Sunday, September 30, 2012

Narcissistic Father--Running Off with Daughter's Girlfriend fdriend

Narcissists have no limits--moral, ethical, legal---They are indecent human beings on many levels. If you have a narcissistic parent you know how outrageous they will be. They have no shame. I have known of a number of instances in which the narcissist's daughter had a close friend who was like part of the family. The young adult daughter of the narcissist was shocked to find out that her father was making passes at her best friend. She kept telling herself this couldn't be happening. She idealized her father and thought of her mother as weak, an appendage of her father. She was unable to stand up for herself. When college time came father and mother divorced. Dad soon began dating, often seeing a couple of women in one evening. Alice (let's call her) was shocked by her dad's behavior. He was acting like a teenager. In walks Alice's childhood friend, Gina for a college break. Alice feels the sparks fly and the chemistry stir between this man she calls dad and her best friend. Alice notices that Gina is becoming secretive with her. On a particular evening she discovers her father upstairs with her friend Gina in a compromising scene in the master bedroom. Alice is stunned. She can't believe it.  Her father announces that he and Gina love one another, have for some time and are planning to get married in the very near future. That is exactly what happens. Alice can barely tolerate getting through the ceremonies. She is humiliated and feels deeply betrayed. She has lost her father and best friend. This man she has known as an absentee workaholic dad is the husband of a young woman who is thirty years younger than his daughter. To make matters more painful, Gina was pregnant before the wedding and will soon deliver a half brother or sister to Alice. She is devastated. Alice gets a lot of benefit from excellent psychotherapy. She recognizes that her father is a narcissist who was never capable of loving anyone, who doesn't have any psychological boundaries, who goes after what he wants, no matter whom it hurts, including his own daughter.

Alice severs her non-relationship with this man she called dad and her previous friend and his current wife.
As times passes Alice heals, moves through her grief of never having a real dad and is able to put her own life together. This takes time, patience and courage. She renews her relationship with her mother and forgives her for not being strong enough to stand up for herself. Alice is renewing her life on her own terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Learn Detachment from Narcissistic Spouse during Divorce

You have been married to a narcissist for three years, ten years, twenty years or more You have done everything to make it work. The harder you try the greater his reprisals and betrayals. You are weary, bordering on becoming chronically depressed and anxious over this non-relationship. After a last blow up and cruel projection by him, a false accusation that cuts through you---it is reckoning time. You have decided to divorce your narcissistic spouse.

As you prepare by obtaining the finest attorney you can---highly knowledgeable in family law, savvy about human nature, intellectually tough but well contained and highly articulate, you will benefit by learning the art and skill of emotional detachment.

Begin by knowing that most of what this person says to you is a projection coming from his unconscious. It is evidence of his self hatred.  This is ejected on to you. Learn not to take it in by practicing ways to stay in the part of the nervous system that is calming. While he is running about in fight or flight, jarring your nervous system and scrambling your mind, you can practice each day how to stay centered. This is a definite skill and you will become accomplished. There are many avenues to this goal. One is meditation. Make this simple. Take a few minutes each day to sit in quiet where you will not be interrupted. Take several breaths through the nose. Inhale for a few seconds (do what is comfortable to you) hold briefly at the top of the breath, then exhale through the nose. The exhalation is calming so make it a little longer. Do any type of exercise that works for you. Be as consistent as you can. This quiets the nervous system. Then observe your breath as it naturally moves in at the tip of the nostrils and out. If calming music helps you with this process, listen as you meditate. Take a few minutes each day to write down your thoughts and feelings as they spontaneously flow. Writing is a mysterious process--let it go and become itself without any editing on your part. This process is both creative and helps you to distance yourself from the narcissist. Do not engage him unless you have to. Keep interchanges neutral as much as you can. For support go to a couple of friends whom you trust and care about you.

 Do not share any of your plans with this person. He will use them against you. This provides greater psychological distance from the narcissistic spouse. If he goes into his screaming act, picture a two year old in tantrum mode who isn't getting exactly what he wants. Metaphorically---leave him on the floor having one of his fits of rage. You disown this behavior. It is not about you. Be patient and loving with yourself.

I hear good news from the divorce front from women and men who have learned to detach, divorce and free themselves up to lead their own lives. Wishing you all the best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Saturday, September 29, 2012

Narcissistic Mothers Divide and Conquer

Narcissistic mothers are one woman armies of human destruction. They are an elite team of ninja killers of the psyches of their children. One narcissistic mother does more psychological damage than you can imagine. I read and hear life stories every day about those who have survived the narcissistic battles of childhood. One of NM's cruelest tactics is turning one child against the other. She will assure her son that he is the special one and then tell the older daughter that she has been chosen. After all, she is gorgeous, bright and talented. What's not to worship. she pits one child against the other, starting when they are very young. Often she does have a favorite whom she ties to herself psychologically like an appendage.  This child  suffers horribly because he or she cannot separate out from mother, often for life. In other circumstances narcissistic mothers create day by day a budding narcissist who is her perfect reflection.  These children have special privileges like the largest stake in her financial assets. The true golden child learns from mom to taunt and terrorize the other children. Between the two of them, it is a sinister game---a sadistic one.

In these families it is every child for himself. The brother or sister who is savvy and has the opportunity, escapes as early as possible. Some children find other adults whom they trust and help them to move, get jobs, training, go to college, etc.

As the years go by, hatred between the siblings grows and hardens. The narcissistic mother remains Ruler of the dissembling process. Some of her children who are prisoners and possessions, defend her no matter what she has done to them. They are lost souls and will never become individuals in their own right. 

I have discovered many courageous and strong human beings who have survived their narcissistic mothers. I think and feel about them with tenderness and great respect. You are victorious! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Raising Compassionate Children--Non Narcissists

Today we live in a society surrounded by narcissists. Many of them are highly successful in the world and they get what they want by stepping over the needs and vulnerabilities of others. I have seen the psychological and physical health of many undermined by the narcissists in their lives--at home and at work. This is a disgrace. Those who sit by and watch this happen and approve of it quietly are part of the problem. There is a narcissistic style "It's all about me."  "Grab what you can get." "That person is a failure because he or she didn't go to the right schools." "She is so unattractive. What's the matter with her.She needs to lose weight." (This is an indication that this person is defective because she doesn't look perfect.) This is all part of a current mind set that is present in much of our society today. Becoming more powerful by hurting others has become absolutely acceptable in many corporate circles. In fact it is accepted as the only way to function is a ruthless world. The ruthless inherit the earth---I hope not. This cold, cruel disgusting way of treating other people must be stopped by those who see through the delusion of the narcissistic way of life.

This begins with the way we raise our children. Manners and consideration count. This begins early. Parents teach their small children that the feelings of others matter, that those around us--family, friends and those we meet must be treated with respect. I have had experiences and I'm sure you have where an impudent child has blatantly made unkind remarks to me to my face in front of his/her mother. The mother made no correction. She didn't even flinch. In this case the child pointed out some flaw on my face---Was it a pimple, a line, a lack of symmetry. I don't remember. But I was outraged by this total lack of respect and manners on the part of this child who was no longer a baby. This is the mother's fault. She believes that her children are perfect. She is the narcissist, raising children who will carry the imprint of her serious character disorder.

First, we are parents who are aware of others---not just ourselves. Awareness is the key as is compassion. Little children are capable of empathy. We need to tap in to this ability in our children when they are very young. Our children watch us and learn from example but we are required to do more. When they step out of line and are inconsiderate and unkind, this must be pointed out in a reasonable and civil way so that our children learn to always consider the needs of others. As they teaching moments accrue, understand and caring deeply about the feelings of others is internalized in our children. This is a great gift to them that they will carry all of their lives. They will bring this warmth of heart and empathy to everyone who crosses their path.  To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Narcissistic Mothers' Lack of Emotional Attachment

The first stage of growth in the attachment of the newborn to the mother. D.W. Winncott the great psychoanalyst calls this phase the mother's "preoccupation" with her baby. This is an essential process in the baby's secure attachment to mother. The "good enough mother" as he describes it , for this period of time is constantly thinking, feeling and acting through the days and night about her baby. The earliest weeks and months are critical to the babies' physical, mental, and psychological development. There is a special relationship that develops between the two. The father is a vital part of this process. Cuddling, calming, speaking softly, caressing a crying baby, soothing a frightened child is all part of this period. The baby has left the dark safety of the womb and is now exposed to an unknown world filled with sounds, colors, forms, scents, touch---all of this is new to his world. Mother is the one through her attachment to the baby, creates a safe psychological bridge for living in the world.

Children raised by a narcissistic mother don't have this experience. Mother is incapable of attaching to her baby. She may pretend convincingly to others but she has no real feeling. Narcissistic mothers believe they are great mothers and that they can do it all. They count the days when they can return from maternity leave and work during times when their baby needs them desperately.

Some women must work to keep their families together. There is no father. They are the ones who are raising the children, paying the bills and putting food on the table. This is another situation and these women deserve our praise.

The narcissistic mother ignores and neglects her child. Her main focus is on herself.  She spends inordinate amount of time on how she looks which has to be "perfect." Many of these mothers are highly materialistic. What they wear, their external image, their home surroundings--all add up to a perfect image. Narcissistic others are bored with their children. They make no psychological connection with them and discard them.
They pawn them off on baby sitters. Some of them have 24/7 help for their children because they are too busy to take care of them. Children raised in this way do not attach to the mother and have a difficult time attaching to another person. Fortunately, there are instances in which a grand parent or other family member who steps into the mothering role. This can make all the difference.

Some children raise themselves. Some brothers and sisters form their own families and take care of one another. Some children go their own way and survive despite all of the emotional pain and maternal deprivation. Adult children of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy and other healing modalities---gentle yoga, meditation, cardiovascular exercise. Remember, having a narcissistic mother is not your fault. You are a separate individual and deserve to lead your life in freedom and creativity. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Narcissists play "I' have Changed" Card

One of the repetitive themes that runs through the cycle of abuse with the narcissistic spouse is: "I have changed. I want you back. I am a different person now."  This works very well for many narcissists. They are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them. She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believe that this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset you have. Another reason is that he doesn't want to go through a divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs. He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the surface he is still leading a secret life. 

Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don't let the narcissistic spouse back into your life. You don't deserve this abuse and exploitation. Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be restored. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Monday, September 24, 2012

You are the Narcissist's Possession

"Casting one's lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are invaded...The narcissist  creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates, treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own personality."(Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

Narcissists are driven to have what they want and must have regardless of the  people whom they ruthlessly push aside (even their small children) lie to, cheat, psychologically abuse, trick or cause psychological and physical harm. They are bulldozers, juggernauts, human tsunamis.  You can't win with a narcissistic spouse unless you fuse with them and allow them to eclipse your inner world of creativity and freedom and go along for all of the perks and material upsides of one who is rising in power and financial assets. Some spouses choose that direction. There is so much to gain by having the next lovely object---a special article of clothing, an irresistible piece of jewelry, a perfectly designed home, a grand trip, the prestige to be married to a man or woman who is sought after as a very special person in the world. This is so tempting to many spouses that they can't say 'No".  The deeper and closer the fusion with the narcissistic spouse the less capacity to individuate out as a separate person who is free to be genuine and to use their creative gifts and full potential.

Some spouses decide that they must sever this pathological relationship. Many of them do it for their children. They recognize the damage that staying with the narcissistic spouse is doing each day. They make the decision to divorce. This is a difficult process with a narcissist but they are up for the fight. They have confidence in themselves, have chosen an excellent, bright, fearless attorney who knows how narcissists operate. In the aftermath the spouse, now free from bondage, is free to renew his/her own life and the endless opportunities that it holds. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Step Out Of Your Narcissistic Sister's Shadow

In narcissistic families some children are more "equal" than others, even "superior." Of course this is not true; it is a delusion, a tale of parental narcissistic psychopathology. When we are very young we are helpless and must do whatever we can to survive. Some kids play the game; some know how to be skilled actors; others hide and wither. If you have lived in the deep shadow of your sister's pathological narcissism, you have weathered great emotional and psychological pain. Very likely one of your parents was a narcissist. In many instances it is the narcissistic mother who chooses her favorite child to carry the family banner of perfection. She has picked the one who will give her the most narcissistic supplies and bragging, bravado. She will wear the family coat of arms and be crowned as royalty. This child can do no wrong and is given no limits of behavior. As a result this golden sister does not develop a conscience or empathy or compassion. she may be sadistic and enjoy causing you emotional pain. She gets you in trouble with her lies. Mother believes her because they are psychologically fused with one another. This ghastly delusional arrangement can move all the way into adulthood.

At some point many of these victims of the narcissistic sister decide they are carrying too much pain. They can no longer endure it. They have tried everything to be accepted by their narcissistic mother and sister. But nothing ever works (and it never will--That's how serious disturbed these individuals are. You have the insight and know that you will now sever this relationship with narcissistic mother and her twin the narcissistic sister. You will no longer be living in her shadow.

Many individuals in this situation move forward to separate from this pathological family origin with the help of excellent psychotherapy and other healing methods that include gentle yoga, meditation, finding supportive friends, using your creative gifts and watching them blossom in full light. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, September 21, 2012

Children of Narcissists Have a Right to Heal

So many adult children of narcissistic mothers and/or fathers hold on to their suffering---not on purpose but unconsciously because that has been their reality all of their lives. From the time they could barely walk and talk they were psychologically bruised and bloodied by the narcissistic parent. Every day there was a new accusation, a criticism that cut through to the bone, a smirk that said: "You are worthless; I wish you had never been born." "Why can't you be like your brilliant older sister who gets all A's." "You have an uneven nose and  thin lips. We'll  have to take you to a plastic surgeon later on so you don't embarrass the family."
"Sometimes you smell; it disgusts me." And on and on---an endless road of insults that wound the heart and shake the nerves. Yet you have survived this gulag of abuse. That is a great accomplishment and you have done it with you humanity intact.

Know that you have a right to heal----completely. You can disengage yourself from all of the cruel, malicious  blows of your narcissistic parent. You don't have to carry these burdens any longer. Begin by recognizing that although you share the DNA of your narcissistic parent, you are a separate individual. You are entitled to develop all of your talents and gifts fully. You are entitled to feel a deep inner peace and a love for yourself. You are entitled to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. You have a separate life that is precious. You are entitled to resurrect your humor, the sing when you feel happy, to embrace others, to be spontaneous, to live fully in this moment.  Some children of narcissistic parents benefit from psychotherapy.Do the research and make sure that your therapist is highly trained, devoted to her/his clients and very empathic. Make sure you don't sense a money motive and especially check it out to rule out a narcissistic psychotherapist. They are out there, victimizing vulnerable clients. There are many healing pathways. Find the ones that work for you--gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, creative endeavors that put you in touch with the unlimited use of your imagination. Some form of exercise is very valuable in keeping your body strong, your nerves quiet and your mind clear. Become aware of the precious moment: the tiny sound of the hummingbird over your head--greeting you, the wind wafting through your nostrils, the full smile of a happy baby, the warm hug of  a friend, the moon at night darting in and out of the clouds. the lake of stars above like a diamond tiara----endless moments of beauty. You can and will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Narcissists' Fake Smiles Give Them Away

The sooner you recognize a narcissist whether it is a prospective spouse or a member of your family the better. I have been noticing recently the facial expressions that narcissists often make. One in particular is the phony smile and the hollow laugh.  The mouth turns up but it is forced.. The eyes don't contain any feeling. With a genuine smile the entire face--eyes and mouth especially light up and create a dynamic sense of joy, of letting go, of  aliveness and humor. The true smile engages us. We become at one with the person who is offering it to us. There is a deep communication that takes place when a wonderful person lays a special smile on us. We feel it deeply and it resonates inside of us for a long time.

The narcissist is a false self, incapable of being genuine. It makes sense that he/she is not able to express himself with a real smile.

Babies smile very early--even in the first weeks of their lives. Their eyes engage us and their tiny rose bud mouths spread beautifully to communicate their joy. This is a precious gift. I always feel so grateful when a baby chooses to smile at me. I feel that life is better in that moment and I treasure it.

Watch for the fake forced smile and the hollow laugh of the narcissist. They give themselves away every time.  To learn about many other attributes of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Parents Sabotage their Children

By definition sabotage is a "treacherous action." Treachery when perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It is beyond ruthlessness. 

Growing up in a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day. The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities. Some children were fortunate to have a grand parent who would give them times of respite.
Some children who have this experience are in a constant state of anxiety--fight or flight syndrome.

The narcissist--mother or father or both rule the household. Screams and demands--slaps and threats can be heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don't love their children. They use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected  or  treated abysmally. Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sense of self, to conceal their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.

Adult children continue to heal through skilled psychotherapy and many forms of bringing the body/mind back into balance: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, full use of your creativity. You can heal. You will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Narcissistic Mother's Corrosive Envy of their Daughters aughters ers

Narcissistic mothers know that they are superior to everyone else, especially their daughters. If you are the daughter you felt your mother appraising you very early and finding you wanting. She picked away at your self confidence. Her tone of voice was demeaning. She never approved of you. You may have been beautiful, bright, talented or not unusual on the exterior. This would not have mattered. She was in competition with you from the beginning. Some narcissistic mothers resent how much attention the her husband, the new father,is giving to his baby daughter.  If the bond is loving and close, she becomes incensed. As you grow she tells lies about you, enunciating long lists of your many transgressions and cruelties. Your narcissistic mom lied about you all of the time. She wished that you never existed. You were her immediate rival for dad's attention and the entire world. In private these mothers humiliate, intimidate and terrorize their daughters, seeking submission and blind obedience. In many cases they achieve this. The daughter is psychologically immobilized and unable to activate her gifts. She is frightened all of the time that mother will take revenge if she reveals her real self or speaks openly about her feelings. The homes of these daughters become prisons--at times a form of solitary confinement.

When daughters of narcissistic mothers grow up and become teenagers and young women, the NM vies for the attention of the young men who come to visit. She may even become seductive with the daughter's male friends and proposition them. In some ugly scenes the young fellow goes along and has a sexual fling with the narcissistic mom. The humiliation and horror of discovering your mother's breach of morality and her complete betrayal of her maternal role is emotionally intolerable. The narcissistic mother has no conscience--when she wants something or someone, she goes after it. This woman is a narcissistic personality who is not going to change. Think carefully about your options. You can sever this pathological relationships. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Don't Go Over the Falls for a Narcissist

Narcissists watch out for number one--themselves. Remember, in the back of their minds they know they can replace you with someone else. They have those in reserve who worship at their altar. Narcissists are incapable of emotional intimacy. They are highly gifted at playing the role of the deeply caring, highly engaged and smitten partner. In the early stages of a romance, the dice are hot. They are feeling very attracted to you and it is mutual. This is the chemistry phase which is very exciting and addictive. Having a handsome, compelling, bright, seductive narcissistic man come on to you like you are the most precious living thing on the planet is an absolute thrill that reverberates throughout your system. You become obsessed with being with him all of the time. And you interpret that the feelings are mutual. For a while they might be. But this is transient for the narcissist. Once the pull of the initial sexual chemistry has run its course, he is going to move on.  The problem is that you have fallen in love with this man and want to share your life with him. You are willing to do anything to keep this ecstatic mode going. Meanwhile, he has cooled off. You are in denial because you are not aware of the duplicitous nature of the narcissistic personality. I have heard too many life stories of women (and men) who are caught in this spiral of obsession. They become psychologically fused and forget that their own life matters.

I say don't go over the Falls for a narcissist. Pull yourself back from the edge before you have to go through the suffering that these individuals cause by simply throwing people away. Remember they are incapable of love. You are----and are entitled to have a genuine, intimate emotional and psychological union with someone who is worthy of you. To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don't Blame Yourself for Your Narcissistic Parents

Some victims of narcissistic parents--mother or father or both, blame themselves for not being perfect. They live the guilt of not meeting their parents' expectations. These demands and expectations on the part of narcissistic parents are delusional. Even if you had reached perfection by their standards it would never have satisfied them. As the child of a narcissistic mother or father you remember that making your greatest efforts to satisfy their demands and wishes was never enough. You were criticized, demeaned and humiliated. Even when you had straight A's in school they chided you for not participating in enough extracurricular activities or being alone. It was always something. They would always finding a way of pulling you down.

Many victims of narcissistic parents still feel haunted by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults. Some of these adult children make the decision to sever their relationship from the narcissistic parent. They cannot and will no longer tolerate this level of verbal abuse and their collusion with other relatives to ruin your reputation with others.

You have a unique individual life that belongs to you--You are many talents and gifts that you can use to enrich your life. You have opportunities for loving relationships with those who will care deeply about you and love you for yourself. Think about this---You can be free. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Narcissistic Psychotherapists Damage Their Patients

There are many psychotherapists who are highly skilled, ethical, moral and empathic. I am talking about the exceptions--the narcissistic psychotherapist. In many cases they are highly recommended and have sterling academic and clinical credentials. I have been recommended to several throughout the years who were classic narcissists. They had very successful practices, had published in many of the finest clinical journals, were held in high esteem by their colleagues and had a huge following for seminars, books and professional events. A narcissist garbed in this impressive academic and clinical package is highly convincing, especially if the patient has severe emotional and psychological symptoms that are disrupting his daily working and personal life.

Narcissistic psychotherapists know how to become indispensable to you. You are ready to become dependent because you have traveled a long painful road through horrendous symptoms--deep depression, frequent severe mood swings, phobias, unyielding anxiety. No one has been able to give you any relief. When a "gifted" narcissistic therapist takes you on as a patient, you are in for a ride--a very bumpy one. You may feel very attracted to this therapist and that draws you in closer. You become willing to listen and internalize whatever they say. You believe it is the truth about yourself.

In some cases these highly trained professionals are projecting their unconscious thoughts, impulses, hidden traumas, etc on to you. With all of their formal work---they do not know themselves. They have no acquaintance with their unconscious.. They are in deep denial. The psychotherapist role for them has become strictly a business. It is the money making and prestige that makes them tick, not the welfare of their patients.

Remember that a narcissist, regardless of his/her title, training or experience has certain indelible traits---self absorption, grandiosity or its opposite--phoney humility, lack of empathy, deceitfulness, eploitativeness, extreme self entitlement, feelings of superiority.  To protect yourself from narcissistic psychotherapists of all kinds, study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Covert Narcissists--Making You Feel Guilty

True holiness is rare and sublime. It is based on a deep inner core of compassion, empathy and true selflessness. The person traveling the spiritual road each day comes without fanfare or entourage. He lives simply with ego dropped. He is flexible and open and has a great sense of humor.

A type of covert narcissist is the one who wears the martyr's crown and dresses in sackcloth and ashes.
He/she demonstrates externally how devoted he is to helping others, being exceedingly moral, putting others before himself, self sacrifice with complaint. This is the external image which is often very convincing with friends, acquaintances and family members.

When you encounter a pseudo holy covert narcissist one on one, they will attempt to activate feelings of guilt in you. They remind you from years past of some misstep you made, an insensitive remark you made, a foolish small oversight. They tell you to ask for forgiveness from the person you "harmed" but also from God. You deserve to be punished from their point of view. They impose their beliefs on you and if their personality is forceful enough, you feel guilty and inadequate. They create many victims including their children who experience great shame. With children this is a form of brainwashing. The child believes that there is something intrinsically bad about him. Fortunately, in many cases children grow up to recognize that their parent was misguided. Many benefit from psychotherapy which helps clients to look into themselves, to understand the projections imposed on them by the covert narcissistic parent. The covert narcissist in any role in your life is always projecting his/her unconscious toxic contents on to you. Remember this--It is vital information when you are interacting with a narcissist.

The take away is to learn to respect and protect yourself, to trust your perceptions, insights and intuitions. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Sociopathic Narcissistic Mothers Have No Mercy

Did you look into the eyes of your sociopathic narcissistic mother and feel the full force of her hatred?  Were you nauseated by her touch, her smell? Did she constantly threaten to harm you? Did she watch every move you made so that she could pounce like a wild animal? Did she make fun of you in front of your brothers and sisters and other family members? Did she tell you that you were ugly and she was ashamed of you? These and thousands more of horrific questions are still heard and felt loudly in the minds, bodies and psyches of  children of sociopathic narcissistic mothers. These are not exaggerations. I have heard and read these life stories and innumerable variations of them too many times not to know that this is absolutely true. When you see the intolerable pain in the faces of those who have been tormented in this way and hear the faint whimper and terror in their voices you know they have suffered intolerably. They have been treated without mercy.

I have a special place inside for children who have suffered so severely. I am moved by their courage to survive each day and to finally prevail. To seek good professional help that can help them to heal. To practice healing modalities like gentle yoga, different forms of meditation, jounaling, spending time with Nature and animals, to build loving relationships with individuals whom they can trust. Often those those have been treated without mercy are compassionate and empathic individuals. You can and will heal. It is your destiny to be whole and experience deep inner peace and to express your creativity fully. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Unwanted Mutilated Child of Narcissistic Mother

When you look into the eyes of a child of a narcissistic mother, the pain is so intense you cannot bear it. Imagine what that human being across from you is experiencing all of the time--since the beginning of her/his life. Some children of narcissists are so psychologically numb that they cannot feel this pain because it would crush them completely. Rather, they harm themselves. Some become anorexic and control the one thing they can--what they put in their mouths.  Others turn to high risk relationships with sadistic partners who beat them up psychologically and physically. Some make small cuts in their flesh in inconspicuous secret places to release their unbearable feelings.

Many of these adult children  tell you over and over again how much they love their mothers. It is confounding but not surprising. They have identified with their life aggressor, the person who birthed them and  then did everything possible to destroy them. Narcissistic mothers adore their golden children--the ones that are very attractive, extroverted, overly confident, great performers. They detest their child who is not as physically attractive, a loner and thinker, quiet, sensitive, introverted.

In many cases the unwanted psychologically abused child goes through her life "adoring" mother and hating herself. She is fused with a mother and trapped in a state of self loathing. This is tragic and true.

There are other children who awaken to the true nature of their narcissistic mother---feel her mortal danger to them, know that she will never love them and will not stop torturing them. They take the ride of their insight and finally acknowledge that they never had a real mother--but a monster, a psychological killer.

There are many life stories of those who have broken these horrendous chains of abuse, who have worked through their feelings of self hatred, shame and loathing and have emerged to recognize, feel and celebrate their true natures. You deserve our special love and respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com