Narcissistic Spouses Keep You in Fight or Flight Mode

Male or female spouses of narcissists are under constant stress They don't recognize the beating
their nervous systems are taking. The pressure to have a perfect image that the narcissistic spouse puts on his partner is extreme. If one hair is out of place or a few extra pounds have accumulated there will be disgust on. The face of the narcissist. Often a tirade will follow--an out of control screaming bot of long duration,pointing out all of your mistakes,character deficits and your lack of intelligence---more plainly,calling you stupid and worth. The narcissist can pivot quickly and become charming and giving as if the previous dressing down never took place. You start to relax and let down You say to yourself. "Maybe this person loves me. I must be more tolerant and giving."
Soon the mood switches and we experience the horrid dark side of the narcissist ,raging again
As long as you are married or involved closely with a narcissist you will be in survival mode.
Many spouses reach a point of no return,recognizing that they are hurting themselves by staying with the NPD. They make a plan and sever the relationship even if it means very hard work  Once they are freed up they embrace life with their own perspective. They answer to themselves and thrive using many creative gifts left in storage. They discover that there are individuals who appreciate their authenticity
Their lives are re-ignited with hope and new life visions. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissists Accuse You of Being Crazy-Not True

Narcissistic mothers, spouses and siblings accuse their victims of being "crazy". That can mean anything--that you express your feelings, think independently, call the narcissists out on his mistakes, that you are creating a life of your own, that you have talent and tremendous creativity.  Wherever you don't fit into the mold that the narcissist has created for you, there will be a target of his/her volcanic rage. Narcissists are so intimidating to most family members that we tend to believe what they are saying to us---even though it is a lie, figment of a deluded person. You are not fitting into the narcissist's image of how he has molded you.  There's the rub. Being yourself is not part of his repertoire. Since all reality revolves around him/her, you cannot step out of this very confined psychological space or the doors of Hell will open right before your eyes.

Narcissistic siblings are often sadistic with the chosen victim brother or sister. Having mother or father in your back pocket is a big plus if you want to put your sibling in constant turmoil. He or she gets the blame always for things that the budding narcissist, the golden child has done. The victimized child is not crazy. He lives in terror from one moment to the next.

Narcissistic spouses dispense with their perfect images when they enter the confines of their private spaces and all Hell breaks lose with their screaming demands, their false accusations, their threats to expose you for something you never did. This is crazy making but you are not crazy. The narcissistic spouse is creating chaos inside of you that is intolerable. You don't think you can live through one more moment. Some husbands and wives on the receiving end are so afraid that they go along with the narcissist and even blame themselves and agree with his delusional accusations.

You are not crazy; you are being severely abused and treated with disrespect, dismissiveness and a complete lack of empathy or compassion. In these instances the narcissist is inhumane. Stop blaming yourself if that has become your pattern of survival--identifying with the aggressor.  Seek excellent professional help and make sure you do all of the research on finding a therapist who is worthy of your trust. Reach out to friends whom you can count on. You only need one. Know deep down that you will prevail over living in a narcissistic family or being married to a narcissistic spouse or having a narcissistic sibling. There are so many alternatives waiting for you. Start to recognize the beauty inside of you--the original self that you always were. There are many pathways to freedom. Trust your intuition to find the one that is suited for you. Listen carefully and let yourself be guided. Meditation in a form that works for you deepens intuition and the guides that lead us to freedom and rediscovering our real selves. You will find individuals whom you can trust along the way. They will help you. Be receptive to the gifts of knowing that don't come from the intellect. You are learning that you can be calm, that the body, mind and soul are always in the process of healing. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Healing from Narcissistic Spouse-Resurrect Your Life

If you are married to a narcissistic spouse this person has stolen too much of your life. The hours, days, months, years and decades add up quickly and the psychological and emotional pain of living with one of these impossible, psychopathological individuals takes it toll on you.

The narcissist is free and easy. Without a conscience, obsessed with self, the narcissist moves from one narcissistic supply to the other like a frenzied honey bee. (Honey bees are magnificent; they create one of nature's greatest gifts--honey. )

Once you have broken free from the narcissist spouse and resumed regular breathing, the doors of your life open. Take time to rest and appreciate what you have accomplished. It is a great victory to leave the notorious narcissist behind. Don't wait for an avenging angel to bring you justice.

Use the new more peaceful moments of your life to rebuild yourself on every level: physical strength, professional growth, rediscovery and use of your creative gifts, spending time alone to experience uninterrupted peace. Take time for yourself each day to quiet your mind whether this is formal meditation, prayer, reading poetry, journaling, listening to inspiring and calming music and any other activity that you choose. You are making decisions based on your needs and wants not on the demands of the narcissistic spouse.

Bring beauty into your life. Spend time with Nature---the great healer. Grow flowers and watch them bloom. Listen to the bees, the birds, the winds that blow across your face. Let Nature speak to you. Listen to your intuition. It is always present with us. Don't override its messages.

If you have friends that have been left behind during the trials of marriage to a narcissist, reacquaint yourself with them--the keepers who are loyal and care deeply about you.

Practice self care. Eat and sleep well.  Exercise in the ways that you find pleasant. Make an effort to be consistent. As the days move forward, be patient with yourself. Healing does not move in a straight line. It is a complex process. We reach plateaus and feel like we are going nowhere. That is not true. Healing is catching up with itself.

Be spontaneous--laugh, sing, dance and be silly with a friend. Feel yourself lifted and lighter and freer. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Have Short Affection Spans

Narcissists love the ones' they're with. This can mean having several  romantic "relationships" at one time. Narcissists are restless beings--peripatetic--always off to the next thrill, excitement, big win, victory dance, grand party. They are thrill seekers in the human arena even if that means that they are dissembling your life.They are incapable of caring deeply; they cannot love. This is a central piece of them that is missing. A dark hole has invaded their heart and will remain there for the rest of their lives. Regardless of their professional accomplishments, the esteem in which others hold them, their financial thrust, they cannot be human. They are incapable of empathy of any kind. They are masters of pseudo empathy like fine method actors.

Once you identify the man or woman in your life as a narcissistic personality, know that this person is not going to change despite all of the over the top promises, intimidations, cajolings, gifts, guises and dramatic performances. 

It is up to you to make a decision for your life. That's what matters. You have the knowledge, strength and wisdom to unyoke yourself from the narcissist. You have many brothers and sisters in spirit who are waiting to hear and see your victory dance. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation:United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 

Psychologically Contolling and Invasive Narcissistic Mothers

There is a specific kind of narcissistic mother who appears to be devoted to her daughter. She pays attention to her when others are watching. She makes sure that her daughter is dressed beautifully and has a perfect room. The narcissistic mother puts her daughter on display for everyone to see. She talks endlessly about how special her little darling is to her friends and relatives. There are many photographs of mother and daughter displayed.  Anyone who didn't know the secrets of this mother/daughter relationship would never guess what is going on.  These narcissistic mothers use their daughters to burnish their own images of themselves. Playing the role of loving mother means that they can be professionally successful and an extraordinary mother at the same time. From the beginning mother decides what her daughter wants and needs. She is incapable of attuning to the nonverbal and verbal messages that her daughter is communicating.This daughter is like her perfect experiment. She is in complete charge despite the many signs that indicate that this little one is in distress, feels uncomfortable, frightened, etc.

These narcissistic mothers are highly controlling and invasive. As the daughter grows, mother doesn't allow her to have any privacy. She is always intruding on her child's private times to be alone, think her own thoughts and express her feelings. This is not allowed, especially since narcissistic mothers don't have access to their own interior world. They are incapable of empathy--the capacity of understanding how the other person is feeling from her point of view not yours. The mother decides how her daughter should react and is highly critical when she doesn't behave or respond  according to mother's expectations.

Narcissistic mothers are invasive to the point of reading their child's dairies and journals, listening in on their private conversations and trying to control their thinking. If the daughter of the narcissist tends is an an independent, creative thinker, she is ridiculed and sharply criticized. She is often called stupid and naive when she makes attempts to share her original ideas.  Mother mocks her, even laughs at her child.
The core issue is that daughters of narcissistic mothers are not allowed to be their authentic selves. These mothers are often envious of their daughters who in many cases are more intellectually curious, creative and  lively than their tightly wound mothers.

As the daughter grows, the narcissistic mother does not change. Some daughters live in the home only as long as they must and then find ways to leave this psychological  prison created by their narcissistic non-mothers. Other daughters wear themselves out trying to please their narcissistic mothers, wanting the love that this mother is incapable of giving.

Those who recognize that their mothers are narcissists and cannot change, often make the leap forward to separate from the cruel unbending yoke to which they have been attached for so long. They step out on their own, find ways to support themselves and finish their schooling. If they are fortunate, they find female mentors who act as surrogate mothers to them. This is part of their healing process. Having separated psychologically and physically from the controlling and invasive narcissistic mother is an enormous achievement. This is a process of many steps forward and at times, movements backwards but the goal seen ahead is one of ever-deepening belief in one's original self, an independence of mind, the full use of one's creative gifts and the knowing that you are a loving human being,: unique and wonderful. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Older Sister Torments Her Younger Sibling

Standing in the shadow of a narcissistic older sister is a very difficult and painful role. We didn't ask to be placed in our birth order. Often there are rivalries among siblings but when you are the younger one who must answer to an impossible older sister, you live in a state of anxious suspension. Some younger sisters look up to the elder one, viewing her extreme self confidence and feelings of entitlement as something to be  admired and emulated. When her mood shifts darkly the narcissistic older sister turns very ugly. The narcissist views her sister as inferior, defective, inept and unattractive. In fact she is ashamed of her younger sibling. In reality the opposite is true. The younger sister(s) is often quite bright, creative, considerate of others and appealing. In fact it is older sister who is so envious that she seethes with a rage that boils within her and at times erupts in uncontrollable verbal attacks and recriminations. Alone with the narcissist, the younger one is humiliated and screamed at, told she is worthless, that mother never wanted her and she is the favorite. "You were an afterthought, an accident of fate."

These cruelties continue throughout childhood and often beyond. Many younger sisters believe these horrendous projections and internalize them. They view themselves as "less than", "not enough".  When the mother is emotionally unavailable or a narcissist herself, it is impossible for the child who has been emotionally hurt to find a safe personal alliance, a loving person to whom she can go and seek refuge. The younger daughter feels lost and alone. Some younger daughters hide their deep hurt feelings and numb themselves so that they can perform in school, make an effort to have friends and dismiss the innumerable cruelties dispensed by the older sister whom they once loved and admired. Some sisters are so desperate that they continue their search for love and acceptance, finding other narcissists who end up disposing of and hurting them all over again. Some younger sisters follow this destructive pattern through marriage to a narcissistic man. It can take them a long time to recognize that they are repeating a familiar pattern that hurts them and eclipses their lives.

There is a time of reckoning that occurs to many victims of narcissistic overbearing, cold, cruel older sisters. They search and find the answer. They realize that they have been playing the role of victim all of this time. They research the narcissistic personality, see their life pattern clearly and decide to stop the cycle of abuse.

With the help of high quality psychotherapy in some cases, finding friends whom they trust and know that appreciate them as unique and valuable, spending solitary time quieting the mind and learning to calm the nervous system, these sisters come into their own. They assert themselves. They are proud of who they are and own their true identities. The narcissistic familial thicket of thorns has been left behind. The pathway to a
renewed life has begun.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Women Making Mincemeat of Their Paramours

There are narcissistic women who are particularly skilled at finding male paramours whom they can completely control. They have no limitations to their wants and needs. The illicit lover is the best catch. After all, he is married and tied up in a legal bond (until he breaks it) This provides this narcissistic conniver with plenty of time for adventures with other men. Narcissistic women of this ilk make sure that they have a spare man or two around just in case the current affair gets too bumpy or even goes off the tracks. The partner is in an altered adoring state over his beloved. What this fellow doesn't know is that he is being taken for a wild ride.These she-devils are takers only. They love bling, expensive clothes, ongoing spa treatments, and jewelry that is heavy on the fingers. NW acquire cold cash, investments even property that have been spirited away by the love to make his gal happy and beaming.

For men uninitiated in these practices, be sure to learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. You don't want to get yourself into this psychological, emotional and financial quicksand. Don't wait 'til you are up to your neck and being pulled under. Narcissistic women of this kind are plotters and planners. They know exactly what they are doing. They use their beauty and sex to play every man that suits their fancy. Their lists of broken male hearts are exceedingly long. Watch for the NPD characteristics: complete lack of empathy, chronic lying (hard to detect but use your intuition and you will identify it), constant manipulations, empty promises, duplicity, exploitation and outbursts of volcanic rage. When the first red flags are waving in the wind about this gorgeous woman, pay close attention----She is a narcissistic personality disorder who is not going to change. Why should she? She is perfect. You have the flaws. She is wonderful and will replace you with someone else.

Above all, take care of yourself. When you feel that intense chemistry coming from a NPD , take a flyer. It's worth getting away. These dramas have very unhappy endings for the male paramour. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You are Wiser than Your Narcissistic Spouse--Sever the Cord

Narcissists are clever at attempting to make us doubt our inner wisdom. They intimidate and tempt us at the same time. Those with narcissists are in a state of chronic apprehension. "What will he/she do next?" "What have I done wrong?" "Am I as stupid as he/she keeps telling me?"On the other side of the coin are what the narcissist brings to the table and offers us. For some there are financial benefits and lifestyle perks connected with being the spouse of a narcissist. He has no ambition limits (nor does the narcissistic woman).. He knows exactly how to climb, with whom to become indispensable and whom he must get rid of that blocks his ruthless path.  The narcissist throws anyone overboard to attain his grandiose ambitions, including his so-called friends. These can be individuals whom he has known for years. He has no loyalty to anyone, including you. 

Always remember, you are wiser than your narcissistic spouse. You will see many red flags and ignore a lot of them. You will hear the clear voice of intuition, telling you the truth about your narcissistic spouse. Pay attention to what you hear. It is telling you the truth. Don't allow yourself to be pulled back in with his/her seductive offerings. They are designed to make you more dependent on him and to keep you from achieving your full personal and professional potential.  

Once you know who this man/woman really is, create a step by step plan to extricate yourself from the relationship. Cut the cord. If you wait too long, you will become more entangled in his lies, insidious psychological traps and mind bending.

Acknowledge and own your wisdom. This is the key along with your intuition---the ace that you have been hiding at the bottom of your deck. Use it now and for the rest of your life. The more that you activate these gifts the more powerful they become. The narcissist is a weak coward, a false grandiose self, "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."  Develop a practice of stilling the mind. This can take any form that works for you. Make an effort each day. If you miss a day or weeks, return to your practice. This can be formal meditation, sitting and walking, writing each day spontaneously, working with plants in a garden or small space, sketching, painting, walking in a quiet place, doing gentle yoga movements with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the nervous system. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sons of Narcissistic Mothers Despise Them

Narcissistic mothers often have an iron hold on their sons. These mothers appear to adore their sons over their daughters an shower them with all of the attention and adulation. There are sons of narcissistic mothers who become narcissists and the two of them are fused in a highly pathological and destructive psychological duo.

Those sons who are not narcissistic have a rough time of it. They feel their mother's narcissistic claws  at the ready to get a hold of them and not let go until she possesses them. Narcissists believe that everything belongs to them, including their children,with whom they can fuse, neglect or discard. The narcissistic mother demands her son's attention. She cannot be attuned to her child but rather is bent on molding him into what she believes is another replica of her perfect self. These sons are both intimidated  and feel deep hatred of a so-called mother who blocks their way toward psychological independence, the fulfillment and promise of their masculinity and the use of the potential and appreciation of their individuality. Some sons feel obligated to the narcissistic mother and spend much of their lives trying to please these impossible creatures. This interrupts the natural growth of the child and young adult. Often the father in these families is psychologically weak and emasculated. That is why the narcissistic mother has chosen him---someone whom she can fully control, manipulate and deceive.

Men psychologically possessed by their narcissistic mothers have difficulty with emotional intimacies.  Unconsciously, they belong to mother. How can they  give themselves to a partner when they cannot be separate from her. There are sons who make the break from their narcissistic mothers. It can be a tough battle. The NM infuses guilt. She is a drama queen, insisting on her way despite the psychological damage that is incurred by her son. Some sons remain pleasers and feel guilty if they don't fulfill their mother's wishes. Inside they are torn between deep feelings of obligation and enraged that they are still umbilically tied to their NM.

Those who achieve the separation are freed to feel and express their uniqueness, to use their individual potential in every way, to be creative, to activate their spontaneity.  Some sons of NMs benefit from excellent psychotherapy. When choosing a therapist, interview until you find the one that is best for you. This professional must be capable of attuning himself/herself to you, have well developed empathy besides a solid academic and clinical background. Make sure that the therapist does not have a money motive and is not a narcissist. This can and does happen. Some of the "most qualified " psychotherapists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc. are narcissistic personality disorders. Stay away from them; they can be very charming and convincing.

There are many avenues to healing. Learn to calm your nervous systems through methods that work best for you--gentle hatha yoga with emphasis of breathing through the nose, a form of meditation or inner quiet that you can do regularly, spending time with people who appreciate you and are excellent listeners.

Some sons of NMs make a decision to go no contact with their mothers to stop the constant interference, blowups, accusations, recriminations, etc. This is your judgment call.

Above all, respect yourself. You are evolving and growing each moment. You are becoming free. Time for celebration. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life 
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Suffer Maternal Deprivation

Maternal deprivation is the absence of care, lack of affection, holding, looking into your child's eyes giving the message: "I love you do much",  listening intently to your daughter's messages, verbal and nonverbal.  The narcissistic non mother removes all the joy from her daughter's life. Narcissistic mothers live for themselves alone. Often they are envious of their daughter's beauty, talents, intelligence, exuberant personality. They hate their child's spontaneity and pick away with their nasty criticisms. Some daughters learn to conceal their true feelings. Others become emotionally numb. Some harbor a deep mother rage inside that they turn on themselves and becomes self loathing. 

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have difficult life struggles, learning to fully love their unique selves and celebrating it. 

To break the yoke attached to the narcissistic mothers they must recognize that they bear no fault 

They are separate from the cold ungiving selfish self absorbed woman who didn't raise them. These daughters do the hard work of healing themselves and emerging as strong, loving, gifted women. Many benefit from psychotherapy, nurturing relationships with friends who understand them, spiritual practices that create calmness deep within them,creative pursuits that are healing and transformative, giving their care and affection to others who feel unloved and unwanted. 

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can and do come fully into the own true identities. They can prevail over the past and live fully in the present, expanding and growing all of their potential. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation:United States and International

Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com