Sunday, October 31, 2010

Narcissists-Repackage and Conquer

I have watched the social and professional reincarnations of a variety of narcissists---up close and from afar. Narcissists never stop reaching for their next grandiose goal which always involves their winning and others losing. When I speak of losing, victims of the narcissist are not only financially fleeced but often are robbed of their psychological equilibrium, emotional stability and peace of mind. 

Narcissists constantly reinvent themselves. When they have run the table on all of the financial resources, often OPM (other people's money) they make the proper excuses, exit adroitly, lie low for a while and without consequences, doubts, remorse or conscience, conjure up a new scheme. Everyone is a potential victim of the narcissist. He or she is highly skilled at pulling people into to his next "project."

I have known "gifted" narcissists who have gotten people to work for them without pay just so they could be in the hallowed presence of a master manipulator. There are acolytes who will put up with all kinds of abuse, especially if the narcissist has solid gold business connections. Devotees of narcissists, including spouses and very close associates are mesmerized that this one individual can get whatever he/she wants.  Narcissists at the top of their game don't need to snap their fingers. They have faithful servants who are so attuned to them they can read the narcissist's mind, know his desires, his mood, what he fancies, how he will orchestrate his next power move, who is in favor, who is out of favor, who will rise, who will fall. 

Narcissists have a gift for timing, in business and with people whom they control. They know just when to pull out of a deal and collect the maximum amount of gold before anyone else has had a flicker of a thought about this action. They pretend that they are staying in the game and convincingly lie to everyone that they are a sincere and honest partner. Many months, even years before they have been plotting their exit strategy.
Narcissists have bragged to me about their four year plan, knowing the exact way they will maneuver themselves to the top and then sell out when no one has a hint of suspicion that they have been left holding the bag. Narcissists employ these cycles of deceit throughout their lives. People including their spouses and children are simply objects who have been conveniently placed in their presence for maximum use. When the spouse is exhausted, spent, defeated and wiped out, the narcissist moves on to another carefully selected specimen who will fill the role vacated by the last victim.

Narcissists make "new friends" and court fresh business connections so they can set up their next venture without any remnants of the past. Narcissists live in the future and the present. What they have done that has harmed anyone, including their own flesh and blood is meaningless to them. Narcissists are "so clever" that they have the same peole whom they have cheated come back for more. These inhumane qualities are the language of their identity. This is a difficult concept for non-narcissists to grasp. How can someone exploit other human beings, ruin their lives, and drive them into the ground without hesitation. Because there are vital parts of their psyches that are so defective that allow them to live without conscience, empathy and compassion.

The narcissist has his own standards and values. He knows that he will always win. He will find a way, invent a dark plan so that once again he is on top. He has repackaged, reconstituted himself and conquered once more.

To successfully learn how to specifically recognize and deal with the narcissist's treacherous enticements, invisible traps and seductions, read extensively about the specifics of the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Narcissist's Damaging Verbal Abuse-No More Excuses

I have communicated with many women who have been subjected to severe chronic verbal abuse from their narcissistic husbands. Surprisingly a number of these women are willing to tolerate these verbal bombardments on a regular basis. Narcissists scream right into your face. They threaten with their gestures. They lose control of themselves and fulminate with nasty words and accusations. Spouses are constantly tip-toeing around their narcissistic partners. When I ask some of these victims why they continue to put up with this brutal treatment, they suddenly underplay the effect it is having on them. "Oh, He just goes off once in a while." "He's like a little kid; I know how to quiet him down." "He was in one of his moods; it won't last forever." (There are many verbally abusive narcissistic wives).

When someone is continually screaming, raging, accusing and demeaning you, it takes a tremendous toll on your body, mind and psyche. These irrational eruptions course through the body which is placed in a state of terror and hypervigilence. The spouse always wonders when the next blowup is going to happen. He or she cannot let down for a moment---even when they try to sleep. For many it is reminiscent of a childhood in a highly dysfunctional, emotionally chaotic home with parents detesting one another, arguing constantly, spitting out their hatred of each other, spreading misery throughout the household on to the children. We can become so accustomed to abuse that we expect it. It's what we know and understand. Our sense of reality and expectations about life can be deeply colored by the verbal abuse to which we were exposed as children and then again as adults.

No one deserves to be treated with such vile cruelty, terror and disrespect. The narcissistic personality is never going to stop his or her verbal abuse, screaming, accusations and in your face threats. If you are the victim in this marriage with a narcissist, learn everything you can about this personality disorder. If you are under continuous stress as a result of sharing your life with a narcissist, you can benefit from quality psychotherapy to help you clarify your need to justify and remain a victim of verbal abuse. You can change your sense of self and feel entitled to and worthy of living in a psychologically healthy environment where you feel at peace and are appreciated as an individual---free to be genuine, spontaneous and loving. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Narcissists Blame Those They Harm

Narcissists always cause harm to those closest to them, especially spouses, ex-spouses, children and siblings. The narcissist usually fools a new fiancee or spouse. They believe the narcissist's persuasive words, unexpected gifts, special attention and extravagant promises. In the new spouse the narcissist has found an extraordinary partner who reflects his perfection. The partner is more than willing to please, believes she/he has found someone with whom they will share their lives. So much of this is the fulfillment of a dream, a fantasy that so many people believe about romantic love. I have communicated with a number of spouses who have been psychologically and emotionally harmed by narcissistic spouses who had some clues, intuitions, hints that the person they were marrying was disingenuous---too good to be true.

As the marriage or partnership turns ugly and the betrayals and deceits are well underway, the narcissistic partner starts blaming the partner to whom he/she has caused so much psychological and emotional pain.  In many instances the injured party continues to make excuses for the narcissist's reprehensible behavior.

When the narcissist has worn down and exhausted the spouse, he makes accusatory comments--"What's the matter with you. You're always complaining, whining, never satisfied. You are a miserable excuse for a human being."  Then comes the final turn of the screw. "Your erratic, overemotional behavior is stressing me out and interfering with my career and my personal peace." Here the narcissist has completely reversed the truth. It is the narcissist who has perpetrated such overwhelming chronic stress on to the spouse that the latter is confused, weakened and intimidated.

This pattern of the narcissist blaming those whom he/she has caused such intolerable suffering is not unusual for these personality disorders. After you recognize the abuse that  has been targeted at you day after day--for some decade after decade, the question is: How much more are you willing to take? How are these highly abusive relationships affecting your children if they are part of the family constellation? Many spouses finally say NO! This abuse is stopping now. I will do everything I can to extricate myself from this psychopathology.
Those who take specific steps to leave the stifling, psychologically corrosive environment of the narcissist  discover that they can reclaim their lives, fulfill the promise of their special gifts and energies and  recreate lives that are filled with inner peace, creativity human intimacy and compassion. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultaton: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com or amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Daughters-Healing from Narcissistic Mothers

One of the most difficult roles in life is to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother.  There are many styles of narcissistic mothers. Although they are emotionally unattached to their daughters, they provide the basics of food and shelter to their children. These mothers lead selfish lives and do not offer their daughters any affection or emotional warmth. Some narcissistic mothers are actively abusive, verbally and sometimes physically. They are envious of their daughters, intimidating and highly critical. Some narcissistic mothers are obsessed with creating narcissistic clones of themselves. They don't permit any individuality in their daughters and other children. They choose one or even two daughters and mold them into a perfect facsimile of themselves.

There are narcissistic sociopathic mothers who expose their children to drugs, alcohol. The mother often has numerous sexual partners creating circumstances that endanger the daughter and expose her to sexual abuse by the men who are going in and out of the home environment and in some instances, rape. Some daughters learn to survive and navigate these highly chaotic and dangerous home environments.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can learn how to heal. Acknowledge that your mothers suffers from a severe psychological disorder--narcissistic personality. You are not to blame. As a small child you had to do everything possible to survive. You cannot change your mother. Her unconscious self hatred has been projected on to you. She will always remain self absorbed, deceitful, manipulative and have a complete lack of empathy.

Learn to fully appreciate yourself as a unique individual who has survived a very difficult role as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Awaken and celebrate your individuality, honor your self knowledge and special gifts. Understand the past, mourn it and move forward. We are always in the process of evolving. Discover and nourish friendships of empathy and understanding.
Study the body/mind/ spirit paradigm. Set up a program of cardiovascular exercise that takes the form that works for you. Try gentle yoga--it is very  healing to mind/body/spirit. Begin a spiritual practice that is right for you---prayer and meditation.  You are rediscovering and renewing your life.

To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, October 25, 2010

Break the Narcissistic Tie that Binds You

Those who suffer in marriages to narcissists are tied to their spouses by intricate knots. Many of them are too attached to the lifestyle to let go. They may despise their mate but they cannot give up the perks and comfort of financial stability, luxury and social prominence. Other spouses who are not leading lives at this material  level, nevertheless, are convinced that this is their partner for life. Whenever they make up their minds to leave this abusive environment, they remind themselves of the "good times" they have spent with their partners and reverse themselves.This is part of the massive denial that the spouse of a narcissist uses to stay with her mate. Often the family backgrounds of these spouses is abusive and the partner experiences the repetition of maltreatment as "normal" and familiar. They have been accustomed since childhood to being on constant alert for blowups, violent scenes, neglect and verbal criticism.

Many spouses of narcissists get to the breaking point of recognizing that staying with this individual is injurious to their mental and physical health. They realize that they are imprisoned in the narcissist's delusions and controlled by someone who is cruel and ruthless---incapable of empathy or compassion.

The tie to the narcissist loosens as the partner recognizes that he or she is no longer willing to be treated in such an egregious manner. The wish to become free, to break this pathological bond becomes stronger.
Finally, many spouses make the decision to sever the relationship and to breathe the air of psychological freedom. Eventually they are grateful for taking this courageous step. Their lives belong to themselves. They are unencumbered by the lies, deceptions and cruelties of the narcissist. Finally, they feel the joy and exuberance that accompanies "being themselves", often for the first time in their lives. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyoulife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Narcissistic Mothers-their Sociopathic Narcissist Sons

There is a special family constellation of narcissists. Many members of today's society look at their egregious, sometimes criminal behaviors--and say "Oh, well" and give them a Pass. Often when a person is exceedingly successful and powerful, they are not held accountable for their immoral or unethical behaviors nor are their children. Narcissistic mothers reflexively make excuses for their golden sons (and daughters). "You've got this all wrong. My child has been unjustly treated. People are envious of him; he is a target of their vengeful rage. This is a horrible mistake and must be rectified immediately."  Frequently, the high level narcissist's prominence and their top connections will allow them to make a secret deal with those who have been harmed. In some instances money is passed to the injured party in exchange for silence. After a brief kerfuffle, the entire affair fades from collective memory.

Narcissistic individuals are not going away any time soon. In fact they are increasing in numbers. I do not see large swaths of our public society coming down on them hard. In fact we have a lot of narcissistic wanna be's. With the narcissistic life style very much alive, it is difficult to resist the allure that says: "You can have anything or anyone you want" "You can hurt others and get away with it as long as you have a brilliant exit plan." "Satiate yourself, whatever and whoever you please; there are no limits or consequences."

Sociopathic narcissists don't change. They may grow older, become more cunning, exploitive and develop smoother social skills but their characters are fatally flawed. The tangled lives they leave in the wake of their psychopathology is staggering. The narcissistic mother's belief that her perfect child is superior, impeccable and invincible is firmly ingrained in the son's unconscious. The narcissistic mark of Cain is indelible.

Every person who knows the truth and remains mute against the injustices perpetrated by sociopathic narcissists is complicit on some level. Those who are ignorant through no fault of their own need to study and understand the narcissistic personality disorder in all of its facets. Awareness is the beginning of change. There will always be narcissistic mothers and their golden boy sociopathic narcissistic sons but with increased knowledge, discernment and growing choruses of voices who will not tolerate these attitudes and pathological destructive behaviors and normalize them, the cycle will shift.

There is movement now that people are awakening and seeing through the narcissistic delusion. With wisdom, perseverance and courage come strong waves of hope and change. Visit my website:
www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com   

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Narcissists-Never Sorry-Never Wrong

Two of the most difficult words for most people to say is: "I'm sorry." (and mean it) When we are truly sorry we acknowledge we have hurt someone else and that we are taking responsibility for the pain we have caused.

Narcissists are never sorry because they perceive themselves as perfect. They view themselves as superior to everyone. Many of them grow up believing from their earliest years that they are special. They breathe rarefied air. Many narcissists are treated like superior beings, even as small children. They develop a pathological sense of self entitlement very early The parent of the narcissist in these cases views her/his child as gifted and flawless, above judgments or rules.  These golden children learn very early that they have free rein over others. If someone gets in their way in the competitive game, push him aside, knock him down. These parents defend their children's inconsiderate, cruel behavior, believing that a child so extraordinary does not have to follow absurd social rules that apply to others not their children.

Narcissists are incapable of intimacy, human warmth or empathy. They cannot put themselves into another person's place emotionally (nor do they want to) The narcissist is not growing psychologically He/she is locked within the impenetrable walls of delusion and chaos. They have no insight. By continually projecting their unconscious venom on to others, especially those close to them--spouses, children, siblings they never hold themselves accountable for the severe psychological damage they perpetrate throughout a lifetime.

When we look deeply into ourselves, know we are wrong and say "I'm sorry; I make mistakes" and continue to have a healthy solid sense of our value as human beings, we are moving moving toward clearer awareness and opening each moment to the wonders, mysteries and richness of life itself. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Nine Steps toward Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist

We cannot change the narcissist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a fixed psychopathology that is very unlikely to change. What can we do if we are married to, partnered with or the adult child of a narcissist. We begin by making a resolve to strengthen ourselves on every level: psychologically, physically, mentally and spiritually (in the way that has meaning to you).

1. Research and study the best sources of information on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are many excellent books, blogs, articles that are filled with quality information on this disorder. Be selective and choose the material which you recognize has the highest quality.

2. Strengthen you body with a form of cardiovascular exercise that works for you. Walking is one of the best options. Make sure that it is medically safe for you to exercise. If you don't feel like exercising, join the club. It is essential in whatever form it takes for you. Exercise includes a form of stretching (gentle yoga, for example) that keeps the body supple, flexible and youthful.

3. Get the sleep and rest that you need and deserve. People who brag about only needing two hours of sleep at night are exceedingly rare, taking naps, bending the truth or narcissists telling everyone that they are superhuman. Sleep is a magnificent healer. For example--between 11 pm and 1 am the body is rejuvenating the kidney functions. Between 1 am and 3 am the liver functions are restoring themselves. If you need to sit down, put your feet up and stop for a few minutes--do it. Don't feel guilty about not being in a constant swarm of activity. Some of our most creative moments occur when we are quiet and appear to be "doing nothing."

4. Take time each day--the amount of time is up to you--it can be short--two minutes--to practice stillness. You can do a formal meditation, chant, pray, read spiritual literature--whatever you find that calms your mind and slows down the thoughts. It takes a while to quell thousands of thoughts, sensations, feelings and memories that swirl through the mind. This is not the absence of a meditative state. Don't make judgments about how you are doing. Making the effort to sit and be is a great accomplishment.

5. Develop  a support group of individuals who are empathic listeners and kind human beings. They are the "what you see is what you get" kind of people. They are not concerned about "image"--they are transparent.

6. Write each day whatever comes to mind. Writing is mysterious and healing. When we write we let go of what we are withholding from ourselves, afraid to hear or ashamed to give voice to. The amount doesn't matter. Don't make any judgments about the quality of the writing. These are to be "No Editing" sessions.
You will be amazed at what you find on the page. Writing has a magic, restorative quality.

7. Practice the art of intuition. Intuition is a kind of knowing that is faster than intellectual thought. We don't have to study to become intuitive. It is an art and a mystery. The more you exercise your intuition, the stronger it becomes. Intuition is our creative and protective companion throughout our lives.

8. Be kind to yourself. Hold yourself like a loving mother with her beloved child.

9. Tune into your creative gifts. You possess more creative energy than you can ever imagine. Creativity is occurring inside of you every moment. Express it your way--feel free and whole.

Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, October 18, 2010

Mother's Narcissistic Queen Bee Daughter

The beehive is a true marvel of Nature. It is a world unto itself where the Queen Bee is the ultimate ruler.
The Queen is inseminated in flight by 15 to 20 male drones. Very shortly, after this deed the male drones die. Their work is done. The Queen Bee is ministered to by female worker bees who do all of the hard work in the hive. .

The human Queen Bee is very much alive today. Those who have encountered her are highly intimidated. The woman Queen Bee develops from early childhood. She is often the child of an adoring mother who like the female worker bee is willing to serve and even give up her life for her daughter. Her life role is to create and mold the perfect daughter---the chosen one who is above all others. I have personally observed several instances of this pathological mother/daughter pattern. In these cases the prospective mother finds a man whom she can completely control. She has a very specific plan in mind: the creation of the perfect daughter  who surpasses everyone else in beauty, intelligence, creativity, unlimited ambition, reaching the highest levels of professional and financial success. She is only interested in him for his role as sperm donor and in what he can contribute to the financial success of the mother-daughter duo.

The mother of the Queen Bee daughter is often a narcissist herself. Although she is pleasant socially and very adept in getting everything her prospective daughter queen will need, she treats her child like a life project. The daughter is often sent to the finest schools. Mother makes sure she meets all the right people. As the daughter grows the duo appear to be close emotionally but that is not the case.

When the Queen Bee daughter comes to maturity and has taken every bit of energy, social and financial opportunity from mother, she turns cold as steel , becomes psychologically abusive and dismissive of mother. I have seen these daughters move across the world to build their own kingdoms that exclude mother (as if she never existed.)  There are no regrets, no thank yous--The supernarcissist Queen Bee ascends her throne to rule over all. Mother is forgotten and discarded. In some cases the daughter will continue to use her mother up like a female worker bee in the hive.

Mother has raised a psychological predator who controls everyone in her reach. Those who do not comply are vanquished like the drones that early gave their lives for her. Learn to recognize and deal with every facet of the narcissistic personality. You will become highly knowledgeable and protect yourself from the stinging servitude and psychologically damage served up by the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Say Goodbye to Narcissistic Abuse-Personal Experience

I had a relationship with a distant relative for some time whom I knew was a narcissist. His conversation --a one way street since  he was incapable of listening or caring about what some one else was thinking, centered around himself--his professional accomplishments, important people to whom he had access, his many trips to exotic shores, the way in which he impressed others with his extraordinary brilliance and  social skills. This self anointed monologue was in contrast to another type of communication. He would catch you off guard and begin to pick away, snipe, and grind down your self confidence. This didn't work with me because I always knew exactly what he was doing, the stark cruelty and viciousness of his manner and I saw him infrequently. But it was very unpleasant on those occasions. I am in communication with those who are challenged every day by the narcissist if they are spouses, children or siblings of these severe personality disorders. You deserve so much credit for your courage. Many of you have decided to leave the narcissist even though this can be complex. Children of narcissists work hard at healing from a parent who was so selfish and self absorbed that they never received the attention needed or the love and affection that is so necessary to a child. Many of these individuals receive good psychotherapy and work with the trauma of having to deal with a parent that was incapable of empathy, affection or the ability to accept their child as a s separate valuable individual. You can sever our ties with the narcissist and finally say goodbye to narcissistic abuse. Enlist the help of one or two very close friends whom you can trust completely. They will listen and be present for you. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in detail. Do not blame yourself when the narcissist makes accusations, is highly critical and cold. This is not about you; it's about him/her. You deserve to lead your own life, free of the narcissist. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Narcissist's Endless Toxic Projections

When narcissists are not telling everyone how perfect, brilliant, successful and wonderful they are, he or she obsesssively uses toxic projections to put you in your place. This is likely to occur when you don't mirror the narcissist perfectly. Even if you treat the narcissist with worshipful subservience he will find a way to criticize, demean and shame you. A projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that is used to eject intolerable feelings and thoughts, impulses and threatening sensations from oneself on to another other person. The individual on the receiving end of one of these attacks can feel stung like a bee attack or psychologically assaulted depending on the ferocity of the projection. Most people are completely unaware of the narcissist's constant projections. When these individuals are exceedingly rude and cruel in this way, people make excuses for them, especially if they are highly successful and wield a lot of power. They make excuses:"Oh, that's the way Harry operates. It's a quirk in his personality. Don't take it seriously." Some of those close to the narcissist, his faithful followers either ignore these cruelties or wonder why people can't see that this is idle banter, like a joke.

Those living with narcissists---spouses and children in particular---are frequently the victims of these cruel psychological toxic projections.Many of those who are targeted believe that they are at fault not the narcissist. When a child is very young and the object of  toxic projections, this causes a negative sense of self unless the other parent or another family member recognizes the outright cruelty and harm that these projections create and counterbalance these psychological attacks with their love, strength, solidity and empathy.

Learn to deflect the narcissist's projections. First , recognize very early that hor or she is a severe personality disorder. This gives you an advantage. Maintain a safe psychological distance from his psychopathology. In some cases it is wise to not be alone with a narcissist because this is often the time when he or she will spring volleys of projections on to you. Learn to appreciate your healthy sense of self respect, psychological solidity and self confidence. Study every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder so you are prepared for all of their schemes, tricks, subterfuges and games. Detach from the drama of the narcissist's projections. These are not about you---they tell us volumes about the pathological unconscious mind of the narcissist. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, October 11, 2010

No Conscience Narcissist

Many of those who communicate with me and are spouses, children and siblings of narcissists have a difficult time believing how ugly relationships with narcissists can be. People with a strong conscience often think that everyone else acts with specific notions of right and wrong.  The media culture glosses over moral issues when people are powerful, influential and have great financial heft. Major movie, television and recording stars, sport figures and other notables are not held to the same standard of conscience. This culture in many ways has become narcissistic with so much focus and rewards for self absorption, materialism and competitiveness. Physical beauty and handsomeness, fine clothing, expensive cars, opulent homes---have become the markers through which a person's character is measured. Social success in many circles trumps conscience.  Doing what is right when you are not being monitored is considered old fashioned and un-cool.

Those who wield the greatest power and have the best connections are lionized as fine human beings. There is a confusion between material success and having high moral standards. Many narcissists present themselves as fine human beings and are believed by their wide social and business circles. Often they are the most duplicitous, manipulative, exploitive and immoral human beings you will ever meet.

I am in communication with a large number of those living with narcissists who tell me about their lack of conscience---the constant lying, the plotting, the betrayals---all qualities of the narcissistic personanlity disorder. 

Fortunately, many individuals today recognize that the narcissistic personality is a serious psychopathology that is very unlikely to change. They have learned to identify and protect themselves from these individuals. There is a refreshing wave that is pushing back against the narcissistic "all about me", "no conscience" lifestyle. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Narcissist Unglued-A Personal Encounter

Recently, I happened upon a narcissist, an acquaintance whom I have known is a narcissist.  I hadn't seen him for some time.  I was attending a large meeting and I saw him there. After exchanging social conversation very briefly, he jumpstarted into his innumerable life views and feelings about them.  He went from 0 to 1000 in less than two seconds. His viterpurative comments contained a loss of control, a lack of boundaries. He was beyond the boiling point, spewing forth hatred and rage.  His mouth was gaping and and sneering in his delivery. The sheer volume of toxic psychological waste coming forth was remarkable. He was filled with an active hatred of everything and everyone but has was very self righteous.

When an individual does not deal with serious psychological issues over many decades and they remain hidden from consciousness they become more corrosive.  With a narcissist they are constantly projected, especially on to those close to them: spouses, children and often anyone in their reach. These primitive projections can be very harmful to the recipient. They are meant to intimidate, shame and humiliate the other. The victim feels like his confidence and sense of self and physical and psychological energy is being invaded and pulled from him

This individual was spewing active malignant hatred. As he spoke he became more unplugged. I heard in my mind the words: destroy,destroy,destroy---That was his unconscious intention. His role was to vanquish others. There was not a hint of being aware of anyone else, whether his cruelty would hurt any anyone. He was living in a thicket of delusion and darkness and was capable of entrapping others into this horrid, frightening dark place. His words flew forth like putrid chunks of vomitus without beginning or end.

I was shocked at first but soon the familiar siren call of the narcissist reminded me "Yes, this is a narcissist discharging his full load." 

I maintained a psychological and physical distance. I called upon a steadiness and detachment and asked for equanimity in those moments. This is the quality of being calm and even tempered, an internal and external composure. I became an active observer.

As I looked back soon after this tirade, I am thankful for the reinforcement of the knowledge of the power of the narcissist's thrust and the deepest level of hatred and destruction they carry. I care very deeply about those who have to deal with narcissists every single day: children of narcissistic parents, spouses of narcissists, narcissistic bosses.  You are strong, resilient, courageous individuals. I want to do everything I can to help you become free from these toxic personalities.

Help yourself by becoming steady and strong---physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. Develop a practice of stillness whether it is meditation, working in your garden, praying, cooking, birdwatching, as long as you do this consistently, Gentle yoga is a powerful way to steady the mind/psyche/body. For more details about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Narcissistic Rage-Bottomless and Devastating

If you have been on the receiving end of narcissistic rage, you keenly recall the incident(s). You vividly remember your stomach twisting in knots, your intestinal tract going into fight or flight mode, your mind swimming with thoughts---How do I get out of here? Am I going to be physically harmed? Will this verbal barrage ever stop? Will I ever have a moment of peace? The depth, range and destructive effects of narcissistic rage on its victims cannot be overestimated. I have communicated with many victims of volatile narcissistic rage. Some of these people grew up with a narcissistic parent and then married a narcissist. They are on psychological and emotional overload.They feel trapped in a vortex of helplessness. The narcissist has taken over their inner world as well as their outer life.

Children of narcissists who have been tormented by this traumatizing family background are particularly vulnerable to these rage attacks and the environment of fear and terror that it produces. They never feel safe, at peace,capable of letting down their guard. 

Narcissistic rage arises from early childhood, the remnants of unconscious feelings of helplessness, fear, worthlessness felt by the child who was forced to become a false self. He or she became a puppet of the parent(s) and was treated as the perfect reflection of mother and/or father. This child perceived himself as special beyond all measure, superior to everyone else, incapable of mistakes or error. Narcissists learn that they can make demands from others by controlling them with manipulation, intimidation and ferocity----vituperative rage. 

These primitive behaviors are emotionally and psychologically toxic to those who live with a narcissist. If you are married to a narcissist or have a clear sense that your partner is a narcissist, you have some options. You can stay married and cope with the narcissistic personality or you can decide to sever the relationship. This is complex and challenging. I communicate with individuals who have made the break and are now divorced from narcissistic spouses. Many report that it was a wise decision. Others struggle, thinking that the narcissist be different if they learn how to treat him with greater consideration. Ultimately, this doesn't work. Their personality structures are very fixed. Narcissists have no reason to change---they are getting everything they want and current society rewards them for their ferocious ruthlessness, extreme guile and intoxicating charm.

Become informed by studying the attributes, origins and dynamics of the narcissistic personality. Think wisely about the life you are leading. Let your intuition and acquired knowledge lead the way. Visit my website: kww.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, October 4, 2010

Narcissist Tempts us into His Delusional World

It is very easy for most people to become seduced and then trapped in the world of the narcissist, especially if he or she is attractive, magnetic, clever, socially gifted and successful. A high achieving narcissist knows how to turn on the charm like no one else. When these individuals on going through their act (which is real for them) they could be nominated for an academy award. Many of them were raised in the fine art of human attraction--that knowing and skill that draws another person in and then becomes irresistible. Long before we recognize it, we are hooked. The veils of denial have covered our eyes, our  mental discernment and judgmental capacities are weakened. We are ripe and ready to merge into the world of the narcissist. It can be thrilling to be in the company of someone who is so self assured and accomplished, idolized by some many. For the high flying narcissist, life is smooth. He can get whatever he wants and as his partner you share his favored status. The society today rewards high level narcissists with material largess, access to tremendous power, and lifestyles that most of us cannot imagine. It is very difficult to say "No" to the narcissist at this stage. Those who come under this thrall are hypnotized, in a trance like state, giddy with excitement, never wanting the fantasy to stop.

The narcissist's world has a dark side. It's captives are leading their lives on his/her terms, not their own. Some partners and spouses are unaware of their situation because they were never psychologically separate enough to claim their unique individuality. They will go along with the narcissist until he discards them. They are willing to accept the abuse, taunts, deceptions, criticisms, tantrums that the narcissist serves up daily because deep inside they feel unworthy and incapable of leading a separate life. Others find themselves trapped but decide to stick with the lifestyle (good and mainly bad) because they don't have the drive or energy or will to strike out on their own. They take the default position and surrender to the narcissist's cruel darkness than to feel abandoned and have to take personal initiative. .

There are a growing number of individuals who recognize who the narcissist is---a severe, rigid personality disorder that is very unlikely to change. They are ready to step out of the narcissist's delusional world and leave the narcissist behind. They recognize that it won't be easy but they must do this in order to grow psychologically and free themselves, their talents, energies and creativity. Some of those who leave the narcissist feel liberated like long held prisoners. Growing, learning, creating and giving are all part of our true nature. After leaving the delusional world of the narcissist we view ourselves and the world with greater clarity, expansiveness and a deeper appreciation for our separate solid self. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, October 1, 2010

You and the Narcissist-Predator and Prey

Relationships with narcissists are always unequal. They are up; you are down. They win; you lose They are successful; you are a failure. They are strong; you are vulnerable They are the predator; you are the prey.

Narcissists constantly size people up. They ask themselves---How can this person provide me with valuable narcissistic supplies---adulation, praise, material acquisitions, business and societal connections, sexual gratification. The narcissist lives in a self created Darwinian world where those who win eat their young. Narcissists consume your life. They initiate clever ways to seduce and possess you. Narcissists (although they have no personal insight) have a keen awareness of their victim's psychological wounds and vulnerabilities. At the same time they are masters at tempting, cajoling and seducing those whom they want and must have.

If you feel authentic, steady and solid inside, the narcissist cannot threaten or intimidate you. You are no longer his potential victim. The greatest force you will use to face the narcissist is the psychological grounding in your true self combined with detailed knowledge about the innumerable faces, masks, manipulations and deceptions of the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com