A few weeks ago I was having dinner in a nearby restaurant. The environment was comfortable, well appointed and service oriented. I had been looking forward to this evening because I knew about their high quality food and Italian ambiance. There was a large table of people a short distance away. It appeared to be an extended family situation. I heard a cry coming from a baby (less than two years of age) sitting next to a man whom I believe was his father. The cry grew louder and I quickly noticed that not one member of this group was paying any attention to this child. It was as if they were unable to hear his rising hysteria. There was no move or gesture toward this little fellow. He threw back his face and neck and screamed loudly for some time before his father turned without any emotion on his face and began to quickly scoop food into this child's mouth. During this time none of the members of this group made a move or looked the baby's way.
The crying grew louder and louder. The man whom I believe was the father turned away from the child and ignored him for at least five minutes. I was alarmed and wondered what the hell was going on. I thought about telling one of the waiters about what was in plain sight. I wanted to rush over a number of times and pick up the baby and soothe him and never give him back. The other restaurant guests appeared to be ignoring this horrible painful emotional meltdown. The cry became primal, like an animal that is pleading for its life and losing the battle. Finally after at least fifteen minutes the father or father surrogate picked up the baby. This procedure was done stiffly, without any emotional attachment or concern. It appeared that the dad realized that a scene was occurring and wanted to avoid a further public display. The baby stopped crying briefly. Soon dad put baby down and the screaming resumed--head and neck back with full throttled crying--endless waves of severe distress. The dinner guests at the table finished their meal and left with the crying baby. I do not know what happened to the baby after the party left the restaurant. I would not be surprised if they let him scream indefinitely until he got on their nerves so much that they put him in a room far away and let him cry himself to stupor and finally sleep. This scene is indelible in my mind. It was so real yet completely ignored as if it had never happened.
I am thinking about the cries of children of a narcissistic mother or father or both that are responded to with a slap, a sneer, a snarl, a threat or a removal to a room where the child cannot be heard and therefore will not disturb the needs of the narcissistic parent(s). No thought is given by narcissistic parents to the emotional and psychological needs of their children. Children of these parents exist only as narcissistic supplies for them. They are not loved or valued for themselves. If they are chosen by the narcissistic parent it is because they are attractive, bright, talented, etc. and can be molded as their perfect mirrors. Some children of narcissistic parents are completely ignored and abandoned. They must fend for themselves to survive.
"A narcissistic parent is incapable of empathy, the ability to understand or care about how someone else is feeling. The focus of the narcissist is selfish and insular. A life dedicated exclusively to self cannot encompass
a genuine love of one's children."(From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)
I hear from children of narcissistic parents through my blog and book. Their psychological pain and the abuse and deprivations they have endured are immense and often overwhelming. So many of them are healing from this painful legacy. They have great courage and are committed to a healing themselves and do this hard work each day. They are finding their true selves through many healing modalities. Excellent psychotherapy helps them to work through the pain of the past, release it and redefine themselves. The practice of some form of quieting the mind or meditation puts the individual into the calming part of the nervous system where all healing takes place. Others discover their unique creative talents in a form that works for them. They have courageously pushed the reset button on their lives.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Covert Narcissistic Sister Play and Deceive with "Poor Little Me"
Covert narcissistic sisters play the "poor
little me" role in their families to psychologically unhinge and wreak
havoc on their non-narcissistic brothers and sisters. They start very early
telling lies to the parents about their siblings while playing the innocent
role to the hilt.
As they grow older their sabotage escalates, causing
great pain emotional and psychological pain. They plot and take boyfriends away
from their sisters by telling lies or revealing secrets or conjuring up dirty
secrets. They are believable; their lying skills are impeccable.
Parents often make excuses for them especially if
this the Golden Child:"Oh, she is shy and dependent; she is not capable of
lying; give her a chance; she's unsure of herself; you have to be kind to
her."
As she grows older and her psychopathology deepens the
CNS becomes even bolder. As the parents age, the CNS becomes "indispensable" to them. In
secret she plots and gains power and access to all of their financial assets---properties,
investments, etc.
When the parents are gone, everything is left to her—a pittance or less to the other siblings. Who's saying "Poor Little Her" now!
When the parents are gone, everything is left to her—a pittance or less to the other siblings. Who's saying "Poor Little Her" now!
Covert narcissists are difficult to detect. Learn to
recognize them. They are too "good" to be true. Always trust your Intuition,
your Gut, that Sense of Knowing you have that is a great gift.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Sunday, April 20, 2014
You Cannot Communicate With A Narcissist
The narcissistic personality lives in a delusional world of his
creation. Although he/she gives fine speeches and is highly articulate
in his profession, he is incapable of the give and take of true
communication. I am talking of a meeting of minds. The narcissist is of
one mind---his. That is all that exists at the center of his universe.
You share his reflected light only if you can provide him with major
narcissistic supplies--becoming an adoring spouse who acts as his
servant, provide him with sources of power and paths to wealth,
introduce him to influential movers and shakers. If you are in his life
and cannot fit his bill, especially if you are a spouse or child, you
will be treated with disrespect, dismissiveness, constant ridicule,
searing criticism, verbal assaults, mental gaslighting and psychological
sabotage.
The current narcissistic society gives these individuals a large pass, especially if they are successful academically and professionally and are highly confident. Recently I had an encounter with a narcissistic fellow. I had spoken to him previously and suspected that he was a narcissist. Every word that he uttered was about him. He bragged incessantly about his entry into a medical residency. I made an effort to engage him in a conversation but it was impossible. At one point I mentioned a renowned surgeon who was in his field of study and he didn't make a verbal or nonverbal reply. It appeared that he was unable to hear anything that I was saying except the sound of his own voice. He flashed a pasted smile with pearly teeth every time he spoke about his grandiose ambitions. He was obsessed with his perfect false self. I talked about a person whom I knew that had a medical problem in his prospective specialty. He was uncommunicative and disinterested. I watched him puff himself up like a peacock as he spoke about his future. When he did mention others there was a sharp disdain in his voice and nonverbal demeaning gestures signaling his superiority.
I left the Prince's throne room and went outside into the night and gazed at the twinkling stars ---so beautiful, magnificent and real.
Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.You will learn how to recognize them much sooner. Trust your intuition as well. It always speaks the truth. Work on your own self entitlement, clear boundaries and demand self respect. You are a person of many gifts and have unique value. You are empathic and each person you meet is fortunate that you have passed their way. Stay on the road less traveled, the one that leads to higher consciousness and inner peace.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
The current narcissistic society gives these individuals a large pass, especially if they are successful academically and professionally and are highly confident. Recently I had an encounter with a narcissistic fellow. I had spoken to him previously and suspected that he was a narcissist. Every word that he uttered was about him. He bragged incessantly about his entry into a medical residency. I made an effort to engage him in a conversation but it was impossible. At one point I mentioned a renowned surgeon who was in his field of study and he didn't make a verbal or nonverbal reply. It appeared that he was unable to hear anything that I was saying except the sound of his own voice. He flashed a pasted smile with pearly teeth every time he spoke about his grandiose ambitions. He was obsessed with his perfect false self. I talked about a person whom I knew that had a medical problem in his prospective specialty. He was uncommunicative and disinterested. I watched him puff himself up like a peacock as he spoke about his future. When he did mention others there was a sharp disdain in his voice and nonverbal demeaning gestures signaling his superiority.
I left the Prince's throne room and went outside into the night and gazed at the twinkling stars ---so beautiful, magnificent and real.
Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.You will learn how to recognize them much sooner. Trust your intuition as well. It always speaks the truth. Work on your own self entitlement, clear boundaries and demand self respect. You are a person of many gifts and have unique value. You are empathic and each person you meet is fortunate that you have passed their way. Stay on the road less traveled, the one that leads to higher consciousness and inner peace.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Friday, April 18, 2014
Staying with Your Narcissistic Spouse--Running on Empty
Those who are married to or living with a narcissistic personality
are psychologically compromised if not imperiled. Your life no longer
belongs to you. Your private thoughts are constantly interrupted by the
delusional noise, the tantrums, accusations and ill will of the
narcissistic partner. If he/she is in a bad mood you will get the brunt
of his cruel projections. (This post refers to make and female narcissists). He is in constant denial about reality. He
insists you view everything from his distorted perspective--how you lead
your life, where you live, how much psychological freedom you have,
even the activities of your days and nights can be dictated by a
narcissistic spouse. It is remarkable that they appear to get away with
being among the cruelest, insensitive human beings on the face of the
earth. Once. they walk outside wearing their highly convincing mask they
are greeted like heroes--a person who can do no wrong, who is lauded by
his professional colleagues, respected by the community, lionized by
his adoring inner circle.
What happens in private is totally different--and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist changes his tune. He is screaming, barking out demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there and frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats, stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in the narcissist's delusion and doesn't understand that she is entitled to break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of a different life.
There are instances when the non-narcissistic spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks herself:"Do I want to continue living this way?" "My spouse is not going to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more dismissive--"
At some point the injured spouse decides that she will sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of these spouse report the relief they feel---they can breathe and think and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in their lives.
What happens in private is totally different--and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist changes his tune. He is screaming, barking out demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there and frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats, stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in the narcissist's delusion and doesn't understand that she is entitled to break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of a different life.
There are instances when the non-narcissistic spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks herself:"Do I want to continue living this way?" "My spouse is not going to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more dismissive--"
At some point the injured spouse decides that she will sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of these spouse report the relief they feel---they can breathe and think and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in their lives.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Divorcing A Narcissist--You Are The Enemy
Those in the midst of a divorce from a narcissist, know that all out warfare is taking place. You started with the idea of a fair settlement with all of your research and details. This was quickly rebuffed as a non-starter.
You didn't know that your spouse has morphed you into The Enemy. He or she has never been a true partner. The narcissist is incapable of having an authentic relationship with anyone, their spouses and children in particular. You tried with all of your inner resources and ounce of strength and conviction to help this partner to change. You hoped, you cried, you prayed, you researched, you didn't sleep----and so much more you did to keep the marriage alive and moving forward. But you didn't know that being with a narcissist always moves backwards for the partner. It is regressive and psychologically harmful to you.
Recognizing that you are in enemy territory is difficult if you have been married and have loved this person for a number of years--over half of your life--even longer. It is a shock and that is understandable.
You are blamed for everything. He/she is lying about you, making you appear to be crazy, immoral, a substance abuser, tramp. You name it and you are accused. Lies are spread to your friends, acquaintances, even reaching at times your work environment.
One of the first offensive moves is the lightening transformation of the spouse from being affluent, well healed, even very wealthy or uber wealthy to, in an instant, being impoverished. The "records" show that there is no money, no assets, no credit----nothing! It is that quick. These moves have been planned and plotted for some time without your knowledge. Narcissists don't have insight but they are exceedingly cunning and strategic, especially when it comes to material assets. They are greedy--I mean the Seven Deadly Sins--Greed.
I think of the Middle Ages and the Castles built during that time of great violence. This reminds me of the narcissistic spouse and what he/she does to protect his castle. The Moat is filled with high waters or sharp wooden barriers or both to keep enemies from approach. The Drawbridge is drawn up and tightly secured; the iron gate is locked and bolted.
In the Keep at the top of the Castle the narcissist feels superior and invincible. No one can touch him. (Noblemen during the Middle Ages held large collections of precious stones-sapphires, emeralds, rubies, diamonds and gold). Today, the greedy narcissist has other instruments of tremendous value that can be whisked away with key strokes.
If your narcissistic spouse does not have monetary means, he or she has made you into The Enemy as well.
First, know that this is not true about you. It is a profound unconscious toxic projection on the part of the narcissist. You are not to blame, You are very sane. You are a fine human being. You have special talents, creativity and a unique core that belongs to you alone. Feel this deep inside and remind yourself of who you are.
Research and learn about the NPD in-depth so you know him better than he knows himself.
Get an excellent attorney (who will not gouge you and is not a narcissist) who is your true advocate and fearless about confronting the odious barrage.
Practice self care: Sleep, eating well, time to be quiet--guided meditation, gentle yoga, therapy if you think that will help you at this time (Research the therapist thoroughly).
I am in your corner all the way, now and for the rest of the journey.
I know about those who have won these battles and prevailed.
I celebrate your courage, strength, integrity, authenticity!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
You didn't know that your spouse has morphed you into The Enemy. He or she has never been a true partner. The narcissist is incapable of having an authentic relationship with anyone, their spouses and children in particular. You tried with all of your inner resources and ounce of strength and conviction to help this partner to change. You hoped, you cried, you prayed, you researched, you didn't sleep----and so much more you did to keep the marriage alive and moving forward. But you didn't know that being with a narcissist always moves backwards for the partner. It is regressive and psychologically harmful to you.
Recognizing that you are in enemy territory is difficult if you have been married and have loved this person for a number of years--over half of your life--even longer. It is a shock and that is understandable.
You are blamed for everything. He/she is lying about you, making you appear to be crazy, immoral, a substance abuser, tramp. You name it and you are accused. Lies are spread to your friends, acquaintances, even reaching at times your work environment.
One of the first offensive moves is the lightening transformation of the spouse from being affluent, well healed, even very wealthy or uber wealthy to, in an instant, being impoverished. The "records" show that there is no money, no assets, no credit----nothing! It is that quick. These moves have been planned and plotted for some time without your knowledge. Narcissists don't have insight but they are exceedingly cunning and strategic, especially when it comes to material assets. They are greedy--I mean the Seven Deadly Sins--Greed.
I think of the Middle Ages and the Castles built during that time of great violence. This reminds me of the narcissistic spouse and what he/she does to protect his castle. The Moat is filled with high waters or sharp wooden barriers or both to keep enemies from approach. The Drawbridge is drawn up and tightly secured; the iron gate is locked and bolted.
In the Keep at the top of the Castle the narcissist feels superior and invincible. No one can touch him. (Noblemen during the Middle Ages held large collections of precious stones-sapphires, emeralds, rubies, diamonds and gold). Today, the greedy narcissist has other instruments of tremendous value that can be whisked away with key strokes.
If your narcissistic spouse does not have monetary means, he or she has made you into The Enemy as well.
First, know that this is not true about you. It is a profound unconscious toxic projection on the part of the narcissist. You are not to blame, You are very sane. You are a fine human being. You have special talents, creativity and a unique core that belongs to you alone. Feel this deep inside and remind yourself of who you are.
Research and learn about the NPD in-depth so you know him better than he knows himself.
Get an excellent attorney (who will not gouge you and is not a narcissist) who is your true advocate and fearless about confronting the odious barrage.
Practice self care: Sleep, eating well, time to be quiet--guided meditation, gentle yoga, therapy if you think that will help you at this time (Research the therapist thoroughly).
I am in your corner all the way, now and for the rest of the journey.
I know about those who have won these battles and prevailed.
I celebrate your courage, strength, integrity, authenticity!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Unmasking the Narcissistic Personality
Narcissists, especially those who are very successful in the social and business worlds, wear many masks that are highly appealing to most people. Often they are bright and attractive and have tremendous charisma and fine social skills. They learn how to "act the part of the Charmer" when they are very young. Often they are chosen by the mother or father as the exalted one in the family. The other siblings are secondary to this special child.
Early on the narcissistic child grows in the fertile atmosphere of extreme self entitlement. There are no rules for him or her. He is given the run of the house. In some cases the mother and father usurp their authority to this little tyrant to whom they bow. I have seen this happen in some family constellations. In other cases the mother molds the budding narcissist as her possession as if she has given birth to a godlike living being. The mother is psychologically fused with this "perfect" child. She gives all of her attention to this one and not the others. They are unimportant to her and must fend for themselves.
During childhood the little narcissist learns to put on a number of masks that eventually become the false grandiose self. The child knows that h can do anything he wants and will not be corrected or contained. When he doesn't get what he must have, he throws royal tantrums and then is rewarded for this obnoxious behavior. Some mothers reinforce their golden child's cruelties to siblings. This is exceedingly hurtful and damaging to siblings who have not been picked for special positive attention and adulation.
Throughout the years the narcissist develops a false self that is put in place of the real self. The real self resides in the unconscious of the narcissist and is revealed through primitive cruel projections that are pushed on to those who get in his way or try to deflate his enormous ego. These unconscious projections are exhibited and ejected on to others through the narcissist's life. If you find yourself being the target of this venom it is essential that you find ways to deflect and avoid this toxicity. Often the only way to do this is through going no contact with the offending person. This is difficult if it is a family member but often necessary. These outrageous behaviors on the part of the narcissist are very painful and psychologically corrosive to those on the receiving end of this cruel treatment.
Study the narcissistic personality so that you understand how they operate and why.
Take time to appreciate your unique individuality, especially if you grew up with a narcissistic mother, father, or sibling or if you are married to a narcissistic spouse. Begin your self healing now and carry this through each day. Put yourself first. This is not selfish but an essential part of the healing process that will lead you to inner peace and deep grounding in your own authenticity and appreciation of yourself.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Early on the narcissistic child grows in the fertile atmosphere of extreme self entitlement. There are no rules for him or her. He is given the run of the house. In some cases the mother and father usurp their authority to this little tyrant to whom they bow. I have seen this happen in some family constellations. In other cases the mother molds the budding narcissist as her possession as if she has given birth to a godlike living being. The mother is psychologically fused with this "perfect" child. She gives all of her attention to this one and not the others. They are unimportant to her and must fend for themselves.
During childhood the little narcissist learns to put on a number of masks that eventually become the false grandiose self. The child knows that h can do anything he wants and will not be corrected or contained. When he doesn't get what he must have, he throws royal tantrums and then is rewarded for this obnoxious behavior. Some mothers reinforce their golden child's cruelties to siblings. This is exceedingly hurtful and damaging to siblings who have not been picked for special positive attention and adulation.
Throughout the years the narcissist develops a false self that is put in place of the real self. The real self resides in the unconscious of the narcissist and is revealed through primitive cruel projections that are pushed on to those who get in his way or try to deflate his enormous ego. These unconscious projections are exhibited and ejected on to others through the narcissist's life. If you find yourself being the target of this venom it is essential that you find ways to deflect and avoid this toxicity. Often the only way to do this is through going no contact with the offending person. This is difficult if it is a family member but often necessary. These outrageous behaviors on the part of the narcissist are very painful and psychologically corrosive to those on the receiving end of this cruel treatment.
Study the narcissistic personality so that you understand how they operate and why.
Take time to appreciate your unique individuality, especially if you grew up with a narcissistic mother, father, or sibling or if you are married to a narcissistic spouse. Begin your self healing now and carry this through each day. Put yourself first. This is not selfish but an essential part of the healing process that will lead you to inner peace and deep grounding in your own authenticity and appreciation of yourself.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Friday, April 11, 2014
Narcissists Always Want Something From You---Everything
I am reminded again and again, constantly, from the victims of narcissistic mothers, fathers, spouses, ex-spouses, siblings that narcissists don't ever have genuine relationships. Their false relating is based on What They Want From You--money, use of your creative gifts, your adulation, your life service to them, your role as the ongoing, endless recipient of their abuse. They intend to take your life psychologically and They Do.
You are the one who is not sleeping, who is anxious all of the time, exhausted, even physically ill. So often I see that the narcissist does not become sick but his spouse, child, sibling does. Yes, the person who loves this psychological vulture for decades is the one who has chronic illnesses or surgeries or stress reactions.
The narcissist goes about his/her life without any illness whatsoever. He is projecting his venom constantly and it is being absorbed by his victims. I know of a number of narcissists (who probably have great health genes) who have rarely been ill. Everyone around them is suffering emotionally, psychologically and physically but they continue to go about their business of aggressively, treacherously, even criminally making their way in the world splendidly while those around them are dropping like flies.
Narcissists are rewarded in our world today for the very qualities that destroy those closest to them. This is a time of an epidemic of pathological narcissism, the rise of the ego to the highest crest of the wave, the idolization and endless pursuit of power and material possessions, the complete lack of empathy and a horrendous disdain for those who have not succeeded, who have become weak as a result of the burdens, tragedies and tenuous fate of their lives. Narcissists eye you and make judgments. You are a winner or a loser. There is no humanity in their distinctions, no mercy, no compassion. They take and take and never stop until they destroy you unless you identify them, sever your relationship with them and begin the work of self healing for the rest of your life.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
You are the one who is not sleeping, who is anxious all of the time, exhausted, even physically ill. So often I see that the narcissist does not become sick but his spouse, child, sibling does. Yes, the person who loves this psychological vulture for decades is the one who has chronic illnesses or surgeries or stress reactions.
The narcissist goes about his/her life without any illness whatsoever. He is projecting his venom constantly and it is being absorbed by his victims. I know of a number of narcissists (who probably have great health genes) who have rarely been ill. Everyone around them is suffering emotionally, psychologically and physically but they continue to go about their business of aggressively, treacherously, even criminally making their way in the world splendidly while those around them are dropping like flies.
Narcissists are rewarded in our world today for the very qualities that destroy those closest to them. This is a time of an epidemic of pathological narcissism, the rise of the ego to the highest crest of the wave, the idolization and endless pursuit of power and material possessions, the complete lack of empathy and a horrendous disdain for those who have not succeeded, who have become weak as a result of the burdens, tragedies and tenuous fate of their lives. Narcissists eye you and make judgments. You are a winner or a loser. There is no humanity in their distinctions, no mercy, no compassion. They take and take and never stop until they destroy you unless you identify them, sever your relationship with them and begin the work of self healing for the rest of your life.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Narcissistic Spouses Play the "I Have Changed" Card
One of the repetitive themes that runs through the cycle of abuse with the narcissistic spouse is: "I have changed. I want you back. I am a different person now." This works very well for many narcissists. They
are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them. (This post refers to both male and female narcissistic spouses.) She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believethat this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a
financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset you have. Another reason is that he doesn't want to go through a
divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs.
He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the surface he is still leading a secret life.
Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don't let the narcissistic spouse back into your life. You don't deserve this abuse and exploitation.Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative
gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be restored.
are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them. (This post refers to both male and female narcissistic spouses.) She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believethat this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a
financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset you have. Another reason is that he doesn't want to go through a
divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs.
He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the surface he is still leading a secret life.
Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don't let the narcissistic spouse back into your life. You don't deserve this abuse and exploitation.Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative
gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be restored.
Monday, April 7, 2014
You Survived A Narcissistic Mother---Be Kind To Yourself
I hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers who went
through hell and back as children of narcissistic mothers. They
psychologically discarded their kids except when it came to harsh
torturous punishments. As adults they remember their mother's screams
thundering through the house:"I never wanted you." "You are a piece of
trash." "I wish I had aborted you." "You are to blame for every bad
thing that ever happened to me." "You make my life miserable every day."
When children are very little, some narcissistic mothers tell their
children that because they are so bad, they are going to send them away.
There is never an explanation to the child of what that means but it
strikes terror in the heart of the child that lingers as a morbid
threat.
The father in these family constellations is often very weak and terrified himself of his spouse. He becomes a workaholic and in some cases an alcoholic. He is completely unavailable to his children emotionally. Some fathers disappear and leave the home early in their childrens' lives. They are irresponsible and infantile and flee the scene without ceremony.
Moment to moment these children are living in what can be described as a prison. Their nervous systems are constantly jarred by the NM's demands and intimidations. Some children learn to tune out mother and they become numb to their own feelings. Others are in a constant state of fear, always waiting for the next catastrophe to arrive. Some children leave the home early and find relatives or friends who will take them in. And others stay in NM's gulag for the sentence of their childhood and teenage years. Some kids act out through alcohol and drugs and sexual escapades to numb the pain and take them temporarily out of their living nightmare. This is self destructive but not surprising.
As older teenagers and young adults some abuse victims leave the home from hell and make efforts to forge their own lives. Some of these children pick themselves up and move forward with their education and careers. On the surface some are successful but inside they carry the painful imprint of their time in the house of desolation with the narcissistic mother. Others have a difficult time functioning in the outside world. Some adult children repeat the childhood pattern by marrying narcissistic spouses who psychologically incarcerate them.
Blame and shame are often the legacies of having a narcissistic mother as well as residual feelings of anxiety and depression. First---don't blame yourself. You didn't ask to be born to a narcissistic mother. It happened and it is horrible but don't take this upon yourself. Focus your attention on a deep appreciation of who you really are and that you did everything to survive and achieved something great and very difficult. Learn to be kind to yourself. This begins with self care. Acknowledge the wonderful unique person you are. Take time with the basics---good sleep, healthy eating, exercise in a form that works for you. Give yourself time each day to be quiet and uninterrupted where you can meditate, do basic yoga poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the nervous system. Writing what you are feeling and thinking privately offers many a source of freedom. Listening to music and allowing its beauty to become internalized inside is a source of healing. Some adult children find that excellent psychotherapy can help them work through many of the residual issues. If you decide psychotherapy is a possibility, I recommend that you interview several of them. I have found that there are fine therapists but there are others who are narcissistic and out for the money motive and making you dependent on them for that purpose.
Use your creative gifts--You have them. Be receptive to knowing what they are. Above all, use your intuition all of the time. It tells us the truth and is a companion throughout every moment of our lives.
I hold a special place in my heart for children of narcissistic mothers. I stand with you always.
The following comment is one I just received from a wonderful man, a great survivor of a narcissistic mother. I have his permission to share his life story with you:
The father in these family constellations is often very weak and terrified himself of his spouse. He becomes a workaholic and in some cases an alcoholic. He is completely unavailable to his children emotionally. Some fathers disappear and leave the home early in their childrens' lives. They are irresponsible and infantile and flee the scene without ceremony.
Moment to moment these children are living in what can be described as a prison. Their nervous systems are constantly jarred by the NM's demands and intimidations. Some children learn to tune out mother and they become numb to their own feelings. Others are in a constant state of fear, always waiting for the next catastrophe to arrive. Some children leave the home early and find relatives or friends who will take them in. And others stay in NM's gulag for the sentence of their childhood and teenage years. Some kids act out through alcohol and drugs and sexual escapades to numb the pain and take them temporarily out of their living nightmare. This is self destructive but not surprising.
As older teenagers and young adults some abuse victims leave the home from hell and make efforts to forge their own lives. Some of these children pick themselves up and move forward with their education and careers. On the surface some are successful but inside they carry the painful imprint of their time in the house of desolation with the narcissistic mother. Others have a difficult time functioning in the outside world. Some adult children repeat the childhood pattern by marrying narcissistic spouses who psychologically incarcerate them.
Blame and shame are often the legacies of having a narcissistic mother as well as residual feelings of anxiety and depression. First---don't blame yourself. You didn't ask to be born to a narcissistic mother. It happened and it is horrible but don't take this upon yourself. Focus your attention on a deep appreciation of who you really are and that you did everything to survive and achieved something great and very difficult. Learn to be kind to yourself. This begins with self care. Acknowledge the wonderful unique person you are. Take time with the basics---good sleep, healthy eating, exercise in a form that works for you. Give yourself time each day to be quiet and uninterrupted where you can meditate, do basic yoga poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the nervous system. Writing what you are feeling and thinking privately offers many a source of freedom. Listening to music and allowing its beauty to become internalized inside is a source of healing. Some adult children find that excellent psychotherapy can help them work through many of the residual issues. If you decide psychotherapy is a possibility, I recommend that you interview several of them. I have found that there are fine therapists but there are others who are narcissistic and out for the money motive and making you dependent on them for that purpose.
Use your creative gifts--You have them. Be receptive to knowing what they are. Above all, use your intuition all of the time. It tells us the truth and is a companion throughout every moment of our lives.
I hold a special place in my heart for children of narcissistic mothers. I stand with you always.
The following comment is one I just received from a wonderful man, a great survivor of a narcissistic mother. I have his permission to share his life story with you:
My mother is a Covert narcissist. She wears the mask of the
do gooder, the angel of mercy, the saint...the community praises and raises her
to Sainthood, yet I know the truth. I was the golden child, but never a
narcissist. The golden child is chosen as the one who is lavished upon, shown
off to friends and family as the smartest, brightest, most attractive. She
groomed me to be the best at everything I did yet never for my sake. It was all
done for her, so she can say "look at my son, look what he can do, look at
how much he knows!" Everything I did, whether it was winning at the swim
meets, or running faster than anyone, and specifically in my case, being the
most intelligent, was for her. I was quizzed everywhere we went since i was 2.
And I reveled in it. This all began to change when I reached puberty. I began
the natural rebelling state of pubescent boy. But she wouldn't have it. She
knew she was losing control so she tightened her grip. She became hateful,
yelling and screaming. Emasculating me at every chance she could. My father was
always working and when around, had no control because he was a victim of this
Narcissist, as well. She had won, my puberty was the worst time of my life. I
had learned to fear woman, mistrust them. I was looking for affection
everywhere I could and a boy my age who had been molested himself, molested me.
As deeply shameful as it was, it was still attention and in my twisted mind,
affection. I spent 35 yrs. never knowing a woman, always befriending them, but
terrified of letting them in. I didn't think I was gay, but I was a tall,
attractive person who spoke well on many subjects and I found friendship and
attention in the gay community. I never had a sex with these men, but always
went back to the first one who molested me. Throughout my life I used drugs and
alcohol to medicate myself and to make it easier to be with this person and not
feel the pain and confusion my mother caused. The thing is, I never consciously
knew any of this. I had pushed it so far down I didn't know what was wrong with
me. And everytime I'd have contact with my mother, she knew exactly what to say
to pull me back in and push me further down. I hated her, but wasn't allowed to
hate her. She is a master manipulator and confuser to such a degree that I
didn't know up from down, left from right. And she reveled in it. I knew
something was wrong, but was never allowed to question her, or anything she
did. I was hers. At the age of 40 I quit all drugs and alcohol cold turkey. I
went through severe withdrawals. At one point I thought I had cancer. I told my
mother this and she didn't say a word. A month later, after my mind was
clearing up I told her I didn't have cancer. She screamed at me "I was
going to take care of you while you died, how dare you take that away from
me!" Pretty sick. But during my withdrawal, I was also withdrawing from my
mother. I began to gain a strength I didn't know I had. I started fighting
back, and with every step forward I took, the less power over me she had. This
was and still is a very long process. Today I don't talk to my mother. There's
no use. She'll twist whatever I say into something else, she'll try to
manipulate. What I've finally learned is that nothing I do, or say is going to
help her make changes. So I finally said no more! And with that, my life is
changing everyday for the better. I would never have known any of this if it
weren't for finding Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi's Site. I would have gone to an
early grave, which would have been satisfying to my mother because she then
would have won. As sick as that sounds, it's how these people are. My deepest
and most sincerest thank you, Dr. Martini-Lewis, you literally have changed my
life!
Doug
Doug
Friday, April 4, 2014
From Budding Narcissist to Adult Narcissistic Scourge
Many of you have had the experience of watching a narcissist grow from early childhood into adulthood. You heard the ear shatteringtantrums, saw the parents make no attempt to get their "golden child" to
behave. Their efforts were feeble because from the beginning he/she was never corrected for inconsiderate and boorish behavior. This child was considered special from the beginning--a little king or queen who was
raised to the highest pinnacles. I have been astounded and chagrined by the outrageous behaviors of these chosen children. (This post refers to both male and female budding narcissists).
I have bitten my tongue in social situations to not say: "Make that brat behave. He is not the only one on the face of the earth." "You are growing a monster who will come to hate you, exploit you and make the lives of
others intolerable." But in social situations I have kept quiet in the past. Now I refuse these invitations. I would be watching a parent creating a mini monster who will grow into an abominable human being.
Adults especially parents make excuses for their unempathic, selfish, materialistic, cruel, sadistic children. And others in the family go along with the charade. After all this child is so bright and attractive, what could be wrong with him. He is excelling in school as he charms everyone. What else can a parent want? You as a member of this family are expected to believe this delusion and to adore the child as much as his parents. Beneath the surface, the budding narcissist, day by day is becoming more self obsessed, grabby about what he must have, more grandiose that he is superior to everyone else and cannot make mistakes. He lies impeccably to trick others and make fools of them. He intimidates his brothers and sisters who live in sheer terror of his footsteps. Mother and father are oblivious and reluctant to correct or criticize the little prince. He has become a reflection of their perfection. They cannot be objective. The family image rides on the
their son's perfect narcissistic facade. In the current societal climate today,narcissists are ruling. They get away with their treacheries because they exude confidence and are often very clever and forceful
personalities that no one will buck them. If a member of your family is a narcissist and you have known him/her since childhood----he is not going to change. Now as an adult he is a larger, more ingrained, more vicious facsimile of his younger self. In fact many narcissists become meaner with age, more duplicitous and malicious. Do you need this person in your life? Is it worth all the hurt feelings, cruelties to be a part of this pathological drama. Ask yourself these questions and trust your inner response. You don't deserve this savage treatment. Learn about the inner workings of the narcissistic personality. Protect yourself and insist on respect even if that means no contact. You deserve to move forward with your life.
behave. Their efforts were feeble because from the beginning he/she was never corrected for inconsiderate and boorish behavior. This child was considered special from the beginning--a little king or queen who was
raised to the highest pinnacles. I have been astounded and chagrined by the outrageous behaviors of these chosen children. (This post refers to both male and female budding narcissists).
I have bitten my tongue in social situations to not say: "Make that brat behave. He is not the only one on the face of the earth." "You are growing a monster who will come to hate you, exploit you and make the lives of
others intolerable." But in social situations I have kept quiet in the past. Now I refuse these invitations. I would be watching a parent creating a mini monster who will grow into an abominable human being.
Adults especially parents make excuses for their unempathic, selfish, materialistic, cruel, sadistic children. And others in the family go along with the charade. After all this child is so bright and attractive, what could be wrong with him. He is excelling in school as he charms everyone. What else can a parent want? You as a member of this family are expected to believe this delusion and to adore the child as much as his parents. Beneath the surface, the budding narcissist, day by day is becoming more self obsessed, grabby about what he must have, more grandiose that he is superior to everyone else and cannot make mistakes. He lies impeccably to trick others and make fools of them. He intimidates his brothers and sisters who live in sheer terror of his footsteps. Mother and father are oblivious and reluctant to correct or criticize the little prince. He has become a reflection of their perfection. They cannot be objective. The family image rides on the
their son's perfect narcissistic facade. In the current societal climate today,narcissists are ruling. They get away with their treacheries because they exude confidence and are often very clever and forceful
personalities that no one will buck them. If a member of your family is a narcissist and you have known him/her since childhood----he is not going to change. Now as an adult he is a larger, more ingrained, more vicious facsimile of his younger self. In fact many narcissists become meaner with age, more duplicitous and malicious. Do you need this person in your life? Is it worth all the hurt feelings, cruelties to be a part of this pathological drama. Ask yourself these questions and trust your inner response. You don't deserve this savage treatment. Learn about the inner workings of the narcissistic personality. Protect yourself and insist on respect even if that means no contact. You deserve to move forward with your life.
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