Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Freeing Yourself from Your Narcissistic Mother

Even if you have long severed your relationship with your narcissistic mother, there can be residues of feelings that remain.Some children of narcissistic mothers after many years of estrangement, still believe that they can renew their relationship with mother and that this time it will be different. They tell themselves that in the passing years, mother has mellowed, softened. She may even be capable of insight. She could even say that she is "sorry." Many of these children with whom I have had contact find that the narcissistic mother has not changed. She is still blaming her son or daughter for everything that doesn't work perfectly for her. She accuses these children of abandoning her, when for many decades, from early childhood on, she has made her sons and daughters lives, unbearable. She has been unrelenting in her criticisms, venomous projections, cruel betrayals, pitting one child against the other, insisting that her child must follow a specific profession that will bring honor and prestige to the family. These children are not allowed to choose their own personal destinies. The narcissistic mother is the ultimate controller. Some of these mothers choose partners and career paths for their sons and daughters. Children in the family who show an independence of mind are  are hounded and criticized. The narcissist child in the family, the individual who moves synchronistically to mother's choreography, is venerated like a member of royalty in the family. Mother cannot stop obsessively praising this child, openly comparing him/her with the other children.  

After all of the psychological pain of not having a mother who is genuinely capable of love find ways to heal themselves through quality psychotherapy and a number of modalities including meditation, hatha yoga, tai chi, etc. Many find support groups of other individuals who have suffered from having a narcissistic mother. Some find comfort and peace through learning how to still the mind through meditation, practicing yoga, tai chi, qi gong and other healing practices. The process of individuation--becoming a resourceful whole separate human being is lifelong. We are always a work in progress--- bringing intellectual curiosity to our activities, developing mental and spiritual steadiness, working with our unique creativity and reaching out to others who will be comforted by our kindness and receptivity to them.  Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Monday, November 29, 2010

Narcissistic Siblings-Secret Cruelties-Hair Raising Terrors

The psychological pain that can lead to post traumatic stress suffered by those who grow up with narcissistic siblings is often overlooked. No one will talk about it. If the mother is a narcissist and raising a golden boy or girl or one of each her focus is on the molding a perfect clone of herself.  This child is a living gift to the parent(s) and the world. Day by day golden children are never corrected for their misdeeds, lack of conscience or physical and verbal abuse. "Mother always made excuses for my sister, no matter how mean she was to me and the other children." "There were so many scary ways my sister threatened me. She used to lock me in the closet when mom wasn't home---sometimes for hours because I refused to respond to one of her demands."  "My older sister knew I was petrified of the dark. At night she turned off all the lights in my room and would come in and make animal noises and taunt me. She knelt beside my bed and whispered in my ear: "if you make a sound I'll come back in the middle of the night and scare you to death." This imposition of terror by the narcissistic child is not uncommon in these families. The narcissistic parent either ignores or writes off the non-narcissistic children. They are treated like inanimate objects or the continuous target of verbal abuse, humiliations, false acquisitions, name calling  and shaming. The narcissistic mother may even join forces and lead the cruel bombardments and threats. This behavior is highly sadistic and many victims of narcissistic sibling abuse suffer from psychological trauma years after these cruelties are perpetrated. The more chronic and violent the verbal and physical abuse is the greater the chance of the scapegoated child for development of post traumatic stress. Very  young defenseless children are more inclined to be severely traumatized by persistent sibling bullying. These terrors are perpetrated in secrecy which makes their aftereffects long lasting and deeply etched on the growing psyche.

Those who are recovering from the cruelties and personal transgressions of narcissistic siblings, often learn that they must sever their relationship with these toxic individuals. In many cases this means ending contact with the narcissistic parent as well. Some victims work with and heal their psychological wounds in psychotherapy. Others process their traumas through a combination of modalities: meditation, yoga, journaling, prayer, support groups. Never underestimate the emotional and psychological damage a narcissistic sibling can perpetrate upon his/her brother or sister. Know that you can heal by learning about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder and recognizing that you are a valuable separate human being who has unique gifts, talents and intrinsic value just the way you are. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Friday, November 26, 2010

Sociopathic Narcissists-Getting What They Want at Your Expense

Narcissists are frequently given a pass for their multitude of misdeeds, transgressions, cruelties and brutalities. Part of this is occurring because the narcissistic style--self absorption, rank materialism, extreme self entitlement, ruthlessness and treachery--have become acceptable behaviors throughout much of our current society. The cult of celebrity has created an obsession of instant stardom, public sensationalism . through various forms of communication and entertainment vehicles. People are responding to the contagion of the narcissistic style. In some families the narcissistic style is highly rewarded, even expected.

The behavior of many narcissistic personalities blurs into sociopathy, meaning that concerns about the harm they perpetrate upon others, especially family members is non-existent. There is no conscience here at all within these individuals. Although they might not harm you physically in a direct way, they will do everything they can to wear you down and even devastate your life if they believe that's what it takes to pull you under and win. Narcissists never look back. They are always pushing forward at top speed in a rush to reach their ultimate goals and triumphs. The narcissist lives his or her life in the fast lane. Narcissists are very high maintenance. They often find mates who will do all of the hard work, and take the beatings, which includes being the frequent recipient of raw, constant criticism and demeaning humiliations.

To the sociopathic narcissist every person is expendable and interchangeable. If you have devoted your life to a narcissistic spouse and no longer fit in with their revised grandiose sense of self, you will be discarded-- often without any funds for the most basic needs. I have communicated with a number of individuals who have been psychologically and financially severely harmed by the immoral and illegal workings of the sociopathic narcissist. These individuals are cunning and cover their tracks. They work in secret, make deals behind the scenes--always at your expense. With the sociopath narcissist there is no peace, no feeling of psychological security.

Learn to recognize and protect yourself from the sociopathic narcissist. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in detail and master the material. It is in your best interest to learn to identify these severely disturbed individuals quickly. Be clear with yourself that no one ---no one will get what they want at your expense. Bolster your own sense of self entitlement. Work on steadying your mind and emotions. Respect your solid sense of self, your separateness and insist on maintaining your psychological boundaries. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses of Narcissists-Let Your Light Shine

I am in communication with many spouses who are struggling and suffering in their relationships with narcissistic spouses. Some of them knew before they got married that their prospective mate had some serious psychological issues but they just couldn't put their finger on it. They were swept up with the charm, magnetism and sexual chemistry of the moment. They believed that all of these portents of problems would dissolve once they were married. Everything would right itself with their mutual love. You know if you are married to a narcissist that this is not the case. Narcissistic traits are immutable. They do not seek professional help and if they are roped into it, they will sabotage the therapy either by using their winning personality to fool the therapist (Yes, this does happen quite often) or by pretending to participate and then leaving the therapy. Why should a narcissist subject himself/herself to psychotherapy---These individuals believe they are perfect. It is the partner who is carrying all of the pathology, not them.

If you are coping with a narcissistic spouse, despite everything, let you light shine. You can achieve this in  variety of ways. First, maintain your physical health and strength through good nutrition and exercise. Find a practice that helps you to calm yourself. This can be a form of meditation, visualization, journaling (make sure that this is private-for your eyes only) gentle hatha yoga. A really devoted friend whom you can trust without exception and who will listen is of great support. Explore in your mind your many gifts. Expand your consciousness and recognize that you are a talented, valuable, empathic human being. You have a life that is separate from your spouse. Many individuals discover gifts, talents and capacities they didn't realize they had. Human beings are by nature creative. You possibly have a decision to make about staying in your marriage to a narcissist. The tendency for them is to try to eclipse our lives. You cannot let anyone do that to you. In some cases, the non-narcissistic spouse decides that he/she must sever the relationship in order to preserve their sense of self and to lead the life that they deserve. You are growing and learning. The narcissist is not going to change-----ever! So let your light shine brightly like the planet Jupiter we see each night in the autumn skies. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Learn to Detach from Narcissist's Outrageous Projections

Narcissists are constantly projecting their unconscious psychological venom on to others, especially spouses, children, siblings and other family members. Inside the privacy of the home, those who revere the image that the narcissist presents in the outside world have no inkling just how ugly the narcissist's personality can be. For those he/she is impressing to obtain narcissistic supplies, this person becomes a source of adulation and veneration.

For those who live with him behind closed doors, the narcissist is a living nightmare. He is constantly demanding, spoiled, insisting on perfection from others. When you do something perfectly he/she finds a flaw and starts picking away at you. When narcissist's don't get from you what they say they want, they are inclined to scream like two year olds with greatly enhanced volume. They are relentless insisting that they are right, you are wrong and that there is something psychologically and mentally askew with you. You need professional help. The reverse is true---this individual has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change.

If you are staying with the narcissist while you are making a decision about your future, learn how to detach yourself emotionally from these individuals. Developing a meditation practice, yoga practice, learning how to still the mind, takes consistent discipline but it is well worth the effort. When we achieve a level of objectivity about the outrageous behaviors and verbal slings of the narcissist, we are able to distance ourselves from them . We recognize often in the moment that what is happening is that this person is unloading all of his rage and blame on to us. The discipline of learning to own what is ours psychologically ours and what belongs to someone else is invaluable in dealing with the corrosive, volcanic and unpredictable behavior of the narcissist. We see and hear a person who is not more than two years of age, screaming, squirming, red faced and throwing himself/herself about because they must have what the want now. If we can view this from a psychological distance, we grow stronger on every level. For some spouses it is necessary to sever the relationship because of its toxicity to them and their children. Learning how to detach and building a stronger solid sense of self and your own entitlement are key to dealing with this personality disorders. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sociopathic Narcissists-More Dangerous than You Think

The narcissistic style has been co-opted by a growing part of the American population.  The media and entertainment business, the powerful influence of peers on growing children and the lack of true quality time given to their children by parents are all part of this equation. People do not have to have children today. They can make the choice to live without producing children or choosing marriage. These are respectable and truthful decisions individuals can make. There is still a residue of scorn and even suspicion felt toward those who make these decisions.  "Why doesn't she/he get married? What's the matter--Is there some secret reason behind it? 

There is a collective self absorption and selfishness that has become the norm in many circles. There is an absence of sensitivity to the needs and suffering of others, especially those who are judged as not fitting in to an elite group. Their differentness is derided and scorned  through gossip and shunning. 

There is a deep fissure, a social and psychological divide that is growing exponentially. If you are materially successful, have all the right contacts, and present an image of external perfection, you are preferred even chosen.  If you don't have the impeccable image, the high professional status, you don't make the cut.  Large swaths of today's society have been taken over by narcissists and their deluded followers.

Grandiosity, lack of conscience, ruthlessness, lack of empathy, deception and manipulation have become tools rather than bad character traits. This is especially the case with sociopathic narcissists--those individuals who have the narcissistic personality structure and also share many characteristics of the sociopath. These traits include a careless disregard for other human beings, including chronic extreme verbal abuse and stress perpetrated upon spouses and children. Sociopathic narcissists purposely seek out ways to delude and control those who will profit them materially, socially and professionally. They are gifted at leaving others "holding the bag" while they abscond with the profits of some else's labors. Leaving another person's life in shambles or even their entire family is of no concern or interest to the sociopathic narcissist who has adroitly moved ahead to his/her next cycle of acquisition and control.

I am in communication with a number of victims of narcissistic abuse. There is a callousness in sociopathic narcissists that overrides any authentic human feeling. In fact if you get in their way, don't pay attention to the cues that are speaking to you clearly, they will cut you down professionally and emotionally. Sociopathic narcissists are rarely brought to justice. They surround themselves with covens of cunning attorneys who do their bidding around the clock.

Human nature is both dark and sublime. There are individuals alive today who are giving, selfless, warm, empathic and such a joy that they bring a great light into our lives. We are psychologically held by their deep authenticity and boundless personal generosity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Narcissists Can't Have Real Relationships

Authentic relationships ask us to make an emotional and psychological investment in another person. They require that we are capable of empathy and have the capacity to put ourselves psychologically in their place. Narcissists are incapable of empathy. They can be very convincing that they care deeply about us but this is a well rehearsed act that the narcissist has perfected. A narcissist can be enthralled with someone but this doesn't last particularly when he/she discovers that you are no longer the source of his narcissistic supplies for praise, adulation, or in many cases monetary or societal supplies. Real relationships require commitment, loyalty and truth. The narcissist does not have these traits. The narcissist is psychologically empty inside. He/she is constantly hungering and seeking people and situations that will gratify his ego. Many are fooled and believe that they are "the one". The narcissist is parasitic, feeding off of others. When the individual source is all use up, he moves on to the next human supply. Narcissists do not change; they are fixed personality disorders. When we throw our destinies in with narcissists, we give part of our lives away to them.

Protect yourself from narcissistic abuse. You deserve to live fully, using your creative gifts, giving and receiving love, experiencing empathy from those who share your life. Learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Covert Narcissists - Ruthless Chameleons

The grandiose narcissist stands at stage center on all occasions. If a party is being given in someone else's  honor, the narcissist will steal the show, making sure that he/she is noticed, applauded and praised by every guest. He goes through his current life rundown--- recent business successes, excellent decisions that have put him on top, his adoring perfect family. I have heard narcissists speak about the special pedigree of their pets, which is always very rare and precious. God forbid that they would have a mutt or a shelter rescue pooch.

On the other end of the spectrum but possessing the same corrosive personality structure is the covert narcissist. The manner is often very polite and subdued. The covert narcissist is playing up your ego with a worshipful voice and endless compliments. They're throwing you off the scent, disarming you. You can go several rounds with a covert narcissist without realizing who they are and what they want. Their pseudo humility and low key personality style is clever camouflage. If you are working with one of these disguised narcissists, beware of their cunning. As they play up to you and earn your trust, they are talking behind your back, spreading lies about your personal life and your professional shortcomings, so they can leave you in the dust when promotion time arrives. This often happens when men or women are competing for partners. A covert narcissist thinks nothing of gaining access to your husband or wife, making herself/himself irresistible and destroying your marriage and family. When you look back you recognize that this person was always playing a role. There was no exchange of empathy. These clever predators move in and out of our lives. The numbers of narcissists are growing within a society that rewards them so handsomely. In some venues if you are not ruthless and amoral, you can't get ahead. The media and entertainment often applaud the narcissistic character, focusing their lenses on the perfection of the image rather than the solid individual who can be trusted, is honest about himself and who is deeply empathic. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Friday, November 19, 2010

Protect Yourself from Narcissist's Primitive Projections

Psychoanalyst Carl Jung speaks about projections: " A man who is unconscious of himself acts in a blind, instinctive way and is in addition fooled by all the illusions that arise when he sees everything that he is not conscious of in himself coming to meet from outside as projections upon his neighbor." Primitive projections are powerful psychological weapons used by the narcissist to weaken those closest to him/her. A projection is an unconscious defense mechanism the individual uses to eject powerful aggressive feelings and impulses  that he cannot tolerate on to some one else. The receiver of these projections feels stunned, shocked and wounded on impact. The unconscious and unexpected properties of the projection is what makes it so potent and poisonous. Recently I was on the receiving end of one of these psychic assaults from a stranger. Fortunately I was in a public venue which slightly softened the blow. I remember getting a first impression of this person as off center. She was very self absorbed, appearing needy and too nice. I could sense that she was distanced from herself---unknown to herself. She presented herself as helpless and innocent. There was a muted but persistent voice inside of me that said: "Don't go near her. She is concealing her real self. She has boundary issues. Keep your distance." I waved off this intuitive warning because the situation appeared to be so innocuous. I had been in conversation with a friend nearby and we were being jovial and silly (but not disruptive to others).

Out of nowhere this woman blasted me with a sharply barbed comment which she repeated. She tried to cut me down by making a swift clipped cruel observation about my outward appearance. It translated as "You're ugly and useless"! Without dropping my jaw, I felt a pump of adrenaline, then rage, then shame. I answered back with a humorous quip. This Ms. Innocent---Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth babe" thought she had landed a mortal wound. I certainly felt the punch. Her repetition of this insult meant that she had every intention of hitting me with a psychological body blow. This projective mechanism was unconscious on her part. It resonated inside of me for some time. Even with all of my training and clinical experience it was bruising and I had to work hard to re-group.

The middle name of a narcissist is projection----all of the time. (Some people use projection as a defense mechanism who are not narcissistic.) There is much to be learned that is invaluable in these situations. First, stay tuned to your 24 hour a day intuition channel----It is always telling you the truth, even when it comes in a quiet voice. Second, be kind to yourself when someone has blasted you in this way. It's a psychological belly blow. And, steer clear of these people. They don't have boundaries---Keep your distance from these individuals. We will visit this topic again. Primitive projections are constantly flying through the air, awaiting the next victim. Take great care of yourself. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Narcissist's Dram Poisons the Well

The word dram comes from the Greek, meaning a small amount. I have watched one narcissist poison his/ her family and narcissists within families disrupt and decimate generations of families. It is very difficult to recognize and actually know the truth about the destructive power of the narcissistic personality disorder. Many of these individuals are feted, touted, emulated and even adored as the most brilliant, talented, influential members of our society today. With an exterior that poses and speaks perfection, dynamic energy that is endless, a magnetism that cannot be resisted---almost no one can say NO to them. They have infiltrated our daily lives. The narcissistic style is now accepted as normal, even expected. If you are not ruthless and self promoting, you have not succeeded. If you look at most individuals at the top tiers of power in every strata of society today you will find a plenitude of narcissists. There are incredible exceptions of highly successful people who are at the top of their game who are not narcissists. Thank god for them.

In families where you have a parent or parents who are both narcissists, the children have a very difficult time fending off the proclivity to become narcissistic or the psychological injuries of becoming a target for the narcissist's constant spewing of psychological venom, criticisms, demeanments, humiliations----a pounding of the psyche, ear shattering verbal abuse.

It is amazing to discover that so many people who contact me have survived these homes from hell. They recognized early that their parent or parents were disturbed. They learned to protect themselves, to create inner lives that were separate from the dram of narcissistic poison. Other children were molded and became narcissists. Their story is a tragic, not only for them but for all of those whom they encounter, especially their spouses and future children.

It is essential at this particular time of rising societal narcissism that we inform ourselves very specifically about this fixed personality disorder that does not change. Work hard at becoming more aware and accepting of your unique individuality--embrace it. You are not to blame for all of the projections foisted on you by your narcissistic spouse, parent or sibling.

Use the tools that you need to separate and individuate out of the pathological narcissistic system that has bound you. Many find comfort and transformation in practices of hatha yoga, stilling the mind, accessing their creativity, physical exercise that keeps you strong and steady, strengthening the power of your intuition, finding others with whom you can communicate the truth and are deserving of your trust. There is no perfect time to separate yourself from the narcissist's poisonous dram--Do it now. Trust yourself, trust your inner knowing---It will lead you to a less traveled road that is simpler, calmer, loving, expanded, creative and life re-enforcing. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, November 15, 2010

Narcissist's Bogey Man - Chronic Paranoia

We all have irrational suspicions and fears that someone is trying to harm us psychologically either directly or covertly. At times there are forces at work in people known and unknown to us who do not wish us well.  They are envious and enraged. They want what we have. They think about how they can disrupt our lives to throw us off stride. This can happen between individuals or within groups and the most potent source, the psychodynamics within our families. 

Suspicions and paranoia are fundamentally different. Suspicion is a diffuse, vague feeling of  unease, uncertainty that we are not quite safe. Paranoia, which means "madness" in Greek  is a condition of severe anxiety even terror that we are going to be harmed or destroyed by another person or group. Paranoia is driven by delusional thoughts that the individual is being persecuted and that harm to them is inevitable. 

It seems counter-intuitive that the narcissist is a closet paranoid when we see him or her tackling the world with an extreme sense of self entitlement, perfection, supreme self confidence.

"Inside, he (the narcissist) is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies. These core suspicions are the remnants of hidden, cold, aggressive internal parental images that he experiences as persecutors." (from Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). The inner world of the narcissist is dangerous, filled with psychological booby traps and bogeymen. He/she never feels safe. The narcissist lives with fear and dread--waiting for real or imagined enemies to do him in. He's constantly watches his back despite the opposite image that he shows the world. Added to this mix is the real enemies that the narcissist creates as he rampages through the lives of others. Narcissists steal our lives if we let them. They are psychological thieves day and night. They will weaken you psychologically, drain your financial stability, isolate you from your friends and disrupt your life creatively, physically and spiritually. Remember that the narcissist is a severe fixed personality disorder who is very unlikely to change. He/she is ruthless and in some instances, treacherous. While he moves through the world, taking what he wants, acting out without limits, deep inside, he lives in deep fear of being harmed---in a state of paranoia.

To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Saying NO to the Demands of Others

As small children we are highly influenced by parental conditioning---in survival, sink or swim mode. As we grow older we begin to have our own independent thoughts, feelings, inspirations and creative ideas. Some children have a difficult time with this if their parents are severely punitive and rigid.

Those who are married to or partnered with narcissists need to learn how to say NO to their demands on their time, energy, creativity, even their most private thoughts. One avenue is that of learning the art of relaxation. Many people have no idea of how it feels to be truly relaxed---steady and calm. Learning to relax requires discipline. There are a variety of ways to relax. One ancient form is  hatha yoga with emphasis on nostril breathing and gentle poses. Another is learning how to breathe through the diaphragm which activates the relaxation response--the parasympathetic nervous system. Meditation in all of its forms offers a pathway to relaxation and healing on all levels.

As you practice any of these disciplines notice how you are changing despite the presence of narcissists and others who would try to disrupt your inner peace. Feel the core of strength in your body, mind and psyche that grows with your practice.

Another aspect of changing your life is learning to say YES to what you love each day---reading,walking,cycling, sketching, writing---your choice. Appreciate the small moments--like listening to the call of a bird from a distance---a cardinal, blue jay or mockingbird. You are hearing the song of everpresent hope.  Allow this song to resonate deep within you as you move forward one step at a time, growing, individuating, creating---now and for the rest of your life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Narcissists Project Self Loathing on to Spouses

From the classic descriptions of narcissists you would think that they are in love with themselves. They are supremely self entitled, self absorbed, grandiose, greedy and seek praise and adulation from those who act as their servants. Their self image is uppermost in their minds. Many of them appear to be externally impeccable. Those who are uninformed believe that the narcissist is an extraordinary human being. This is especially the case if the narcissist is a high achiever in business, entertainment, professional sports, politics, etc.

The truth deep down is that the narcissist unconsciously loathes himself or herself. The narcissist is unaware of these feelings of self hatred and psychological emptiness. Rather he projects these noxious overpowering feelings and beliefs as primitive projections on those closest to him, his spouse. Those wed to the narcissist or partnered with him get the brunt of his unrestricted volcanic rage, accusations, humiliations, verbal assaults. In this way the narcissist gets rid of the excess of psychological poison in him and ejects it on to someone else. (and never holds himself accountable for the severe pain this causes). Often those married to narcissists put up with the abuse, thinking that they deserve to be treated with such menace and disdain. Spouses make excuses for their mates "Oh, he's under so much stress, he slipped and got out of control---It won't happen again." They tell themselves and even believe that the narcissist will change. This is not the case. Narcissistic personality disorder is a fixed character structure that is very unlikely to change. The projections of self hatred in the form of noxious abuse will continue. The narcissist is not in touch with the unconscious facets of himself/herself. As long as there is a human receptacle available, his self hatred will be spewed in that direction.

If you can't take the abuse any longer, you can make the decision to detach yourself emotionally from your spouse or to permanently leave the relationship. Think carefully and study in depth about the narcissist's personality structure and how it operates. Stop blaming yourself. You don't deserve to live in misery and a constant state of siege. To learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Narcissists Cause Siblings Psychological Pain


Narcissists are masterful actors. If they are high level and are particularly gifted at playing the part of a decent if not superior human being, they fool the best of us, even psychotherapists. Often they flatter mental health professionals in the most clever ways and sway their judgment. That's how clever they can be. This is all image, the outward posturing, the role of a lifetime that the narcissist plays in the public arena. In the privacy of home and especially from those who grew up with narcissistic family members the story is totally different. 

The sibling of a narcissistic brother or sister has a very painful experience throughout his/her growing years. In some instances this child is surrounded by a narcissistic parent(s) and more than one narcissistic brother or sister. Living with a narcissistic siblings can be an ongoing nightmare for a young child. Some narcissistic parents pick favorites and always take the side of the chosen one whether he is right or wrong. Some parents join the budding narcissist in taunting, bullying and terrorizing the scapegoated child. These children are always in a state of apprehension and anxiety. Many of them spend long periods of time hiding in their rooms or staying with friends whenever possible.  The scapegoated child in these families feels that he has no allies in those who are supposed to protect and love him. Children react differently to this level of abuse Some are super survivors and find creative ways to use their gifts, maintain their sense of self, make friends despite their families. Other children, those who are very sensitive in particular, are dispirited by their family circumstances and think of themselves as prisoners within their own homes. Some siblings band together to protect themselves from the narcissistic sibling.  

After everyone is grown within these pathological families, the cruelty and treachery does not stop. Grownup narcissistic siblings continue to demean, criticize and humiliate their siblings. Now as adults they still pick away at every opportunity at their siblings. They use every opportunity to display their superiority and the sibling's inferiority.

The sibling of a narcissist can make the decision to do the best he or she can do in dealing with this cruel human being whom he calls brother or sister. He can learn to detach himself emotionally from the narcissist, not overreact to all of the narcissist's projections and know that this family member is highly disturbed. In other instances, the non-narcissistic sibling decides to sever the relationship (which never existed)  to protect himself/herself from ongoing abuse and torrents of cruelties. In some instances some siblings find that quality psychotherapy helps them to deal with this process. Many turn to trusted friends and other family members and learn that they can recreate their lives with individuals who deeply care about them and accept and appreciate their authenticity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Narcissists' Secret Lives

We all hold secrets. There are secrets we share with a few whom we trust; secrets we tell psychotherapists and close friends. Some secrets are told to no one. The narcissistic personality combines secretiveness with deceit. He or she is never the person you believe him to be. The narcissist wears many costumes and faces. He plays his parts convincingly. Some of these individuals juggle ex-wives, current wives, a mistress, and flirtations all at once. Since these individuals don't carry the burden of a conscience, they have no concern about betraying or harming others, even those closest to them.  Each human connection is a narcissistic supply, a commodity that will swells their hungry ego. I have heard from many women and men who had no idea for decades that their spouse was lying to them about money, affairs, business transactions, etc.

Some spouses are truly naive about their secretive partners. Others go along with the charade because they are benefiting from the perks of the lifestyle. Some spouses are so emotionally dependent on the narcissist that they will put up with any outrage to avoid being abandoned.

Protect yourself from the narcissistic personality and his/her secret duplicities by studying every facet of this disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

How to Raise Children Who are Not Narcissists

Children know when they are genuinely loved for their true authentic selves. Babies and little children are very spontaneous and early on develop a marvelous sense of humor. If you have a highly sensitive child (this includes twenty percent of the population) who takes in everything and reacts strongly to his inner and outer world, become finely tuned to his/her sensitivity. Enjoy the wondrous experience of eye to eye contact and affection between your child and yourself. Learn to create a balance between quantity and quality time. Be aware of your own key psychological issues and emotional deficits so that you don't project your pain and frustrations on to your child. Encourage your c child's natural gifts

The potential for empathy is born within us. Empathy is taught by example but it is also necessary to teach your child directly to feel and show behaviors that people deserve respect and kindness regardless of the work they do or role they play or how they look.
Along with this at the right time we teach children how to protect themselves from individuals who can be harmful to them.

Celebrate your child's individuality every day, recognizing that he or she does not have to be perfect. Share his joy, wipe the tears, let the mutual laughter resonate deeply between the two of you. A non-narcissistic child who grows to be a loving, empathic individual creates a beautiful light in the world among all the people he or she encounters. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, November 8, 2010

Narcissists-Consummate Users

Narcissists with their smooth often perfect exteriors and social skills know how to work almost anyone. They can be impressive with their professional accomplishments (often bloated) and connections. Narcissists are always searching their environments for people who will be of use to them. Narcissists are incapable of genuine relationships since their major focus in on themselves. If they appear to be interested in you, even riveted---they are sizing you up to determine how you will or will not fit in to their special circle. Once they know that you are of no use to them, you become non-existent, a cipher.

Some people put themselves in the role of exploitee. They don't have a strong independent sense of self. At their core they always feel emotionally fragile, holding on to some one's hand as they move through life. Inside they are like small children who need direction and have great difficulty taking initiative and following through. Others in their role with the narcissists are narcissistic themselves and have come along for the ride, hoping that the spotlight, power and fanfare that accompanies will become a part of their lifestyle with him.  
The narcissist focuses only on those who will serve his purposes and needs which take different forms---monetary, power, sexual, adulation. Narcissists are inclined to choose attractive people who will reflect their impeccable image. Many narcissists spend much of their time becoming indispensable to the affluent and wealthy. This leads to higher more lucrative and influential social and business connections. Along the way the narcissists exploits those who are psychologically vulnerable and believe that the narcissist is an honest broker, a fine human being.

Some victims of narcissistic exploitation, especially ex-spouses have their lives turned inside out--financially, psychologically and emotionally ravaged. In some cases the narcissist obtains sole custody of the children, not because he loves them but as chess pieces in a monstrous game of revenge. How far will a narcissist go to psychologically and financially destroy another human being? Further than most people can imagine.

To avoid become a victim of the narcissist's exploitive vengeful game, study this personality disorder so that you can recognize these individuals quickly and know with whom you are dealing from the beginning. Pay attention to your intuition (It always speaks the truth.) respect and enforce your psychological boundaries and insist that you be respected as an individual through the company you keep. The stronger you are psychologically and the more solid your sense of self, the more successful you will be at avoiding corrosive narcissistic entanglements. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Take Your Life Back from the Narcissist-Make It Your Own

Narcissists possess others for many reasons. First, despite all of the information available now about the narcissistic personality disorder, many individuals are still unable to identify these clever conniving method actors. We are so disarmed and mesmerized by them, we don't realize that they have come to take over our lives. The narcissist believes that everything and everyone belongs to him/her. He takes possession of those who will benefit him with his insatiable ego, need for praise and adulation, inflated self image and extraordinary sense of self entitlement and superiority. Devoid of self knowledge or insight, the narcissist is a cunning animal who instinctively knows how to select individuals whom he can control.  If you marry a narcissist, he will commandeer your life--intruding on your thoughts, your feelings, your imagination and creativity. Your apprehension and worry about how he or she will react to you will supersede your creative movement forward, your most personal perception and interactions with yourself and others---your essence. Yes, the narcissist is capable of this poisonous level of personal intrusion if you allow him to go there. The narcissist has neither boundaries nor mercy. He is a tempestuous child--He wants what he wants and will get it if he has to stop your psychological pulse to get there. Most people do not understand the narcissist's "heart of darkness." Yes, these individuals suffer but this experience of an empty self is deep in their unconscious. It is their victims who consciously go through innumerable hells and tortures.

Focus your attention and effort on learning in detail everything you can about the psychodynamics, origins and predictable behaviors of the narcissistic personality disorder. Begin to recognize who you are---separate from the narcissist. Dig deep, open,expand and you will find the mother lode of the true self that has been bound and hiding in the basement of fear. Open all the windows and doors---inviting the breezes and soft winds to come through your mind, heart, and psyche. This is the beginning of your healing which will continue throughout your life. Life is an ongoing creative project.There are small miracles that are always occurring midst life's bumpiness and full stops.

When we look up into the night sky this Fall and see Jupiter---the brightest light at present, we feel our connection to this wondrous beauty--so far away yet so close. Take Jupiter inside you. Know that you carry this light in you. Let yourself shine! Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-Grief-Acceptance-Transformation

The daughters of narcissistic mothers go through many hells. We cannot choose our parents. Little girls are supposed to find warmth, security, and compassion when they look into their mother's eyes, as they sit on their always available laps, as they hear songs or stories before they go to bed. Daughters of narcissistic mothers don't have these experiences. Little children in this situation wonder---"What's the matter with me--Mom is not paying attention to me, even when I make a great effort." Other daughters reveal: "Mommy was always directing my life from my first memory. She was in charge of everything I did. I even wondered if she was controlling my breathing." "Mother wants the best for me and expects me to be perfect." I must do everything I can to please her, so she will love me. Does she love me; I don't know. If I do my very best, maybe some day she will." 

As daughters of narcissistic mothers grow they notice more and more that something vital is missing in mother---She doesn't listen--Everything revolves around her. She is too busy to spend much time with me. Mother has her own life with dad or her friends that is more important to her than I am.  There is an acknowledgement with many of these daughters that they are on their own.  Some daughters recognize that they don't have a mother. In some cases there is another family member who fulfills this role: father, aunt, older sibling or special nannies.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers experience a specific grief about missing the nurturing, specialness, affection and empathy of being mothered. For some this grief is palpable and leaves a psychological wound. Some of these daughters are  helped by good psychotherapy which takes them through the grief combined with anger and then finally an acceptance, that despite maternal deprivation, they are valuable unique women. They are not their psychologically deficient mothers. It has been my experience that many daughters of narcissistic mothers are among the most empathic individuals with whom I have communicated. There is a transformation that takes place in which these daughters separate and individuate from the family of origin (mother in particular) to an independence, a strength of personality and character. They have rediscovered the natural, original self inside of them that always had the capacity to be fully human and loving despite parental conditioning. Transformation is a lifelong process. Growth never stops; we are always moving forward, discovering ever-expanding parts of ourselves and freely sharing our renewed openness with others. Those who suffer, work with the deep inner process of rediscovering the true self that was always there, have taken the road less traveled---the path of insight and deep inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Narcissistic Greed-Bottomless Pit

We are experiencing a series of narcissistic waves that are effecting the foundations of our society. In the last several decades there has been a tremendous shift in values and what is meant by leading a fulfilling and worthwhile life. More recently many people measure their success by the amount of wealth, material possessions, business and social connections they have and those top tier individuals with whom they have easy access.Many relationships are disingenuous and based on the crass principle of "What can you do for me.?' There is no human connection here, no empathy, no consideration for the needs of others.

The media entertainment culture has fueled these attitudes and normalized them. The goal of many of our young people is to be masters of the universe. They look to hedge fund managers who are making a billion dollars a year as their heroes and life models.

Many narcissists are addicted to material possessions. This obsession with the externals of life doesn't allow the time and energy to introspect. Besides the narcissist is incapable of focusing inside, to contemplate, to have personal insights.

Narcissist greed is  manifested in their raw competitiveness. The compare themselves with others to make sure that they have the best and the most. Some people make excuses for greedy narcissists saying: Oh, he just got another toy---a helicopter, a new beach house, a mega yacht, etc. Many loyal followers of narcissists express their glee at these over the top purchases: "Oh, Howard is just having a good time. He's deserves it. He entertains a lot. He's enjoys collecting expensive toys. Why shouldn't he have anything he wants." Beneath it all the psychological reality is that the narcissist is emotionally empty, a severely damaged individual. The narcissist leads a fraudulent life. He fools almost all others that he is genuine, charming, highly successful and affable. Deep within and out of his awareness, the narcissist is a bottomless psychological and emotional pit that cries up from the depths to be filled. Since he cannot be real and satisfy needs and wishes from inside himself, the narcissist spends his life restlessly searching for material possessions, adoring followers, positions of extraordinary power as an attempt to fill his psychological emptiness.

The narcissist is like a ravenous wild animal who stalks and hunts his prey, is satisfied temporarily and then must go back into the tall grasses to seek satisfaction once more. This eternal cycle of repetitive behavior will not stop. The narcissist is always hungry and the bottomless pit of greed waits for the next torturous round.

There are extraordinary human beings today who are not greedy, not narcissists, who share with others, who are generous and have open hearts. They are our rising heroes. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Buy the book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com