Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Don't Let Narcissistic Spouse Damage Your Psychological and Physical Health

Narcissistic spouses are unrelenting in their focus of destruction upon you if you are married to one of these exceedingly cruel individuals. I hear and read innumerable stories of the narcissistic spouse's attempts to destroy the life of their spouse. I am talking about men and women who are their targets. Living with the constant flow of putrid, toxic projections by the narcissist is injurious to the victimized spouse. Day after day and as the years accumulate, the insults to the nervous system, the mind, the creative process, the hope about life itself become greater. Some spouses continue to believe that the narcissist is going to change. This is not the case---ever. Narcissistic personality is a fixed disorder that is not inclined to change. Do not wait for this to happen. You are not to blame. Pay attention to what your intuition is shouting at you--Get Out and Save Yourself So that You Can and Will Lead the Life that You Deserve.

Focus on your self healing. Take time each day to be with yourself--even for a few minutes. Listen to guided meditation, go into Nature, listen to the birds, feel the wind and sun, or the sleet and snow. Learn to to take deep slow breaths through the nose. Listen and allow great music to take you into another world where you can feel quiet and peace. Some benefit from excellent psychotherapy especially when they are making the decision to break from the narcissistic spouse. The therapist is your ally and will help you to appreciate who you are as a unique, valuable individual. Talk to a friend whom you trust and lay your burden there. Share your feelings and let yourself cry. Above all, listen to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth, always.
Know that you are a valuable, loving, talented human being who deserves a different life. This is your destiny. Visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Narcissisitic "Hollow Men" Trample Our Feelings

T.S. Eliot, the great prescient poet wrote in "The Hollow Men": We are the hollow men, We are the stuffed men, leaning together...Our dried voices, when we whisper together are...meaningless..."

Eliot intuited the ascendance of the narcissistic personality in our society. That time is now and has been coming, growing to epidemic proportions.

I am in communication with many individuals who are suffering from the rampaging of narcissistic personalities in their lives: daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers and narcissistic fathers, narcissistic siblings, those married to narcissistic spouses. Their pain is deep and continuous as long as they are in contact with and part of the narcissist's life. They are too close to an individual who is empty and "hollow" inside and who lives in a way that has no meaning, warmth, empathy or truth.

Narcissists trample on our feelings. They make every effort to destroy what is deep inside of us and gives us meaning. They often have overwhelming personalities that are forceful, manipulative and cruel. They constantly lie and exploit those closest to them.

Being the child of a narcissistic mother or father is one of the most painful fates. The narcissistic mother hates genuine feelings, even in her infant. When the child cries she ignores her/him, makes the little one feel ashamed, screams and threatens the child if he or she does not "shut up."

Those married to narcissists are continually gaslighted--told that they are crazy, especially if they express deep feelings of sadness, fear, joy, anger, etc. No feelings are allowed in this household--except for the narcissist who bubbles with constant fire hot rage. Day after day--rage after rage---the spouse takes this abuse and feels herself getting weaker. She tells herself that she needs to be more understanding, that she is the one at fault, that there is something intrinsically the matter with her. NO! That is not the case if you are married to a narcissistic personality.Yes, you are imperfect. You are the frequent recipient of the narcissist's  insidious projections that wound deeply and leave scars.

Your narcissistic sibling is the king or queen of the family--the special one chosen. There are no rules for this child from the beginning. You are treated by your parent(s) with strictness. You are often criticized and demeaned but the chosen, budding narcissist can treat you like dirt and the parent will not defend you.
God help you if you cry--that is a serious sin in this kind of family. Often the mother or father in this constellation is a narcissist. You become the scapegoat, the one everyone targets for cruel comments especially when you express feelings.

Expressing feelings --all of them is part of being an authentic human being. I don't trust anyone who is incapable of expressing feeling--genuine ones. I know that many are taught very early that showing feelings is a sign of weakness. The opposite is true. Being comfortable with our feelings is essential to evolving and growing as an individual. This doesn't mean we make out of control public displays. We learn to have good manners and to be considerate of others.

Remember that the narcissist is a Hollow Man, a dry, empty, personless being who can neither give nor receive love, compassion or empathy. This personality disorder is fixed and does not change. Hollow men are made of stone. I always look and feel into the eyes of others. I know them by the expression in their eyes and the energy that I feel from them. When we look deeply into the eyes of a narcissist we see what Eliot saw in The Hollow Men: "The eyes are not here, There are no eyes here in this valley of dying stars...."

Feel your authenticity, celebrate the real self within you that continues to evolve, learn, create and, always,
Feel. 

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Narcissistic Mothers Get Away with Their Secret Cruelties

Narcissistic mothers have always existed. Their styles fit certain eras. These days many narcissistic mothers are in highly competitive careers. I think that the rise of women to become prominent in many professions is exceedingly vital to every individual in the society. I am not talking about working women who become mothers, love their children and are very responsible raising them. I am speaking about the narcissistic mother who has her children specifically for the sake of her all important image which includes bragging rights and calculated displays of her perfect kids. Some narcissistic mothers insist on molding each child. She is like a puppet master, working the strings of her daughters and sons. She checks each one to see which she will choose to reflect and mirror her the best. The chosen child is often attractive, bright, talented in some way and athletic. This child is a standout in the family from the mother's perspective. She knows this child's destiny from the beginning. She showers this chosen one with undeserved praise and this son or daughter is given no limitations with regard to cruel behaviors toward brothers and sisters.

I have heard so many appalling life stories of children who grew up with a narcissistic mother and weren't chosen to be the star of the family. These mothers are such hypocrites. In public they know exactly how to present themselves in the mothering role. That's exactly what it is--a performance. Relatives, friends, even close ones believe that these mothers are extraordinary and that they genuinely love and care for their children.

The opposite is true. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly critical, at times physically violent and psychologically horrifying with their children. Adult children of narcissistic mothers tell stories of terrifying punishments that they received even as very small children. Often they were subjected to hours of threats, told that they should never have been born but should have been aborted. Kids were forced to clean their rooms until they were spotless. Even when the chores were perfectly done, mother didn't approve and picked the child apart, calling them names like "stupid", "ugly", "worthless", "dumb".  These names coming from a narcissistic mother were deeply embedded into the children who received this abusive treatment. As adults, children of narcissistic mothers still can hear "mother's" hateful raised voice shouting epithets at them.

Narcissistic mothers terrify their children by pitting one against the other, promising one daughter or son that he or she will be the favorite. All of this is a cruel game the narcissistic mother sadistically employs to control her children, to make them bend completely to her iron will.

These dark hidden punishments and chronic patterns of neglect are kept secret within the family. No one must ever say or even admit to himself or herself the truth about "mother." That is the seal of secrecy that feels like a matter or life or death. These children feel so trapped. They know no one will believe them--not even other relatives or family friends. That is the essence of the narcissistic mother's dark psychological and emotional treachery.

Some children of narcissistic mothers not only survive to tell  the true tale of their lives but they heal and evolve and create. I have found that these adult children are among some of the most empathic human beings I have ever encountered.

Let your healing begin. It is a long pathway. Begin by knowing and accepting the truth about what happened to you. Next--Take hold of the truth about yourself and what a wonderful, unique human being you are. Remember your special gifts and if you don't, ask that they will be revealed to you. Be receptive to your intuition as you move toward healing and wholeness. I am in your corner always. I have great faith in you. Honor your true self and you will grow with unbounded abundance and deep inner peace. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Covert Narcissistic Snakes in Tall Beautiful Green Grasses

Do not be surprised or angry with yourself if you have been fooled by a Covert Narcissist. They are among the most clever of beasts. Their image is impeccable. They can be charming in an arresting manner, unlike the grandiose narcissist who is over the top with his/her delusional visions, bombast and extreme demands of self entitlement. No, these Coverts are so slick they suck us in quietly with their pseudo authenticity. They have been practicing this and perfecting it all of their lives. This is how they survived--- by being fake but very believable. They are convinced of being genuine with their pseudo humility, truthfulness and fake empathy that feels so real.

I have found that it can take some time to identify Coverts. I have been fooled by them. I was shocked later when I realized their true natures. One man, an acquaintance, struck me as very talented, truly magnetic, even spiritual. He was very handsome to boot. He looked you straight in the eyes and you began to immediately feel that he cared deeply about you as an individual. I have had only a few direct interchanges with him. I came away at first very impressed with his "character" and "empathy." Had I been in contact with him more often, it is likely I would have seen through him sooner. I made an inquiry about finding a referral to help me with a project. He was very enthusiastic and signaled affirmatively. A bit later he adroitly pulled himself out of the matter. I registered this shift but let it go. The clincher for me came later when I discovered that he revealed his true nature. As part of an investment negotiation the CN cleverly and ruthlessly strong armed the other person involved and threatened to expose some of his personal secrets if he didn't go along with the Covert's agenda. The other person was sufficiently terrified and capitulated to this Covert's treachery.

I have permanently crossed him off my list. No avenging angel will swoop down and deliver him a mortal blow. It is very likely that he will go about unscathed---manipulating most people with his arsenal of magnetism, brightness and irresistible charm.

Those who are closely involved with covert narcissists have a very difficult time. I understand and I am sorry about the pain that you have and do endure. Never blame yourself for not recognizing the true nature of these individuals sooner. When you do, pay very close attention to what your intuitions and observations are telling you.  Remember---self care is essential.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com