The Repetition of Trauma with the Narcissistic Spouse/Partner

So often those who are married to narcissistic spouses or who have narcissistic partners are repeating an abusive cycle of behavior that they experienced in childhood and beyond. They move from the traumatic home where they were continually in a psychological state of siege to marriage to a narcissistic partner who always has them in a state of apprehension and in some cases--all out terror. Each moment they know that their narcissistic partner might come unglued and go into a violent vituperative rage. They know it will happen--the question is When? The narcissistic spouse is predictably unpredictable. Highly secretive, he/she is very controlling--even to the point of hacking your email, following your footsteps to the mall via your cell phone, watching and listening as you speak with friends. There is no where to hid, to find peace or respite.

For some this is a vivid reminder of their childhood with a narcissistic mother and/or father. When we are little, we know instinctively that we must survive. We do our best. We are so vulnerable. We walk the walk we are given and mouth the words that are spoken. For some, childhood is a kind of brainwashing, a prison, a gulag. Some children feel that there will never be a return from this place of desolation and constant fear. Who will rescue them? Who will come, they ask through their tears. Some children are afraid to cry. This can be dangerous after all if you get slapped in the face every time you show an emotion.

One would think logically that if we are raised in this horrendous environment in the world of the narcissistic parent we would never choose a narcissist as a partner. But this is frequently not the case. Unconsciously we are drawn to what is familiar albeit painful. And besides this, narcissists are so clever in the opening moves. They know how to catch our attention, how to magnetize us to them, how to make us fall in love or lust with them against every best judgment we ever had. They have phenomenal antenna and can sense our deepest needs and vulnerabilities--this despite that beneath it all, they don't give a damn about us.

Once the spouse knows that he/she is being victimized by a narcissist there is a great opportunity to leave this toxic person. But life isn't that simple or easy. Divorcing a narcissist is complex and ugly, usually. But I have known many who have done this and gone through the fire of this ordeal and come out very much alive, limping at first and then moving steadily faster toward a life that belongs to them. They have broken the pathological cycle of repetition. Life is waiting for them to take the next step---Their Very Own. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Use, Abuse, Dispose

We live in a narcissistic society today. Look around at those wielding the most power and influence. A large percentage of them are narcissists. (There are exceptions---individuals who have tremendous success and have great character and integrity).

Narcissists adopt a predictable cycle of Use, Abuse, Dispose. This pathological repetition can last a few weeks or decades, depending on how long you put your fate in the hands of a narcissistic personality. With a narcissist there is never an authentic relationship. He/she is a grandiose false self without conscience, empathy or compassion. Narcissists are ruthless and exploitive to the core.

Learn to recognize the NPD quickly and accurately. If they are oozing with too much charm and you get the intuition to step back, pay attention to this inner wisdom. Giving you the rush is part of their scheme to control and manipulate you. Narcissists always want something from you. If you think they love you, give that one up quickly. NPD's are users only--They put on the show of a lifetime--consummate actors at center stage with their adoring audiences.

Narcissists completely lack empathy--the ability to feel and understanding what another person is experiencing on a deep level. They also lack compassion and are not introspective. They are street savvy and know how to find your most vulnerable parts and learn how to play to perfection.

Once the narcissist has gotten what he wants--status, pleasure, power, connections, intrigue, romance, etc. he sends you out the door without an apology, true explanation or a hint of guilt. Remember, these individuals do not have a conscience so they don't experience guilt. They sleep very well at night while you are tossing about in emotional and psychological agony. Don't let this happen to you. Study these NPD's deeply and you will know how to identify them and keep them out of your life or show them the door with great dispatch.

Your life is precious. It belongs to you. You have many gifts. Use them---all of them and more. You deserve deep inner peace and relationships that are warm, loving, supportive and empathic. To learn about every facet of the NPD, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Socialized Sociopaths Do Their Dirty Work Unscathed--Free Yourself from Them

The socialized sociopath is alive and very well in our culture today. Their numbers are growing and they are striving at the expense of those who are most vulnerable--their children, siblings, spouses. The image is impeccable. They convince everyone to believe their lies. They lead many lives and continually deceive, exploit and destroy. They commit crimes of the heart by abandoning their children, literally and emotionally and through their perpetration of great harm upon them. They treat their spouses like dirt and wipe the floors with them. (But no one sees this horrific display of multiple treacheries).

Those who are awake and aware need to spread the word about these monsters living in our midst. Many of those whom you tell will not believe you so be selective. The truth is a rare commodity these days. Money is speaking more loudly on the public stage and in the offices of our CEO's and the movers and shakers in business and government.

It is time to rise to this occasion and extricate yourself from socialized sociopaths. If they are family members, go no contact with them. You don't have to explain yourself or give them any reason. It is none of their business. After all, they have made your entire life a living hell. Why make excuses for the disasters they have visited upon you.

Your best counter play is the way you lead your life, your healing process, the discovery and use of your many creative gifts and finding those who deserve to be in your company. Finding the best ways for you to calm your mind and your nervous system is an essential part of your new life. Do this daily and it will become a habit. Did you forget to laugh? Smile broadly? Be very silly? You never forgot. Get back into practice.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Becoming Whole after the Narcissist in Your Life

You have been through a long harrowing, gut wrenching and horrific experience with a narcissistic spouse or narcissistic mother, father or sibling. Most people do not understand what you have endured and how you have survived. They are too caught up in their lives and have short attention spans for the traumas and tragedies of others. However, you will find a few very unique individuals who will become part of your support system. In some instances an important part of your recovery will be working with a psychotherapist who is excellent and dedicated to you as a client and has an in-depth clinical background in the NPD and those who suffer from their countless cruelties.

One of the first steps is in believing that you can heal from this ordeal and that you deserve and are entitled to finally lead your own life without bending to the will and outrageous demands of the narcissist. If you were raised by a narcissistic mother or father, you needed to survive and played the part that was mapped out for you, often knowing that something was very wrong with one or both of your parents and/or siblings.
Human beings are meant to be whole, to experience inner peace, to give and receive love, to feel joy deep within them, to have full use of their creative gifts and to follow a spiritual pathway in the manner that each person defines this.

The essential healing factor is self care. You have spent most of your life, moving through the narrow psychological spaces that were required as a result of your relationship with a narcissistic personality.
Now you are no longer required to define yourself in this way. You are no longer a narcissistic supply or possession of the narcissist. You will find that that there is a place deep inside of you that is independent, spontaneous, creative, has humor and knows that your possibilities are boundless. You will not let anyone interfere with your forward trajectory. When the pain of past cruel deeds come to mind, you acknowledge it, understand their context and then return to your true self which always leads the way.

Learning how to calm the body/mind through meditation in a form that works for you is very helpful. Responding to you intellectual and creative curiosity is one of life's greatest gifts to us. We wade into an area of passionate interest and find ourselves deeply immersed--We are happily lost in our journey to understand what has fascinated us for so long. The company of caring, loving friends and companions is one of the best medicines for healing and wholeness. You deserve to receive the affection that others feel for you and to know that this is happening because these individuals are recognizing something special inside of you that is unique and wonderful.

Be open to the messages of your unconscious--your dreams that come each night to speak the truth in metaphors, extraordinary scenes, verbal messages, vivid colors and incredible characters that you create while in REM sleep. Listen to your intuition for new directions in your life. Be open and receptive and you will hear these messages with ease. Tapping into this gift of yours will become a natural part of your daily life.
The self seeks wholeness. That is one of its essential functions. Embrace this process and you will find the inner peace and inspiration you have been seeking all of your life and that you justly deserve. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com and talk with me at the narcissist in your life facebook.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Image is Reality for Narcissistic Personalities

Today we are bombarded by narcissistic messages--"I am superior, brighter, more attractive and successful than you." "I am more important than most people" This thinking and our society's embracing of it is all part of the narcissism epidemic that surrounds us. It is important to be highly aware of this current reality. There have always been narcissists since we were bipeds. Today narcissistic personalities are rewarded handsomely for having destructive personality traits: ruthlessness, chronic lying, deceit, duplicity, complete lack of empathy, exploitation of others, especially those who are psychologically and emotionally vulnerable.

For the narcissist---image is reality--that perfect look, the smile that gleams with whiter than white teeth, the impeccable wardrobe, the flawless tight skin, the perfectly sculpted body. All this is part of the narcissist's identity. Everything is externalized. People for him or her are objects to be used and disposed of, especially if they are spouses who have become inconvenient when the narcissist decides to move on to the next exciting phase of his life--a younger wife perhaps, a more attractive adoring husband with unlimited amounts of money, a lifestyle of self indulgence. 

The narcissistic image is revered throughout the western world. Beneath the surface where the truth lies, this person  is psychologically empty and carries unconscious feelings of self loathing. One would never think this, watching the narcissist in full regalia and acting at center stage but this is the truth.

Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Arm yourself with this knowledge. It is serve you well in your personal and professional life.

Above all, embrace your authenticity and use all of your creative gifts. You will be surprised what you find in these veins of gold within you. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers Conceal Severe Abuse of Their Children

Narcissistic mothers fool most people who are living outside the home, even their close relatives and friends. I hear very sad, tragic life stories from daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers recounting in detail the horrors of their childhoods. In some cases the fathers of the abused children were kept in the dark about the full extent of the chronic abuse. Some dads simply turned the child raising over to his wife and became completely caught up in his career. In some cases the father was suspicious but turned a blind eye to the mental and psychological abuse perpetrated by his narcissistic wife. Like Pontius Pilate, he washed his hands of the whole matter.

No one knew that the NM was highly disturbed, chronically abusive and severely neglectful. Close relatives didn't see through the attractive convincing masks that the narcissistic mother wore. For her this was "Show and Tell" time---an opportunity to brag about her perfect children. The phony act was presented as a direct reflection of her love and devotion to her kids.

Some adult children subjected to this treatment describe their terror state as that of a prisoner in a far off gulag. No matter how they repeatedly tried to deal with mother--begging her that they would do everything to live up to her expectations, asking her for forgiveness for crying or politely requesting that their basic needs for regular meals and sleep be fulfilled. Screaming, even raising your voice was responded to with multiple slaps in the face, out of control spanking and repeated threats of abandonment. This horrid torture treatment began when these children were very small. Victims recollect to me that by the age of three they lived in constant terror--some fearful that they could not tolerate another second.

 Outside the house these mothers are worthy of Oscar winning performances. As a career woman the narcissistic mother takes advantage of every kudo she can get from her fellow business associates. She shows photographs of her children, chirping about them with great enthusiasm and pride. Everyone believes her--why not? NM is a consummate actress who will not be denied playing her star role to the hilt.

I want to express my respect, warmth, affection and gratitude for those who contact me and others who have not who lived through this nightmare every young day of their lives. You deserve great credit. You survived with your integrity and your true self. I am not for a moment disregarding your suffering. It was insurmountable.

I celebrate the unique human being that you are and will always be. May you continue to heal, to create, to feel peace inside and know that you are deeply loved. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stop Cycling Back to the Narcissist for More Torture

I frequently--more times than I can count--hear from men and women who are trapped in a severely painful pattern of returning to their narcissistic spouse or narcissistic parent. Each time they go back they believe that life with the NPD is going to be different. This is not true. With very rare exception --Once A Narcissist Always A Narcissist! If you are involved with a narcissist it may help you to repeat these words to yourself and recognize that you can no longer tolerate sharing your life with this highly pathological person.
I use the word "torture" ("the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain") in the title to emphasize how impossible narcissists make our lives with their multiple cruelties. Sadistic, cold, controlling, treacherous--they gain pleasure from weakening us, to have ultimate control over our being and in some cases to destroy us.

You don't deserve this. You didn't when you first became involved with this person. If you are the child of a narcissistic parent, you happened to be born by fate into a highly pathological family. First, ​know that this is not your fault. You are not to blame.

Some children grow up only knowing cruelty and torture. This is how their identities are shaped. The idea of being loved, feeling peace, protection or freedom is not part of their psychological repertoire. They have a prisoner of the gulag mentality and that is not surprising. We tend to repeat what we have experienced early in our lives. Some children have a sense that their narcissistic family members or their narcissistic spouses are very disturbed and they make a break for it early.

Being a child of  a narcissist lingers in the psyche, mind and heart. This innocent person did not get the bonding, loving touch and kind words of affirmation that he absolutely needed. He was criticized, thrown away, discounted and in severe cases---tortured.

Why would anyone return to this horrid scene of psychological massacre that almost killed our souls. Because human beings tend to repeat what they know, what is familiar. A child raised by a narcissist who feels undeserving and worthless and un-entitled will be drawn to partners who have a similar personality structure and will abuse them.

Over and over again the victim returns for more abuse, then leaves, then comes back and on it goes. In some cases the victim is broken and this is tragic.

Don't wait any longer. Understand who your narcissistic torturer is--through and through. Then make a decision that you will sever this non-relationship. Do the work of healing yourself through the methods that work best for you--excellent psychotherapy (Be careful--don't choose a narcissistic therapist), yoga practice that is gentle with emphasis on the breathing that quiets the nervous system, getting the sleep that you need and deserve, discovering and using your creative gifts, finding and nurturing loving and caring relationships. 

I know that you will end this cycle of abuse and torture. I have faith in your decision and action to change your life along the pathway of healing and wholeness and yes, peace.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.