Friday, May 31, 2013

Narcissistic Mothers Throw Their Children Away

Narcissistic mothers are dogged about one thing: getting exactly what they want---at the expense of their children. It doesn't matter if a child is an infant, toddler or teenager, the narcissistic mother is obsessed with her own needs and desires. She puts on a convincing act for business associates, friends, neighbors and her community. She is often considered a model of compassion and service in her public life. "I can't believe how that woman does so much for others; she is so generous. How does she do it with her children?"  "She is amazing."  "She does it all." There are people who give adulation to these women who are very successful in their careers and who "raise their children." 

This is an elaborate act that the narcissistic mother has choreographed. She is a one woman PR machine, making certain there are photos and videos of her being such an "incredible human being." She is given awards and fancy parties and tributes; she is revered. These narcissists are busy pumping up their perfect images 24/7. Narcissistic mothers cultivate faithful followers who are loyal to her and sing her praises. 

Many people are very naive. They don't want to believe that someone who appears to be so competent, attractive, "friendly" and "selfless" could be a dreadful highly pathological human being. Narcissistic mothers throw their children away. Regardless of the roles she puts them in, they are servants, even slaves to this toxic mama. There is no routine, plan, consistency, personal care or minimal interest in the children. They simply have to protect themselves and survive as best they can. Living under these conditions is like being in constant oncoming fire. It it a war of survival inside of these homes. Often the fathers are absent and psychologically dependent of the narcissistic mother. She rules the entire household like a Wicked Queen. She thinks it's funny to terrorize her kids like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland who kept screaming: "Off with their heads!" Some narcissistic mothers are highly sadistic and are thrilled when they see the stark terror on their children's faces and listen to them cry and scream for mercy.

Those who survive this kind of childhood deserve our deep respect. It is a marvel. I have discovered that many adult children of narcissistic mothers are incredibly compassionate, empathic individuals. They carry the burden of the emotional wounds of childhood which ways them down. They suffer greatly. And despite it all, many of them are determined to recover. They decide that they will learn about self care, self love, self entitlement. Many are helped by psychotherapy of different kinds, healing modalities like hatha yoga and meditation, prayer, support from loyal friends.

You have survived and will prevail. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Voracious Greed and Psychological Emptiness Riding Tandem with Narcissistic Personality

Greed is an unrelenting craving in the mind and gut to have more. It is substance abuse--the substance of possessions, lifestyle, luxury obsession, great extended pleasure escapes, monetary hoarding, incessant unquenchable desire for material things. Greed and psychological emptiness ride side by side in the narcissistic personality.

Greed often originates from early maternal deprivation. When a child is not able to psychologically bond with his mother, there is a lack of connection that is profound. This void of attachment follows the baby, child and adult throughout his life. Children suffer the negative effects of not having a real mother who pays close attention to them, is emotionally available, present to comfort them when they are in need, to encourage their efforts and reward them with praise. Greed grows in many individuals who feel like they are "not enough" as a result of early emotional and psychological deprivation. The budding and full grown narcissist substitutes the seeking and possession of objects of desire for the painful emptiness he unconsciously feels as a result of this deprivation. Hoarding is often a part of this cycle. Those who are operating out of extreme greed can never have enough. The restless emptiness inside cannot be satisfied with objects. They are distracting and beautiful and can be thrilling but eventually the need for more arises once again. There are individuals who have too many possessions but cannot stop themselves from wanting, pursuing and getting more. They can never be satisfied because the deep need is psychological and the damage occurred early. The greedy narcissist is consciously unaware of this dynamic. Friends and family praise the narcissist for his professional and financial successes. These are the narcissistic supplies that feed him. But again, the "need" arises once more and the narcissist must seek out some material fix or experience that will satiate his desire to have whatever he craves and desires.

The narcissist collects people whom he lures and possesses. He/she marries unsuspecting individuals who don't understand the trap they have entered. The doors close behind them and they are in for a choppy, cruel ride. Trying to fill a narcissist's psychological emptiness, become the receptacle of his/her corrosive rage and intimadations is too much to bear. The spouse, adult child or sibling on the receiving end of these severe
abuses must decide if they respect themselves and are entitled as a human being to sever this relationship with someone so pathological even if it is a family member by marriage or birth. The narcissist will always find others to feed on, to humiliate, to be his servants. Go your own way; gather your deep strengths, know that you can rediscover and re-activate your own life. Acknowledge your special gifts of creativity, your loving heart and the forward trajectory of your life that is waiting for you to say: Yes!!!!! Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissitinyourlife.com


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Dropping the Burden of Image after Divorcing Narcissistic Husband

After you have divorced your narcissistic spouse and not discounting all the psychological, mental and financial hell you have endured, you are free to drop the image that he imposed on you, down a bottomless well, watch it go up in smoke, wave it an eternal goodbye, say the hell with it, yell with abandon--that was not me!

Narcissists wear their image like the skin on their bodies, the hair on their head, in their innards, especially their cold, reluctant hearts. They forced you to keep a perfect appearance and watched every hair on your head to make sure it was tilting in the just the right direction even when breezes blew. Some spouses say that they were forced to be made over by the narcissistic spouse. Under duress they went through all sorts of aesthetic procedures to make themselves look more perfect. Women who think they have a free will become enveloped under the power and force of the personality of the narcissist. They don't know their own minds anymore and wonder if they ever did. Some are so enthralled by the life styles they have found with this new union that they are psychologically drunk with the material pleasures that they can now have. If they were raised in a poor or low middle class family this need to have more is part of their definition of "making it." This of course does not fit all woman. Many of them understand that financial success is not the sine qua non of life. It is essential that we use as many creative and intellectual gifts that we are given and expand and deepen them throughout our lives.

Life is not about coasting along--"Summertime, and the living is easy.." Great lyric but not a blueprint for a mindful life.

When we become only pleasure seekers and avoid pain and the hard work of knowing ourselves, we are going nowhere. We are moving in the worn old tracks of repetition. The outward trappings look different but we are repeating over and over again, going in circles. I have known women even today who have dropped entire careers and found their prince. He adores her and she feels that every wish she drempt of will now come true. He will give anything to her and does. She has landed a very big fish--a prince charming with lots of monetary security and a bulging open wallet and a loyalty to her that will never quit--he needs her that much and she knows it and uses this to the hilt. All she has to do is look pretty, give him plenty of sex and be open to his "brilliant ideas."  She has bought the entire package. These marriages are arrangements not true relationships. There is nothing deep going on here. No psychological or emotional growth is taking place.

Getting back to unburdening yourself of the narcissistic image demanded in your past marriage. You have defied the narcissist by divorcing him. You are saying: "I won't live your delusion anymore or play your game."  "I owe myself my authenticity, my inner and outer voice, the use of all of my gifts and the freedom to express myself as a unique individual."  After the divorce deluge and the waters have receded, you look around as you heal and put your life back together in your style and way. Maybe this time you long for simplicity--no frills, no fancies, no trips to the moon.--Just you--that wonderful person you were always meant to be--that baby smiling and laughing because he or she exists right now in the world, that compassionate soul with the open heart that warms yourself and others. You are treading lighter on the earth. You feel flexible, supple, more grounded and surer inside yourself. You will learn to treasure your solitude, to embrace your creativity and to find others who are taking a similar path on the best road--the one less traveled. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses of Narcissists--Fearful, Vigilant-- Compromising their Authenticity

They may look lovely or handsome. They may be high achievers . They may be gracious and courteous publicly; they apply their social skills successfully. These individuals are married to narcissistic spouses. Beneath that pearly smile, gleaming face, the convincing look in the eyes that everything is "fine", the narcissist's spouse lives in fear, is highly vigilant of everything he/she does or says. This person has signed on for a life of psychological imprisonment. 

The narcissistic spouses stipulates and insists on all of the moves. The wife or husband has no real bargaining power. Every idea that you bring up is shot down immediately and vehemently. Although it is not surprising that you concept will be commandeered by your narcissistic spouse later in a slightly revised form as "his brilliant idea." Narcissists take credit for the work of others; this is part of their MO. Your original concepts and ideas belong to the narcissistic spouses.  They pay attention to you when something goes wrong,,especially when they make big mistakes. They blame them them on you. The narcissist is never at fault. After all they don't have a well developed conscience. Spouses married to narcissists believe that they are the inadequate ones, especially if they grew up in a family with a narcissistic parent. They are accustomed to this drill; it is very familiar to them. Take all the blame on yourself

When you are married to a narcissist you cannot be true to yourself. You have a difficult time recognize and exercising your creative gifts; you live in a state of fear and vigilance. The narcissist sends volleys of rage at you at close range. You are the receptacle for these painful, humiliating irrational assaults. Some spouses learn how to "take it" and feel helpless and guilty all of the time. Others discover that they can no longer live this way and must get out of this non marriage from hell. If there are children this can be complicated but the newly awakened abused spouse is determined to be free.

After the divorce the recovery of your authentic self begins. Some benefit from psychotherapy and other healing processes like hatha yoga, forms of meditation, becoming active in support groups that reinforce your healthy sense of self entitlement. Continue on your journey of freedom and celebrate. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Vissisitudes of Living with Narcissistic Rage

You have felt the ever sharp knifing through your body innumerable times if you are married to a narcissist, the son or daughter of a narcissist or sibling of a narcissist.  Narcissistic rage is always on a boil within this person. It explodes at full force without provocation. He/she is filled with charm, magnetism, grace, conversation that moves so skillfully---yet when you are alone, in private the dynamic changes 180 degrees.
Now he is rampaging through the house--yelling, screeching, howling like a person gone mad.

If you are the child of a narcissist you remember too vividly how close your narcissistic mother got to your face, her eyes gone wild, her mouth fully open, your nervous system quaking--you telling yourself: "This time she is going to kill me.!" Being on the receiving end of a narcissist's primal rage feels like imminent death. But you don't die and wish you had because the primitive sound does not stop. It feeds on itself. You run and the narcissist pursues you in the house. You can't get away. It's like a recurring dream that haunts you every night.

Finally, this round is over for now but you know that it will return. The monstrous tone, the menacing look in the eyes, the body that feels like it will strike and flatten you will come again. That you know---but not when and there is the terror. There is a dreadful unpredictability about these seizures of rage. As a result you are awaiting annihilation.  Your nervous system is on vigil, in fight or flight mode at all times, even when you are asleep. There is no inner safety, no secure place in your mind and body where you can go when this human Vesuvius erupts.

As an adult who is healing from the narcissistic parent, spouse or sibling remember that you are entitled to change the way you feel inside. You did nothing wrong. You were victimized by a highly pathological human being. None of this is your fault. You could not have nor can you now change this person.

Tell yourself each day that you are entitled to lead a life that offers you peace, security, a feeling of steadiness inside. The body/mind is prepared to heal. Be receptive to this process. You may find that excellent psychotherapy, gentle hatha yoga, forms of meditations, healing relationships, using your creative gifts, music, Nature and all of the ways that you intuit will make you whole. Gather your faith and hold it close. Do the work of healing every day. You deserve this inner peace. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers are Entitled to Heal Completely

Psychological wounds of being the child of a narcissistic mother persist in the mind and heart. Many sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers have suffered since early childhood from a combination of emotional neglect and verbal and psychological abuse. You always lived with the secret that "mom" (actually a non-mother) wasn't the person everyone believed her to be. Socially she was adept--everyone thought she was a wonderful person, always thinking about others. In public her manners were impeccable. Often these mothers create a visual image of themselves that is very attractive. They know how to schmooze and to gain peoples' trust. Some are active in community projects; others are highly trained, outstanding professionals--specialty physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, accomplished attorneys, masters of finance, etc. On the outside they are perfection. The insides that they activate with their children are nightmarish and horrifying.

Psychoanalyst Alice Miller focused much of her writings on narcissistic mothers and the negative consequences for children of these highly disturbed individuals.  She poignantly describes the young child's dilemma--how he/she is trapped in the narcissistic mother's web in Prisoners of Childhood:...a child is at the mother's disposal. A child cannot run away from her as her...A child can be so brought up that it becomes what she wants it to be. A child can be made to show respect, she can impose her own feelings on him, see herself mirrored in his love and admiration, and feel strong in his presence, but when he becomes too much she can abandon that child too a stranger. " 

Learning that you are entitled to heal from your narcissistic mother is a new beginning in your life. Being in touch with your real self--that person who is genuine, spontaneous, has humor, respects his gifts and accomplishments, shares his affection with others, is learning to be a lively child again while being a responsible adult---all of these qualities you will reclaim. To process of healing goes on throughout our lives. It is challenging. There are speed bumps and sometimes we feel like we are in reverse. But keeping our eyes on the goal of fully becoming who we were meant to be is the great beacon that moves us forward each day. Healing takes place through discipline, faith and action and the firm belief that we are entitled to heal. This is an essential part of the work. Any one who interferes with this process cannot be held close. No one will ever block the movement of your life again. You are moving with the tides, the flow of the rivers and the creative depths of our unconscious and the gift of intuition--our inner wisdom guide. Pay close attention and you will hear the messages that speak of your healing and your entitlement to it. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Narcissists--Perfect Weddings-Disastrous Marriages

Everything about the narcissist is image. For him or her image is reality, a reality based on grandiose delusions and visions of perfection. Observing the wedding plans and how they are impeccably created and executed can tell the tale to follow. It is understandable that couples want their wedding day to be very special and memorable. Here I am talking over the top perfectionism. Nothing is more important than the actual event where the narcissist plays the starring role, standing at the center of his universe, the emperor of his domain.

After the soft focus glow of the honeymoon the gorgeous masks of the narcissistic groom or bride slip and we begin to feel and see who this person we married truly is. There are pricks of criticisms that become more frequent and wounding. The other spouse waves them off, thinking: "Oh, he's just having a tough time today--no point in making a case out of this" or "I am overreacting to him/her because I know how sensitive I am. He has told me so many times." or "He is making a big adjustment to our being a married couple now. Give him a break." These thoughts run through the head of the non-narcissistic spouse--always making excuses for the narcissistic spouse even when his vituperative comments are tearing you apart day after day. Next, the always sharp fangs appear when the narcissist lets go with full throated screaming fits that last long enough to cause your nervous system to go into fight or flight mode. Your adrenaline is pumping so fast that you are shivering, have a thundering headache, roiling intestines, feelings of doom.   

Eventually the non-narcissistic spouse is worn down, beaten up emotionally, exhausted, spent and constantly on edge. The narcissist's tricks and ruses become more frequent; the lies overflow and cannot be counted; the betrayals are ongoing; his hatred of you has congealed; his pathological projections are legion. Each  attack has your name on it.

Finally, you are fed up. You do the research, go to therapy, check your intuitions that have been pounding at you for months and years and Yes---You are married to a narcissistic personality, a person without empathy, emotional intimacy, truth, conscience, a scintilla of compassion for another human being. You make your move to sever the non-relationship from this highly pathological individual. You will rescue yourself from this disastrous marriage. As you make the effort and do the hard work, the original self in you is celebrating---Freedom!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Narcissistic Spouses Activate Our Self Destructive Patterns

It is dreadful enough being married to a person who is constantly criticizing you, emotionally bludgeoning you,humiliating you in private and public, lying about his secret forays and generally causing unbearable stress and chaos in your life. What makes it worse is the way that this sadistic cruel pattern of treatment activates your old self destructive patterns of thinking, feeling and behavior. If you feel "less than" deep inside his/her attacks and onslaughts cut to the quick and you are back into your four year old skin, listening to mother screaming at the top of her lungs: "You are worthless." Why did I have you?" "You are stubborn and stupid and will never learn." And on and on. You feel these old etched words and her horrible looks viscerally as if it is happening right now. You become a frightened little child all over again. You were never enough---not pretty, bright, energetic, social, --That's what you are hearing as an adult decades later when your narcissistic spouse starts one of his chronic verbal attacks. It reinforces the misbeliefs you have about yourself.

When you can finally recognize who the narcissist is, identify him without a doubt and separate who you are from him/her, you have begun the process of healing. Now you can work with your core psychological issues. Until you make that distinction, you are left trapped in his/her toxic projections.

First, recognize that you are entitled to lead your life as an evolving human being, using all of your gifts, enjoying your own company and that of others, being independent and strong within yourself, feeling the healing grace of solitude, the excitement of learning something new and appreciating life in the moment.

You are up to this challenge. You will do the hard work of healing yourself. Some turn to psychotherapy but it must be highly skilled and the therapist must be truly empathic. Others find healing modalities like gentle yoga, tai chi, forms of meditation that work for you, finding a trusting support system and using creative gifts that are now open to you. You can win your real self back. This lovely person has been waiting to give you a hug and many blessings for a long time. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Narcissistic Mothers-in-Law and Their Narcissistic Sons Wreck Marriages

You never suspected when you met your narcissistic husband that he was a pathological disorder who was going to turn your life upside down. You fell for him immediately and didn't listen to the quiet murmurings of your intuition that said: " this man is a phony, too good to be true. He's making empty promises he will never keep. He is, beneath the smooth act, completely self absorbed, controlling and manipulative." Oh those times when we do not listen to the Oracle of Intuition.

Along with this most charming of men comes his narcissistic mother-in-law. After you have been married for a short time you notice that your husband's glorious mask has begun to slip, especially behind closed doors. You find him in a beet red rage over some very small oversight on your part. He criticizes you over nothing. You feel unsteady and confused and anxious. Where is the man whom you married? He stripped to the real him in private. In public he is a marvel of social grace--adorable, charming, impeccable manners. butter wouldn't think of melting in his mouth.  He is a deal closer par excellence, oozing with self confidence. Those who do not know the real man, adore him and would follow him through the endless dunes, barren plateaus and dry valleys of the god forsaken Sahara.

Enter the Source--His Narcissistic Mother. Those who have gone through hell week, years or decades with a narcissistic mother-in-law have horrid stories to tell of psychological battering, open disdain and rudeness, dismissive behaviors that say you don't matter or even exist. Psychological pummeling and continuing ambushes are part of the daily sadistic fare. Narcissistic mother continually uses her clever drams of poison to assure that your husband will hate you even more. This mother/son narcissistic duo cannot be broken. As hard as you try to be the perfect wife and person to your narcissistic husband, this will never work. Remember, this man was molded by his mother. If he was the golden son, he could do no wrong, had no limits or conscience, could step on any ones' toes. To the NM he was her perfect born--her magnificent creation. The psychological umbilical link between NM and NS cannot be broken.The narcissistic son has a love/hate relationship with mother that is lifelong. He hates being her possession; he despises being emasculated by her but he always returns to her no matter what. This unbroken pathological bond wrecks marriages.

If children are involved it gets more complex and ugly. The NMIL may turn your children against you secretly. Or she might ignore them completely. Her main obsession is her son, since she doesn't have a life of her own. He is the perfect mirror of her--the one she lives through and for. There she is hidden in a corner, telling outrageous lies about your character and past that she spins and feeds to him like a delicacy. Her good boy possession believes narcissistic mama. This Gordian Knot cannot be cut, even by you. After all, she was the first woman in his life.

The pathological psychological fusion between NM and NS takes precedence over your marriage. As much as he unconsciously hates her possession of him, they  remain locked together, keeping you out.

Study and learn to recognize this narcissistic dynamic and sever yourself from it to recover your own life. This can be a difficult process but it is well worth the effort to breathe your own freedom of body, mind and spirit once more--to lead a life in the full light of your self initiation, the use of your many gifts and talents and to feel a dynamic peace that you have always deserved. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Suffer Maternal Deprivation--The Void I Feel Inside

Narcissistic maternal deprivation is difficult for most people to understand because it cannot usually be seen as bruises or welts or scratches. It is both a psychological wound and a void that the daughter of a narcissistic mother feels inside herself. This pain is the absence of nurturing, of loving care, of affection, of emotional and physical closeness, of hugs never given, of sweet glances from mother to daughter and back again. These daughters never experience the loving physical, emotional and psychological presence of their mother. If mom is physically there, she is either distracted and not paying attention or she is berating her daughter, criticizing her, humiliating her, blaming her for everything that went wrong in the narcissistic mother's life. 

The child takes this upon herself and internalizes the absence of positive feelings toward her. She is neglected and because she must survive she is not capable of knowing that this is true--that she is not wanted, respected, cherished. Narcissistic mothers often push their own daughters out of their way and are envious of them. They do everything they can to create emotional chaos in their lives. Some of the most profound wounds are the absence of attention. Some narcissistic mothers are like automatons, going about their days in a frenzy of work, social activities, shopping sprees, talking with friends, arranging parties, even going on trips--leaving their daughters alone to fend for themselves. I have heard of daughters as young as five who had to find a way to take care of themselves while mother partied throughout long weekends with boyfriends. Sometimes the party is carried on in the home and the young daughter is subjected to drunken scenes where sexual activity is taking place impulsively and wildly. The young daughter is shocked by these activities. In some cases the men who are there come on to the daughter sexually and
she is terrified.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers consciously feel an emotional void inside of them. They  long for and miss what they never had. Often they cannot define it but know they are in emotional pain. Many of them seek to find the answers and to heal. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy as well as learning to nurture themselves and to become receptive to the love and warmth that they have always deserved. I speak to those daughters now and say: You are so dear and lovely--You are whole--You are loving, kind, steady and strong. I celebrate you and your lives. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Learning to Trust After the Narcissist

Erik Erikson, the great psychoanalyst, introduced what he called the Eight Ages of Man. The beginning phase he named Trust versus Mistrust. This stage takes place during the first year of life. How the child perceives himself inside as either secure and trusting of himself and his environment depends greatly on the maternal relationship. The mother communicates to her child through her attachment to him, her own trustworthiness and steadiness. As the result the baby internalizes these feelings of safety, security and of  being cherished deep inside himself. This internalization "forms the basis in the child for a sense of identity."
So many children as a result of poor or non-mothering develop a sense of mistrust from the beginning. The mothering figure was unreliable, emotionally unsteady, psychologically cold and distant, incapable of  being affectionate and emotionally intimate with her baby and young child. This is a description of the narcissistic mother. Quite often those who have been through the ordeals of growing up with a narcissistic mother are attracted to men and women who are narcissists. They are returning to a  pattern of psychological abuse, deprivation, unsteadiness, fight or flight mode, becoming again the recipient of cruel projections that are injurious to mind, psyche and body. This is what is familiar to the child who grew up with a narcissistic parent or within a narcissistic family.

The individual who survived under the ordeals of childhood with a narcissistic parent often repeats this self destructive pattern by marrying a narcissistic personality. What was left unknown and buried inside of us as children is often repeated as adults. Being married to a narcissist is a daily waking nightmare. You try to change this person and hope that his/her outrageous demands, demeaning criticisms and humiliations will come to an end but they don't and will not. You are wearing yourself out trying to be perfect in response to this individual's deep pathology. You are sacrificing yourself and your life to the narcissistic spouse. You ask yourself? Is it worth it? What is happening to my life, my state of mind, my emotional and physical health, my creative potential, my sense of security? The answer is that you have become the human object upon which all of the vituperative unconscious thoughts, feelings and impulses of the narcissistic spouse are constantly being projected on to you. This is unhealthy for you in every way. Some spouses awaken to this crisis they are in and take action by severing their relationship with this person who has taken over their lives, thoughts, emotions, feelings of hope, dreams, etc.

If you decide that you must  end your suffering by breaking this "relationship" you will change your life. This is not easy but it can be done. Your steadfastness and courage will lead the way. Your strong sense of entitlement to lead your own life will prevail. In the process of healing after the narcissist many individuals return to work out their trust issues. Some benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing paths such as gentle hatha yoga as well as forming relationships with those whom you know are understanding and supportive of your healing process. You will learn to trust people who are worthy of it. You will become skilled at recognizing the narcissistic personality and never choose him or her as a partner. You will work to become calmer inside, to appreciate the unique person you are and to use your many gifts.  You will become secure within yourself and appreciate who you were always meant to be. Visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com



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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Stop Harming Yourself--Sever the Pathological Cord to Narcissistic Spouse

When you remain married to a narcissistic personality and you have spent years psychologically dancing on hot coals for him or her, you are injuring yourself. It is not only highly unpleasant--which is a gross understatement--it is chronic misery and even torture to continue to share your life with this highly dysfunctional person who will not change. Don't let him convince you in a moment of vulnerability that the life that you share with him/her is ever going to be any different. As the years roll by, it gets tougher because you are  becoming more exhausted from the cycle of abuse, distress to your psyche, a body and mind continually in fight or flight mode. Some spouses expect to be treated this way because they never had a different life experience starting in childhood. Being treated with disdain, cruelty and deception was part of everyday reality in their family. Life at home was unpredictable, could not be counted on to be steady and warm, was filled with wrenching criticisms and created deep personal feelings of psychological unsteadiness and free floating anxiety.

After leaving the family home and being relieved that the physical tie had loosened it didn't take long for many of us to find ourselves hopelessly attracted to an individual who at first was so mesmerizing that we were reeling with excitement and runaway desire. If there is a strong sexual chemistry, the pull can be insurmountable. This is especially the case if the man or woman who will become the victim of a narcissist once again has not been able to work through narcissistic family issues and to recognize that they were abused throughout childhood and the years growing up.

We are drawn to what is familiar to us if we remain unconscious of the forces that lie below the surface of our life experience. We all have a tendency to repeat what is familiar even if it is disastrous to us. Marrying and re-marrying narcissistic spouses is a common thread that runs through the lives of many people.

For many, a series of moments accrue into an awakening---"What the hell am I doing to myself/" This man/woman doesn't give a damn about me." "He lives only for himself, lies continuously, exploits me, psychologically weakens me, baits me so that I can't think straight, makes innumerable broken promises that I have believed in the past." Finally this person awakens and realizes that the nightmare ride with the narcissist will have to stop---Now! No more of this hellish existence you say to yourself. Many victims of narcissists realize that they must stop harming themselves by severing the relationship with this person who is sucking the life out of them every moment they continue their involvement.

They gather their courage, make a firm commitment and specific plans to leave, make arrangements for a divorce, find an attorney who is up for the battle and be prepared to make the life changing transition from victim to victory of the self. This is not easy work but your emotional, psychological freedom and your physical health are worth all the effort. You will persevere and prevail. Reach out to people whom you trust and are with you for the full race and victory at the finish line and the beginning of your new life. You now know that you are entitled to the full use all of your gifts, to have access to your own thoughts and feelings without intrusion and to learn for the first time how to let down, to be at ease within your own being--body, mind and spirit. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Martyr Mother Controls through Guilt and Cunning

You would never imagine that certain mothers who appear to give up their lives for their children and minister to others could be so malicious, destructive, even evil. When these narcissistic mothers are wearing their martyr robes, they are above reproach. Their selflessness cannot be questioned. She is admired by everyone within her social circle--other family members--aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces as well. . People look up to this selfless woman whom they view as a very devoted mother. She responds: "My children are my life, my top priority." Indeed they are her focus for inflicting guilt, blame, relentless criticism and endless shame. The narcissistic mother is a master at inflicting guilt. Her children grow up convinced they are flawed, that there is something fundamentally very wrong about them and that they must obey or they will be severely punished and humiliated. These narcissistic mothers are extraordinarily cunning. Inside the home they are merciless. Their children don't have room to breathe. Mother attempts to control their minds. These children always feel guilty because they are not perfect like she is. As hard as they try, her children can never measure up to mother's perfection.  Narcissistic martyr mothers play an ugly psychological card giving their children the message that their mother's emotional and health welfare depends on their absolute obedience to her. One message is that mother could become very ill if her children do not obey her. She reminds them that what others think of them and the family is sacred. Living in this home is like being in prison on lock down. The child of the narcissistic martyr mother is confined within his own mind to believe this woman. After all, he or she must survive. When a child appears to stray from mother's strict rules of conduct and proper thinking, she punishes them by inflicting more guilt. In a cunning manner she pits one child against the next, telling the more vulnerable ones that they are not measuring up to the goodness of their siblings.

This is a very painful way to go through childhood as a psychological prisoner. Some children finally recognize that their narcissistic mother is highly disturbed and that they have been brainwashed. Some with the help of excellent professional therapy and their own personal inner work come to these realizations and begin the road back to healing their original selves--that part of them that has been waiting since the beginning to live in mental, emotional and psychological freedom, to express their feelings without fear or guilt, to use their unique creative gifts, to open themselves to the love and affection of others and to learn how to trust for the first time. This is a healing process that they will follow throughout their lives. They renew their lives each day in gratefulness, psychological freedom and the deep knowledge and appreciation of their unique authenticity. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com