Thursday, December 29, 2011

Narcissists--Screaming at You When You are Right

You are asked by your spouse to help with the taxes. The entire job has been placed on your shoulders and your narcissistic husband does none of the tedious work. Day and night he hounds you to get it done so that the work can be mailed out in time. He looks over your shoulder and makes critical remarks. You are nervous but do your very best. When you have finished, he reviews the tax return with a microscope. He starts screaming; he has found a mistake. Actually there is no error---he was not looking at your notation correctly. He goes into a tirade even though you are correct and he is wrong. This happens all of the time with narcissistic spouses and narcissists in general. They are always right especially when they are very wrong.

They turn up the volume and assume that will intimidate you, that the truth will be reversed in their favor. Living with one of these characters is extremely stressful. I have know spouses who literally threw up after some of these ugly scenes which are repeated throughout the marriage. Narcissistic spouses are bullies. They are marauding thugs who take your peace away, crowd your thoughts so that you become confused, wipe out your adrenal glands, put your nervous system on crisis mood. There are many spouses who will never leave this prison of horrors. There are a growing number who now recognize the specific traits of the narcissistic personality disorder, know that this individual is never going to change and make the decision to sever the marriage and move forward with their lives. In doing this they rescue their children psychologically from living each day with a parent who can't love them, who is completely self absorbed, selfish and cruel.

Take time to research the narcissist in all of his/her facets---their tricks, plots, schemes, vulnerabilities, treacheries. You will be able to spot them quickly and save yourself a lot of pain. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:
Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist's Money Lust

We all have some lust in our hearts--for gorgeous clothes, sex, delicious food, exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money lust. They are thinking about how much money they have, how  to get more of it, how to keep it away from others,  whom to manipulate to get more, including family members to take theirs. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, affection---for being authentic and human. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist's constant goal. Thoughts about obtain more money never leave this person's mind. Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled, superior to others, like a winner. Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not "made it." It isn't knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight they are seeking. It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal---being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money lust. One of the common scenarios is for one of the siblings, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth, to become the confidante, the favored trusted one. This is done over many years and is well plotted. Slowly and surely this siblings becomes the executor of the parent's sizable will, convinces the mother or father to bestow upon them the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minuscule portion of the total).  The narcissistic money luster puts tremendous pressure on his parent if that is necessary to seal the deal for himself. He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent to be gone so that he can carry away the entire estate and leave the scene to lead a life of pleasure and comfort. These greedy narcissistic siblings often abandon their own children and of course their spouses to move on to a life of luxury. They never look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind. They don't worry about others. They have gotten what they have wanted all of their lives. After they are making use of the inheritance, they still feel the money lust deep inside their bones and pursue other unethical and often illegal ventures to trick others into forming romantic relationships that will lead to their psychological and monetary control of another victim. The will to have more never diminishes. The narcissist will never stop victimizing others, disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, causing them unbearable distress and worry.

Learning about the narcissistic personality provides you with the insight to recognize these money vultures quickly. You will sense their vileness, like a noxious odor in the air. You will know what they are after---your financial resources, your social connections to people of means. They cannot play on your vulnerabilities because you know who they are at their rotten core. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, December 26, 2011

Covert Narcissists--Wearing the Martyr's Mask

There is a special kind of covert narcissist who plays  the martyr role so convincingly that most people  believe he is an individual of extraordinary integrity, even holy. There is always the implication that this person is special because of his extreme self sacrifice for others. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is part of the covert narcissist's well rehearsed performance and an excellent way of being seen as a very fine human being. I have been in communication with victims of covert narcissists who tell similar stories. Their spouse is looked up to by others as someone who always thinks of others before himself. This is the public persona. He is known for his good deeds through a church or organization that helps those in need. (There are people of truly fine characters who are not narcissists who devote themselves to those who are suffering or need special help or care. I am not speaking about this here.)  The martyred covert narcissist makes sure that he/she is seen as indispensable in this role. Members of his group provide him with the narcissistic supply of adulation. I have heard a number of times that these narcissists will abandon their responsibilities to their families in order to perform their "duties" .

Of course when the covert narcissist is unseen by others and inside the privacy of his home---everything changes: his facial expressions, the tone of his voice, his attitude. He is demanding, demeaning, cruel, verbally abusive and is a master at imposing guilt on family members. He accuses them of being selfish and lazy. He doesn't want anyone to have a good time. Even laughter and levity are forbidden. Wives and children get the brunt of this upside down version of "goodness." Once this mask is removed the psychological ugliness is fully exposed and activated.

No one believes the spouses and children who live with covert narcissists and how abusive and disturbed they truly are. At home they are accusatory, blaming, have fits of fury and are often menacing if unobeyed.  Some spouses decide that they can no longer tolerate this dreadful charade and sever this non-relationship for themselves and their children. This is not easy  because the covert martyr narcissist has made a tremendous reputation for himself and many who follow him believe that there is something seriously wrong with a spouse who would leave such a "good person."

What matters is the truth and the quality of your life. If others don't believe you, they are deluded. Take the reins in your hands. Truth is powerful. You are entitled to lead a life that is genuine and unobstructed by verbal abuse, toxic projections and false accusations. You deserve inner peace and your continued growth as an individual on every level. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, December 23, 2011

Narcissists---Their Bottomless Well of Emptiness

"In narcissistic personalities the experience of emptiness is most intense and almost constant..." (Otto Kernberg, Md. clinical expert on the narcissistic personality).  "The narcissist's experience of emotional emptiness is beyond sadness.  It is a severe and intractable wounding, a pain...savage and deep. The psychological (inner) landscape of the narcissist is bleak." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). This is the narcissist's unconscious experience of himself. He or she is unaware of this condition.  As a result the narcissist is a very restless human being, always surveying his external environment for narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, self indulgence, the company of highly attractive men and women, sexual escapes, the pursuit of material possessions, seeking raw power to control others, manipulation of those whom they experience as competitors.

"The successful narcissist creates an intricate system of positive feedback in the form of friends, associates, partners, spouses---who perpetually fulfill his endless needs." (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The narcissist is incapable of having a real relationship with another person. He doesn't have a relationship with himself. Everything in his life is externalized and the most prized possession of all is the elaborate golden image that he creates and perpetuates all of his life.

Beneath the surface, in the unconscious, molten rage is bubbling. This fury is projected on to to others, especially spouses, children, family members, business associates, etc. The narcissist cannot perceive that this rage is completely inappropriate and harmful to others. He simply spits it out or vomits it forth in a projectile that is highly disturbing and hurtful to its recipients. This is the narcissist's extreme self loathing in action. The narcissist cannot own any of these unconscious feelings and therefore they are ejected out on to his victims.

When you learn about the dynamics of the narcissistic personality, you have gained knowledge and power. Now you understand what makes them tick, why they react with such venom and why they are constantly searching for narcissistic supplies to fill up the bottomless pit of their psychological emptiness. Learn to detach from the narcissist. Keep your physical distance (if possible since they are very unpleasant to say the least) and maintain your psychological distance. You command respect and the recognition that you are a separate human being. who insists on being treated with dignity and courtesy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Children of Narcissistic Parents---Empathic

After all of the various "hells" connected with their up-bring, children of narcissistic parent(s) are often very empathic. They have suffered so much under the dominance of a grandiose false self, self absorbed, emotionally unavailable narcissistic parent. Yet---Surprise--They are capable of understanding on a deep emotional level what another human being is suffering. They can put themselves in this individual's place. I have seen this so many times in emails, by direct contact, in their writings, etc. Many of these children were able to make a clear discernment of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Some were fortunate to have access to the non-narcissistic mother or father who gave them the love and affection they needed and deserved. However, there are instances in which both parents were narcissists. This is truly remarkable and commendable. These children fought all the way to maintain their individuality, their capacity for compassion, the ability to see through the delusion of the narcissistic parent and the vow that they would not travel the narcissistic road. We take heart and hope in these living examples of kind, empathic, psychologically grounded human beings. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Depth of Narcissistic Abuse is Devastating

Victims of narcissistic abuse--spouses, children, siblings--so often feel that they are not being heard despite all they have suffered over many years. I often read and hear the refrain: "They don't get it." They are saying that other people even in their own families do  not understand the depth and malevolent cruelties that have been perpetrated on to them. When the narcissistic mother, father, sister, brother, in-law is in a public venue, even in the family home, he is acting like a prince--very well mannered, at your service, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. This is the external burnished image that the false self narcissist has perfected. Most people believe that this is the real person. It is definitely not. Behind closed doors when others are not watching, the real monstrous aspects of the core of this personality disorder are revealed. They are horrendous--screaming fits that never stop, intimadations and accusations that set your ears rings, humiliations that make you want to hide in a corner and never leave, threats that are believably horrific "I will leave you with nothing; you will end up on the street. I will ruin you professionally and personally. I am just the person who can and will do this to you." Hearing this and sustaining these bombardments every day is intolerable to the victim.

Never underestimate the psychological, emotional and financial damage a narcissist will do. If you continue to take this abuse, remind yourself that it is wearing you down, that you don't deserve it, that the image of a "perfect family" doesn't mean anything next to the truth----You are being victimized by a seriously disturbed narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to put yourself and your welfare (and that of your children if you have them) first. You can separate and break free from the narcissist. Many benefit from quality psychotherapy. Make sure that you choose someone who is clinically highly qualified and empathic. Find a few friends you can count on. Make your plans in advance and keep them confidential as to how you will sever this non-marriage or non-partnership or non-familial relationship. You can become whole again. The creative, evolving part of you has been waiting a long time for you to say "Yes" to freedom. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Protect Yourself from Narcissistic In-Laws during the Holidays and Always

Holidays with relatives can be challenging to say the least, especially if they are narcissists. Narcissists don't change because there is a special occasion. They may put on their elaborate mask for a while but don't be surprised if they attempt to jab your psychological ribs before the event is over. One of the most important tactics is to never be alone with a narcissistic in-law for a moment. Make sure that a friend or relative whom you trust is with you.Narcissists release their most onerous psychological projections when you are alone with them face to face.

At  many events it is possible to greet the narcissist politely and then move on to visit the other guests. Do not let them engage you in conversation. Keeping an ample physical distance from the narcissist is one of the keys to avoiding any interchanges with your narcissistic in-laws. Before you leave for the party remind yourself that you are in charge of your actions, that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration by everyone.
There are family constellations in which narcissistic in-laws are so toxic to other family members, including you. that you might seriously consider not attending the event. I have heard many stories of very ugly scenes that have occurred as a result of vituperative interchanges by narcissistic in-laws and other family members. Narcissists think nothing of disrupting and spoiling a special family event. They are absolutely shameless about their behavior. Some narcissists are concerned enough about their image that they will pull their punches and decide to behave. However, still avoid close contact with them. They have a way of getting spitting out barbs, put downs and sarcastic remarks very quickly that are very wounding. Remember you don't deserve this kind of abusive treatment by anyone. Remind yourself that this in-law has a severe personality disorder, that he or she is constantly projecting the noxious contents of his or her unconscious on to others. These putrid volleys have nothing to do with you. They are psychological toxins that have nothing to do with you.

Researching the narcissistic personality disorder gives you the power to know exactly who they are. This knowledge gives you power. Healthy self entitlement and self respect should be your continuous companions.
To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Don't Let Narcissistic Mother Suck the Life Out of You

Narcissistic mothers are psychologically empty. They have nothing to give. They are consummate takers and spoilers. They sustain themselves by picking away at the lives of others, especially their children. It is tragic that this person is a narcissist and even more horrendous that you are her child. Deep inside, in the the unconscious they hate themselves. Unfortunately their deep self loathing is projected on to their children. They are known to select certain individual children who will get the worst treatment. Often it is due to the narcissistic mother's pernicious envy. If you are a bright, attractive, lively little child, these predatory mothers are jealous of your individual personality qualities. They cannot compete with you but since they are the adult parent, they will do everything to control you, including unwarranted punishing and imposing fear and dread at every turn. These mothers are constantly demeaning their children, telling them they are stupid, ugly, incapable of doing well in school---and the list of put downs is endless. Narcissistic mothers are queens of projected negativity. They are like vampires---sucking the psychological life out of you. Some children of these mothers sadly, are too frightened to hold on to themselves and become mother's willing servants. Mother's brainwashing techniques have worked on these victims. Some of them spend their lives trying to please mother, to get love out of a stone, beg to be accepted by someone who has no empathy or compassion, only psychological darkness. Other children in the same family are able to protect themselves by observing very early that there is something radically wrong with this parent. They have separated enough from this poisonous narcissistic mother to avoid psychological annihilation. They refuse to be brainwashed. They preserve vital parts of themselves that are very much alive and that sustain them as they grow up. They suffer terribly under these conditions of siege but they have kept themselves together. Children who have saved themselves take refuge in the use of the their imaginations, the search for knowledge, their acquaintance with other adults who nurture them---grandparents, aunts, mothers of their friends. These survivors learn how to walk this tightrope; they become good at preserving the unique gifts they have been given and growing to become strong and separate from the non-mothering figure.

As an adult of a narcissistic mother who is still involved in this war, learn everything you can about the true nature of narcissistic personalities. Remember they do not change; they are fixed. You deserve to heal and to remove yourself from this highly negative vortex. You may be the biological son or daughter of a narcissistic mother but first you are a unique individual. Remind yourself of this truth. You are entitled to use all of your many creative gifts and energies, to activate your potential to the maximum and to feel the fullness of life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, December 18, 2011

You Have Free Will Dealing with a Narcissistic Relative

On the outside the narcissistic family appears idyllic. Photographs show happy faces, eyes bright, smiles that reveal shining white teeth. This family photo represents much of the narcissist's identity. As a child you at first believed the family story (or fairytale). You had to---You were too young and emotionally dependent to think or feel any other way. It is surprising how early some children realize that their parent(s) are a couple of complete phonies. They saw through them very early, recognizing the two-faced hypocrisy. Mother or father presented an impeccable image to the outside world. A child wouldn't dare  tell the truth to a friend or relative they thought they could turn to. And in some instances children who did speak up were either not believed or severely punished.

As adult children of narcissistic parents, siblings and other relatives we have the free will to either deal with them or not. I know it can be awkward to say 'No" to social events, family occasions but it is your choice.  If in the past you have been humiliated and demeaned---do you want to go through this ugly drama again? Forget the formalities, the external niceties of having the "family" together--even on this big coming series of holidays. Are you going to be forced by anyone to attend an event if it makes you literally nauseous or so hurt that you feel like crying in a corner? How much more are you willing to take? If no one stands up for your decision---you stand solidly for yourself. This can be difficult to achieve when those around us are insisting we "behave" and fall into line and play the family game ---making the good appearance once more. Ultimately, it is your move. An essential aspect of evolving as an individual is to know what is right for you and to dismiss the over the top theatrics of the projected venom of narcissists in our families. Trust yourself and your intuition. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Say No to Narcissistic Ex over the Holidays

The holidays are an emotionally charged time for most people There are so many memories--happy, sad, tragic, nostalgic that lead to powerful feelings. It is so tempting to give in to our many impulses, including renewing our previous romantic relationships. We feel a longing to be back with a person who was very special to us. We idealize this individual in our minds, remembering the great times we had with them. Our vision of the past becomes very rosy and we want to grab our phone or text or email and connect with this individual again.

If this man or woman is a narcissist, this is a very bad idea. First, the narcissist, regardless of the time that has passed, has not changed. These personality disorders are fixed; he or she has not changed. They know how to put on a perfect act and how to draw you in psychologically and romantically. Ultimately, you will be hurt again. Remember what made this man or woman an "ex" in the first place. You discovered that this person has severe problems with extreme self entitlement, complete lack of empathy, total self absorption, deception, chronic lying and manipulation. Refresh your memory before you walk through that door again. This is not easy especially if we are feeling lonely and sad. Be kind to yourself about your feelings. Do not be judgmental about them. But also be clear with yourself about the true nature of your narcissistic ex. You cannot go there again.

You made the separation and break with them out of your own best interests. You have freed you life up to be the evolving, creative, strong individual that you are now. Your intuition is telling you that you have moved too far ahead to regress backwards. Have faith in yourself and give yourself tremendous credit for the progress along the new road toward renewal you are traveling. Have a wonderful holiday. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Narcissistic Relatives Rampage through Entire Families

Narcissists have neither limits of decency nor respect for other human beings, including family members. One narcissist allowed to bully himself freely over decades can psychologically decimate many members of one family. One of the worst constellations is the mother/father narcissistic duo. Children of these unions have it very tough. Even as small children life is not centered on them. It is all about their selfish, self absorbed, cold and often enraged parents. Children from these families learn survival skills the hard way. It is very painful when they come to the realization that their parents were incapable of genuinely loving them. Those who are more fortunate often turn to an older brother or sister who substitutes as a surrogate parent.These children feel loved and protected by the older sibling and grow knowing there is at least one person they can trust and count on.

In some cases the narcissist is a golden child boy or girl, selected by mother and/or father as superior to all the other family members. He is treated like a member of royalty. All talk and adulation by the parents is about him or her. If this child has talents, is bright or gifted in other ways, he is the center of attention and given everything he wants. Narcissistic parents allow these blooming narcissists to treat their siblings cruelly. They ignore the extreme bullying that chronically occurs and can cause severe psychological damage to the brothers and sisters who are frequent victims of this abuse. The narcissistic parents are oblivious of these dreadful patterns of cruelty. In some cases they join in and belittle the children who are imperfect, taunting them, punishing them unjustly and making their lives absolutely miserable.

Many of the victims of growing up in a narcissistic family spend years in the healing process. Some find that psychotherapy with a skilled empathic clinician helps them to recognize the war zone they have navigated all of their lives. They learn to recognize and appreciate their identities that are separate from the narcissist. In many cases they end any contact with their narcissistic relatives. There are no authentic relationships with narcissists, even if they are your relatives. Discovering and learning to lead their lives on their own terms, opens them to the full use of their gifts and talents and the awareness that they are fully capable of loving others on a deep level. Other modalities of healing can involve various forms of meditation that work for the individual, hatha yoga with emphasis on relaxation and concentration, many forms of exercise that free the mind and strengthen the body. Those who thrive after the narcissistic family wars deserve our congratulations. They have prevailed. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Narcissists---Ravenous Exploiters

Narcissists are incessantly hungry for the next person or situation they will exploit. They take advantage of everyone in their lives, especially those close to them--spouses and children. They are ruthless in business which works very well for them these days when so many of those who are highly successful are narcissists. Our current society has normalized narcissistic personalities. The aim of life is to win. Winning is defined as defeating competitors at any cost, discarding those who have fallen on tough times (Narcissists blame those who through no fault of their own have not been able to "make it")  manipulating those who are emotionally vulnerable. Narcissists are seamless performers. They appear to care about you and they are believable with their chronic lying. Their plan is to exploit you and your gifts, contacts and creative ideas. When they have squeezed the most they need for their satisfaction, you are discarded. This occurs whether you have known them for months, years or decades. There is always a time certain when you will be sent into the darkness alone unless you are fulfilling some essential selfish need that they have. Narcissists don't have real relationships. They view you as a commodity and determine your value. Their spouses and children are often used as actors whom they direct. Narcissists are highly controlling. They are especially obsessed with their image. If you are the spouse or child of a narcissist you will be taking orders from them and following them or else.

Don't expect your narcissistic spouse or parent to change. Narcissistic personality is a serious fixed characterlogical  disorder that is not going to change. If they agree to go to therapy, it is for a reason and that is not to get better. Why would they change when they believe that you have the problem and they are perfect. Narcissists often sabotage psychotherapy and are even known to get the therapist on their side.

Ask yourself if you want to continue to lead your life this way---to be constantly controlled, hounded, criticized, demeaned and undermined by this individual. How much does your life matter to you. Spend some time researching the narcissistic personality disorder. Begin to recognize that you have unique value as an individual. You are entitled to be treated with respect, to be left to think your own thoughts, to be creative and  to follow your own life path. You deserve to experience inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Narcissistic Women--Playing the Pregnancy Card

Narcissistic women are known for their clever, conniving ruthlessness. One plot some of them boldly and irresponsibly play out is that of hooking the guy with their great looks and  desirability. They often find men who either already have "made it" in the wealth department or are climbing to the top of their professions. Nothing else will do. These women are obsessive plotters. They take their time, sizing up each man to find just the one who will make the cut. They start dating and in a short while these phenomenal actresses are getting closer and closer to the clincher. The chosen man doesn't have a clue about his coming entrapment. These women know how to turn it on in the intimacy department. A few months go by and everything is moving according to plan. One evening at dinner the narcissistic vixen announces that she is pregnant with his child. The guy's jaw drops. He can't believe it. The woman plays the pre-mother role. She explains that this latest development has been a horrible shock to her but now that there is a baby on the way, she is a responsible and moral individual who will take her role as a mother seriously. There will be no abortion, adoption----The two of them will raise the child. Women playing the pregnancy card are cunning at getting the man to think they are are going to share their lives together. In some cases, the guy buys a home to begin the new family.
What he doesn't know is that he was out of the picture from the beginning. This lady is after the money. Pregnancy and giving birth is her ticket to a tidy sum of money and support. If there is a grandmother handy, an aunt or a friend who will baby sit, this woman plans to have some fun time on her own and then go back to a good job. She takes this fellow for the total ride. He is responsible for the child's welfare in all of its facets until the kid is eighteen years of age. I have seen this happen a number of times. With conscience and absolute certainty about how much she can get away with--narcissistic women often win one court battle after the other, plunder the former "Partner" for all he's worth and move on.  The baby is a narcissistic supply to the narcissistic woman. She pretends to love her child when she is presenting a perfect image of herself. Otherwise, someone else can raise this kid. Using children for monetary gain is malevolent. Some of the men who are left holding this particular bag suffer horribly.

Narcissistic women who play this card never look back with regret or remorse. They are not designed that way.  They are Darwinian. One day they might even pull this heinous trick again. If not they will always find ways to decimate their male victims. These women despise men and nothing but sweet revenge will do for them. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, December 12, 2011

Narcissistic Couple - Decorous-Empty-Full of Themselves

Narcissistic couples in public are so enamored with themselves they can hardly contain their self love. Most often one member of the couple holds the psychological power over the other. The partner who is also a narcissist is a willing and enthusiastic assistant to the image of perfection they create. The chief narcissist makes all of the important decisions and controls the partner.

At social events they make a grand entrance. They have well honed people skills that match their external appearance. Pin perfect, without a hair or eyelash out of place or a wrinkle to be seen, they make sure they are the center of attention. These couples are highly extroverted. You cannot miss them. You are greeted with great enthusiasm. Eyes bright, smiles firmly in place, gestures dripping with friendliness---they are in a spotlight that appears to follow them wherever they go. These narcissists are very smooth and fool most people. Beneath it all they are shallow and disingenuous. Their goal is to impress everyone and to strut their stuff. They can't get over how wonderful they are. They talk incessantly about themselves. They interrupt your thoughts but their smiles are so bright you are distracted. They hold you captive by telling you every detail of their endless perfections---their wondrous overachieving golden children, eye-popping references to their social status, their celebrity, their brilliance at making money and keeping it growing. Narcissistic couples don't communicate--they give speeches about themselves. After giving you the treatment, they move on to others to repeat once more to some other victim the same script.

Inside, narcissists are psychologically empty. They are shallow, unempathic, often very materialistic and are incapable of introspection.Not everyone who is attractive and extroverted is a narcissist. There are some great people who are highly skilled socially. When you research the narcissistic personality, you will be able to recognize them quickly. When you do, deftly step out of their limelight of delusion and move on to speak with a real person. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, December 9, 2011

Narcissists Pounce when You are Most Vulnerable

The narcissist has an uncanny ability to discern when another person is emotionally and psychologically vulnerable to them. Knowing nothing about themselves other than how wonderful they are (this is the false grandiose self) they are predatory in their capacity to size you up and extract what they need and want from you. They come on with well rehearsed charm. They surprise you with their attentiveness. They  know what will please you the most. You cannot put them out of your mind. They tell you that you are indispensable to them in a variety of ways. They make endless promises--some fulfilled, others left fallow. Narcissists always know whom and what they want. If you are recently divorced, have ended a long relationship, are going through a personal crisis, they appear like your best friend and potential intimate to fill the gaps in your life. This is very tempting and many people are caught up in this narcissistic web. If you are or have been, don't blame yourself. You could not have known how clever and devious and artful narcissists are at their craft---deceiving people for their own gain.

Learning about the narcissistic personality and studying this psychological profile that defines our current society will be invaluable to you.

If you have been hurt by a narcissist--give yourself a break. Do not be judgmental or self recriminatory. Work through the process of your healing, viewing it as a new cycle in your life. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Do your homework and choose someone who is highly qualified and empathic. (A warning---There are narcissistic psychotherapists.) You will recognize them and leave them in the dust.) Your healing is your first priority. Pay close attention to your intuition. Learn to quiet the mind through meditation or some form of gentle yoga or any practice that you can do consistently by yourself that brings you peace. This can mean being in the garden, listening to the birds, chanting, keeping a journal where you write spontaneously. You will find out what works for you. Your healing has begun. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Staying with Your Narcissist Spouse---Running on Empty

Those who are married to or living with a narcissistic personality are psychologically compromised if not imperiled. Your life no longer belongs to you. Your private thoughts are constantly interrupted by the delusional noise, the tantrums, accusations and ill will of the narcissistic partner. If he/she is in a bad mood you will get the brunt of his cruel projections. He is in constant denial about reality. He insists you view everything from his distorted perspective--how you lead your life, where you live, how much psychological freedom you have, even the activities of your days and nights can be dictated by a narcissistic spouse. It is remarkable that they appear to get away with being among the cruelest, insensitive human beings on the face of the earth. Once. they walk outside wearing their highly convincing mask they are greeted like heroes--a person who can do no wrong, who is lauded by his professional colleagues, respected by the community, lionized by his adoring inner circle. What happens in private is totally different---and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist changes his tune. He is no longer singing;he is screaming, barking out demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there and  frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats, stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in the narcissist's delusion and doesn't understand that she is entitled to break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of a different life.

There are instances when the non-narcissistic spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks herself:"Do I want to continue living this way?" "My spouse is not going to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more dismissive--" At some point the injured spouse decides that she will sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of these spouse report the relief they feel---they can breathe and think and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in their lives. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, December 5, 2011

Trauma over Childhood with Narcissistic Sister

Some adults still suffer from the trauma they experienced as small children as a result of the brutality of a narcissistic older sister. From the beginning the younger child was frightened, even from babyhood. Often parents tend to ignore these activities or don't even notice them because THEY ARE DONE IN SECRET. When the baby cries the older sister makes an excuse and says that the baby is fussy or hungry. So many parents, especially those who are narcissistic and completely fixated on their own precious lives, believe this narcissistic monster child of theirs. These terrifying and traumatizing incidents can occur hundreds of times throughout the victim's childhood and the perversity and cruelty of the narcissistic older sister is never addressed. The victimized child has been living in a war zone of covert and overt activity all of her life. As they grow older, the victimized child often find ways of being invisible. She leaves the house frequently to be with friends, goes to the library or even finds good hiding places in the house. There have been horrendous occasions when the older sister has invited friends over when the parents are not home for the sole purpose of taunting and terrorizing the younger siblings. I have known of cases of small children lock in closets, forced to eat food that made them sick, being the object of cruel jokes, placed in the dark while tied with rope. These memories do not fade. Even as adults daughters victimized by narcissistic older sister still cringe at the thoughts of what happened to them and especially that no one, especially a parent had any awareness of these horrendous ongoing patterns of physical, psychological and emotional abuse.

As adults the victimized child often decides to sever her relationship with the narcissistic perpetrator. All she has known from this person is the infliction of terror, humiliation and abuse. Narcissistic parents often blame the victim and rally around the narcissistic older sister since she is the golden chosen one who can do no wrong. In these cases the child who has suffered so much leaves her entire family behind. Many of them are able to benefit from skilled psychotherapy, learn to trust and form an therapeutic alliance with the therapist and begin to heal from a form of post traumatic stress they have experienced for many years. In the process of healing, many of these individuals discover the value of their true selves and learn to appreciate and nurture themselves as well as finding people they can trust and form close relationships. The road to healing has many ups and downs but on the other side is leading life that you have always deserved. Finally you feel secure and at peace; you have the energy and strength to recognize and apply your special creative gifts and to fulfill your great potential. You deserve our deepest respect and honor. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Narcissistic Smile of a Villain

In one of Shakespeare's greatest plays, Hamlet, in the first scene the ghost of his father appears and speaks to Hamlet. The father has been poisoned by his brother, Claudius. The dead father says: "One may smile and smile and be a villain." In similar ways the thousand watt smile of the narcissist comes to mind---the penetrating, unblinking gaze looking you over, taking you in. The smile that caresses you, that wants to possess you. Narcissists are masterful at fusing psychologically with their next living narcissistic supply, you. The gaze is riveting; you cannot look away. The communication there in the air is so strong that you are indispensable to them. The are making the seduction complete. You feel like abdicating your will to them. In the back of your mind a voice is saying: "There is danger here. This is a masterful act. Wake up, Recognize this man."

This scenario takes place not only in plays but in every day life when the narcissist decides he wants something from you and is determined to get it. The best way to recognize the narcissistic personality disorder is through your study of this character disorder. You discover that these personalities are severely pathological, fixed, not likely to change. Narcissists are pervasive in our society today. The endings of these "plays", like Hamlet, are not happy ones. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Children of Narcissists Learning to Heal

One of the most difficult roles in life is to be the child of a narcissistic parent or parents. From the beginning this child is living with parents who have an agenda. Narcissistic parents have many styles of dealing with their children. Often one narcissistic parent will choose a child whom she perceives as a perfect reflection of herself/himself. This child is groomed from infancy to be the special one. He/she is revered over the other children in the family and given free rein. The narcissistic parent is creating a living narcissistic supply for himself/herself. The blooming narcissist is allowed to wrest control over all of his siblings, treating them with cruelty and constant intimidation. Even when the children are grown the narcissistic golden child continues to create chaos and dread within the family. Adult children of narcissists continue to suffer from their pathological families.

At some point there are adult children of the narcissistic family who decide that they must assert themselves and heal from their narcissistic parents and other family members. The recognize that they are individuals first who are entitled to lead their own lives without the constraints and tyrannical control of narcissistic family members. They learn to establish clear psychological boundaries between themselves and narcissistic family members. Another step is in their own individual healing. One of the essentials in this process is learning how to quiet the mind. This can be a form of meditation that works for you. Meditations takes many forms. It can be a sitting meditation, walking meditation, sitting quietly outside listening to the sounds of nature, listening to soothing music, chanting,  Find the form that works for you. The essential factor here is consistency. The amount of time you spend doesn't matter as much as your making this time of solitude a habit. Another factor is your attitude toward yourself: Do not be judgmental---There is no such thing as a bad meditation. You are making the effort and that is what matters. Exercising, moving your body is all part of the healing process. Choose a form of exercise that you enjoy or that you can tolerate. Not everyone loves to exercise. I can tell you that the payoffs are tremendous. Some people discover that gentle hatha yoga with its emphasis on breathing through the nose, quiets the nervous system and that gentle poses keep the muscles supple and the body systems stimulated but relaxed. For many, spontaneous writing each day is part of their healing process. Take some time for yourself to write down your thoughts, feelings, fantasies, reveries--whatever is on your mind. You will find this to be a surprising exercise. When you face the page you never know what insights, observations or gifts will be coming through to you. This process is self powering. The writing flows through you. It is not coming from narcissistic parents; it belongs to you. It is your special voice, your creation and your voice. We are always moving toward wholeness and healing. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Narcissistic Spouse--- Destroying Your Immune System

Stress is one of the major factors in becoming physically ill. When a person is highly stressed their cortisol levels rise and their immune system can become compromised. Narcissistic spouses are stress machines. They scream, lie, manipulate, demean, humiliate and play every trick they have to maintain control over you and your life. It is remarkable to me and very sad that so many spouses are living under these extreme burden of psychological and emotional duress for years, even decades. I hear from women and men who feel trapped by their sharing their lives with narcissistic partners. Many of them keep thinking that this person who has a severe personality disorder is going to change----eventually. That day will never come. In the meantime, the non-narcissistic spouse is being harmed on every level by these highly pathological individuals. The non-narcissistic spouse tries everything to make the marriage work, including couples therapy. Couples therapy in general does not work with narcissists. They may appear to cooperate to pacify their partner but they are being disingenuous. The narcissist may want to stay married and still play the field because he/she doesn't want to split up the assets at this time.

You can turn yourself inside out, make yourself over, heed the narcissist's demands and it will never be enough. The narcissist is a highly deluded person. It doesn't matter if he is the most successful person you have met or has a close following of admirers, he is a selfish, venal, cruel and non-compassionate person.

It is time to turn to your own welfare: your physical health, emotional and psychological well being. We are in charge of our health. Even many doctors these days who go by the new book of throwing prescriptions at patients rather than going to the cause of symptoms can't be trusted. One of the lessons of life is that we must take charge of ourselves on every level. We cannot expect even the best spouse to do it for us. We can research, consult with those who are very knowledgeable but ultimately it is up to us to make the right decisions for ourselves.

Being married to a narcissist and allowing the venom that he ejects to become embedded in your will raise your stress levels exponentially. You deserve to be healthy and strong. And part of this wellness is the strength of your immune system to fight off illness. I have been in communication with many spouses who have become physically ill as a result of overwhelming stress that they internalized that compromised their immune systems.

First and foremost---Think about yourself first--the narcissist should be very low on your list or not there at all. He has tried everything to make your life a living hell. You don't need to take this anymore. Have a plan of action to keep yourself healthy. Learn to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. In many cases you make the decision to sever the relationship. Narcissists don't have relationships; they are incapable of psychological or emotional intimacy.

Take heart as you walk away from the narcissistic delusion. You have insight into your inner self and all of your creative gifts and energies. You are entitled to live without the constant stress that is emblematic of life with the narcissist. You have come to a fork in the road. Choose the pathway that works for you. You will find the right direction based on your research, thinking and your deep intuition. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Steer Clear of Narcissistic Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Narcissistic sabotage is operating at all times. It becomes particularly ugly during the Holidays--that time of special "family reunions." There are countless horror stories of non-narcissistic family members being subjected to the toxic projections of a narcissistic parent, sibling, in-law, cousin, child, ex-spouse,  etc. At a time of celebration and gratefulness one would think that narcissists would be able to let festivities go smoothly. Absolutely not. Remember, narcissists are operating twenty four hours a day. No time off for vacations. Be ready for oncoming fire before it begins. First, you know a lot about these impossible individuals---they are self absorbed, deceitful, manipulative, controlling, completely lack empathy, exploitive, sadistic.

Never be surprised at how outrageous they can become and GET AWAY WITH IT! So many family members give them a complete pass. Some of the reason for this is intimidation. Often it can be favoritism, especially if we are speaking of golden children. They are allowed to run roughshod over everyone  They make the cruelest remarks. Other family members either pretend that they don't smell these poison pellets or say to themselves: "There goes dad (mom, sister, brother) again." That seems to wipe out the egregious behavior for everyone, except you. You know exactly what is going on. It is despicable.

Here are some guidelines that will help you get through the narrow passageways of holidays with narcissistic relatives:
First: Renew your mental notes about the true nature of the narcissistic personality disorder and never forget that these people NEVER CHANGE.
Second: Don't expect that other family members will come to your assistance if they make an offensive remark to you. Use your own self assertion by calling them out civilly and not overreacting.
Third: Keep your physical distance from them and don't go one on one in conversation---that's the time when a nasty attack is bound to occur.  
Fourth: If the malevolent cruelties are increasing and you are the target of constant onslaughts, remember that you can leave the party. Some people will say: "Don't create a scene." That's what the narcissist is counting on---for you to stand there quietly, taking in the noxious fumes of their highly disturbed psyches. You have free will. Use it.

You deserve to have a wonderful holiday season and days of peace, creativity and freedom of thought and feeling every day. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Identifying and Dealing with Over the Top Narcissistic Mother-in-law

Many mother-in-laws are kind, compassionate wonderful human beings. I am talking specifically about mother-in-laws who have narcissistic personality disorder. An overbearing narcissistic matriarch can wreak havoc in every aspect of your childrens', daughters-in-law, sons-in-law and grandchildren lives. Narcissists are above all very controlling. Very clear psychological boundaries must be created in dealing with these individuals. They may dramatize, lie, try to sabotage members of her family who don't go along with her iron will. What you don't want to do is overreact to these individuals. Also is essential is recognizing how tyrannical and relentless these individuals can be.  Be clear through your actions that you respect yourself. If the matriarch gets out of line, clearly and quietly use clear, measured communication in dealing with her. She expects to intimidate you and everyone else. In some cases she causes other family members to become a part of her narcissistic delusion. Remember that you are part of a family but ultimately a separate individual who deserves to be treated with respect and truthfulness. If the situation gets out of hand due to the narcissistic mother-in-law's extreme encroachments on your privacy, sense of freedom and inner peace, it may be necessary to sever your relationship with this person. You know the truth about yourself and are keenly aware of the destructiveness of the narcissistic personality. If you are married to the son of the narcissistic matriarch it is part of his role as your spouse to make sure that you are treated with respect. You are married to him not his mother. It takes a strong sense of self to deal with these psychologically disruptive individuals. Stick to you principles, remain calm and psychologically detached. Trust your intuition. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Protect Yourself from Narcissist's Malicious Projections

It is remarkable how often narcissists project their filthy venom on to others (Except those they are grooming to become part of their cult of personality and power). If you already know that an individual is a narcissist, protect yourself in advance. One of the first rules is not to be alone with them---that's when they go deeply cruel and dirty. They feel that they have you cornered and they pin you with a stealth attack. You feel it coming out of no where and say to yourself: "What the hell was that?" You think to yourself and wonder if you actually heard what this person was saying. Narcissists making these malevolent moves are over the top so steer clear of being with them, especially solo.  If you know you will be in their presence, prepare ahead of time. Remind yourself of their specific psychopathology. They may be you sibling, in-law, parent, etc.-------but above all they are a narcissistic personality disorder and their character profile in not going to change----ever. Do not blame yourself. These ugly projections are actually unconscious psychological material that they cannot contain themselves and are throwing your way. Learn how to practice detachment. This takes practice. One of the ways of becoming more detached is through some form of quieting the mind. This provides us with the capacity to have a calmer more balanced perspective and not to overreact to someone else's drama. Always remind yourself that you deserve respect and consideration as an individual. Give yourself a lot of credit for learning about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Heal from Narcissistic Spouse--Calm Your Nervous System

After you have separated from and divorced the narcissist you will go through a time of adjustment. For many there is an enormous sense of relief since the marriage has been treacherous and cruel for many years. Even if you have anticipated your divorce, there is an aftermath that many individuals experience. You have been under extreme duress for so many years you made not realize that your level of stress during the entire marriage has been very high.  Physiologically this means that the non-narcissistic spouse has been living with a high level of hyper-vigilance, apprehension and chronic anxiety. When we feel endangered our nervous system goes in the sympathetic survival mode what is called fight or flight syndrome. In a state of relaxation and repose the nervous system is in parasympathetic mode. This is the state the nervous system needs to be in to activate psychophysiological healing. Many of those who divorce narcissists are incapable of remembering if they have ever felt the relaxation and repose of the parasympathetic nervous system. This is a natural state---a condition that everyone deserves to experience.

Once you are free from sharing your life with the narcissist you can practice a variety of techniques to get in touch with the natural calming part of your nature. This can be achieved by practicing gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nostrils, participating in a  form of meditation in a way that works for you. Taking time to appreciate your own solitude is a source of activating healing. Some individuals find great comfort and calming in keeping a regular journal that they use to express their thoughts and feelings as a way of releasing this long held pain. As you work through the healing process, this calm state will become increasingly familiar to your body/mind and you will discover a deep peace inside. As the months and years pass and you continue these practices, the feeling of calmness will deepen. Your will lead the life that you were meant to lead. You deserve to be fully liberated. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself  from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don't Become a Filler for the Narcissist

Narcissists are restless individuals. They are always searching their environments, scouting out narcissistic supplies---attractive men or women who will come under their spell, business opportunities that will give them the highest yield even if that means running off with the money and cheating everyone else, opportunities for public adulation and adoring audiences. Grandiose narcissists love nothing more than being the center of attention on the largest stages---elegant parties, prestigious entertainment and sporting events, etc. Narcissists don't stand still for very long. If they find you attractive and vulnerable to their charm, they will quickly have you in the palm of their hands. They make you feel that you are at the very center of their lives. You are the most wonderful and unique person they have ever met. Some narcissists are quick to give gifts--often impressive ones if they are in high income brackets. they love to dazzle you with surprises--special private dinners, jewelry, a day at a magnificent spa--They know exactly how to pull your strings. These kinds of behaviors are prevalent in the beginning when the narcissist is baiting you. After you have been with him for a while, the narcissist is inclined to take you more for granted---You are no longer the novelty you once were. Now you are labelled for him as a "filler"--someone he can call at a moment's notice. You may think that the narcissist is finding you indispensable to his life. At this stage, the opposite is true. He has already moved on to another special woman---or three or four. These fellows are masterful jugglers.

You have become for him the woman he brings into his life when nothing more exciting is happening. You have slipped from number one to way back in the pack. From the beginning this reality was always going to be true. Narcissists don't value anyone but themselves. They are predatory--always searching for the next best thing that they will manipulate, pursue and control. If a narcissist whom you have known in the past comes back into your life, oozing with charm, telling you that you are unforgettable---nip it in the bud with no equivocations or hesitations. You are a "filler" for no one. You are a person who respects herself, expects to be treated with courtesy and consideration and who values her individuality, creative gifts, her time and energy. She  has relationships with people whom she respects and where there is reciprocation of understanding  and deep caring. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Destructive Cycling from One Narcissist to the Next

It is not unusual in this time of epidemic narcissism for men and women to find themselves jumping from one narcissistic individual to the next. Being narcissistic has been normalized in many social circles. Materialism and narcissism are easy companions. Greed, rampant and unabashed, grows exponentially these days. There is never enough "stuff". That's how psychologically empty and spiritually bankrupt many people are today.

Narcissists have always been a huge draw. Often very good looking, beautiful, athletic, bright, highly confident---they have turned heads all of their lives. They expect nothing less. And their magnetism shines in the largest room you can imagine. Everyone is tempted by the highly polished narcissist, especially when they have given you the high beam, that knowing look that says they have to have you and will give you everything you desire in exchange. You are transfixed, in trance mode---You believe that this gossamer flight is real---that you are so extraordinary that this man or woman has picked you. What a powerful dynamic---one that most people cannot resist. So you become involved quickly and "fall in love." You are treated with such deference beyond your wildest imagination. This man has anticipated exactly what you want, what turns you on.  The narcissistic promise is that if you go with him you will forever escape the harsh, cruel, painful realities of life. In its place the vision he/she offers is a paradise of delusion.So many choose this direction and for a while this can feel like the best thing that ever happened to you.

The true nature of the narcissist, Mr. Hyde emerges, shows his hideous face and the forceful menace of his presence. This is particularly evident in the narcissist's insistent control of every aspect of your life, including your most private thoughts and feelings. The narcissist's demands and criticisms become more forceful. You feel cornered. There is no way of compromising with this person. Eventually, the narcissist either discards you without a backward glance or you decide you cannot take it any more and leave. You start to move forward with your own life but the "good memories" linger. For many individuals it doesn't take long to find another special person---someone they believe is different--not grandiose and demanding. You are so vulnerable that you can easily fall into the narcissistic trap again. One of the cleverest guises of these personality disorders is that of the covert narcissist. He or she appears to be genuine and caring. There is no fanfare or special entrance or pretense. This is what you believe. The focus is on you. The covert narcissist's manner is smooth and subtle. It may take you some time to experience the manipulation and duplicitous nature of his brilliant act.  You make excuses for his lack of empathy, your discovery of his easy lies, the cauldron of rage that brims over on to you. Again, you are in a relationship with another narcissist. Beneath the pseudo humility and pretend empathy lies the core narcissistic personality constellation. Many victims repeat this pattern of partnering with narcissists innumerable times. Each time they lose a little more of themselves.

Those who awaken to the reality that this severe personality disorder is not going to change and that he/she is eclipsing their lives, find a way out of this destructive pattern. They research, study and understand what has happened to them. They recognize that they are entitled to make their own decisions, to be treated with respect as a separate person, to have full use of their creative gifts, to pursue their life goals using their many talents. You have broken this destructive cycle and are now moving forward with your life. You deserve the very best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Divorcing a Narcissist-Plan Your Exit Strategy in Advance

In the emotional chaos of a marriage to a narcissist that has soured and become very ugly, it is difficult to think clearly about how to make an exit that will benefit you the most. First, pay close attention to the signals and red flags you have been getting all along that the person you married is a narcissist. He/she is self absorbed, selfish, given to rages, secretive, a chronic liar (who plays the part beautifully) manipulative, exploitive and completely lacks empathy. You have seen these behaviors throughout the years and they are escalating. If you have researched this personality disorder, you have all of the information you need to make your decision. You can stay with this person and talk yourself into believing that he is going to change at some time down the road or be convinced that you can alter him. This is never going to happen because this disorder is fixed. The false self of the narcissist develops very early and the defense mechanisms these individuals use are impervious to change. They believe that they are superior, perfect and over-entitled. They have no motivation to change.

If you decide to break up the relationship, do all of your homework in advance and detail. Interview several attorneys and choose one who has a lot of experience with divorce and has worked with clients who have this personality profile. Your attorney needs to be highly self confident, well trained, intuitive about human nature, have superior communication skills and an excellent legal temperament for times when the narcissist and his attorney come down very hard. This is the time of reckoning when your attorney is being tested and will either win with flying colors or fail to represent you properly. Get all of your financial records in order. Get your support group in place of friends you can completely trust--one is enough. Keep yourself in good physical condition. Do cardiovascular exercise like walking or going to the gym. Do not wear yourself out. Get quality sleep and make sure that you following an eating plans that provides your body with the nutrients it requires. Dial down the fight or flight syndrome with practices like gentle yoga poses, forms of meditation that work for you. Appreciate what you are doing. Don't share your exit plan with anyone unless you are sure you can trust them completely. I know you can do this. You are beginning a new cycle of your life that is richer, deeper, more meaningful, creative and peaceful. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Leaving Your Narcissistic Family-Appreciating Who You Are

All of your life you have been told what to do by overbearing narcissistic family members. You find yourself in your thirties, forties and beyond still trying to please mother, father, sister, brother---the family narcissists. You have tried everything to please them, to make them proud of you, to always try your very best. It was and is never enough----And It Never Will Be because you are dealing with individuals who have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. You will always be blamed for their mistakes, their cruelties, their misfortunes. You will be subjected to an endless stream of humiliations, accusations, verbal attacks and outright lies about your character. They will and have talked about you behind your back. One of the worst labels that narcissistic family members use is that you are "crazy." That gives everyone they speak with a jolt. "They are a wonderful family, except for that 'crazy daughter' of theirs. I feel so sorry for them. It is such an embarrassment." I have communicated with many daughters and sons enmeshed in narcissistic families who have described this experience exactly as I am writing it. In effect the narcissistic family is projecting their psychopathology on to a scapegoated child. This is often a child who is highly sensitive, intelligent and emotionally vulnerable. He or she has had to wear this dreadful label. Some children grow up and believe that they must be crazy since that is how they have been treated. The pain they endure is intolerable.

Fortunately, in many instances the scapegoated child, now grown, accesses the truth about herself/himself and recognizes that it is the family that is highly disturbed not her/him. Some of these children spend a great deal of time trying to understand what happened to them, do research about the psychopathology in narcissistic families and get professional help. Within the security and healing environment of good psychotherapy they get in touch with their true selves. They recognize and appreciate who they are and have been all of their lives--an individual of value and uniqueness with many creative gifts and a new cycle of life that is awaiting them. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Healing and Growing after Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most challenging and daunting experiences. In many cases the narcissist takes the bit in his/her mouth and goes for all of the marbles. He/she insists on financial resources and property that are owned in common. The narcissistic spouse suddenly decides that he wants access to his children most of the time. He throws out lies constantly, makes every effort to destroy the personal and professional reputations of his former spouse. With the assistance of an attorney who specializes in family law and who understands the ruthless, controlling behaviors of the narcissistic personality you will be guided through this often arduous process.

For so long, often decades, your life---every aspect of it has been eclipsed by the selfish, duplicitous,  controlling, enraged of a severe personality disorder. When you are free from this constricted way of life, you will begin to recognize that you can make your own decisions, expand and deepen all of your creative gifts, find ways of encouraging your inner peace through a variety of modalities---forms of calming the mind and body--meditation, gentle hatha yoga, joining support groups that focus on healing after divorce.

The mind and body are designed to heal. When we provide ourselves with the right internal and external environments and individuals who are supportive of the process we are going through, we will grow, taking back our identities as unique individuals. Your confidence will return. Your creativity will be re-launched. Your life goals will become a source of hope and great anticipation. You have begun a new cycle of life---a hopeful and encouraging. You have prevailed. Celebrate this new beginning. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Narcissistic Mothers--Career First-Children Last

There are many women who juggle their time, sleep, energy and personal lives every day to take care of their children. They love them very much and work so hard. Many of these women do it all alone and do it well. They don't have a private life; they don't have fun very often. Their focus is providing a home, food, clothing and schooling  for their children. Many of these women have been abandoned by husbands or partners who are totally irresponsible and don't care about their children. They are off to the next big excitement--another woman they will victimize. .

There are gifted highly ambitious, with tremendous drive and  motivation to reach the top to the pinnacle of their careers. This is commendable. Women have worked very hard throughout the centuries to get their just share of professional success and compensation.

I am specifically speaking about  the route the narcissistic mother takes. Having a child or two  is part of enhancing her image and being able to tell herself and every one else: "I do it all." I have a very successful career, I am climbing to the top; I have two wonderful kids."  She waxes dramatically, showing the photographs of her darling children to everyone.  If you ask some of these narcissistic women what happens when they come home at ten o'clock in the evening, their children are already asleep. She goes into their rooms, kisses them quietly and shuts their doors to work some more. In the morning these narcissistic mothers are rushing their children out the door to daycare. Everything is hurried---a quick kiss, a fast drive to the babysitter and this woman is off to her life goal---reaching the highest rung in her professional life.

Why do these narcissistic women have children. A child is one of the greatest narcissistic supplies of all when you are molding a perfect image and facade. On the outside, everyone thinks these women are heroines. Behind closed doors, the children suffer from intolerable maternal deprivation and know that they are not loved and were never wanted. They are pawns, chess pieces to be manipulated. To take an innocent, helpless baby and to abandon him/her to daycare or a babysitter when this child is weeks old is a travesty. Narcissistic women are mothers in name only. There are narcissistic mothers who do not have specific careers and still do not raise their children. In an unguarded moment these women will tell you that they were bored sick, staying home with an infant. They needed to get back into the excitement and dynamism of their careers. It didn't matter if their children were very young. Some narcissistic mothers are careless about checking out quality child care as long as they can get back to their priority----themselves. Narcissistic mothers are selfish, highly controlling and cold. Their self absorption knows no end. On weekends when they could be with their children, they have too much work demanding their attention and hire extra babysitters so that they can shop and enjoy themselves without the encumbrance of small children. 

No one wants to talk about the damage that narcissistic mothers do to their children. Some of them bitch about the small amounts of time they interact with their kids and find it very irritating. What is the husband doing. Quite often he is narcissistic as well and obsessed with his career. People can do whatever they wish in becoming powerful in the world, experts in their fields, fighting all of the corporate battles to the top.But something profound happens when you have a child. This current society has given narcissistic mothers a complete pass.  It has become perfectly acceptable to have children and not raise them or form a close attachment to babies who didn't ask to be brought into the world. 

I hope that with the exposure of the true nature of the narcissist that many individuals will finally recognize the incalculable harm perpetrated by narcissistic mothers. I ask the question that remains hanging in the air: Why are you having children if you are not going to take care of them ? I don't hear any answers. I don't hear: "I made a mistake."  I should not have had children."  or I know they missed a lot in my absence. They've been cheated. I am very sorry." 

Narcissistic mothers are not the least bit concerned about the psychological damage they are doing every day. Twenty years from now, they will want this child fixed!!! A child is not a machine with parts that can be replaced. Some psychological damage is so profound that adult children of narcissistic mothers suffer for much  of their lives. I hear from them and they have paid a dear price for their narcissistic mother's ruthless abandonment of her child and the idea that she would choose to have children for the single purpose of building and enhancing her priceless golden image. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Narcissists-Without Conscience or Empathy-Full Speed Ahead

Living without a conscience or empathy is so much easier, faster and more lucrative than having the encumbrances of a fine character.  Narcissists go at full speed. It doesn't matter how many people they hurt along the way---This includes their (often many) spouses and children.Narcissists don't stare at the ceiling late at night thinking about their mistakes. They don't regret that they have ruined their children psychologically, left ex-spouses in financial and emotional ruin. Narcissists are not like Lot's wife who looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. They move forward at the highest speeds, going through every red light without getting caught.

Is there any justice---Can anyone see how dreadful and malicious these people are, the intractable harm that they perpetrate on others--spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, parents, partners, business associates. Most people are too dazzled by the image that the narcissist presents--the perfect act that they have been honing their entire lives that seamlessly works for them. At this time when being a narcissist pays huge dividends in the external world, it is not surprising that many are entranced and become followers of narcissists (especially those at the top of their game). They yearn to become part of the Inner Circle. They are willing slaves to the narcissist's allure.

Let the adorers of narcissists go in their own direction. Let go of the narcissists in your life who have "succeeded" by stealth, cruelty, threats and dirty dealing. You have a conscience and deep empathy---You are a solid, real human being.  You continue to grow psychologically and creatively. The road ahead is wide open--Take the reins; enjoy every moment of the ride. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life 

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

After Divorcing a Narcissist--Rebuild Yourself and Your Life

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most harrowing and painful life experiences. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't go ahead with this process. You have to in order to preserve your life and that of your children. I am in communication with individuals who are going through this ordeal. They are ready for the battle. In some cases, the narcissist want to make you disappear so he/she pays you off--you are a discard, not even a faint memory in a life you have shared with this person for more than a decade. Count yourself fortunate if this break is made cleanly. The biggest reward is that this person is out of your life. Quite often the opposite happens. The narcissistic moves into Crusade mode and will fight you on every battlement. He is determined to wear you down to nothing, to destroy your spirit and sense of hope, besides taking all of the financial resources--especially those to which you are entitled. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of choosing the sharpest, savviest attorney you can find--some one with high ethical standards and a mastery of family law but in addition, a person who has a clear understanding of how the narcissistic personality operates---the darkness in their character, their sense of vanquishing their victims (and that includes you) completely. Narcissists with the bit in their mouths over a divorce will not quit. They  lie, cheat, fabricate, terrorize, cajole, threaten, use emotional blackmail--do everything possible to make sure that you lose and are thrown to the wolves. That is their intention--This doesn't mean that they will succeed.
Most people are  naive about human nature. They cannot believe that narcissists intend to destroy others--not with physical violence (although some of them are known to beat their spouses and not get caught) but with the master plan they put into place to bring you down. The attorney you choose must have an insider's understanding of the true nature of the narcissist--his treachery, non stop attacks, his conniving, his damnable lies and fabrications that are designed to destroy the other spouse's reputation--personal and in some cases, professional.

Despite the time you  have spent going through the ordeal of living with a narcissist, you will find that after severing the relationship, you have talents, creative gifts, dreams and the drive to continue to evolve as an individual. Start thinking of your personal needs, your professional and creative aspirations, what you enjoy for recreation, the kind of people with whom you will surround yourself, becoming stronger and healthier physically, learning how to calm your nervous system through gentle yoga, meditation (in a form that works for you) creating a circle of support among those who are deeply about you and are loyal and empathic. Your life is opening up for the first time in years. Take time to appreciate being with yourself. Write down your thoughts and feelings, spontaneously. You will discover facets of yourself that you didn't realize were there. The growth process moves forward throughout our lives. Take hold of it and remain open to all of its opportunities in your life. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Narcissists Despise Those Who are Not Successful Like Them

Have you talked with a narcissist lately and heard the blather that comes out of their mouths? They are obsessed with the externals of life--how much money they have made and are making--their perfect homes which they continue to re-do constantly-their perfect children who are brilliant and are headed for M.D's.--medical specialties only, big pharma, high level positions in hi-tech, Wall Street firms, hedge fund management, etc. (There are individuals of excellent character who go into professions that pay them very well. They provide services to others as a result of their schooling and training.)

Narcissistic parents reinforce materialism, competitiveness at any cost, the cult of image over substance, a lack of morality that says:"I've got mine; the hell with you." and looks down on those who have not succeeded in the world. If your life has taken hard turns and landed you in a number of ditches--financial, medical, psychological---forget asking for help from a narcissist, especially a member of your own family. They will cut you to the quick---telling you that it is your fault that you got yourself into this mess. They play the superiority card.  Nothing in their lives has gone wrong financially---They have not experienced those horrendous dips or engulfing pot holes that swallow you up--the medical bills that pile up, the bad credit scores that come afterward, the illness that threatens your lives. They are above it all.

You have worked hard all of your life. You have been dealt a very tough hand to play. You are an ethical and moral person who will not cheat or take from others. Today people are not measured by the content of their characters-- their empathy, the suffering they have endured, their kindness to other people. This current Narcissistic Society evaluates you by what you own and how much money you have----that is the sum total of your worth as an individual from a narcissistic point of view. This would all be pathetic if it wasn't so harmful to those who are suffering so intensely.

There is something called luck or fate. It cab determine much of what is going to happen to us. Luck is real. Lucrative business connections are real. Being ruthless is real. Narcissists are completely ruthless and treacherous--especially with business associates whom they vanquish and with members of their own family. Narcissists focus on money, power, and their personal image every waking moment. (They are restless and don't think deeply or are capable of  seeing themselves from the inside) If there is money involved and you have a narcissistic mother, father or sibling (or all of the above) --watch out! The money threat will be held over your head for the rest of your life if you don't make the decision that it doesn't matter and you recognize that your destiny is not about money alone. Obviously, we all have to find a way to live each day. By the way it is a very rare person who understands the pain involved in not having enough money for rent, food and clothing. I have discovered that there are very few people with huge financial resources who have the capacity to understand what it feels like every day worrying about where your next dollar is coming from. It is equally rare for those who have not experienced tragedy in their lives to deeply understand it and have compassion and mercy for those who have endured it. 

For many it becomes impossible with acquaintances, friends and family members (including spouses) to listen to the criticisms, humiliations, impertinent questions of those who simply refuse to understand and turn a cruel, blind eye to the one who is suffering the most. These are not relationships; they are opportunities for the narcissist to feel superior and victorious. The narcissist is in massive denial about himself and his entire life. These misperceptions will never change. The die has been cast; the hard shell of the narcissistic personality cannot be cracked to let the light of compassion in. They are fixed and immutable.

Narcissists do not belong in your world. They rattle and disturb everyone around them. If you work with a narcissist, you will find ways to cope with them through detachment from their sickness and maintaining your secure psychological boundaries.

It is your personal decision to keep them out of your personal life. Your life is precious. It is headed in the direction of pursuing truth not narcissistic delusion. Your life is creative---use all of your gifts. You are a loving person--share your heart. I know many individuals who have simplified their lives and have found  comfort, creative productivity and calm in making this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life  Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 

Monday, October 31, 2011

Narcissists Feel Great-They Make Others Feel Miserable

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill---psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become increasingly difficult. There are exceptions---those who buy in to the narcissist's delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist's power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down--that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them.

Those who live with the narcissist who are not deluded are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives "shut up" money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained --they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse---day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical master. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time--they just aren't public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to father narcissist.

How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child's stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change------ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet.

Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning--changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Narcissists Preserve Their Image-Their Lives Depends on It

Narcissists create, build and maintain their Image as if their lives depended on it. In many ways it does since this is their identity. The narcissist's outer shell--the elaborate perfect facade is what he/she projects in the world. This image is priceless to him--the air that he breathes. From the time most narcissists were very small they developed a false sense of self. An essential part of this self is Image---physical attractiveness, extreme confidence, tremendous drive, no sense of limits, the ability to magnetize, manipulate and control others. This is a time of growing pathological narcissism.

Wherever we go, we are confronted with the priceless image. In our television ads, productions and throughout the media--- youth , beauty, sexiness, handsomeness, athleticism, social confidence are presented as essential  to life success. It is possible to have all of these qualities and not be a narcissist. I am speaking about a personality that is based solely on these attributes. There is no room here for the inner self that introspects, is capable of loving relationships despite one's social class or financial status, empathy --the capacity to understand and feel on a deep level what someone else is experiencing, the alleviation of the pain of others through kindness, the ability to perceive oneself clearly--the positive and the negative and make changes that move toward inner personal growth throughout a lifetime.

The narcissist comes to us as a beautifully wrapped package. When you unwrap it, going through the layers, you find more image not substance. Narcissists convince most people that what they are seeing and experiencing in them is real. They believe and are taken in by the elaborate series of masks. In the beginning of a "relationship" with a narcissist most people are dazzled by this person's charm, their powerful personality vibration, the way they are fixated on you. If a narcissist decides that you are the person he wants at this time, he/she will go after you at full force. He lets you know that he has singled you out from everyone else on earth to be the chosen one because you are so special. Narcissists use gifts--often surprising and sometimes extravagant ones to impress and sweep you away. They pay constant attention to you that is flattering and often spell binding. They have been studying you and know how you think and what you most desire. They know your weaknesses and impulsivities. You have become their project since they intend to seduce you in various ways. They intend to become unforgettable to you. They are relentless in their attention.  Narcissists are inclined to possess those whom they choose to be part of their inner circle. They need partners who will become part of the golden image that they project on to the world and that is their reality. It is difficult to say "no" to someone who is coming toward you with such gifts of seduction. We want to believe that we are the most important person in the world to this irresistible individual. We all want to be "the one." That is a deep desire within us as human beings. If we take this elaborate bait and are carried up and give ourselves to the narcissist we are becoming part of his/her world. At first the special treatment is glorious. We feel giddy-drunk with this level of attention and the feeling that we can have anything we want. When we are finally seduced and join the narcissist through marriage or partnership, we share his/her life as his/her terms. That's the agreement. Narcissist make deals not relationships.

After being married to a narcissist (sometimes before) we notice significant cracks in the too good to be true image. There are burst of rage that come from nowhere. We are criticized for something we didn't do; the narcissist verbally picks at us incessantly, putting us down with cruel comments and hateful glances. We try to please him/her. Nothing works. What we are experiencing is the dark core of the narcissist behind the mask---that part of the self that is seething beneath the surface. Those who live with him when the doors and windows are shut are subjected to the Jekyll/Hyde treatment. It is an ugly and frightening experience. Mr. Hyde is out, glowering up close at your face; projecting his psychological sputum on to you. The screaming starts and never seems to end;  accusations fly; defamations spew; threats charge the air.  How much of this are you willing to take. Hopefully, you can say to yourself: "Enough"!

Regardless of what you do, the rigid narcissistic personality remains immutable---fixed, cold, cruel, conniving, exploitive, highly abusive, inhumane. Learning about the narcissistic personality in all of its facets will help you in the present relationship and in the future. For more information about this personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com