Friday, June 6, 2014

Narcissists Take Your Life Away

"The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone...All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive..." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

The narcissist's charm, the way he zeros in on you, appears to read your mind and knows exactly what you want and need is truly remarkable. Narcissists are gifted at the chase. Once they decide they want you in their lives it is very difficult to say "no". You have no idea what will happen to you down the road because you have been hypnotized by his charm, his focus on you, the way he makes you feel.

There is the real narcissist beneath the irresistible facade--the highly developed false self. Eventually if you stay with a narcissist long enough----marry one, have children with them--you will encounter the dark side just beneath the surface. Here there is seething rage, criticisms that cut to the bone, demands that can never be met, humiliations that no one should ever endure, threats to take away your children and to ruin you financially. Yes, that is what is waiting beneath the seductive smile that promises you everything.

(This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Ultimately, staying with a narcissistic spouse means that you are eclipsing your life. Some spouses make this agreement and decide that they have gone down this road so far that they cannot turn back. The lifestyle is what attracts and sustains them. However, they become psychological prisoners of the narcissistic spouse.

Your life is not your own even if you are able to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. He is always on your mind. There is no real solitude or peace. You deserve to lead your own life despite your marriage or partnership. One road to your freedom is to study the narcissistic personality in-depth. This will reveal a very different story and wake you up. You are entitled to use all of your creative gifts, to expand you individuality not contract to fit someone else's vision.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Narcissistic Parents Sabotage Their Children

By definition sabotage is a "treacherous action." Treachery when perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It is beyond ruthlessness.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day. The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities.

Some children who have this experience are in a constant state of anxiety--fight or flight syndrome.The narcissist--mother or father or both rule the household. Screams and demands--slaps and threats can be heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don't love their children. They use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected or treated abysmally. Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sacred flame, to camouflage their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.

Adult children heal through a combination of pathways that they discover work best for them as individuals. There is no one way, given the trauma ridden childhoods that they sustain. Psychotherapy with highly empathic trained psychotherapists is one aspect of this healing for some. Bring the body/mind into balance is essential to this process. This takes many forms including the practice of gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the re-awakening of your creativity, finding relationships of trust and respect, learning to put yourself first and to practice self love and self care. Learning how to received the affection that others have for you is all part of this healing phase. Healing is a lifetime process, an evolution of the self that takes as many forms as there are individuals.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Narcissistic Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Psychotherapists Prey on Desperate Individuals

I hear life stories of individuals who have suffered not only from their psychological problems and emotional pain but in addition have been harmed by narcissistic therapists of all kinds---psychologists, psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, etc. There are dedicated, brilliant, empathic professionals who help their clients and patients to heal. These individuals go the extra mile always to be present both in the office and on call for their patients. They help to change the lives of their patients so that they can move forward to become their true selves and to live freely with full use of their many gifts.

I have had the experience of "working" with several highly trained narcissistic therapists whom I have personally seen. They did very little good and in some instances--harm. They took my money without a hint of doubt and kept me going to them as long as I met their need for narcissistic supply.  The longer I attended therapy sessions, the more money they made to satisfy their greed motive. Fortunately, I learned to recognize non-therapists and extricate myself from them. I want you to be able to do the same and to find therapists who are doing the real work of helping you heal.

Narcissistic therapists are in very large supply these days, just as they are in our population. The current society rewards narcissists handsomely for many of the traits that make them harmful to others: extreme self entitlement, ruthlessness, lack of conscience and ethics, complete lack of empathy, winning at all costs at the psychological peril of those closest to them, lack of genuine emotional and psychological intimacy, deceitfulness, chronic incessant lying.

I am not talking about becoming successful as negative. It is wonderful that people do well, use their gifts, move up in the world, become educated, are creative at their work and are paid well.
Narcissistic therapists control patients who come to them often in a state of emergency and desperation. They feel emotionally dependent. They are in crisis. They have tried many ways to heal themselves before they knock on the door of the narcissistic therapist. They are at the mercy of this person with the credentials, the education and the clinical experience that speaks of their qualifications to treat them. It doesn't matter how great the credentials and training is if the individual you are seeing is a narcissistic personality disorder. By definition this person is incapable of genuine empathy which is essential to the healing process in psychotherapy.

Narcissistic therapists have a money motive. Often their fees get higher and higher as the patient becomes more desperate. Narcissistic greed is running their show.
Pay attention to the signs of a narcissistic psychotherapist:
1. Inability to listen carefully and take in what you are saying and how you are feeling.
2. A lack of empathy--the incapacity to experience what you are feeling from your perspective. Some narcissistic therapists blame the patient for his problems. Narcissistic therapists are bored with their patients. You notice boredom particularly in the nonverbal behaviors of the therapist (lack of eye contact, sleepiness, restlessness, inability to be still and listen).
3. Inordinate focus on fees and insisting on very large fees that are out of line with the professional services offered.
4. Psychotherapists who project their unconscious venom on to their patients.
5. Psychotherapists who foster unnecessary dependence on patients to make them come to additional sessions that will bring them more money.
6. Psychotherapists who talk about their private lives. You are paying them to talk about themselves. That is completely unprofessional and a red flag that this person is a narcissist.
I hear from individuals who are in the process of healing from narcissists in their lives. They are doing the hard work each day of becoming the person and leading the lives that they deserve. You are entitled to find and work with a psychotherapist who is worthy of you. Remember you are in charge. You decide after doing your research and interviewing who will work best with you. And remember as well, that you do not have to stay  with any therapist. You can always terminate. You hired this person to help you heal and you deserve the very best.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Children of Narcissists--Heal and Evolve

We are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother. This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother is a narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never was.
This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being---an invaluable one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth again--Your special imprint will never appear again past, present, future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original self--the person you were meant to be.
Healing often begins with grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs, constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn't ask to be the child of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the "relationship" with this non mother. Other members of the family may object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS --MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO HEAL.
Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.
There are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your creativity. If you draw and paint, do this--Start a healing art book. Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am honored by their presence in the world.
Keep evolving--there are no limits---keep loving--Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.
You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Shameless Narcissists Project Shame on Their Spouses

Shame is a complex intolerable feeling of being exposed, wanting to disappear, emotional vulnerability, feeling inferior and worthless. Each person feels shame in his or her own way. A child who feels shame has been shamed by parent(s) siblings or other family members. Shaming a child is a way of controlling them--making them feel small and helpless.Chronic shaming abuse leaves a painful imprint on the psyche..
Narcissists are shameless. They have no sense of limits or consideration for others. Narcissists lie shamelessly, attempt to destroy your reputation, even have you fired---For these serious transgressions of human decency they feel no shame. Not having a conscience facilitates narcissists in their outrageous and hurtful behaviors.

Narcissists are particularly brutal with their spouses. They create reasons to shame their partners. Riding along with the shaming is their volcanic rage. Here there is no let up. They constantly scream in your face, slam doors, hit walls, then revert to the silent treatment. At the end of these wretched scenes the narcissist blames you for disturbing him. Narcissistic spouses are constantly finding ways to whittle you down psychologically, to keep you desperate, to throttle your nerve endings.

Shaming is one of their most effective cruelties. It is especially pernicious if you were shamed as a child. Some spouses take this toxic kind of abuse because it is so familiar to them. They unconsciously turn to a narcissistic spouse to reinforce how they feel about themselves from childhood. Some spouses, after years of being belittled and laughed out and dragged through the mud of abuse, wake up and realize they don't deserve to be treated in this abusive manner.

The work of separating permanently from the narcissistic spouse has begun. This passage may not be easy or smooth but it is worth the journey. I am in communication with many spouses who have made this final separation from the narcissistic spouse. With the help of the support of family members and/or other members of their social group together with those who benefit from excellent psychotherapy, they taste freedom for the first time in their lives. They don't have to make excuses for who they are. They feel no shame or hesitation as they move toward healing and wholeness.

Friday, May 16, 2014

You Can't Fix A Narcissistic Mother

If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you have worn
yourself out, trying to make her different. She suffers from a severe,
fixed personality disorder that does not change. Her lies, the terror
that she inflicts, her psychological and emotional blows upon you are
unconscious projections of her self hatred. This is not about you; it's
about her psychopathology.  Stop blaming yourself, if that's what you
have been doing since you were a child. Free yourself of guilt.
If a brother or sister of yours has been treated since birth as a prince
or princess, that's because mother chose them to mirror her belief that
she is perfect. She aspired to create a clone of herself. Having a
chosen brother or sister in the family makes life more painful. You were
always compared with the perfect one and of course came up short. None
of this is true but how could you have known when you were a small
child. Now you know that this sibling is a full fledged narcissistic
personality---another person you want to avoid and who has a complete
lack of empathy.

We can heal and change our attitudes toward ourselves. We must develop self mercy and look at the small child inside of us who has suffered so much and soothe and give love to this
little one. Great healing takes place by going into the calming mode in the nervous system. This is done in a variety of ways. Gentle yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nostrils brings a feeling of deep
relaxation into the body/mind. Cardiovascular exercise (what works
for you) removes obsessive thinking and brings us to a state of peace. Some people benefit from working with an excellent acupuncturist who facilitates your dropping down into the most restful state. Listening to
calming music, sketching, journaling are all ways to switch us back to
where you belong--in  a state of rest and peace.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Don't Get Back on Narcissist's Dangerous Ride

When you live with or are married to a narcissist you are in psychological danger. Once you have recognized who this person really is--a pernicious, totally selfish, often vicious and vengeful human being--make your exit. Previous spouses and partners of narcissists are often drawn back into the narcissist's lair with promises of having everything they want. A narcissist knows how to "apologize" and make up. This post refers to male and female narcissists.)  He offers you the most tempting rewards. He says that he has changed and learned from his mistakes. This is his run of lies that sound so appealing---He took you for granted. He cheated on you and now says he was a bad person. He adeptly puts on his humble act. That's what this is --Acting-- Method acting in its highest form. He wants you back as one of his narcissistic supplies. You are an integral part of his image (which is his reality). You may have other assets that he covets--social and business connections, high professional standing. He knows that he can fool you again. Don't fall for the "changed man" "I saw the Light" routine.
Narcissists are fixed personality disorders that do not change. They are etched in early childhood. Many of these men are golden boys who learned by the age of five that they were perfect and superior and that they could use and abuse anyone to get to their goal.

You hear the familiar words, the music begins--Don't grant the narcissist another dance!!! Create your own production. Get the professional help you may need. Surround yourself with a small cohesive support system. Pay attention to your intuition. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit.
You will recover and prevail.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Monday, May 12, 2014

Cruel Narcissistic Sister Rules Household

Narcissistic siblings do not change. As little children they already
have become self entitled to the hilt. I remember visiting one of these
dysfunctional families. It was startling. Soon after I arrived the
parents' four year old was hitting her little brother. The parents said nothing to her. They "woke up" for a moment and in a frail voice the mother said: "Dear, that's not
very nice." That's it.

I remember that this pint sized tyrant demanded every one’s attention. She kept interrupting the adult conversation to talk about herself incessantly. The mother listened to her daughter intently. I could sense that this was very common in this household. This child was running the show.

I got reports from other relatives and friends of the family that (let’s call  her  Allison)  had gotten worse. Her brother was the constant target of physical and emotional abuse. The parents still did not intervene. It was as if they were afraid of the tyrant in their midst. Her demands and cruelties continued and became more serious. The
little brother often hid in his room to avoid Allison the Hun. I returned to this home a number of times and found Allison to be a growing tyrant.

Many years later I was invited to Allison’s wedding. She was a Bridezilla beyond belief. . Her maids of honor were criticized and psychologically beaten down and told exactly what they could do and not do. They were intimidated by the bride. This full grown narcissist was now running the entire family.

Her brother was still traumatized from the years of abuse by her and obliviousness by the parents. He fortunately moved away, married and had very little contact with his narcissistic sister.

If you have a narcissistic sibling, these life stories are no mystery to you. The question is: How much more are you going to take? Narcissists don't change. They  
grow older and crueler. Learn to give priority to your own life, to your talents, your dreams, your personal relationships, your creativity.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Your Finely Tuned Intuition Protects Against the Narcissist

Intuition is an instantaneous knowing of the truth. It is faster than rational thought. You cannot study or analyze the truth that comes forth from intuition. To get in touch with your intuition it is essential that you are in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system that part of us that represents the calming healing part of ourselves. this is both scientific and mystical. Everyone can learn to tune in to his intuition if you become receptive to this great gift.

Deep breathing through the nostrils that is done through yoga asanas is one of the ways to get in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system. Gentle yoga poses using nostril breathing calms the nervous system and puts us in a state of restoration. The more often we are consistently in this state the stronger our capacity to heal. Powers of intuition are enhanced by calming the body and the mind.
The narcissist overwhelms everyone in his environment. He is the powerful one, the ruler and controller of everyone's life. When you grow up with or are married to a narcissist, your life does not belong to you. the narcissist has chosen acolytes. It is not unusual for narcissistic parents to pick one or two children whom they mold into perfect replicas of themselves. These individuals are conditioned to becoming false grandiose selves that develop into narcissistic personalities.

Those who are married to narcissists often wake up and realize that they are being abused, that their lives are narrowing, their options diminishing, their gifts are faded memories, their energies are sapped. They have reached a turning point. They start studying the narcissistic personality everywhere they can get this material. They open their eyes and recognized sometimes for the first time that their parents are narcissists and that they are married to a narcissist or that they have narcissistic siblings or an entire narcissistic family. They are at a decision point pivotal to the rest of their lives. They now know they can no longer live as a prisoner of the narcissist. They move step by step toward detaching themselves psychologically from this toxic individual.

Some find help with skilled psychotherapists who understand the true nature of the narcissist and can form a strong therapeutic alliance that will provide them with support and insight. Developing your deep intuition is part of the freedom process. Use the techniques that work for you to become more and more receptive to your intuition. It is waiting for you to ask for assistance. The more often you use this great gift the more powerful and natural to you it becomes. Intuition is very real and can be highly developed with consistent work. It is part of your pathway to freedom and protection from the narcissist in your life and opens the doors to healing and the reclaiming of your real self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Friday, May 9, 2014

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--You Are Not Alone

When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time. Many daughters
don't realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred
on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your
childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
she is.

Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic
mothers literally beat their children. They make sure that the marks
won't show so there will be no obvious evidence of their cruelties.
Other mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.
They pit one child against the other. They are cold and unexpressive.
They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always
busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with
their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of
surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.
When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with
her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the
narcissistic mother's revenge. These daughters then become a constant
target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she
will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls
out, saying that she simply can't afford it. This is an all out lie. She
has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother's horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom
she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they
have weathered horrible abuse--daily intimidations and humiliations. She
constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that
she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending
to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not
bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and
on---endlessly undermining this child.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers that say: "enough" and leave their households
early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can
be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them
with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.
 Whatever stage of dealing with your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother
is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over three generations and thousands of miles--so beautiful so determined, so wonderful.
To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Omg--I Married A Sociopath

You are painfully discovering that the man you married is not only a narcissist, he is a sociopath. (This post applies to male and female sociopaths.) The warning signs were there early but you were so dazzled by his perfect charming irresistible facade that you didn't notice. He had all of the qualities that you had been searching for. He was confident, intelligent, successful, good looking, socially skilled. And he was so taken with you that you couldn't say no. There was a part of you that said: "This is the guy; if I let him go I will never find another man like him. I will have missed my chance." Certainly you had no idea of the real nature of the bargain that you were striking. It was a deal with the devil and you were easy prey. With all of this said, do not blame yourself now. You could not have known that this man was a sociopath (I call them bloodless sociopaths because they don't commit physically violent crimes) Their crimes are psychological, emotional and financial.

I have read and heard from so many women/men who have fallen into this trap. As the number of narcissists increases every day, the number of bloodless sociopaths swells as well. Being ruthless, lacking conscience (if you can get away with what you want to do without getting caught) stepping on the feelings of others, pushing those who are weaker out of the way, exploiting the vulnerable-----These personality traits and the behaviors and consequences of them have become unimportant to many in the current society today. As long as you get the goods, make the big money, are clever at getting around the laws and have the right connections and an impeccable image, you are praised , raised up, financially rewarded and by some who are mesmerized by you---considered a hero, an innovator.

This is all delusion--the greatest act in the world that most people believe, even the relatives of the victims of the sociopathic husband. In the darkness of your bedroom late at night, you are brutalized psychologically. You are derided, criticized and treated like a piece of trash. You are always in fight or flight mode--there is no let up. Your blood pressure is high; you are getting constant infections and flus. You can't sleep at night and you wake up with a start. "What is he going to do next?" You keep asking and the answer is-- Plenty.
First, recognize that you are married to a psychological criminal --a person who doesn't give a damn about you and will replace you with someone else if he already hasn't.

Make your plans in secret to get out of the marriage and to protect the assets that you have. That includes your emotional, physical and psychological health. Get ahead of his game. Research attorneys and find one who is so smart, clever and your absolute advocate--a person who is very grounded and remains exceedingly calm in dealing with these vipers. You need a veteran of these ugly divorce wars. Keep your circle of real friends tightly around you and make sure that no one says a word about your plans. Seek short term quality psychotherapy if you think that will provide you with a therapeutic alliance that you need at this time. Call upon a few friends who are there for you at any time.

Keep your plans very close to the vest. Don't change your mind. At some point he may get the scent that you are on to his game and try to woo you back with enticements.Be faithful to yourself and your future as a free individual who deserves to use all of your creative gifts and energies and to experience healing and deep inner peace.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Narcissists Abusers--Their Human Beasts of Burden

A beast of burden is defined as an animal who carries heavy loads or must do very hard work.

Narcissists often put their children, spouses, siblings and others in these roles as human beasts of burden. In effect their children, spouses and siblings are their servants.

The narcissist is imperious. He/she is the ruler in every "relationship." Children of narcissists lead their lives at the mercy, whim, impulse, psychopathology of their highly disturbed parents. The narcissist gives orders--quite literally--and those close to him/her are expected to obey on the spot. Growing up, children depend on the parent for survival. They have no alternative. Being raised by a narcissistic parent, the child has no real support, validation, emotional closeness, feeling of security or protection or sense of entitlement (unless he is the golden child and adored).  Children growing up with a narcissistic parent(s) describe that they felt like prisoners in their own homes. Often they hid from the narcissistic mother or father, fearing that they would have to tolerate one more screaming session, accusation, humiliation, volleys of criticisms and threats. These children live under emotional and psychological siege. They have trouble sleeping at night. They feel unsafe in their own homes. Some suffer from constant free floating anxiety.

 The narcissistic parent is highly demanding of what he or she wants and must have. Angry commands must be responded to. Chores must be done perfectly on the spot. Nothing is ever good enough for the narcissistic parent. He/she always finds flaws and the child is at fault. This is the narcissist's serious delusional state not the child's.

The child of a narcissistic parent is likely to marry a narcissist, repeating the psychological pattern of abuse.
The narcissistic spouse is imperious as well--making outrageous demands, throwing criticisms right and left, making the partner feel unworthy and defective. Many spouses of these narcissists stay married to them. They continue to take the psychological blows and to become human beasts of burden who will do the bidding of the narcissistic partner, regardless of how depleted, exhausted or frustrated they are. They are devoted to someone who is hurting them. They feel the stress and pain in their bodies and the mental distress---yet they continue in these roles, often throughout the marriage. When the narcissist gets too bored with someone he/she can kick around too easily, this person will be discarded and replaced.
Some narcissistic spouses keep their human beasts of burden indefinitely. They have found someone who is loyal, will always fulfill their every need--regardless of its outrageousness and continue to adore and provide the narcissist with cascades of narcissistic supplies. 

Adult children of narcissistic parents have a long road that they travel to recovering their true selves and repairing their psyches from their exposure to emotional and psychological battlefields. Many find wholeness and inner peace through a variety of practices including guided meditation, gentle hatha yoga, exercise that works for them, finding support from those whom they trust and understand what they have endured, through creative spontaneous writing, music that soothes them, acupuncture that puts the patient in the parasympathetic nervous system, etc.

Those married to narcissists who awaken to the truth that they have been the victims of narcissistic abuse, sever these relationships, go through the divorce process and begin to put their lives back together in the ways that are healing to them. They no longer live under the control of a narcissistic partner. They are human beasts of burden no longer. Their role now is to lead the life that they deserve--to awaken to the fact that they are entitled to inner peace, a healthy sense of entitlement and a strong knowing that they are more than good enough. Remember that if you have been in one of these dreadful marriages, you can and will heal.

Visit my 
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Friday, May 2, 2014

Sociopathic Narcissists Have the Killer Instinct

The grandiose narcissist needs to have his/her ego constantly stroked. He knows how to reel people in. He plays to their dependency needs, material desires, their aspirations for wealth and power. He can
take one look at a woman and know how to get her under his control. Many women fall for this master of charm with all the gilded promises. With a narcissist you are lead to believe that you life will be unlimited,
that you can have every high and pleasurable experience you've ever wanted, that you will never have to worry about money, security, social status. You will always be royal. Woman with very successful careers and professions still fall for charming narcissistic men. They become
entranced, hypnotized.The sociopathic narcissist is several steps beyond his classic brother narcissist. He doesn't have a whiff of conscience. He is involved in illegal activities as part of his lifestyle. He secretly leads a number of lives and has a keen killer instinct. You get in his way and your life is toast. That is the force of his dangerous darkness. He may threaten you openly or keep his plans secret but watch out if you confront him. Those who go along with him are not leading their own lives. They stay there because of all the perks which are a constant distraction like a merry go round that is moving faster and faster. The giddiness of having anything you want is intoxicating.

Sociopathic narcissists are disastrous parents. They are incapable of forming any kind of relationship with them. Sometimes the child looks up to the father or mother because this
person is very successful and powerful. Some narcissistic sociopaths choose one child to mirror him. He becomes the golden boy or girl and can do no wrong.

Sociopathic narcissists are psychological killers in business. They terrorize their rivals. They
have close allies and partners that make the lives of their competitors a living hell. They step over ethical and legal boundaries all of the time and don't get caught because they have a coterie of killer instinct sociopathic lawyers.

When you decide to divorce a sociopathic narcissist, make your preparations secretly and take your time to do a lot of research. Interview several attorneys who understand the way these people tick. The soon to be ex is out for blood and will stop at nothing to win.  Find an attorney who is not intimidated in the slightest with these personalities, someone who remains calm when the long knives come out. Use all of your resources to get the support you need. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful during this time. Find friends that are available to support you and stick with this ordeal. You will prevail. Keep telling yourself that
this is a marathon and you are up to the race and will cross the finish line with a smile on your face.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Rage-Grief-Healing

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. From childhood they have had to contend with mothers who were cold, distracted, self-absorbed, coercive, dismissive, manipulative, highly critical and psychologically destructive. Many daughters of narcissistic mothers remain in denial about their mother's true nature. They blame themselves for manufactured short comings and flaws that were the product of the projections of a delusional narcissistic mother. These mothers live for themselves. They come in as many shapes and sizes and styles as there are plants on the planet. But when we look at the essential realities of their natures they are the same. Narcissistic mothers have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Their children are at their mercy and whim. Their daughters are a continuing source of narcissistic supply. If they are intelligent, have special talents, athletic abilities, are attractive---the narcissistic mother uses these qualities of her child to pump up her ego and grandiose image. The child doesn't matter to her---only the perfect performance that will impress those in her circle of social or professional influence. Narcissistic mothers test two daughters to see which one will be the standout. One will be favored over the other and this will become painfully obvious to the daughter who is not chosen. Often the narcissistic mother and the budding narcissistic daughter form a dark alliance designed to psychologically immobilize and even decimate the rejected child.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to contend with the multiple cruelties perpetrated by these mothers from hell. Rage is often the first reaction of the wounded daughter. She hates her mother. She is furious about this woman who was mother in name only and tried to destroy the life of her own child. Beneath the rage is a gnawing grief---a pervasive feeling of loss over what the daughter never had--a loving protective mother who accepted and nurtured her child as a separate individual with no strings attached.
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers find that working with a highly skilled psychotherapist helpful in working through the narcissistic mother rage and grief. Those inclined to go in this direction must make sure that they choose a therapist very wisely.There are excellent ones but it takes research and the full use of your intuition and powers of observation to pick the right therapist for you.

The next step is healing and wholeness. We are designed to be whole, complete, separate, thriving individuals. When you have worked through the rage and grieving, you discover that the deep authentic parts of you are there ready to be activated. This is a complex process. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers move in a spiritual direction (in the personal way that you define this). They develop a consistent meditation practice that works for them. Many practice gentle forms of yoga that put emphasis on the breath and calm the nervous system. Many do daily journaling and keep track of their dreams. Dreams are gifts of the unconscious that are given to us every night. Become familiar with this part of yourself---It is found gold.
The daughter of a narcissistic mother is very special-----She is a survivor, a beautiful human being who has survived the psychological gulags of childhood to emerge as a vibrant, loving, creative individual.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Narcissitic Parents--The Baby Who Could Not Stop Crying

A few weeks ago I was having dinner in a nearby restaurant. The environment was comfortable, well appointed and service oriented. I had been looking forward to this evening because I knew about their high quality food and Italian ambiance.  There was a large table of people a short distance away. It appeared to be an extended family situation. I heard a cry coming from a baby (less than two years of age)  sitting next to a man whom I believe was his father. The cry grew louder and I quickly noticed that not one member of this group was paying any attention to this child. It was as if they were unable to hear his rising hysteria. There was no move or gesture toward this little fellow. He threw back his face and neck and screamed loudly for some time before his father turned without any emotion on his face and began to quickly scoop food into this child's mouth. During this time none of the members of this group made a move or looked the baby's way.
The crying grew louder and louder. The man whom I believe was the father turned away from the child and ignored him for at least five minutes. I was alarmed and wondered what the hell was going on. I thought about telling one of the waiters about what was in plain sight. I wanted to rush over a number of times and pick up the baby and soothe him and never give him back. The other restaurant guests appeared to be ignoring this horrible painful emotional meltdown. The cry became primal, like an animal that is pleading for its life and losing the battle. Finally after at least fifteen minutes the father or father surrogate picked up the baby. This procedure was done stiffly, without any emotional attachment or concern. It appeared that the dad realized that a scene was occurring and wanted to avoid a further public display. The baby stopped crying briefly. Soon dad put baby down and the screaming resumed--head and neck back with full throttled crying--endless waves of severe distress. The dinner guests at the table finished their meal and left with the crying baby. I do not know what happened to the baby after the party left the restaurant. I would not be surprised if they let him scream indefinitely until he got on their nerves so much that they put him in a room far away and let him cry himself to stupor and finally sleep. This scene is indelible in my mind. It was so real yet completely ignored as if it had never happened.

I am thinking about the cries of children of a narcissistic mother or father or both that are responded to with a slap,  a sneer, a snarl, a threat or a removal to a room where the child cannot be heard and therefore will not disturb the needs of the narcissistic parent(s). No thought is given by narcissistic parents to the emotional and psychological needs of their children. Children of these parents exist only as narcissistic supplies for them. They are not loved or valued for themselves. If they are chosen by the narcissistic parent it is because they are attractive, bright, talented, etc. and can be molded as their perfect mirrors. Some children of narcissistic parents are completely ignored and abandoned. They must fend for themselves to survive. 

"A narcissistic parent is incapable of empathy, the ability to understand or care about how someone else is feeling. The focus of the narcissist is selfish and insular. A life dedicated exclusively to self cannot encompass
a genuine love of one's children."(From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

 I hear from children of narcissistic parents through my blog and book. Their psychological pain and the abuse and deprivations they have endured are immense and often overwhelming. So many of them are healing from this painful legacy. They have great courage and are committed to a healing themselves and do this hard work each day. They are finding their true selves through many healing modalities. Excellent psychotherapy helps them to work through the pain of the past, release it and redefine themselves. The practice of some form of quieting the mind or meditation puts the individual into the calming part of the nervous system where all healing takes place. Others discover their unique creative talents in a form that works for them. They have courageously pushed the reset button on their lives.

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