Monday, July 30, 2012

Protecting Yourself from Irresistible Narcissists

When a very handsome man or woman walks into a room, heads still turn. Image matters too much. But it is palpable and effects our psychophysiological reactions. If this person is a narcissist the magnetic pull is so great that we keep looking at this person, hoping we will be chosen. In addition if he is highly successful with full command of himself, we are drawn with an increasing pull. This is all part of being human. Beauty and extraordinary handsomeness pull us strongly. Don't be surprised when you r--aleact this way. Don't blame yourself. But learn how to identify who this person really is---Could he be a narcissistic personality. I know of individuals who have been drawn into relationships with narcissists too many times to count. They have suffered immeasurably but they continue their cycle of pain.

Each narcissist has his own style--a label, a patina, an imprint. The grandiose very successful narcissist is extroverted, fully confident. He knows how you are reacting to him and continues his penetrating looks at you. He verbally and nonverbally tells you he wants you. He makes promises that you believe. He casts his spell and you feel drawn in as if you are in a light trance or slightly tipsy. It is so easy to leave that part of you that cautions: "No" "Wait" until you know this person better. Be aware of how you react to these individuals and become savvy about your vulnerabilities. Learn to step back, do your research on the classic narcissist.

The narcissistic personality has become ubiquitous in our current society---almost the norm in some circles. Beneath it all the narcissist is a sham, a fraud, a false self. You are genuine and have real feelings. The narcissist is a fine actor that knows how to imitate feelings. The only feelings he has are those of his perfection, superiority and extreme self entitlement. The time always comes when the narcissist shows his shadow side, that part of him that is filled with volcanic rage, tells as easily as he breathes, demeans and humiliate others (that will eventually include you) and takes everything for himself and without conscience, never looks back.

Become very familiar with this personality. It is worth all of the research. You will avoid a lot of emotional and psychological pain. Learn to appreciate who you are---your empathy, creative gifts, your kindness and tenderness, the long road  you have travelled to seek the truth. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Narcissists--Taking Your Life Away

"The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone...All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive..."  (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).
The narcissist's charm, the way he zeros in on you, appears to read your mind and knows exactly what you want and need is truly remarkable. Narcissists are gifted at the chase. Once they decide they want you in their lives it is very difficult to say "no".  You have no idea what will happen to you down the road because you have been hypnotized by his charm, his focus on you, the way he makes you feel.

There is the real narcissist beneath the irresistible facade--the highly developed false self.  Eventually if you stay with a narcissist long enough----marry one, have children with them--you will encounter the dark side just beneath the surface. Here there is seething rage, criticisms that cut to the bone, demands that can never be met, humiliations that no one should ever endure, threats to take away your children and to ruin you financially. Yes, that is what is waiting beneath the seductive smile that promises you everything.

Ultimately, staying with a narcissistic spouse means that you are eclipsing your life. Some spouses make this agreement and decide that they have gone down this road so far that they cannot turn back. The lifestyle is what attracts and sustains them. However, they become psychological prisoners of the narcissistic spouse.
Your life is not your own even if you are able to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. He is always on your mind. There is no real solitude or peace. You deserve to lead your own life despite your marriage or partnership. One road to your freedom is to study the narcissistic personality in-depth. This will reveal a very different story and wake you up. You are entitled to use all of your creative gifts, to expand you individuality not contract to fit someone else's vision. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Custody Battles with Narcissists--Not About the Children

When the narcissistic spouse realizes that he is going to have to divide up the assets, he is in a fury and will find every way to take revenge. One horrendous plan is to seek custody of the children and continue a battle and series of skirmishes that can go on for over a decade. I have seen this happen. If he has the money and assets on his side he is well lawyered up. Be prepared for this battle beforehand. Choose the best attorney you possibly can. Make sure that this person understands the narcissistic personality.  Your soon to be ex-husband doesn't give a damn about the children. They have always been part of his image or narcissistic supply. Now---he rides in on a white horse and decides that he is "perfect dad."  He convinces some of your friends that this is the case and bad mouths with despicable lies. Those who believe his lies should not be a part of your life. Create a support system you can trust and count on. Don't be intimidated. Learn as much as you can about the narcissistic personality---This is power! You will rise to the occasion. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, July 23, 2012

Covert Narcissist Plays the Martyr

Covert Narcissists convincingly play the part of the victim. Some of them become the "martyr" as an ultimate way of controlling others-- especially their spouses. How can someone raise their voice to a person is hurting so much. CNs move back and forth in this role depending on how well it is working for them. In effect they blame their spouse for the very cruelties that they have perpetrated. A CN can be screaming ugly epithets at you one moment and convincingly asking you showing that they have been severely emotionally hurt by you the next moment. This is particularly the case when they are under a lot of pressure, when you have decided to divorce them and are moving for a settlement. They play the victim role to the hilt. They tell family members, your friends, everyone in reach how badly you have treated them, about your monstrous cruelties, your insensitivity and lack of empathy, your emotional coldness. This martyr role is convincing on a lot of people in your social circle. They are playing the victimized good guy who has been emotionally harmed by you. When a divorce is in process, this ploy can be very effective. Do not be surprised at the lengths the CN will go to convincing others that you are the villain because you are breaking up the family.
In some cases the spouses stops in her tracks and decides to make a try a couples therapy and fight to get the marriage on track. That's how powerful their method acting can be. Never be fooled. This is a narcissistic personality who is playing one of his best cards--the good guy, great husband and ultimate martyr. You know differently. You remember the horrible cruelties visited on you by this toxic narcissist. You have lived behind closed doors with this person and been the victim of his manipulations, accusations, criticisms and exploitations. Hold on to the truth. Do not be swayed. You are entitled to lead your own life and be free of your covert narcissistic spouse. Remember that this personality disorder does not change. Some divorcing spouses benefit from high quality psychotherapy. De your research and choose the right therapist for you. Begin to think about yourself first. Leave the CN with his worn out act behind.

Lead the life that you deserve.Now you are free to think you own thoughts, have your feelings and use all of your creative gifts. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Narcissistic Mothers--No Psychological Attachment with Daughters

Maternal psychological attachment is the secure, loving bond that the mother forms with her baby. This provides the child with a feeling of safety and predictability. Mother becomes the child's psychological home base. Narcissistic mothers do not bond with their children. They are incapable of forming a genuine relationship. Their focus is on themselves. They may go through the motions but their feelings are not invested in their infant. In some instances if the narcissistic mother has chosen a particular child to use as a narcissistic supply then she will become a puppet in the mother's hands.

Daughters of narcissists talk and write about how coldly and dismissively they were treated as children and adults. Mother was the Queen Bee; she always came first. She had no way of attuning to the needs of her child. Being a mother was  an encumbrance to her, a burden. Some narcissistic mothers are so cruel and vain that they were sorry they ever had children who kept their figure from remaining perfect or took time away from their personal enjoyments, trips, shopping, professional advancement.

As a result daughters of narcissistic mothers have not bonded with their mothers. Some of them find that their father is the one to whom they can attach. Others look to siblings who serve in the maternal role. Others have no one and simply grow up psychologically on their own. They may have every material advantage in the world but they don't have a real mother. 

Lack of maternal attachment can cause problems with daughters later on in their intimate relationships. They tend to pick men who are not protective of them, who are unstable and abusive. They don't feel worthy of being in a relationship with someone who is capable of loving them.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are capable of attaching to others and forming deep relationships. This is often possible through the hard work they have done with themselves and through excellent psychotherapy. Part of the healing here is in recognizing that your mother was incapable of psychological attachment, that this was not a reflection of your worthiness or value as an individual and that you are highly capable of loving other human beings deeply. You are not your narcissistic mother. You are yourself--a unique wonderful human being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Narcissistic Partners Reel You Back in Every Time

There is a dance that narcissists and their partners perform over and over again. You have gone through the initial "falling in love or lust" period.  You know that this is the "One" you want to spend your life with. There is no question in your mind. You have succumbed to him and can't let go. He appears to adore you and is making all the right moves. But something goes very wrong in this deluded paradise. He starts his picking arguments, make cruel remarks, lashes out at you for no reason. You make excuses and say to yourself that he is under too much pressure. You try harder and things go smoothly for a while. Then it starts up again---the demands, screaming fits, accusations out of nowhere, humiliations in front of your friends. You are confused and very hurt. Now you know that this is not going to work. Then there is a rapprochement---a deep understanding ( from your perspective) He is sorry. He makes promises to be different. He realizes he has been wrong and wants you back. He may even weep convulsively. You believe him and take him back. You find out he has been lying to you and leads more than one life. He compartmentalizes his life. Maybe he isn't even divorced yet. You find out and are shocked and highly distressed. You can't sleep at night and have trouble working -------but again he comes back and snares you again. Do you want to continue to live like this???? Is it worth it to be going up and down on this out of control teeter totter? 

Think about it carefully. He is a narcissistic personality. He is not going to change--ever! Why should he. Perfection is his middle name and he can easily replace you. That's what narcissists do. You can retrieve back your life by researching the narcissistic personality and by going no contact with this Janus faced scoundrel. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Narcissists--Possessed by Their Possessions

Image is the narcissist's reality. He builds this up throughout his life. How he appears to others is critical to his sense of self. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. His inner life is bleak. He has no internal psychological resources. Many narcissists are obsessed with obtaining material things---cars, houses, clothing of the highest quality.Everything that they touch must be special since they view themselves as perfect. Go into a restaurant with a narcissist and you will him giving the server the third degree unless he is in a familiar haunt where he is treated like royalty. Narcissists treat those in what he would consider "inferior positions" ---real working people--like dirt. This is one of the red flags of narcissism--how a person treats those who do not have the education, money, social or professional status they have. I am always astounded by those who firmly believe they are better than someone else----Really!!! How infantile--How Narcissistic!

His external environment must be beyond perfection. He's like the old nursery rhyme Sing a Song of Six Pence: "The King was in his counting house, counting out his money..."
Narcissists are always counting and appraising their possessions---even their wives. Yes, if you are married to a narcissist you are a possession--a very valuable one that is part of his perfect image. It is essential that wives of narcissists keep themselves looking and acting that way or they will be replaced. Even if you remain is wife, the narcissist will not be faithful to you. Compartmentalizing women is part of their MO. They love the thrill of possessing more than one woman at a time.

How long are you willing to give up your life to the narcissist---to dance to his choreography, to bow to his highness, to be screamed at incessantly, to always be wrong (when you are right) to be blamed for everything, even a rain shower, to be kept up at night because you are too stressed to sleep because you don't know when or where the next blow is coming from? Are you willing to risk you physical and psychological health? Many women do. I hear from them and some remain the narcissistic spouses' possession.

Think about the value of your life as an individual. Speak to your intuition and listen carefully for an answer. Talk to someone whom you trust completely. Be kind to yourself and begin to make a plan of action. You will prevail. You are not possessed by anyone. You are a unique human being of great value. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Monday, July 16, 2012

Narcissistic Mothers--Cruelties that Linger

Growing up the daughter or son of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult roles in life. These non mothers cause both emotional and psychological abuse as well as maternal deprivation. These women can't mother. They suffer from a severe personality disorder that is fixed and will likely never change.  It is unfortunate that they become mothers in the first place. In some cases the father takes the role of both parents and the children bond with him and receive affection and love from this person. We only need one parent and often dad is the one.  Some children are raised by a grandparent who takes on the mothering role.

Narcissistic mothers are very mean in different ways. Some of them completely ignore their children and treat them like servants, making them become little adults very early---learning how to cook, clean and fetch and carry anything mama wants and needs on the spot. These women often scream incessantly at their children and are not above cuffing them in the face when their low impulse control takes over. They are never sorry. They put on the perfect act in public and neighbors and friends often think they are wonderful mothers. Cruelties, maternal deprivation, deceitfulness, turning one child against another--you name it and they perpetrate these unspeakable deeds and emotional wounds upon their children. These psychological wounds linger in the mind and heart for children of narcissistic mothers. However, there are many who heal. They permanently break the tie literally and emotionally with their non-mother. Some of them find healing through excellent psychotherapy and learning to get out of the fight or flight mode through gentle hatha yoga and meditation and other healing modalities. Some of the most compassionate individuals I have known are children of narcissistic mothers. Always take good care of yourself, cherish your kindness and feel your heart open. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Narcissistic Control Freak Mothers

Is your mother a narcissist? Is she cold, cruel and controlling? Did she demean, demand and humiliate you? If you answer "yes" to these questions, I honor your emotional and psychological survival with  this non-parent.

Stage Center---the NCFM.This woman tries and often succeeds in orchestrating and diverting your life form the beginning. She is incapable of attuning to your emotional needs. She never listens (except to her own life.) She hovers over you like a hawk in the sky, watching every move. You do things her way or else you will be punished severely. The NCFM has extreme boundary issues. Your needs are ignored and dismissed. She constantly intrudes on your privacy and is continually interrogating you about where you went, with whom, what was said, etc. 

Some children secretly rebel from the NCF mothers by concealing their true feelings and actions.  This is tough since the NCF mama has the eagle eye on you. With a NCF  mother you are feeling invaded by them constantly.  It is exhausting and disturbing. These children are always on guard. They never rest. They are in a state of fight or flight day and night.  NCF mothers don't change---they are fixed personality disorders. They do not seek psychotherapy because they think they are perfect and everyone else is flawed.

You can make the decision to sever yourself from your narcissistic mother. This can be a painful turn in the road. You may think that if you do everything to please your CFN mother, she will change her attitude toward you. This is not going to happen.  She may throw you a few bouquets---but her true character will always reveal itself to you.

To protect yourself and to separate and grow as an individual, research the narcissistic personality in-depth. You deserve to lead your own life, to develop all of your unique capacities and to live with deep inner peace. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Narcissist's Paranoid Core

"Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies." (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don't want anyone to know their secrets.

Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust--which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.


Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them---their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don't give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of "good father."

Despite their success professionally in the world, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn't feel safe or cherished for himself. This is tragic.

The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist. Study the personality traits and recognize the red flags of the narcissistic personality. Trust your genuine self always to know the truth about the nature of these pathological individuals. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Thursday, July 12, 2012

Haunting Abuse of Narcissistic Mother

The narcissistic mother abuses her children by her presence alone. She is cold, disingenuous, hyper critical, emotionally unavailable, completely self absorbed and unempathic. Babies immediately know who their mother really is. Babies of narcissistic mothers internally know that their mother is incapable of loving them of caressing them of holding and bonding with them. They feel this deep inside although they are too young to speak or even think rationally because they are too young. As the child of the narcissistic mother grows, this woman has a stronger grip on her child. She has high expectations especially if you are the chosen golden child. She doesn't care how you are feelings and thinking. She has plans for you. You must become a doctor, an attorney, a CEO--You must rise to the heights or you are a failure. She fuses with you psychologically. You cannot get away from her. Even when she is not present in the room you feel her tugging at you, criticizing you--forcing you to go in the direction she has chosen for you. Growing up with a narcissistic mother it is difficult to maintain your own thoughts and feelings. That's how much she has taken over. She decides who your friends should be. She meddles in your life on every level.

The child who is discarded by the narcissistic mother is ignored and often scoffed at or even laughed at. He or she is compared with the golden child and always comes up wanting. "Why can't you be bright like your brother." "You are stupid and lazy. I have always known that about you." You will always be a failure. You should be ashamed of yourself."  These psychological blows are unrelenting. These children are always suffering under the heel of the cruelty of the narcissistic mother.

The golden child is psychologically fused with the narcissistic mother and is revered and even considered as some kind of deity. 

As you grow up you try to undo the shackles of the narcissistic mother. This is a very difficult thing to do. You are already enmeshed with her. You have a love/hate relationship with her. It's not real love; it is an obligation and a kind of imprisonment.

These forms of psychological haunting can go on for generations until someone breaks the pattern. Will you be the one who will or has done this. There are daughters and sons of narcissistic others who have freed themselves from their bonds. They are leading their own lives on their terms. They have permanently disengaged from the cruel matriarch of their recurrent nightmares. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy, healing modalities like gentle yoga, walking or sitting meditation, health enhancing exercise and good diet, etc.Take heart. You can change this horrific pattern. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Covert Narcissists--The Smile that Bloodies You

It can take a very long time before you recognize that a family member or a spouse is a covert narcissist. Don't blame yourself--these are the toughest narcissists to deal with. They appear as such good people, just simple folks who believe that you are wonderful--that's what they tell you when they are not pecking on your head. They go back and forth with their compliments and assaults. They have their act of pseudo empathy down to a fine art. They ask how you are doing and its sounds like they mean it. Then come the barbs. If you share any emotional pain with them, watch out. How could your experience be any worse than someone else's. They pretend to take the higher ground by letting you know that nothing and no one can get them down. That makes them feel superior to you and you can feel the twinge of humiliation and not being good or strong enough. Remember---they always have an agenda--to make you feel small, inadequate, incompetent, a failure at life. If they are heavily into looking perfect, they make sure that they show up look fabulous when they know that you are in your old clothes, hair uncombed, sans makeup and wrinkles unconcealed. They love to pop in on you in this way--Just checking-- knowing that you are the slob who is getting old and no one wants. They flash you a smile--it's actually a smirk--They are completely self satisfied. They have triumphed over you. They have been waiting all of their lives to defeat you. This is especially the case with narcissistic brothers and sisters and narcissistic mothers.

They tell you about their careers in a humble way and make sure they give you a final cruel blow--usually one sentence that tells you that they are moving and shattering the glass ceilings of the world. If you talk about problems, don't expect any kindness. They are either mute or they will dress you down by telling you not to dwell on it, to minimize your tragedies. After all they have slain all of their dragons. What's the matter with you?

Meanwhile, CNs spend their lives ruthlessly destroying the lives of others. They are merciless in making their professional climbs. They mow down anyone who is in their way. They don't raise their children or care about them in the least. Their kids are the external evidence of a great persona. They are part of the stage setting.

You don't deserve to be treated in this demeaning manner. It doesn't matter if this person is a family member or not. You are entitled to have peace, to continue to grow psychologically and to have people around you whom you trust and who care about you deeply. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: llmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, July 6, 2012

Seductive Narcissistic Mothers

There are narcissistic mothers who adore their sons---too much. Their son becomes  a psychological possession of the mother. Father is left out of the triangle. Often the marriage was poor to begin with. Mother had always ruled over her husband. She emasculated him from the moment they were married. Many men put up with this kind of treatment because they feel weak and inadequate with such an overwhelming wife and partner.

The seductive narcissistic mother believes that her son is the second coming. There is nothing she won't do for him. Her caresses are too long. Her inquiries about his private life are highly invasive. She sits too close to her son. He feels uncomfortable but very special. The other children that come along might as well be orphans. Mother pays no attention to them. If there are nannies they do the mothering. Mother grooms her son to become a narcissist. He is golden from the beginning. No one corrects his obnoxious behavior. He can have whatever he wants. Being cruel to his brothers and sister is completely ignored. Mother psychologically fuses with her "boy" and has no private life of her own. These mothers are overly interested in their son's sexual development during adolescence. They would never admit that they are turned on and want him as a sexual partner. Although nothing happens between the two of them, the mother's sexual vibe is always there directed at him. The budding narcissistic son both loves and hates his mother. He hates her because she possesses him and loves her because that is all he knows.

These mothers do great damage to their sons. When they marry they can never find a woman to replace "mother."  Many of them go through several marriages--no one woman will do. Many narcissistic sons are great womanizers--proving to themselves that they are manly conquerors of women. Deep down they feel impotent and empty. No matter what they do in life, deep inside they cannot be themselves. Mother is the possessor of their psyche. To learn about the psychopathology of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Narcissistic Style Permeates Current Society

Narcissists surround us every day---in our homes, at work, at social events, in the media that rewards and echos them. There are exceptions---individuals who are rare, empathic, compassionate, unmaterialistic, unselfish. They don't make judgements about how you look--how fat, trim or round you figure, the tightness of your jaw, whether your eyes are crinkled in laugh lines of decades of living, what you are wearing--Is it new and expensive?  Where are you traveling next? Did your children get into a top university--If not they are failures as are you.

I see homes that are impeccable. There is no sign of habitation. The people who live in these housese are not truly alive. I look into their faces and I see a bleak vacancy, blank eyes without feeling, a frightfully pasted on smile (with perfect white teeth). God help you if you age naturally. There are parts of this country where aging is not allowed. You must get a face lift, be regularly botoxed, fractionally laserized, etc.

The narcissistic style has taken over much of this country. No one talks about it openly but it is omnipresent.
I had a woman ask me if I thought she lived in the right zip code. Inwardly, I gasped. She had purchased a home in a very fine neighborhood but this wasn't good enough for her. I asked myself---What the hell is going on here????  How is it that the material, the surface, the veneer is now passing for reality and meaning.

There are tremendous exceptions---people who do not make judgments based on someone's age, looks, quality of clothing or lack thereof, schools attended or not attended, proper family backgrounds, social circles, etc.

Those who strut the narcissistic style are oblivious to everyone but those in their tight circles. They are dizzy with their worldly power and the thrill that it gives them to acquire things---the obsession with getting more and more. An endless addiction to Having that cannot be quelled.  Deep inside these people are so psychologically empty, they cannot be with themselves. They project their self hatred on to others. They look down upon those who have not succeeded as inferior. "They have been foolish, made stupid mistakes. it is all their fault."  Did anyone hear about tragedy striking a person, a family, brothers, sisters----everything getting wiped out.  Those who have a crumb of care left about those who can barely hold their head above water need to tune in to the suffering that is all around us and reach out their hands. A dear friend of mine was recently leaving a party. As she went to her car, she saw a stranger picking over garbage. She asked: "Are you hungry?" The man said "yes".  She gave him a large bag of delicious ribs and fixings. He said "thank you.". This is typical of my friend's behavior in all areas of her life. She has a different style---a loving all encompassing way of including others in her life, friends and strangers, knowing when they need help and providing comfort and sustenance to them. I have found a growing number of people who are proceeding with their lives in this way. They don't put themselves above others; they do not declare themselves superior. Their natural inclination is to give and share---That is the real human force within us. I have met so many of you with open hands and hearts. My greatest thanks!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Narcissistic Spouse--Doesn't Care whether You Live or Die

Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. He/she is merciless. If you are in the full bloom of his infatuation with you--then you are The One and he won't let you forget it. This phase doesn't last long. You may believe that he still loves you (He never did--Narcissists are incapable of love). This is not true. He is just barely going through the motions. In fact not long after the marriage, a few years, months, decades, depending on his fancy and other opportunities he has for other women to adore him., he wants you out of his life--the quicker the better.

If you get sick he doesn't give a damn. If you get real sick, he is inconvenienced and pissed.  "You drive yourself to the hospital. You're putting on an act--I can tel and it's not convincing."  This has really happened. Believe it, this is how cold and disgusting these individuals can be when their adoring audience is not present. He pretends to care about your welfare but this is all show. His relatives and friends think he is an extraordinary person--a great family man. Really!!! It is not unusual after the marriage is in dark distress for the narcissistic husband to flip the entire family to his side. Don't catch yourself flat footed. Remember, without a conscience the narcissist is morally agile--he can go in any direction he wants at high speed. Others have to think and weigh the consequences of their judgements: Will this hurt someone? Will I hurt this person's feelings? The narcissist doesn't go through this exercise---ever. He forges ahead in the fast lane of his life and no one else matters.

So, you must learn to care about your own life and appreciate every gift that you have, every kindness you have shown to others and those that you will bestow in the future. Appreciate that you think about the feelings of others before you act--that you have a well developed conscience--that you are merciful to those who are vulnerable, afraid, weak and debilitated. And today there are so many of these people---living alone, barely holding on.  You will find them and ease their suffering. You are a real human being. You have compassion and that is scarce these days. As you grow and individuate you will psychologically leave the narrow cruel life of the narcissist behind. You will continue to grow and re-create your life. I wish you my very best. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

My Mother the Covert Narcissist

When we are little we believe the family story. Many of us think that we had good parents, that our mother and father loved one another. So often this is not true. There is a secret agenda going on behind the scenes.
In private the young child hears the parents screaming at one another. The child cowers in bed or hides in the closet until silence finally arrives. 

Many children grow up with mothers who are covert narcissists. A young child is led to believe that mother is loving and caring person. Many of these women go about their duties to their children, making sure their basic needs are met. This doesn't include spending emotionally intimate time with her son or daughter. Being face to face with our children, giving our time and attention, listening and attuning to them lovingly, caring deeply when they are suffering and feeling bad. This is the real parental role.

The covert narcissistic mother is not grandiose or flashy. She has a facade of humility and self effacement. On the outside in the the world these mothers are considered to be fine people and excellent mothers. Their outward behaviors are dutiful.

In the privacy of the home a different darker drama is being played out. Covert narcissistic mothers do not put their children at the center of their lives. Like their grandiose sisters in psychopathology---every thing revolves around them.  The image that they create as mother is the narcissist's reality. The covert narcissistic mother is a master of injecting guilt into her child's psyche. She always feels inadequate and wrong---that she hasn't lived up to her mother's standards. No matter what she does it will not be sufficient to win mother's love and the daughter takes this on as her fault. Covert narcissistic mothers rule out of intimidation. They pit one child against the other. This causes chaos and suspicion within the household. When you are "raised by a covert narcissistic mother" you are on your own. If she has chosen a golden child boy or girl, then you are either given no attention at all or strictly the negative kind--you are always compared with the golden one and are labelled inferior.

Surviving this childhood is very difficult. Many children discover that their fertile imaginations provide them with a rich fantasy life. Many go to libraries and read hundreds of books. Others spend a lot of time at the homes of friends where they find respite from the wars at home. Many of these children grow up to become empathic, competent creative individuals.They do a lot of work on themselves, unravel their childhoods and come to understand the tremendous inadequacies of their pathological narcissistic mothers. Good psychotherapy and deep support from others along the way is often the key.

Always remember that you are not your covert narcissistic mother. You are a unique individual who deserves to lead a life of great meaning, creativity, the reciprocation of love and the spontaneous gift of living in this precious moment. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, July 2, 2012

Omg--I Married a Sociopath

You are painfully discovering that the man you married is not only a narcisssist, he is a sociopath. The warning signs were there early but you were so dazzled by his perfect charming irresistable facade that you didn't notice.  He had all of the qualities that you had been searching for. He was confident, intelligent, successful, good looking, socially skilled. And he was so taken with you that you couldn't say no. There was a part of you that said: "This is the guy; if I let him go I will never find another man like him. I will have missed my chance." Certainly you had no idea of the real nature of the bargain that you were striking. It was a deal with the devil and you were easy prey. With all of this said, do not blame yourself now. You could not have known that this man was a sociopath (I call them bloodless sociopaths because they don't commit physically violent crimes) Their crimes are  psychological, emotional and financial.

I have read and heard from so many women who have fallen into this trap. As the number of narcissists increases every day, the number of bloodless sociopaths swells as well. Being ruthless, lacking conscience (if you can get away with what you want to do without getting caught) stepping on the feelings of others, pushing those who are weaker out of the way, exploiting the vulnerable-----These personality traits and the behaviors and consequences of them have become unimportant to many in the current society today. As long as you get the goods, make the big money, are clever at getting around the laws and have the right connections and an impeccable image, you are praised , raised up, financially rewarded  and by some who are mesmerized by you---considered a hero, an innovator.

This is all delusion--the greatest act in the world that most people believe, even the relatives of the victims of the sociopathic husband. In the darkness of your bedroom late at night, you are brutalized psychologically. You are derided, criticized and treated like a piece of trash. You are always in fight or flight mode--there is no let up. Your blood pressure is high; you are getting constant infections and flus.You can't sleep at night and you wake up with a start. "What is he going to do next?" You keep asking and the answer is Plenty.

First, recognize that you are married to a psychological criminal --a person who doesn't give a damn about you and will replace you with someone else if he already hasn't.

Make your plans secretly to get out of the marriage and to protect the assets that you have. And that includes your emotional, physical and psychological health. Get ahead of his game. Research attorneys and find one who is so smart, clever and your absolute advocate--a person who is very grounded and remains exceedingly calm in dealing with these vipers. You need a veteran of these ugly divorce wars. Keep your circle of real friends tightly around you and make sure that no one says a word about your plans. Seek short term quality psychotherapy if you think that will provide you with a therapeutic alliance that you need at this time. Call upon a few friends--you only need one--who is there for you at any time.
Keep your plan very close to the vest. AND don't change your mind. At some point he may get the scent that you are out of his game and try to woo you back with enticements. NO NO NO--You are faithful to yourself and your future as a free indivdiual. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:
lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com