Tuesday, August 27, 2013

You Survived a Narcissistic Mother---Be Kind to Yourself

I hear from daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers who went through hell and back as children of narcissistic mothers. They psychologically discarded their kids except when it came to harsh torturous punishments. As adults they remember their mother's screams thundering through the house:"I never wanted you." "You are a piece of trash." "I wish I had aborted you." "You are to blame for every bad thing that ever happened to me." "You make my life miserable every day." When children are very little, some narcissistic mothers tell their children that because they are so bad, they are going to send them away. There is never an explanation to the child of what that means but it strikes terror in the heart of the child that lingers as a morbid threat.

The father in these family constellations is often very weak and terrified himself of his spouse. He becomes a workaholic and in some cases an alcoholic. He is completely unavailable to his children emotionally. Some fathers disappear and leave the home early in their childrens' lives. They are irresponsible and infantile and flee the scene without ceremony.

Moment to moment these children are living in what can be described as a prison. Their nervous systems are constantly jarred by the NM's demands and intimidations. Some children learn to tune out mother and they become numb to their own feelings. Others are in a constant state of fear, always waiting for the next catastrophe to arrive. Some children leave the home early and find relatives or friends who will take them in. And others stay in NM's gulag for the sentence of their childhood and teenage years. Some kids act out through alcohol and drugs and sexual escapades to numb the pain and take them temporarily out of their living nightmare. This is self destructive but not surprising.

As older teenagers and young adults these abuse victims leave the home from hell and make efforts to forge their own lives. Some of these children pick themselves up and move forward with their education and careers. On the surface some are successful but inside they carry the painful imprint of their time in the house of desolation with the narcissistic mother. Others have a difficult time functioning in the outside world. Some adult children repeat the childhood pattern by marrying narcissistic spouses who psychologically incarcerate them.

Blame and shame are often the legacies of having a narcissistic mother as well as residual feelings of anxiety and depression. First---don't blame yourself. You didn't ask to be born to a narcissistic mother. It happened and it is horrible but don't take this upon yourself. Focus your attention on a deep appreciation of who you really are and that you did everything to survive and achieved something great and very difficult.  Learn to be kind to yourself. This begins with self care. Acknowledge the wonderful unique person you are. Take time with the basics---good sleep, healthy eating, exercise in a form that works for you. Give yourself time each day to be quiet and uninterrupted where you can meditate, do basic yoga poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the nervous system. Writing what you are feeling and thinking privately offers many a source of freedom. Listening to music and allowing its beauty to become internalized inside is a source of healing. Gardening and being in Nature is a great healer. For many, having a dog or cat as a loving companion is just right for them. Some adult children find that excellent psychotherapy can help them work through many of the residual issues. If you decide psychotherapy is a possibility, I recommend that you interview several of them. I have found that there are fine therapists but there are others who are narcissistic and out for the money motive and making you dependent on them for that purpose.

Use your creative gifts--You have them. Be receptive to knowing what they are. Above all, use your intuition all of the time. It tells us the truth and is a companion throughout every moment of our lives.

I hold a special place in my heart for children of narcissistic mothers. I stand with you always. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Narcissistic Sociopathic Parents Want You to Remain Their Psychological Slaves

You are a slave to no one. As an adult now you either know this. If you do not, tell yourself this every day, during the day. You are a unique human being--love this person who is inside of you, this small child you have known all of your life. Many of us need to take time to hold our babies and whisper "I love you" to them.

In infancy and childhood and through the teen years those who grew up with narcissistic sociopaths were often treated horridly. You were at the disposal of your narcissistic sociopathic parent. The other --mother or father--was too weak, terrified, traumatized to protect you against this monstrous person who ruled the household.

In grammar school you were in stark fear as you counted the steps as you got closer to the front door of your house. Your heart rhythms beat like wild drums. Your mouth was dry. You wanted to scream but knew you dared not. He or she might hear you and the horrible drama already in progress would become more Hitchcockian. You may have asked yourself: Am I going to die tonight?" In the house you walked as quietly as possible, trying to be invisible and unheard as long as possible. Finally, the moment came when you faced the person who terrorized you the most. At night in bed you waited and heard every sound, every creak and murmur, always hoping that the beast downstairs would remain in his chair. (I use the pronoun he to represents male and female narcissistic sociopaths).

You survived that house of terror, desecration and desolation. You are the one who did it through each moment, day, months and years. That deserves our deepest respect. 

The narcissistic sociopathic parent is internalized in many of his/her children. The child feels at the mercy of these cruel and unpredictable individuals. Due to this fusion, some children feel like slaves even after they have physically left their homes. Working with the aftermath of growing up with a narcissistic sociopath parent often involves participating in skilled psychotherapy. Others use various healing modalities like gentle hatha yoga, varying forms of meditation, creative pursuits, support groups and friendships.

As you heal you learn that you belong to yourself, that your are genuine and precious. There is and never will be anyone like you on the face of the earth ever again. Let this truth sink deep inside of you. You will find your way along the path to freedom. You will fly like a great bird. I can hear your wings soaring higher and higher into the blue.Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Covert Narcissistic Sibling--Playing the Meek Card

Your covert narcissistic sibling never was a standout in the family. He/she didn't speak much, had little affect and appeared to be meek--those qualities of being patient, mild, humble, submissive.  This is how other people in your family and circle of friends and acquaintances view this person. I have seen these sibling constellations and it is very difficult to imagine that this person who appears to be transparently harmless could be so psychologically damaging to others, especially his/her family members.

Covert narcissistic siblings can tear a family apart, pitting one sibling against the other and vying for influence and specialness with the parents. The covert narcissist, unlike his grandiose, magnetic, larger than life brother or sister narcissist, this concealed type is very slippery and difficult to detect. Often he or she becomes the child and later the adult who is needy and at the same time, gives preferential treatment to mom or dad to get whatever he wants. The covert narcissist has a gift for making others feel sorry for him. He prays on the mercy of others and misuses and distorts the true reality.

Covert narcissists are gifted at inducing guilt in their siblings. Since they are so holy and long suffering they feel entitled to make their brothers and sister feel guilty because they are not thinking of the welfare of others every moment. They emphasize in stoic toned words that they are self sacrificing, that their pain is not inordinate and wonder why the other sibling is complaining so much. She must be spoiled--that's the reason. "You must be grateful for what you have. Think about others; I do--all of the time. You are so self absorbed I wonder whether you are a real member of this family."This kind of projective drivel works for the covert narcissist and can be very impressive with her/his parents and other siblings. The child who is the object of this malicious scorn becomes an outcast.

If you were forced to play this painful role in your family, I am deeply sorry about all that you have suffered. You were trying to survive and you did. As you heal, remember that you had no choice. Now you do. Look deep within to that small child who is needing your warm support and approval to be your real self. You have always been the authentic one throughout your entire life. I marvel at your courage. Time to fully come into your own and know that you deserve to stand tall with hands in triumph reaching for the skies.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life has just been published in paperback August 15
Available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Wide distribution

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Not a Narcissist--He/She is a Sociopath

You don't have to purposely cause physical harm to another human being to be a sociopath. No,  a person can do it the "clean" way by taking your life apart, piece by piece. This includes the final cruelty of leaving you psychologically broken and financially ruined. I have heard too many of these life stories and it is vital that we understand how this happens and to reach out to those who have been left behind with unbearable traumas and sorrows that wound the heart. I know of sociopaths who took their own children away from a loving mother just for revenge. They didn't love these kids---they are incapable of love by definition. They are vengeful and yes, evil.

I don't care how successful they are, how beautiful, compelling, irresistible---don't fall for the false gods of outward perfection and the quiet shrug you are tempted to give them ---a big pass--pretending you don't know intuitively that these people are, as they used to say---No Good!

Sociopaths tempt us to go over the line. They know how to appeal to our greed, salaciousness, emotional and psychological deprivations. With no scintilla of insight, they know exactly how and where to touch our weak spots and get us to collude with them. Ultimately, they want us to hand over our lives and our souls to them. They are counting on it and know it will become a reality. They  have played this winning game so many times it is the air they breathe.

All sociopaths are narcissists. They have no conscience, no empathy, no mercy. Sometimes there are exceptions in their behavior but this is rare.

If you are married to a sociopath and finally out of denial and psychologically awake, decide what moves you will make without letting him/her know the plan you have in mind to end this non-marriage. Work with your inner self by learning to quiet your mind through meditation in a form that works for you. Call on those you trust--it can be one person-- to help you get through the process of leaving this nightmare. Call upon your strength, determination and perseverance that have been left fallow. Summon them now. Seek your intuition all of the time. Listen closely to its messages. It is always telling your the truth and how to proceed. Be receptive and you will perceive this great gift you were given. Your path is waiting for you and calling your name. Even when the wind is blowing a gale--it is speaking calmly and clearly--"Come back to your real self." Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissist in your life.com

This book is now out in paperback - Today--August 15 2013. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Celebrate! You've Been Dumped by a Narcissist before It Got Serious

This may sound like tough talk but I have known too many victims of narcissists who married them not just once but two or three times. The psychological and emotional pain of enduring years and decades of verbal abuse, cold manipulations, treacheries, chronic lying, hidden agendas and the constant whiplash of living with a narcissist is astounding. It brings their victims to their knees and leaves some crawling. If you are going with a man or woman whom you suspect is a narcissist and this person has decided to show you the door, give you the cold shoulder, place you in the background of his/her life or simply give you the heave ho--it will smart at first but then remember it is a necessary blessing. If your intuition has been telling your for months that this person whom you are planning to marry has a serious personality issue you can't put your head around but feel deep in your bones, listen up! You are getting the warning loud and clear, that this individual may likely be a narcissistic personality disorder. Listen to the music of his self absorption, obsession with his looks, over-love of money and status, inability to listen to you and honor your feelings, his authoritarian ways, his inappropriate forcefulness to get what he/she wants. Intuition always tells us the truth. When he or she shows you the door or if you beat the narcissist to it, run out into the clear blue sky of evening and kiss the stars. You are free!!!Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, August 12, 2013

Narcissists Have Patience for No One--Spouses in Particular

Once you know that your husband or wife is a narcissist, you put the smaller pieces of this complex psychological puzzle together and they mesh. Long ago you had  intuitions that this person had serious issues but like all of us, you used the immediate mind eraser and "forgot" about it. No one wants to face the possible break up of a marriage, especially if we have loved this person deeply. So we go along the denial road which can have an upside we tell ourselves. He/she had good days when everything seemed peaceful and working. This temporary state of grace never lasted. The fits of rage begin anew, the lies resume (as if they never stopped), the deceit deepens, the false masks become more elaborate.

As a spouse you are living on the inside of the narcissist's life. You are the private audience. The performance has no editing, especially the most ugly and treacherous parts of the the play. The friends, other family members, professional associates are treated to the public image---the one he or she has been perfecting all of his life--beginning in childhood.

Fix your gaze on the physical facade. It is impeccable--every hair, segment of skin, body curve, flash of teeth, eyelash, brow arch, clothing fabric drape is perfection. The social and professional gestures of confidence, decorum, hints of pseudo empathy are top selling points. The scent of money and success are noticed but not too showy, just enough. If you are on the receiving end of this public appearance, it can be very impressive. Always remember that this narcissistic person has a five star first class act.

Narcissists are restlessly delusional. Their schedules are exceedingly tight. It is difficult to be fit in. They lack patience, especially for those closest to them--their spouses. Inside of your home, all Hell and beyond takes place. You are continually harangued, criticized for the smallest illegitimate reasons.  When you succeed they scream about your faults and imperfections. They are furious when you shine. With the narcissistic spouse you have very little mental breathing space. From their perspective you are their possession.

When you recognize that your spouse is a narcissistic personality disorder, it is disarming for many, expected for others. Can you make the decision to sever the marriage? This is up to you. The NPD does not change. Often they will not negotiate in the divorce process unless they are trying to find a way to get you out of their lives quickly. What they offer you is often a pittance. Find an excellent attorney who specializes in family law and who understands this kind of personality, is unflappable psychologically, will be completely loyal to you and available and is fair about fees. Learn to practice a routine of self care during this time and for the rest of your life. You can win back your life.  It has been waiting for you; it is calling you to a new destiny and adventure, a time of creativity, hope, spontaneity and self expression of your deepest feelings and their reciprocation. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Martyred Married Narcissist--Spinning Tales of Woe that You Caused

Narcissists play many roles. When you have them caught in a divorce hold favorable to you, they switch to the part of martyr. Suddenly, trapped with the reality that he/she has to split the assets, the narcissist feels the hot breath of the wolf at his heels. He shudders inside. Maybe this time he will not be able to run the table on you the way he has throughout your marriage. What to do? Play the victim. What else? He is such  a fine method actor who slips into any part with ease and satisfaction.

Some spouses become alarmed when their narcissistic partner of many years suddenly appears docile and weak. He moans and mopes around you, making noises that you haven't heard before. You start to feel sorry for him---but you have done your homework and pull back. "Wait a minute, this is a new act he is trotting out and I'm not buying it."

The martyred narcissist tells everyone in reach how you have made his/her life, hell on earth. You have pressured him, caused him emotional distress with your unrelenting demands. You talk behind his back and tell lies about his fine character. You are cruel to his (narcissistic) mother who adores him. These mutterings  are bald lies. Turn all of this around and you know this is exactly what he has done to you. He is spinning tales faster than the leaders on the final round of the Tour De France.

Despite all of the drama you are going to win. You are well prepared and ready to end this horrid excuse for a marriage. With all of your documentation, an excellent attorney, the company of trusted support, you are ready to sever this non-relationship. You imagine sweet freedom each day as you move toward your goal. No one can ever fool you again. Be proud of yourself. It's time to shine the light of your creative gifts, to feel your sails billowing as you move forward with ease and inner peace. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, August 5, 2013

Narcissists--Can't Stop Talking About Their Superiority

A short time ago I was strongly reminded of the narcissist's persistent adoration of self. This occurred after a meeting I attended. The narcissist of the moment came over to a small group of us and started talking about himself in grandiose terms and gestures, giddily swirling with his greatness. I had a strong urge to leave since I could feel the deluge coming but said to myself:  "I want to see how far this fellow will go. Will he ever stop talking about how superior and wonderful he is." I and the clutch of those within his range were "treated" to an "I adore myself" soliloquy without periods, colons, semicolons or even a tiny comma. This was like a manic sales pitch with him and his innumerable accomplishments as the product. This grandiose classic narcissist presented a detailed professional history with extravagant hand gestures and body postures. He was mesmerized by his presence alone.

Every avenue this man went down led to his street of dreams that all came true due to his brilliance and perfection. (I applaud those who through their efforts and talents experience professional success.) I am speaking about the narcissistic personality disorder's constant hunger for narcissistic supplies, his inability to listen to anyone else, his manic high on himself/herself as the ego soars to mythic elevations. Psychologically fueled by his delusional sense of self, this fellow traveled out of the earth's orbit beyond gravity.

Finally, I made a movement toward the door and the spell was broken as others began to leave.
Beneath the surface of this unabashed display of adoration of self, is the broken damaged real self. On other occasions I have witnessed this narcissist's primitive unconscious projections, perpetrated on unsuspecting others. In these instances this narcissist's veneer had thinned and his unconscious feelings of self hatred and subjective emptiness were ejected on to innocent unsuspecting recipients.

Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. This knowledge will be your guide to recognizing these individuals quickly and protecting yourself from their endless self adoring litanies. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com




Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life will be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Narcissistic Spouses Discard You When You Need Them the Most

Narcissists are essentially solo acts. They are incapable of forming genuine relationships, especially their spouses and children. Narcissists are duplicitous. They have many secret agendas. They compartmentalize their lives skillfully and without conscience.

After you have been married to a narcissist for a while you realize that this man or woman is not the person you met and with whom you feel in love. He switches quickly from one mood to another, almost as if he/she is changing personalities. Even when he is getting everything he wants--praise, success, adulation, prestige, etc. he will suddenly turn on his spouse. He is projecting and spewing his unconscious self loathing and psychological emptiness on to you. Spouses on the receiving end of these assaults often learn to ignore and rationalized these cruel behaviors. "Oh, he's going through a tough time right now." "He puts too much pressure on himself/herself." Actually the narcissist applies full pressure and intimidation to everyone else. He moves in the fast lane of life, often weaving through the traffic, jeopardizing others. Since he doesn't have a conscience, this doesn't bother him in the least. He/she only knows that winning is everything.

After the marriage has turned stale---and this can happen quickly with narcissists since they have very short attention spans for spouses--the narcissist needs to figure out exactly what he is going to do with you. If you have become psychologically, emotionally or physically ill, the narcissist leaves you in the dust. I have heard stories of women in labor who had to drive themselves to the hospital. Narcissists are pretend parents. They use their children as narcissistic supplies. They need to present the image of themselves as the "great parent."  This elaborate presentation fools most people who believe that the narcissist is a fine human beings, spouse and fine parent.

Narcissistic spouses are irritated and disgusted with spouses who are ill, have injuries or chronic physical problems. This cramps their style and doesn't suit their high flying energy. Besides, it's dreadful for their grandiose image. In many instances they find another partner and quickly plan to replace the spouse who has psychological or emotional problems or is going through a painful illness. Narcissists are without mercy or empathy. It is not part of their psychological makeup. After the divorce the spouse in great need and crisis is quickly abandoned like a piece of paper flying in an errant wind. Often there are no warnings that this individual is going to be abandoned and left without financial resources that have been purposely depleted by the narcissistic spouse. If there are children involved that don't fit the image that the narcissistic spouse requires, he or she abandons them as well, leaving them to fend for themselves.

Narcissists never look back at the horrendous pain they have caused---pain and suffering that completely disrupts and damages the lives of their own spouses and children. They never think about this again. They are not haunted by any memory of their cruelties. They sleep well at night and are still completely full of themselves as they change the stage set for a renewal of a fresh new life with another person. This is a travesty, a horrible true scenarios that is repeated over and over again by narcissists with impunity in this world. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com