Thursday, January 31, 2013

Narcissistic Sons of Narcissistic Fathers--Spreading the Misery

Each narcissist has his own style. Some are brash, obnoxious, vicious, reptilian. Others are smooth, so sleek and clever that most people are taken in by them. On some occasions the narcissistic son is an absolute charmer. Bright, convivial, astute socially and driven to succeed this fellow goes far in his profession. He is capable of maintaining marital relationships as long as he is getting his necessities: obedience, praise, adulation, total agreement. He appears to care about his children as long as they come up to his high standards. He loves to brag about their exemplary school performance and their attractiveness. Socially you would never guess that this person is a narcissist. It is behind the stage after the performance that you know better. This smooth guy cannot stop talking about himself. There is no conversation with him. He regales you with his multitudinous stories that feature him as the lead actor. You hear about his professional triumphs ad nauseum. He has a loyal group of followers in  his close circle of Yes men. His focus in life is not insight, self knowing, compassion for others that he puts into action. It is economic success at the highest level. He doesn't care whom he hurts or decimates as he climbs to the top. His ruthlessness is masked by his ready smile, quick jokes, rambling stories and his handsome appearance.

The narcissistic father is a different story. Cast as the golden child from toddlerhood he indeed is very bright. He has been tested and found to be intellectually gifted. The parents are hyper impressed. The other children in the family are ignored and left to fend for themselves.Bid Daddy Narcissist is brash, rude, insensitive and downright cruel. He makes the most cutting remarks when you are alone with him. The horrendous projections eject from his mouth like filthy vomitus. He hits you in the gut with his verbal blows. You learn to avoid his presence because you know he will corner you and let you have it. He is sadistic with his blows. Many of his family members go along with his outrageous treatment. They all say to themselves: "On, there he goes again."  Really!!! These narcissists old or young should not be permitted to get off the hook. They are toxic and psychologically injure others, especially their unfavored children and their spouses.

Watch out for these fellows. Narcissists are increasing in numbers every day. Keep your distance from them. Maintain your ground and self respect. Keep them out of your life even if the rest of your social group or family thinks you are overly sensitive or even crazy. You know the truth about narcissists and the destruction that they cause throughout their lives.

You are taking a different path: learning about and activating your real self, using your many creative gifts, opening your heart and showing your kindness to others, learning how to quiet your mind by meditation, using your intuition to develop wisdom and inner peace. These are the real treasures and they are all available to you right now. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Narcissistic Patriarchs Destroy Their Families

Wherever they go, narcissists are destroyers. Without conscience or psychological boundaries, they head straight for what they want, regardless of the people whom they hurt, wound or destroy. This is particularly painful for family  members. The patriarchal grandiose, ruthless narcissist in his role as father and spouse, turns family members against one another, plays favorites openly, is cruel to those who don't measure up to his standards--meaning they must mirror him perfectly at all times. Narcissistic patriarchs rule with intimidation and threat. As a very young child the son or daughter of a patriarchal narcissist knows the sound of his/her father's footsteps and terror courses throughout his small body. His mind is racing as he feverishly searches for a place to hide. "What have I done wrong this time?" the child asks himself. Some children of narcissistic parents internalize these feelings of always being wrong, of not being worthy, worthlessness--without value.

With their volcanic rage interrupting any possible peace in the home, the narcissistic patriarch holds on to his throne by instilling deep fear in his spouse and children.  Day and night his wife and children are in a state of flight. Their nervous systems are worn down by the constant stress hormones that race through their bodies and the obsessive thoughts that this time dad and husband will lose it completely and decimate all of them.

Surviving this childhood or marriage is truly miraculous. After you are free of the narcissistic patriarch and on your own, there is an essential time for healing, appreciating your true unique nature and acknowledging and using your special gifts. Some victims find that quality psychotherapy helps them to work through the painful legacy of those years of maximum ordeal. There are many practices that will teach you that you are entitled to and can feel safe, secure and calm within yourself.  Practicing deep breathing through the nose slows the nervous system and puts you in the parasympathetic mode. Be patient with yourself. Remember you are learning to shift your body from fear and intimidation to calmness, security and a deep feeling of well being.
Gentle yoga with emphasis of breathing through the nose an focusing on doing poses in the moment teaches us to concentrate on what is happening now. As your breath slows down, every system in your body begins to heal. Looking deep within  and discovering your special gifts is an essential part of your healing. By working each day on this new cycle in your life you will find yourself changing. Be patient with the pace of this shift in your new self perception. Pay close attention to your intuition. Don't let the projections of others interfere with your insight. Move forward on your own path, appreciating the beauty of your personal transformation. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  





Saturday, January 26, 2013

Sadistic Narcissists Get Pleasure from Your Fear

Narcissists are often sadistic. Each one finds his or her own way of gaining pleasure from inducing emotional, psychological or physical pain in others, particularly their spouses, children and siblings. The look of terror in your eyes tells them they have triumphed over you and are under their control. That's what they live for---to manipulate and control the lives of others. This is an indication of their superiority and perfection. It is difficult for those who are involved in relationships with narcissists who are not narcissistic to believe that anyone could be so premeditatively cruel. You are a compassionate person with a conscience. The narcissist is not and has a very low level of consciousness. These individuals are often very bright, high achievers in the world, exceedingly gifted socially and convincing but they are highly pathological. Never mistake a brilliant mind for a kind heart. They often don't mix in the human equation.

Sadistic narcissists are clever at using specific mental devices that will make you fearful. Your nervous system is always in alarm mode when you live with a narcissist. Some children of narcissistic parents carry this fear inside of them. It takes time for them to recognize that they don't have to feel alarmed and apprehensive all of the time. There are other psychological states that they can experience: calmness, inner security, peace in solitude with oneself, the force of your personal power, delight in discovering and activating your creativity, the joy of giving and receiving affection and love, the pure fun of your spontaneity, the use of an invaluable gift--your intuition. All of these capacities are inside of you, waiting to be used to the maximum.

The beginning is recognizing exactly who this person is. Next, is the knowledge that you cannot change anyone else--especially a narcissist. You can change yourself and your internal and external responses to these cruel individuals. In marriages to narcissists, the abused spouse often decides that she or he can and will no longer deal with this abominable treatment and makes the decision to sever the relationship. In other instances, for example, as the adult child of a narcissistic parent, this person goes no contact with the narcissist or very limited contact. (if that is possible)

I have met people who have learned not to react with fear. I applaud them. This is difficult to do especially if you were raised in a traumatic home environment or had parents who didn't give a damn about you or who were perfectionistic and highly controlling. But it can be done with perseverance.

You can begin to use certain practices that will introduce calmness into your life. Keep yourself as physically healthy and strong as you can. Secondly, there are practices like meditation (in a form that works for you) which can be done through walking, sitting, spending quiet time with yourself that in uninterrupted and prayer. If done regularly you will be building core mental, emotional and psychological muscles that you can call upon at any time. You will feel yourself getting stronger and being less intimidated by the narcissist. You are separating more and more from his/her hold on you.

Develop your unique gifts and talents. Do what you love, creatively. This can take any form---art, writing, gardening, cooking, photography, sketching, knitting, keeping a dream journal,crocheting and hundreds of varieties of activities. These gifts and their flowering belong to you and no one else. Recognize, develop and use your intuition. The more you call upon it the stronger intuition becomes. It is our great companion throughout life. Re-start the life that you deserve, Now. Be kind to yourself. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Give to Yourself Each Day

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have spent their lives as servants and even slaves. Never wanted, treated like dirt, the subject of physical and psychological abuse, being compared with other siblings and declared inferior, their moments every day have been filled with fear, humiliation and self degradation. Some adult daughters end up marrying the living nightmare of their mother---another narcissist who in his own style will pull all of the games and betrayals, and cruelties of her mother. This is a repetition of the past that often occurs.

As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, give yourself credit for surviving this hellish life experience. You got yourself through when no one was there to help you or even believe the dreadful things your NM did to you. Your siblings have remained silent and if they are narcissistic golden children they continue to blame and humiliate you. You are the one that is scorned. They learned very well from your NM. A time arrives when daughters of narcissistic mothers can no longer tolerate the abuse. They know they don't deserve it and it is ruining their lives. Many of them go No Contact indefinitely in order to move toward self acceptance, inner peace, self appreciation and the full use of all of their gifts and talents.This reclamation of the self takes place day by day in treating yourself with kindness and expecting respect from those around you. You can fulfill the promise of inner peace and security to yourself. Create a routine that works with strengthening your body, mind and psyche each day. Begin the day with a practice of meditation or solitude that is quiet and private. Doing gentle yoga is very calming and stretches the muscles and activates the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is calm and at ease. Learn to appreciate your own company. Spend time in Nature even it it is for a short time. Some people find great comfort with their pets. Journaling is a source of free expression that is creative and healing.  Learn to say "No" to those who would manipulate you, deceive you or make you feel small. Surround yourself with givers not takers.

You can heal from your NM. Keep the faith in yourself, do the work of healing each day and learn to feel entitled to use and enjoy all of your gifts and talents. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself  from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com





Saturday, January 19, 2013

Deep Pain and Dilemmas Having Narcissistic Step Children n

There are some common mantras that I hear often: "We have a great family" or the other  "We have great kids can be insensitive and inappropriate to individuals who are enduring tremendous streas,traunas and family chaos. . These people are insensitive to other families and individuals who are having a very difficult life with traumas and tragedies. If said thoughtlessly, it is an in your face: "What's the matter with you?" remark that I find inappropriate.You can be very proud of your family and children  but always consider your audience. When someone shares his personal pain with you, it is time for everyone to step up and be empathic and respectful. This person is not asking the listener to make comments about his/her perfect life.  It is not time for this person to chirp about wonderful th Everyone who surrounds them  and  their  DNA. I find this disingenuous. and insensitive. How dare anyone have a very difficult marriage with a narcissistic scoundrel, a spouse that pilfers money out of malleable relatives, an in-law who causes psychological stress and horrid melodramatic scenes at every family gathering and disrupts every life he/she encounters. Many who live among us are hypocrites---intolerant, delusional, pretentious, cruel and vapid.

One of the most difficult family constellations is the husband and wife who have a blended family with biological children on each side.(Any parent who has a narcissistic child has suffered tremendously and needs understanding, respect and comfort.)  At the center of the psychological pain is the narcissistic son or daughter of the husband or wife. This circumstance can tear the family apart and destroy the marriage.The father or mother of the narcissistic child is often in denial about his son or daughter's true nature that is highly pathological. When the parent recognizes that his child is disrupting the family and their marriage it is time to make a decision about how much contact to have or not have with this child. Some narcissistic children set out to destroy the reputation of their parent's spouse. These spouses have expressed their severe pain over the manipulations, frontal and covert attacks upon them. They have cleverly lied to family members, spread rumors, created scandals out of whole cloth and done whatever they can to destroy the marriage. That's how deep their hatred goes. This is self hatred that the narcissist holds deep in his unconscious and is used to project on to and disrupt the lives of anyone of their way.

There is a time of reckoning that occurs. The wife or husband of the spouse who has the narcissistic child has come to the end of their tolerance. They have been verbally maligned too many times. In many cases when the marriage is strong the couple can speak truthfully about the narcissistic child. The parent of the narcissist comes to terms with the recognition that his child suffers from this personality disorder. I have seen this occur. It is difficult but necessary if there is to be any peace in the family or among the marital partners. In many cases there is a decision to have limited or no contact with the narcissistic child. I have great respect for these couples and parents. This is difficult work that requires truthfulness and compassion. In the end these individuals know they have made the right decision, one that allows them to move forward in their personal growth and the deepening of their relationship. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Healing after Divorcing a Narcissist--Self Care

Many ex-spouses of narcissists are so exhausted after their battle to get out of their marriage that they don't think about their own personal healing. Living so long with an abusive, ultra demanding, critical, self absorbed narcissistic spouse, the former partner is still living in the fight or flight mode. That has been this person's life as long as she/he was married to this classic personality disorder. The ex-spouse is accustomed to being screamed at, not being heard or understood and of course a complete lack of empathy.

One of the challenges of healing after the narcissist is to learn self care. If you have never practiced this throughout your life when you were growing up and then moving into a destructive relationship, it is difficult to realize that you deserve to be kind and protective of yourself in every way. As you adjust to finally having freedom from the narcissistic spouse there are a number of ways that you can practice self care.

Get a sufficient amount of sleep each night. The exact hours vary with each individual but learning to check in with your body will tell you the proper rhythm of your sleep/ wake cycles.

Eat balanced meals including protein, vegetables, good fats like avocados and nuts. Do not let your insulin levels spike up or plunge down by eating sugars or high fructose foods.

Learn to say "No" to people who are pressuring you because they are overpowering personalities. You have a right to make your own decisions about whom you will associate with and activities you will attend. Many of those married to narcissists have become accustomed to taking orders and being intimidated by a dominating personality. You no longer are in this situation.  Learn to appreciate your freedom in every way: your thoughts, visions of the future, your creative ideas, free expression of your feelings, time to be alone and enjoy your own company.

Many individuals are helped by setting up a daily routine of essentials that works for them. For example, starting in the morning with a quiet time for meditation, gentle yoga, listening to calming music, etc.
Developing an exercise program that you tailor to your needs to become stronger. Learn to go at your own pace. Appreciate how exercise makes you feel more grounded, calmer and clear minded.

Take time to be in Nature even if it for a short time. Listen to the birds, feed them if you want to, notice the night sky and appreciate its magnificent beauty, watch the movement of ever changing clouds, enjoy the company of animals. If you have a dog or cat, this can be a tremendously gratifying and healing part of your life. Our animal companions contribute immeasurably to our state of inner peace and our feeling of their unconditional love toward us. They teach us how to love more deeply and to experience each moment.

If it appeals to you, spontaneous writing or sketching is a source of freeing up the imagination and a great pleasure if done without editing or self criticism. 

Listening to music--our favorite kind puts away obsessive thoughts and carries us into new worlds that provide bursts of energy and inspiration. Appreciate your laughter and sense of humor and the freedom to express your silliest thoughts. This is a joyful experience. Don't miss it!

Learn to appreciate your original self, the person you were meant to be. As you become more familiar with this self you will know instinctively that you are grounded and feel more secure within. Here you will continue to grow and evolve in every facet of your inner and outer worlds. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com





Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Narcissistic Spouses Can Make You Physically Ill

I want to add to the title here and say: "Narcissistic Spouses Can Make You Physically Ill If You Let Them" It can be very difficult to know if you are married to a narcissist. There are some individuals who see through this personality disorder but they are rare. They don't marry this person because they sense the red flags of extreme self entitlement, self absorption, bubbling rage and lack of empathy. Others are starry eyed going into the marriage and have been tricked by the narcissist's incredible charm and special promises to you that your life will change forever as his partner. As the years go by you begin to notice that your spouse is very demanding and creates a lot of stress within you. You have headaches, stomach aches, back aches. You look forward to the time that he/she is away from you so that you can take a deep breath without feeling his constant criticisms and intrusions. You feel the picking away at your self confidence. There is no place to go to have a moment of peace. Some partners are super screamers and go off at a moment's notice. It's one thing to hear babies crying; it's quite another to hear and watch a grown man throwing himself around and yelling at the top of his lungs almost every day or evening. Anything will set him off. Remember the narcissist is always enraged. It takes almost nothing to send these folks over the top and you into internal chaos.
You are the object of this daily stress that builds up day by day, year by year. You find that your body is tight, your digestion is effected and that you have trouble sleeping. You dread waking up to early morning tirades or late night blowups. 

Years of living with a narcissistic spouse can take a heavy toll on your physical health. Under these conditions you are constantly in a state of fight or flight--the sympathetic nervous system. Your adrenals become worn down and depleted and can go into adrenal exhaustion. Many spouse recipients of this abuse feel that they are to blame for this dreadful onslaught and it is their fault. That is not the case. You are married to a narcissistic personality, a serious character disorder that will not change. As long as you are with this person you will be the subject of continuous abuse.

Think about your physical, mental and psychological health and the value of your own life. You are not a possession of this person. You belong to yourself and deserve respect as a human being. Wake up to a sense of being entitled to some peace, comfort, your own unfiltered thoughts, creative ideas, quiet time uninterrupted. And always remember that your maintaining your physical health and strength is vital to you.
No one is allowed to make you feel sick---NO ONE!

Recognizing that they have been subject to narcissistic abuse that they do not deserve and will no longer tolerate, many spouses divorce the narcissistic husband or wife. This can be challenging but it well worth it. Many report back to me that they have felt secure, comfortable, without physical tension or pain for the first time in many years. They celebrate their freedom to be their original selves, to be spontaneous with those who appreciate them, to laugh out loud and feel joy, to show affection toward those they love without criticism, to express their feelings in freedom. You can change your life and restore your real self, the person who has been waiting to emerge and be re-born for many years. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

High Level Narcissists Cause Psychological Devastation

There are many remarkable human beings in our current society today. They can be hard to find since much of the country is captivated by high level narcissists who are often in positions of power and worldly influence. Unwittingly, many of us make the assumption that if a person is well educated and highly successful they are a great human being. This is not true.

There are people who have built their deserving success in the outside world and are looked up to by their colleagues, friends and family members and at the same time are fine individuals with tremendous character traits: honesty, compassion, humility, fairness, integrity. These are the gems in our society but gradually they are more difficult to find.

We have many high profile narcissists who are skilled at manipulating others into believing that they are great human beings as well as successful at their work. Often these people are very confident, appear to be personable, very attractive, present an impeccable image, advanced social skills and the ability to hold others in their thrall.

High profile narcissists have large entourages of people who adore them without question. Their very presence in the case of major entertainers in movies, television, music, drama creates swarms of adoring fans. The more power and influence they command the greater their sense of self entitlement and no limits attitude. The narcissist is dizzy with his ultimate sense of self importance. He/she is the object of adoration. "What's not to adore? they ask themselves; I deserve to be venerated!".

It is within families of high profile narcissists in particular that so much psychological damage is done. In the privacy of their homes, behind closed doors that the children and spouses and ex-spouses of these Uber-Narcisssists suffer the greatest psychological damage. It is within these rooms and compounds the their victims are treated abominably. Children of narcissists are threatened, taunted, physically beaten, humiliated, constantly screamed at, vilified, told they are crazy. You name it, the narcissist has perpetrated severe levels of abuse upon those closest to him. They use cruel methods to turn one child against another, especially when the narcissist has one child who is chosen to be his perfect clone. His other kids are compared to this Golden Boy or Golden Girl and accused of not being good enough. Growing up this way, they develop a poor self image, feelings of guilt, deep inferiority and self humiliation. They blame themselves for not being "Perfect" like their narcissistic mother or father.

Those who have grown up with a narcissistic parent can heal. I have seen this happen through their courage, research and hard work to rediscover themselves, to grieve over the parent they never had, to re-awaken their unique gifts and to understand, feel and know that they are loving human beings. Some of the loveliest individuals I have known are children of narcissistic parents. You will heal and restore your life. You deserve it. The time to begin is now. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com




Saturday, January 12, 2013

I Will Lead My Life Not the Narcissist's

We are separate individuals, so unique and precious---Our genetic patterns, dispositions, crinkling of our noses, infectious humor, our special hugs, deep thought, creative excursions--and millions of other workings inside of us and outside will never be repeated again. Our time on the earth is given to us. We didn't ask to be here. And sometimes we wonder why we are, especially when our lives become very tough and seem impossible. This can be the case if we are involved with a narcissistic personality in a marriage, divorce, the child of a narcissistic mother or father, or a narcissistic sibling.

Narcissists cannot have relationships. They are experts at using others, manipulating them, seducing them, exploiting them and in the end, discarding them. If you have been the object of narcissistic abuse, determine that you will put this behind you. You have researched this severe personality disorder. You know that this person cannot and will not change.  He is getting all of his needs met by diminishing the lives of those closest to him.

If you were raised in a family where you always felt less then it makes sense that you would not feel worthy or entitled. That is probably why many women and men are fooled by the charm and magnetism of the narcissist who promises you everything.  Once you know who this person is, start to initiate your own plan to free yourself. From a practical point of view this can be challenging, especially if you unwittingly let him/her have charge of the finances. Nevertheless, remember that you are in charge of yourself and your reactions to this person. No one can possess you, think you thoughts, feel your feelings or be you.

Vow to lead your life your way. Value who you are and find a few people who appreciate you and can be trusted. Work to get physically strong by routinely exercising. Exercise is a practice of strengthening and freedom. It requires some discipline but becomes an essential part of our lives. We are in charge of ourselves. Learning is power. Give yourself all of the tools you need to understand the narcissistic personality in-depth. I have written over 900 blog posts on this subject.

Gather hope inside from your knowledge. Take time each day, even a few minutes, to check in with yourself. Take a few deep breaths in and out through the nostrils and you will feel the relaxation start to flow. Learn to enjoy your own company. Activate the creative part of yourself in whatever form it takes. There is no judgmentalness here, only freedom and the excitement of discovery. You are growing, living, thriving within yourself. The original self is getting stronger each day. Look inside and smile. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, January 11, 2013

Narcissists Don't Stop Tryiing to Destroy Others

Narcissistic personalities have no psychological brakes. They have no sense of limits. If they want something and are compelled to go after it, they will pursue their goal even if it disrupts entire families, marriages, children, in-laws, etc. Narcissists are ego-driven not conscience driven. They don't develop a full conscience. Their idea of right and wrong is based on whether they will get caught or not. When narcissists are crossed they become particularly vindictive and vengeful. If you are in the middle of a divorce they might call, text or email you 40 times a day or more to get your attention or to intimidate you.
They despise the happiness and peace of others. They are very restless people and determined to step over any number of "bodies" to reach their goal. If a male or female narcissist is sexually drawn to a married man or woman even if the spouse is their best friend, they will plunge into the liaison without blinking an eye. It is a thrill for them to have possession of this person whom they want with such passion. In the end they discard this person and move on to someone else.
Protect yourself from the narcissist by learning about them in detail and depth. Learn about your own vulnerabilities to them. Become so skilled that you can pick them out quickly no matter how attractive or irresistible they appear to be. You can become immune to these severely disordered individuals.
The narcissist is never going to change but you can and will. You will prevail by doing research, strengthening yourself psychologically and emotionally, paying close attention to your intuition and become more self entitled to a life of inner peace, the full use of your creativity and all of your other gifts. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife..com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, January 7, 2013

Courageous Individuals Are Great Gifts to Us

The past few years I have met some extraordinary individuals. When I speak of them I am not talking about those who won a Nobel Prize, are famous for being famous or rambling tongued geniuses displaying their  superiority. No, these came along quietly without portfolio or entourage. I have met and spoken with many who have been through horrendous suffering--years of physical, psychological and emotional pain of every sort imaginable. I have been awestruck by their endurance, equanimity, steadfastness and grit. I have listened to those who suffered so early and long. In return many have put themselves in the role of giving back through their many kindnesses and various forms of healing others. These lives have not been smooth or easy. Rather their roads have been bumpy, deeply rutted and in some cases overloaded with the steepest grades and endless switchbacks. I have seen and felt empathy in their smiling eyes and through their tears. Some have apologized for crying. I tell them not to hold back--that I understand that is what they must do--it is natural and necessary. The expression of deep emotions binds us to other people in a special way. We share our humanness: the individual tragedies, the fears that linger, the regrets, the remnants of self reprisal, poignant memories that stir throughout the body/mind.

Be open to those whom you feel a connection that is special and giving. Your intuition will lead the way. Trust this knowing. The grace of these encounters enriches our lives as evolving selves. We take these gifts with us as we encounter others and sprinkle their gentle magic on to another in an eternal chain of warmth, healing and beauty. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 
 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Focus on Your Self Renewal throughout the New Year

This is going to be your year for clearing out all remnants of narcissistic abuse from your life. Yes, you can do this. Narcissists eventually eclipse our lives in the most malicious ways. They take away our feelings of hope, creativity, spontaneity, sense of beauty, psychological strength and a grounded sense of self.

Make a determination that you know who the narcissist in your life is an was---a mother, father, sibling, current spouse, ex-spouse. This highly pathological person is never going to change so give up on that concept. You cannot get around these people. They are always overstepping our boundaries and insinuating themselves upon us. They are dictators who rule by intimidation and use a series of carrots and sticks to keep us in place. They know our emotional vulnerabilities, especially our fear of abandonment and lack of assertiveness to stand up for ourselves against their bullheadedness. 

Don't share your plan with the narcissist. Keep it quietly and safely protected in your own thoughts. There it will grow as you become stronger. Becoming physically stronger and healthier in whatever ways you can is very important. Eat the right foods and exercise in a way that makes sense for you. Take time to be by yourself whether that is reading a book, watching a special delightful video, going to a movie, writing a few sentences each day unedited. Feel yourself being transported by music as you enter a  world of  beauty that quiets the nervous system. If you like yoga do a few gentle poses each day to remain limber and strong. Doing poses breathing through the nose, you learn how to focus your attention in a quiet but powerful way. You also become familiar with living in your body and appreciating its design.

Conversations with friends either in person or on the phone can be very entertaining and informative. Texting is also a great source of playful distraction and respite.

Focus on studying what you love---regardless of the subject. I recently watched a lecture by the great physicist Richard Feynman and was blown away by his enthusiasm and love for learning. His joy was absolutely intoxicating. He had no limits to what he was seeking and wanting to learn. He is truly inspiring. After his death he lives on in the brightness of his eyes, his grin, his joy at being alive and his indomitable spirit and unlimited intellectual curiosity. Get in touch with these facets of yourself and appreciate what is inside of you--an endless source of creativity, fascination with learning and a thirst for experiencing beauty in every form. Pay attention to what speaks to you alone. You will get an answer from your intuition.

Be patient with yourself. After so many years with the narcissist(s) be kind and don't make self judgments. Give yourself time and space. Self renewal takes place at your pace. If you find yourself slipping, know that you will come back and continue along your new pathway. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, January 4, 2013

Healing From the Narcissist--Restarting Your Life

When you arrive at the truth about the narcissist who has taken so much from you---psychologically and emotionally--whether it is a mother, father, sibling or an entire family, you have come to a fork in the road of your life. The next steps follow the path of self healing. First, you are entitled to be whole and healthy and to live peacefully inside of yourself. You leave the constant fear, apprehension and dread behind and wonder to yourself: "What is is the next step?"  As you tune into your intuition the steps toward your new life will unfold. You realize that for years and decades you have wanted to pursue a creative path. This take innumerable forms: writing, sketching, journaling, gardening, photography, singing, journeys into Nature, dancing, yoga, tai chi, meditation in a form that appeals to you, walk, strolling. Everything is open to you now. It is helpful to write down what you love best. Don't worry about the order of things---just write and let your imagine go skipping along.  Be as open as you can without editing. 

Get into the habit of devoting some time each day in quiet and solitude, even for five minutes. This is your time. Practice self care for the first time since you have left the narcissist behind. Appreciate the beauty of moments--watching the sky, laughing with a baby, smiling at a stranger, savoring a delicious bite of your favorite food, bringing color into your life, dressing to please yourself, allowing yourself to rest when you are tired, slowing down your pace so that you are more aware of living each moment, laughing freely and openly, developing rituals which you enjoy. Slowly these actions will become habits and form the new fabric of your life. As you go along you will bring people into your life whom you can trust and with whom you can communicate. You decide who you want to be in your life. If it is not comfortable and easy, don't let that person in. You have already seen that picture show. Stop pleasing everyone if that has been your old mantra. Learn to appreciate your own company in a way that is appealing to you. Your restart has begun and you are moving forward with greater confidence in yourself, a sense of your creative gifts and an renewed openness to the dynamic flow of life.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Protect Your Psychological and Physical Health from Narcissistic Mother

From the time we are born narcissistic mothers pick away at us bit by bit. Some take the direct primitive route and slap us across the face and hit us whenever they feel the mood strike them. Others are more subtle and insidious, making small digs about our weaknesses and imperfections. This is especially painful if there is a golden boy or golden girl sibling in the household who is adored for simply existing.

The drip, drip drip of criticisms, humiliations and embarrassments is overwhelming. A young child subjected to this kind of abuse by a narcissistic mother has too much to bear. This child is filled with fear and apprehension--always in a state of suspended fright. "What is going to happen to me next?" "When is mother going to start screaming at me again and saying I am stupid and worthless?" "Will she shove and hit me again?"  These questions thunder through the child's nervous system and set up a pattern of fight or flight and resonates throughout the entire body. There is nowhere inside or outside to feel safe. Sometimes the other parent can be a source of comfort but often the narcissistic mother marries a man who thinks little of himself and whom she can completely control. Some siblings get very close and make an effort to protect themselves against mother's constant rages.

Those who have grown up in these highly chaotic and stressful family's often suffer from a variety of psychological and physical symptoms: headaches, stomach aches, free floating anxiety, anxiety attacks, emotional numbing, various depressive states, etc.

Recognizing that you mother is a narcissist and that  she has the psychopathology---not you-- is the beginning of severing a relationship with someone who has made your life miserable and frightening. She has worn you down and eclipsed your opportunities to grown as an individual with many unique gifts and to experience feelings of calmness, protection and emotional security.

As a child you were her prisoner. As an adult you now can make the decision to be free of her  now. Don't wait for her to change. That is never going to happen. When you leave this psychological gulag you will discover that your physical, mental and emotional energy increases and your creativity flourishes. The real self is always moving toward healing. We have to learn to be receptive to this process throughout our lives as we become whole and eventually feel our spontaneity grow, our humor blossom and our loving heart grow in warmth and compassion. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com