Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Narcissistic Older Sister causes Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth

The narcissistic older sister is despised in her home by her victims, especially brothers and sisters. Her wretched cruelties from childhood cannot be counted. From the moment she was old enough, she screamed at the top of her lungs if she didn't get exactly what she wanted. She was checked and there was no medical condition; she was pronounced normal. Her parents complied with her demands. The louder and more irrational she became the more intimidated they felt and acted accordingly. Rather than recognizing that this young child was taking over their authority and that she was without any psychological boundaries, they continued to bend to her will. It is most unfortunate that this narcissistic autocrat didn't get clinical professional help in her earliest years. From the time she was little she bullied her younger brothers and/or sisters even as infants, pushing them down, pinching them, teasing them mercilessly, scaring them to death, calling them hurtful names---dumb, ugly, weak, stupid, etc. I know of family situations in which this reign of terror continues well into adulthood. The parents cower at their daughter's demands, are humiliated by her criticisms. They are afraid of her. She is the dictator and ruler over her parents. This family constellation is highly detrimental to her siblings. They are constantly psychologically abused by the narcissistic older sister. She threatened them in secret. They live in constant fear of her. The other children know that the parents will not stand up for them because this tyrannical daughter has them under her control and intimidation as well.

Children who grow up in these homes suffer horribly. Sometimes one or two siblings band together to protect one another. Often these kids fade into the background and spend a lot of their time away from home to avoid their explosive narcissistic sister. The parents are so consumed with their narcissistic daughter's constant demands and manipulations that they don't have time or energy to pay much attention to their other children. In fact they are no longer in charge and haven't been for a number of years.

Adult children raised in these pathological families finally recognize that their older sister is a severe narcissistic personality disorder. A real relationship with this person is not possible since she is incapable of being genuine or empathic. In many instances they sever their relationship from the narcissistic older sister and maintain their support of one another. It is difficult for some of the children to maintain a good relationship with the parents who are under the control of their narcissistic daughter. The children who keep a distance from the narcissistic older sister are wise. She takes every opportunity to cause chaos between her siblings and in their relationship with the parents.

The toxicity of the narcissist is so great that it is wise and psychologically healthy to keep your distance from them even if they are members of your family. If other siblings choose to associate with the tyrannical sister that is their decision. This is an opportunity for you to assert yourself and refuse to be the recipient of pernicious psychological and emotional abuse. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, well distributed in regular book stores on online stores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyorulife.com




Monday, August 29, 2011

Rampaging Narcissistic Matriarchs

Narcissistic mothers are tough enough to take. When you add over the top rage, extreme self entitlement, treachery and large sums of money to the mix you have a disaster on your hands for anyone who will stand in this woman's way or question her. No one can over-emphasize the psychological damage that they do to entire families of many generations. Stories about them area legion. You cannot overstate their rapacious treachery. These women have unlimited energy, plotting how they will control their adult children. One heinous method is to turn sibling against sibling, encouraging one to gang up on the other. Often the matriarch has a special child who is her clone and will enforce whatever cruel plans she has laid down. These matriarchs take pleasure in watching  the clashes that occur among her children. They love being in the center of the battle---the ultimate five star general. They send their lieutenants out to do the real dirty work. Often the cloned child---a blooming narcissist--decided very early to get access and control over money and property that is owned by his/her aging mother. Little by little she is courted by her golden child. This child knows how to inflate mother's ego to the max. The GC tells outright lies about the siblings he wants out of the  way. Words like" unstable, overdoing medications, involved with questionable people who can't be trusted, having poor judgment" endless litanies of negative profiles of siblings are "confidentially" put into the mind of the narcissistic matriarch with perfect timing. When other siblings get wind of these betrayals all out war is threatened. Sadly, the most sensitive, caring and non-narcissistic siblings are left behind. They have very few options. Some of these victimized children find their singular way out of this nightmare. They study hard, use their creative gifts, take initiative and remove themselves from this pathological snake pit as soon as possible.

Some children of these matriarchal nightmares are still  feeling psychological injury and deep emotional wounding into adulthood. Some of them finally recognize that they cannot obtain genuine love and understanding from their own parent. This individual suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, a pathology that does not change. Some find help working with an excellent psychotherapist who can help them move through the grieving process of never having a real mother. Many of these adult children learn how to mother themselves by recognizing the lovely child who is deep inside of them and who is worth and deserving of respect and leading a rich and meaningful life. If you are from one of these families, be patient and kind with yourself. You have been through a horrendous ordeal. You are strong and solid. Always remember that you are a valuable unique human being. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, large distribution of traditional books and e-books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Narcissistic Spouse is a Dark Shadow in Your Life

Romantic relationships start off so beautifully. They are almost magical. You find the man or woman you have been waiting for. This is especially the case if you are ending a painful marriage. If you have been dumped and abused, you are feeling desperate and suddenly a person you have known for some time begins to fill the role of romantic partner and rescuer. You breathe a sigh of relief and become quickly intimate with this person. You think you know him---maybe you have know this person in a different context for a number of years. This cycle of magic moves with warp speed. Soon you are sharing the same home. You are making plans for the future while still enthralled with the psychological and sexual attraction you share. After a few months you begin to notice hints here and there of inappropriate bursts of temper. He is blaming you for something you didn't do. He is picking away at your absence of perfection. He sits you down and berates you over nothing. You think that he is moody, having problems with  work. You try to make him feel more comfortable. You become his protector and  healer. Some partners recognize that something is very wrong with this relationship. You watch the self absorption, the phony fancy facade, the volcanic rage that erupts out of nowhere, the complete control of your life----like a giant shadow that is making you feel immobilized.

What happened to the real you who could think her own thoughts and express her feelings.At some point often after a particularly ugly episode many spouses wake up and realize they cannot and will not take the abuse any more. They recognized the psychological and emotional damage this highly disturbed individual has
0n their children. They are tired of being the target of the narcissist's toxic projections, Many spouses take the initiate to leave the narcissist's dark shadow by severing the relationship permanently. They assert themselves and heal through quality psychotherapy and the practice of quieting the mind through meditation and gentle hatha yoga. They form support groups with a few others who have dealt with this pain in the past and have now recovered. They are rediscovering themselves. They are answerable to themselves, filled with a new creative optimism, and celebrating a renewed identity. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed online and in stores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---Begin Your Healing Now

Daughters of narcissistic mothers learn early that something vital is missing from their lives. They may live in a household that appears to be normal. Everything is organized. The children are fed and kept safe. But where is the affection and warmth that they need so desperately from their mother. That is the missing piece that causes such horrible distress to each daughter of a narcissistic mother. In some instances the father is able to compensate for the mother's lack of understanding and empathy. He is warm; he listens; he keeps his promises. He plays with his children and listens to them. Some daughters have aunts who take on the role of mother or even a grandmother or grandfather. There are some daughters who have to depend on themselves. Some of these children know very early that they must fend for themselves and they do this with great courage. This takes place against the barrage of criticisms, sarcastic remarks and dismissiveness  of the narcissistic non-mother. These daughters become intellectually independent very young. Despite all of their efforts and accomplishments, the narcissistic mother wound is still there.

Adult daughters long to heal. In communications with some of these brave women I hear that they have taken their own pathway. Some have benefited from quality psychotherapy. Others find inner peace and a sense of belonging in a consistent practice of meditation. They discover that as the mind is quieted they get in touch with the deep inner loving part of themselves and feel their own warmth and compassion. This is a powerful process that transcends who we had as a mother or father. As meditation deepens as a practice it can become a pathway toward deep inner healing. Gentle hatha yoga is an excellent companion practice with meditation. Here the emphasis is on the breath. Focusing on the breath in the moment as each pose is done, quiets the nervous system, focuses the mind and gets you in touch with that serene vibration of love within you. This is who you really are. Embrace yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Widely distributed
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, August 22, 2011

Narcissistic Sociopaths in High Places

There is a term that describes certain kinds of individuals who are very successful in the world, have many admirers if not adorers, have access to social/business connections we might all envy whom I call bloodless sociopaths. I use this term because they are without conscience, completely lack empathy, are among the cruelest and sadistic human beings but literally don't draw blood. They commit numerous crimes throughout their lives and don't get caught. That's how well they have mastered their act. Often they have a high intelligence quotient and have achieved superlative marks throughout their schooling. From the time they are very young these sociopaths know that they are superior to everyone, including their parents, that there isn't anything they can't do or have. The world and people in it exist to be manipulated by them.

With the narcissistic style taking over much of our world today and becoming fully acceptable---self absorption, obsession with appearance, being in the A list social circles, coldness and disdain for those outside of this magic bubble---it becomes easier for the sociopath to move in and out of business and social circles undetected as a dreadful human being. We have narcissistic sociopaths who run some of our prestigious corporations. We have some members of the branches of government who fit this definition. When you look at some of the dirty deal making that takes place, the rip-offs of those who are without power or money, and the pure greed involved you find that many in the corporate, entrepreneurial, entertainment, media and government that fit this definition. No one wants to talk about sociopaths in high places. Most people have a problem believing that a person with such prestige and power who is given the highest respect and deference and even lionized could be so predatory.

Their family members may not be aware of their levels of criminality. They have become so deluded and accustomed to leading privileged lives that they close their eyes to anything that disrupts the perfect insular world they have created. There are plenty of spouses and children of narcissistic sociopaths who will tell you horror stories about their private lives. Family members describe themselves as prisoners, unable to make their own decisions, forced  to follow their parent(s) commands to the letter. They view ugly violent scenes between their parents that are re-enacted frequently and put them in a chronic state of anxiety and apprehension. Spouses who willfully stay married to these reprehensible individuals put the lives of their children in psychological and emotional jeopardy. If you are the spouse of one of these individuals and finally recognize all of the damage that has been done, wake up and prepare to sever these pathological relationships if not for yourself for your children.

Narcissism and sociopathy in its bloodless form are becoming more acceptable in the society at large. You don't notice many high level narcissists doing perp walks or losing court cases when they are clearly guilty or going out of business because they have been defrauding their business partners and clients for years.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality disorder and the narcissistic sociopath so that you recognize them quickly and know exactly how they operate. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, numerous online bookstores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Covert Narcissist--Don't Let Him "Get the Drop on You"

There's an old expression about letting someone get the drop on you. Your enemy is waiting for you in the dark in your favorite chair as you innocently enter your apartment, thinking you are alone. He's patient; he knows your schedule. He has accessed your apartment several times before this evening without leaving a clue. This isn't a scene from a Dean Koontz novel. This is real life. A feeling of dread snakes up your spine and adrenaline rushes thunder through your body. These are the feelings we get when we are suddenly confronted by a covert narcissist.

In the beginning we didn't know he/she was psychologically dangerous. He appeared as a friend, even a confidante, like a member of your family--someone who can be completely trusted. Covert narcissists are talented at getting into people's heads. They know your deepest needs and vulnerabilities, even your secrets (despite their complete lack of self insight or the capacity for introspection). Some convert narcissists play the role of  at your service servants. They are your 24/7 rescuers. They have come  to save you from a painful dark period in your life. You have confided in them (They appear to be great listeners) and they are at your side ready to do anything that will ease your pain. This is their MO. It works so smoothly. They customize their style to fit each individual they will corner in their web. In the beginning phases the covert narcissist is there with the surprise gift, the "comfort" phone call, the art print you've dreamed about.

All the time they're working you. You've been psychologically anesthetized. As the "relationship" gets closer you trust this individual more. If it's a romantic relationship, it won't take long to become a marriage. The covert narcissist has already checked you out thoroughly and knows you are his solid gold ticket to a much better life. Some covert narcissists bring you along to become members of their elite circle. You have high level connections, talents, a great resume---a pedigree that reflects perfectly on the narcissist's self image. 

Eventually the dark side of the covert narcissist is revealed in all of its putrid ugliness. You find them picking away at you. Then all of a sudden they lunge for a frontal verbal attack. You can't believe this is the person whom you love and trust. You are confused and hurt. Maybe it is your fault: they are having a bad day; you need to be more understanding---None of the above. This is a covert narcissist who has finally bared his canines and is taking a bite out of you. Feel the pain and know this is not fiction. The narcissistic core is now fully exposed and you are on the receiving end of highly primitive toxic projections. It is better to cut your losses now than to try to convince yourself that this is some fluke and this individual can be changed. Narcissistic personality is a fixed disorder that does not change. Narcissists even covert narcissists beneath the phony humility and pseudo empathy are completely devoted to themselves, what they can get from you, take from you----no matter what harm it causes. They are as ruthless and treacherous as their grandiose cousins.

Research and study the narcissistic personality disorder so that you learn to recognize them quickly. If someone comes on too treacly, too 24/7 at your service, pay attention to what is going on beneath the surface. If you are in a vulnerable emotional state---be especially self protective. If necessary research and find an excellent therapist who can help you through this painful cycle. Check out several therapists if necessary. There are therapists who are narcissists. Use your intuition in choosing the right professional. The practice of gentle yoga, meditation in a form that works for you (meditations can be short 1-2-3 minutes) and other healing practices. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, very well distributed online
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, August 19, 2011

Married to a Narcissist---Is is Worth Your Psychological and Mental Health

Most women and men are unaware that they have married narcissists. These individuals are so clever at disguising their dark side in the beginning. We fall in love with their facade--an elaborate mask of charm, magnetism, brightness, optimism--that lifts us up and makes us believe in magic. Before the marriage there may be hints of the true personality lying beneath the surface---flashes of temper, drumbeats of criticisms here and there, misstatements rather than the truth. Under the powerful sway of the narcissist these significant clues are overlooked. The marriage takes place and for a while it seems to be working. Then the emblematic narcissistic traits come to the surface. Classic narcissistic rage (over non-issues) bubbles forth and spews out onto the spouse. Many spouses automatically blame themselves rather than looking at the narcissist's inappropriate behavior. Then, the spouse becomes more and more aware of the narcissist's chronic lying. Catching a partner in lies is exceedingly painful each time it happens. The narcissist covers with another more convincing lie and never fesses up. Narcissists don't have a fully developed conscience. They only care about not getting caught. Then there are the put-downs, manipulations and humiliations that come next.

After months of years of these barrages, the non-narcissistic partner is psychologically confused and exhausted. She tells herself that it will all change if she is more understanding and patient. This tactic doesn't work and some spouses are in a constant state of duress often for years even decades wondering what they can do to make the relationship better. It can't improve because narcissists are incapable of forming real relationships. They only relate to themselves and their incessant demands. Some spouses develop chronic anxiety, insomnia and depression as a result of these marriages. The narcissistic spouse is spewing out psychologically poisonous venom at you every day. How much can you take? Are you willing to endanger your physical health? Are you aware of what this kind of toxic acrimonious environment is doing to your children?

Some spouses stay married to these severely disturbed individuals because of the financial security and lifestyle. Is it worth it when you cannot have one moment of peace, your stomach is always in knots and you are afraid that one of your children will become a narcissist? Making the life decision to sever your relationship from a narcissistic spouse is not easy. It is complex and the divorce process has many turns. Once your recognize that your life has value, that you deserve to pursue your creative gifts and make your own life decisions. There is good news from those who have severed their relationships with narcissistic spouses. Some of them wonder why it took them so long to develop a strong enough sense of self entitlement and healthy self regard to make this decision. Now freed, these individuals are freed up and grateful to reclaim their lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, large distribution online stores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Healing After Marriage to a Narcissist

Those who are married to narcissists are constantly under siege. In the beginning it may be Kismet; in the end it is the lowest circle of Hell. The narcissistic spouse is relentless in his/her ability to make constant demands, falsely accuse you, brainwash your children, make you doubt yourself, threaten to take away all of your worldly possessions including the home in which you live. This list of transgressions is endless and would take up too many pages to count. If there is a way to hurt you psychologically and financially the narcissist leading the attack will find it. Narcissists are "gifted" at "gutting" the lives of others. They have been practicing and mastering this form of destruction all of their lives. If they area golden children the narcissistic parent taught them that they were perfect and superior, that there was neither right nor wrong-----only the goal of winning. They have heard this charge since early childhood. "You have no limits---Everyone around you is inferior. You can do whatever you want. To achieve great things, you have to step over others who are in your way." These are the earliest messages from mother and/or father. These budding narcissists are molded to become to become false grandiose selves, to compete like gladiators, drawing psychological blood.

If you have recognized that you have been married to a narcissist and moved through the divorce process, you must give yourself all the space and time and self understanding to heal. First, give yourself credit for leaving this highly disturbed destructive person. Many stay in these marriages and are broken psychologically. Take time to be with yourself. This can take many forms. Get to know yourself--You have spent years being suffocated by the narcissist's overwhelming personality. Now you can breathe. Some of those in the healing process take up a practice of gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. Yoga when done with focus and self love is very healing. It eases the nervous system into a state of calmness and safety. Meditation is another form of healing--This can be practiced on any level as long as you are nonjudgmental and consistent. Spend time each day in solitude. Go outdoors, listen to the birds, watch a hummingbird gracefully move from flower to flower, feel the light mist, the sun warm your shoulders----appreciate each moment. Working through the aftermath of marriage to a narcissist is a complex process. Be kind to yourself, take your time. A small support group that you form can be valuable. You will be heard and understood. This can mean one person. That's all you need. You will find that your life becomes simpler, quieter, calmer and feel grateful that you are moving toward a deeper inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, barnes and noble, many online bookstores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Malicious Narcissists---Convincing Others You are at Fault or Crazy

Narcissists have a sinister side, especially if they want something that you have and you refuse to comply. This becomes very ugly during the severing of a marital relationship. Many non-narcissistic spouses who have been treated abominably still want to believe that when it comes to ending the marriage, the narcissist will be fair and amenable to negotiation in good faith. Be clear here----Absolutely Not! They ensure their victims them bring on the army of shark-toothed lawyers and go for the jugular. To protect yourself, study and research in-depth the true nature of the narcissistic personality including examples from real life. Get to know this personality profile intimately. It will be a strong reminder when you start to bend or buckle to the narcissist's tricks, tactics, strong arming techniques and charm offensive.

Another dark ploy is that narcissists or their doubles, contact your relatives, in-laws, friends and anyone who will listen to broadcast blatant lies about your character. This doesn't happen in all instances but it is remarkable the lengths these malicious individuals exceed to trash you, putting you at fault and even leading others to believe that you are "crazy." Even people whom you have trusted ---family members---can be flipped to the narcissist's side, especially if he has influence where you have lived and deep pockets.

To successfully deal with these complex and stressful situations as you move toward divorce, be sure you hire an attorney who is not only an expert in family law but who is exceedingly savvy about the ruses, tricks and ploys of the narcissistic personality disorder. Your attorney needs to be highly professional but fearless in facing this relentless cruel and destructive individual. An excellent attorney in these situations must be like ultra-marathon runners. Regardless of any obstacle placed in front of them by the narcissist, they are undaunted.  Their perseverance is golden.

A narcissist (male or female) will wage a custody battle for the sole purpose of trying to psychologically and financially decimate the former spouse. For the narcissist, revenge is sweet. It's where they live in their delusional treacherous minds.

Surround yourself with individuals whom you can trust completely and who believe and understand the horrible ordeal you are going through. Be good to yourself. Know that you hold the truth. You are very wise. If some others around you don't believe your life story, don't associate with them. Don't talk about your personal life. Be protective of your privacy. Another dirty offensive is to make you look "crazy" . This is so cruel and sadistic. Know that you are the sane one who is holding the truth. You are entitled to be treated with respect. You deserve it. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always reveal the truth to you and help you to maintain a sense of steadiness and calm. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Online stores, etc.
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Narcissists Will Not Poison My Life--I am Independent and Thriving

Whether you are the daughter, son, sibling, spouse or ex-spouse of a narcissistic personality you have been victimized by the narcissist in your life. These individuals are psychologically toxic to everyone, particularly those closest to them. Through their contaminated personalities with strong negative qualities of cruelty, dismissiveness, chronic lying, deception, exploitation and plans they execute to turn your family and friends against you through pernicious gossip and innuendo, the narcissistic personality wreaks havoc and horrendous pain for which he is never held accountable. Most people don't understand how one individual can be so callous and cruel. When those victimized by narcissists tell their story to close relative and friends, they are not believed. Or the person will say: " Get over it." "You are exaggerating." " (name of narcissist) is a great guy. Where are you getting all of these irrational ideas about him." And on and on. It it nauseating to watch the level of delusion in which many people live. They want to believe the best about narcissistic personalities----Really? Do they know anything about this severe psychopathology? No! Do they want to find out? No!  They want "happy talk" and nothing more. I suggest that if you have been victimized by a narcissist and you are in the process of recovery, keep your distance from those who don't believe you. It is not worth all the torment, lack of understanding and lack of respect that you go through with those who make no effort to comprehend the level of your suffering.

Focus on your healing process. Turn to those who do understand the brutality you have endured. These are people you can trust and will continue to be supportive and watch you grow. Give yourself great credit for reclaiming your life from the narcissist. Allow yourself times of solitude and quiet to encourage healing on every level: physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual. Some find that a practice of gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath helps to quiet their thinking , to create clearer inner focus and to find a state of peace.
There are individuals who begin a meditation practice that works for them. This can mean very short sessions of meditation: one minute, two minutes, five minutes. What matters most is consistency not the length of time that your are meditating. Don't be judgmental in any way about your meditation.Make it pleasant for yourself.
If you miss a day or even more, don't criticize yourself. Start again. The power of meditation and the effect on growing independence of thought, deep intuition and inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, most online book stores

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Don't Let Your Children Grow Up to be Narcissists

From all of the clinical research---there is no narcissistic personality gene. Narcissists are created not born. We receive a hereditary endowment of temperament and disposition. Metabolism, fast twitch muscles, the ability to use both hemispheres of the brain are all part of our endowment. But narcissist is molded from babyhood. Quite often one of the parents is a narcissist. If the non-narcissist parent is not psychologically strong enough to neutralize the powerful impact of the NPD parent, these dynamics can lead to the creation of a narcissistic child. The earlier the intervention, the less chance of raising a child who becomes a full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder.

We are born with the capacity for empathy. This quality is what most distinguishes those who are narcissists from those who are not. Children learn to develop their capacity for empathy most often from their parents. I have come across children of narcissistic parents who were highly empathic but had other familial influences that helped them to develop their capacity for empathy. These individuals who have been treated so abominably by their dreadful parents are often highly compassionate human beings. 

I don't care how adorable, beautiful, brilliant, strong and magnetic your children are---they are not little gods who can do no wrong. They are your children and you love them. But it is up to you to teach your child through your example and your interaction with them every day to take the needs of others into account, to recognize the needs of others, to learn how to feel how another person is suffering. This is learned or not learned very early and develops as the child grows.

Basic respect for each person and a sense of psychological boundaries is taught by the parent. It doesn't matter what kind of education a person has, how they look, what they wear, what they own or don't have----the bottom line is respect for all human beings. No one should be judged, public image, level of education, success in the world. Parents teach children every day especially when they are very young
that no one person is more important or valuable than another. Each child is unique in his or her own way. When we have more than one child, it is particularly important that the parent show no favoriticism between one or the other. Each child has unique gifts, strengths, vulnerabilities and sensibilities. The parent takes each child's individuality into account.  D.W. Winnicott, the brilliant British psychoanalyst, speaks about the necessity of the parent to acknowledge the spontaneous gesture of his child rather than imposing what the mother or father insists his child should become. This forcefulness sets up the psychological climate for the formation of the false grandiose self  who is at the root the of  narcissistic personality disorder.

In extreme cases, it may be necessary to sever the relationship with the narcissistic spouse to keep these severe personality disorders from having a profound negative influence on your child. I understand that this can be very complex and difficult. To avoid such life situations, research the narcissistic personality disorder in depth and do your best not to marry one of these individuals. This is not always possible since they are so clever at disguising themselves as genuine, particularly if they are high level narcissists. Remember that your parental input is crucial. You are the loving empathic parent. Pay attention to your intuition. It will tell you if you are dealing with a narcissist. Don't  override these true messages. Listen carefully. Intuition is a function of the higher consciousness within you. It is a gift we are all given. The more you exercise intuition, the more it becomes part of our life decisions and are ability to make very fine discernments of other human beings. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. It is well worth your effort and research. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Barnes and Noble online, well distributed worldwide
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com












Thursday, August 11, 2011

Narcissistic Spouses-Their Exit Strategy for You

The military uses the term exit strategy to describe how to leave the battlefield after a strategic objective is achieved or as a method of direction to avoid failure.  In a spousal relationship with a narcissist, it isn't surprising that the narcissistic partner has planned how he will exit the marriage. Narcissists can feel highly attracted to a particular woman and decide to make the leap forward to marriage. But they always have their own reasons in their back pocket.  Marriages for them are arrangements, like business deals. They have looked you over ---You are attractive enough or beautiful and will create the right image for this man. How long will you reign as his consort? ----As long as you can continue to provide him with  the narcissistic supplies that he requires. These take many forms. If you are a successful professional and very well connected this adds to his resume as well. If you family is prominent socially and part of the upper echelons of society, this is a huge plus. If you will fit in as part of his adoring entourage and wait on him like a docile servant and even have a couple of children with him to create future narcissists like him----all the better. Despite the well acted romance, the gifts, the excitement of the lifestyle he sets out before you, there will come a time certain when you will be out of the picture. He may not divorce you formally but his straying eyes and his insatiable appetite for power and money and influence will carry him in other directions and it won't be yours. After all, narcissists are never true or loyal to those they brought to the party. Even on the day of the wedding it would not be surprising that their eyes are coveting the face and body of a guest whom they are considering for a future tryst. Yes, that's how brazen and cold these individuals are. To protect yourself from embroiling yourself in one of these excruciating scenarios, study the narcissistic personality in depth. If you unwittingly marry a narcissist, be clear and firm about  your exit strategy before you have done a lot of damage to your psyche and stock portfolio. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Nobel bookstores and online, etc
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Wealth Obsessed Uber Rich Narcissists

We are now living at a time when the wealthy have been surpassed by the uber wealthy. -those making hundreds of millions a year, even one billion plus dollars a year.  Not all uber-rich are narcissists. There are many vastly wealthy individuals who are deeply involved in philanthropy and foundations who help those who are in financial need.

I am talking about uber rich narcissists who spend most of their time thinking about how much more wealth they can accumulate. Money is their god. If that means betraying a business partner or a marital partner of many years, that's essential for the narcissist. These individuals are greed driven, obsessed with wresting money from others, including their relatives. They are often lawyered up with the best attorneys to insure that they will legally steal wealth from their own family members. Right now 2% of the population is controlling over 80 percent of the wealth, leaving the rest of the population in the dust. Narcissistic uber rich never often don't feel that they have enough. They are warlike in their assaults on the financial security of others. In their families they hold the possibility of changing their wills and trusts as a psychological cudgel to control their spouses, children and siblings.

Uber wealthy narcissists are incapable of forming any kind of meaningful relationships. This is especially the case with their spouses and children. These family members are a source of narcissistic supply. They are viewed as objects who add to the enhancement of their elaborate grandiose false image (which most people mistake for an authentic self)

The uber rich narcissist views himself as ultra superior to all others because they have not achieved at his/her level. They have no conception of what other people endure, trying to pay their bills, buy sufficient food, have decent medical care and education for their children. These issues are not an aspect of their consciousness. Narcissists view all others as inferior and unworthy. They can't be bothered with their wives or children. Their roles are highly limited and strictly dictated by the narcissist. Spouses of these narcissists are often so intimidated in their marital arrangements  that they are afraid to leave these highly disturbed cruel human beings. As a result they and their children are psychological victims.  Some spouses are addicted to the uber wealthy lifestyle where they are treated like royalty at all times. The super narcissist feels entitled to this kind of bowing and scraping. Being at the top of the heap financially is all that matters. If the current spouse does not go along with his grandiose plans, the narcissist views this person has dispensable and easily replaceable.
Uber rich narcissists move those close to them around like pieces on a game board. They never consider for one moment the tremendous damage they have perpetrated upon their spouses and children.

Our current society is becoming more narcissistic. As a result excessive greed is considered a fine character trait. Winning big is all that matters, even if this psychologically wounds their own children. This is the ruthless ,cold  unempathic world of the uber wealthy narcissist. It is essential to learn to identify the narcissistic personality disorder to avoid being ensnared by them. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, online bookstores, etc.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, August 8, 2011

Narcissistic Siblings--Their Domestic Reign of Terror

There are innumerable painful stories of severe psychological and emotional abuse perpetrated by a narcissistic brother or sister during childhood upon their siblings. The intimidations, barbed criticisms and humiliations are rampant in these households. In these families one or both parents is a narcissist and tends to side with the narcissistic child. This creates an unending emotional climate and siege and danger in the home.

The sensitive non-narcissistic child faces perpetual assaults from the sadistic narcissistic brother or sister. In some cases other children in the family are too afraid of this cruel narcissist and join in on the bullying and terrorizing of the innocent, very vulnerable sibling. The psychological damage left behind is immense. Victims of this abusive treatment spend much of their childhoods in a state of terror. Many of them find ways to hide in their own homes. They know that neither mother nor father will protect them from ongoing verbal bombardment. The victimized child is left alone to protect himself, know that no one, not any member of his family will come to his rescue. He feels and is all alone. Narcissistic parents who allow one child to terrorize another year after year are despicable human beings. A child brutalized by this form of imprisonment often learn to numb out emotionally to protect himself.

There are adult victims of these highly dysfunctional family constellations including sadistic narcissistic brothers and sisters who survive to tell the tale. Many of them find ways to stay away from home if at all possible. Others leave the house early and live with friends and their families. Often these victimized siblings are not believed and discover that not only did they have to endure the abuse, they are now being with disrespect and ridicule and accused of being a liar when they speak the truth about their narcissistic sibling. This is especially the case if the narcissistic siblings has achieved  "professional or worldly success" with a capital "S".  Many of these children end up severing their relationships with their narcissistic sibling and and narcissistic parent(s.)They say No to more narcissistic abuse. They have won the battle against the narcissistic family to become, they they have value as separate individuals.  I hear from adult children who bore the ugliness of having a sadistic narcissistic sibling and often narcissistic parents. After study on their own, they have learned that the narcissistic personality is fixed, that narcissists are psychologically brutal and most importantly, that they have now reclaimed their lives and are free to be their unique selves. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, online book stores, etc.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Sunday, August 7, 2011

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-Rage-Grief-Healing

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. From childhood they have had to contend with mothers who were cold, distracted, self-absorbed, coercive, dismissive, manipulative, highly critical and psychologically destructive. Many daughters of narcissistic mothers remain in denial about their mother's true nature. They blame themselves for manufactured short comings and flaws that were the product of the projections of a delusional narcissistic mother. These mothers live for themselves. They come in as many shapes and sizes and styles as there are plants on the planet. But when we look at the essential realities of their natures they are the same. Narcissistic mothers have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Their children are at their mercy and whim. Their daughters are a continuing source of narcissistic supply. If they are intelligent, have special talents, athletic abilities, are attractive---the narcissistic mother uses these qualities of her child to pump up her ego and grandiose image. The child doesn't matter to her---only the perfect performance that will impress those in her circle of social or professional influence. Narcissistic mothers test two daughters to see which one will be the standout. One will be favored over the other and this will become painfully obvious to the daughter who is not chosen. Often the narcissistic mother and the budding narcissistic daughter form a dark alliance designed to psychologically immobilize and even decimate the rejected child.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to contend with the multiple cruelties perpetrated by these mothers from hell. Rage is often the first reaction of the wounded daughter. She hates her mother. She is furious about this woman who was mother in name only and tried to destroy the life of her own child. Beneath the rage is a gnawing grief---a pervasive feeling of loss over what the daughter never had--a loving protective mother who accepted and nurtured her child as a separate individual with no strings attached.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers find that working with a highly skilled psychotherapist helpful in working through the narcissistic mother rage and grief. Those inclined to go in this direction must make sure that they choose a therapist very wisely.There are excellent ones but it takes research and the full use of your intuition and powers of observation to pick the right therapist for you.

The next step is healing and wholeness. We are designed to be whole, complete, separate, thriving individuals. When you have worked through the rage and grieving, you discover that the deep authentic parts of you are there ready to be activated. This is a complex process. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers move in a spiritual direction (in the personal way that you define this). They develop a consistent meditation practice that works for them. Many practice gentle forms of yoga that put emphasis on the breath and calm the nervous system. Many do daily journaling and keep track of their dreams. Dreams are gifts of the unconscious that are given to us every night. Become familiar with this part of yourself---It is found gold.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother is very special-----She is a survivor, a beautiful human being who has survived the psychological gulags of childhood to emerge as a vibrant, loving, creative individual. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, online book stores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, August 5, 2011

Narcissists Can Never Be Trusted

Whether they are a spouse, child, sister, brother, ex-spouse, mother, father---narcissists can never be trusted. They are so convincing with their smooth talk, their nonverbal gestures that tell you they are completely sincere and on your side. Narcissists are masters of deceit. They are consummate actors. As they lie and manipulate they can even convince you going against your own intuitive sense of what is the truth. 

There is a pattern that develops with those who are married to narcissists. For decades the non-narcissists continues to convince herself/himself that spouse is going through a difficult time, has demeaned you and caused tremendous suffering through  verbal abuse and empty promises so that all of these cruel behaviors can be put aside. It's time for a fresh start, the non-narcissistic spouse tells herself: He's under a lost of stress. He's been so wonderful to me at different times. Why can't I put all of these cruelties aside and only think about the positives in the relationship. Narcissistic parents are famous for reneging on their commitments to their own  children. The child is let down time after time, bouncing back and forth believing what their parent is saying and knowing that they cannot count on their parent to tell the truth.

The narcissist is a false grandiose self that can never be authentic or truthful. As a child the narcissist was molded into a fraudulent human being who focused on proving his superiority to others and winning at all costs. This includes spouses and children. Narcissists treat those closest to them as objects to be manipulated. They are always deceptive and therefore can never be trusted.

To move forward with your life after leaving the narcissist's world, learn to appreciate your integrity, truth-seeking and the fact that in all of your relationships you can be trusted and relied upon. In our current narcissistic society, these characterlogical  qualities are rare and invaluable. Don't be swayed by narcissistic glitter----it is a superficial display. Find those who are deserving of your trust and respect. These relationships become strong and solid. Each person is assisting the other to move forward  toward expanding a more solid sense of self. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble online, etc.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Narcissists Block Your Psychological and Spiritual Growth

Narcissists are highly disruptive people. They are restless, demanding, always directing attention to themselves. Narcissists know exactly whom and what they want. They have grandiose goals and believe they are superior to everyone else. When you are married to or part of a narcissistic family , the narcissist who is king or queen of the household, rules over your kingdom. The narcissist has defined roles for everyone in his/her life. If a narcissist is highly successful and revered by our superficial world, then he is a hero to be envied and glorified.

Every year that you live with a narcissist as a spouse or child, your creative energies, sense of internal peace and the forward trajectory of your life is being blocked. As a spouse if you become more monetarily or professionally successful than your spouse, he will do everything he can to pull you down, to exhaust you through constant criticisms, ongoing rages, intimidations and psychological threats. He makes every effort to obstruct you and turn your life upside down on purpose. Narcissists may think they are spiritual but they are so self absorbed, ruthless and cruel , they can never be described with this word. Those who are truly spiritual care deeply about other human beings, move toward alleviating the suffering of others and have deep compassion and empathy.

One of your options is to sever your relationship with the narcissist, even a spouse of many years. Many spouse are too frightened to make this move. They decide to stay with this severe personality disorder and eclipse their lives on every level. Some spouses finally make the decision that they can no longer allow someone else to dictate what they should think, feel and do. They are psychologically and physically sickened by the outrageous demands and bruising criticisms and overwhelming humiliations heaped on them by these severe personality disorders. They make the decision to lead their own lives. They are tired of using all of their energies on a highly pathological non-relationship.

They make the decision and divorce the narcissist. Many of them move forward with their lives and re-discover themselves and are re-born psychologically and creatively. Listen keenly to your intuition and you will make a good decision. Maintain your self respect and a deep belief in yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and Barnes and Noble, many books online
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com