Thursday, March 31, 2011

Narcissistic Siblings Can Sabotage Your Life

Are you the the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling---that golden child that was picked early to be the king, queen, emperor of the household. For many it started very early. The narcissistic mother or father focused on one child who seemed to have it all: good looks, a sharp mind, athletic skills, artistic talent, a winning personality--whatever it was that made this child a standout for the narcissist. Mother and/or father ignored the other children or treated them with punishments, disdain, humiliation and all kinds of cruel behavior. They were the inferiors in the family. In some cases the grandparents chime in and get in line with the parents. The narcissistic household is a war zone. It is pure hell to live in this so-called home. It doesn't get better when you grow up. The sabotage continues and for some becomes impossible. There is so much pain inflicted that some people cannot tolerate it. Some scapegoated children are haunted by their narcissistic siblings well into adulthood.

The best way to deal with narcissistic siblings is to become independent and strong yourself. Learn how to detach yourself from these destructive human beings. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Give yourself credit for surviving this very difficult narcissistic family constellation. Be kind and supportive of yourself and find friends whom you can trust. And above all, honor yourself as you look forward to a life of creativity, productivity and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Narcissistic Men are Fickle and Duplicitous with Women

High level narcissists are expert jugglers of the women in their lives. Like the great acrobats at the cirque d' soleil they are capable of juggling from one relationship to another without creating a stir or a suspicion. Many of them are married several times. That doesn't satisfy them. They have girlfriends on the side and one night stands for the thrill, brief affairs. It's a wonder they can remember the names of the women they entertain and bed. The pursuit of the woman or women who give them a sexual rush is the thrill that they are seeking. They are entranced for a while, then move on. In some cases a special woman will come into their lives whom the narcissist views as a source of ultimate narcissistic supply. She is wealthy, has high level business and social connections, very attractive if not downright gorgeous and has come to adore the narcissist. This is a winning combination for him.  It often propel him into a second, third or fourth marriage especially if this beauty is a lot younger than he. The stage is perfectly set to create another family that will create an image of the narcissist as vital, virile and youthful. Many of these men have children from previous marriages that are older than the current new wife. Narcissists are shameless. They luxuriate in the pleasures of younger flesh and a new adoring woman who will worship at their throne. The children produced are a great source of narcissistic supply, providing the narcissist with a deluded sense that he will live forever.

Today's society reinforces these behaviors if the narcissist is a prominent figure. The media is thrilled to photograph the new chosen woman. Media is all about image as is the narcissist. They are happy partners with one another.

Protect yourself from becoming charmed by the narcissist to the point that you are enthralled enough to give your life to him. It is worth studying this pathological personality disorder in detail. These insensitive, infantile, fickle character disorders are growing within a current society that has become more shallow, materialistic, self absorbed and unempathic. You deserve so much better--a man who is genuine, has insight and compassion and is capable of real love and devotion. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Free from Your Narcissistic Mother -True to Yourself

Good mothers allow their children to be themselves---to be authentic and real. They are not threatened by a child who does not agree with the parent's every thought and opinion. Narcissistic mothers vary in their styles---not in their natures and basic characters. They are solely obsessed with their perfect image, getting all of their needs and desires met, being the center of attention and controlling others. These traits are the opposite of being a good mother. When you are the small child of a narcissistic mother, you have to go along with the demands placed on you in order to survive. Despite a child's age, he or she is often able to detect that their is something fundamentally wrong with mother. She is demanding, cold, distant, manipulative and unwilling to allow her children to be genuine and free to express their true selves. Small children in these situations are virtual prisoners in their own homes.

As children of narcissistic mothers grow and become aware that they are being treated with cruelty and dismissiveness, recognize that this environment is psychologically unhealthy. They find outlets of study, good friends whom they can trust and spend time away from the home which has become a  lock down prison.

As adults some daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers repeat the patterns of childhood by marrying narcissistic spouses. This is most unfortunate but does occur quite often. Those who have been able to preserve enough mental, emotional and psychological independence are capable of thinking for themselves. They clearly recognize that they can no longer blame themselves for being the child of a narcissistic mother. These children follow their powers of observation, the pain of their maternal experiences and the need to know the truth about themselves and their disturbed parent. Many of them come to the conclusion that there is nothing they can do to change the narcissistic mother. This is clinically the case.

Some children have sufficient psychological and emotional stamina and will to separate and distance themselves from the narcissistic mother. They find other adults who are protective of them and respect and honor their authenticity. These are often adult family members who protect the child from the corrosive effects of narcissism. Many children grow up and finally recognize that they were never allowed to be their true selves, that they were manipulated and treated cruelly as a result of their psychologically disturbed parent and that this is not their doing or their fault. Some seek quality psychotherapy and heal the narcissistic mother wound. They now stand on the strength and grounding of their authenticity. They have come full circle---free from the obstructive oppression of the narcissistic mother and now true to themselves. This is a great victory that deserves our respect and understanding. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 








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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Narcissists have Sadistic Relationships

Being sadistic is deriving pleasure from cruelty. It is difficult for many people to understand how this is possible.
There are narcissistic personalities who not only must always win, weaken the most vulnerable, cause psychological and emotional pain in order to win and vanquish another human being. Then there is that treacherous narcissist who is sadistic and gets pleasure from inflicting emotional and psychological pain, especially upon those close to him/her: spouses, children, siblings, in-laws. Narcissists often choose spouses who are psychologically compliant, dependent, fragile and frightened to live an independent life. They are swept up in the narcissist's elaborate persona, grandiose visions and the dream of sharing their lives with an individual who is highly successful, confident to the max, has smooth social skills and tells them they are the most important person to them on the face of the earth. Early into many marriages to narcissists, the mask begins to slip and the non-narcissistic partner is subjected to his/her partner's volcanic rage, outrageous demands, demeaning humiliations.  The non-narcissistic partner believes that it is her/his fault that the narcissistic partner has suddenly changed. They don't that the first personality was a well rehearsed seamless act.  As the relationship goes further down this dark road, the narcissist not only causes psychological and emotional harm (and in some cases physical injury) to his partner, but experiences pleasure and enjoyment in watching this person suffer horribly. These sadistic behaviors become chronic and threaten the psychological health of the partner. Some non-narcissistic spouses remain victims of these treacheries for the rest of their lives. They pay a very high price to remain at the side of the narcissist. Narcissists understand cruelty. For many, it is their middle name. This is the way they control others by beating them down, keeping them on edge, threatening to leave them without any financial resources and where there are children involved, promising that they will remove them from the household, wrenching them away from the injured spouse.

With narcissistic siblings there is a great deal of pain. From childhood through adulthood, these individuals continue to perpetrate acts of cruelty upon their brothers and sisters. They must always win regardless of the harm they cause to members of their own family. Being in the presence of a narcissistic sibling is painful if not intolerable.

There are adult narcissistic parents who continue to perpetrate sadistic acts upon their children, especially those who are highly sensitive and vulnerable.

Once you recognize that you are in a familial relationship or marriage with a sadistic narcissist, it is your decision whether to continue to meet and communicate with this person, limit your association or sever it completely. Know that the narcissist is never going to change---this is a fixed pathological disorder that is highly fixed. Learn to protect yourself from these sadistic relationships. First learn to recognize these individuals quickly by studying the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Severing your relationship from the narcissist is the best course in most cases. Those who take this step are free to lead their own lives and become fully separated and individuated with the use of their creative gifts, talents and the inner peace that they deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Don't Give Yourself Away to a Narcissistic Spouse

Your time, energy, talents, gifts, intelligence, psychological and physical stamina, respect for your feelings belong to you. They are your birthright. It doesn't matter who your parents are or were, what level of social status or schooling you have achieved-----none of this counts. You deserve to be treated like a unique individual. Narcissists possess others as obedient objects. Narcissists are inhumane. They will work you down to your last breath, then resuscitate you---not because they care or love you, but to get the most from you before you collapse again. Narcissists are users and abusers. They are hypocrites beyond measure. In scripture the religious hypocrite is referred to as a "whitened sepulchre." That is a clear definition of many narcissistic personalities who have molded and polished their image to burnished gold. Inside there is the psychological decay and emptiness that remains with them.

Sociopaths can play the part of nice guy or gal but they are not obsessively concerned with image. They are after something. They have a plot in mind to exploit you to the max, and get away to go on to their next victim. They can't be bothered with image. Some spouses stay with sociopaths despite the fact that they literally destroy their lives.

Learn to appreciate that your personality and all of gifts of creativity and compassion that you bring to bear and that you demonstrate every day have meaning and are invaluable. You are separate from the narcissist. Learn to identify these individuals quickly and clearly through the accumulation of knowledge about the psychopathology and the fine uses of your intuition. Make a conscious decision to remove the narcissists from your life. If you cannot do it with physical distance, achieve it with developing emotional detachment and the clear recognition of who they really are---scavengers, vipers, vultures--among the lowest of the low. Work at becoming self entitled ---recognizing that you deserve to lead a life of inner peace and psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, March 21, 2011

Detoxification and Renewal from the Narcissistic Mother

In this post I am speaking about the psychological and emotional detoxification and self renewal from the narcissistic mother. The first step is the recognition and awakening by the child that this individual is a narcissistic personality disorder who will not change. This realization often occurs in adulthood and is a difficult realization. The child cannot believe that his/her mother can be so cruel and cold and dismissive of someone so close to her biologically. In the next stage the child of the narcissistic mother goes through a process of releasing and cleansing many emotions---loss, anger, rage, regret, guilt and many others--as part of the process of healing. In the last phase the child separates and individuates from the parent and is-identifies from this person. In this phase there is a re-discovery of your unique identity, creativity, energy, stamina, intellectual curiosity. Engaging yourself with the world of Nature if one of the great pathways to healing. Practices such as gentle yoga, guided meditation, meditation, the support of close friends will allow to steady your mind and to develop a sense of deep inner peace. Here's to your full recovery. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Have Double Standards

Narcissists have "standards" for themselves and different one's for others, especially those who are not within their privileged inner circle. The narcissist experiences himself as perfect regardless of all of his/her shortcomings, malicious acts, chronic lies, hurtful manipulations and belittling of those who are in disfavor.
This often includes their family members: spouses,children, siblings and those whom they view as rivals they are plotting to defeat. If the narcissist becomes fixated on you because he knows in advance what you can do to enhance his image or fatten his pocketbook and stock portfolio, for a while you are the answer to his dreams and desires. Once he has deluded you and gotten what he has wanted, you are discarded in exchange for someone else whom he fancies will fulfill another grand delusion. If you area married to a narcissist you know how it works with them. They are always right, perfect, without mistake and you are always wrong (even when you are incredibly competent).

When you are a child growing up in a narcissistic household you must do what is necessary to survive.When you are grown and begin to recognize the narcissist as a severe personality disorder, you will recognize with research and your own observations that these individuals are incapable of any real relationships. Narcissists always live by double standards. If you are living with one of these disturbed individuals it becomes necessary in many instances to sever your contact with them. After going through this process which is often difficult and takes a lot of perseverance, you find yourself in charge of your own life, enjoying the freedom of your personal thoughts and feelings and an upsurge in your unique creativity and your pathway to inner peace and personal growth. Visit my website www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Don't Make Yourself Sick over a Narcissistic Spouse

Narcissists cause stress, emotional pain and in some cases, physical illness to their spouses. They have been berated, verbally abused, humiliated and constantly criticized for many years. Every time the abused spouse is attacked by the narcissist, the stress hormones become activated and the fight or flight syndrome goes into gear.
"Can I survive another moment of this. He's (She's) grinding me down into a pulp. I'm confused, exhausted.; I can't think straight. What has happened to me?" Those are the questions victims of the narcissist ask themselves incessantly. But the problem with so many of these spouses is that they keep holding on to the narcissist. There are so many reasons for staying in harness on this wild ride into delusion. There's the lifestyle for some which they are accustomed to. It is very difficult for many people to face the fact that they will be living in reduced financial circumstances when the marriage is legally dissolved. Others are distressed by a complete change in their social milieu and what some call status. There are those who still believe that, despite the fact and evidence that the narcissist has harmed and diminished their lives in a variety of ways, they must keep the family together, make all the sacrifices. And then, there is the emotional pain of the loss of the dream of the marriage to this partner and all the what-ifs and could-have-beens. 

Some non-narcissistic spouses are so determined to stay married to an abusive narcissistic partner, that they hold enough stress within their bodies to become physically sick. There are a variety of symptoms and conditions: high blood pressure, IBS, chronic allergies, chronic bronchitis, frequent bouts of physical exhaustion, ulcers, colitis and many other ailments. For some, this is a wake up call. The spouse realizes that she/he can no longer sacrifice her life to the narcissist to the point of becoming physically ill. For those who decide to end the marriage at this point, there is a rode to psychological, emotional and the building up of one's physical health and stamina. Some people report that they feel the relief, the renewed energy of re-starting their lives. They have left the burdensome past behind and are now lighter, freer, more creative and healthier on every level. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Narcissistic Psychotherapists---Taking Advantage of Desperate Individuals

When you are having a major anxiety attack, can barely move around because you are very depressed, are having obsessive thoughts day and night-----you are feeling desperate. Every moment is torture.  Many of these individuals who are suffering need highly skilled psychotherapy. You are recommended to a therapist by your physician or referred by a friend or have researched psychotherapists in your area. You must get relief; your symptoms are increasing. It is difficult to think clearly. Many individuals who are suffering from severe psychological symptoms go to recommended psychotherapists. Many of these professionals are excellent in their clinical training qualifications, have high ethical standards and are very empathic. They are the fortunate ones. I have had too many contacts with people who have suffered horribly, went to a therapist who was not only incompetent but a narcissistic personality. These are psychotherapists in name, degree and license only. The more desperate you are, the more intrigued they become, especially if you have a generous insurance policy or the money to pay them. Even high level referrals can result in getting a narcissistic therapist. I have seen this happen a number of times.

There is no therapy occurring when you go to a narcissist. These individuals are in the therapy business for money motives, the narcissistic supplies that come with their degrees and clinical training and their area of specialty. It is very important that clients who are desperate have someone whom they can trust to make sure that the psychotherapist recommended will be of high quality professionally and personally. Others can benefit from learning many of the cues that you can detect when you meet a narcissist. First, don't be swayed by the education, credentials or clinical experience of the therapist. This can hold weight certainly. Learning how to identify a narcissistic personality is essential. Is this person self absorbed? Does he or she make a lot of references to himself during the session? Is the therapist making good eye contact and is there a feeling of empathy in the verbal and nonverbal communication from this person to you. Do you feel comfortable and secure in the therapist's presence? Is he listening intently? Do you feel secure and supported in his presence? Is there a noticeable focus on payment? Is the therapist charging exorbitant fees for services? Do you feel free to express yourself and all of your feelings or do you sense judgmental  thinking. When tuning into your intuition, do you have a sense that the therapist is encouraging an inordinate emotional dependence on him.Is the therapist increasing the number of sessions per week without giving an explanation.

Narcissistic psychotherapists are smooth operators. They even fool other therapists they are so slick. Non productive "therapy" can go on for years. The only thing that has been accomplished is the increase of the narcissistic therapist's bank account, stock portfolio and other material possessions. You are a means to an end, not a client who deserves respect, empathy and the highest quality of psychotherapy. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Always trust your intuition. You hold the truth--trust it. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Staying Married to a Sociopathic Narcissist for the Lifestyle--Not Good for Anyone

Sociopathic narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder but are further along the spectrum to being sociopaths. They are self absorbed, highly manipulative, chronic liars, lead double and triple lives and have absolutely no empathy (They fake it very well.) Women are drawn to them and often find them irresistible. These men (and there are female sociopathic narcissists) are so clever that they have fooled many psychotherapists. Sociopathic narcissists are often obsessed with wealth--obtaining it, removing it from others and growing it to increase their power in the world. Many of those who today are standouts in our societal and political system are sociopathic narcissists. They know how to play every angle and loophole of the law, surrounded by a cadre of clever lawyers who know exactly how to play the legal system. They spend hundreds of thousands of dollar each year to make sure that they can sue whoever is getting in their way.

Women who marry these pathological individuals often do so without realizing it. That's how charming and convincing they are. Sociopathic narcissists are consummate actors and facilely move from one part to the next. They can be philanthropic if it suits their image and will provide them with essential narcissistic supplies of praise and adulation. 

In the home they are tyrants. Some women make the deal with the devil and stay married to them because they are leading a life on the surface that is filled with the excitement of living at the top tier of the social ladder. It is very tempting to have a public image that is admired, to be friends with the movers and shakers, to know that you are beyond financially secure and that your investments, trusts and portfolio will expand and bulge. 

From a psychological perspective, this picture is not so lovely. Those who marry sociopathic narcissists will eventually experience the sharp, ugly, treacherous side of this personality. Once the bright sparkle has come off of the marriage, the sociopathic narcissist reveals his fangs and they are sharp and ready to tear without mercy. When this spouse is no longer intrigued with you and you cannot supply him any longer, you become the enemy is despises and intends to vanquish. Spouses on the receiving end speak of endless tirades, dreadful humiliations, demands for perfection and even apologies (for what--being human) Some women decide that they must stay in the marriage to protect the children and the family. They don't realize the severe psychological damage this causes their children. A child would rather have one loving parent in reduced material circumstances than be trapped in a family from hell with a sociopathic narcissist. I have heard too many stories on this theme and know that children choose love, protection and caring over anything material.

If you are in the process about considering a divorce from a sociopathic narcissist, take time to research your plan of action. Interview attorneys, Ask the hard questions that will indicate if they are qualified to work for you and get the best result for you and your children. Tune in carefully and ask questions that will reveal if the lawyer you have chosen understands how sociopathic narcissists operate. Make sure your attorney has the knowledge, understanding of the dark edge of human nature and the courage to represent you. It is worth interviewing several attorneys. I know of so many women who were so stressed that they didn't take this time and settled for someone who took their money and didn't represent them and the interests of their children. 

When you are free from living in the psychological prison of the sociopathic narcissist, you will be surprised at the changes in your thought patterns, sleep patterns, the calming of your nervous systems, the blooming of your creativity and most important---how your children are now able to live each day free from the moment to moment constraints and anxieties that their narcissistic father/mother placed on them constantly. Take credit for your courage and strength of will to travel this road to psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Severing Relationships with Adult Narcissistic Siblings

Growing up in narcissistic families is one of the most difficult and traumatic situations for children. When we are very young, many of us believe the family story. We are from a good family. Mother and father are great parents and love their children. They care deeply about each individual child. When the mother or father is a narcissist this is never the case. Narcissists by nature cannot be true parents. They wear the elaborate image of parent but this is false. Many friends, other family members and acquaintances are impressed with what they perceive as a loving family. It all looks so perfect at their vantage point. No one views or experiences what is actually occurring in the privacy of the home. I have communicated with a number of adult siblings of narcissists. They tell stories of great emotional and psychological ordeals---one after the other.

These children often live in the shadow of the chosen narcissistic brother or sister. From early childhood throughout adulthood the narcissistic child who is not favored is treated with disdain, humiliation and various forms of cruelty. The narcissistic child does not change and neither does his parent(s). Narcissistic parents treat their other children as inferiors. There is no justice in these households. You would think that as adults this pattern would change. In many instances this is not the case. The narcissistic parent continues to favor his/her adult narcissistic golden one.

The less favored adult children often go along with the perfect family image of love and devotion. They swallow their words, pretend that everything is normal and even make excuses for the cruel manipulative narcissist in their midst. They close ranks and say: "Oh, he/she is just being his eccentric self." He/she  is awkward socially. Don't take him/her so seriously." The narcissistic personality traits which cause such pain to others in the family are considered to be quirks not character traits that are psychologically toxic to their adult siblings, their children and all of those who come into contact with them.

At some point there are siblings who have had enough. They are worn down with the callousness with which they have been treated their entire lives with no consequences to their hateful words, behaviors and attitudes toward everyone but themselves and their golden circles of admirers. When you have recognized your narcissistic sibling and have suffered more than enough, you will make a decision of whether to stay in the family tableau and play your role or to sever the relationship with a very cruel human being. Other members of the family may be on board with the narcissist and will never understand your understanding the truth of his nature. You may be ostracized for deciding to sever this relationship. These are your personal decisions and can be very difficult. At times these decisions divide families.It is vital that we live with the truth. This can mean that we understand on a deep level that we must free our lives from the burden of the narcissistic siblings cruelties, manipulations and deceits. Some siblings minimize their interactions with the narcissistic brother or sister. Often it is difficult because the adult narcissist is constantly causing pain and chaos among every member of the family. He/she keeps the fires of hatred burning.

Those who choose to sever this relationship, do so with careful thought. As they move through their lives each day, they are unburdened and now free to move forward without always wondering when the next psychological ambush, outrageous remark or bursts of rage will take place. We can choose that we will lead our lives as unique individuals who deserve to use our creative gifts, to form and nourish loving relationships and to be true to ourselves. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Healing from the Narcissistic Mother

I hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers. Their psychological pain is particularly poignant. As children they feel inadequate and confused, returning many times to mother for the love and contact she is incapable of giving. They don't understand that a narcissistic mother lives for herself alone. Even as very small children mother is emotionally distanced. I have communicated with many children of narcissistic mothers who remember that mother was always unavailable---night and day. She was a very "busy" woman. Some of these children were raised by nannies or put in day care when they were tiny infants. Mother couldn't wait to take them off of her hands. With friends mother bragged about her wonderful children. In family pictures and during holidays there were public displays of the "happy family", the "loving mother" and her beautiful children. This is the image that mother insisted on presenting to her friends and the world. Image replaces reality for the narcissist. Within the walls of their home, mother treated these children with coldness, dismissiveness, constant criticisms. Often she would fly into volcanic rage over the smallest issue. If mother got stirred up she projected her venom on to her children. Narcissistic mothers often pit one child against the other. These enmities between siblings can last a lifetime. If the narcissistic mother chooses a favorite child who is a psychological twin, the rest of the children are treated as inferior and worthless. The narcissistic mother colludes with the golden child, providing him/her with every educational opportunity. He/she is the recipient of all the praise, entitlement and raised to a position of prominence in the family. I have heard of homes that were filled with trophies or certificates earned by the golden child throughout the years. His/her siblings were required to look up to this chosen child and to obey them. These situations can turn very ugly. The chosen child can inflict severe psychological damage on his siblings. They are often threatened and intimidated and treated with severe humiliation.

Healing begins with the recognition that your mother was/is a narcissist. This is not your fault; you are a victim of narcissistic abuse. You cannot change this mother. Her personality structure is fixed and rigid. You can change you understanding and perception of her and yourself. Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you were strong enough to survive maternal narcissistic abuse. That is an incredible achievement. Be patient with yourself. You will heal. Give yourself the space and time to do this. You will find others who have suffered this mother wound. Some find comfort and understanding in support groups or find close friends who share similar backgrounds. In some cases psychotherapy is helpful in dealing with these issues. Be sure that the therapist has a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder. Practice calming the mind and body through gentle yoga with emphasis on calming breath, various forms of meditation including guided meditation and other healing modalities. Know that you will reclaim your life. There is a powerful force inside of you that has been waiting all of this time to reclaim your individuality and the inner peace that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Male Narcissists Prey on Psychologically Vulnerable Women

In this blog I am writing about male narcissists who actively participate in victimizing women who are psychologically vulnerable and experience themselves as weak and inadequate. (The same is true about female narcissists.) The life stories of these women are filled with histories of childhood abuse, trauma and neglect. Successful narcissists often have several female partners. This is the perfect picture of the model wife and marriage that fits the image that the narcissist projects on to the world. In private the emotionally vulnerable woman suffers horribly in her marriage to the narcissistic man. Some of them completely lose themselves and become servants of their spouses. They have no life of their own. Many are terrified by the intimidations and humiliations of their husbands. They bow their heads and obey the patriarchal demands of their spouses. They lose themselves in the constant demands, extreme stress and criticisms that befall them every day. These women are trapped. They cannot tolerate living with these men but the thought of leaving them and being on their own is horrifying. They cannot imagine maneuvering through life alone. Their spouses threaten to withdraw any kind of financial support if they threaten to divorce them. While their friends, church groups, business associates and social connections believe that this is a happy couple, the wife is experiencing wrenching distress as a prisoner of her narcissistic spouse. Some narcissistic husbands isolate their spouses and treat them like objects who are at their disposal.

In some fortunate cases the women married to these cruel narcissistic men finally listens to a wake up call, telling her that the psychological suffocation of this relationship is not going to change. It will become worse. Taking themselves in hand, often with the help of close trusted friends, they make the major step to end the marriage to the narcissist and become free for the first time in their lives. After the marriage ends, the wife deals with processing of her myriad of feelings surrounding her dysfunctional marriage. Coming back into the light of life itself, the previously psychologically imprisoned woman, goes through a process of re-acquainting herself with knowing and respecting her own thoughts and feelings. Gradually, with the help of different healing modalities including psychotherapy, meditation, hatha yoga, tai chi, qi gong, etc, these women work through the sufferings of their past relationship, begin to experience a new vitality and freedom and reclaim the lives that they deserve. This is a great victory, won through perseverance, insight, consistency of purpose and an abiding hope that they deserve to lead lives that are unique to them and in which they thrive. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Stop Playing the Role of Narcissistic Supply

A narcissistic supply feeds the narcissist's hungry ego. Narcissistic supplies come in many forms: praise, adulation, high social status, wealth, beauty, handsomeness, athletic prowess, celebrity. The narcissist chooses certain people to come into his/her life and act as ego boosting, narcissistic supplies. With this other individual at his side, he believes that his elaborate image will score even higher points in the world. The narcissists who succeed with money and power are highly prized by those in this present self-obsessed society. The media idolizes and reward narcissists as do large swaths of the business and professional world. If a narcissist is at a high enough level he or she can get away with almost anything.

The narcissist cannot have an authentic relationship with another human being. People to him are objects to be manipulated, seduced and exploited for their value to him. The narcissist perceived other individuals as part of him the will enhance and enrich his image and status in the world. Narcissists uses spouses, partners and their own children as supplies.

If you are picked by a narcissist to be his/her partner or spouse, it is vital to be aware that this person is incapable of having a genuine psychologically intimate relationship. Regardless of the persuasiveness of his act that gravitates you to him, the narcissist has no intention nor is he capable of sustaining a loving reciprocal relationship. He is a masterful actor and leads many to believe that he loves them deeply. But this is part of his elaborate act to maintain his control over you and to keep his ego supplies well stocked.

To protect yourself from the narcissist, learn about every detail of this personality disorder. If you have finally recognized that this individual is a narcissist and cannot truly love or appreciate who you are, distance yourself from this person. The best action is to sever this "relationship", deal with your painful feelings of sadness, regret and broken hopes and to move forward with your life rather than remain a living accoutrement of his/hers. The work of ending these relationships may be helped with high quality psychotherapy as well as healing modalities: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the deep caring of a few close friends. You deserve to lead your life as an individual who respects and values herself and is treated in this manner. You are unique and valuable. Get in touch with those facets of yourself. Give yourself credit from the journey you have made from playing the role of narcissistic supply to leading your life fully and freely as a separate authentic human being. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Friday, March 4, 2011

What You Don't Know About The Narcissist Can Harm You

You and the narcissist may share the same time and space in a family, business or marriage but you are planets apart.The narcissist thrives in a world of delusion of his/her making. The narcissist's visions of reality are grandiose, skewed to an absolute belief in his superiority. He holds ultimate power and control over others through manipulations, deceits and chronic lying. We may not recognize that the individual we are meeting is a narcissist, especially if he/she is masterful at playing his roles. If you do not react the way he perceives you will, he is very adept at switching to another character in his drama. All of this is a convincing act but fraudulent.

Narcissists don't change; their personality structure is rigid and very unlikely to change..
Narcissists generally don't benefit from psychotherapy because they are certain that the problem(s) originates and is being driven by others---spouses, children, siblings, business associates. The narcissist believes he is flawless; the difficulty is with others not him. If you cross the narcissist, at times he/she will relentlessly pursue you. They go to war in certain situations. It is particularly ugly in divorce proceedings, division of property and material possessions and custody decisions.

In extreme instances the narcissist decides that he/she can wreck you life on every level---personal and professional. Narcissists always know that they will win. They persuasively lie to everyone, including judges, therapists and lawyers. Their confidence overflows with hubris. Without a conscience they throw threats, intimidations, defamations of character where ever they might stick. They often get away with their outrageous and destructive behaviors. Many narcissists present themselves as victims and convince many people through the fine art of lying. They have been practicing perfidy since they were children.

Learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder. It is well worth doing your homework.
The earlier you identify a narcissist, the greater the edge you have in either avoiding this individual or giving yourself a head start on dealing with this person.
Trust and deepen your intuition---that quality that tells us the truth directly and accurately.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, learn to detach your feelings from their psychological bait.
Practice some form of quieting your body/mind---yoga, restorative yoga, meditation, tai chi, etc. This will provide you with powerful techniques for grounding yourself.
Always remember that the narcissist is projecting his/her venom and other contents of the unconscious most of the time. This is the narcissist's noxious unconscious remnants. They do not belong to you.
Learn to detach from the narcissist's histrionics. These individuals are waiting for you to overreact. Maintain your sense of emotional equilibrium so they will not have you as a target. Don't share any of your deep feelings with the narcissist. He or she will use them to manipulate your vulnerabilities.
Appreciate your uniqueness and your entitlement to lead a life of inner peace, meaningful relationships with those who appreciate you and the expansion of your creativity.
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Predatory Female Narcissists-Watch Out!

Statistically there is a preponderance of male narcissists but the female ones are gaining ground. Narcissists cause a lot of pain on many levels all the time. As long as a narcissist is working his/her manipulations and deceits successfully, other people are hurting. This includes his spouses and children.

There is a special group of female narcissists who are highly predatory---always on the hunt. They check out their prey with the instincts of a lioness on the Serengeti. They play a variety of roles: sophisticated ladies, sirens in disguise, "I'm your best friend" types, indispensable servants, "call me anytime" gals, etc.

Men have a difficult time understanding how devious some women are, especially narcissistic divas. Too many times I have seen them through the lens of a tour d'force performance. Narcissistic woman selects the power professional--handsome, well educated, high income, socially polished, near the top. She maneuvers herself into meeting him. He finds her dazzling, gorgeous, attentive to him and filled with the right chemistry.Her detailed plan is unfolding. He is enraptured. She cleverly feigns her inability to resist him. The two are inseparable. In a few months she is pregnant. He is surprised but subject to his instincts and impulses. She wants marriage, money and lifestyle. He acquiesces. They marry. For a while it's appear idyllic. Then the worm turns. The marriage begins to falter. (part of her plan) He was so taken with her, there is no prenup. After a while, lawyers are hired. She knows the cleverest ones since she has directed this movie before. She gets more than half of the money and possessions. Narcissistic divas use a living human being they call their child as collateral to ensure their financial security and the success of her enterprise.

Protect yourself from these predatory female narcissists by studying the narcissistic personality in detail and depth. Become aware of your specific weaknesses and past painful experiences with these connivers. Let your intuition override your chemical and visual attraction. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Sociopathic Narcissists Harm Their Children

The sociopathic narcissist appears in innumerable disguises. Since childhood they are been refining a persona that is magnetic, charming and irresistible to others. They study human nature, understand emotional vulnerabilities and know precisely whom and when to attract those individuals who will fulfill their wishes and desires. Early on this child learned directly from the parent, that life was all about winning in all of its forms--money, prestige, praise, fame, material acquisitions, competing and winning at the top tiers of power. There are parents who program their small children to become successful, compete and defeat others who are in their way and teach them to be ruthless and uncaring as long as they reach their goals. Children are taught to take a "no prisoners" attitude about other human beings. If someone cannot perform for you and get you directly to your goal, discard them. If they are in your way, make their life so miserable that they can no longer compete with you. If they persist, find cunning methods to destroy their reputations, financial security and emotional well being. These lessons are taught early and they resonate deeply in the child.

Some children of sociopathic narcissists have access to an inner part of themselves who intuitively knows that what the parent is demanding of them is wrong and inconsistent with their own nature. I have heard many stories of grown children who bucked the narcissistic parent and suffered the consequences. They were quickly discarded psychologically and cut permanently out of the family circle.

The spouse of the sociopathic narcissist is often complicit through her psychological weakness, her addiction to a certain lifestyle and her fear of being cast out of paradise. She is so distressed and feels incapable of leading an independent life, that she colludes with the sociopathic narcissist who controls the family.

Some children in these families become sociopathic narcissists like mom or dad. After all, this is the family tradition and heritage. They often learn to outdo the parent and become even more ruthless, unethical and conniving than their original teacher. Children in these families who do not follow the "winning at any cost" rules are left on their own without support of any kind. Mother or father won't pay for their educations, demeans them constantly and undermine their individuality and creativity. The pain that these discarded children suffer is extreme. Many of them leave home early in their midteens to look for ways to survive. They are estranged from the siblings that went along with the narcissistic parent, These siblings despise the ones who were cast out and do everything they can to make their lives miserable. There is no opportunity for a "prodigal son or daughter" reunion with the narcissistic parent. The familial doors have been locked and the compound is sealed off.

Those who survive the sociopathic narcissistic parent have a long hard scrabble road ahead of them. I have communicated with these adult children. They endured many psychological and monetary harsh winters of striving to just get the bare necessities. For many, the wounds of childhood are still raw and painful. Others persevere through arduous work and schooling (every cent paid by them alone) to achieve their professional goals. As adults many of these individuals have difficulty finding partners who are supportive and empathic. Some fall in love with narcissists and sociopathic narcissists. They end up repeating the torments of childhood. This demonstrates the depth of pain the child of such parents experienced. They were never protected or cherished or felt special and valued. It is not surprising that they would find partners who would treat them with disrespect, cruelty and contempt.

Some of these adult children break the cycle of self harm and sever their relationship with the sociopathic narcissist. They redefine themselves, develop a sense of self entitlement and renew themselves as individuals who have moved beyond the pain of their family of origin and into a life that they deserve where there is hope, self initiative, inner peace and psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com