She may exude perfection in every way. She is articulate, bright, has impeccable manners and has command of herself. Before you go ahead with the engagement and marriage I suggest you take a very close psychological look at your mother-in-law to be. This is especially the case if you are already having small tremors about her self absorption, obsession with image and her iron control of her son---your future husband. People always give themselves away if you are watching closely enough. If you intended is too close to mother and highly dependent on her for approval, this is a sign that he is not individuated from her. If he is still holding on to her and over-doing the need for approval by her, it is time to pay attention. Does mother have boundary issues? Is she very self entitled? Does she always speak about herself rather than listen. Do you viscerally sense that your husband to be is one of her living possessions----a prized golden boy narcissistic supply? There are so many instances when women fall in love with a particular man only to find out that his mother is intruding herself upon the marriage. It is up to the mature son to have made the separation and to put his wife first. With a narcissistic matriarch this can be very difficult. If you buck these women they can become very nasty and make every effort to sabotage your relationship. Does you husband to be always bow to his mother's wishes regardless of how outrageous they are? Pay attention to the signs and to your reaction to her. What are you feeling about her on a deep intuitive level. Is she wearing a thin veneer of graciousness and sociability that can be removed in an instant. Is she a surface person who is obsessed with her image rather than on developing as a genuine human being.
You are not marrying this man's mother but if the strings have not been sufficiently severed and he is still holding on to her and she is constantly tugging at him and you sense there is no room for you in the equation, seriously consider taking a big step back. Trust your intuitive judgment. I have heard of too many cases when a woman knew instinctively that her spouse to be was too tied up with a narcissistic mother and went ahead with the marriage---which turned out to be a long nightmare. Have confidence in yourself to make these decisions. Do not feel pressured by anyone, including your parents or friends. Take hold of the reins of your life. You will know how to make this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation:: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life