Monday, October 31, 2011

Narcissists Feel Great-They Make Others Feel Miserable

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill---psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become increasingly difficult. There are exceptions---those who buy in to the narcissist's delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist's power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down--that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them.

Those who live with the narcissist who are not deluded are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives "shut up" money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained --they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse---day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical master. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time--they just aren't public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to father narcissist.

How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child's stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change------ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet.

Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning--changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Narcissists Preserve Their Image-Their Lives Depends on It

Narcissists create, build and maintain their Image as if their lives depended on it. In many ways it does since this is their identity. The narcissist's outer shell--the elaborate perfect facade is what he/she projects in the world. This image is priceless to him--the air that he breathes. From the time most narcissists were very small they developed a false sense of self. An essential part of this self is Image---physical attractiveness, extreme confidence, tremendous drive, no sense of limits, the ability to magnetize, manipulate and control others. This is a time of growing pathological narcissism.

Wherever we go, we are confronted with the priceless image. In our television ads, productions and throughout the media--- youth , beauty, sexiness, handsomeness, athleticism, social confidence are presented as essential  to life success. It is possible to have all of these qualities and not be a narcissist. I am speaking about a personality that is based solely on these attributes. There is no room here for the inner self that introspects, is capable of loving relationships despite one's social class or financial status, empathy --the capacity to understand and feel on a deep level what someone else is experiencing, the alleviation of the pain of others through kindness, the ability to perceive oneself clearly--the positive and the negative and make changes that move toward inner personal growth throughout a lifetime.

The narcissist comes to us as a beautifully wrapped package. When you unwrap it, going through the layers, you find more image not substance. Narcissists convince most people that what they are seeing and experiencing in them is real. They believe and are taken in by the elaborate series of masks. In the beginning of a "relationship" with a narcissist most people are dazzled by this person's charm, their powerful personality vibration, the way they are fixated on you. If a narcissist decides that you are the person he wants at this time, he/she will go after you at full force. He lets you know that he has singled you out from everyone else on earth to be the chosen one because you are so special. Narcissists use gifts--often surprising and sometimes extravagant ones to impress and sweep you away. They pay constant attention to you that is flattering and often spell binding. They have been studying you and know how you think and what you most desire. They know your weaknesses and impulsivities. You have become their project since they intend to seduce you in various ways. They intend to become unforgettable to you. They are relentless in their attention.  Narcissists are inclined to possess those whom they choose to be part of their inner circle. They need partners who will become part of the golden image that they project on to the world and that is their reality. It is difficult to say "no" to someone who is coming toward you with such gifts of seduction. We want to believe that we are the most important person in the world to this irresistible individual. We all want to be "the one." That is a deep desire within us as human beings. If we take this elaborate bait and are carried up and give ourselves to the narcissist we are becoming part of his/her world. At first the special treatment is glorious. We feel giddy-drunk with this level of attention and the feeling that we can have anything we want. When we are finally seduced and join the narcissist through marriage or partnership, we share his/her life as his/her terms. That's the agreement. Narcissist make deals not relationships.

After being married to a narcissist (sometimes before) we notice significant cracks in the too good to be true image. There are burst of rage that come from nowhere. We are criticized for something we didn't do; the narcissist verbally picks at us incessantly, putting us down with cruel comments and hateful glances. We try to please him/her. Nothing works. What we are experiencing is the dark core of the narcissist behind the mask---that part of the self that is seething beneath the surface. Those who live with him when the doors and windows are shut are subjected to the Jekyll/Hyde treatment. It is an ugly and frightening experience. Mr. Hyde is out, glowering up close at your face; projecting his psychological sputum on to you. The screaming starts and never seems to end;  accusations fly; defamations spew; threats charge the air.  How much of this are you willing to take. Hopefully, you can say to yourself: "Enough"!

Regardless of what you do, the rigid narcissistic personality remains immutable---fixed, cold, cruel, conniving, exploitive, highly abusive, inhumane. Learning about the narcissistic personality in all of its facets will help you in the present relationship and in the future. For more information about this personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, October 28, 2011

Covert Narcissistic Siblings Pull You Down and Feel Superior

Covert narcissists are convincing pretenders. They play the part of the "good person." They fool almost everyone.---even professional therapists. They are a sly lot;  They walk around being so "helpful and indispensable" to members of their family, friends, business associates. Most people are sure that they are individuals of high character, above reproach.

If you have a sibling who is a covert narcissist you have been emotionally hurt many times without understanding why. Some humiliated siblings blame themselves and feel inferior and worthless. The covert narcissistic sibling plays a back and forth game---rushing in the be your best friend and confidante one moment--someone you can trust completely--- to tearing your down with the cruelest words and  humiliations. They lash out at you, mercilessly. You think you understand your brother or sister. You don't until you study and comprehend the inner workings of the narcissistic personality disorder. In the worst cases one of the parents takes sides with the covert narcissist in complete ignorance of his/her child's true dark nature. The covert narcissist is talented at making others feel good about themselves when they want something from you. They are known to be giving and caring by business associates and social acquaintances.

When we talk about family dynamics the picture is the reverse.The covert narcissistic sibling is always competing with you to win at any cost. As he/she pretends to care deeply about you, he does everything he can to tear you down. When you are at your lowest ebb and let down that you are having a miserable time---that's when these clever vipers strike the hardest to break you. They have caught you off guard, know that you are weak and desperate and have come in to orchestrate their psychologically fatal blow. This coup d'grace demonstrates to them that they have defeated you for good. You may have held a high place in the family before but now you are a loser, a weakened, diminished version of yourself. They bask in getting the better of you. Always remember this when they turn on the perfected pseudo empathy and words of "deep concern" about your condition.

Learn to stop the cycle of this sadistic game. The covert narcissistic sibling will continue to trick, terrorize and wear you down to ultimate desperation.---to get their pound of flesh. Since they are not going to stop their attacks or their highly pathological behaviors, you are the one to change your attitude and behavior toward them. First, recognize that you are the sibling of a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. This person is not a good candidate for psychotherapy because beneath the false modesty and pseudo humility is an individual who feels superior to you and every one else. This is a narcissistic personality disorder wearing a very convincing facade. Once you understand this, you will be relieved and stop trying to change them or blame yourself. Practice self assertion. Do not let your sibling trespass your personal boundaries. You deserve respect. In many cases grown siblings make a decision to have limited contact with the narcissistic brother or sister. In some instances the non-narcissistic sibling decides to sever the relationship and move forward with his/her life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Protect Yourself from Narcissistic and Sociopathic Psychiatrists-Psychotherapists

At this time when narcissists and socialized sociopaths are rewarded by the media, the film industry, television, politicians, wall street, etc. it is crucial that you learn to deal with narcissistic and sociopathic psychiatrists and psychotherapists that people encounter every day and are victimized as a result.  When an individual reaches a point of extreme psychological and emotional crisis, he is vulnerable and in need of excellent professional help with someone who has a fine character and the highest ethical values. A well trained and educated psychiatrist or psychotherapist can be very harmful to a patient if he/she is a narcissist or socialized sociopath. Some narcissists/sociopaths decide early on that they want to go into this "business" in order to profit from it. They know that they will be working with people who are feeling desperate and come to depend on them. That's what they want--a person whom they can control who will never question them. When a person is in an extreme level of duress he/she will quickly bond with a psychiatrist or psychotherapist who is likable, appears to be empathic, has a commanding personality and is highly confident. It can be true that an excellent professional may possess all of these qualities and be an excellent practitioner. But there are the exceptions--those psychiatrists and psychotherapists who depend on vulnerable clients who are specifically there to increase the size of their bank accounts, stock portfolios and properties. In some cases the patient will be in "therapy" with this professional for a decade or more. The therapist is simply collecting the fees, insisting that the patient come to several sessions a week---all he while creating serious dependence. As a result the patient is not improving; he/she is regressing. Some psychiatrists put patients on the wrong drug and/or dosage. As long as they don't get sued it doesn't matter to them. In some particularly egregious cases psychiatrists and psychotherapist have sex with a patient(s) , causing severe psychological damage. I have heard of cases where patients were put into a deep psychological regression as a result of these illegal and heinous acts.When accused clever sociopaths find ways to skip away from their crimes.

Learn to protect yourself from these predators. Check the professional's credential carefully. Interview several professionals so that you have a way of making comparisons. Check for criminal and civil offenses with the state boards. Pay close attention to your intuition. If you get a sense that something is "off" with this person--I don't care if they are highly recommended---don't hire them. They will do you harm. If the practitioner is forceful with you or intimidating--pay close attention. There is a shadow over this individual, a dark one. You don't want to share any aspect of your life with this person. If you have to leave the office of one of these practitioners---do so. I know several people have have done just that. They made the right decision. They confronted the professional, blew them out of the water and said: "This interview is over." You exit and never return. Good for you. You made an excellent decision. Do not be dazzled by all of his degrees, accolades, the hype about a particular psychiatrist or psychotherapist. As a matter of fact do not be over-impressed with any one's formal education. Make them prove themselves. Bring your self confidence and self assertion to the forefront. You deserve to be treated with complete respect as an intelligent, feeling, competent human being. Always remember this; imprint this truth in your mind and heart. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, October 24, 2011

Bloodless Sociopaths-Idenify Them-Get Them Out of Your Life

I use the term Bloodless Sociopaths to describe a psychopath who doesn't physically harm people or rip a wallet out of your hands or rob a bank. No, these individuals are much too obvious. Bloodless sociopaths take your life away from you much more cleverly.First they seduce you with their personal magnetism, their remarkable self confidence and the way they can read you and know exactly what will make them irresistible to you. They have played this game so many times they can do it in their sleep. They make promises that you believe, drawing pictures of an idyllic life with them. After all of the excitement quiets down, you begin to experience the sociopath and the depth of his cruelties. Sociopaths will not take no for answer. You either do it their way or there will be painful consequences. Sociopaths enter your mind and play games with your thoughts. In some cases the woman who marries a sociopath becomes brainwashed by this individual and no longer has a mind of her own. The sociopath is bent on using you and your gifts to the hilt. He or she is an ultimate controller. He is a Svengali, creating a perfect image for you so that you fit into his social and business milieu. If you turn against the narcissist and recognize how venal and treacherous he really he, he turns extremely ugly and threatens you. He will ruin your life and your reputation. You will be left without an financial security. He will take full custody of the children. In many cases the sociopath wins---in divorce court, by hiding his assets and in custody battles. He psychologically beats his spouse to a pulp. This is not done with a closed fist but through mental torture that keeps you up at night with your heart pounding. You are always wondering--What is he going to do next to destroy me permanently? This is no way to live. You deserve to live in independence with your creative gifts and deep inner peace. Keep yourself physically, psychologically and emotionally strong and learn about the sociopathic personality in great depth. Always trust the voice inside that is warning you to keep your distance from a certain irresistible man that is after you. He want something---to take over your life. To learn about the narcissistic personality and various aspects of the narcissistic sociopath, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, October 21, 2011

Cruel Duality of the Narcissistic Spouse

There is a common theme that runs through marriages with narcissists. This is the strong outer image that the narcissist has created that convinces everyone around him that he/she is a delightful, charming, caring human being--someone who goes out of his way for others and is highly successful at the same time. Everyone on the outside looks up to these narcissistic wonders asking themselves--Why can't I have this polish, charm and self confidence. What's the matter with me? There is nothing the matter with you. You are only viewing one side of the narcissist---the fully burnished public image. The narcissist builds and protects this image with his life. It is everything to him.  The narcissist conceals a duality beneath the ingratiating compelling smile---the Shadow. In his/her private life the narcissist is unveiled--fully revealed. Narcissists are deceptive, craven, venal, exploitive, explosive, manipulative and completely lack empathy. If their wives and children could speak they would tell you stories that are hair raising. The narcissist is a dictator in his home. Everyone must obey him or else. His constant criticisms are legion. His lies are endless; his manipulations are astounding. He/she absolutely cannot put himself into someone else's place and know what they are experiencing on a feeling level. Narcissists are psychologically violent to their spouses in particular. At times they are physically violent as well. Most of them get away with this savage treatment because the non-narcissistic spouse is too afraid and doesn't feel that she has a voice of her own. Some of those who marry narcissists were treated cruelly in their childhoods and have continued this expectation in their marriages.

It doesn't matter what the narcissist has attained professionally. He/she can be highly educated, very successful or non-educated and unsuccessful, rich or poor or in between---he is still a narcissist and has a fixed personality disorder that does not change. More people need to speak up about the total series of hells that narcissists put their families through. It is an ugly moving picture.

When you meet and get to know someone who is a narcissist and are remarking to yourself how extraordinary they are, remembers that they are two-faced--under the sway of a dark duality that controls all of their thoughts and actions.

Those who free themselves from narcissistic spouses recognize that they can take a full breath of clear air. They think and feel and create in freedom, resurrect their joy and celebrate their lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Narcissists are Forceful--Starting with the Handshake and Gaze

Many narcissists begin their act by letting you know that they are in control of everything, including you. I have had narcissists upon introduction give me an overpowering handshake. It smarted.  This doesn't mean that a strong handshake is negative; it can mean confidence and self assertion. I am speaking about narcissists who come on strong from the beginning. They look directly in your eyes, riveting their gaze to yours simultaneously with the intimidating shake.  I have watched these narcissists go on to overpower people by the force of their personalities. So many individuals are impressed with people who are strong, self entitled and highly successful.

You may feel inferior in their presence. This reaction is tailor made for them to overwhelm you with fear, awe and/or dread. If the narcissist is in a position of authority like an attorney, psychiatrist, judge, CEO, etc. we are inclined to relinquish our power to them. This is a serious mistake. No one has the right to control or intimidate you, especially spouses, ex-spouses, siblings and professionals that you hire. Learn to watch these clever actors closely. Your keen observations and intuition will tell you that they are out of line. You get a sense that you are being forced by the willfulness of this individual to do what they want. When you try to reason with them, they will not listen and raise the volume on their "certainty." If this escalates they are clever at scaring people. They paint catastrophes that will befall you if you do not listen and exactly what they say.

When you hire someone as an expert--a lawyer, doctor, therapist, etc. ---they are working for you. Your knowledge and research is valuable. If they disparage your questions, treat you with disrespect by not listening or blowing off your observations, you know that you are dealing with someone who functions to control others to gain mastery over them (and often their money if there are fees involved.) These narcissists are always looking for victims. They sense weaknesses and unsureness--that's the master predator at work. Beat him/her at his ugly game through knowledge, your intuition, strong self assertion and self respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, October 17, 2011

Narcissistic Doctors-Always Right-Never Wrong

Have you ever tried questioning a narcissistic physician? You may not have known in the beginning that this demi-god was a narcissist. With tremendous confidence and presence and walls covered with diplomas from the finest institutions of medicine, why would you ever suspect that the man or woman standing before you is so narcissistic that he/she believes that he can never be wrong--not in the consultation room, examining room, reading medical reports, in the emergency room, in the surgical suite.


 There are incredibly skilled and ethical physicians and surgeons that  perform impeccably as professionals and save and reconstruct lives with their expertise, deep understanding of the human body and mind and their total dedication to their patients.

I am speaking about narcissists who became doctors because they knew very early in their lives that was where the money, power, control over others, perks and admiration was centered. Did these narcissists want to become primary care doctors. Of course not. They knew exactly where they were going--to the specialties--radiology, orthopaedics, oncology, plastic surgery, anesthesiology, etc. There are some highly gifted, dedicated specialists who are not narcissists and care deeply about their patients. We need them.

I have heard too many life stories from the wives and husbands of narcissistic doctors who have spent years sustaining one form of abuse after another--mental, psychological, emotional, physical. They are demeaned, humiliated, criticized constantly. They have children and hope that this will bring the narcissist closer to them--by creating a family. Narcissistic doctors like all narcissists love the look of the perfect family tableau. This is an intricate part of their narcissistic supply.But they cannot be hands on--Take the beautiful family portrait, put it in a prominent place to be seen. Yes there are trips and treks but all of this is run by the narcissist. In some cases there are generations of narcissistic physicians. Most people are so in awe of doctors that they would never think that they could be wrong---gravely wrong!

I know of too many mis-diagnoses by narcissistic physicians. There are incorrect diagnoses by non-narcissistic doctors. In the case of the narcissists, they will find a way not to be wrong at all costs. If a family member asks them a question, watch out. You will be put in your place. Narcissistic doctors know how to whittle most people down to size. You are not most people. You are an intelligent, thoughtful, caring human being and have a right to seek and know the truth about your medical condition or as an advocate for someone else. Don't sell yourself short. I have seen first hand instances in which the researching lay person knew the diagnosis and the narcissistic doctor was in error (and would never admit it). Some narcissistic doctors go for the quick fix---not the cause. That bores them. They want to get on to the next patient, the next intricate procedure or surgery that will make them feel even more superior---stratospheric.

Trust your wisdom and your intuition. Don't let anyone manipulate or intimidate you---especially a narcissistic doctor. If you are the patient, remember it is your life and welfare, not theirs. If you are an advocate, stand strong and be clear about your right to ask questions and receive highly informed detailed answers. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Don't Have Children with a Narcissist

I hear too many life stories that begin continue and end with great psychological pain and regret that involve having children with a narcissistic spouse. Very often the non-narcissistic spouse has no idea that he or she has fallen in love with a narcissistic personality. After all, these individuals are so full of charm, confidence and they appear to be so enamored of us. How can we resist them! Many people can't and don't know whom they are marrying. When the time comes to have children, there are no questions or doubts. The non-narcissistic spouse has had some inklings that she is married to a person who is very self absorbed, selfish, emotionally cool, is subject to forms of rage and ranting and is incapable of taking another person's feelings and concerns to heart.

The time of reckoning often comes with the arrival of children. The narcissistic spouse is not invested in the daily and lifelong commitments to being emotionally available, loving, caring, affectionate with his/her child. Some narcissists are workaholics (that's what they say when they are not at home) and have a hand's off attitude toward their children. They go through the motions. There is a short morning greeting and maybe a goodnight hug. Very often the narcissistic parent sees very little of his children during the week. On weekends he is out with his buddies playing golf, riding his motorcycle, going to a favorite watering hole with friends. When the child wants to see daddy or mommy these narcissistic parents are buried in their work they brought home. They shut the home office door and are completely uncommunicative. Many children of narcissistic parents report that they rarely saw their mother and/or father. They were on their own most of the time. Lonely days after school if both people are working  and one or even two narcissistic parents make for painful psychological feelings of rejection, worthlessness, sadness, deep anger, psychological numbing.

If you strongly suspect that the person you are planning to marry ---DON'T. If you believe that your spouse is a narcissist and have done the research---don't have children with this person. Narcissists make our lives much more difficult if not impossible. And what they do to children is emotionally dreadful. Some of their children become narcissists themselves and move on to hurt others and the cycle is unending.

If you are married to a narcissist and have children, do your best. Don't blame yourself. You didn't know whom you had married. You will love and protect them every way you can. If you decide to sever the relationship, know that you have the strength and knowledge to do this. Trust your intuition, your support group of friends and your personal psychological solidity to get through this process. Move forward with your life with a steady, solid step, knowing that you have done your best.  To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com  
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, October 10, 2011

Narcissists are Shameful---but Shameless

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion most of us experience. When we are shamed, we feel like we want to disappear, to become invisible. Shame is an intolerable feeling. We are humiliated and feel very small, even non-existent. Children who have been shamed by their parent (s) often carry these feelings into adulthood. Deeply ingrained shame can lead to a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness and not having a solid resilient sense of self.

The narcissistic personality is the opposite. He or she can commit the cruelest acts and say the meanest words to another with the intention of hurting them and feel absolutely no shame or guilt as a result. A narcissist can watch the withering blows that his raging has on his victim and not even blink. He views this person as weak and insignificant, someone who is worthless. Narcissists have no sense of limits. They lead their lives without the borders of decency, compassion or conscience. Their speed on life's highway is always full throttle even when their malicious and careless behaviors psychological, financially and emotionally harm the lives of others, even their own families. Narcissists go to any lengths to get what they want. If a sibling is in the way of their collecting on a parent's will, they will make sure that they become very cozy with their elderly relative, spread  convincing lies about the brother or sister and successfully pressure the aging parent to let them take charge of all of their financial matters. This happens all the time.


Male and female narcissists are particularly shameful when it comes to personal, intimate relationships, including marriage. To most narcissists, marriage is not a true union---it is a one sided business deal. Narcissists write their own marriage vows--"I will do what works for me. When you (my spouse) no longer fulfill my needs or desires or my narcissistic supplies, I will discard you without notice." This is the unstated but true marriage deal that one makes with a narcissist. Even if a marriage lasts for several decades you can be sure that the narcissistic partner is doing a lot of "sexual free-lancing" on the side. Narcissists are highly skilled at juggling women. If the narcissistic partner is exposed, he tells an easy lie and moves on.

Narcissists are not good parents. They are too self absorbed, greedy and self entitled to give their attention and care to a small child. They will make sure that the family photos are seen by all of those who count. This is part of their elaborate image that must be perpetuated. They are not hands on parents. Children of narcissistic parents often speak of how they were abandoned, forgotten or never remembered. Mother or father was too busy working and having a good time to be with kids. Some narcissistic parents buy their kids off, offering them gifts rather than affection, attention or empathy. The narcissistic parent believes that he is a good human being and has done everything possible for his children. Narcissistic mothers and fathers will choose one child who is a standout--pretty, handsome, very bright, talented--to be the perfect reflection of themselves. They mold this child in their likeness and believe that he or she can do no wrong and is superior to the other children. Unfortunately, some of these children become narcissists who grow up to be shameful and shameless, cruel and duplicitous like their parent (s).

Become knowledgeable about the narcissistic personality. Appreciate who you are as an individual, draw clear psychological boundaries and use your special gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Saturday, October 8, 2011

Are You Still Buttering Your Narcissistic Husband's Toast?

I have actually witnessed a woman married to a narcissistic spouse in a restaurant, cutting up her narcissistic husband's steak in perfect bite size pieces. She sat there throughout the meal, hanging on his every word. These women believe they have made a good bargain. Some of them have financial security which is crucial to them and they are willing to pay for it with their lives.

Narcissistic husbands have rules that their wives must obey. They are part of his elaborate image that keeps his ego inflated.

Being married to a narcissist narrows your mind and your life. Some wives learn to detach psychologically and pursue their own careers but this is not a marriage is a business arrangement.

Married to a narcissist you are living each day in the sympathetic nervous system. Hyper vigilant, apprehensive---you can never let down in your fight or flight mode. To preserve your psychological and emotional well being you need to learn to switch to the parasympathetic nervous system of calm, relaxation and ease.

Married to a narcissistic husband you are expendable, Even you have have been with him for  fifteen to twenty years, it is very possible that your spouse has been cheating a you a number of times. Narcissists change partners and find women who are younger, more exciting and desirable to them. They need trophies not wives.

If you make the decision to separate from your narcissistic husband your healing begins. Some women seek high quality professional psychotherapy and find it very helpful. Be sure to take the time to find a good therapist. Interview several. Cardiovascular exercise is an excellent way to increase your stamina, strength, obtain endorphins which lift the mood and to gain a sense of inner peace. Gentle hatha yoga with its emphasis on the breath calms the body, mind and spirit. Some spouses that daily or weekly journaling  offers them a cathartic way to express their feelings and thoughts openly, creatively and freely that is part of their renewed lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists Beat You Up--Then Call To See How You Are

Covert narcissists are highly competitive in very sneaky ways. If you are a sibling, cousin, half brother or half sister of a covert narcissist it can be confusing due to their circuitous back and forth behavior and attitudes toward you.  Covert narcissists have their roles down so masterfully that it is easy to slip back into trusting them. They effect a phenomenal replication of pseudo empathy. They may dramatically call to ask how you are and convincingly pretend to care. They don't.

Covert Narcissists are always playing the game of who's up and who's down. A competitive narcissistic relative will do everything he/she can to bring you down and keep you there. They call you from time to time to make sure that you are in the doldrums, that you are experiencing a very tough personal time. The narcissistic sibling or family member blames you for your  misfortunes. You are weak; you made a lot of mistakes; you need to make of an effort and stop gripping. At the same time, they point out--working on your last nerve--that they have succeeded by working hard, being so smart. Part of the reason that they are doing so well is that some aspects of success are based on luck and the business and personal contacts a person has and uses. Covert narcissists cleverly name drop about all of the important people that they know and who surround their power circle.

Do you need someone in your life who thrashes you psychologically and then turns around with phony concern with how you are doing? This cruel act has worn thin. You don't need  any sibling, cousin or another relative who keeps rubbing in your pain and cheer leading  their superiority and success. You don't deserve this abusive treatment. Don't put up with it! Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Appreciate your unique individuality and all of your creative gifts. Detach from these noxious tactics. To learn about every facet of narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissist Siblings Beat You Up--Then Call to See How You Are Doing

Covert narcissists are highly competitive in very sneaky ways. If you are a sibling of a covert narcissist it can be confusing due to their circuitous back and forth behavior and attitudes toward you.  Covert narcissists have their roles down so masterfully that it is easy to slip back into trusting them. They effect a phenomenal replication of pseudo empathy. They may dramatically call to ask how you are and convincingly pretend to care. They don't. Perhaps for that moment or a short period of time they play the heroic role but that is very time limited.
Covert Narcissists are always playing the game of who's up and who's down. A competitive narcissistic sibling will do everything he/she can to bring you down and keep you there. They call you from time to time to make sure that you are in the doldrums, that you are experiencing a very tough personal and economic time. The narcissistic sibling blames you for your  misfortunes. You are weak; you made a lot of mistakes; you need to try harder.At the same time, they point out--working on your last nerve--that they have succeeded by working hard, being prudent and smart. Part of the reason that they are doing so well is that some aspects of success are based on luck and the business and personal contacts a person has and uses. Covert narcissists name drop about all of the important people that they know and are part of their power circle. They let you know how much power they wield in the world and the brilliant investments they have made. Nothing has f                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
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Thursday, October 6, 2011

Queen Bee Narcissistic Sister Rules over Mother-Father-Siblings

It is difficult to imagine that a little girl can control an entire household. Those of you who have been tyrannized by a sibling of this kind understand all too well. From early childhood this daughter was allowed by her parents to kick, demand, scream, bribe, cajole and threaten her parents. If they didn't cave in to her wishes all hell would break loose. The parents were terrified of "upsetting" their little darling and capitulated to her wishes. This relinquishing of their roles was pivotal in creating a narcissistic personality disorder.With a sense of no limits, "You can do nothing wrong attitude", "we are afraid to impose respectful behavior on you"---she grew in size, outrageous demands and reprehensible behavior.

Queen Bee narcissists are physically abusive and emotionally cruel to their siblings. They perpetrate their treachery on the younger, weaker ones. When the parents are out of sight, they are free to shove, push, squeeze and hit their younger siblings. The secret threat to this terrified child is: "If you say one word to mom or dad---I will hit you even harder. Mom and dad believe me not you. Shut your mouth, don't say a word--If you disobey me, you will be very sorry."  Some Queen Bees lock infant siblings in closets for hours when mom and dad are out. The wretched screams of sheer terror coming from the locked dark space doesn't phase the QB. In fact she gets a certain pleasure and feeling of complete control from these heinous acts.

I have had communications with those who were trip-wired throughout their childhoods and adulthoods by these cruel, ruthless narcissistic queens of the household. These little girls who grow up to be psychological monsters have spent much of their time making the lives of their siblings a daily living hell.

I have known of Queen Bees who wouldn't invite a sibling to her wedding because she was ashamed of his/her lack of education or how they looked. The Queen Bee always wins these battles. She still has the parents under her control and intimidation. In some cases one sibling will become her servant---a Queen Bee Wanna Be. She follows in her shadow, lapping up any compliments and commands she can collect.

Healing from the wrath and malevolent behaviors of the QB sibling can be done. It first requires the recognition that you were victimized by a very disturbed human being. You are not weak. Your sibling is a severe narcissistic personality disorder and in some cases, a sociopath. Your parents are weak and ineffective and allowed themselves to be taken over by one of their own children. They helped to create a monster who still walks the earth.

This is your time to detach and sever your relationship from the narcissistic Queen Bee. When you take this step, you are renewing your own life, valuing yourself as a unique individual and gaining a sense of respite and inner peace that you deserve. Do this for yourself. Do not be concerned what other family members think or say. This is your business not theirs. If mother and father are perplexed about your decision that is their issue. They never protected you from this dreadful person. Some adult children of Queen Bee sisters find that quality psychotherapy is helpful to them. Be sure you get an excellent therapist. It is worth taking the time and effort and research to do this. Learning how to calm you body and mind through yoga, tai chi and various forms of meditation get you in touch with that interior part of yourself  that is at peace and feels secure. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-Book

Email: lmlphd@then narcissistinyourlife.com





Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Ending Your Relationship With a Toxic Narcissistic Spouse

You have spent years building and working a marital relationship that you believe is solid. The bottom line is that you have been making excuses and blaming yourself for the outrageous behaviors of a spouse who is a narcissistic personality. When he shouted at you and flew into a explosive rage---you told yourself that he was under a lot of stress and couldn't help it.  When felt ill and needed him, he was too busy at the office. You accepted this reason and took care of yourself. When the children came you took charge of them completely because he was deluged with work. He played father but didn't have an emotional investment in his children.  This narcissistic man is uncommunicative (except when he is in your face screaming)  and unempathic. He is highly critical of everything you do. He expects you to be at his disposal day and night. You tell him you are exhausted and he says; "Stop complaining. Buck up and do it. I don't want to hear your excuses!"

You have an ulcer, chronic back pain, migraine headaches, varieties of symptoms you've never experienced before. The sound of his thundering  voice sends your nervous system into full alarm. Is continuing this "relationship" worth giving up your health, your peace of mind, your creativity, the meaning of your own life? This appears to be the case with many women married to narcissistic men; it is most unfortunate and in some cases, tragic.

It is your decision to remain in this toxic stew or to separate or obtain a divorce. Couples therapy with a narcissistic partner does not work. The narcissist plays a skillful game and pretends he is cooperating. In some cases he psychologically flips the therapist and sways this professional person on his side.

As you move through the process of making a decision, take excellent care of yourself. Some spouse find that high quality psychotherapy is helpful to them. Interview a couple of therapists before you make the decision to choose one. Good therapists can be difficult to find. Turn to one or two friends who care deeply about you and will keep you communications with them confidential.  Healing practices like gentle yoga and meditation can help you to move to the parasympathetic nervous system of calm and welling being. Cardiovascular exercise--the kind that appeals to you-- is excellent for reducing stress, increasing endorphins and facilitates good healing sleep. Study the layers of the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Knowledge of this disorder is powerful and will help you tremendously. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, October 3, 2011

Narcissistic Spiritual Gurus Take Your Money and Disrupt Your Life

There are a growing number of "spiritual teachers" who are narcissists. They are among the most magnetic and charismatic of individuals. We have a lot of desperate people today with the economic downturn roller coaster ride, the increasing numbers of narcissists in the society who are making life very difficult for everyone else and the persistence of chronic psychological problems.

Coming to the rescue are "narcissistic gurus" who have all the answers. Charismatic, charming, excellent communicators and story tellers, these individuals are offering courses that promise to reshape your life, to calm you down, even to make you rich. Many of them are covert narcissists who convincing pretend to be humble and unmaterialistic. Your state of mind and soul is their first priority---That's what they say. Narcissistic gurus often come with fine academic credentials. Some are medical doctors or Ph.D.'s. Others call themselves holistic healers, medical intuitives. Their presentations are so smooth that most people are mesmerized by them. Often attractive physically with excellent communications skills, they can captivate any audience within a short period of time. I know of spiritual gurus who travel the world, peddling their packages which cost $1000 to $3000 for less than a week. The goal is enlightenment----the expensive way. What happens if you don't have any money--That's too bad;you are out of the spiritual loop. Where do true spirituality and spending a lot of money and attending a five day seminar meet-----NOWHERE!  (By the way learning how to meditate and reach levels of calmness and deeper consciousness doesn't cost money. It requires your time and dedication). I have watched some of these narcissists for years (Some of them are sociopaths with no conscience whatsoever) When you talk to them at close range, they are cold and dismissive if you are not "yes-ing" them with reverence or breaking a sweat to sign up for their next consciousness raising seminar in some exotic part of the world. Some vulnerable people become addicted to these new age phonies who take your money, speak new age drivel and eclipse your life.

Humble, living simply, empathic---absolutely not! I have seen their self entitled over the top lifestyles, born out of the money that they extract from psychologically vulnerable people. Then you have the spiritual groupies that have to take the latest pseudo spiritual trip to Bhutan or some other corner of the world so that they can brag to all of their friends.

Narcissistic spiritual gurus must be exposed. They are confidence men and women. They don't give a damn about your psychological or spiritual welfare. They live only for themselves, their godlike image and the fruits of their labors---becoming more wealthy and controlling the minds, emotions and psyches of others.

To protect yourself from these pseudo spiritual vipers, study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com