Friday, June 28, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Healing Your Beautiful Heart

Daughters of the ultimate mothers from Hell--narcissistic ones--suffer beyond measure. Often they were never wanted and early on the NM makes this very clear without subtlety. Her babies are set aside, left screaming themselves to sleep, whimpering until they are totally exhausted. Little children in these households are raised by their older siblings. Mother is unavailable in every way. She works a hundred hours a week and after work she is at the gym or off on a hot date. She doesn't think or worry about her kids as human beings. They only have value if she can extrude the living gold of their talents, good looks, intellectual smarts, etc.  If she lands a "great kid" that has it all, she fixates on this child as if he/she is a prince or princess. The other children are ignored, demeaned and criticized for not measuring up to her living treasure, the reflection of "her perfect self." As you grow--unloved, unprotected, lonely, fearful, waiting for the next verbally abuse ambush--you are always on edge, waiting for mother's next footfall.  Will she play "nice" tonight because she is "in love" (or "in lust") with a new man? Did she come back from a manic clothes buying frenzy, filled with gorgeous things that she will wear to make men salivate and women fulminate.

As the years pass the daughter of the narcissist is lonely. She may have a few friends but she realizes that she cannot tell them about her real life.  She makes up stories about her family that sound normal and will pass for true. These daughters are always in the survival zone, never knowing what NM's next mood swing will bring. Teen age daughters of NMs are often hated for their beauty.You are her mortal rival and she lets you know it in every way--from the cold, piercing, heart palpitating look of her steely eyes to the grimace mouth that says: "You disgust me. I despise you. Stay out of my sight."

When you leave this home of horror and wretchedness you are grateful that it is over with her. But often the most hurtful patterns of childhood with a NM are repeated in the partners we choose to marry. It is not that unusual for daughters to marry narcissistic husbands. After the passion has cooled and you are no longer being sought after and the glory of the wedding day has faded, you begin to experience the full force of the narcissistic spouse. He has turned into a psychological monster, a being whom you never recognized during the preliminaries and courtship---or were there inklings that you ignored? When you recognize that he is a narcissist and are done in by the constant verbal abuse and accompanying stress, you divorce him. This is painful but necessary.

You go your own way but there are lingering remnants of psychological pain impinging on your life. Some daughters discover that excellent psychotherapy helps them through the process of healing from the NM.
An essential part of your healing and wholeness is to heal your beautiful heart--that part of your original self that has always been with you since the beginning. This is your spirit embodied--your essence. There are a number of ways to to this. One is to learn how to take good care of yourself. Self care and self protection are not learned from daughters of narcissistic mothers because mother was completely pre-occupied with herself--totally self absorbed. You were a distant thought from her mind or the one whom she found ways to criticize because in many cases she was envious of you.

It is time for you to think about what is best for you as an individual. You deserve to live with deep inner peace, to be treated with respect and to be protected. Learning self protection is part of this process. When you meet others, check with your intuition and it will tell you if this person is genuine and empathic. Take care of your human needs: restorative sleep, healthy food, exercise, downtime for music, free writing and any other activities that you enjoy. Slowly you will become open and receptive to the flow of life itself. Listen to music that moves you. Music is profoundly healing. It moves through the body and mind and soul and soothes us in a way that cannot be reached through words alone. Be open with your imagination and come up with daily routines that
work for you. Allow yourself to think big where there are no boundaries to your creativity and expansiveness. The tendrils of joy appear, deepen, expand and grow. Tend to your garden of delight, imagination and fancy--it is yours and it is wonderful. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Sunday, June 23, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Practicing Self Care and Self Love

Growing up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother you didn't learn about self care or self love. It was not part of your emotional or psychological vocabulary from the beginning. You remember the constant anxiety and terror you felt with every step your NM took toward you. You recall her terrifying eyes as she stared you down. Some of these mothers use physical abuse as a way of indoctrinating their daughters; others use psychological verbal abuse, telling you from your first memories how ugly and stupid you were, that would never amount to anything, that mother would always win. Narcissistic mothers control by way of constant intimidation, criticisms and outrageous demands that cannot be fulfilled. Often these mothers have their spouses under their control.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have no respite. They are always in fight or flight mode--the sympathetic nervous system. They can never let down and relax because they don't know when NM will begin one of her cruel offensives. These non-mothers often pick a golden child and demand that the other children follow suit. They can never measure up because the system is rigged in favor of the NM and the golden child.

After the battles of growing up the daughter of the narcissistic mother is left with many wounds. She has difficulty with her sense of a solid identity. She feels guilty because she didn't meet her narcissistic mother's expectations (which were impossible). There will come a time when you become aware that your mother had a serious psychological problem. It may reveal itself after you have married and divorced a narcissist and realized that you have repeated with him what had made your upbringing so painful and impossible--your dreadful NM.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers deserve to learn and practice Self Care and Self Love. This is a part of our true natures. You are entitled to experience a sense of deep inner peace, to use your imagination spontaneously, to appreciate the magic of music and dance, to be able to sleep with peace and a sense of security, to have full use of your unlimited creativity, to express your affection and love for others which brings great joy, to find a spiritual path if that is what you are seeking in your life. 

Self care begins with thinking about how you want to lead your life. What is essential for you each day---Is it learning how to quiet your mind, to get exercise that keeps you physically and psychologically strong, to find friends that are truthseekers like you who support your new life, to seek knowledge that fascinates you, to write spontaneously what is in your inner self  and comes through you naturally, to spend time outdoors and breathe in the air, listen to the birds, watch the movement of the winds and the playing of the skies around you and any other activities that you can imagine. Part of your healing is learning to say "no" to people and events that you don't further your growth. As you make the practice of self care an integral part of your life you will begin to appreciate yourself more and finally you will know Self Love. You will think of the little child that survived the narcissistic mother, of her bravery borne of great suffering, of how often she cried, of the incredible way that she saved her precious self. You are holding her tenderly now. She will always be with you but now she is secure and safe and happy in your arms. I am deeply moved by and love these special daughters. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Are You Married to a Socialized Sociopath and Don't Know It

The sociopath is in unexpected ways smoother and more believable than the classic narcissist. All sociopaths are narcissistic. Not all sociopaths end up in prison or harm people physically. No, they are too clever for that.
They are so "good" at sizing you up and getting you to relinquish yourself to them, that it makes your head spin just thinking about it. Often they are in positions of great power--private and public. There are more sociopaths now in the society than the statistics indicate. That's because the high level ones don't get caught and they know exactly how to operate under the radar and to protect themselves at all times.

You know a socialized sociopath but very likely don't recognize him/her. Often successful and socially adept, these people are masters of knowing what you desire, need, want, must have. They are subtle taking your psychological temperature. They survey the environment like a red tailed hawk those they decide to possess. They know your moves, your attitudes, your fantasies, your reputation, yours successes, your weaknesses. They secretly investigate  your family history to determine if you are the right partner for them---the one who will benefit them the most.With meticulous calculation the meeting takes place. The sociopath makes a breathtaking opening move---unforgettable!

After the romance is in  full bloom and thrall, it doesn't take long to make plans for the wedding. You are his  biggest "get." You come from a prestigious family, have an excellent education, are attractive even beautiful and will present a perfect image as spouse to the sociopath.

Within a year or before the non narcissistic spouse feels twinges of regret and fear that she has made this marital choice. She is the recipient of constant criticisms, screaming fits, humiliations. There are clues that he is participating in unethical and illegal business practices. She suspects that he has a few women hidden away when she lies sleepless in bed not believing that he is working late into the night and early morning hours. but there is a part of her that keeps forcing herself to believe that he is loyal and still loves her. She makes millions of excuses for him, remembering the early days of their romance and his extraordinary promises he made. There is secrecy about bank accounts. When asked about their investments or money, he becomes surly and boils over with rage: " You don't trust me. How dare you?" "After everything I have given to you, you have the nerve to question my character." "You have some nerve." This is spoken with such forthrightness that the spouse in the dark wants to believe her spouse.

Finally the last trap door opens; the reveal occurs; the horror is exposed in this "heart of darkness."  Now you know whom you have married---A user, an exploiter, a destroyer, a dissembler, a socialized sociopath.

Save yourself and know that you are worth it. As you proceed give no warning--not a hint. Outwit this socialized criminal, this dark being in human form. Make meticulous plans, get out and get back to yourself. You have begun your next incarnation----Feel the joy running through your body/mind. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Sunday, June 16, 2013

Gifted Covert Narcissists Fool Most People--Even Therapists

I have become more aware of the dark gifts of  covert narcissists. Their act is so smooth that it deceives most of us, even highly trained therapists, psychiatrists, custody judges, social workers, domestic law attorneys and the list goes on. Don't be surprised if you have been compromised by the gifted covert narcissistic man or woman who makes you believe that he or she is genuine and deeply cares about you and wants you in his/her life. His words and manner are so convincing---the eyes sparkle and hold yours. The words glide  perfectly out of his mouth. He knows exactly how to move toward you, give you the look that you cannot resist and dare you to say "no.". Most of us can't. We are taken, hooked, goners, filled with desire from head to toe. Our frontal lobes are temporarily out of commission. That's the initial power of the presence of  these clever seducers. They strike us as genuine with enough vulnerability to be convincing. The false self of the covert narcissist charmer type is exquisitely honed like a fine piece of ancient 22 karat gold jewelry.

This type of covert narcissist is oozing with charm--the kind that gets under our skin and won't go away easily. These guys learned to be unforgettable long ago. Many CN men are golden boys of mothers who worshiped them. They were prized from the moment of conception, celebrated at birth, treated like princes, adored for their handsomeness, precociousness (which was emphasized and rewarded by mother), kept the center of attention despite other children in the family who were treated like afterthoughts. Early on these gifted coverts-- male and female-- knew there was nothing they could not achieve and no one whom they couldn't seduce--intellectually, psychologically, sexually. 

These are ways to help yourself make the discrimination between the covert narcissist and the genuine article:

If everything about this person is too good to be true--too perfect---Pay Attention . Very Likely It Is.!

Listen to your intuition and the messages that are pouring into you. You will hear warnings. They may be faint at first but if you are tuned in, the messages become clearer and stronger--Stay Away!

Give yourself credit for knowing exactly what another person wants from you. The narcissist always has something in mind. He doesn't give himself for free. There are big strings and conditions attached to what he is "promising." Listen to the music not just the words which make your mouth water.

At some point he gives himself away. You will notice that when you add it up, he is emotionally distant. He is skilled at going through the motions of intimacy but cannot fully participate in closeness, deep caring, genuine empathy and commitment. His attention span for going the long haul with someone is short. You notice the restlessness now--the need to flee a situation that could become psychologically very close.

Be kind to yourself if you have fallen for one of these gifted deceivers and manipulators. There will be a next time--there are so many covert narcissists to whom you will say "No" at the outset. 

Celebrate your authenticity, warm humanity, deep commitment to those whom you love. Loyal to the core--you go the distance for those whom you hold dear. This  is your greatness and your joy. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Thursday, June 13, 2013

Strong Voice of Intuition Protects You from Narcissistic Parents

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic parent(s) you have already been through a series of hells throughout
your life. It starts very early when you were emotionally cast aside because you did not fit the image that your narcissistic mother or father demanded for you to be acceptable to them. Never mind that you were their child--shared their DNA, the familial heritage. All of this goes down the drain when narcissistic parents pull out the wounding devices of multiple cruelties. Were you given the essentials---Food, clothing, shelter, books, etc. or were your mom and dad so oblivious and self absorbed that you had to scrape for yourself. Did you hide and sneak food from the refrigerator at night when narcissistic mom and dad were in bed? Did you beg to have an old skirt that your friend cast off because your clothing was becoming so thin, breaking at the seams and much too small that the kids at school ridiculed you behind your back? Were you left hungry at night and during the long days alone in the house because Narcissistic Mother was too busy shopping for fancy clothes and shoes and underwear and external trappings of her perfect false self? Was mom embarrassed for her friends to see you or did she dress you up for public consumption as part of her
"good mother image". What other nightmares did you endure? Did dad and mom stick together to make you always wrong? Did mom and dad leave you alone so older brother golden child could terrorize you and have his sadistic friends join in?

Narcissistic mothers and fathers show no mercy, no compassion, no heart.  They are made of stone---inside inert and incapable of feelings, except for their destructive rage that made your ears ring. You remember the violent sound still as if it is happening right now.

When you were very young and growing up, you were imprisoned by these narcissistic parents--trapped with nowhere to go. You simply had to endure and you did. That is remarkable! Give yourself credit. One of the ways you achieved this is through the use of your intuition----that always told you the truth. It at times warned you that narcissistic mom and/or dad was in a horrible mood and that you better go underground---find a place in the house where you could hide--the cellar,basement, a closet corner in your room.

 As an adult you may still be recovering from these parents. It is not unusual given the abuse and deprivation that are part of your personal history. Now more than ever and as I say often for the rest of your life, summon up receptivity to your intuition. It is the key to knowing the truth, the opening that we need to continue to evolve and become more of ourselves and to heal---you are entitled to total healing of body, mind, psyche and spirit. Your intuition will lead you. Keep faith with you. Intuition and faith work in tandem. They are forces of light that you can call upon at any time. Intuition becomes a strong voice the more that you use it. Intuition is graceful, immediate--it takes no effort--it works with ease. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Struggling to Get Back What You Never Had

Dreams of having a loving mother linger in the mind and heart--especially inside of those who never had one and have not come to terms that their mother who is a narcissistic personality. Some daughters spend decades making herculean efforts to gain the attention, affection, approval, respect and love of their mothers. The narcissistic mother is incapable of genuine love. In public with her daughter, she appears to be caring, even doting. Photographs of the two of them are taken to prove her devotion. The narcissistic mother is the best PR representative for her image as a great devoted mother. Friends and relatives of these mothers would never guess that this woman is as cold as a frozen mummy buried in deep snow. These women are psychologically inert inside, empty, rage filled and self loathing. The narcissist is unaware of the bleak inner landscape which he/she inhabits. On the outside the narcissistic mother can be highly accomplished professionally and socially. Other mothers look up to her as an example of a woman who can do it all. The opposite is true. Narcissistic mothers are non-mothers. They imprison their daughters psychologically and emotionally, limiting their chances of being authentic, using their gifts and talents, feeling the joy of the moment--just being themselves.

It is painful but true for these daughters who have suffered so much to realize that they cannot conjure up, work hard at or hope for a mother who never existed from the beginning. Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed rigid disorder that is not inclined to make any adaptations or innovations in character. The woman that "raised" you is the person who is be abusive, abrasive, divisive perfidious, dismissive, self absorbed, rude and emotionally cold.

At some point you can make another effort at accommodation with your NM. This is entering a rocky road filled with emotional agony-- pain you have experienced all of your life. Is it worth another effort?. How many more times will you marshal the psychological energy to try one more time to get love from a mother who is incapable of giving it? Now you say: Not this time, Not again. It is done.

Working through the grief of not having a loving mother is a tough order. Pretending that your mother is not narcissistic is self defeating and continues to limit your life and your being. This is a battle that you can win by recognizing that your narcissistic mother will not change. She is not coming to seek your affection or beg for forgiveness.

Take the steps necessary to sever yourself from this place of sorrow and pain. Do the work of mourning for a mother you never had. You are courageous. Give yourself credit. This is very difficult but necessary. Some daughters seek professional help. Make sure that if you do, the therapist you turn to is not a narcissist but a highly empathic trained devoted professional who is watching out for you and the renewal of your life as a separate whole person. Gather around you those who deeply appreciate your true nature, who respect your individuality, who celebrate your gifts. Be patient with yourself throughout this process. There will be travail and missteps. That is a natural part of the healing process. As you come through into your own, you will feel the dynamic energy and creativity and bursts of spontaneity that are now running freely through you. Embrace the healing process and be proud of this great evolution of the self.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Heal from Narcissistic Sibling--Bane of Your Existence

Narcissistic siblings curse our lives if we don't make a decision to deal with them and become self entitled to lead our own lives. Since babyhood you had a narcissistic sister or brother who hated you from the beginning. She taunted you in your crib. She pinched your little arms and laughed as you screamed in terror and pain. Susie (let's call her) made sure that neither parent was there when the torture began. In some cases the mother was narcissistic and allowed the narcissistic sibling to cause you physical pain and emotional trauma. The golden boy or girl had the run of the house---no rules for this child--no boundaries, no manners or consideration of others. Under this roof the narcissistic child is cruel to his/her siblings and gets away with it.

The sibling victimized by the narcissistic brother or sister becomes hyper vigilant to every movement, gesture, sound, smell or cue in the environment when his enemy is near. If the mother is narcissistic she encourages this dreadful abuse by always coming to the defense of her cruel hateful narcissistic child. Fathers in some instances are chosen by narcissistic women for their psychological weakness. They disappear into their work and are totally unavailable for protection or psychological support. Others are non-fathers and act like small children themselves, controlled by the overwhelming mother.

When you are an adult, the narcissistic sibling still attempts to make your life miserable. Whenever you see this person, he or she is critical, sarcastic, petty and vindictive. An opening gambit could be: "Well, what are you doing with your life? You squirm inside and don't know how to answer because regardless of what you say, you will be criticized and demeaned. Then the narcissistic siblings goes through litanies of his/her accomplishments, career triumphs, investments that turned into goldmines, gorgeous perfect children and wonderful spouses, descriptions of an idyllic life that says:" I have arrived. I am so successful no one can surpass me." "This stupid sibling is a waste of my time..... He/she is only good for making comparisons about my superiority and brilliance."

Exit this role--you don't deserve this kind of treatment or to  live with these painful memories and other insulting occasions to come. You cannot change your narcissistic sibling. The meanness will not stop; the horrible competitive attitude to wipe you out at all costs will persist. Make the break--sever the relationship. 

You can and will heal from the perpetual abuse of this narcissistic sibling. You will be surprised at how much lighter you feel emotionally and psychologically. You will grab the reins of your own life. If other family members are confused by your decision, it is none of their business. You don't need to make explanations. This is between the old you that had to survive and put up with this dreadful treatment and the authentic self, the one you were always meant to be. Embrace your creative gifts. Develop and nurture relationships with individuals who appreciate your authenticity and spontaneity. You are looking straight ahead now, riding the winds of freedom.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Friday, June 7, 2013

Resist Temptation to Stay Married to Narcissistic Spouse

The narcissistic personality is well known, especially in today's society. Narcissists are among the most successful individuals professionally at present. They are continuously rewarded monetarily and given prestige and honor because of their outrageous self confidence, their intellectual and professional gifts, the access to power that they hold and their monetary worth.

Those who are married to narcissists find themselves in a sticky dilemma. They have spent years of misery with this partner who is highly critical, even sadistic, cold, duplicitous, controlling and completely lacks empathy.

Some of those on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse comment that their narcissistic spouses had his/her good moments. You can't build a daily life on waiting for  your spouse to be in a transient good mood one minute and wiping you off the floor with  his incorrigible rage and meaningless promises that automatically fly out of his mouth.Some many women and men keep thinking that they can change this person. They just have to try harder, come up with a more creative plan, become more understanding and patient, etc. etc. You are not going to change a narcissistic personality. You can change yourself and continue to grow and evolve. Staying with a narcissistic personality makes it more difficult for you to do this because of the psychological and emotional burdens and stresses that come along with marriage to a narcissist.

Pay attention to your own needs. Many spouses are always thinking about their narcissistic partner, blaming themselves for his fits of rage and dreadful criticisms and humiliations.

Make a 180 degree turn in your self perception and become entitled to be treated with the respect that you deserve. Learn to take good care of yourself and know that you deserve it. Many spouses of narcissists never learned about self care because as children they were always under siege or not wanted or verbally abused, or running from a enraged fist or open hand, or hiding from the gut wrenching screams of a narcissistic parent who would do them harm. Many partners were traumatized as children and unwanted and never learned that they deserved to be well treated ,  to have down time, to relax and feel content, to be creative and let your imagination fly and float, to be playful and laugh, to sing songs that you make up as you go along, to dance freely, to jump on your bed, to be silly any time of the day or night and a thousand days and nights of lovely moments that you will create with yourself and then find friends who will share this joy with you.

You can make this change. I know so many who have gone down the road of individuation to the beginning of a new life. They tell me about their freedom and the hope that they carry in their hearts and the dreams that they are going to fulfill.  You can sever this dysfunctional toxic relationship with your narcissistic spouse. Pay close attention to your intuition. Gather those you trust around you. Listen to the words and music of your true self calling you to enter this new life pathway. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com