Thursday, September 26, 2013

Image is Reality for Narcissistic Personalities

Today we are bombarded by narcissistic messages--"I am superior, brighter, more attractive and successful than you." "I am more important than most people" This thinking and our society's embracing of it is all part of the narcissism epidemic that surrounds us. It is important to be highly aware of this current reality. There have always been narcissists since we were bipeds. Today narcissistic personalities are rewarded handsomely for having destructive personality traits: ruthlessness, chronic lying, deceit, duplicity, complete lack of empathy, exploitation of others, especially those who are psychologically and emotionally vulnerable.

For the narcissist---image is reality--that perfect look, the smile that gleams with whiter than white teeth, the impeccable wardrobe, the flawless tight skin, the perfectly sculpted body. All this is part of the narcissist's identity. Everything is externalized. People for him or her are objects to be used and disposed of, especially if they are spouses who have become inconvenient when the narcissist decides to move on to the next exciting phase of his life--a younger wife perhaps, a more attractive adoring husband with unlimited amounts of money, a lifestyle of self indulgence. 

The narcissistic image is revered throughout the western world. Beneath the surface where the truth lies, this person  is psychologically empty and carries unconscious feelings of self loathing. One would never think this, watching the narcissist in full regalia and acting at center stage but this is the truth.

Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Arm yourself with this knowledge. It is serve you well in your personal and professional life.

Above all, embrace your authenticity and use all of your creative gifts. You will be surprised what you find in these veins of gold within you. Visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Narcissistic Mothers Conceal Severe Abuse of Their Children

Narcissistic mothers fool most people who are living outside the home, even their close relatives and friends. I hear very sad, tragic life stories from daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers recounting in detail the horrors of their childhoods. In some cases the fathers of the abused children were kept in the dark about the full extent of the chronic abuse. Some dads simply turned the child raising over to his wife and became completely caught up in his career. In some cases the father was suspicious but turned a blind eye to the mental and psychological abuse perpetrated by his narcissistic wife. Like Pontius Pilate, he washed his hands of the whole matter.

No one knew that the NM was highly disturbed, chronically abusive and severely neglectful. Close relatives didn't see through the attractive convincing masks that the narcissistic mother wore. For her this was "Show and Tell" time---an opportunity to brag about her perfect children. The phony act was presented as a direct reflection of her love and devotion to her kids.

Some adult children subjected to this treatment describe their terror state as that of a prisoner in a far off gulag. No matter how they repeatedly tried to deal with mother--begging her that they would do everything to live up to her expectations, asking her for forgiveness for crying or politely requesting that their basic needs for regular meals and sleep be fulfilled. Screaming, even raising your voice was responded to with multiple slaps in the face, out of control spanking and repeated threats of abandonment. This horrid torture treatment began when these children were very small. Victims recollect to me that by the age of three they lived in constant terror--some fearful that they could not tolerate another second.

 Outside the house these mothers are worthy of Oscar winning performances. As a career woman the narcissistic mother takes advantage of every kudo she can get from her fellow business associates. She shows photographs of her children, chirping about them with great enthusiasm and pride. Everyone believes her--why not? NM is a consummate actress who will not be denied playing her star role to the hilt.

I want to express my respect, warmth, affection and gratitude for those who contact me and others who have not who lived through this nightmare every young day of their lives. You deserve great credit. You survived with your integrity and your true self. I am not for a moment disregarding your suffering. It was insurmountable.

I celebrate the unique human being that you are and will always be. May you continue to heal, to create, to feel peace inside and know that you are deeply loved. Visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Stop Cycling Back to the Narcissist for More Torture

I frequently--more times than I can count--hear from men and women who are trapped in a severely painful pattern of returning to their narcissistic spouse or narcissistic parent. Each time they go back they believe that life with the NPD is going to be different. This is not true. With very rare exception --Once A Narcissist Always A Narcissist! If you are involved with a narcissist it may help you to repeat these words to yourself and recognize that you can no longer tolerate sharing your life with this highly pathological person.
I use the word "torture" ("the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain") in the title to emphasize how impossible narcissists make our lives with their multiple cruelties. Sadistic, cold, controlling, treacherous--they gain pleasure from weakening us, to have ultimate control over our being and in some cases to destroy us.

You don't deserve this. You didn't when you first became involved with this person. If you are the child of a narcissistic parent, you happened to be born by fate into a highly pathological family. First, ​know that this is not your fault. You are not to blame.

Some children grow up only knowing cruelty and torture. This is how their identities are shaped. The idea of being loved, feeling peace, protection or freedom is not part of their psychological repertoire. They have a prisoner of the gulag mentality and that is not surprising. We tend to repeat what we have experienced early in our lives. Some children have a sense that their narcissistic family members or their narcissistic spouses are very disturbed and they make a break for it early.

Being a child of  a narcissist lingers in the psyche, mind and heart. This innocent person did not get the bonding, loving touch and kind words of affirmation that he absolutely needed. He was criticized, thrown away, discounted and in severe cases---tortured.

Why would anyone return to this horrid scene of psychological massacre that almost killed our souls. Because human beings tend to repeat what they know, what is familiar. A child raised by a narcissist who feels undeserving and worthless and un-entitled will be drawn to partners who have a similar personality structure and will abuse them.

Over and over again the victim returns for more abuse, then leaves, then comes back and on it goes. In some cases the victim is broken and this is tragic.

Don't wait any longer. Understand who your narcissistic torturer is--through and through. Then make a decision that you will sever this non-relationship. Do the work of healing yourself through the methods that work best for you--excellent psychotherapy (Be careful--don't choose a narcissistic therapist), yoga practice that is gentle with emphasis on the breathing that quiets the nervous system, getting the sleep that you need and deserve, discovering and using your creative gifts, finding and nurturing loving and caring relationships. 

I know that you will end this cycle of abuse and torture. I have faith in your decision and action to change your life along the pathway of healing and wholeness and yes, peace.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Self Care---Key to Healing from the Narcissist

Whether you are the son or daughter of a narcissistic mother or father, the spouse of a narcissist or the  sibling of a narcissist you have been through a painful ordeal that caused you psychological and emotional pain.  You cannot erase this reality but you can heal and move forward with your life. You are entitled to feel secure, independent, hopeful, inspired, calm and in charge. As you unloosen the mental and psychological chains that have bound you--step out and appreciate your true true self, the person you were always meant to be.

Self Care is the beginning of healing after the narcissist.

1. Take time each day to be with yourself in solitude in the way that you define it. Set this time aside for yourself so that you will not be interrupted. Learn to quiet your mind for a few minutes at a time consistently through meditation, gentle yoga poses, listening to calming music, prayer and other activities that bring you inner peace. 

2. Make an effort to get the sleep that you need. You will be rewarded with a clear mind and an increase in your physical and mental stamina. 

3. Learn to say "No" to those who would take advantage of you--narcissists in particular. You have already had this painful experience. Your days of being manipulated and exploited are over.

4. Become less concerned about what others think of you when you activate your independent thinking. You are free now to express your own opinions.

5. Eat healthy foods that nourish all of your body systems including that part of the nervous system that keeps us feeling calm.

6. Express your creativity in ways that appeal to you---writing, painting, dancing, singing, cooking, gardening, designing, etc.

7. Form a support system of a few individuals whom you can count on anytime. This can take time. Be receptive to those who cross your path whom you think are possible candidates.

8. Take your sense of humor out of cold storage (if that is where it has been while you were under the control of the narcissist) and let her rip---If you are silly, go for it. If you are inclined toward dry wit, let's hear it. Each person has a unique sense of humor which is delightful. Humor saves us. This life is not easy and we must have humor as our constant companion.

9. Pay close attention to the messages of your intuition. Intuition is a gift we have as human beings. The more often it is used, the greater its power to guide us through life.

10. Practice receiving the affection and love that others offer to you. Embrace it and feel the warmth.

Visit my
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

A New Beginning---Reclaiming Your Life from the Narcissist

 Visit my
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Books: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Telephone Consultation: United States and International