Thursday, June 30, 2011

Narcissists--Obsession with Money Destroys Their Families

Narcissists who function in the high stakes world of obsessive money making are riding on this track day and night. Being married and having children is secondary to their extreme preoccupation with accumulating more and more wealth. It is done with stealth, cunning, duplicity and deceit. I communicate with victims of narcissists, especially, spouses, who have not only been severely psychologically wounded by the narcissist, but who are left with no financial resources or security. The narcissistic spouse has worked day and night, plotting in secret to take each financial asset, that is either community property or that belongs to the spouse separately. The financial security of the victimized spouse is removed piece by piece without their knowledge. Often it is too late for any legal recourse since the victimized spouse has been left without the resources for legal defense. The non-narcissistic spouse has put her trust in her husband, not knowing that he is a treacherous narcissist. These money machinations occur frequently.

The narcissist, after eviscerating his family emotionally and financially, moves on to his next life with someone else who was previously chosen in secret. Like a conqueror who circles the medieval world, destroying and pillaging everything in his path, the narcissist races onward toward his next conquest. Our current narcissistic society with its emphasis on "winners", huge money makers who cleverly defraud others using legal loopholes are applauded. Young budding narcissists have taken them as models for their visions of ultimate success. Shut your mind and ears to the "I'm going to change fabrications." They are pure fiction and designed to make you captive to them once more.

Stop the narcissistic spouse in his tracks before you are financially devastated. First, identify this individual as a narcissist . Once you know the severity of this fixed, unchanging personality disorder, you will not be vulnerable to his bag of tricks, his method acting brilliant performances or his "I am a victim, hear me roar" themes that are played to everyone you know. Watch for his vilification of you and don't stand for it.

Work on maintaining your psychological and emotional distance from this individual by keeping yourself strong, detached psychologically and by building up yourself. Make an agreement with yourself that you deserve to lead a different life, unencumbered by the psychological and monetary assaults of the narcissist. Create a zone of calm and healing. Practice gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, meditation--walking and sitting.  Do regular cardiovascular exercise that works the best for you. You are a separate, valuable individual. You are entitled to use all of your creative gifts and to create an environment of deep inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: the narcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, June 27, 2011

Psychologically Detach From Abusive Narcissistic Spouse

Narcissistic spouses are all abusive in one way or another. They operate in a climate of psychological intimidation. They have different communication styles. Some make constant demands. They expect to get what they want immediately on the spot. If they don't receive the perfect solution or answer, they start screaming at the top of their lungs. Narcissists have very strong lungs and steel vocal cords. That could be because they have so much practice. Most spouses are very disturbed by these abusive non stop demands. The narcissist is not going to change. This is a severe fixed personality disorder. Some spouses believe that they can compromise with the narcissist. This is not going to happen. Narcissists are completely arbitrary. They must have it their way without exception.

While you are endeavoring to make a decision about staying with a narcissistic spouse or to leave them, learn how to psychologically detach from them.  Focus on your own needs and develop a stronger sense of self entitlement. Work with yourself. Learn to calm your body and mind. This can be done with certain practices like gentle hatha yoga and forms of meditation--sitting and walking meditation. Learning to quiet the mind through a regular practice strengthens your capacity to experience yourself as separate from the narcissist. You learn to go deep inside by consistent practice. Consistency is the key. Dedication and discipline work alongside intention to gain all of the benefits of these practices. As the capacity to quiet your mind strengthens and steadies, you will find that you are more in tune with yourself and much less vulnerable to the theatrics and ruses of the narcissistic spouse. These ancient practices are highly applicable today in developing a sense of steadiness and psychological detachment and increase your capacity for mindfulness and clarity of focus. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Narcissistic Men---Using Sexual Connections to Reach the Top

Narcissistic men and women are sexually predatory. There is a special kind of narcissist--very good looking, more cocksure confident than intellectually bright, silk smooth with women (especially wealthy ones) and a masterful seducer. The best set up for this man is a woman of great wealth several decades his senior. It doesn't matter to him if she is married or single. All this narcissist needs to know is that she has plenty of money and he's going to get ahold of it. This type of narcissistic man has been seducing women all of his life. He can't count the number of young woman and older ones with whom he has had sex for minor and major rewards--from small favors and social privileges in the beginning to setting up business connections, leading to the highest levels of corporate power. The handsome, super confident risk taking narcissist knows one thing---He can meet, seduce and establish business alliances with women who become sexually and psychologically dependent and reward him with unlimited amounts of wealth. This is in exchange for his intimate services and his masterful role in becoming an indispensable part of this woman's life. She wouldn't make a move, especially a business decision without him. This method has been working for narcissistic men for centuries and continues to rake in hundreds of millions of dollars to male narcissists who are at the top of this ruthless game. Protect yourself psychologically, emotionally and financially by studying the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Conversations with Narcissists---How Superficial Can It Get

I am always blown away by the surface level of conversation with some narcissists. There are others who hold forth on intellectual and business topics and understand and communicate their expertise with great flair. They don't let you get a word in, of course, because this is a performance, not a conversation.

The narcissistic style in this case is a running commentary of their life. I have clocked them at an hour and running  and I'm sure they are capable of longer narratives. Every detail of what they own, what they are planning to do with their free time, important people who are their friends, every accolade and award they have ever received---This is the essence of the subject matter. Sitting there you are a living receptacle for their grandiosity.
You have moments when you say to yourself "What the hell am I doing here!" You don't want to be rude but enough is enough.

Finally, you set yourself free, make a quick polite excuse and leave the scene. The narcissist is incapable of introspection or self analysis. He/she is completely disinterested in you, unless you can give him something of  value or he can wrench it from you. If you can keep your distance from a narcissist, do so. If not, it is valuable to be able to identify them quickly. Once you have done this, you view them with a clear mental eye. You experience their essence----Surface, Surface, Surface!  Meanwhile, move on with your life, knowing that you can go deep into yourself, have insight, are capable of empathy---You are an authentic unique human being. I celebrate you. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Friday, June 24, 2011

Narcissists are Envious of You ----You are Real--- Narcissist is Fraudulent

Envy is an emotion that is not discussed openly. People are secretive about their envy---This is a feeling of resentment that an individual has about wanting to possess the qualities of another person or what they control and own.  As they puff themselves with circulating narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, social status, professional achievement--the narcissist holds his envy close. After all, he/she is perfect, unsurpassed. Why should he care about you and your petty achievements. Much of this envy is driven by his unconscious feelings of dark emotional emptiness. He has no resources to go inside himself and feel solid, secure and authentic. The narcissist is always competing with others to better them and defeat them. He views those who are perceived as more successful as his enemies. If they won't capitulate to his will, he will obliterate those who stand  in his way. These ruthless endeavors are played out in many divorce procedures where narcissists are involved.

Recognize that the narcissist is a vindictive human being who will not change. These individuals suffer from a severe personality disorder. Remove yourself from relationships with these individuals. This may mean divorcing a narcissist or separating from them permanently. No matter how many years, effort and time you have taken to improve your relationship with a narcissistic spouse, you are better off not colluding with this level of pathology. Wash you hands of these disturbed people so that you can be free to lead your own life, , expand and deepen your creative gifts and seek and achieve the inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation:  United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself  from the narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, June 20, 2011

Narcissistic Extreme Verbal Abuse---How Much More Will You Tolerate

Those who are married to narcissists are subjected to unending verbal abuse of various kinds: bottomless rage, emotional digs, insulting remarks, demeaning accusations, shaming techniques, silent treatments that can last for weeks, threats and intimidations.  Each non-narcissistic spouse is victimized in a unique way but there are many common elements to this abuse if you are married to a narcissist. I have heard spouses tell me that the verbal abuse hit them as hard as a physical blow. Besides the direct salvos, the narcissist talks behind your back, especially to relatives, spreading lies and defaming your character and causing estrangements within the family. You would think that a relative who has known you all of your life would believe you. This is often not the case. The narcissist is silver tongued and very convincing. An aspect of the verbal abuse is the narcissist's constant lying. This is automatic for the narcissist; he has been perfecting this dark skill all of his life.

Some abused spouses with children don't realize the traumatic effects the narcissist's blow-ups, screaming fits and loud demands and continual agitation has on their children. The young child requires a predictable emotional environment that is nourishing and loving. It is only human for us to lose our tempers from time to time but when a narcissistic parent is constantly in a state of siege and full-throated rage, this has a profound negative impact on a child. There is never any peace in this household.The spouse keeps telling herself/himself that this is a bad cycle and the narcissist will come out of it and gain a sense of emotional control and apologize for his disruptive and frightening behaviors. Most narcissists never apologize for anything they have done. They reflexively blame everyone else, especially their spouse.


Think carefully about what is happening to your life each day as you step on egg shells, living with your narcissistic spouse. What impact is this continuous verbal onslaught having on you psychologically and emotionally. How much more can you take?  How is this chaotic, frightening environment affecting your children. What messages are you giving them by putting up with the abuse. Are you communicating to them that this is normal and to be expected? Are you asking them to put up with something they cannot bear?



Whether you have children or not, life with a narcissist grinds each spouse down emotionally. In some cases the spouse's immune system is weakened, making them vulnerable to physical illnesses.


You deserve to lead a life, using all of your creative gifts. You have a right to sleep soundly at night, to think about and express your thoughts openly and with receptivity by your spouse. You deserve to be with a spouse who is supportive of your personal growth in the directions that takes you. A worthy partner will always be there to support you when you are going through a family or personal ordeal to the best of their capacity. Take back your self entitlement, your respect and belief in yourself. Expand and deepen your vision of life. This will occur without the controlling, manipulative, exploitive narcissist. When you make the decisions to sever the relationship and all of the documents and agreements are sealed and you are on your way, you will look ahead with hope and a renewal, a rebirth of your self. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Narcissistic Stepmothers--Taking Dad Away

There are innumerable stepmothers who are wonderful parents. They do the hard work of raising the children after an ugly divorce or a situation in which the biological mother abandoned the children.

I am speaking about the narcissistic stepmother who purposely plots her way into the heart and mind of a man who has minor children. These women are on the alert for a vulnerable man. If he is a widower, all the better. No ex-wife to get in her way. This is often the case if the man has considerable wealth. I call these gals--- One Bounce Women, meaning that the ink on the divorce papers is barely dry and they are presenting themselves as prospective playmates to these unsuspecting fellows. The narcissistic stepmother cleverly solidifies her powerful new role with the tried and true method ---Sex! First she is friendly and warm and very understanding of this man who is going through a tough ordeal. Next, she works her way into becoming his indispensable confidant. Add a generous measure of brilliant sexual moves to the mix and he's bagged.

Once the marriage is legally solidified, the stepmother breathes a luscious sigh. What next---dealing with the kids. Narcissists are gifted actors. When the marriage is new and everyone is on his/her good behavior, the stepmother displays a convincing devotion to his children. She is pleasant and courteous. She pretends to be interested in their social and school lives. Children under divorce circumstances are having a very difficult time adjusting to the fact that their parents are no longer married to one another. They may still feel shocked, confused and angry about this turn of events. When dad quickly remarries this adds to their psychological pain. Father is so carried away with his new love that his attention to the children flags. Kids pick up on his dismissiveness and distancing. They feel cheated and depressed. They've been replaced by a woman who is practically a stranger.

As the months and years pass by the stepmother's narcissistic attributes come fully to the surface. She is duplicitous in her dealings---warm, seductive, pseudo empathic with her husband and cold, critical and emotionally threatening to the children. She achieves this two faced role with great cunning. Because she has such a tight grip on her husband (As far as he is concerned his wife can do no wrong) the father will not believe his own children when they tell him they are being treated cruelly. The stepmother's psychological brainwashing on her spouse works like a charm. She continues to buttress her intimate relationship with this man. He's a keeper---too much equity there and a great lifestyle to let go of it now.

Children under these conditions are suffering horribly. Sometimes they band together for emotional support. Some kids spend less and less time at home. They are often at friends' houses where they feel welcome.
During the teenage years, it can get very derisive. Each time the dad sides with the stepmother, the child is left standing alone. In some cases children decide to live with the other parent and find a real home there. When no other parent is available, children leave the home early and make an effort to find their way solo or with friends. I have communication with adult children of narcissistic stepmothers who remember the ordeals they endured under her watch. They lost their childhoods and the deep caring and loving of a real father. Many of them still say that their narcissistic stepmother "took dad away" from them. Some of them go into psychotherapy to mourn the loss of the parent(s) and to deal with feelings of betrayal and abandonment.

The narcissistic stepmother has no pangs of conscience for alienating and in some instances destroying the relationship between the father and  his children. She has won. When the children are grown, she will celebrate again. Some of these stepmothers repeat this pattern with more than one man. When the money is no longer forthcoming and she cannot fool her husband any longer, she moves ahead to find her next male trophy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Narcissistic Mothers---Hundred Years War Against Their Daughters

Narcissistic mothers don't stop the battles---even long after their daughters are fully grown. It is psychologically very painful to grow up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Being the small child of a narcissistic mother is a horror. I hear from adult daughters who have survived these childhoods of extreme deprivation and cruel unending abuse. The acrimony, cruelty and combativeness of the narcissistic mother continues throughout the adulthood of these women. Elder narcissistic mothers often carry on this malevolent abuse through narcissistic siblings who have colluded with them. If there is money involved, the narcissistic siblings close ranks against the non-narcissistic daughter. They spew malicious projections on to their victimized sibling(s). Sadly, some of these victimized daughters add to their pain by making overtures to the narcissistic mother. They cannot believe that a mother, their mother, doesn't love them on any level. Some of them live in a state of shock, wondering what they have done to become the object of such cruelty. These daughters have done nothing wrong. They are dealing with a mother who suffers from a severe personality disorder.

If you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, don't expect her to change. This personality disorder is rigid and fixed. Narcissists believe that they are perfect, superior to others, even their children. Many narcissistic mothers believe that they are good parents. They accuse their daughters of being spoiled and ungrateful. Another tack is to flat out lie and call their own daughter(s) "crazy." There are narcissistic mothers who spread malicious rumors of mental instability throughout the family and friends about their mentally unstable daughter(s).

For some adult daughters, a time of reckoning and decision comes. The accumulation of too much psychological pain, horrible distress, chronic self-doubt, deep sadness and confusion reaches a crisis point. There are daughters who reach a turning point and finally recognize that there is nothing they can do to change their narcissistic mothers, that they were and are not responsible nor should be blamed for this parent's delusional thinking and complete lack of empathy. Some of these adult daughters make the decision to sever the "relationship" from their narcissistic mothers. They decide not to have nay contact with these individuals.
Many of these daughters do the work of healing themselves. Some of them seek quality psychotherapy. They re-start their lives, recognizing that they are valuable individuals in their own right. They develop a sense of self entitlement. They grow in their renewed strength of their separate identities and the use of their creative gifts. They discover the inner peace they have been yearning for all of their lives. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Covert Narcissists-Get Wise to their Acts, Baits and Incessant Cruelties

Covert narcissists are among the most difficult to decipher. The can appear to be shy. They are excellent method actors, pretending to be your best friend. Covert Narcissists are magnanimous. They are always watching to get the inside track on you. Most people don't notice any of these behaviors until these disguised enemies bare their sharp teeth.

Covert narcissists come on treacly, sugary, dependent, overprotective of you and caring. But you begin to notice here and there they are planting small digs at you. They dig and then come back to be your best friend, your confidante. They play the confidante role to the hilt. This is a big red flag. As you look carefully at the covert narcissist, they display no genuine empathy. If you recall clearly, you now know they wanted something from you from the beginning. They were obsessed with taking your power and putting themselves in your place.

Covert narcissists are incessantly cruel. They lie in the weeds. When you are the most vulnerable they strike with extended claws. Never share how you feel with a covert narcissist---that you are down, having to struggle emotionally or financially. They will find these times to demean and humiliate you. Once they have you where they want you the covert narcissist quickly discards you. They believe they've gotten rid of you and annihilated you. This pleases them. They are at the top of the heap; you are at the bottom. You now see them clearly with artifice or mask. They are incapable of genuine feelings or empathy. They are cold. They plot all of the time, using their cunning to stalk their human prey. Covert narcissists are highly competitive. They will fight you to the death psychologically. They are incredible competitors. Don't let them get the better of you or any part of you. Learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. Assert your own power, mental steadiness and your sense of self entitlement. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, June 13, 2011

Seductive Toxic False Self Narcissist

"The origins of the False Self begin with a mother (or father) who is unable to recognize and accept her child's individuality. Psychoanalyst D.W. Winncott describes how the mother creates a False Self in her child:  'the mother who is not good enough...repeatedly fails to meet the infant's gesture (the infant's unique spontaneity) ; instead she substitutes her own gesture which is to be given sense by the compliance of the infant.'  " (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The mother of the prospective narcissist cannot accept her child as he (she) is.  Often feeling inadequate herself, she has a grandiose vision for her child of superiority and mastery over others. This child will become the fulfillment of her deepest wish---sometimes the very reason for her life. Frank Lloyd Wright's mother called her son her prince and treated him this way from the beginning of his life. He never learned to be empathic or caring, or warm and accepting with other human beings. He was driven by a great talent and changed the face of modern architecture. In his personal life, he was a continuous disaster, causing psychological pain and misery to whomever he married. He managed to abandon six young children, trotting off to Europe for several years with the wife of a client.

The narcissist knows how to psychologically seduce those whom he favors and want to call his own. He (she) thinks of people not as individuals but as possessions over which he has complete control. In the beginning the elaborate false self of the narcissist is into overdrive. Very few can say "no" to him. Most people believe that this is the genuine person and take the very believable bait---They are caught. Those who marry narcissists find out, often too late, that this individual is psychologically toxic to them. When the relationship starts to go sour and the narcissist is in full rage mode, constantly wielding his aggressive projections on to you, many finally realize that this not their fault. They start to research these character traits---complete self absorption, lack of empathy, volcanic rage, ,over-entitlement, exploitation, chronic deceit, pernicious lies---This is a description of the narcissistic personality. They feel that their lives no longer belong to them. Many decide to find  a way to reclaim themselves, to separate permanently from the narcissistic toxins. Victims of narcissists take these actions for themselves and their children. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Narcissists--Becoming More Cruel and Ruthless

The narcissistic personality disorder is fixed but not static. As the narcissist becomes more successful in the world, he/she activates greater and greater grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and ruthlessness. If he/she is at the top of his profession---finance, medicine, entertainment, politics, media, etc. he/she is surrounded by a circle of people who believe that he is far superior to them or anyone else. This protective circle provides the high level narcissist with a continuous circulation of narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, accolades, the highest monetary compensation. These individuals are insulated from any wrongdoing on their part. As these narcissists move to higher tiers of power and influence of great reach, they are almost untouchable in terms of being held accountable for their personal misdeeds and treacheries. The narcissist becomes more emboldened by his increasing reign of power, his control over others, his capacity to destroy them, his winning at all cost. At the highest levels he assures himself that he can make or break anyone. And often this is the case. Does it matter to him if he destroys someone else's career. Absolutely not! This is business---hardball. Those who side with him (not knowing that they too are disposable) will vanquish his enemies. The narcissist becomes more and more ruthless and inhumane as he grabs more power and becomes more manically delusional.

If this narcissist is a waking nightmare at work, he is hellish at home. Here in the private space there is no need wear his false mask. It is ripped off by the time he reaches the front door.He screams, taunts, threatens,demeans, humiliates his spouse and children. The reign of narcissistic terror is endless. He has his spouse in a psychological stranglehold.  If the marriage is going badly and the spouse suggests a divorce, the decree of threat comes down---"You will be left with nothing." "I will get full custody of the kids." "Everyone will know that you have instigated the divorce and take my side."  "I will hire a small group of attorneys who know exactly how to defeat you at every turn in the divorce process." These threats are continuous and terrorize the non-narcissistic spouse. I have been in communication with men and women who are so frightened that they feel that their only recourse is to stay in the toxic marriage. If you make "nice" with the narcissist, he will always find ways to belittle and threaten you. In some cases he has complete power over the finances, leaving the non-narcissistic spouse at his mercy.  Some spouses reach a breaking point---They are in severe distress--They cannot sleep; they are on red alert free floating anxiety all of the time; their physical health is suffering; their children are enduring emotional stress as a result of the narcissist's constant eruptions of rage, outrageous demands and ongoing cruelties and humiliations.

Don't wait for the narcissist to change course. He knows he can control and manipulate you at any time. He is eclipsing your life and the lives of your children. Some spouses take a courageous step to sever their relationship from these highly disturbed individuals. They strengthen themselves physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. They surround themselves with a protective support group. I have heard from many of those who made this decision and successfully severed their relationship with the narcissistic spouse. All of their efforts---well thought out and skillfully done---paid off. They reclaimed their lives and changed the trajectories of their children's destinies.This was not easy. It takes great courage and an abiding confidence in the self. To learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder and how to protect yourself from them, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Surviving a Narcissistic Family

There are some extraordinary human beings who survive growing up in a narcissistic family ----mother, father, siblings.  I have heard from some of these individuals and their stories of multiple cruelties, emotional deprivation, scapegoating are the themes of fiction------but this is the truth. These are painful childhoods that have been endured each moment. In some cases there is a grandparent who takes on the early child care and becomes the real parent. This grandparent makes the difference in the child's life between sanity and insanity, some joy versus chronic misery, feelings of emotional security in comparison with constant terror, truth telling versus chronic lies,
a strong sense of self compared with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. In some families a nanny or babysitter can tip the scales for a child who is surrounded by narcissistic family members.

Even with some protection the road toward adulthood is rough and tenuous. Often the vulnerable child is bullied by one of the narcissistic parents who in turn conspires to have the other siblings turn against the appointed victim.  Some children learn how to defend themselves psychologically by creating new inner worlds through their imaginations by means of writing, painting, mathematics, the sciences, or music. Regardless of how well the adult who has endured and prevailed in the lion's den of the narcissistic family, he carries the psychological scars of an embattled life. Individuals who come to terms with who they are and can fully appreciate their survival despite all of the odds against them, live in freedom, use their creative gifts and finally experience the inner peace they have been waiting for all of their lives.  I hold a special place of honor and respect for these miraculous survivors. They have faced down a mortal enemy inside their family and have won and prevailed. They live now in emotional freedom, using their creative gifts and are living symbols of what the individual human being can overcome and then rise to high levels of consciousness. These special people are an inspiration to all of us. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Narcissistic Spouses Deepen Psychological Childhood Wounds

 You may be repeating the psychological abuse and deprivation you experienced as a child in your marriage to a narcissistic personality disorder. Living with this person, you are made to feel unimportant, discarded and unworthy. You are not getting the attention and caring that you deserve.
When you live with a narcissist the home environment is chaotic and unpredictable. The narcissist often goes into extreme rages that have a shocking and disrupt effect on the nervous systems of the spouse and children.
The narcissists expects perfection from you. When you perform at a high level you are brutally criticized and demeaned. The narcissist is projecting unconscious feelings of inadequacy and aggression on to you.
There is a complete lack of sensitivity when you are married to a narcissist. Your feelings are never acknowledged appropriately. He/she may react by going out the door, arguing with you or saying: "I am superior to you; there is something very wrong with you. The message to the non-narcissist spouse is: "I will never be good enough; I have no value."

When you are married to a narcissist there is no room for your individuality, thoughts, feelings, creativity, emotional expression---no freedom or space to be yourself.

When you live with a narcissist your opportunities for healing psychological wounds of childhood can be disrupted by the narcissist's selfish, cold, cruel way of treating you and the constant bombardments of his/her mood swings.

The first step is to study about the true nature of the narcissistic personality disorder, recognizing that this individual is not going to change and that he is often accusing and criticizing you unjustly. Detach yourself from this severe psychopathology. Take very good care of yourself. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Covert Narcissists Convince Us They are Good People

Covert narcissists are always flying under the radar. It can be very difficult to identify them before they have psychologically ambushed you. Polite, humble, soft spoken, respectful in manner, the covert narcissists conceals his true nature with great skill. He/she comes on the scene unobtrusively. They are at your service, appear to be good listeners and are clever actors of pseudo empathy. In the first moves the covert narcissist appears to be very sincere. He/she has your best interests at heart. This is the bait and the trap. You come to trust and count on this seemingly considerate person who is so interested in your life and goals. The covert narcissist thinks long term, way down the road. He does favors for you and you take him into your confidence. All the while the covert narcissist is sizing you up. The closer he/she comes in, the greater his opportunity for exploiting you. Like all narcissists, these individuals don't bother with people they can't manipulate and deceive. Those who romantically fall for the covert narcissist are bound to be disappointed and hurt. These individuals have taken your measure and know that by romancing you and becoming an indispensable part of your life that they will own your feelings and possess you psychologically. It is not surprising that the covert narcissist chooses a partner or spouse based on social status, professional accomplishments and social and business connections. Whether it is direct or covert, the narcissist is a user who only becomes involved with those whom he can use and increase his power and economic reach. Most individuals are stilled fooled by the covert narcissists because of his low key style, well polished pseudo empathy and his quiet charm and "loyalty." Protect yourself. Narcissists are not good people--they are users and abusers who are eclipsing your life.

Take time to understand all of the incarnations of the narcissistic personality disorder You will learn how to identify, detach, assert yourself despite every tactic the covert narcissist uses.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Narcissist Will Never Understand You

You and the narcissist live in two different worlds. The narcissist lives in a world of delusion that he has created that speaks of his omnipotence, control and perfection. You live in a world that is more real. You have deep feelings, concern about the welfare of others and are capable of compassion. The narcissists can pretend to care by a mechanism I call pseudo empathy. High level narcissists in particular at talented at acting these roles. When the lights are on, the camera is in motion and the audience is rapt with attention, they put on their act of empathy.This is highly convincing to most people. As soon as the lights are off and the cameras stops, the narcissist take a 180 degree turn and reverts back to his cold, unempathic self.  The consequences of narcissistic cruelty can psychologically grind down their spouses and children at a point where they feel like they are falling apart.

Narcissists don't want to hear about your feelings or your pain. It revolts them. They strike back with "You are weak." "What's the matter with you." "Look at me---I get what I want; I'm successful; I'm adored." "I'm sick of listening to your complaints." Narcissists only want to hear what you are going to do for them. Everything else is inconsequential. You and the narcissists live in two different worlds, even if you are a spouse, child or sibling. These are the most painful situation---having a close family member who is incapable of genuine caring on any level. To detach yourself from the narcissist and appreciate yourself as a unique, valuable human being, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Disentangling Yourself from Narcissistic Husband

Many women marry narcissistic men without knowing it. It is very easy to be taken in by these super charmers. If you now recognize that you are married to this man, you experience his Jekyll/Hyde traits----magnetic and charismatic, wearing his public persona. Everyone in his adoring audience is applauding--This is Dr. Jekyll.  Behind closed doors another hidden personality comes out of the shadows---Yes, Mr. Hyde is here. Mr. Hyde strikes fear in his spouse. He is filled with endless rage that spews out in frightening ways. He is always right; you are always wrong. Mr. Hyde criticizes you, expecting you to be perfect. When you let down and think that your life is becoming calmer, your spouse verbally demeans you, calls you worthless and stupid, causing severe emotional distress. You ask yourself: Should I stay in this marriage. Maybe, I'm at fault. If I tried harder, was more patient, gave him more of a chance, we could work it out.

This kind of thinking will prolong the narcissistic spouse's verbal abuse and your constant anxiety, depression and feelings of being trapped. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. Narcissists do not change; this is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists are not only pleased with themselves; they are ecstatic about their perfect selves, their mastery and control of others and the adulation of their adoring circle. Work consistently at becoming stronger psychologically and using your creative gifts. Take time practicing quieting your mind with gentle yoga and meditation in the way that these healing modalities work for you. As you develop a sense of separateness and a greater appreciation of yourself as a unique individual, you will begin to disentangle yourself from your narcissistic spouse. You will become more detached and capable of seeing the narcissist clearly, recognizing that you are entitled to lead the life you deserve. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com




Saturday, June 4, 2011

Narcissists Carry No Human Burdens including Shame or Guilt

Narcissists travel through life lightly and deftly. Whether at center stage performing their convincing act and wowing their crowd, narcissists are not burdened or distracted by shame or guilt. As long as they are getting their egos constantly stroked and bolstered and vanquishing their competitors, they are manic with their perfection, mastery and superiority. For those of us who actually have a conscience and feel shame when we have done something to hurt another human being, life each day is more complex and at times painful. Having to consider the feelings of others is a responsibility that many individuals take very seriously. It is part of their imprint as a person of integrity. When we are empathic with someone who is suffering this requires our time and energy. We have to stop what we are doing to help someone with whom we have a close bond or someone we don't know as well who needs our assistance desperately. Those who have a conscience and are empathic naturally place this person's dilemma or crisis as a priority over their own immediate goals.

Most individuals feel shame when they have done something that is wrong. Shame is a very uncomfortable feeling, a body-mind experience that can be very painful and humiliating. Some children are unmercifully shamed when they are young. This has a negative impact on their feelings of self worth if it is particularly egregious and repetitive. Growing into adulthood we experience situations in which we are ashamed of ourselves for being foolish, impulsive, cruel, dismissive and insensitive of others as well as for some of the impulsive acts we have indulged in. We feel the shame, understand what we have done, forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness when required and move on with our lives.

The narcissists experiences neither guilt nor shame. He is impervious to the truth since he lives in complete delusion. If you have ever wondered how narcissists get so much accomplished, remember that they know how to get others to perform the work that they are too superior to do, that they don't pay attention to or raise their children (unless they are molding a golden child who will become the family god) their spouses are disposable objects used for decoration and display that will burnish their personal and professional "brand".  These people are so ruthless that they attempt to psychologically disrupt the lives of their own children if they don't go along with the narcissist's program for every phase of living.

Holding some shame and/or guilt is part of being an authentic human being. As we move closer into understanding the deeper and often darker reaches of ourselves, we learn to let the shame we were holding from long ago to fade out  as we heal. We discern when it is necessary and even instructive to feel guilty over our transgressions. We work them through, resolved not to repeat these negative regressive patterns of thought and deed again. Unlike the narcissist who is always psychologically regressed like a spoiled, cruel petulant child, we must forge ahead to continue to grow for the rest of our lives, balancing the light and dark of our personalities, nourishing our creative gifts and expanding and deepening our compassion for others. To learn in-depth about the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You Are Not Your Narcissistic Spouse's Servant

Besides jeopardizing their psychological and physical health, those who live with narcissists, particularly spouses, rob themselves of vital opportunities to develop their unique creative gifts. The se aside their talents, dries and dreams to spend huge amount of time and energy at the disposal of a corporate wife or husband or an obsessive entrepreneur." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

You may wake up today and realize that you have been in the role of servant to your narcissistic spouse for many years. If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, mother in particular, the stage is set in many ways. You were to go-for person, the fixer, the one who took care of the other children. You were the little mother, the protector. You didn't have a childhood. Don't repeat this painful pattern. Make a clear decision to either stay with this narcissist who is not going to change or to sever the relationships. Take very good care of yourself. Make sure you have the support of a few friends with whom you can communicate at any time. Practice healing modalities like walking or sitting meditation and gentle yoga. Pay attention and follow your intuition. It is your best friend for life. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist In your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, June 3, 2011

Is the Narcissist Exploiting You Again...

"The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone...All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive....Whether personal or  professional, agreements, contracts, or covenants with narcissists are made to be broken." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

Narcissists don't waste their time with you unless you will bring them success, status and/or money. If you are not, they cannot be bothered with you and cross you off of their list. The narcissist is always scanning his environment, looking for those who will produce for him. By seduction or guile he will win over and claim as his own those who will feed his boundless ego. Every relationship for the narcissist is a stepping-stone to success. Narcissists are always looking toward the future to plot, plan and achieve their next goal.

Narcissists think of others as inanimate objects, like pieces on a chessboard that they can masterfully manipulate.

To protect yourself from narcissists and be free of their intrusions on your life, learn to identify them quickly. Pay close attention to your intuition--that wisest of voices that always tells you who someone really is. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Build a strong grounded center within yourself. Treat yourself with respect and build a strong sense of self entitlement. Practice healing modalities that work for you: gentle hat yoga, q gong, meditation. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Painful Relationships with Narcissistic Siblings

If you are a member of a narcissistic family it is worse than being a fish out of water. In some of these family constellations,mother and father are narcissists and several of their children are budding narcissists. Growing up in these families, the non-narcissistic child is both ignored and abused. In narcissistic families there are a lot of ugly psychological rivalries and covert behaviors.

I have communicated with scapegoated children and heard stories of their intolerable painful childhoods. They are always in a state of survival----under emotional siege. These children are trapped in a psychological fight or flight syndrome. The sympathetic nervous system is working overtime. This depletes the child's energy level, feelings of worth and increases anxiety and depression, causing harm to the psyche. When you have narcissistic siblings constantly goading you, threatening and intimidating you, there is no place to go. Some children hid in their rooms, go to libraries, friend's houses to get some small respite from these cruel chaotic situations. On the outside the family looks ideal---Inside it is a nightmare, especially for the non-narcissistic child.

These dysfunctional relationships can continue through adulthood if the non-narcissistic sibling does not sever them. There comes a time when this person says Enough! I don't deserve this. I am entitled to lead my life with emotional freedom and inner peace. Those who follow this new pathway find that it is rough at times but I hear reports that finding this freedom and growing and strengthening the real, creative self is well worth the effort. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com