tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39322132141159526832023-10-28T02:10:24.308-07:00blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.comlmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.comBlogger667125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-15328390616148653442014-06-06T09:38:00.002-07:002014-06-06T09:43:34.093-07:00Narcissists Take Your Life Away "The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone...All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive..." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).<br />
<br />
The narcissist's charm, the way he zeros in on you, appears to read your mind and knows exactly what you want and need is truly remarkable. Narcissists are gifted at the chase. Once they decide they want you in their lives it is very difficult to say "no". You have no idea what will happen to you down the road because you have been hypnotized by his charm, his focus on you, the way he makes you feel.<br />
<br />
There is the real narcissist beneath the irresistible facade--the highly developed false self. Eventually if you stay with a narcissist long enough----marry one, have children with them--you will encounter the dark side just beneath the surface. Here there is seething rage, criticisms that cut to the bone, demands that can never be met, humiliations that no one should ever endure, threats to take away your children and to ruin you financially. Yes, that is what is waiting beneath the seductive smile that promises you everything.<br />
<br />
(This post refers to male and female narcissists). <br />
<br />
Ultimately, staying with a narcissistic spouse means that you are eclipsing your life. Some spouses make this agreement and decide that they have gone down this road so far that they cannot turn back. The lifestyle is what attracts and sustains them. However, they become psychological prisoners of the narcissistic spouse.<br />
<br />
Your life is not your own even if you are able to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. He is always on your mind. There is no real solitude or peace. You deserve to lead your own life despite your marriage or partnership. One road to your freedom is to study the narcissistic personality in-depth. This will reveal a very different story and wake you up. You are entitled to use all of your creative gifts, to expand you individuality not contract to fit someone else's vision.lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-82740265616891184672014-05-31T17:31:00.001-07:002014-05-31T17:31:28.170-07:00Narcissistic Parents Sabotage Their ChildrenBy definition sabotage is a "treacherous action." Treachery when
perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It
is beyond ruthlessness.<br />
<br />
Growing up in a narcissistic family is
like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day.
The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly
remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival
techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends
to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video
games, drawing, writing, other creative activities. <br />
<br />
Some
children who have this experience are in a constant state of
anxiety--fight or flight syndrome.The narcissist--mother or father or
both rule the household. Screams and demands--slaps and threats can be
heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives
for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don't love their children. They
use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child
can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The
rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected or treated abysmally.
Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sacred flame,
to camouflage their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep
the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known
individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the
narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.<br />
<br />
Adult
children heal through a combination of pathways that they discover work
best for them as individuals. There is no one way, given the trauma
ridden childhoods that they sustain. Psychotherapy with highly empathic
trained psychotherapists is one aspect of this healing for some. Bring
the body/mind into balance is essential to this process. This takes many
forms including the practice of gentle yoga, meditation, support
groups, the re-awakening of your creativity, finding relationships of
trust and respect, learning to put yourself first and to practice self
love and self care. Learning how to received the affection that others
have for you is all part of this healing phase. Healing is a lifetime
process, an evolution of the self that takes as many forms as there are
individuals. lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-28754669492974062172014-05-29T12:48:00.004-07:002014-05-29T12:49:11.821-07:00Narcissistic Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Psychotherapists Prey on Desperate IndividualsI hear life stories of individuals who have suffered not only from
their psychological problems and emotional pain but in addition have
been harmed by narcissistic therapists of all kinds---psychologists,
psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, etc. There are dedicated, brilliant,
empathic professionals who help their clients and patients to heal.
These individuals go the extra mile always to be present both in the
office and on call for their patients. They help to change the lives of
their patients so that they can move forward to become their true selves
and to live freely with full use of their many gifts.<br />
<br />
I have had
the experience of "working" with several highly trained narcissistic
therapists whom I have personally seen. They did very little good and in
some instances--harm. They took my money without a hint of doubt and
kept me going to them as long as I met their need for narcissistic
supply. The longer I attended therapy sessions, the more money they
made to satisfy their greed motive. Fortunately, I learned to recognize
non-therapists and extricate myself from them. I want you to be able to
do the same and to find therapists who are doing the real work of
helping you heal.<br />
<br />
Narcissistic therapists are in very large supply
these days, just as they are in our population. The current society
rewards narcissists handsomely for many of the traits that make them
harmful to others: extreme self entitlement, ruthlessness, lack of
conscience and ethics, complete lack of empathy, winning at all costs at
the psychological peril of those closest to them, lack of genuine
emotional and psychological intimacy, deceitfulness, chronic incessant
lying.<br />
<br />
I am not talking about becoming successful as negative. It
is wonderful that people do well, use their gifts, move up in the world,
become educated, are creative at their work and are paid well.<br />
Narcissistic
therapists control patients who come to them often in a state of
emergency and desperation. They feel emotionally dependent. They are in
crisis. They have tried many ways to heal themselves before they knock
on the door of the narcissistic therapist. They are at the mercy of this
person with the credentials, the education and the clinical experience
that speaks of their qualifications to treat them. It doesn't matter how
great the credentials and training is if the individual you are seeing
is a narcissistic personality disorder. By definition this person is
incapable of genuine empathy which is essential to the healing process
in psychotherapy.<br />
<br />
Narcissistic therapists have a money motive.
Often their fees get higher and higher as the patient becomes more
desperate. Narcissistic greed is running their show.<br />
Pay attention to the signs of a narcissistic psychotherapist:<br />
1. Inability to listen carefully and take in what you are saying and how you are feeling.<br />
2.
A lack of empathy--the incapacity to experience what you are feeling
from your perspective. Some narcissistic therapists blame the patient
for his problems. Narcissistic therapists are bored with their patients.
You notice boredom particularly in the nonverbal behaviors of the
therapist (lack of eye contact, sleepiness, restlessness, inability to
be still and listen).<br />
3. Inordinate focus on fees and insisting on very large fees that are out of line with the professional services offered.<br />
4. Psychotherapists who project their unconscious venom on to their patients.<br />
5.
Psychotherapists who foster unnecessary dependence on patients to make
them come to additional sessions that will bring them more money.<br />
6.
Psychotherapists who talk about their private lives. You are paying
them to talk about themselves. That is completely unprofessional and a
red flag that this person is a narcissist.<br />
I hear from individuals
who are in the process of healing from narcissists in their lives. They
are doing the hard work each day of becoming the person and leading the
lives that they deserve. You are entitled to find and work with a
psychotherapist who is worthy of you. Remember you are in charge. You
decide after doing your research and interviewing who will work best
with you. And remember as well, that you do not have to stay with any
therapist. You can always terminate. You hired this person to help you
heal and you deserve the very best.<br />
<br />lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-40426399363182415092014-05-28T10:54:00.000-07:002014-05-28T10:59:35.447-07:00Children of Narcissists--Heal and EvolveWe are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal
gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal
deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother.
This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have
that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother is a
narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they
must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break
from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never
was.<br />
This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the
path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being---an invaluable
one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your
ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth
again--Your special imprint will never appear again past, present,
future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original
self--the person you were meant to be.<br />
Healing often begins with
grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are
infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs,
constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU
ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn't ask to be the child
of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the
"relationship" with this non mother. Other members of the family may
object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE
OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS --MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR
DECISION TO HEAL.<br />
Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself
cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through
this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy.
Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that
are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.<br />
There
are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with
emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and
contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are
available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without
editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your
creativity. If you draw and paint, do this--Start a healing art book.
Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit
for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood
circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of
narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am
honored by their presence in the world.<br />
Keep evolving--there are no limits---keep loving--Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.<br />
You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world. lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-12485052925818685002014-05-17T22:33:00.000-07:002014-05-19T17:15:04.017-07:00Shameless Narcissists Project Shame on Their SpousesShame is a complex intolerable feeling of being exposed, wanting to
disappear, emotional vulnerability, feeling inferior and worthless. Each
person feels shame in his or her own way. A child who feels shame has
been shamed by parent(s) siblings or other family members. Shaming a
child is a way of controlling them--making them feel small and
helpless.Chronic shaming abuse leaves a painful imprint on the psyche..<br />
Narcissists
are shameless. They have no sense of limits or consideration for
others. Narcissists lie shamelessly, attempt to destroy your reputation,
even have you fired---For these serious transgressions of human decency
they feel no shame. Not having a conscience facilitates narcissists in
their outrageous and hurtful behaviors.<br />
<br />
Narcissists are particularly
brutal with their spouses. They create reasons to shame their partners.
Riding along with the shaming is their volcanic rage. Here there is no
let up. They constantly scream in your face, slam doors, hit walls, then
revert to the silent treatment. At the end of these wretched scenes the
narcissist blames you for disturbing him. Narcissistic spouses are
constantly finding ways to whittle you down psychologically, to keep you
desperate, to throttle your nerve endings.<br />
<br />
Shaming is one of their most
effective cruelties. It is especially pernicious if you were shamed as
a child. Some spouses take this toxic kind of abuse because it is so
familiar to them. They unconsciously turn to a narcissistic spouse to
reinforce how they feel about themselves from childhood. Some spouses,
after years of being belittled and laughed out and dragged through the
mud of abuse, wake up and realize they don't deserve to be treated in
this abusive manner.<br />
<br />
The work of separating permanently from the
narcissistic spouse has begun. This passage may not be easy or smooth
but it is worth the journey. I am in communication with many spouses who
have made this final separation from the narcissistic spouse. With the
help of the support of family members and/or other members of their
social group together with those who benefit from excellent
psychotherapy, they taste freedom for the first time in their lives.
They don't have to make excuses for who they are. They feel no shame or
hesitation as they move toward healing and wholeness. lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-22152495498925771042014-05-16T13:36:00.000-07:002014-05-19T17:11:29.651-07:00You Can't Fix A Narcissistic MotherIf you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you have worn<br />
yourself out, trying to make her different. She suffers from a severe,<br />
fixed personality disorder that does not change. Her lies, the terror<br />
that she inflicts, her psychological and emotional blows upon you are<br />
unconscious projections of her self hatred. This is not about you; it's<br />
about her psychopathology. Stop blaming yourself, if that's what you<br />
have been doing since you were a child. Free yourself of guilt.<br />
If a brother or sister of yours has been treated since birth as a prince<br />
or princess, that's because mother chose them to mirror her belief that<br />
she is perfect. She aspired to create a clone of herself. Having a<br />
chosen brother or sister in the family makes life more painful. You were<br />
always compared with the perfect one and of course came up short. None<br />
of this is true but how could you have known when you were a small<br />
child. Now you know that this sibling is a full fledged narcissistic<br />
personality---another person you want to avoid and who has a complete<br />
lack of empathy.<br />
<br />
We can heal and change our attitudes toward ourselves. We must develop self mercy and look at the small child inside of us who has suffered so much and soothe and give love to this<br />
little one. Great healing takes place by going into the calming mode in the nervous system. This is done in a variety of ways. Gentle yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nostrils brings a feeling of deep<br />
relaxation into the body/mind. Cardiovascular exercise (what works<br />
for you) removes obsessive thinking and brings us to a state of peace. Some people benefit from working with an excellent acupuncturist who facilitates your dropping down into the most restful state. Listening to<br />
calming music, sketching, journaling are all ways to switch us back to<br />
where you belong--in a state of rest and peace. lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-5369692694557921162014-05-13T11:18:00.000-07:002014-05-13T12:05:32.767-07:00Don't Get Back on Narcissist's Dangerous RideWhen you live with or are married to a narcissist you are in
psychological danger. Once you have recognized who this person really
is--a pernicious, totally selfish, often vicious and vengeful human
being--make your exit. Previous spouses and partners of narcissists are
often drawn back into the narcissist's lair with promises of having
everything they want. A narcissist knows how to "apologize" and make up. This post refers to male and female narcissists.)
He offers you the most tempting rewards. He says that he has changed
and learned from his mistakes. This is his run of lies that sound so
appealing---He took you for granted. He cheated on you and now says he
was a bad person. He adeptly puts on his humble act. That's what this is
--Acting-- Method acting in its highest form. He wants you back as one
of his narcissistic supplies. You are an integral part of his image
(which is his reality). You may have other assets that he covets--social
and business connections, high professional standing. He knows that he
can fool you again. Don't fall for the "changed man" "I saw the Light"
routine.<br />
Narcissists are fixed personality disorders that do not
change. They are etched in early childhood. Many of these men are golden
boys who learned by the age of five that they were perfect and superior
and that they could use and abuse anyone to get to their goal.<br />
<br />
You hear the familiar words, the music begins--Don't grant the narcissist another dance!!!
Create your own production. Get the professional help you may need.
Surround yourself with a small cohesive support system. Pay attention to
your intuition. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit.<br />
You will recover and prevail.<br />
<br />
<b>Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.</b><br />
<b>Telephone Consultation: International</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</b><br />
<b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife </b>lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-1387830709897790832014-05-12T12:43:00.000-07:002014-05-12T12:43:07.094-07:00Cruel Narcissistic Sister Rules Household<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Narcissistic siblings do not change. As
little children they already<br />
have become self entitled to the hilt. I remember visiting one of these<br />
dysfunctional families. It was startling. Soon after I arrived the<br />
parents' four year old was hitting her little brother. The parents said nothing
to her. They "woke up" for a moment and in a frail voice the mother
said: "Dear, that's not<br />
very nice." That's it.</span><br />
<br />
<span data-mce-style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I
remember that this pint sized tyrant demanded every one’s attention. She kept
interrupting the adult conversation to talk about herself incessantly. The
mother listened to her daughter intently. I could sense that this was very
common in this household. This child was running the show. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I got reports from other relatives and friends
of the family that (let’s call<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>her<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allison) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>had gotten worse. Her brother was the constant
target of physical and emotional abuse. The parents still did not intervene. It
was as if they were afraid of the tyrant in their midst. Her demands and
cruelties continued and became more serious. The<br />
little brother often hid in his room to avoid Allison the Hun. I returned
to this home a number of times and found Allison to be a growing tyrant. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Many years later I was invited to Allison’s wedding.
She was a Bridezilla beyond belief. . Her maids of honor were criticized and
psychologically beaten down and told exactly what they could do and not do.
They were intimidated by the bride. This full grown narcissist was now running
the entire family. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Her brother was still traumatized from the
years of abuse by her and obliviousness by the parents. He fortunately moved
away, married and had very little contact with his narcissistic sister.
</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">If you have a narcissistic sibling, these
life stories are no mystery to you. The question is: How much more are you
going to take? Narcissists don't change. They </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">grow older and crueler.
Learn to give priority to your own life, to your talents, your dreams, your
personal relationships, your creativity. </span><br />
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<br /></div>
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-36059120219804507042014-05-10T22:20:00.000-07:002014-05-10T22:20:34.914-07:00Your Finely Tuned Intuition Protects Against the NarcissistIntuition is an instantaneous knowing of the truth. It is faster than
rational thought. You cannot study or analyze the truth that comes
forth from intuition. To get in touch with your intuition it is
essential that you are in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system
that part of us that represents the calming healing part of ourselves.
this is both scientific and mystical. Everyone can learn to tune in to
his intuition if you become receptive to this great gift.<br /><br />
Deep
breathing through the nostrils that is done through yoga asanas is one
of the ways to get in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system.
Gentle yoga poses using nostril breathing calms the nervous system and
puts us in a state of restoration. The more often we are consistently in
this state the stronger our capacity to heal. Powers of intuition are
enhanced by calming the body and the mind.<br />
The narcissist
overwhelms everyone in his environment. He is the powerful one, the
ruler and controller of everyone's life. When you grow up with or are
married to a narcissist, your life does not belong to you. the
narcissist has chosen acolytes. It is not unusual for narcissistic
parents to pick one or two children whom they mold into perfect replicas
of themselves. These individuals are conditioned to becoming false
grandiose selves that develop into narcissistic personalities.<br />
<br />
Those
who are married to narcissists often wake up and realize that they are
being abused, that their lives are narrowing, their options diminishing,
their gifts are faded memories, their energies are sapped. They have
reached a turning point. They start studying the narcissistic
personality everywhere they can get this material. They open their eyes
and recognized sometimes for the first time that their parents are
narcissists and that they are married to a narcissist or that they have
narcissistic siblings or an entire narcissistic family. They are at a
decision point pivotal to the rest of their lives. They now know they
can no longer live as a prisoner of the narcissist. They move step by
step toward detaching themselves psychologically from this toxic
individual.<br />
<br />
Some find help with skilled psychotherapists who understand
the true nature of the narcissist and can form a strong therapeutic
alliance that will provide them with support and insight. Developing
your deep intuition is part of the freedom process. Use the techniques
that work for you to become more and more receptive to your intuition.
It is waiting for you to ask for assistance. The more often you use this
great gift the more powerful and natural to you it becomes. Intuition
is very real and can be highly developed with consistent work. It is
part of your pathway to freedom and protection from the narcissist in
your life and opens the doors to healing and the reclaiming of your real
self.<br />
<br />
<b>Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.</b><br />
<b>Website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</b><br />
<b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b>lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-35620750711453936222014-05-09T22:25:00.000-07:002014-05-09T22:25:14.365-07:00Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--You Are Not AloneWhen you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you<br /> are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time. Many daughters<br /> don't realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred<br /> on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your<br /> childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold<br /> mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that<br /> think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so<br /> devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly<br /> on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful<br /> she is.<br />
<br />
Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic<br /> mothers literally beat their children. They make sure that the marks<br /> won't show so there will be no obvious evidence of their cruelties.<br /> Other mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.<br /> They pit one child against the other. They are cold and unexpressive.<br /> They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always<br /> busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with<br /> their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of<br /> surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.<br /> When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.<br />
<br />
There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with<br /> her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the<br /> narcissistic mother's revenge. These daughters then become a constant<br /> target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she<br /> will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls<br /> out, saying that she simply can't afford it. This is an all out lie. She<br /> has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic<br /> mother's horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is<br /> exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom<br /> she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they<br /> have weathered horrible abuse--daily intimidations and humiliations. She<br /> constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that<br /> she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending<br /> to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not<br /> bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and<br /> on---endlessly undermining this child.<br />
<br />
There are daughters of narcissistic mothers that say: "enough" and leave their households<br /> early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can<br /> be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them<br /> with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.<br /> They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves<br /> and become independent.<br />
Whatever
stage of dealing with your narcissistic mother you are in, I
congratulate your courage and fortitude. You know the truth. You are a
fine human being. Your mother<br /> is a severe personality disorder. You
have prevailed. You are free. Fly and glide like the Monarch butterflies
who complete their migration over three generations and thousands of
miles--so beautiful so determined, so wonderful.<br />
To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website<strong>:thenarcissistinyourlife.com </strong><br />
<strong><br /> </strong>lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-73949959472278325022014-05-08T15:09:00.000-07:002014-05-08T15:09:12.851-07:00Omg--I Married A SociopathYou are painfully discovering that the man you married is not only a
narcissist, he is a sociopath. (This post applies to male and female sociopaths.) The warning signs were there early but you were so dazzled by his
perfect charming irresistible facade that you didn't notice. He had all
of the qualities that you had been searching for. He was confident,
intelligent, successful, good looking, socially skilled. And he was so
taken with you that you couldn't say no. There was a part of you that
said: "This is the guy; if I let him go I will never find another man
like him. I will have missed my chance." Certainly you had no idea of
the real nature of the bargain that you were striking. It was a deal
with the devil and you were easy prey. With all of this said, do not
blame yourself now. You could not have known that this man was a
sociopath (I call them bloodless sociopaths because they don't commit
physically violent crimes) Their crimes are psychological, emotional and
financial.<br />
<br />
I have read and heard from so many women/men who have
fallen into this trap. As the number of narcissists increases every day,
the number of bloodless sociopaths swells as well. Being ruthless,
lacking conscience (if you can get away with what you want to do without
getting caught) stepping on the feelings of others, pushing those who
are weaker out of the way, exploiting the vulnerable-----These
personality traits and the behaviors and consequences of them have
become unimportant to many in the current society today. As long as you
get the goods, make the big money, are clever at getting around the laws
and have the right connections and an impeccable image, you are praised
, raised up, financially rewarded and by some who are mesmerized by
you---considered a hero, an innovator.<br />
<br />
This is all delusion--the
greatest act in the world that most people believe, even the relatives
of the victims of the sociopathic husband. In the darkness of your
bedroom late at night, you are brutalized psychologically. You are
derided, criticized and treated like a piece of trash. You are always in
fight or flight mode--there is no let up. Your blood pressure is high;
you are getting constant infections and flus. You can't sleep at night
and you wake up with a start. "What is he going to do next?" You keep
asking and the answer is-- Plenty.<br />
First, recognize that you are
married to a psychological criminal --a person who doesn't give a damn
about you and will replace you with someone else if he already hasn't.<br />
<br />
Make
your plans in secret to get out of the marriage and to protect the
assets that you have. That includes your emotional, physical and
psychological health. Get ahead of his game. Research attorneys and find
one who is so smart, clever and your absolute advocate--a person who is
very grounded and remains exceedingly calm in dealing with these
vipers. You need a veteran of these ugly divorce wars. Keep your circle
of real friends tightly around you and make sure that no one says a word
about your plans. Seek short term quality psychotherapy if you think
that will provide you with a therapeutic alliance that you need at this
time. Call upon a few friends who are there for you
at any time.<br />
<br />
Keep your plans very close to the vest. Don't
change your mind. At some point he may get the scent that you are on to
his game and try to woo you back with enticements.Be faithful to
yourself and your future as a free individual who deserves to use all of your creative gifts and energies and to experience healing and deep inner peace. lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-90544939278753341522014-05-04T10:23:00.000-07:002014-05-04T10:37:31.946-07:00Narcissists Abusers--Their Human Beasts of BurdenA beast of burden is defined as an animal who carries heavy loads or must do very hard work.<br />
<br />
Narcissists often put their children, spouses, siblings and others in these roles as human beasts of burden. In effect their children, spouses and siblings are their servants.<br />
<br />
The narcissist is imperious. He/she is the ruler in every "relationship." Children of narcissists lead their lives at the mercy, whim, impulse, psychopathology of their highly disturbed parents. The narcissist gives orders--quite literally--and those close to him/her are expected to obey on the spot. Growing up, children depend on the parent for survival. They have no alternative. Being raised by a narcissistic parent, the child has no real support, validation, emotional closeness, feeling of security or protection or sense of entitlement (unless he is the golden child and adored). Children growing up with a narcissistic parent(s) describe that they felt like prisoners in their own homes. Often they hid from the narcissistic mother or father, fearing that they would have to tolerate one more screaming session, accusation, humiliation, volleys of criticisms and threats. These children live under emotional and psychological siege. They have trouble sleeping at night. They feel unsafe in their own homes. Some suffer from constant free floating anxiety.<br />
<br />
The narcissistic parent is highly demanding of what he or she wants and must have. Angry commands must be responded to. Chores must be done perfectly on the spot. Nothing is ever good enough for the narcissistic parent. He/she always finds flaws and the child is at fault. This is the narcissist's serious delusional state not the child's.<br />
<br />
The child of a narcissistic parent is likely to marry a narcissist, repeating the psychological pattern of abuse.<br />
The narcissistic spouse is imperious as well--making outrageous demands, throwing criticisms right and left, making the partner feel unworthy and defective. Many spouses of these narcissists stay married to them. They continue to take the psychological blows and to become human beasts of burden who will do the bidding of the narcissistic partner, regardless of how depleted, exhausted or frustrated they are. They are devoted to someone who is hurting them. They feel the stress and pain in their bodies and the mental distress---yet they continue in these roles, often throughout the marriage. When the narcissist gets too bored with someone he/she can kick around too easily, this person will be discarded and replaced.<br />
Some narcissistic spouses keep their human beasts of burden indefinitely. They have found someone who is loyal, will always fulfill their every need--regardless of its outrageousness and continue to adore and provide the narcissist with cascades of narcissistic supplies. <br />
<br />
Adult children of narcissistic parents have a long road that they travel to recovering their true selves and repairing their psyches from their exposure to emotional and psychological battlefields. Many find wholeness and inner peace through a variety of practices including guided meditation, gentle hatha yoga, exercise that works for them, finding support from those whom they trust and understand what they have endured, through creative spontaneous writing, music that soothes them, acupuncture that puts the patient in the parasympathetic nervous system, etc.<br />
<br />
Those married to narcissists who awaken to the truth that they have been the victims of narcissistic abuse, sever these relationships, go through the divorce process and begin to put their lives back together in the ways that are healing to them. They no longer live under the control of a narcissistic partner. They are human beasts of burden no longer. Their role now is to lead the life that they deserve--to awaken to the fact that they are entitled to inner peace, a healthy sense of entitlement and a strong knowing that they are more than good enough. Remember that if you have been in one of these dreadful marriages, you can and will heal.<br />
<br />
<b>Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b><br />
<b>Telephone Consultations: International</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</b><br />
<b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-36926903177895351672014-05-02T13:38:00.000-07:002014-05-02T13:38:48.992-07:00Sociopathic Narcissists Have the Killer Instinct<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
The grandiose narcissist needs to have his/her ego constantly stroked. He knows how to reel people in. He plays to their dependency needs, material desires, their aspirations for wealth and power. He can<br />
take one look at a woman and know how to get her under his control. Many women fall for this master of charm with all the gilded promises. With a narcissist you are lead to believe that you life will be unlimited,<br />
that you can have every high and pleasurable experience you've ever wanted, that you will never have to worry about money, security, social status. You will always be royal. Woman with very successful careers and professions still fall for charming narcissistic men. They become<br />
entranced, hypnotized.The sociopathic narcissist is several steps beyond his classic brother
narcissist. He doesn't have a whiff of conscience. He is involved in illegal activities as part of his lifestyle.
He secretly leads a number of lives and has a keen killer instinct. You get in
his way and your life is toast. That is the force of his dangerous darkness. He
may threaten you openly or keep his plans secret but watch out if you confront him. Those who go along with him are not
leading their own lives. They stay there because of all the perks which are a constant
distraction like a merry go round that is moving faster and faster. The
giddiness of having anything you want is intoxicating. <br />
<br />
Sociopathic narcissists are disastrous parents. They are incapable of forming
any kind of relationship with them. Sometimes the child looks up to the father
or mother because this<br />
person is very successful and powerful. Some narcissistic sociopaths choose one
child to mirror him. He becomes the golden boy or girl and can do no wrong.<br />
<br />
Sociopathic narcissists are psychological killers in business. They
terrorize their rivals. They<br />
have close allies and partners that make the lives of their competitors a living
hell. They step over ethical and legal boundaries all of the time and don't get
caught because they have a coterie of killer instinct sociopathic lawyers.<br />
<br />
When you decide to divorce a sociopathic narcissist, make your preparations
secretly and take your time to do a lot of research. Interview several
attorneys who understand the way these people tick. The soon to be ex is out
for blood and will stop at nothing to win. Find an attorney who is not
intimidated in the slightest with these personalities, someone who remains calm when the long knives come out. Use all of your resources to get
the support you need. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful during this
time. Find friends that are available to support you and stick with this
ordeal. You will prevail. Keep telling yourself that<br />
this is a marathon and you are up to the race and will cross the finish line with a smile on your face.<br />
<br />lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-12516738531883112392014-05-01T18:11:00.000-07:002014-05-01T18:18:13.488-07:00Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Rage-Grief-Healing<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<br />
Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to
travel. From childhood they have had to contend with mothers who were cold,
distracted, self-absorbed, coercive, dismissive, manipulative, highly critical
and psychologically destructive. Many daughters of narcissistic mothers remain
in denial about their mother's true nature. They blame themselves for
manufactured short comings and flaws that were the product of the projections
of a delusional narcissistic mother. These mothers live for themselves. They
come in as many shapes and sizes and styles as there are plants on the planet.
But when we look at the essential realities of their natures they are the same.
Narcissistic mothers have a severe personality disorder that is not going to
change. Their children are at their mercy and whim. Their daughters are a
continuing source of narcissistic supply. If they are intelligent, have special
talents, athletic abilities, are attractive---the narcissistic mother uses
these qualities of her child to pump up her ego and grandiose image. The child
doesn't matter to her---only the perfect performance that will impress those in
her circle of social or professional influence. Narcissistic mothers test two
daughters to see which one will be the standout. One will be favored over the
other and this will become painfully obvious to the daughter who is not chosen.
Often the narcissistic mother and the budding narcissistic daughter form a dark
alliance designed to psychologically immobilize and even decimate the rejected
child.<br />
<br />
Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to contend with the multiple
cruelties perpetrated by these mothers from hell. Rage is often the first
reaction of the wounded daughter. She hates her mother. She is furious about this
woman who was mother in name only and tried to destroy the life of her own
child. Beneath the rage is a gnawing grief---a pervasive feeling of loss over
what the daughter never had--a loving protective mother who accepted and
nurtured her child as a separate individual with no strings attached.<br />
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers find that working with a highly
skilled psychotherapist helpful in working through the narcissistic mother rage
and grief. Those inclined to go in this direction must make sure that they
choose a therapist very wisely.There are excellent ones but it takes research
and the full use of your intuition and powers of observation to pick the right
therapist for you.<br />
<br />
The next step is healing and wholeness. We are designed to be whole,
complete, separate, thriving individuals. When you have worked through the rage
and grieving, you discover that the deep authentic parts of you are there ready
to be activated. This is a complex process. Some daughters of narcissistic
mothers move in a spiritual direction (in the personal way that you define
this). They develop a consistent meditation practice that works for them. Many
practice gentle forms of yoga that put emphasis on the breath and calm the
nervous system. Many do daily journaling and keep track of their dreams. Dreams
are gifts of the unconscious that are given to us every night. Become familiar
with this part of yourself---It is found gold.<br />
The daughter of a narcissistic mother is very special-----She is a survivor,
a beautiful human being who has survived the psychological gulags of childhood
to emerge as a vibrant, loving, creative individual.<br />
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lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-10041107615153631762014-04-27T14:20:00.001-07:002014-04-28T12:46:54.863-07:00Narcissitic Parents--The Baby Who Could Not Stop CryingA few weeks ago I was having dinner in a nearby restaurant. The environment was comfortable, well appointed and service oriented. I had been looking forward to this evening because I knew about their high quality food and Italian ambiance. There was a large table of people a short distance away. It appeared to be an extended family situation. I heard a cry coming from a baby (less than two years of age) sitting next to a man whom I believe was his father. The cry grew louder and I quickly noticed that not one member of this group was paying any attention to this child. It was as if they were unable to hear his rising hysteria. There was no move or gesture toward this little fellow. He threw back his face and neck and screamed loudly for some time before his father turned without any emotion on his face and began to quickly scoop food into this child's mouth. During this time none of the members of this group made a move or looked the baby's way.<br />
The crying grew louder and louder. The man whom I believe was the father turned away from the child and ignored him for at least five minutes. I was alarmed and wondered what the hell was going on. I thought about telling one of the waiters about what was in plain sight. I wanted to rush over a number of times and pick up the baby and soothe him and never give him back. The other restaurant guests appeared to be ignoring this horrible painful emotional meltdown. The cry became primal, like an animal that is pleading for its life and losing the battle. Finally after at least fifteen minutes the father or father surrogate picked up the baby. This procedure was done stiffly, without any emotional attachment or concern. It appeared that the dad realized that a scene was occurring and wanted to avoid a further public display. The baby stopped crying briefly. Soon dad put baby down and the screaming resumed--head and neck back with full throttled crying--endless waves of severe distress. The dinner guests at the table finished their meal and left with the crying baby. I do not know what happened to the baby after the party left the restaurant. I would not be surprised if they let him scream indefinitely until he got on their nerves so much that they put him in a room far away and let him cry himself to stupor and finally sleep. This scene is indelible in my mind. It was so real yet completely ignored as if it had never happened.<br />
<br />
I am thinking about the cries of children of a narcissistic mother or father or both that are responded to with a slap, a sneer, a snarl, a threat or a removal to a room where the child cannot be heard and therefore will not disturb the needs of the narcissistic parent(s). No thought is given by narcissistic parents to the emotional and psychological needs of their children. Children of these parents exist only as narcissistic supplies for them. They are not loved or valued for themselves. If they are chosen by the narcissistic parent it is because they are attractive, bright, talented, etc. and can be molded as their perfect mirrors. Some children of narcissistic parents are completely ignored and abandoned. They must fend for themselves to survive.<b> </b><br />
<br />
"A narcissistic parent is incapable of empathy, the ability to understand or care about how someone else is feeling. The focus of the narcissist is selfish and insular. A life dedicated exclusively to self cannot encompass<br />
a genuine love of one's children."(From <i>Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)</i><br />
<br />
<b> </b>I hear from children of narcissistic parents through my blog and book. Their psychological pain and the abuse and deprivations they have endured are immense and often overwhelming. So many of them are healing from this painful legacy. They have great courage and are committed to a healing themselves and do this hard work each day. They are finding their true selves through many healing modalities. Excellent psychotherapy helps them to work through the pain of the past, release it and redefine themselves. The practice of some form of quieting the mind or meditation puts the individual into the calming part of the nervous system where all healing takes place. Others discover their unique creative talents in a form that works for them. They have courageously pushed the reset button on their lives. <br />
<br />
<b>Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b><br />
<b>Telephone Consultation: International</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</b><br />
<b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b><br />
<br />
<br />lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-43388591182862872222014-04-24T14:02:00.000-07:002014-04-24T14:07:57.356-07:00Covert Narcissistic Sister Play and Deceive with "Poor Little Me"<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Covert narcissistic sisters play the "poor
little me" role in their families to psychologically unhinge and wreak
havoc on their non-narcissistic brothers and sisters. They start very early
telling lies to the parents about their siblings while playing the innocent
role to the hilt. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As they grow older their sabotage escalates, causing
great pain emotional and psychological pain. They plot and take boyfriends away
from their sisters by telling lies or revealing secrets or conjuring up dirty
secrets. They are believable; their lying skills are impeccable. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Parents often make excuses for them especially if
this the Golden Child:"Oh, she is shy and dependent; she is not capable of
lying; give her a chance; she's unsure of herself; you have to be kind to
her." </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As she grows older and her psychopathology deepens the
CNS becomes even bolder. As the parents age, the CNS <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>becomes "indispensable" to them. In
secret she plots and gains power and access to all of their financial assets---properties,
investments, etc.<br />
When the parents are gone, everything is left to her—a pittance or less to the
other siblings. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who's saying "Poor
Little Her" now! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Covert narcissists are difficult to detect. Learn to
recognize them. They are too "good" to be true. Always trust your Intuition,
your Gut, that Sense of Knowing you have that is a great gift. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Telephone Consultations: International</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b></span></div>
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-14987964926490831362014-04-20T23:28:00.000-07:002014-04-20T23:29:26.885-07:00You Cannot Communicate With A NarcissistThe narcissistic personality lives in a delusional world of his
creation. Although he/she gives fine speeches and is highly articulate
in his profession, he is incapable of the give and take of true
communication. I am talking of a meeting of minds. The narcissist is of
one mind---his. That is all that exists at the center of his universe.
You share his reflected light only if you can provide him with major
narcissistic supplies--becoming an adoring spouse who acts as his
servant, provide him with sources of power and paths to wealth,
introduce him to influential movers and shakers. If you are in his life
and cannot fit his bill, especially if you are a spouse or child, you
will be treated with disrespect, dismissiveness, constant ridicule,
searing criticism, verbal assaults, mental gaslighting and psychological
sabotage.<br />
<br />
The current narcissistic society gives these
individuals a large pass, especially if they are successful academically
and professionally and are highly confident. Recently I had an
encounter with a narcissistic fellow. I had spoken to him previously and
suspected that he was a narcissist. Every word that he uttered was
about him. He bragged incessantly about his entry into a medical
residency. I made an effort to engage him in a conversation but it was
impossible. At one point I mentioned a renowned surgeon who was in his
field of study and he didn't make a verbal or nonverbal reply. It
appeared that he was unable to hear anything that I was saying except
the sound of his own voice. He flashed a pasted smile with pearly teeth
every time he spoke about his grandiose ambitions. He was obsessed with
his perfect false self. I talked about a person whom I knew that had a
medical problem in his prospective specialty. He was uncommunicative and
disinterested. I watched him puff himself up like a peacock as he
spoke about his future. When he did mention others there was a sharp
disdain in his voice and nonverbal demeaning gestures signaling his
superiority.<br />
<br />
I left the Prince's throne room and went outside into
the night and gazed at the twinkling stars ---so beautiful, magnificent
and real.<br />
<br />
Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.You will
learn how to recognize them much sooner. Trust your intuition as well.
It always speaks the truth. Work on your own self entitlement, clear
boundaries and demand self respect. You are a person of many gifts and
have unique value. You are empathic and each person you meet is
fortunate that you have passed their way. Stay on the road less
traveled, the one that leads to higher consciousness and inner peace.<br />
<br />
<b>Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.</b><br />
<b>Telephone Consultations: International</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life </b>lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-31165007037091452662014-04-18T17:52:00.002-07:002014-04-18T19:56:20.783-07:00Staying with Your Narcissistic Spouse--Running on EmptyThose who are married to or living with a narcissistic personality
are psychologically compromised if not imperiled. Your life no longer
belongs to you. Your private thoughts are constantly interrupted by the
delusional noise, the tantrums, accusations and ill will of the
narcissistic partner. If he/she is in a bad mood you will get the brunt
of his cruel projections. (This post refers to make and female narcissists). He is in constant denial about reality. He
insists you view everything from his distorted perspective--how you lead
your life, where you live, how much psychological freedom you have,
even the activities of your days and nights can be dictated by a
narcissistic spouse. It is remarkable that they appear to get away with
being among the cruelest, insensitive human beings on the face of the
earth. Once. they walk outside wearing their highly convincing mask they
are greeted like heroes--a person who can do no wrong, who is lauded by
his professional colleagues, respected by the community, lionized by
his adoring inner circle.<br />
<br />
What happens in private is totally
different--and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist
changes his tune. He is screaming, barking out
demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous
unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have
absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there
and frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this
hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse
year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt
themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats,
stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This
is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in
the narcissist's delusion and doesn't understand that she is entitled to
break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of
a different life.<br />
<br />
There are instances when the non-narcissistic
spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the
narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very
frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see
the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks
herself:"Do I want to continue living this way?" "My spouse is not going
to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more
dismissive--"<br />
<br />
At some point the injured spouse decides that she will
sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in
advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major
ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of
these spouse report the relief they feel---they can breathe and think
and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but
with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this
renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using
all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively
at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in
their lives.lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-58293552628281271112014-04-16T12:43:00.000-07:002014-04-16T12:53:39.356-07:00Divorcing A Narcissist--You Are The EnemyThose in the midst of a divorce from a narcissist, know that all out warfare is taking place. You started with the idea of a fair settlement with all of your research and details. This was quickly rebuffed as a non-starter.<br />
You didn't know that your spouse has morphed you into The Enemy. He or she has never been a true partner. The narcissist is incapable of having an authentic relationship with anyone, their spouses and children in particular. You tried with all of your inner resources and ounce of strength and conviction to help this partner to change. You hoped, you cried, you prayed, you researched, you didn't sleep----and so much more you did to keep the marriage alive and moving forward. But you didn't know that being with a narcissist always moves backwards for the partner. It is regressive and psychologically harmful to you. <br />
<br />
Recognizing that you are in enemy territory is difficult if you have been married and have loved this person for a number of years--over half of your life--even longer. It is a shock and that is understandable.<br />
<br />
You are blamed for everything. He/she is lying about you, making you appear to be crazy, immoral, a substance abuser, tramp. You name it and you are accused. Lies are spread to your friends, acquaintances, even reaching at times your work environment.<br />
<br />
One of the first offensive moves is the lightening transformation of the spouse from being affluent, well healed, even very wealthy or uber wealthy to, in an instant, being impoverished. The "records" show that there is no money, no assets, no credit----nothing! It is that quick. These moves have been planned and plotted for some time without your knowledge. Narcissists don't have insight but they are exceedingly cunning and strategic, especially when it comes to material assets. They are greedy--I mean the Seven Deadly Sins--Greed.<br />
<br />
I think of the Middle Ages and the Castles built during that time of great violence. This reminds me of the narcissistic spouse and what he/she does to protect his castle. The Moat is filled with high waters or sharp wooden barriers or both to keep enemies from approach. The Drawbridge is drawn up and tightly secured; the iron gate is locked and bolted.<br />
<br />
In the Keep at the top of the Castle the narcissist feels superior and invincible. No one can touch him. (Noblemen during the Middle Ages held large collections of precious stones-sapphires, emeralds, rubies, diamonds and gold). Today, the greedy narcissist has other instruments of tremendous value that can be whisked away with key strokes. <br />
<br />
If your narcissistic spouse does not have monetary means, he or she has made you into The Enemy as well.<br />
<br />
First, know that this is not true about you. It is a profound unconscious toxic projection on the part of the narcissist. You are not to blame, You are very sane. You are a fine human being. You have special talents, creativity and a unique core that belongs to you alone. Feel this deep inside and remind yourself of who you are.<br />
<br />
Research and learn about the NPD in-depth so you know him better than he knows himself.<br />
Get an excellent attorney (who will not gouge you and is not a narcissist) who is your true advocate and fearless about confronting the odious barrage.<br />
<br />
Practice self care: Sleep, eating well, time to be quiet--guided meditation, gentle yoga, therapy if you think that will help you at this time (Research the therapist thoroughly).<br />
<br />
I am in your corner all the way, now and for the rest of the journey.<br />
I know about those who have won these battles and prevailed.<br />
I celebrate your courage, strength, integrity, authenticity!<br />
<br />
<b>Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com</b><br />
<b>Telephone Consultation: International</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</b><br />
<b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b>lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-36030400510653278132014-04-12T23:23:00.000-07:002014-04-12T23:23:50.585-07:00Unmasking the Narcissistic PersonalityNarcissists, especially those who are very successful in the social and business worlds, wear many masks that are highly appealing to most people. Often they are bright and attractive and have tremendous charisma and fine social skills. They learn how to "act the part of the Charmer" when they are very young. Often they are chosen by the mother or father as the exalted one in the family. The other siblings are secondary to this special child.<br />
<br />
Early on the narcissistic child grows in the fertile atmosphere of extreme self entitlement. There are no rules for him or her. He is given the run of the house. In some cases the mother and father usurp their authority to this little tyrant to whom they bow. I have seen this happen in some family constellations. In other cases the mother molds the budding narcissist as her possession as if she has given birth to a godlike living being. The mother is psychologically fused with this "perfect" child. She gives all of her attention to this one and not the others. They are unimportant to her and must fend for themselves.<br />
<br />
During childhood the little narcissist learns to put on a number of masks that eventually become the false grandiose self. The child knows that h can do anything he wants and will not be corrected or contained. When he doesn't get what he must have, he throws royal tantrums and then is rewarded for this obnoxious behavior. Some mothers reinforce their golden child's cruelties to siblings. This is exceedingly hurtful and damaging to siblings who have not been picked for special positive attention and adulation.<br />
<br />
Throughout the years the narcissist develops a false self that is put in place of the real self. The real self resides in the unconscious of the narcissist and is revealed through primitive cruel projections that are pushed on to those who get in his way or try to deflate his enormous ego. These unconscious projections are exhibited and ejected on to others through the narcissist's life. If you find yourself being the target of this venom it is essential that you find ways to deflect and avoid this toxicity. Often the only way to do this is through going no contact with the offending person. This is difficult if it is a family member but often necessary. These outrageous behaviors on the part of the narcissist are very painful and psychologically corrosive to those on the receiving end of this cruel treatment.<br />
<br />
Study the narcissistic personality so that you understand how they operate and why.<br />
Take time to appreciate your unique individuality, especially if you grew up with a narcissistic mother, father, or sibling or if you are married to a narcissistic spouse. Begin your self healing now and carry this through each day. Put yourself first. This is not selfish but an essential part of the healing process that will lead you to inner peace and deep grounding in your own authenticity and appreciation of yourself.<br />
<br />
<b>Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b><br />
<b>Telephone Consultation: International</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</b><br />
<b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b>lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-37342859958113531692014-04-11T11:14:00.003-07:002014-04-11T11:14:26.776-07:00Narcissists Always Want Something From You---EverythingI am reminded again and again, constantly, from the victims of narcissistic mothers, fathers, spouses, ex-spouses, siblings that narcissists don't ever have genuine relationships. Their false relating is based on What They Want From You--money, use of your creative gifts, your adulation, your life service to them, your role as the ongoing, endless recipient of their abuse. <b>They intend to take your life psychologically and They Do. </b><br />
<br />
You are the one who is not sleeping, who is anxious all of the time, exhausted, even physically ill. So often I see that the narcissist does not become sick but his spouse, child, sibling does. Yes, the person who loves this psychological vulture for decades is the one who has chronic illnesses or surgeries or stress reactions.<br />
<br />
The narcissist goes about his/her life without any illness whatsoever. He is projecting his venom constantly and it is being absorbed by his victims. I know of a number of narcissists (who probably have great health genes) who have rarely been ill. Everyone around them is suffering emotionally, psychologically and physically but they continue to go about their business of aggressively, treacherously, even criminally making their way in the world splendidly while those around them are dropping like flies.<br />
<br />
Narcissists are rewarded in our world today for the very qualities that destroy those closest to them. This is a time of an epidemic of pathological narcissism, the rise of the ego to the highest crest of the wave, the idolization and endless pursuit of power and material possessions, the complete lack of empathy and a horrendous disdain for those who have not succeeded, who have become weak as a result of the burdens, tragedies and tenuous fate of their lives. Narcissists eye you and make judgments. You are a winner or a loser. There is no humanity in their distinctions, no mercy, no compassion. They take and take and never stop until they destroy you unless you identify them, sever your relationship with them and begin the work of self healing for the rest of your life. <br />
<br />
<b>Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b><br />
<b>Telephone Consultation: International</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</b><br />
<b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b><br />
<br />
<br />lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-50691930544854375782014-04-09T22:26:00.000-07:002014-04-09T22:26:02.277-07:00Narcissistic Spouses Play the "I Have Changed" CardOne of the repetitive themes that runs through the cycle of abuse with the narcissistic spouse is: "I have changed. I want you back. I am a different person now." This works very well for many narcissists. They<br />
are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them.
(This post refers to both male and female narcissistic spouses.) She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believethat this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a<br /> financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset you have. Another reason is that he doesn't want to go through a<br /> divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs.<br /> He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the surface he is still leading a secret life.<br />
Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don't let the narcissistic spouse back into your life. You don't deserve this abuse and exploitation.Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative<br /> gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be restored.<br />
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-23709479678406204462014-04-07T09:20:00.000-07:002014-04-07T09:20:32.540-07:00You Survived A Narcissistic Mother---Be Kind To YourselfI hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers who went
through hell and back as children of narcissistic mothers. They
psychologically discarded their kids except when it came to harsh
torturous punishments. As adults they remember their mother's screams
thundering through the house:"I never wanted you." "You are a piece of
trash." "I wish I had aborted you." "You are to blame for every bad
thing that ever happened to me." "You make my life miserable every day."
When children are very little, some narcissistic mothers tell their
children that because they are so bad, they are going to send them away.
There is never an explanation to the child of what that means but it
strikes terror in the heart of the child that lingers as a morbid
threat.<br />
<br />
The father in these family constellations is often very
weak and terrified himself of his spouse. He becomes a workaholic and in
some cases an alcoholic. He is completely unavailable to his children
emotionally. Some fathers disappear and leave the home early in their
childrens' lives. They are irresponsible and infantile and flee the
scene without ceremony.<br />
<br />
Moment to moment these children are living
in what can be described as a prison. Their nervous systems are
constantly jarred by the NM's demands and intimidations. Some children
learn to tune out mother and they become numb to their own feelings.
Others are in a constant state of fear, always waiting for the next
catastrophe to arrive. Some children leave the home early and find
relatives or friends who will take them in. And others stay in NM's
gulag for the sentence of their childhood and teenage years. Some kids
act out through alcohol and drugs and sexual escapades to numb the pain
and take them temporarily out of their living nightmare. This is self
destructive but not surprising.<br />
<br />
As older teenagers and young
adults some abuse victims leave the home from hell and make efforts to
forge their own lives. Some of these children pick themselves up and
move forward with their education and careers. On the surface some are
successful but inside they carry the painful imprint of their time in
the house of desolation with the narcissistic mother. Others have a
difficult time functioning in the outside world. Some adult children
repeat the childhood pattern by marrying narcissistic spouses who
psychologically incarcerate them.<br />
<br />
Blame and shame are often the
legacies of having a narcissistic mother as well as residual feelings of
anxiety and depression. First---don't blame yourself. You didn't ask to
be born to a narcissistic mother. It happened and it is horrible but
don't take this upon yourself. Focus your attention on a deep
appreciation of who you really are and that you did everything to
survive and achieved something great and very difficult. Learn to be
kind to yourself. This begins with self care. Acknowledge the wonderful
unique person you are. Take time with the basics---good sleep, healthy
eating, exercise in a form that works for you. Give yourself time each
day to be quiet and uninterrupted where you can meditate, do basic yoga
poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the
nervous system. Writing what you are feeling and thinking privately
offers many a source of freedom. Listening to music and allowing its
beauty to become internalized inside is a source of healing. Some adult children find that
excellent psychotherapy can help them work through many of the residual
issues. If you decide psychotherapy is a possibility, I recommend that
you interview several of them. I have found that there are fine
therapists but there are others who are narcissistic and out for the
money motive and making you dependent on them for that purpose.<br />
<br />
Use
your creative gifts--You have them. Be receptive to knowing what they
are. Above all, use your intuition all of the time. It tells us the
truth and is a companion throughout every moment of our lives.<br />
I hold a special place in my heart for children of narcissistic mothers. I stand with you always.<br />
<br />
The following comment is one I just received from a wonderful man, a great survivor of a narcissistic mother. I have his permission to share his life story with you:<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My mother is a Covert narcissist. She wears the mask of the
do gooder, the angel of mercy, the saint...the community praises and raises her
to Sainthood, yet I know the truth. I was the golden child, but never a
narcissist. The golden child is chosen as the one who is lavished upon, shown
off to friends and family as the smartest, brightest, most attractive. She
groomed me to be the best at everything I did yet never for my sake. It was all
done for her, so she can say "look at my son, look what he can do, look at
how much he knows!" Everything I did, whether it was winning at the swim
meets, or running faster than anyone, and specifically in my case, being the
most intelligent, was for her. I was quizzed everywhere we went since i was 2.
And I reveled in it. This all began to change when I reached puberty. I began
the natural rebelling state of pubescent boy. But she wouldn't have it. She
knew she was losing control so she tightened her grip. She became hateful,
yelling and screaming. Emasculating me at every chance she could. My father was
always working and when around, had no control because he was a victim of this
Narcissist, as well. She had won, my puberty was the worst time of my life. I
had learned to fear woman, mistrust them. I was looking for affection
everywhere I could and a boy my age who had been molested himself, molested me.
As deeply shameful as it was, it was still attention and in my twisted mind,
affection. I spent 35 yrs. never knowing a woman, always befriending them, but
terrified of letting them in. I didn't think I was gay, but I was a tall,
attractive person who spoke well on many subjects and I found friendship and
attention in the gay community. I never had a sex with these men, but always
went back to the first one who molested me. Throughout my life I used drugs and
alcohol to medicate myself and to make it easier to be with this person and not
feel the pain and confusion my mother caused. The thing is, I never consciously
knew any of this. I had pushed it so far down I didn't know what was wrong with
me. And everytime I'd have contact with my mother, she knew exactly what to say
to pull me back in and push me further down. I hated her, but wasn't allowed to
hate her. She is a master manipulator and confuser to such a degree that I
didn't know up from down, left from right. And she reveled in it. I knew
something was wrong, but was never allowed to question her, or anything she
did. I was hers. At the age of 40 I quit all drugs and alcohol cold turkey. I
went through severe withdrawals. At one point I thought I had cancer. I told my
mother this and she didn't say a word. A month later, after my mind was
clearing up I told her I didn't have cancer. She screamed at me "I was
going to take care of you while you died, how dare you take that away from
me!" Pretty sick. But during my withdrawal, I was also withdrawing from my
mother. I began to gain a strength I didn't know I had. I started fighting
back, and with every step forward I took, the less power over me she had. This
was and still is a very long process. Today I don't talk to my mother. There's
no use. She'll twist whatever I say into something else, she'll try to
manipulate. What I've finally learned is that nothing I do, or say is going to
help her make changes. So I finally said no more! And with that, my life is
changing everyday for the better. I would never have known any of this if it
weren't for finding Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi's Site. I would have gone to an
early grave, which would have been satisfying to my mother because she then
would have won. As sick as that sounds, it's how these people are. My deepest
and most sincerest thank you, Dr. Martini-Lewis, you literally have changed my
life!<br />
<br />
Doug</span></div>
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-36478332331313241322014-04-04T22:21:00.000-07:002014-04-04T22:21:50.913-07:00From Budding Narcissist to Adult Narcissistic ScourgeMany of you have had the experience of watching a narcissist grow from early childhood into adulthood. You heard the ear shatteringtantrums, saw the parents make no attempt to get their "golden child" to<br /> behave. Their efforts were feeble because from the beginning he/she was never corrected for inconsiderate and boorish behavior. This child was considered special from the beginning--a little king or queen who was<br /> raised to the highest pinnacles. I have been astounded and chagrined by the outrageous behaviors of these chosen children. (This post refers to both male and female budding narcissists). <br />
<br />
I have bitten my tongue in social situations to not say: "Make that brat behave. He is not the only one on the face of the earth." "You are growing a monster who will come to hate you, exploit you and make the lives of<br /> others intolerable." But in social situations I have kept quiet in the past. Now I refuse these invitations. I would be watching a parent creating a mini monster who will grow into an abominable human being.<br /> Adults especially parents make excuses for their unempathic, selfish, materialistic, cruel, sadistic children. And others in the family go along with the charade. After all this child is so bright and attractive, what could be wrong with him. He is excelling in school as he charms everyone. What else can a parent want? You as a member of this family are expected to believe this delusion and to adore the child as much as his parents. Beneath the surface, the budding narcissist, day by day is becoming more self obsessed, grabby about what he must have, more grandiose that he is superior to everyone else and cannot make mistakes. He lies impeccably to trick others and make fools of them. He intimidates his brothers and sisters who live in sheer terror of his footsteps. Mother and father are oblivious and reluctant to correct or criticize the little prince. He has become a reflection of their perfection. They cannot be objective. The family image rides on the<br /> their son's perfect narcissistic facade. In the current societal climate today,narcissists are ruling. They get away with their treacheries because they exude confidence and are often very clever and forceful<br /> personalities that no one will buck them. If a member of your family is a narcissist and you have known him/her since childhood----he is not going to change. Now as an adult he is a larger, more ingrained, more vicious facsimile of his younger self. In fact many narcissists become meaner with age, more duplicitous and malicious. Do you need this person in your life? Is it worth all the hurt feelings, cruelties to be a part of this pathological drama. Ask yourself these questions and trust your inner response. You don't deserve this savage treatment. Learn about the inner workings of the narcissistic personality. Protect yourself and insist on respect even if that means no contact. You deserve to move forward with your life. lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3932213214115952683.post-51440335056046135612014-03-31T09:28:00.002-07:002014-03-31T09:28:36.494-07:00Divorce Your Narcissistic Spouse Before You Get SickSo many of those who are married to narcissists "stick it out" for decades and suffer horribly in every way: emotionally, psychologically and physically. Living with one of these self absorbed, highly manipulative, raging, cruel individuals every day takes a toll on your health. You are living in a war zone. Your sympathetic nervous system--the flight or fight mode---is in overdrive all of the time. This is not good for you. Many of you live in denial because you don't feel entitled to lead your own life and have decent sleep, emotional respite, respect and inner peace. Some stay for the sake of the children, even after they are grown.<br />
<br />
Learn everything you can about the true nature of the NPD who is not going to change. This is a fixed personality disorder. These individuals live for themselves alone. They may give you material things that are part of their image but you cannot have any emotional connection or intimacy with them. They are takers not givers.<br />
<br />
Put yourself first. Practice self care. Get the sleep that you deserve and need. Exercise and gain strength and stamina. Talk to the few people whom you trust. Do not share your inner personal life with your narcissistic spouse. This is your business and your life not his/hers. Sense your deep entitlement to lead a good life as an individual. If you find it helpful, practice gentle yoga. This will be calming and you will gain strength from doing this work. Use guided meditation or a form of prayer where you feel comforted inside. Do some form of exercise that works for you.<br />
<br />
You will begin to see the narcissist as he truly is and make the decision to take back your life.<br />
<br />
<b>Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b><br />
<b>Telephone Consultations: International</b><br />
<b>Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life</b><br />
<b>Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com </b>lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100613020268687643noreply@blogger.com0