Saturday, June 30, 2012

Deflecting Narcissistic Rage

Narcissists are always enraged, even when they are smiling at you. Sometimes you can feel it in the intensity of their gaze. They give you that look that goes right through you and you know that the smile is false--painted on. Narcissists smile with their mouths--not with their eyes. The eyes of the narcissist appear to have feeling but are empty. Never be surprised when the narcissist shifts his/her mood from friendly even loving to molten rage. Something deep inside has awakened the volcano and you hear the rumblings and know that yo must get out of the way ---right now.

The best way to deflect narcissistic rage is to steer clear of narcissists. That is difficult today since there are so many of them and they are increasing in numbers. Since we cannot keep away from all of them, we can learn to detach and deflect from the narcissist. The first defense is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality. Study deeply so that you understand the narcissist better than anyone else. This is enlightening and will give you power to deal with these individuals from a strong position. Practice the art of learning to relax, to enter the calm environs of the parasympathetic nervous system. Participating in gentle yoga with emphasis on nostril breathing and focusing on calming poses teaches you to focus no matter what else is happening around you. There are other healing modalities as well: meditation--walking a sitting. Acupuncture is very helpful to some individuals. Here healing begins with accessing the parasympathetic nervous system. For the first time you will learn what it feels like to be relaxed and free.
Learn to disengage yourself from the narcissist---his entire person including his rage--which is a defense against his self loathing and emotional emptiness. You will experience the narcissist as a spoiled child--raging in the darkness, creating sound and fury, signifying nothing. You will prevail. Know that about yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Narcissistic Spouses Hiding the Assets

If you are seriously thinking about divorcing your narcissistic husband/wife, don't give any indication--verbal or nonverbal that this is your intention. Narcissists are incapable of introspection or insight but they are uncanny in detecting when you are on to them and headed for divorce court. Be sure that you have made detailed plans to protect your personal assets and the part of the shared property, investments, bank accounts, etc to which you are entitled. Research and interview more than one attorney. Personal recommendations can be of great value but an individual that is effective for one person may not be successful in your situation. Make a clear appraisal. The attorney must be highly skilled in his/her field. In addition he must have a clear understanding of the character traits of the narcissistic personality. That doesn't mean he must be an expert. He needs to be very savvy about highly manipulative people who lie, have no conscience, are completely ruthless and are dirty players. Expect the opposing attorney to be very tough, chronically lie, be highly manipulative and intimidating. He/she has a charming  and go below the belt if he/she can get away with it. 

One of the most common schemes of the narcissist is to put all of the assets including properties, bank accounts, stocks in his name. I have communicated with spouses who were absolutely stunned to find out that their financial security had beenr ripped away from them years before they decided to seek a divorce. Don't put anything past the narcissist. It is strategically wise to play his role--think the way he does. How is he plotting to ruin you financially. What schemes does he have up his sleeve. Is he talking to gullible family members against you? Is he using a business partner to hold his assets (and yours) as a way of playing "I don't have anything--You can't get money out of a stone."

Once you make the decision to go ahead with the divorce, don't get pulled in the narcissist's empty promises---this is a ruse, an undertow that will pull you back down.

Form a strong support group. Seek psychotherapy if you think it will help you through the process. Be sure you choose a therapist who is not a narcissist--Yes there are some who are in this profession.

Choose healing routines--gentle yoga poses, slow stretching with the breath that is relaxing and loosens tightened muscles, spending some time outside and feel the breeze (get some natural vitamin d), listening to music you love and let it permeate you, singing or chanting spontaneously, laughing your head off with a friend just being silly----and many more that you will discover.

Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality (their numbers are growing). Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Narcissistic Mothers are the Worst--Their Children Come Last

The despicable truth about narcissistic mothers is that they don't raise their children--They give birth to them--that' it. I have had many a narcissistic mother tell me that she was bored with little children---babies and toddlers in particular. "They are so boring. Why would I want to spend time with them when I could be moving forward with my career. I have it all planned out. Babies get in your way."  My question to myself is Why the hell did you have children" Sometimes there is a whoops but that is an exception.Narcissistic mothers often plan the spacing between their children. They want one right after the other so that they can get it over with. They spend the absolute minimum amount of time on maternity leave, drop the pregnancy fat with hours of working out at the gym. Having their figures back is far more important than taking care of their infants Narcissistic "mothers" do not bond with their children and that is psychologically detrimental to an infant and baby. If they have the means they hire expensive nannies who will take over as surrogate parents for a high price. Now the narcissistic mother can brag about how much her child is learning and that she has a high pedigree nanny--and that she is going to soon reach the pinnacle of her career. She can do it all.  Really? Babies take a lot of actual time and it is not the most scintilating experience every moment taking care of them. They cry, puke, poop, scream while teething, defy you as they move toward individuation,become ill in the middle of the night and run high fevers. They often test your patience. This is all part of raising a child.

Narcissistic mothers have it very easy. They take all of the credit for having their children. They carry pictures around on their cell phones. They buy clothes for them so the kids present the perfect image. They indulge their children materially---but they do not pay real attention and attune to their children. There is no psychological attachment. This is a serious problem.

They are involved with their careers and the social swirl of work. Some of these women are traveling constantly and even if they are married their spouse is a workaholic. When you have two narcissistic parents, neither party is raising the child. The psychological damage is incalcuable and takes its toll throughout the child's life. Narcissistic mothers see their children infrequently. When they get home the child is already in bed. In the morning mother has already left and the child is left with a baby sitter or nanny.

Some mothers have to put their children in childcare when the baby is very young.This is necessary because they have to work and there are no family members who can take care of them. These mothers love and are very devoted to their children. Bless them--they are doing the best job they can under very difficult circumstances.

I have come across too many narcissistic mothers--past and present. It is tragic for their children. Many of these children turn out to be incredibly empathic human beings. i have seen this often. They deserve tremendous credit. They are caring, kind human beings--always thinking of others.

To learn about every facet of the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, June 25, 2012

Narcissistic New Age Teachers--Psychologically dangerous

Those in emotional and psychological crises are desperate to ease their pain. They feel abandoned, lack energy and motivation, can't sleep at night, are constantly ruminating about their failed relationships and losses.

Many of those who are struggling reach out to purveyors of the philosophies of the New Age.  These starts of the various "awareness" movements are tremendous entertainers and masterful actors. A large number of them are narcissistic personality disorders who are not at all interested in helping to ease the pain or life circumstances of another. They are driven  to make large amounts of money, to gain tremendous fame and to be sought after all over the world for their "words of wisdom and truth." There is a plethora of narcissistic teachers who are doing this and have become very successful at the game. They fool even the most sophisticated. They magnetize indivdiuals to them personally and sell their non-ending high priced programs, retreats, seminars, classes, etc. They keep people on the string until they run out of money. Then they seek new victims to whom they can impart the truth. Some narcissistic teachers are well educated and exceedlingly smooth at their game. Watch them perform---they are so smooth--you feel their vibration--It is powerful. They tell you that you can change in an instant and do anything you choose NOW. That is one of the key words that they use.

Always follow the money and look at the private lives of these narcissistic vipers. They are greedy and they keep bringing people back into their circle. The more desperate you are the better it is for them. They don't give a damn about you. Another foolish person will come along and join their parade.

To protect yourself, read about the narcissistic personality in-depth and remember, if it's too good to be true it is often rotten at the core. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, June 22, 2012

Going No Contact with Narcissistic Boyfriend

You fell in love with him because you couldn't say no to yourself. He was handsome, had an air of total confidence; he was very successful and bright and he had turned his attention to you--only you. Narcissists know how to woo and seduce--they are masters of the chase. They don't take no for an answer and they plan just how they are going to get you into their lives. Their gaze is penetrating. They are listening to you so intently you can feel the pulses in your temples. They tempt you in every way--gifts, special treatment, magnificent dinners.  You feel their allure like a physical force that cannot be resisted. You want them. You try to bring yourself back but it is very difficult. In the early stages it is great living fantasy..  You are high on the sexual chemistry between the two of you. He wants to possess you and knows all the right moves.

There comes a time when the magic lifts. There are too many flare ups of his temper for no reason. He picks away at you for the tiniest reason. He criticizes how you look. He starts to demean your background and education. His eye starts appraising other women in your presence. You are still in his thrall and make up every excuse you can to stay with him. There is a short honeymoon period followed by an ugly scene. He becomes dismissive and takes you for granted. The rages begin and scare you. You go through several of these cycles and decide that you have to get off of this merry go round. You find out that he is involved with several women and that this has been his pattern for years. You are very hurt. You trusted him (You can never trust narcissists--They lie, cheat, steal the lives of others for their own gain and narcissistic supply).

Many women stay with the narcissistic man for long periods of time despite the horrendous stress, psychological and emotional pain that they cause. Others are fortunate to come across information about this severe personality disorder and decide to leave them for their own good. Those who leave and go no contact often have a difficult time Excellent psychotherapy (be sure to do your research and interview several) can help you to make the final break and sever the relationship and have no further contact with the narcissist of any kind. This is a tremendous challenge but can be done. There are many successful life stories of women who have freed themselves of a narcissistic partner.  They move forward to free their creative energies, to move toward becoming the person they were meant to be and to increase the power and depth of their awareness. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi,Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Don't Get Back on Narcissist's Dangerous Ride

When you live with or are married to a narcissist you are in psychological danger. Once you have recognized who this person really is--a pernicious, totally selfish, often vicious and vengeful human being--make your exit.  Previous spouses and partners of narcissists are often drawn back into the narcissist's lair with promises of having everything they want. A narcissist knows how to "apologize" and make up. He offers you the most tempting rewards.  He says that he has changed and learned from his mistakes. This is his run of lies that sound so appealing---He took you for granted. He cheated on you and now says he was a bad person. He adeptly puts on  his humble act. That's what this is ----Acting- Method acting in its highest form. He wants you back as one of his narcissistic supplies. You are an integral part of his image (which is his reality). You may have other assets that he covets--social and business connections, high professional standing. He knows that he can fool you again. Don't fall for the "changed man" "I saw the Light" routine.

Narcissists are fixed personality disorders that do not change. They are etched in early childhood. Many of these men are golden boys who learned by the age of five that they were perfect and superior and that they could use and abuse anyone to get to their goal.

You hear the familiar words, the music begins---Don't grant the narcissist another dance!!!!!
Create your own production. Get the professional help you may need. Surround yourself with a small cohesive support system. Pay attention to your intuition. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit.
You will recover and prevail. Study the features of the narcissistic personality. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

My Narcissistic Sister Hates Me-Part II

This is the second part of the post about narcissistic sisters and the extraordinary cruelties and treacheries they endure. Even as small children the narcissistic sister may even try to smother the little one. They hit, spit on, pinch her making sure they don't leave any marks. 

The meanness and deception starts very early. One scenario is that  the narcissistic sister is the golden, chosen one picked by the mother to be her perfect child. She is mother's echo. Mother worships her and molds her into a perfect replica of herself. Mother is so obsessed with this child that she puts no limits on her. She can perpetrate any physical or emotional cruelty on the other children without consequences. The father is psychologically dependent on the mother---He's a baby in a grown up  body. 

The narcissistic matriarch tyrannically runs the entire family including in-laws, nieces, her own mother. Everyone is intimidated by her. She is masterful at the charm offensive. Her many masks are grandly displayed and highly convincing. Most people believe that she has a very fine character. This is all a lie.

When the front door is firmly shut, the narcissistic mother is a seething Medusa--deadly venomous snakes writhing on her head. Each dancing snake is coiled -- ready to spew deadly venom. This is the traumatic experience of the unfavored daughter of the NM and the narcissistic sister.

The sister who is victimized by her narcissistic sister learns how to hide--at times literally. I have known children who found a hiding place under their houses. They learned to keep very quiet for hours to avoid confrontation. These sisters live in constant fear. When mother is out the narcissistic sister pounces. Sometimes she invites her cruel friends to join in on the attack. The narcissistic sister tells her little sibling that if she says anything to anyone about the cruel games they have played on her---she will be sent away and will never come back to her family. Young children believe this kind of lie and experience a deeper terror.

Narcissistic sisters do hate their siblings. They are constantly projecting the toxic contents of their unconscious on to those who have no power over them. They are bullies without conscience or limits. When the impulse rises in them to strike out, they do, without a second thought.

Siblings who are treated with this mortal form of cruelty and sadism often find a way to leave the home very early. Some of them literally leave with a small suitcase and a little cash and seek out friends they can stay with. Anything is better than this day and night relentless torture.

These daughters live to tell the tale, work to heal themselves and develop their creative gifts. They find friends who appreciate their unique compassion and genuineness.  These sisters replace the hatred reaped upon them with love and compassion for those who enter their lives. Many of them benefit from excellent psychotherapy, practice of healing the body/mind--gentle hatha yoga, cardiovascular exercise (what works for you) and making full use of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com





Monday, June 18, 2012

My Narcissistic Sister Hates Me

I hear this comment quite often from those who go through the torment and cruelty of having a narcissistic sister. From the time they were very young they knew that their older or younger sister detested them and wished they had never been born. Often there is sibling rivalry.One child gets the other in trouble or tells small lies to gain favor with a parent. There are verbal skirmishes, often caused by large difference in temperament and disposition of the siblings.

Here I am talking about a pernicious type of deviousness and cruelty that a narcissistic sister uses to terrorize her sibling. There are constant threats and continuoius lies. "I will tell mom what you did and you will get in big trouble. Mom will throw you out of the house." These threats are based on lies that the narcissist has conjured up. Narcissistic rage bubbles and spurts out like a Vesuvian plume of fire and ash, promising to pulverize and burn everything in its wake. The tormented child protects herself by becoming hyper-vigilant. She has trouble falling asleep. She never knows when a trap is going to be set for her. If the mother is narcisssitic and favors the narcissistic daughter, this little one is confronted with horrendous cruelties. Mom always believes her golden daughter. She can do no wrong. The victimized daughter can do nothing right. She tries her best and it is never enough. The narcissistic daughter takes all of the credit for her siblings accomplishments. This becomes intolerable. Victimized sisters protect themselves by becoming invisible. They are not home much of the time. They visit friends as often as they can. They get lost in books

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Release Yourself from Haunting Power of Narcissistic Mother

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult life experiences. From the time you were born, you could not be properly nurtured and cherished because your mother was a narcissist. Her touch was rough, insensitive or non-existent. Some narcissistic mothers are unable to hold their babies and only give them a quick bottle that is propped up. There is no contact or it it brusque, brisk and without any positive emotion. In fact some narcissistic mothers resent their daughters so much they can bearable stand to look at them. When they do it is an expression of disdain and anger that the little daughter sees on her mother's face. "Mama doesn't love me." This is the loud message that many daughters have imprinted on their consciousness very early. If the father is capable of affection and emotional connection this can be the saving grace---And a grandparent or aunt can make all of the difference. In some cases an older sibling is the person who mothers this child. For some there is no one in the family and I have discovered some daughters who have literally raised themselves. This is truly remarkable but not without the psychological wounds that are unseen on the outside but cause deep psychic pain in the inside.

Narcissistic mothers haunt their daughters. These daughters often question themselves and even blame themselves for a lack of maternal love. This is due to the earliest imprinting of maternal deprivation and psychological abuse. Some daughters go on to marry narcissistic men and the cycle of repetition continues. When we grow up with this level of pathology--that is our reality. We needed to do what was necessary to survive--Never blame yourself for that--ever! Be grateful for the dear child who moment by moment, week by week, year by year--was determined to survive. That is an incredible achievement.

Some daughters remain under the thumb of the narcissistic mother terror. They are fused with her. They love her and hate her simultaneously. This pattern can be very powerful. However, it does not have to remain in place.

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers finally recognize that their mother is a person who suffers from serious psychopathology that will not change. They make the break with the narcissistic mother. They recognize that they were given a life and are entitled to lead it according to their own unique natures, to use their creative gifts, to find deep peace inside, to give and receive love. Many of these daughters find help an change working with an excellent therapist. (Make sure you don't choose a narcissistic psychotherapist who has a money motive at the top of her/his list).

There are many healing paths that will appeal to you. Find the ones that work for you alone. Gentle hath yoga with its emphasis on the breath through the nose is very calming. It expands our consciousness and has an impact on bringing the nervous system into balance. Journaling for many is a way of putting your spontaneous feelings and thoughts on the page without editing. Different forms of artistic expression are very freeing and creative. Exercise your way and find that you become physically stronger, steadier and more emotionally balanced. Develop a relationship(s) with what I call the 2 am friend--someone you can call when you are feeling down or scared or indecisive. These loving people can make all of the difference in our lives.
Meditation in a form that works for you --walking, sitting, solitude in any activity where you will not be interrupted is also a way of quieting the mind and nervous system.

For those who have deceased narcissistic mothers-- learn how to put her to rest in your mind and heart. This can be part of a grieving process for a woman who was a non-mother. It is a grieving for the mother you never had and this is so sad it makes you cry. Crying is a way of releasing psychological and emotional pain and saying goodbye to the mother we never had. This can be done and it is a journey---a journey to the real self. I hear from daughters of narcissistic mothers who are in the process of healing. This is very encouraging and true. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, June 15, 2012

Release Yourself from Haunting Power of Narcissistic Mother

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers have a very difficult time freeing themselves from the psychological grip of their deceased mothers.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I Was Fooled by a Narcissistic Spiritual Teacher

Anyone can fall under the spell of a highly skilled covert narcissist. This is what happened to me. I became very interested in the meditation process and wanted to learn about it directly after reading a number of books on the subject. I did the research and discovered that there was a highly trained meditation teacher who was recommended as one of the best in her field. I read about her credentials and years of experience. She offered weekly group meditations for a fair fee.

I met Debra and was very impressed by her depth of knowledge, her deep attention to the needs of each student, her kind, empathic manner and excellent teaching skills.

Debra had been meditating for decades and developed a strong consistent practice. In class she gave each student her complete attention. I learned a great deal from her about the mediation process. Several years later I returned to participate in another meditation group. This time I noticed that Debra and everything about her organization had changed. The class rates had skyrocketed. Debra was very short with the participants. She was more concerned about signing up individuals for meditation teacher training than she was with giving a good class. Debra was frenetic---on a high about all of her success. Unlike the earlier experience, I could hear her counting the money she would be making through her surrogate teachers who were on a very low salary and the exorbitant price of her teacher training that had tripled in two years. The meditation teacher training had been cut down to six weeks and the price was in the thousands. The number of hours Debra spent with her students was greatly reduced. Most of the learning was done at home so that Debra could have a number of trainings going on simultaneously.

Debra was restless. I got a strong feeling that she was just going through the motions in teaching her classes. Out of class she now spoke about her material possessions--new clothing she had purchased, trips she had taken, properties that she was buying. It was as if Debra had become a different person in the two years since I had seen her. I had no interest in using her as a meditation teacher.

I had believed that Debra was genuine and empathic and disinterested in accumulating large sums of money at the expense of her students. Debra was now quite grandiose--she had adoring followers who ran behind her like baby ducklings. The prices of her classes were outrageously high. Her charge for personal one on one session was astronomical. Her manner now was brisk, her attention span short and her capacity to listen to the problems of those who had come to learn and become calmer and more centered was non-existent. Debra is a late blooming narcissist.which is unusual. I remembered her background, growing up in a family of many siblings who had very little from their work weary parents. There was no money. The family scraped around to get just the necessities. Debra never bonded with her mother or her father. She had a maternally deprived childhood and an absent father. In the middle of the pack of children Debra didn't shine as a young child. After she left home she began to train in meditation and discovered this was her calling. However, she never dealt with the external or internal deprivations inside of herself. When she began to reach professional success, she changed into a seeker of material things and having an image of a spiritual teacher rather than being one. 

I had met the false self covert narcissist on a lifelong spiritual quest. I believed she was genuine. This was the elaborate convincing seamless mask that she wore. That's how convincing these narcissists can be. From a two year distance I could now perceive that I was meeting the real Debra---a narcissistic personality, obsessed with making money, buying clothes, having a coterie of students falling on her every word and move.

This was an invaluable experience that taught me that regardless of your training or perceptions of the moment, that you can be fooled by the narcissist's pseudo spirituality, fake empathy and inverted humility that is part of the external image of piety and spirituality.

Never blame yourself for not recognizing a skilled narcissist. Learn from you experience and continue to move forward. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Narcissistic Husband---Eating You Alive Psychologically

You never asked to be married to a person who turned out to be a psychological beast. In the beginning it was all so romantic. You knew this was the person with whom you were going to spend the rest of your life. This man knew you (that's what you believed) and was the one you had been searching for. In some cases women who are particularly vulnerable to this kind of man are the daughters of narcissistic mothers. They are now unconsciously repeating this pattern.

The narcissistic mask of your new husband begins to slip with his picking away at your lack of perfection. He is pointing out your mistakes even if they are his. Narcissists believe that they are perfect. Everyone else is flawed. The narcissist is very vocal on this subject. The picking gets deeper and uglier, punctuated by volcanic narcissistic rages that can go on for hours. Narcissists have tremendous stamina when they are on an offensive attack. They  love to fight dirty. They know when you are emotionally vulnerable and go for the jugular. Some spouses take all of the blame and burden and put this on themselves. Some become physically ill from the stress that their bodies can no longer endure--they can't sleep, eat properly or even have one quiet thought. The narcissist is eating them alive psychologically.

Do you want to stay married to a person who is ripping you apart piece by piece? This is ultimately your decision. But that is the question. Narcissists are fixed personality disorders who do not change. They don't mellow with age.

Some spouses have had enough and prepare for the process of divorce. They do their homework, make sure they have a highly informed attorney who understands the level of ruthlessness, deception and  manipulation that these people will go to in a divorce situation. Never underestimate their cunning and vituperativeness.
Learn to take good care of yourself. Study everything you can about the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Covert Narcissists--Holier Than Thou Kind

Covert narcissists attire themselves in different camouflages. They are your psychological enemy if you marry them. Despite their pseudo humility or even fake holiness, inside they are narcissistic personalities. They method act the empathy superbly. They give you all of their attention and more when they are actively chasing you or want what you have. One of the most difficult CN's to recognize is the "saintly" one. (Those who are seeking God or trying to be better human beings through spiritual teachings are completely exempt from this post).

Many of the holy CN's are brainwashed and insist that you are a sinner. If they are your relatives this becomes intolerable. They tell you that you are going to hell if you don't believe the way they do. You are looked down upon. Holy covert narcissists know what is best for your soul. They never stop trying to save you. They riddle you with guilt. Growing up in a family of saintly CN's is particularly challenging. Children often feel guilty that they cannot come up to the moral level of their relatives.

Be sure you don't marry one of these pretenders. Highly spiritual people are nonjudgmental. They tend to their own souls and have compassion for you as a person. They wish you well and have respect for you, even if you are an atheist.

To protect yourself from entanglements with covert narcissists, study their personality structures deeply. Know what makes them tick and be aware of all of the costumes that they wear to fool you. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Children of Narcissistic Mothers--Heal and Evolve

We are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother. This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother  is a narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never was.

This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being---an invaluable one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth again--Your special imprint will never appear again past, present, future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original self--the person you were meant to be.

Healing often begins with grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs, constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn't ask to be the child of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the "relationship" with this non mother. Other members of the family may object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS --MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO HEAL.

Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.

There are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your creativity. If you draw and paint, do this--Start a healing art book. Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am honored by their presence in the world.
Keep evolving--there are no limits---keep loving--Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.
You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph..D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@the narcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Claim Your Own Life--Goodbye to Your Narcissistic Mother

Each person on the face of the earth deserves to claim and lead his/her own life. We have a mother who gave birth to us and we have her DNA.  But she doesn't own us for the rest of our lives whether she is now living or long past dead. Many children of narcissistic mothers carry the emotional pain of the childhoods and adulthoods along with them every day and for some every waking moment. It is difficult for most people to understand the depth and pervasiveness of this pain. It intrudes on the thoughts of the narcissistic mother's victims. It enters their dreams. It can affect their decision of a marital partner. (Some children of narcissistic mothers marry narcissists) It is a factor in blocking creativity. It hounds their thinking processes---Who was my mother? Did she want me? Why was she so cold? Why did she scare me? Why did mother not love me? What did I do to disappoint her? I wasn't good enough for her. What could have I done so she would have loved me? These questions haunt children of narcissistic mothers. We are with the narcissistic non-mother from the beginning. We are tiny infants and small children who have to survive. Some children sever the non-existent emotional bond very early and are able to use their own thought processes and psychological strength and temperament to separate out from this destructive parent. Others maintain the psychological contact with this toxic mother and obey and are compliant with her. This is the message to them of how to survive.

No matter how you survived there comes a time when you recognize that you must dis-identify from this non-mother. She is crowding out your internal life with yourself and intruding on your life decisions. There comes a time to say goodbye. This is different for each individual. Many children of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy. It is well worth taking the time to find a very good one. There are other ways to separate from the narcissistic mother. First, take good care of yourself: your physical health, your daily routines. If you think it would be healing for you, learn to practice simple yoga with the emphasis on the breath that open up the parasympathetic nervous system and deep relaxation. Meditation in the form that works for you can be very empowering. Writing spontaneously gives you a freedom to experience the thoughts, feelings and inspirations that are inside of you and have nothing to do with your parents of origin. Write in freedom without judgment. Having a caring reliable support system is a powerful way to make the separation from a chaotic narcissistic parent and childhood.

Pay close attention to your intuition as you heal from your narcissistic mother and always. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, June 1, 2012

Narcissist is Loyal to No One---Except Himself

"The narcissist is incapable of either personal or professional loyalty. His life is devoid of true intimacy or love. "  (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).  Narcissists don't form genuine relationships. They create alliances with those who will fulfill their grandiose visions. Surprisingly, most people are fooled by highly skilled brilliantly acted narcissistic performances. When the narcissist is at center stage he/she evokes great emotion from his audience. They are inspired by him. They believe everything he says and what he promises he will do for them. A narcissist looks you right in the eyes and tells you that you are the brightest, most attractive and fascinating person  he has ever met.

If you feel a strong sexual attraction---watch out. But you won't if you don't know that this man is a narcissist. These individuals are masters of seduction. They are artful with the nonverbals---the glances that go right through you. There is a powerful dynamic with the gifted narcissist. It is very difficult to say "no" to him. You have the impression that he has fallen for you quickly. You are shocked, especially if he is highly attractive, mesmerizing and irresistible. While you are off balance psychologically from this rush of pleasure the narcissist has been planning what he is going to do with you. Are you a one night stand, a dalliance, a long term affair or spouse material?  If you can provide him with high level narcissistic supplies---business and social connections that will elevate him in the pecking order, it is likely that you will play a quality supporting role in his life---at least for a while. Those who marry narcissists eventually run afoul of the Mr. Hyde personality--the one that works on your last nerve, screams at the top of his lungs, tortures you with his cruel words and constant humiliations and threats. First you blame yourself. Some spouses continue to do this throughout the marriage. They become exhausted, depressed even physically ill.

There is a time certain when the narcissist will discard you. You will not know the time--You may feel it coming but often it is a cruel surprise. In the end you were completely dispensable. The narcissist was never loyal to you---even while you were married. It is likely that he cheated on you.

These personalities are incapable of genuine feelings--love and empathy in particular. To protect yourself from the narcissistic personality, learn about every facet of this character disorder. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com