Narcissists-Seeking Pleasure and Escape-Causing You Pain

Narcissists are consummate pleasure seekers (Each narcissist defines his/her idea of pleasure). They are also escape artists. Bottom line---They are running to these diversions to escape from themselves. This is done on an unconscious level. Narcissists are extremely restless people, always plotting and planning their next business coup, the downfall of a competitor or bete noire, the seduction of a new romantic partner, an escape to a private paradise where no one, except their golden circle of admirers, can find them. Meanwhile if you have been married to a narcissist and are in the process of divorce or an ex, your life and your person have been deeply wounded psychologically during the years you have shared with him/her. The divorce battles are often the final blows that the narcissist inflicts on the man or woman who has become his prime enemy.

Some narcissists lead more than one life simultaneously. They "do a lot of business traveling" meaning they go on boondoggles and become intimately involved with co-workers. All of this is explained by the narcissist to the spouse as part of their legitimate professional roles. Some spouses accept these flimsy, see through excuses over decades. They cannot believe that their narcissistic spouse would ever betray them. This is tragic to be deceived over and over again. The emotional pain sustained by discovering each time that you spouse is lying again. I have known narcissistic spouses who are willing to overlook this reprehensible behavior because they are too intimidated by the narcissistic partner. They worry about the financial implications if the marriage is formally severed. I understand that we must be realistic and practical but staying married to a narcissist can cause extreme emotional and mental stress and in some cases, physical illness. Staying married to a narcissist is devastating to the children in the family. In some cases, one of them will follow in the footsteps of the narcissistic parent and become a narcissist. I hear from ex-spouses whose children have become narcissists due to the powerful influence of a narcissistic spouse. These life stories are very painful.

First, recognize that you spouse is a narcissistic personality disorder. There are many excellent sources for doing research into the narcissistic personality in-depth through books, blogs, video, etc. When you have identified this person as a narcissist, know that he or she is not going to change. This is a fixed disorder. The narcissist has no reason to change. Everything is going perfectly for him at everyone else's expense. If you are married to one, consider a divorce or separation.Do you homework, call upon your small loyal support group. Take good care of yourself. Do cardiovascular exercise, practice gentle yoga which calms the nervous system and clarifies the mind. Take a short period of time each day to meditate. Find the method that works best for you. Meditation steadies the mind and body and deepens the capacity for insight and intuition. Above all, recognize the value of your life and your uniqueness. You are entitled to live in peace with a strong sense of optimism about the present and future. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph..D.
TELEPHONE CONSULTATION:United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Raise Themselves and Their Siblings

There is an extra psychological burden placed on daughters of narcissistic mothers. If they are not the chosen child they are expected to be at the instant service of mother--day and night. Some narcissistic mothers think nothing of awakening their children even in the middle of the night if they want something or just need to vent. Their behaviors are often unpredictable and anxiety provoking to their children. Those outside the walls of the house, even those who are "close friends" of the family never have any idea of how sadistic and cruel these mothers are. Narcissistic mothers are incapable of psychological attachment to their daughters. They view them as animate objects to be used to fulfill their goals, especially to enhance their false image of being a good parent.
In many instances the oldest daughter raises the other children in the family. Some of these girls are as young as seven years old when the entire burden of taking care of the younger one is foisted on their small shoulders. I have been in communication with a number of daughters who had to take on this role. It is quite remarkable that a young girl could be capable of  this level of responsibility. These adult daughters say that they had no choice. They were there and carrying for the little ones was expected of them and they did all of the hard work. These little mothers were never praised. Rather the narcissistic mother found every opportunity to criticize her daughter at every turn. These daughters never had a childhood; they are forced to grow up too fast. Many of them had to work from early in the morning, taking care of the very young ones, getting them off to school, taking care of them when they arrived back home and tucking them into bed at night. Meals and baths and reading were all done by the daughter of the narcissistic mother. This is remarkable.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to deal with a double burden. They dealt with the coldness, deceptions, lies and unpredictability of a non-mother. There is the mother wound they have had to deal with throughout their lives. Some of these women did have aunts and grandmothers and the mothers of their friends who provided them with some nurturing and affection.

Many of these adult daughters of narcissistic mothers are loving mothers to their own children. Others decide not to have children. They have sustained too much emotional deprivation to consider having children of their own and repeat the process of raising them all over again. Daughters of narcissistic mothers are amazing survivors who deserve our deep respect. They have done everything possible to survive psychologically and have sustained their younger siblings despite the fact that they were children themselves. The power of perseverance and compassion in these individuals is inspiring. It renews our hope in human nature. To understand the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Wonder Woman

Some narcissistic women fit in a category that I call the Wonder Woman. There is nothing she can't achieve. The narcissistic wonder woman is highly competitive. She will do and say anything to be number one. Some narcissistic wonder women have high metabolisms. They either feel very little pain or are masterful at concealing their pain. They have wills of iron. The narcissistic wonder woman has an impeccable external image that is constantly updated and refreshed using a variety of aesthetic procedures. The narcissistic wonder woman may appear to be slightly manic. She is restless, moving all of the time. They are not bi-polar disorders. She knows how to expertly wield the bejeweled axe on those who are obstacles on your upward trajectory. Think of the Atlantis rocket fully ignited on the launch pad. Are you going to get in front of this one--I don't think so.

If you are feeling weak, vulnerable, are incapable of empathy. They expect no complaints, no vulnerability and of course no tragedy.

The narcissist uses primitive unconscious projections to inflict pain on you.  These are defense mechanisms that are out of the narcissist's consciousness. If you have to deal with the narcissistic wonder woman, learn how to be psychologically detached. Developing a regular hatha yoga practice with emphasis on the breath will help you focus. Meditation, quieting the mind is another way of learning how to detach from the narcissist.

Learn to appreciate that you are real. You have genuine feelings. You are not a machine, an artiface.  You are authentic with many creative gifts. Go forward with your life and appreciate your individuality. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

How Many Ways Will You Be Recycled by the Narcissist

For thousands of years women have been used, abused, cycled and re-cycled by narcissistic men. They are girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, first wives, second wives, third wives, etc. ex-wives.  A narcissist will use you any time you are of benefit to him for varieties of reasons. Maybe you have access to money--your own or through your family. Are you highly visible socially and well connected. Do you have high prestige as a professional. Are you beautiful. Do you have a prominent family. Are you dependent on men and willing to do anything to make them happy---even compromising your entire life. I hear these stories all of the time and it is heartbreaking.

Narcissists are super exploiters---They don't have relationships with women--They use them to the hilt at every opportunity. Many woman know this but are beguiled by a particular narcissistic man and the lifestyle that he promises. Do you realizes that while he is slathering it on thick with you, he is thinking of several other women on whom he will use this same script. Yes it is like being in a play. Narcissists never take the feelings of others seriously. They don't care if you are hurt and abandoned. You---Unique You-- are easily replaceable to the narcissist. As long as he  looks great, is potent, feels money flush, and is turning heads and getting ahead and toppling others in business--that's all he cares about. This is the raw truth about the narcissist. Once you know this, take it to heart and spare yourself a lot of suffering.

Lead the life that you deserve. Choose a man who is up to your standards--someone capable of love, affection, emotional intimacy. Strengthen yourself so that you are not inclined to fall for this kind of infantile, selfish, deceitful man ever again. I wish you the very best. I have faith in you. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists-Their Devious Traps and Snares

Covert narcissists on their game are so smooth, you don't realize you have been psychologically mugged until it is too late. The covert narcissist is a genius at putting you off guard. The conversation begins pleasantly. There are easy verbal exchanges at first. You become spontaneous with this person. You are on a roll and having a good time. Then, without any warning, come the precision cuts with a very sharp instrument the primitive projections of the the covert narcissist.

Different covert narcissists have perfected different styles for ambushing you and making you feel  worthless, incompetent, anxious,confused, unsure of yourself, emotionally hurt and ultimately very angry. There are who appear to ask innocent questions. They want to get to know you. You start to get comfortable with them. You let down your defenses. They start to ask personal questions beyond what kind of work do you do. How much do you make. What are the taxes on your house. How much did it cost to re-do your kitchen, how much money do you have in the bank,how are your stocks doing and which ones do you have, what are they worth, do you have any illnesses, are you divorced, single, between marriages, and on and on. It never stops. Covert narcissists have no psychological boundaries, no respected or awareness of the feelings of others.When they find a sore spot they probe more deeply. You are now becoming more and more uncomfortable and anxious but you feel compelled to answer them.You are afraid they will become angry with you. You are being overwhelmed by the force of their personality. They view themselves as supreme controllers. Your private information give them a feeling of power over you that they can use to manipulate your feelings.

Another covert narcissist style is the Humble Bragger. They are clever and subtle asking about how you are first. You tell them, believing that they are sincere. They have mastered the sincerity act. They seem to be humble, very interested in you. They offer you bouquets of compliments and hang on your every word. After you have revealed yourself, they go into their Can You Top This Mode. They brag about how much money they make, the important people they know personally and with whom they are connected both professionally and socially. One phone call will get them any job they want at the highest levels. They attend parties with the creme de la creme of the inner circles of the A list people. (These are usually Super Narcissists). With all of this bragging they are inflating themselves and clearly implying that you don't have anything of value to offer. They have flipped you over like a spider that can't make himself upright with all of his efforts. They leave you doubting yourself, feeling "less than" , frustrated with yourself and angry.
Learn to recognize these narcissists in disguise. They are very subtle. Most people don't recognize them. Be assertive with them. Don't answer their questions. You can say: I don't answer personal questions. Stick with your answer. Study the narcissistic personality disorder, recognizing that this is another version that you can learn to identify. Keep your distance from them if you can. If you have to interact with them, keep reminding yourself of who they really are -----They are worse than wolves in sheep's clothing. They can be downright diabolical.

Practice quieting the mind through meditation in the way that works best for you. Keep tuning into your intuition. This capacity will reveal their true nature to you. Practice gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. Meditation develops clear mental discernment and detachment from toxic individuals. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists--Too Powerful to Be Held Accountable for Their Sexual Treacheries

In many ways we still live in a patriarchal society despite the tremendous inroads that provide equal opportunities in education and professional options to women not possible decades ago.

There are still some areas where narcissistic men are given a pass to do whatever they want.  Remember the phrase "too big to fail". We can say about these men that they are "too important and powerful to be held accountable for any of their actions, even serious crimes." Unfortunately, there are too many men and women who defend these narcissistic dangerous human beings. These exploiters are often high level sociopath narcissists in professional positions of the highest power. Many people revere them because of their amassed wealth, their global connections and influence and the real and palpable influence that they hold over others. Everyone wants to be on this man's team, by his side as a marital partner. Their followers are bathed in the unction that the world pours on them.

Some of these men have committed the horrendous crime of raping women. Yes---No one wants to talk about that one.Often sociopathic narcissists brutalize women whom they view as below their social, educational and economic class. They know that they can get away with the sexual assaults because the victims will be frightened to charge them and if charged they will experience ridicule and full frontal bombardment from the narcissist's defense dream team. They have defended sociopathic narcissists before and gotten most of them off---even on the most heinous charges.

Some of these men rape their wives for years. The victims speak out only to friends who will hold their dark secrets. They remain married to these husbands from hell because they feel worthless, powerless and don't want to disrupt the image of the family they believe they must uphold.

Woman and men who see through the delusion of the sociopathic narcissist must speak up on a variety of fronts: ethical, legal, social, moral, psychological. Identify and unmask the sociopathic narcissist. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book; Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers---Their Children are Narcissistic Supplies

The narcissistic mother, especially those who overpower their spouse and everyone in the household with the force of her will, treats her children like narcissistic supplies. Narcissistic mothers enhance their grandiosity and overblown sense of omnipotence by using their children to enhance their bloated egos and the elaborate false mask that they show the world. Most people outside of these highly dysfunctional homes would never guess or believe that these mothers are abusing their children. Some narcissistic mothers play their parts so well that other family members living outside the home believe their well rehearsed act. Narcissistic mothers often cast their children in different roles. Many choose a child who will become a perfect mirror of the narcissistic mother. The chosen child is often very bright, can be gifted musically, has athletic skills and is very attractive or pretty. Mother is entranced with this child. She has found the perfect vision of herself in this being to whom she has given birth. This child is adored by her over all of her other children. The others siblings are treated very differently. Often there is a sensitive kid who endures volumes of verbal abuse and assault to his person. She/he is told that she is ugly, can never measure up, is deficient, etc. This cruel theme is repeated daily to this child and has very negative effects on this individual's psyche. Even those who are "chosen" , though privileged and allowed to do whatever they want, including being cruel to their brothers and sisters, are forced to become a perfect clone of the mother. They are human puppets who must dance to her choreography---They are living narcissistic supplies.

Narcissistic mothers as they grow older continue these cruel practices, turn one child against the other, causing psychological chaos and emotional damage. Those who are victims of these non-mothers try to survive the best they can. Even into adulthood, victims of narcissistic mother's abuse are still suffering the tortures of childhood. At some point many of these adult children decide that they must sever this "relationship" with mother to reclaim their own lives and their unique selves. They stop contact with the narcissistic mother. They seek the support of others who understand their suffering and are there to comfort them and help them heal. Human beings are resilient when provided with good psychological nourishment. Many of these scapegoated children, free from the narcissistic mother gulag, discover their creative gifts, find that they are able to have deep loving relationships and find inner peace inside of themselves. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com