Sunday, February 27, 2011

Narcissistic Siblings-Turning Their Families Upside Down

Down is up and up is down when you grow up in a narcissistic family. It sounds simple but it's very complex and painful. Most people cannot understand how intolerable it is to grow up with a golden boy/girl narcissist who is allowed to treat his siblings with constant acts of cruelty with impunity. Being the young sibling of one of these holy terrors is particularly horrific. The parent(s) of these siblings from hell is often narcissistic and therefore incapable of empathy or forming any real attachment or warmth for any of his/children. In some cases the narcissistic sibling intimidates the parents so successfully that they sing to his tune. He is a despotic ruler of the household. In other instances the narcissistic mother/father colludes with the golden one and the two of them create an atmosphere of ongoing apprehension and fear in the home. This is not a home but a place of imprisonment for the non-narcissistic siblings. The narcissistic child perpetrates physical, psychological and emotional abuse on his siblings. Often he/she chooses the child who is the most sensitive and vulnerable on which to project his rage. The scapegoated child is cornered and threatened with even greater harm if he tells any adult about the abuse. In some cases the narcissistic parent and the favored child join in a campaign of terrorizing the targeted child (children).

In these highly pathological families, reality is turned on its head. Everything about the child growing up in these family constellations is delusional. Some scapegoated children don't realize for many years the depth of what they have endured and survived. Decades later some of these adult children are still suffering from some of the effects of this horrendous cruelty and treachery.

There are incredible survival stories of those who walk the tightrope (without a net) in these narcissistic families with narcissistic siblings. Their stories are both painful and inspiring. I have found that despite all of the abuse they have endured, they are empathic human beings, sensitive to the needs of others.

As you recognize that you grew up with a tyrannical narcissistic sibling, appreciate that you kept yourself whole and kind. That is a tremendous achievement. You will continue to heal as you become receptive to  individuation---the process of moving toward a solid, deeper sense of self. Be kind to yourself, recognize your value, practice techniques of calming body, mind and psyche (yoga, meditation, walking meditation, restorative yoga, journaling, etc) Leave the critic inside of you behind. Move forward consciously step by step, appreciating each moment that you are now free of your family history and that the horizon in front of you is filled with the inner peace, calmness and compassion for self and others that you have always deserved. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Friday, February 25, 2011

Narcissists-Thickets of Lies

By the age of three a primitive conscience has begun to develop in the young child. The pathway this takes depends on the parents' psychological attachment to the child, what the child is taught by example and through direct communication. At age eight or nine the conscience has developed considerably. The child can distinguish between right and wrong, possesses a sense of empathy for others or doesn't.

Narcissists spend their lives lying in one form or another. Narcissistic children often emulate their narcissistic parent(s).Parents are models of behavior---good or bad, cruel or kind, truthful or untruthful. When a small child sees his parent tricking others and manipulating them through lies, it can become part of his psyche. The child watches his parent getting what he wants. Having it in your hand is the only thing that matters, not how you got it.

There are children of narcissists who observe from the time they are very young that what their mother or father was doing wrong. They have access deep within themselves---a moral compass, the ability to make fine discriminations between what is right, wrong, kind or cruel. I have been in communication with individuals who were in touch enough with themselves to understand that their parents were immoral, unethical and criminal.

When you marry a narcissist, conscience is not included in the package. Most spouses don't recognize this vital part is missing in this person until they have been living with him/her for a while. Some partners make continual excuses for the the narcissist's moral deficiencies.Narcissists lie every season of the year, night and day, to strangers, business associates, to friends, relatives, their children. Narcissists take lying to a new level, winding nimbly through the morass of lies they manufacture in split seconds. Narcissists tell a freshly manufactured story to different people within their circle. They create elaborate lies that work to maintain the relationship with a spouse whom they are choosing to keep for the moment. They may tell different lies to each of their children, depending on what they are expecting of them. If they favor one child above the rest, they pump this daughter or son with delusions of grandeur while demoralizing, demeaning and humiliating children who don't make the cut from their perspective. They lie to wives, lies of omission about their mistresses and girlfriends. They lie to mistresses, telling them they will soon be signing the final divorce papers. Narcissists lie to business partners as they they make their power moves. They know precisely how to use the "right words" to damage the professional reputations of those whom they have called colleague for decades.

Some narcissists get caught in the thickets of this dark malevolence--too few, unfortunately. Most glide smoothly away, their "fine character" and professional capital neatly intact. This shows how gifted they are at the lying craft. The current narcissistic style, a valuable currency within today's society assists them every time. This is especially the case if they are high level narcissists who are well connected to the power and economic sources within the culture.

Protect yourself from the narcissist's lies and subterfuges. Study the narcissistic personality in detail, learning about all of tricks, games, ruses and acts in their vast personal armory. Take time to appreciate and understand who you are as a unique individual. This work can be done in a variety of ways: good psychotherapy, meditation practice, gentle yoga, restorative yoga, journaling thoughts, feelings, dreams, memories, fantasies, etc. Above all, be receptive to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth to you and tells you everything you need to know about others, especially those from whom you need psychological protection.

Intuition leads us to our creativity and to the calmness and peace of the spirit in the way that you define this for yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Children of Narcissists-Innocent Victims

If we could have picked our parents we wouldn't have chosen a narcissist as a mother or father. Narcissists cannot feel, care, have conscience or empathy for another human being, even a small child. They are capable of putting on a tremendous polished act but it is falls flat in the truth department. Some narcissistic parents choose a stand out child who is very attractive, bright, gifted in music, dance, art, etc to be the chosen one in the family. The narcissistic mother or father will mold this son or daughter in his image. This child is treated differently from the others, is given great adulation, no limits on consideration to others and special treatment by the narcissistic parent. In other families the narcissistic parent treats all of the children in a dismissive manner. They are a bother to him/her. They are living puppets who are trotted out for company or who fill the family picture with forced smiling faces. I have known of a narcissistic parent who had a special wing built on his home for the children. Like a king at court they were tucked away in a separate abode and brought into his presence only when they could be used as narcissistic supplies to demonstrate to friends and others that he was a devoted father.

In some egregious cases, the narcissist fixates on battling over the children during the divorce process. He/she doesn't give a damn about them and has never contributed to caring for them psychologically or emotionally but is caught up in the fight for ego purposes. This is one of the most painful experiences the non-narcissistic parent can experience for her children. I hear from spouses and ex-spouses who are going through this intolerable ordeal. It can be protracted; it is excruciating for the parent who truly loves the children.

We only need one good parent or parent substitute. Some individuals grow up all alone with only bare bones food and primitive shelter. No one pays any attention to them. They have never heard the voice of someone who loves them call their name. They have never felt safe and relaxed---even for one moment. They are scapegoats in the earliest years of grammar school and beyond. They live in a jungle of predatory human creatures.

A grandmother, aunt, a family friend can make all the difference in a child's solid psychological foundation. If mother is the non-narcissistic parent, most of the burden is on her to provide a consistently loving, secure, predictable environment for her children. Some spouses are left financially vulnerable after the divorce. In some cases the narcissistic ex-husband makes life excruciating by insisting that he is a good father. Custody battles  can be extended and this is very painful for the children and the responsible parent. In this crucial situation the non-narcissistic spouse does her best. She begins by keeping the welfare of her children upper most in her mind. In addition, it is essential that she has a strong sense of entitlement of her rights to live in an environment of peace and emotional well being. These courageous women and men are motivated by a strong unwavering love for their children. This is evident in the way they mother and father them each day. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Narcissists-Treating Others as Disposable Objects

When you meet a narcissist who fixates on you with fascination you feel like the most important person on the face of the earth. That's how good they are with a masterful act. Narcissists remind  me of brilliant performance artists--quick change artists who change from one costume into another faster than the eye can see--illusionists. A German/Armenian duo, Sos and Victoria hold the Guinness Book of Records for this feat: 16 costume changes in 120 seconds.

When you are out of favor with the narcissist you go from:
Indispensable to Disposable
Perfect to Putrid
Beautiful to Repulsive
Bright to Dull
Charming and Magnetic to Thankless Witch (B----)

The narcissist becomes restless again for narcissistic supplies. He has found another partner---your replacement. He will perform a new act to a fan filled audience----They say: "Come to the Cabaret!" This is an illusion. The pain is not. It is very real. When narcissists discard people it can and will go beyond tolerable limits. They don't care whom they hurt or the extenuation of your suffering. They have neither conscience nor shame.

It is up to you to learn to identify in exquisite detail the narcissistic personality so you can recognize one very quickly and remove yourself from their psychologically toxicity. Assert yourself. Recognize and resonate with your own unique value.Renew yourself through a practice of meditation, gentle yoga, restorative yoga and modalities that will quiet and calm the mind, body and psyche. Learn about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Monday, February 21, 2011

Stop Engaging the Narcissist

During the divorce process in particular it is important to stop any direct engagement or contact with the narcissistic spouse if at all possible. The more you make contact with this individual the greater your pain, anger, depression, regret and a whole host of feelings that will cause you pain. If the soon to be ex is texting and calling and emailing you and gets one response out of the fifteen he or she had made, this tells the narcissist that it takes fifteen tries to get you activated. Individuals in communication with me speak of how difficult it is to go no contact. After weeks of sticking with this plan, they will call or email or text the narcissist. They feel regretful about this but say they could not control themselves. This is understandable especially when a breakup is very painful. Make every effort, especially if you are in the process of seeking a divorce to abide by the no contact behavior. You can communicate through your attorney. This way you remain out of the ugly drama and twisted lies and covert machinations of the narcissist's psyche. You need to clear the mental and psychological decks inside of you, to focus on your next steps toward freedom and the strong growing edge within you that makes you unique, independent and open to the creative possibilities of your life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Repetitive Narcissistic Exploitation

Exploitation is the narcissist's middle name. They are always using others, especially spouses, ex-spouses, children and other family members to get their needs met not yours. Narcissists don't care,are not interested and are closed off to your needs. They are over-entitled and have no hesitation about making demands from you constantly. This puts their spouses and children in continual emergency red button mode. Every moment is a fire drill. We become emotionally depleted and in some cases physically ill. Take care of yourself . Set boundaries with the narcissist and be consistent. He or she will step over these lines, cajole you into letting them have their way, intimidate and humiliate you. Don't give in. Keep your emotional, psychological and physical distance(if possible) from the narcissist. Being in their presence is poisoning to you emotionally and psychologically. If you must be in touch with them, learn to detach from them by not over-reacting to their lies and the dramas that follow if they don't get what they want. Let them put up a fuss like a baby in a high chair throwing his peas all over the floor. Don't let their tantrums and threats overrun you. Stay steady through a practice of stillness, relaxation techniques, gentle yoga and meditation.

I have seen narcissists repeat their exploitive schemes. They are counting on wearing you down, getting you off center,  making you lose your temper, on giving in.  You can outlast the narcissist by remaining centered and grounded in your own values and destiny and having a support system. You have a separate life to which you are entitled. Give them no ground, no screams or snarling, no smirk and when appropriate no contact. Their goal is to engage and enrage and get you to lose control of yourself ; this spells weakness to them and the right time to pounce. You can continue to develop mastery over yourself. Work at your physical, mental and psychological health each day---it is a priority especially in counterbalancing the narcissist's repeated exploitive attempts.

Give yourself credit for how you are handling this very difficult and at times impossible person. Take refuge within yourself, among your friends, in the solitude and beauty of nature and through your spiritual practice in the way that you define it. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Narcissistic Spouses-Psychological Torture

There are innumerable forms of torture. When we think of torture our imaginations create mental pictures of extreme, prolonged physical abuse--flogging, beating, stoning, whipping, sleep deprivation. In recent studies of adult victims of torture the results show: "Degrading treatment and psychological manipulation cause as much emotional suffering and long-term mental damage as physical torture."

Many spouses of narcissists experience psychological, mental and emotional abuse that can be described as torture. These inhumane forms of treatment are unrelenting and long lasting. Constant barrages of volcanic rage, sadistic criticisms and humiliations can break the spouse down, creating a person who feels helpless and hopeless. Some of these individuals don't know how they will survive through another moment and others feel the pull to give up completely. The victim of narcissistic torture is a prisoner even if he or she lives in a mansion and leads a heady lifestyle. It is in the privacy of the inner walls of home and mind that the constant assaults on the self take place. Friends, relatives and acquaintances often believe that this is a perfect couple. They have everything and are high achievers. The external image is stunning in its perfection. Beneath this surface is pure hellish terror that lives inside the abused spouse. Never underestimate the lengths a narcissist will go to undermine and attempt to destroy a marital partner.

I have been in communication with spouses who were psychologically tortured for years and finally escaped their captor. The first step is recognizing the severity of what is being done to you, knowing that you absolutely do not deserve this treatment and that you can and will find ways to escape the narcissist and re-capture and reclaim your life. Good psychotherapy provides the opportunity for a strong steady therapeutic alliance that is an essential zone of safety for the client. There are support groups that help victims to recognize that they are not alone and have different life options. Work on building your spiritual foundation through a regular practice. This can take the form of meditation, prayer, gentle yoga. Your intuition is a life companion. Call upon this great gift often and it will strengthen and steady your entire life. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Friday, February 18, 2011

Sons of Narcissistic Mothers-Trapped in a Web of Deceit

Sons of narcissistic mothers who are chosen to be the star of the family, are showered with attention and special privileges. I have communicated with siblings from these families who speak about their role as scapegoats who were treated with cruelty, disdain and neglect. Sons of narcissistic mothers appear to have it all. They are perceived as perfect, superior, incapable of mistakes, given no limits and told they can do whatever they want. This includes perpetrating horrendous cruelties upon their brothers and sisters for which they remain unpunished.

Despite all of the special treatment as the golden child, sons of narcissistic mothers are ensnared by the narcissistic mother's trap. From the time they are very young the narcissistic mother molds this child in her likeness. She does not allow this growing child to be an authentic self. He is treasured for his gifts: handsomeness, charm, intellectual capacity, athletic talent, academic achievement. His uniqueness as a human being is not taken into account. The narcissistic son whom the mother "adores" is caught in a web of deceit.  Narcissistic sons are incapable of being genuine, of forming warm interpersonal relationships, of feeling truly separate and independent of mother. The narcissistic mother adores them and cherishes them strictly by her standards rather than allowing her son to separate and individuate from her and become a whole person who operates from his distinct center.

As a result of his bondage to mother, the narcissist despite his worldly success or achievements, is incapable of forming meaningful relationships. Sons of narcissistic mothers may marry a number of times. That does not mean that they love women. Narcissistic men fear and despise women. This is based on being possessed by mother in their earliest years. Unconsciously, they are furious and feel worthless beneath their grandiose facades and extreme levels of entitlement. Those who feel truly worthy and loved treat others as valued. They do not act or feel superior to anyone else. They celebrate their genuine individuality and are capable of  genuinely loving themselves and others. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Narcissists-Working on Your Last Nerve

Narcissists are cleverly manipulative people. They fool almost everyone.  They are constantly shifting and changing. When they want something from you, they know exactly how to get it. They are so convincing and persuasive, telling you how special you are, knowing exactly what you want, giving trips and gifts, even offers of marriage.

Narcissists put us through what I call a spin cycle. As the washing machine is finished with its last rinse, the motor revs up, increases velocity and begins to spin. This occurs you feel emotionally vulnerable, physically worn down, the narcissist goes on the attack.  Narcissists are high maintenance individuals. They must be the center of attention; they are demeaning and demanding. With their elaborate persona people think they areer wonderful. In  private there is always a rage factor with a narcissist, criticisms, humiliations and hyper-perfectionism. Narcissists are control freaks. Th chronically lie in imaginative ways. They lie to your face, eyes unblinking.

In making  decision about forming a close relationship with a partner, ask yourself these questions:
1. Is this person emotionally draining most of the time
2. Is this individual capable of listening or is he too in love with the sound of his voice
3. Does he or she has access to his genuine feelings
4. When I'm suffering or in pain, will he stop and be empathic in word and/or behavior
5.Does he or she give me the respect and space to use my creativity, intellectual pursuits, spiritual practice and socialize with close friends.
6. Is this person a source of stability and steadiness in my life.

True partners share themselves openly and are supportive and helpful, especially when we need them. 

The bottom line is empathy, compassion, a delightful sense of humor and someone who keeps your best interests at heart. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, February 14, 2011

Narcissists---So Good at Making Spouses Feel Badly

I have had many communications with spouses of narcissists who have suffered emotionally and psychologically from these unions. Decade over decade they have stayed with these punitive often sadistic individuals. Why? for a variety of complex reasons. Some spouses have become so psychologically dependent on the offending spouse that they are afraid to leave.  They worry about being alone. Often the narcissist has control over the finances and when the spouse asks for information, the narcissist flies into a classic rage. Narcissists don't like being questioned. They are the rulers of their households.Spouses become uncomfortably accustomed to obeying to the letter their own spouses. As long as you are sharing you life with a narcissist, your world is fixed. You feel trapped. You try to distract yourself with movies, food, reading, frenetic shopping, casual friends. This works but only temporarily and there you are again staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night.

Reclaiming your life from the narcissist isn't easy but it is worth it. Think carefully about all of your options. If you decide to sever your relationship legally, make sure you choose the finest attorney possible. Interview lawyers until you have found one who is highly experienced at family law and understands the tricks and games of the narcissist and their incredibly believable charm filled acts. Start thinking about the life you deserve to lead each day. Begin to calm your nervous system with relaxation, gentle yoga, aerobic exercise and meditation. Stay in contact with a friend whom you can trust (I'm talking about someone you can call at midnight and will be there for you). You are the author of your life---not the narcissist. As a result use all of your creativity, stamina, steadiness and perseverance to create the life that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissist-Essential Parts Missing-Conscience-Insight-Compassion

The narcissist is an incomplete human being. He/she lives as a false self that is grandiose, extremely self entitled,deceptive and exploitive. Narcissists are deluded all of their lives and they cannot change. The narcissistic society rewards narcissists, especially those who are at high levels of power. Narcissistic elites rule by intimidation, social and business connections their extensive  influence and their monetary power. Narcissist and ruthless have become synonymous terms.

Conscience, the capacity to distinguish what is right and wrong and to experience guilt when we have done harm to another is absent in the narcissist. These individuals do everything in their power not to get caught in their unethical and illegal deeds. Lack of conscience makes the narcissist's movement toward his goals much easier. He/she doesn't have to be concerned about the devastating effects of his misdeeds upon others. This includes family members: siblings, spouses, ex-spouses,children.

The narcissist lacks insight--the ability to examine and understand one's inner mental process as well as the perception of others. Narcissists are incapable of introspection and lack insight. They live from an external perspective. Their image, the persona they project to the world, how much money they have accumulated, the power they wield over others----these are their life priorities.

Above all the narcissist lacks compassion: "Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it." Narcissists have no compassion for their own children. Why would they care about any one else? They are consistently callous. There are exceptions when they are in the process of charming someone new in order to obtain power and control over a chosen victim. The spoils of these plots include monetary compensation as well as narcissistic supplies---praise and adulation.

One message I want to convey is that as much as you yearn for the narcissist to become compassionate, have a conscience and obtain insight--this is not going to happen, ever. The narcissist has a fixed personality disorder that formed early in childhood. The narcissist has no reason to change especially in this new age of narcissism which much of the population is striving to imitate.

You are a valuable unique individual. Follow your own path---forget what "society" is saying. What matters is the insights you are having every day. Keep faith with your self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Deflecting the Narcissist's Poisonous Projections

The narcissist is a projection machine. Rather than internalizing, introspecting or encouraging insight, the narcissist is always in the process of externalization. He/she is either basking in his perfection or plotting the next move that will weaken, topple or destroy a real or imagined enemy. 

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism an individual uses to protect himself from intolerable feelings of worthlessness, self loathing and forbidden impulses. The narcissist is continually projecting his/her venom on to others. This is particularly painful and harmful to his family---spouses and children. 

Learn to deflect the narcissist's projections. This person is constantly externalizing, reeling out one projection after another. You cannot control the narcissist's impulses but you can be in command of yourself. A daily practice of stilling the mind and gentle forms of yoga that emphasize focus on the breath provide  a steady mental and psychological foundation. These practices are thousands of years old and have served yogis and layman in a profound way. Learn to access the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of yourself that is calm, relaxed, at peace. Find consistent activities that help you to let go and feel the refreshing reduction of stress. A master acupuncturist whom I know reminds her patients after she places the needles: "Let yourself go down and settle." She is speaking about the innate part of ourselves that naturally seeks peace in the body, mind and psyche. Learn to access these states. Be consistent and these practices will become part of your daily life. 

When it is possible, minimize contact with narcissists. This is a tall order since many people in positions of power are narcissists. If you have to be in their presence, try to be in the company of another.  Being alone is the best opportunity for the narcissist to pounce. When the projection comes remind yourself that this shred of debris is emerging out of him/her. It does not belong to you. You are impervious to his attempts at ambush or one on one combat. Beneath it all, the narcissist is a coward---hitting and wounding others when they are down, feeding off of vulnerabilities and weaknesses, setting bait and traps that will harm and even destroy other human beings. These people are often despicable. With today's narcissistic society giving them a pass (because so many of them are successful in the world) look to yourself. You are not alone. I hear from those who have been victimized by these predators and have prevailed over them. Wisdom is eternal---He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." ---Lao-tsu
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife,com 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Narcissist's Secret Envy II

Narcissists, especially those who are highly successful, appear to glide smoothly through life, taking everything they can. They cheat people and get away with it, lie at every turn, manipulate everyone in their circle, especially family members, psychologically harm the most vulnerable around them----and still are not brought to judgment. If they are very high level narcissists most of them around these highly entitled individuals give them a pass despite all of the pain they cause others.

Despite all of their professional triumphs, constant adulation and financial success, narcissists secretly envy what they perceive they cannot have. Envy is a feeling of unease that becomes an obsession of coveting another's success, possessions, public image and importance. People keep their envies secret. Narcissists would never share these feelings with anyone. We see this envy in their blood thirsty competitiveness. If they are worth hundred of millions, they seek billionaire status like their brothers and sisters in that special enclave.  Narcissists are all about money. I have had the displeasure of sitting next to a high level narcissist at a dinner event. Besides a running litany of self, he pent most of his time talking about money---his tatus and power, how clever he had been at acquiring money and his grandiose vision for accumulating larger sums and multitudes of material possessions. Conversations with narcissists are always one way streets---they do all of the talking and bragging. You cannot get in a word without being rude. If you manage a half sentence, they will interrupt you and move back to their favorite topic---themselves.

Narcissists secretly envy what they cannot have. On an unconscious level they know that they cannot ever have an authentic relationship with anyone, even their own children. This obsessive need is played out in their  chronic restlessness and frenetic acrobatics from one relationship to another. Narcissists crowd their lives with constant activity that will bring them an abundance of narcissistic supplies, particularly praise and adulation. Envy can fuel the narcissist's rage. If he loses an important contact that feeding his narcissism or is overlooked for a power position he has prized, the narcissist flies into a fury. He despises and envies the individual who bettered him. The narcissist doesn't have any real relationships. Empty, shallow and alone, he leads a counterfeit life, unable to make a warm meaningful connection with anyone.

Having people in our lives whom we can count on  and care about us deeply, have our welfare uppermost in their minds and are supportive of our growth as individuals is invaluable----worth more than every possession, material acquisition and accolade that the narcissist ever received. His/her world is delusional and inauthentic.

Your daily life is a testimony to the healing and growth of your the unique self and the sharing of your strength and open heart  to ease the suffering of others. Savor these moments of your life every day. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.
Buy the book: amazon and amazon.kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Returning to a Narcissist-Choose Wisdom over a Child's Wishes

You have been there so many times---the irresistible charm, being impressed with professional status, physical attraction, extravagant promises, a new life vision, unlimited possibilities, a wonderful powerful person with whom to share your life.

It is so tempting, remembering the peak times, the emotional highs, putting the ugliness in the background---forgetting chronic rages, demands for  perfection, the wearing down and grinding down to exhaustion, the 24/7 demands, the deceits and betrayals, the bombardment of lies.

Much of the reason to return to narcissists lies in the unfulfilled needs and wishes of childhood of the narcissist's victims.These needs and wishes are often forgotten or lie in the recesses of the unconscious. Some victims strongly feel that they don't deserve to be treated with respect as a separate individual. They were never loved, accepted, experienced parental warmth. In some instances their parents were narcissists. Many of those who return to the narcissist are repeating this destructive childhood pattern.

No one person or persons can satisfy or respond perfectly to them. Eventually, many do the hard work of recognizing, accepting and repairing the psychological and emotional damage. As a result we are free from parental conditioning  and become independent from the family of origin.
Awaken and choose wisdom and intuition as you move toward becoming separate, steady and strong. Take your life in your hands. Now you are free. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Monday, February 7, 2011

Family Members of Narcissists-Abused-Discarded-Abandoned

The current societal climate rewards narcissists, especially high level ones, with stratospheric positions of power. Using their underplayed ruthlessness and a single minded focus they climb to the top by any means. Many in this culture worship economic status above personal character. It is fashionable even enviable to be a narcissist in some circles. Being overly full of oneself is expected---that's called self confidence. Conscience is overrated. Why stay awake at night because someone who was naive was sacrificed for your benefit. 

The painful destructive consequences to the personal lives of the narcissist's victims don't matter to a growing number in this culture. Children and spouses of narcissists pay a very high and often tragic price for being dumped and discarded. Narcissists never look back on their abandoned families. Once they are of no use, they cease to exist. Narcissists compartmentalize and have no real feelings of intimacy or compassion. With a whisper of conscience and a maniacal devotion to making money despite personal sacrifices of family members, the narcissist moves forward with warp speed, leaving misery, psychological devastation and tragedy in his/her wake. 

Those who are left to put their lives together after the narcissist are psychologically bruised like soldiers who have been in the pitch of battle for years without respite. After the recognition and adjustment to being on their own, these brave survivors begin to reconstruct their lives. Their thoughts, feelings, inspirations, insights belong to them. No one is interring with their mental process or constantly criticizing them. They are free to make their own decisions and to seek those whom they can trust and who will facilitate their healing. Creating a life that is elegant in its simplicity, peaceful in its environment and embraces creativity, spontaneity, uses of the imagination and spirit represents the beginning of a renewed cycle of emotional and psychological growth. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-Appreciate Your Uniqueness

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can spend years coming to the realization that they were raised by a woman who was a non-mother. Cold, manipulative, self-obsessed, vain, dismissive, hyper-critical, cunning, without conscience, deceitful---these are a few of the adjectives that describe the narcissistic "mother." Psychologically, her breasts are permanently dry and unyielding---She cannot give sustenance to her little daughter.  Her glance is vacant. There is no light in her eyes, no emotional contact--not a whit of tenderness. The narcissistic mother is a one woman show. She expects her daughter to adore her. She is at center stage, demanding applause. Maria Riva, daughter of the famous screen siren, Marlene Dietrich, in the memoir of her mother, talks about her role as servant to her mother. Maria was always at Marlene's disposal day and night for all of her mother's life. She arranged her clothing for special occasions, parties and even spent hundred of hours on movie sets where Marlene was working. Maria, the brilliant little girl, survived by mirroring the ultra-self-absorbed Marlene perfectly. She learned from her earliest days that that was what she had to do to survive. Maria was told secrets and observed behaviors between her parents which were traumatic, especially for a small child. Narcissistic mothers never think of protecting their children. The child is another narcissistic supply and an unpaid servant. Her individual being is meaningless and insignificant. Maria Riva is an excellent writer and her memoir is superb in illustrating the true nature of the narcissistic mother.

Daughters of narcissistic mother have to fend for themselves unless they are the chosen golden girl who is raised like a member of royalty. For the narcissistic mother, this child is the ultimate narcissistic supply. Many of the chosen daughters become narcissistic. The cycle of destructive narcissism continues through another generation. Unchosen daughters grow up to fast. They never have real childhoods. They are always either cowering from mother's threats, criticisms or psychological and physical blows or hiding like an invisible ghost along the corners of mother's life, hoping and praying not to be discovered.

The psychological identities of these daughters are obscured by the giant shadow cast by the narcissistic mother. One of the goals of these daughters is to go deep within, acknowledge who they are as individuals, validate their uniqueness, express it and celebrate their lives. Achieving this goal may require the help of skillful psychotherapy, participation in support groups, the close ties of friends.  Creative pursuits that free up the daughter from her family of origin and a consistent spiritual practice in the way that you define this, are powerful ways to re-claim your individuality and expand and grow a solid sense of the authentic self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

No One Can Destroy You Psychologically

If you survived your childhood---and that is a very tall order for many abused, neglected and deprived children--- no one can psychologically harm you.It usually takes most of us a number of painful experiences to come to this realization. After all what we had to do to remain alive emotionally and psychologically meant that we had to become invisible, pretend who we weren't, cower in a corner and hope that we would not be hit, hide from our parents at friends' houses, disappear into libraries to escape the horrors of home and fill our minds with useful intellectual information. Libraries become a place of refuge for many children. In books we enter a world of enchantment where we can be transported to other worlds and away from the constant psychological pain of our dysfunctional families.

Those who have suffered abuse and neglect often choose as partners, individuals who will continue these kinds of behaviors. We are drawn back to what was familiar to us,even though it made our lives intolerable. Many children learn very early that they are unworthy of kindness or empathy. They become inured to cruelty and neglect. As they grow up they unconsciously expect this kind of treatment from others, including prospective partners.

At some point victims of emotional and psychological abuse wake up. Maybe the last time of being humiliated and shamed and even struck in the face by a spouse or partner was the last straw. They say to themselves: "I will not take this kind of treatment ever again." This time they mean it and begin their journey toward healing and wholeness. No one can harm or destroy you psychologically. Learn to appreciate that you are a valuable unique human being who deserves respect and the reciprocation of love and appreciation. Send this message to others who are still suffering and trapped in this old cycle of abuse. Your life has begun anew---Keep your light shining day and night. You deserve to live with a spacious calm mind, the reciprocation of love and friendship and deep inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

High Level Sociopaths in Positions of Power-Are You Married to One?

There is a personality disorder spectrum from pathological narcissism to sociopathy.  The kind of sociopath I speak of doesn't personally attack another person with mortal physical force. From his point of view that would be absurd, ineffective and put him in prison. The high level sociopath destroys people slowly with pseudo empathy and feigned kindness. That is the demonic genius of the high level sociopath. He takes you into his confidence. Some people fall in love with these individuals and no matter what harm they have caused, continue to live with and defend them.

The high level sociopath is exceedingly narcissistic--self absorbed, exhibiting convincing pseudo empathy, personally magnetic, often very bright, cunning, cleverly exploitive.  They wouldn't be careless and impulsive to blow their elaborate persona of perfection, superiority or the misperception by others that they are "good people." The high level sociopath operates to achieve his goals through his masterful control and manipulation of others. The high level sociopath is ultra confident. He has no limits. He is often seen as a business visionary. Some of these psychological predators accomplish a great deal in the world, building empires and fiefdoms that amass large fortunes. This is the public face and imprint that these high level sociopaths send to the world---their global image. This is a small fragment of their true nature. In private the high level sociopath operates in a different mode. He/she is cold, distant, enraged, hyper-perfectionistic and hyper-critical, autocratic and without mercy.

These individuals are the ultimate nightmare as parents. They are incapable of playing this role. Their children are used like chess pieces in a high stakes game. They don't give a damn about how their small child is responding to them as long as the parent is in complete control of them. Some of these sociopaths discard and ignore their children, sending them off to full time nannies, boarding schools and military schools as early as possible. They want nothing to do with children other than using them to build up their image of a great father. In some cases these sociopaths choose a favored child that is groomed to become a part of his echo of perfection and power---this child becomes a strong source of narcissistic supply. The sociopath has huge bragging rights about the high achieving child he has created. Children who are not chosen for these special roles are thrown away, psychologically imprisoned, treated with extreme cruelty. If his children are not performing at the level he insists, some sociopathic parents abandon the entire family and re-constitute themselves with a new adoring spouse who has no clue about this form of psychopathology.

I am in communication with a number of individuals who unwittingly married high level sociopaths. They often have no clue that they are married to a person who is bent on destroying others in order to make it to the top.
The heady lifestyle that the high level sociopath provides for his puppet spouse is irresistible. Feeling financially secure, having anything at your fingertips that you desire, being seen as important and special----all of these narcissistic supplies shared by the non-narcissistic spouse are very difficult to give up. Many spouses stay with the high level sociopath indefinitely despite the heavy toll that this partnership takes on them. Throwing in one's fate with one of these vipers stunts your creativity, your capacity to become separate, to expand, deepen and grow psychologically and spiritually.

These sociopaths are all consuming. They suck out the creative and emotional oxygen from your life. You never have respite or peace. Sociopaths do whatever they want without any sense of consequences to the welfare of others. Everything is about their march to the pinnacle of power, the need to vanquish their many enemies, to morally compromise their close associates to bend to their will. Those who defy them are endangered psychologically and emotionally. These sociopaths are vengeful and never forget who has transgressed against their iron will.

If you are married to a high level sociopath, it is advisable that you sever this relationship---especially to protect your children. The sooner you make this move, the better. This person is not going to change---ever!
Apply your intuition, listen to your internal voices and act in your best psychological, emotional and spiritual interests. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com