Narcissists--Their Bottomless Well of Emptiness

"In narcissistic personalities the experience of emptiness is most intense and almost constant..." (Otto Kernberg, Md. clinical expert on the narcissistic personality).  "The narcissist's experience of emotional emptiness is beyond sadness.  It is a severe and intractable wounding, a pain...savage and deep. The psychological (inner) landscape of the narcissist is bleak." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). This is the narcissist's unconscious experience of himself. (I use the male pronoun “he” in this post to represent male and female narcissists).   As a result the narcissist is a very restless human being, always surveying his external environment for narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, self indulgence, the company of highly attractive men and women, sexual escapes, the pursuit of material possessions, seeking raw power to control others, manipulation of those whom they experience as competitors.

"The successful narcissist creates an intricate system of positive feedback in the form of friends, associates, partners, spouses---who perpetually fulfill his endless needs." (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The narcissist is incapable of having a real relationship with another person. He doesn't have a relationship with himself. Everything in his life is externalized and the most prized possession of all is the elaborate golden image that he creates and perpetuates all of his life.

Beneath the surface, in the unconscious, molten rage is bubbling. This fury is projected on to others, especially spouses, children, siblings, business associates, etc. The narcissist cannot perceive that this rage is completely inappropriate and harmful to others. He simply spits it out or vomits it forth in a projectile that is highly disturbing and hurtful to its recipients. This is the narcissist's extreme self loathing in action. The narcissist cannot own any of these unconscious feelings and therefore they are ejected out on to his victims.

When you learn about the dynamics of the narcissistic personality, you have gained knowledge and power. Now you understand what makes them tick, why they react with such venom and why they are constantly searching for narcissistic supplies to fill up the bottomless pit of their psychological emptiness. Learn to detach from the narcissist. Keep your physical distance (if possible since they are very unpleasant to say the least) and maintain your psychological boundaries. You are entitled to respect. You are a separate human being who has intrinsic value, integrity and dignity. 

Visit my Website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissistic Spouse Replaces You Quickly

Narcissists are always on the hunt for supply---gratifications of their egos for applause, adulation, worldly power, gorgeous willing, adoring, malleable partners.

If you have been married to a narcissist for decades or a very short time, remember that your "relationship" with this person is up for grabs--expendable. Narcissists are not loyal to anyone but themselves. They are ruthlessly wanton and careless about the feelings of others, even their own children. Children are often used as attractive props that enhance the narcissist's image and status. After all, if your child is very attractive and has a myriad of talents and capacities, the narcissistic mother or father will have endless bragging rights. This person is incapable of actually loving his/her child. Authentic feelings are not part of the narcissist's life vocabulary. They tell great stories about their devotion to their spouse and children but this makes for great drama and image enhancement.

Spouses who get out of line by psychologically working to become individuals and separate from the narcissist become the enemy. After all, they are no longer servile--the one who gives the king or queen his crown and scepter.

Even before the divorce it not unlikely that the narcissistic spouse has found your replacement. He or she has already drifted to new sources of psychological supply that will keep his ego fully inflated. There is no sadness or regret about all of those years together. You gave your life to this person. You are shocked and grieving the loss. The narcissist pivots quickly to his next human supply. One partner or spouse is interchangeable with the next. Forget the years, the life experiences, the children you share---None of this matters to the narcissist. He or she may play the part of being upset but that is for the performance in the divorce court to get the best settlement possible for him. It's a well rehearsed polished act. After all, the narcissist is an excellent actor who fools most people. He has been doing this all of his life.  

Protect yourself from your narcissistic spouse by researching this personality structure. Understand their strategies, the way they think--about themselves only--, their ruthlessness and horrendous lack of empathy,  chronic lying, duplicity, manipulations, empty promises.

Pay attention to your needs and wishes. Never blame yourself for becoming involved in a marriage with a narcissist. They fool most people all the time--even therapists.

Focus on your life, your talents, your well being and sense of peace. You have been carrying a great burden with this marriage. Now you will live lighter, simpler and discover that you are an incredible individual--so wonderful just as you are.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Renew Your Life--Go No Contact with Narcissistic Sister

All of your life, your older, younger or twin sister has been putting you through hell--The reason---She is a Narcissistic Personality and in some family constellations, she was chosen to represent its sterling image. You felt psychologically dispossessed, a stranger in your own house that was not a home to you. In every way your narcissistic sister undermined you. When she wasn't doing that, she was scaring you, intimidating you, demeaning you, humiliating you, threatening you. She was going to get you into trouble with mom and dad no matter what. Not by telling the truth but by her very convincing lies. Narcissists lie about everything in order to get exactly what they want. This is easy for them since they do not have a conscience. And---They Get Away With It!

Now that you are an adult, your narcissistic sister has continued her Weird Sister act and she is never going to stop. The NPD is a fixed personality disorder that does not change.

It is time to stand up for yourself by focusing on taking very good care of yourself. I mean that you decide on the best program that helps you to heal from your narcissistic sister's ongoing abuse over a long period.

Spend time in a quiet way with yourself. Listen to music that you love and has meaning to you. Get the sleep that you need and deserve. Sleep puts us into the quieting mode of the nervous system and is essential to healing on every level. Let your creativity flow. Write spontaneously every day or when you can, the thoughts and feelings that come through your mind without editing. Do exercise that you enjoy or at least can tolerate. Think of other ways that you relax--Cooking, Gardening, Sewing, Reading, etc.  Spend time with individuals whom you trust and that contribute to your healing. Go with the givers and cross out the takers.

This is the beginning of a new life cycle for you.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Living with A Narcissistic Spouse Eclipes Your Life

Like an eclipse of the sun at mid-day when the earth is darkened, your life married to a narcissist diminishes your creativity, your physical health, your peace of mind, your dreams, your sense of hope. Maybe you think that you are compromising with this spouse of yours but that is never the case with a narcissistic personality. When the marriage gets ugly and the word divorce  is floating through the atmosphere, you suggest marital counseling. This can be helpful to many couples but with narcissists the process is different. Narcissists are great actors. They can easily pretend that they are cooperating as clients. Sometimes, they win over the therapist who then finds that you are the one at fault.

Some of those married to narcissists don't feel sufficiently entitled to lead the life that they deserve. As children they didn't feel good enough or smart enough or equal to a brother or sister who was "golden." Parents were highly critical and demanding and often one of them was narcissistic. One would think that if you were raised by a narcissistic mother you would not seek out a man or woman who was a narcissist. But there is a tendency to repeat painful behavioral and psychological patterns that hurt us the most in childhood with our relationships as adults.

As the years being married to a narcissist create a profound burden on you and eclipse the core of your individual life, a reckoning has come. Learn everything you can about the true nature of the narcissistic personality. This is empowering and will enlighten your perceptions of your spouse. No longer will you be able to make excuses for this person who is making your life a living hell and thwarting your opportunities to use all of your talents and energies, to feel free to express yourself authentically.

You will learn to feel entitled to a full life, a free one that is deep, meaningful, spontaneous, filled with some special people who love you and you, them. Explore your creative gifts and discover your unique talents. Spend time in peace and solitude for the first time in your life. Sleep more deeply and dream in every color of the rainbow. Access the healing power of the parasympathetic nervous system which is like moving along the gentle waves of an endless sea of peace.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Divorcing A Narcissist--Watch for Narcissistic Greed

When you met this man or woman you were captivated--carried away by his/her charm, ambition, success, confidence and promises of love. Today you are either contemplating a divorce, divorced or going through a very ugly divorce from your narcissistic spouse. One of the issues that makes it very painful besides a fight for custody over the children is their GREED. Never think you can negotiate in good faith with a narcissist. They will run the table on you if you don't hire one hell of an attorney to fight them tooth and claw.

Narcissists are greedy and demanding. During the divorce they are completely uncooperative. They love to put obstructions in your  way, rattle your nerves and scare the hell out of you. They throw barrages of threats to ruin you financially. First, they have been stealing from you for a long time. They lie about their assets constantly during the marriage--even in the good times. Narcissists are exceedingly secretive. They must always have the edge over everyone else even if it is a spouse or child.

When the divorce is on, the narcissist goes into full battle mode. You are bombarded by his attorney's  countless questions and insinuations, designed to wear you down to nothing so you will give up. Narcissists get a thrill from watching others suffer. It makes them feel even more superior, knowing that they are controlling your emotions and they are exposing what they perceive as your weaknesses---meaning your humanity.

Prepare yourself for battle by having a deep working knowledge of the narcissistic personality. When you have the background, you have a better edge at predicting their moves and developing excellent strategies.
Don't ever give in to the "I have changed. I want this divorce to be amicable" routine. This ploy is used to throw you off balance and re-consider. Don't fall for it--ever!

Make sure that you learn to take good care of yourself during the divorce and for the rest of your life. You are a first priority. You will never capitulate to someone who is a taker, not a giver.

You will prevail--I know you can. Remember, you are an authentic, strong, talented and empathic individual.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: United  States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists'Tyrannical Control

"The narcissist is a tyrant who controls the world that he/she creates...The iron grip of the narcissist's control extends to all the significant people in his life: spouses, partners, children, ex-spouses, siblings...Those under his control are not free to lead their own lives, to make decisions and mistakes, to use their talents and energies, to have their own dreams." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

I hear from individuals who are married to narcissists--They can't win. They are too afraid to divorce their captor and in the other case, terrorized through each day, year, decade of confinement. Some spouses have identified with the aggressor and told themselves that they have it "good" with the lifestyle and all of the entitlements that come with it.

Children of narcissists are savagely trapped, especially when they are young. Where can they go? They are surrounded by the enemy--the narcissistic parent. Often the mother or father married to this person will not psychologically and emotionally support the child due to intimidation. The non narcissistic spouse  caves in and "abandons" the child out of fear and denial.

The controlling narcissist will do whatever it takes to remain in charge. He/she will lie, threaten, verbally, psychologically and emotional abuse whoever is standing in his way. Retribution is sought and paid if you defy a narcissist and even think and share your own thoughts. Narcissists squelch any joy or feeling of comfort in the home environment. It is living in a war zone or  being in captivity behind enemy lines and the military forces are not coming to save you.

The need to control on the part of narcissists speaks of their unconscious fears of losing power and influence. At their core beneath the steel defenses they feel worthless and empty.

When you recognize and identify the true nature of the narcissist, you are further along toward liberating yourself from their iron grip. Remember, you deserve to lead a separate life and experience inner peace, the full use and enjoyment of your creative gifts and energies. Take charge of your life and your entitlement to lead a good one that is unfettered by fear, intimidation, control, deceit or tyranny. Move into the zone of freedom where you belong. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: Intnernational
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Treat Their Spouses Like Possessions

Male and female narcissists are incapable of genuine feelings of love, caring, giving comfort, having empathy or being merciful.

When you are married to a narcissist you become his/her possession. Narcissists are completely disingenuous. They are deluded human beings. It doesn't matter how successful they are in the world; in their personal lives they are unable to give or receive on any level.

Narcissists believe they own their spouses. They are highly manipulative and secretive. Most spouses have no clue about the concealed lives that they lead right under your nose. Narcissists enjoy the thrill of their clandestine lives. It is an adrenaline rush for them--like the fastest down hill run.

Narcissistic spouses are known for hiding money from their husbands or wives. They want everything for themselves and are always planning what they will do when they decide to dispose of you. Of course, they will move on to a new life. For them everyone has a price and everyone is expendable.

The spouse is an object for the narcissist like a painting that can be auctioned off to the highest bidder. While you are married to the narcissist, he or she insists that you maintain a perfect image that is a reflection of his importance and outward power. After all, you are a living reflection of his/her worth.

When you discover who this individual truly is and decide to divorce him/her, be prepared in advance before you are dumped or put to the side. Do your homework and research. Do not share your plans with the narcissist. You cannot trust someone who has treated you like a non-person.

Begin to take very good care of yourself and maintain your psychological and financial independence as much as you can. Recognize that you are moving in the right direction to re-engage your own life and to rediscover your true self. This is a journey well worth taking.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Sister's Psychological Torture

I have heard a number of life stories about narcissistic golden daughters who treated their younger or older sisters sadistically. Talk about pinching skin, pulling hair, spitting in the face of a small child---all of these horrid events have been perpetrated and much more. Some sisters tell me that they were locked in closets for hours when mother was not home. Their screams were unheard and only stopped when the victim was so exhausted that she fell to the floor in a heap. There are knives put a few inches from the skin in threat to a little sister. So cunning are these wretched narcissists that they don't get caught. Rather the blame is placed on the victim and mother goes along with the lies that Golden Girl tells. Often, mother is a narcissist and the two of them double team the scapegoat and get pleasure from the pain they inflict. This is sickening but true. Read this and know that it happens much more often than you can imagine unless you have been victimized in this way.

I am sorry beyond the  words that I write about what happened to you. You deserved to be cherished and to feel safe and secure. Now that you are grown I know that life is often a day to day struggle for some. I am committed to getting the word out about these atrocities that are done in secret. I see clearly behind the curtain that reveals these horrors. I wish you deliverance from the memories of what happened to you, an innocent, lovely child--now an adult.

Give yourself credit for surviving this.You are heroic. I hold a special place for you in my heart. Embrace the child inside of you. Comfort her. You have strength, integrity and the capacity to heal.

For some, excellent psychotherapy is a good beginning point. All healing starts with self care and a feeling of entitlement to lead a good life that has inner peace and hope and compassion toward yourself and from others within it. Take care of your needs for rest, sleep, use of your creative gifts, listening to healing music, spontaneous writing, finding individuals whom you can trust.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcisisstinyourlife.com

Narcissists Worship Image Not Authenticity

The Original Self is authentic, alive, spontaneous. It is a great joy to be in the presence and to share our lives with a person who is genuine---always himself or herself regardless of the occasion. I know a few of these individuals and feel an acceptance, calming, openness and hopefulness with them that is healing. These people are no frills--come as you are. They look into your eyes and you engage with them on a deep level.

 Narcissists are disingenuous and false. They play roles--give premiere performances that are believable to many people. Often they are very successful, especially during this time--a new age of narcissism. For the narcissist, image is reality. He or she must project the perfect image--physical attractiveness and beauty, youth, extravagance, elitism, wielding worldly power that spells personal superiority to others. Narcissists exploit and look down on those who are not at their level of success. (Being successful is a positive pursuit. I am talking about those who use their ruthless climb to the top as a way to make others feel small and worthless and to control them by intimidation.) Narcissists often insist that their spouses and children be externally perfect as well. This level of perfectionism is very extreme. Personal looks must be just right--literally one hair out of place, a tiny wrinkle in a shirt, makeup that is not exquisitely matched, a small facial asymmetry--any visual flaw of person or possession is sharply ridiculed.

If you have been raised by a narcissist or married to one, you know how difficult this obsessive focus on image and the lack of substance and authenticity. Narcissists try to hijack our genuineness. They make fun of our spontaneity, our mistakes, our human emotions. Living with a narcissist we are imprisoned by their strict sense of image---turning true reality inside out.

When you break free from them, you breathe deeply and begin to feel the stirrings of the real self that you had to leave behind long ago. You find yourself remembering who you really are. You begin to feel entitled, sometimes for the first time, to express yourself fully--emotionally, creatively, intellectually and spiritually. Celebrate Your Authenticity. You are alive, in the moment, feeling the gusts of freedom's winds at your back.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 
Linda Martinez-Lewi,, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Therapists Cause Psychological Harm to Their Clients

There are many highly qualified therapists who have fine clinical training and are excellent working with clients and helping them to heal.

This post is about a segment of psychotherapists who are narcissistic. This includes psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, psychologists and various other licensed counselors who work with clients. Narcissistic psychotherapists are out strictly for themselves. They often have a money motive as the primary purpose of their practice. Certainly, professionals are entitled to be paid fairly for the services that they offer. I am speaking about outrageous fees that climb higher and higher and are based on endless sessions of non-therapy. In some cases I know of narcissistic therapists who spend entire sessions talking about their private lives and their personal dilemmas, including their failed marriages, money issues, etc.

Narcissistic psychotherapists often project their unconscious self loathing on to their clients. When you are alone with a narcissist you are vulnerable to their toxic projections. I hear many stories about clients who were told that they were incapable of getting better, who were too dysfunctional and had to be in therapy indefinitely, who were very difficult clients and were not worth treating, who put you down and criticized you or belittled you. 

Clients in crisis are in a difficult situation. They need help--Now! Narcissistic psychotherapists mercilessly prey on these people. They get money out of those who are desperate. Narcissistic psychotherapists can lead clients to feel confused and worthless and cause psychological harm.

When you decide to go to a therapist, do a lot of excellent research. Check the therapist's credentials carefully. If you can get a referral this can be helpful. However, choosing a therapist is personal. You are looking for the therapist who is best suited to your personality. Make sure that the therapist is very clear about the fee. Check the fair rates for payment depending on the education, clinical training, degrees, etc of the therapist. Interview several therapists before you make a decision. You don't have to stay with a therapist with whom you cannot work. If you don't feel heard and understood after the first session, it is your right to not return to this professional. After all, you are hiring them. You are in charge. Always remember this. Pay attention to how you feel when you are with the therapist. Do you feel secure, accepted, understood. Is the therapist highly empathic--capable of putting themselves psychologically and emotionally in your place. Is the therapist's ego dropped or is he or she name dropping or polishing his or her image during the session. Does the therapist have a calming temperament and give you a genuine feeling of hope.
How well do you think the therapist knows himself/herself--This is essential. Therapists can be highly trained and recommended but if they are not self aware, they cannot successfully work with clients. Is the therapist a steadying influence in your life? As yourself these and many other questions and always remember to pay special attention to your intuition about the prospective therapist. What are you intuiting about this person?
The answers you receive are invaluable. I wish you the very best in finding the psychotherapist who will help you to heal, become calmer, more assertive, creative, more capable of loving yourself and others and having full use of your many creative gifts and capacities. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Healing Memories of Narcissistic Sibling's Deceptions and Cruelties

Although many years and decades have passed since you grew up with your narcissistic sibling, there are painful memories etched on your psyche. You remember the pain and feel it keenly--all of those times when you were treated deceptively by a narcissistic brother or sister--the taunting, baiting, bullying, even sadistic cruelties--they crowd your memory. You try to distract yourself but the scenes replay in your mind.
In order to heal childhood memories it is important to acknowledge that they happened. Many individuals remain suspended in disbelief or complete denial that they were treated so cruelly by a member of their own family--someone who was supposed to love them. Denial is not you psychological ally. Rather, it is in facing what you know happened to you, the true reality, that is the beginning of the healing process. Don't expect other family members to understand the truth about your narcissistic sibling, especially if he or she was the chosen one. Mother and/or father or other siblings will immediately come to his defense. You will be the only family member who knows and holds the truth. This is a very difficult position that you hold but the truth is powerful and essential to you and always has been. This knowing is a manifestation of your authenticity and your precious unique individuality. These are great gifts that flourish inside of you.

Allow yourself to feel sadness and regret for the brother or sister you did not have--the parent(s) who did not protect you from them and the little child you were who was subjected to horrible undeserved pain.
Hold yourself close and know that you have survived and are prevailing. Remember, none of this was your fault. You are not to blame. You were an innocent child. Love that dear child inside of you and comfort him/her.

As you move forward, one of the most powerful tools is in finally putting yourself and your welfare first--for the first time and the rest of your life. Create a program of recovery that includes eating nourishing food, getting the sleep that you need, exercise that you like or can tolerate, doing some form of quieting the mind--this can be guided meditation, relaxing music that you love, journal writing done freely. Pay attention to the intuitive messages that you are receiving---These are gifts from the unconscious that are always guiding us, helping us to evolve, create new directions in our lives. Don't let anyone dissuade you from you forward  momentum. Take no detours, even if a narcissistic charmer finds you irresistible.

Your striving each day is part of healing those old memories and creating new ones. Have faith in this process and give yourself enormous credit for following this pathway of higher consciousness and recovery. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com