Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Spouses Married to Narcissists---Step out of the Misery Role

There are many material perks to being married to a narcissist who is successful in his/her career. There is the image that you were chosen by this accomplished, bright, socially skilled person to be his partner. Many spouses are swept into this role. Eventually the dazzle and bling for many begins to fade and the person married to the narcissist recognizes the down side of this pseudo relationship. As you live with this person you recognize that he has a dark side that is selfish, cruel, cold, calculating, vindictive, exploitive, deceptive.  Many non-narcissistic spouses decide by default that they must live in misery with this individual. Some of them have grown up in narcissistic families as scapegoats and targets of chronic verbal abuse. They spent their childhoods being criticized, demeaned, humiliated and projected upon. They were blamed for things they never did. A narcissistic brother or sister was always able to convince the narcissistic parent that the victim was the perpetrator. Children growing up in this family constellation feel helpless, frightened and that they are unworthy of leading a happy life. They are always anticipating misery since that is what they known from the beginning. It is not unusual for these individuals to repeat the childhood pattern by marrying a narcissist.And the nightmare begins anew. The abuse is horrendous but familiar to them. They expected to be treated cruelly and dismissively. That is what they know. 

In many cases the non-narcissistic spouse wakes up and realizes that she/he has been play the part of the victim all of her life. She begins to feel that she deserves so much more: inner peace, affection, being understood and cherished, growth of her creative gifts. Eventually these victims discover that they are married to narcissistic personalities who are not going to change. But they are---They become more independent, begin to appreciate their individuality, participate in good psychotherapy and join support groups. They finally recognize that they are worth it---a valuable unique individual and step out of the Misery Role. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself  from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, February 27, 2012

Covert Narcissists: Martyrs in Sackcloth---Endless Pity Parties

Covert narcissists are so clever that they fool most people. They are like skilled double agents, trained to the highest level. They present themselves as humble, self-effacing and lacking entitlement. They praise you excessively, telling your how attractive you are, how much you have accomplished. They admire you--"I could never have achieved what you have done. You are talented and brilliant and beautiful besides." These comments roll out of their mouths like watching your streaming breath on a cold winter night. They put you on the highest pedestal. They have never met anyone like you. They feel so lucky and are in awe.  Many women lap this up because the level of acting is high. Covert narcissists have their scripts down to every gesture and word nuance. They know when you are at your most vulnerable and take advantage with perfect timing.

If you become involved with a covert narcissist and something goes wrong--he/she is not getting everything he wants, he will play the martyr in sackcloth role. "I have given you myself unconditionally and look how you have hurt me. I can't take this kind of abuse." You might as well reverse these words because it is the covert narcissist who has eclipsed your life, made outrageous demands, who constantly lies, breaks promises and humiliates you. And then there is the pseudo self pity. "I thought my life had changed when I met you. You make things so hard for me. You are so demanding I can't stand it. You married me to get ahold of my money and leave me for someone else" There are too many pity parties to count. Some spouses and partners of covert narcissists feel guilty and believe that this person is the victim and that they must do everything they can (even if it disrupts their life horribly) to soothe and give in to the covert narcissist's bottomless "needs." These "needs" mean constant worship and adulation, jumping the minute he makes irrational demands, believing his chronic lies, returning for more verbal abuse, allowing him to exhaust your psychological and sometimes financial resources.

Take the time to learn how to quickly recognize the covert narcissist and to keep him out of your life. If he/she is part of your life now and you realize who this person really is, seriously think about severing this relationship. Take care of yourself first---the covert narcissist is only watching out for himself despite his sackcloth and ashes and endless pity parties. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, February 26, 2012

One Narcissist Causes Pain to an Entire Family

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. Everyone surrounded by the narcissist's destructive traits---chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage---is highly aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do not care who you are--a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, even a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel. Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. "Oh that's just the way he is---a perfectionist." But he is so bright and accomplished--cut him some slack." Really----I don't think so when this person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don't care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he wields, or the size of his material largess.

We are at a time right now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven---yes they move ahead trampling on everyone else. This is despicable behavior and will not be tolerated. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this one highly disturbed person has caused. Become fully aware of the nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. Listen to those who have suffered under its iron boot and merciless treatment. If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 turn away and sever the relationship. I know this can be difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change. The quality of your life--psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual--is invaluable. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, February 24, 2012

Predatory Narcissists---Stop Feeling Sorry for Them

When a narcissist has come a hair's breath from destroying your life psychologically and emotionally, the focus must be on you and your welfare. Yes, it is tragic that most narcissists as children were conditioned to become cold, fraudulent false selves without empathy or conscience. But we must think about the incredible number of people they harm throughout their lives. One narcissists can emotionally endanger hundreds of individuals in very short order. First they don't have a conscience that slows us down.We think about the consequences to others before we act. We make every effort not to hurt others.
The narcissist leaves people discarded, alone, psychologically injured, emotionally desperate and immobilized without a twinge of conscience. While you spend you nights staring at the ceiling with your guts roiling and your mind torturing you, the narcissist is fast asleep. He doesn't have a conscience---his only concern is about getting caught. 

Narcissists are predatory---they know when we are vulnerable and will be receptive to their wiles, baits and seductions. Their timing is impeccable--they are so cunning. When all else fails they play on your empathy and use every trick to pull you back into their delusional life. They want to possess you and control you. Many women get caught up in this self destructive cycle that can become a life pattern.

Learn everything you can about the true predatory nature of the narcissists in all of his masks, using every trick in the the book and more. You will recognize what he is doing---tricking you to fuse with him again--sending you off on a detour that interrupts your life. The narcissist is unconcerned about what his intrusions are doing to you. He is a demanding, petulant child who knows exactly what he wants right now and will not be denied.
Trust your true self and honor it. You have been through a difficult life passage. You are entitled to lead a life where you are the author. Your destiny is to continue to evolve, to use all of your creative gifts, to give and receive love and to help yourself and others to find inner peace. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Don't Wait for Your Narcissistic Spouse to Change

The narcissistic personality is fixed and impervious to change. Many of those who are on the receiving end of these "relationships" keep holding out the hope that if they fulfill the narcissist's demands and wishes, he or she will change their controlling, abusive behavior.

Time after time the injured spouse goes to therapy to re-do herself, to learn to become more patient and understanding. In some cases if the spouse goes to the wrong therapist, she will be pressured to believe that the problem is within the client's psyche. Some therapists assume that people who come to them are responsible for the problems in the marital relationship. They ask: "What are you doing that is irritating your husband?" "How can you be more understanding?" "Why don't you learn how to give a little?" Fortunately there are many excellent clinical professionals who are keenly aware of the psychological sabotage that the narcissistic spouse projects on his partner. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful and enlightening to the spouse who is considering leaving the marriage. The client comes face to face with the fact that he/she is married to a narcissistic personality disorder who is not going to change. She/he gets the message that the failed marriage is not all her fault. It is not possible to have a genuine marital union with a narcissist.

Narcissists are conditioned not born to this psychopathology. As small children they are taught directly or indirectly that it is perfectly fine to believe that your are superior to others, that you can manipulate and exploit anyone who is an obstacle to your goal, that a perfect image trumps substance, that being ruthless and careless with the feelings of others is essential to success. Empathy and developing a conscience is not part of the budding narcissist's vocabulary. They are given free reign to trample over others to win. Winning for the narcissist is everything. This parental influence becomes deeply embedded in the psychic structure of the growing narcissist. This disorder is highly fixed and rigid and disinclined to change.

If you are involved with a narcissistic partner or married to one, know that this individual will not change, ever. Stop making yourself sick over their constant  spewing of toxic projections, their put downs, their verbal sabotage, their putrid secrets, their explotive deeds.

Take your life in your hands. Create a support group you can count on. It can be one person with whom you can communicate. Think carefully about your own welfare for a change. Learn to appreciate all of your creative gifts. Embrace the beauty of your individuality. You deserve to lead a full rich life on your terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my websitethenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Monday, February 20, 2012

Narcissistic Stepmothers---No Fairy Tale

There are extraordinary kind women who become stepparents. They do everything they can, not to take the place of the biological mother, but to help children to whom they are entrusted to develop, grow, feel secure and confident within their proper roles.

Here I am talking about narcissistic stepmothers. These women often plot their way into your father's life. They view him as an excellent "catch", someone whom they can control. They don't give a damn about his children. What they want is to take every narcissistic supply from this man and his family. They are so brazen---they may have been having an affair with the father for years before the divorce papers were finally signed. Never be surprised at the gall of a narcissistic stepmother. It is not unusual for them to demand an elaborate wedding even if they have been married several times before and are way beyond the blushing bride stage. Every detail of the wedding is expected to be perfect--no expense can be spared. After all---the narcissistic bridezilla will be on full display. This is her moment.

After the wedding it becomes very clear that the pecking order has changed. These stepmothers have a very short honeymoon period with their new step children. They may know how to smile convincingly but behind this fakery, there is the truth. This woman intends to take complete charge of her new husband and to devalue the relationship that he has with his kids. These women make up convincing lies about the children. They complain about not getting the respect they are entitled to from these children. They say: "Honey, what am I doing wrong? You're kids don't like me. They are rude. I don't know what to do?" The father is so entranced and deluded with his new wife that he believes her. The children are unjustly reprimanded. These narcissistic step mothers do everything they can to alienate the children. They insist on spending long weekends alone without the children. They don't participate in helping the kids with school in any way. When the husband asks about this, the wife says that the children didn't want her assistance. This merry-go-round of lies, deceptions and manipulations never stops. Some children get off of this wild, cruel ride by becoming invisible in the household, spending most of their time at friends' houses, the library, etc.

Many children of narcissistic stepmothers and weak fathers grow up to be incredible human beings. I am not discounting the psychological pain they have experienced and the hurt they feel about being abandoned by their fathers. Some find other relatives who act as surrogate parents and become sources of great support. The adult children are often highly empathic individuals who made the psychological separation from the narcissistic stepmother and father who was fused with her. Many benefit from psychotherapy. Others have creative gifts which are a source of comfort and strength. These gifts belong to them. No one can interfere with their individual talent and their inspirations. Some of these children reach out to others who have grown up in similar family constellations and help them heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Toxic Narcissistic Couples---Sever these Relationships

When two high level narcissists become a couple and join forces they increase their power among those who are vulnerable to their many seductions. Narcissists don't have relationships---they make deals that will create lucrative connections. They plot their rise to power. They have no mental limitations to their goals. They don't have the burden of conscience or compassion to slow down their progress. Their "show" always goes on despite the psychological pain, angst, even emotional collapse they have caused family members, including their own children. They don't carry within them the empathy, which would take up their valuable time. They have perfected a pseudo empathy which is believable. They use this act successfully with those in their inner circle from whom they extract more narcissistic supplies.

Many narcissistic power couples hate one another's guts. Behind closed door they battle and bruise one another. When it's show time, they put on the elaborate makeup and costumes of their irresistible personas. They are masterful at interacting with people who will be highly impressed with them, to the point of becoming followers and members of their many social/business circles.

Learn to identify narcissistic couples quickly. Protect yourself from their allure and empty promises. Sever these pseudo relationships. They are psychologically toxic. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife..com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, February 16, 2012

You are Stronger and More Genuine than Your Narcissistic Spouse

In the midst of listening to a narcissistic spouse screaming in your ear during one of his many tantrums, you wonder if you can take it anymore. You have been worn down by the daily verbal attacks, put downs and criticisms of your partner. At first many spouses believe that they can change their narcissistic partners. They make helpful suggestions, research how to create a happy, healthy marriage. Above all they give so much of themselves to solving the marital issues with the narcissist. Many non-narcissistic spouses go to couples therapy. The narcissist is he/she attends is inclined to sabotage the entire process. In some cases the narcissist convinces the therapist that his marital partner is unstable and flips this professional to his side. This is a nightmare. I do not recommend couples therapy with a narcissistic spouse. In many instances if there are financial assets involved the narcissist want to continue the relationship formally so that he can maintain his lifestyle and  and not give the spouse her due. Narcissistic spouses use clever accountants to hide their monetary worth so that if a divorce eventually occurs there is nothing left for the non-narcissistic spouse. I hear these painful life stories frequently. They are exceedingly cruel.In the meantime the narcissist has found someone else to impress and draw into his web. This person will become another victim.

When you recognize that you are married to a narcissist through your research, by means of good psychotherapy and your fine intuition, it is time to take action. You cannot reveal to your partner that he is a narcissist. It is highly inflammatory (even if it if the truth). The narcissist will throw this in your face and call you histrionic and unstable.

As you research the narcissistic personality disorder, you will recognize the person to whom you are married.
Do not be judgmental with yourself. You could not have known that this person was a narcissist. They conceal their pathology so skillfully and the narcissistic society gives them every opportunity to activate their grandiosity, self entitlement, ruthlessness and chronic lying.

You win against the narcissist by identifying and standing by your solid, strong self. You hold the truth-the narcissist lives in delusion not attached to reality. Your genuineness is a powerful part of your personality that keeps you grounded. You care about understanding yourself and are empathic with others. These are great strengths that you hold to while severing yourself from the relationship with the narcissist and for the rest of your life. When you are free of this burden you will expand your creativity, deepen your sense of peace and expand your consciousness. You are deeply in touch with yourself---that wonderful human being you were always meant to be. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Narcissistic Spouses--Using You Up to the Max

I hear life stories every day about women and men who believed that the person they married genuinely loved them. What they didn't know was that this individual was a narcissistic personality and that made all the difference. One of the common themes is for the non-narcissistic spouse to begin to see the psychological and emotional cracks in the partnership quite early. She overrides these observations and makes a greater effort to be more understanding and patient with her spouse. Inside she blames herself for letting her partner down. She takes the burden of her spouse's severe pathology upon herself. (I am using the feminine gender since statistically most narcissists are still males--but the females are growing in numbers). There are some "good times" that are cherished by the spouse. She continues to believe that she can "fix the marriage."  She doesn't understand the true dark nature of the narcissist. Why would she? Her assumption is that most people are genuine, honest and caring and that the marriage is a true partnership. Narcissists don't marry---they create arrangements that work for them.

As the marriage deteriorates the narcissists makes more outrageous demands on his spouse. The bouts of bottomless rage increase. The recriminations and accusations are stepped up. If you have children, the narcissist is a father in name only. Often he portrays himself as a workaholic while he is having affairs on the side. He is a man of many identities---a consummate actor who always gets what he wants. Narcissists can exploit their partner to the breaking point. They don't care if you are weak, exhausted, ill, depressed, anxious or desperate. They will use and abuse to the max. And when they are finished they will discard you. This can end in a very ugly divorce where the injured spouse is left with almost no financial resources. The narcissist has planned in advance and cunningly whisked them away.

Your marriage to a narcissist does not have to end this way. Identify these individuals as early as possible. Make your own plans to free yourself from them. Keep your exit strategy to yourself. Gather your support group around you--It only takes one loving person to help you through this ordeal and passed it to freedom.
Pay close attention to your intuition. Do not override this invaluable gift. It will tell you exactly who this person is whom you married. There is an indomitable spirit inside of you that is strong, steady and sure. Listen to that internal voice. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Siblings of Narcissistic Brothers--Narcissistic Sisters--Heal and Prevail

Growing up in a narcissistic family with siblings with the same personality disorder is beyond challenging. Mother or father narcissist (or both) has seized upon one of your siblings (or more) as the perfect living model of their excellence. From the beginning it is obvious that this child is the One. All of the attention is placed on this child. Narcissistic mother idealizes this living supply and experiences this child as a perfect replica of herself. The blooming narcissist is allowed to psychologically demean, humiliate and harm his/her brothers and sisters. Mother
dismisses her other children as inferior. She makes fun of them, tells them they can't measure up to the chosen child and that she is too drained to listen or do anything for them. These narcissistic mothers have their priorities. The "imperfect" children are treated as servants in some cases. They do the cleaning, cooking, errands. They even pick up after the golden narcissistic child. One of the most painful incessant patterns is that they are constantly compared with the chosen one as inferior, lazy, dumb, ugly, a behavior problem, untalented, socially backward.

Those who survive this nightmare background need to take time to sort out who they really are. It certainly is not what their narcissistic mother projected on to them. That was coming from her dark unconscious. Some of them find that quality psychotherapy helps them acknowledge and experience their pain with a strong therapeutic alliance. Other forms of healing are learning to quiet the mind, gentle yoga and of course the use of your many creative gifts. Separating physically and emotionally from the narcissistic mother is an integral part of the healing process. Free for the first time in your life, you have only begun to rediscover yourself and appreciate your true nature. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, February 13, 2012

Stop Blaming Yourself for Your Narcissistic Mother

All of your life you have been exposed to the psychopathology of  your narcissistic mother. As a small child is it very unlikely that you realized that your mother was a serious personality disorder. These mothers are cruel to their children directly and indirectly. They constantly criticize, demean and undermine their children.The only exception are the chosen daughters and sons who become the golden child monster children.

Many adult children of narcissistic mothers have internalized toxic projections of this highly disturbed parent. They believe that they are defective and at fault. Narcissistic siblings unite with the mother and reinforce these feelings of being at fault, not being good enough, never adding up, ruining the family image. When adult children research the narcissistic literature they are surprised to learn that it is the narcissistic mother who is to blame not the child. Many of these adult children go on a quest to discover who they really are. They discover insights into their true natures. They learn to appreciate their individuality and gifts. Many of them separate physically and emotionally from the narcissist mother. They will no longer be stunted, blocked, brutalized, criticized and undermined by this person even though it is your mother. It is your decision to remain connected with the NM and whether to separate from this person who is psychologically toxic.

There are many ways to heal from the narcissistic mother that include practices of quieting the mind, hatha yoga, creative writing, walking meditation, making a companion of Nature. At this point you appreciate yourself as a solid, individuated person. Celebrate you freedom and your life. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Immunizing Yourself against Narcissistic Verbal Attacks

Our physical immune systems are a wonder. If we maintain them, they are constantly fending off diseases and infections of all kinds. We are in charge of our immune health. We learn how to eat foods that will support the immune system and to avoid others that will suppress. Our daily habits strengthen the immune system. The exercise that we do on a regular basis boosts our immune systems. Making every effort to get quality sleep is another source of strengthening this wonderful protective that enhances our physical well being. I use this example to explain that we can develop an immunity to narcissistic verbal attacks. Of course if we don't have a professional obligations to be around narcissists, we avoid them. They are a toxic presence. There are growing numbers of narcissists every day. We find them in our spouses, siblings, parents and with our bosses and co-workers. The narcissist has no incentive to change. At this time of growing acceptance of narcissists in our current society, we have to learn to deal with them. They are not going away and they have no reason to change. They experience themselves as perfect and others as inferior and defective.

We build psychological immunity by first understanding and appreciating who we are. It is not the sum of our accomplishments in the world. It is based on the strength and integrity of our character and our capacity to know and seek the truth. It is recognized in our efforts to move beyond the compelling narcissistic delusion that you can be ruthless, cruel, merciless, without conscience and destroy others as long as you win.

Don't be surprised at the number of people who follow and are true believers of narcissists. They crave being a member of the inner circle even if they are infrequently thrown crumbs or are honored to kiss the ring of the anointed.They have thrown away their identities, strapped themselves to the narcissist for the E ticket ride. They will do anything to be identified with this person. They believe that he or she is a good human being because of outside trappings and the wielding of power over others.



If you have a narcissistic parent you have been through the wars of childhood and prevailed. I am not downplaying the horrendous suffering you have been through. It is incalculable. It often occurs into adulthood. When you know that your parent(s) is a narcissist you have a number of decisions to make. You can control your contact with them despite their protestations and accusations and their spreading gossip and lies about your character. Anyone who doesn't see through these machinations is not going to be someone whom you can rely on or trust. Sometimes good people are fooled by these cunning method actors. Sometimes relatives who took the bait, see the truth and turn around. But you cannot wait for what they might do.

The focus is on developing and evolving as an individual who is solid and strong. Some who have been victimized find that psychotherapy is helpful in building a therapeutic alliance with a professional and developing trust, being heard and understood. If you go in this direction, do you research and trust your observations and reactions to prospective therapists. Remember you are hiring them to help you with your life.

If you are verbally attacked by a narcissist who is a family member, an acquaintance, an ex-spouse, learn to detach from their inappropriate, incendiary comments and criticisms. First, you don't have to respond to such cruelty in the first place. Some statements are so delusional that they do not deserve engagement ---silence on your part can be golden, when the narcissist knows you mean it. There are times when you make the decision to defend yourself. There are many replies to toxic questions and queries and cruel statements. Make your statement clear and short.Do not re-engage the narcissist. That's what he's waiting for---to pull you back in. One good response to inappropriate queries is: " I don't respond to personal questions."


One of the best ways to immunize yourself is to create an internal space inside that cannot be penetrated by the attacker. Develop habits and routines that you consistently use to quiet your body and mind. Regular exercise that works for you is one of them. Getting sufficient sleep and eating good foods strengthen the body,mind and psyche. Following your creative track is inspirational and empowering. It separates you further from the narcissist's arrowed quiver of recriminations, manipulations, deceptions and blatant cruelties. Learn to go within, using a form of stilling the mind that works for you. It can be a form of meditation, chanting, gentle yoga with emphasis on the breathing, gardening, keeping a private journal, etc. Develop a small but faithful support system. These are people you can count on when you are discouraged, worn out, burned out and when you feel alone. The listening ear of a supportive person is one of the most powerful forms of psychological immunization you can have.

Search for and follow your dreams. Allow you mind to move unchoreographed and free. You will be surprised at the results of this practice. Spend some time, even if it is smile lifting up others. This is a special time right now of great suffering for many. A smile a kind look, a few words can make all the difference in their day and yours. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com






Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Divorce Narcissistic Spouse---Rediscover Your Sense of Self and Use of Your Creative gifts

Making the decision to divorce a narcissistic spouse can be wrenching even after you can identify this person as a severe personality disorder who is not going to change. In many cases there are shared financial resources, residences and other possessions that will require division. The narcissist always lies about his true assets and often conceals them when serious talk of divorce fills the air.  Make sure you choose an excellent attorney who understands the ruthless games of the narcissist, their no limits attitude and lack of conscience and of course their incredible acting skills. Be prepared for the plots and plans, their pity and martyr roles. Follow their assets with a microscope. In some instances forensic accountants are hired to get to the bottom of what the narcissistic spouse has hidden. After the final papers are signed and the divorce is a reality, the non-narcissistic spouse is left to put back together his/her lives.

After the narcissist the spouse who has been through an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride and has sustained great stress and trauma goes through a process of rebuilding the self. For years and even decades your life has been dictated by the controlling narcissist. In effect you were a prisoner of your marriage. The narcissist made all of the rules and you were expected to obey. Your life was overshadowed by this highly pathological human being.

Now that you are free, you may find yourself going through a period of adjusting to making your own decisions and rediscovering your creative gifts. For other spouses , they move into first gear very quickly---they are prisoners who have been waiting for the gates of freedom to open. These individuals began to bloom and thrive. They discover that they have great amounts of energy. They feel their freedom. They discover that they feel great making their own decisions. They experience joy in recovering their great creative gifts from the past and finding talents that they didn't realize they had. This is a process of restoring your life. There is a freedom with other people. You can express yourself spontaneously, create new meaningful relationships that are supportive and healing. Some of those who divorce narcissists begin healing practices of yoga and meditation that result in deeper healing and a sense of peace. The sense of a solid self is built on a firm foundation of knowing who you are and accepting and loving yourself. There are so many reports of those who free themselves from narcissistic spouses that are inspirational and bring light into our lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, February 6, 2012

Narcissistic Parents---Buying Off Their Children--This is Not Love

Narcissists are incapable of developing and sustaining genuine relationships of any kind with spouse or children in particular. They are parents in name only. Many of them spend most of their time away from their kids. They can't be bothered taking time and patience to listen to their children, comfort them when they are upset, encourage them with school, show deep affection and love for them. So many children of narcissists with whom I have communicated describe their lives with a narcissistic parent as horrific. Those who are not the special child and don't have the looks and talents that the narcissistic parent values, find themselves marginalized and demeaned. The narcissist parent is obsessed with his/her image. Because of this need for narcissistic supplies these parents make sure that to those living outside of the home, there is a look of perfection and normalcy about this family. A portrait of loving attentive parents is cleverly created for public image purposes for the narcissist.

To keep his/her children quiet and in control, narcissistic parents who have the means use money and generous gifts as a way of buying off their children. This becomes a way of life for them. Money is used in exchange for love. Some children of narcissists go along with these manipulations; others recognize that their parent(s) is incapable of loving them and using material means to control them. In many cases the narcissistic parent makes empty promises that are never kept. These children remain tied to the narcissistic parent in a psychologically parasitic relationship. These children never grow up and realized their potential. They spend their lives waiting for something that will never come---genuine love. In exchange they accept the narcissistic parent(s) gifts, material largess and special privileges of being part of the inner circle.

Children who awaken to this truth go through painful realizations, recognizing that their parent cannot love. This is a difficult psychological and emotional process for children of narcissists. Surprisingly, many children of narcissistic parents are loving human beings, capable of deep empathy.

Coming to terms with psychologically and in some cases physically severing the relationship with the narcissistic parent is a complex process. There is a period of grieving over the loss of not having a parent--the person from whom you needed unconditional love. Some of these children benefit from psychotherapy in working through these painful issues. Part of the healing process is in their recognition that they are loving and capable of emotional and psychological intimacy. Some of adult children turn to healing practices like hatha yoga and meditation to help them quiet the mind, attain a deep sense of inner peace and finally detach from the narcissistic parent. It is essential that you take charge of yourself, recognize and lead your life as a person of great value and integrity. As you move ahead you will rediscover your unique gifts and talents. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Narcissistic In-Laws---Identify Them and Protect Yourself

You don't have any control over who are your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and other family members. And you can not determine who will become your in-laws. And that is a huge dilemma if they are narcissists. One narcissistic in-law can spoil your whole day and more ----if you let them. I'm not saying it is easy to maneuver their circuitous, deceitful, ruthless ways. The first step is in identifying them as quickly as possible. It is invaluable for you to spend some time studying the narcissistic personality---the character disorder of our time. Once you know that one or some of your in-laws are narcissists, keep out of their range. There are few things that they love to do more than trapping you in a corner all alone and project their psychological venom on to you. Do not be alone with these people.  Their toxic bursts are non-stop. Narcissistic in-laws lie about family members all of the time. It's like a sport with them. They are seeking complete control of the family including family assets. You say---but they're family!!!!No, they are not. They carry this title in name only. They are ruthless, treacherous narcissists who will endeavor to brainwash or vanquish everyone in the family, stepping over everyone to get to the very top. And often they do---by stealth, cunning, pretending to care deeply about someone whom they can control. Never sell these individuals short. I have known of cases in which a narcissistic in-law stole three inheritances that didn't belong to them. They became executors, won the trust of unwitting family members and they never got caught. It's hard to believe but this happens.

Protect yourself from these vipers. If there are other family members who are as perceptive as you and recognize their true natures, form an alliance with them. In some cases they have undermined everyone. Family members are living under the spell of the toxic in-law and you have to step aside and protect yourself and lead your life free from them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Surrounded by Narcissists---Let Your Light Shine

There are many extraordinary human beings who grew up in narcissistic families. Mother, father, sisters, brothers, in-laws, grandparents---every pattern imaginable exists. This is one of the most difficult family constellations for a growing child. In some cases there are surrogate parents in the form of a brother, sister, aunt, grandparent, who provides a sense of acceptance, affection and being cared for. In others the child grows up very isolated, believing that this family is the only reality. Other children see through the charade early and learn to maneuver through their own lives by keeping themselves almost invisible, pretending to go along with the narcissistic family delusion, while maintaining their own sense of reality. Some children escape into books, spend a lot of time at the homes of friends, learn a great deal from their teachers, use their imaginations for creative purposes and insulate themselves from the pathology that surrounds them.

At some point the children in narcissistic families discover that the people who"raised" them were unable to be genuine. As narcissists they lived as false often grandiose selves. Getting in touch with the real self is not possible for the narcissist. Children in these families are often highly favored as special and superior. Many of them become narcissists and repeat the family pattern.

Those who step out and separate and individuate from the narcissistic family of origin take a monumental passage forward to re-acquaint themselves with their true selves and all of their special gifts, talents and energies that they have concealed from themselves for so long. One of the purposes we are here on earth is to manifest our creative gifts in the special form it takes in each individual. The maxim--"Let your light shine" is a wise one and essential to leading whole, healing and triumphant lives. You may be surprised at how many of your creative gifts you have left lying fallow. Many are amazed at the rich capacities that they have deep within them. The other part of your healing is in sharing what you have learned with others. There are so many people who feel trapped by the narcissistic personality.in each family constellation. Some of those who are now living in the freedom of the light communicate their journeys in various forms--writing, art, being active in support groups.

We celebrate your perseverance through this process and the emergence of your real self that has been waiting all of your life to become the person you were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Shameless Narcissists Project Shame on their Spouses

Shame is a complex intolerable feeling of being exposed, wanting to disappear, emotional vulnerability, feeling inferior and worthless. Each person feels shame in his or her own way. A child who feels shame has been shamed by parent(s) siblings or other family members. Shaming a child is a way of controlling them--making them feel small and helpless.Chronic shaming abuse leaves a painful imprint on the psyche..

Narcissists are shameless. They have no sense of limits or consideration for others. Narcissists lie shamelessly, attempt to destroy your reputation, even have you fired---For these serious transgressions of human decency they feel no shame. Not having a conscience facilitates narcissists in their outrageous and hurtful behaviors. Narcissists are particularly brutal with their spouses. They create reasons to shame their partners. Riding along with the shaming is their volcanic rage. Here there is no let up. They constantly scream in your face, slam doors, hit walls, then revert to the silent treatment. At the end of these wretched scenes the narcissist blames you for disturbing him. Narcissistic spouses are constantly finding ways to whittle you down psychologically, to keep you desperate, to throttle your nerve endings. Shaming is one of their most effective evil tools. It is especially pernicious if you were shamed as a child. Some spouses take this toxic kind of abuse because it is so familiar to them. They unconsciously turn to a narcissistic spouse to reinforce how they feel about themselves from childhood. Some spouses, after years of being belittled and laughed out and dragged through the mud of abuse, wake up and realize they don't deserve to be treated in this abusive manner.

The work of separating permanently from the narcissistic spouse has begun. This passage may not be easy or smooth but it is worth the journey. I am in communication with many spouses who have made this final separation from the narcissistic spouse. With the help of the support of family members and/or other members of their social group together with those who benefit from excellent psychotherapy, they taste freedom for the first time in their lives. They don't have to make excuses for who they are. They feel no shame or hesitation as they move toward healing and wholeness. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.