Friday, December 27, 2013

Narcissistic Doctors Don't Care About Your Health

There are excellent, dedicated physicians who work hard to keep their patients well. They are your partner in health. When a patient becomes ill, fine physicians go the distance to help you get well. I am not talking about most of our doctors in this article.

I am addressing narcissistic doctors who purposely go into specialties where they can gain the most prestige and make the most money. I hear from my readers about some of these individuals and the stories are disturbing. Some doctors over test patients and run up the bill on purpose. There are unnecessary medical procedures performed by narcissistic physicians that cost tremendous amounts of money and don't result in helping the patient to heal. Most people are still afraid to question a physician. They see him or her as the ultimate authority. My experience and that of others is that a fine doctor welcomes intelligent questions on the part of the patient. Becoming healthy again and staying healthy is a collaborative experience between doctor and patient. It is essential that the individual stays informed about his/her health matters.

Narcissistic doctors are going through the motions. They are completely self absorbed like all narcissists. Many of them are very smooth, highly confident, attractive and know how to win over their patients and maintain their trust. Some patients view doctors like mini gods. We can be grateful and very impressed by the skill and knowledge and training of a physician. The good and great ones deserve our respect and confidence in them.

Know what to watch for in narcissistic doctors:

Do you sense that the doctor has a money motive?

Is the physician disrespectful (putting you down, criticizing you) as a patient?

Is the physician forceful and do you get a sense that he/she is insisting on procedures that will not be helpful and could be harmful to you?

Does the physician invade your personal boundaries with intimate questions and sexual  innuendos?

Does the doctor become highly defensive, angry even enraged when you ask him/her questions?

Does the physician talk about himself incessantly and his importance, prestige, life style, etc. instead of focusing on you and your medical issues?

Does the doctor make disparaging, cruel remarks about your appearance?

Does the doctor have an abrasive, rude, sadistic bedside manner. For example, I know of a hospital patient who was unceremoniously awakened in the middle of the night and told: "You have had a stroke" and then had the nerve to ask the patient how he was feeling. The narcissistic doctor's manner was brusque and cold. It frightened the patient and caused needless fear and distress.

There are excellent physicians who are not narcissists. Do your research and find doctors who are highly trained, professionally excellent, patient oriented and empathic. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 








Sunday, December 22, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Treasure Your Intuitive Gifts

Intuition is a knowing of the truth that strikes faster than the speed of light. It comes through us automatically like the exhalation of a breath or the blowing of the wind or the crack of a branch of a tree in the forest. Intuition is part of our human nature although most people are unaware or not in touch with their intuition. Some individuals receive intuitive messages but discard them as irrational or strange.

I have known many daughters of narcissistic mothers who, despite all of the painful psychological and emotional issues associated with being the child of a narcissist, have access and use their intuitive gifts. For many it is what allowed them to survive a childhood of maternal deprivation and verbal abuse. Deep inside this small child knew that something was very wrong with her mother's lack of feeling, cold non connection and cruel behaviors. Some of these daughters blame themselves and believe they are lacking when the psychopathology lies with the narcissistic mother.

Using one's intuition is a gift that deepens and strengthens throughout life. Intuition communicates in a special form to each individual. Some of us get a gut feeling and know we have hit upon the truth. Others hear a voice that gives them messages of truth, warning, inspiration, creativity. Intuition can be activated by someone with whom we are strongly connected. Intuitions come through when we are in a peaceful state of relaxation, meditation or involved in a creative project. Intuitions are always coming through. They never stop making attempts to get our attention.

Intuition warns us about the narcissist we have just met. We sense this person and know instantly that he or she is not right for us. We feel the powerful sway of the narcissist's irresistability like an errant tide that is pulling us out to sea. Yet there is a voice (nor our own) that is saying: "Stay away from this person. He/she will cause you pain and trouble. Step away now."

Use your intuition to heal from your narcissistic mother. Intuition provides us with many ways of separating and individuating from the narcissistic non mother. Ask for healing and listen to the messages that lead you along a different path where you will find your true self more and more each day and through it deep inner peace and the use of your creative and spiritual gifts. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Narcissistic Siblings Steal Your Psychological, Emotional and Financial Inheritance




One of the most painful familial situations is to be the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling. From the beginning they "have it in" for you as the old saying goes. I have heard from so many of their victims. The stories told are hair raising. Even in early childhood there are memories of being pinched, squeezed, shamelessly slapped. All of this is perpetrated with impunity. The parent(s) of the victimized child is often a narcissist and gives the special , golden holy terror free reign in the household. There are no rules for this brat turned tyrant. The embattled child is always in fight or flight mode. There is no letting down, no relaxing of hypervigilence, no rest or freedom to express oneself authentically in this family constellation.

In some instances in adulthood the narcissistic sibling far in advance plots how he or she will deceive the parent (s) and gain full control over the family finances or trusts. This is shocking but it happens more often than one would think.

There are cases in which the golden narcissistic sibling intimidates brothers and sisters into taking his/her side against the scapegoated children. These battles become very ugly and can eventually rip families apart.

Rather than live in these dreadful circumstances many siblings break completely from their family of origin and move into a no contact mode. This is often painful since it is difficult for some to believe that a sibling with whom we share our DNA could be so treacherous. Coming to terms with this reality is essential to the healing process.

Learning about the psychological core and dynamics of the narcissistic personality recognizing their specific traits and the naked truth about them is the beginning of healing.

Acknowledging and appreciating your authenticity, the fact that you survived this series of hells is a huge step toward becoming whole. You went through these wars since childhood and have survived into adulthood. You deserve tremendous credit and acknowledgement for this achievement. So many of these survivors are among the kindest, most empathic and intuitive individuals I have every known. Here is to your continuing healing, your triumph as an individual and the unbounded use of all of your creative gifts. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Healing from Your Narcissistic Mother--Be Compassionate with Yourself

I have had conversations spoken and written with a number of daughters of narcissistic mothers. It has been eye-opening to meet so many women "raised" by exc narcissistic "mothers' who are highly empathic.
They suffered so much growing up with a mother who was cold, distant, often emotionally abusive and for some, physically cruel. Often the narcissistic mother was extremely jealous of her daughter and created psychological ambushes for her child. Constant criticisms and humiliations were part of the daily fare for  these daughters. Many of them grew up thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with them, even that they were intrinsically bad human beings. Time after time they were blamed for simply being born and making an effort to be an individual. What the narcissistic mother demanded could never be achieved because it was always a set-up, a trap, a road to nowhere.

These daughters grew up, often raising themselves and helping with their younger siblings. Another source of psychological pain was the brother or sister who was "golden", chosen by the narcissistic mother as the absolute favorite who would fulfill mother's need to have a  living facsimile of her "perfection."
Growing up with a narcissistic mother and golden narcissistic sibling is exceeding difficult and that is an understatement. 

Some narcissistic daughters report that they learned to keep their heads down from oncoming fire meted out by the cruelties and deprivations projected on to them. Some of these women describe creating entire worlds of the imagination in which they lived. Some escaped into books. Many hid in plain sight and became very quiet to hide and deflect from the frequent bursts of psychological venom projected by mother on to

For many of these daughters there comes a time of reckoning, of knowing that they can and will no longer take the maternal narcissistic abuse. They decide that they must be free to lead their own lives. This can involve a complete no contact break with the narcissistic mother. Other family members who have no understanding of the cruelties sustained by these daughters will often interfere and criticize them for their decision to separate from mother and become free to lead life on their terms. Relatives of this kind will never comprehend what these daughters have decided to do to reclaim their lives and this is none of their business and they deserve no explanation. Besides many of these relatives are incapable of seeing through the delusion, the false mask of their narcissistic relative.

As you experience the breath of freedom and feel your nervous system quieting for the first time, think about what you have done. You have survived despite all of the pain and  deprivation, as a unique bright talented kind and compassionate individual. This is huge! Now move forward with self care and compassion directed to yourself. Love that little child within you that kept faith with herself. Talk to her and cherish her loveliness and beauty. Take time to be with yourself  each day to quiet the mind in any way that works for you. It can be prayer, guided meditation, going into Nature. Follow your intuition as you allow yourself downtime, sleep, food that nourishes you and that you can savor, being around people that appreciate you and where there is a genuine exchange and warmth. Your creative gifts will move within and you will be surprised by their abundance. Feel the ease and grace within you and the inward smile that warms your lovely heart.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Monday, December 9, 2013

Stop Getting Off and On the Torture Ride with Narcissistic Spouse

Each time many spouses go back to their narcissistic spouse they know that this person has a chance of changing. They hold out that small candle of hope that this time it will be different because I am going to love him enough. This pattern is repeated, sometimes for decades, over and over again with highly painful, stressful and in some cases catastrophic results. It isn't your fault that you keep returning to your narcissistic spouse. However, one great option to avoid the plunge this time is to learn everything you can about this personality disorder of our times---the narcissistic personality disorder. You can change yourself and you keep trying but you cannot change them.

Begin your psychological and physical and emotional separation from him (or her) by learning perhaps for the first time, how to take very good care of yourself. Become entitled to the essentials: good sleep, a form of exercise that you either like or can tolerate, listening to music that you love, eating healthy food, doing a form of quieting the body/mind like guided meditation, simple hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose, tai chi, dance in a form that you enjoy, creativity---painting, sketching, spontaneous writing, photographing, being in Nature--even watching the birds in the park or a small space near you is a lovely interlude. You will think of many more ways to calm yourself, to learn to be alone with yourself and at peace.

As you grow stronger psychologically you will find that you are perceiving your narcissistic spouse more objectively. This person is constantly projecting his/her psychological venom on to you. That is abusive.
Your narcissistic spouse is regressed at the age of about the terrible two's regardless of worldly success, education or intelligence or talent.

Pay close attention to you intuition as it leads the way to your final liberation from this individual who has caused you so much pain on every level. You will continue to grow and evolve. I have seen this happen so often. I applaud every effort you make. Don't be judgmental on yourself. You deserve freedom, deep inner peace and the use of all of your many gifts. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Friday, December 6, 2013

Narcissistic Bridezillas--Honor Your Boundaries to Them II



Brideszillas are here to stay in our current narcissistic culture. Their tyrannical hold on entire families causes emotional chaos, disruption and psychological pain. From the smallest detail to the grand delusional vision of their royal role as "Bride" and Queen they are controlling and manipulative to the max.

Before the wedding you can know that you are dealing with one of these highly pathological individuals. Their level of civility and manners is thin and transparent. The smile is forced. The unblinking eyes tell you: "I am in command. You must do what exactly what I want or else."

Narcissistic bridezillas or not--Learn to practice self care. You might not have had anyone in your life who helped you to internalize a sense of entitlement to deep inner peace, to respect your thoughts and feelings, to treat yourself with gentle kindness. It is essential that we admit when we are wrong but to not continue to castigate ourselves. Learning to appreciate your individuality and your unique gifts is one of the most important realizations of your life. Part of self care is getting rest and sleep,having downtime when you can use your imagination, go deeply into the music you love, write spontaneously, dance and sing to music and do anything that brings you joy. Sometimes the smallest acts are the most profound from hugging our pets to speaking to friendly strangers, to covering ourselves with a favorite sweater or blanket.

If the narcissistic bride to be is part of your family, this is a special challenge. First, you cannot control the decision the couple has made to become wed. You can take charge of your internal and external behavior. Knowing who this woman really is will help you all along the way. Do not spend time with her completely alone if you can avoid it. When we are solo with any narcissistic personality, they find this opportunity to assault us with their negative primitive projections. Make every effort to stay out of that orbit. You don't deserve this kind of treatment; it is not about you. This is her psychopathology.

You are growing and becoming whole each day. Honor yourself and appreciate your authenticity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Children of Narcissistic Mothers--Push the No Contact Button--Restart Your Life

Those who have grown up with a narcissistic mother have endured  the emotional and psychological pain of narcissistic abuse and neglect. The narcissistic parent may have provided the essentials for you to survive, even given you material advantages. But there were empty pockets devoid of love, affection, respect, or genuine attention. These were absent from your life.

You may have been the golden child, the one chosen to be groomed to reflect the perfection and delusional expectations of the narcissistic parent. You may have been the child that was emotionally discarded and neglected. You always had that feeling that mom wanted you to disappear and never come back. You were a burden to her because you were a child. How dreadful is that! Or you may have been the invisible child who lived under the radar in your own home. Narcissistic mom went about her business of being the only person on the face of the earth who had any value; you didn't exist. You learned how to survive on your own early. In some instances siblings take pity on you and throw you a crumb or two. In many homes it is everyone for themselves--constant survival mode. In others some siblings bond together in order to deal with narcissistic mother's unexpected onslaughts and incoming fire.

Even in adulthood the narcissistic mother will not stop interrupting your life in her devious and obstructive ways. She riddles you with guilt when you don't call her. She criticizes your choice of marital partners, she wonders why you don't have children, she doesn't approve of your friends, etc., etc., etc.
Narcissistic mothers are clever at manipulating their adult children. They use guilt, threats of being removed from the family business or family trust, being shunned by the other family members if you don't stay in line. She has endless arrows in her quiver and knows just where to plant them.

For many adult children of narcissistic mothers a time comes when they can no longer take the abuse. It is gone one too long, taken too much from their lives, caused perpetual undeserved suffering. This is your call to make. The narcissistic mother is not going to change. She may have the rest of the family convinced that she is a wonderful, even loving human being. (These people have never seen her style of low down guerrilla tactics behind closed doors.) You are the witness; the one that knows the truth. Even other siblings who grew up in the same home with you continue to make excuses for her corrosive, damaging outrageous behaviors.

Recognize that you are entitled to lead a life that is free of this abuse. You deserve inner peace, a sense of freedom within yourself and in your relationships. You have many creative gifts and dreams you want to fulfill. Some adult children of narcissistic mothers decide that they will no longer be exploited by their narcissistic non-mother. They are reclaiming their lives. You can start by initiating a No Contact policy with the narcissistic mother. Your concern is not what other relatives or your mother think or feel about this or how they are reacting. Remember this life belongs to you. Take the reins in your hands, listen to the messages of your heart that are telling you this is your time to restart your life. Some individuals find that excellent psychotherapy helps them through this transition. If you go this route, make sure that you interview several therapists and that they are clinically trained and very empathic, have no money motive and, of course, are not narcissistic personalities. And always---take very good care of yourself. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  







Thursday, November 14, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Stop Feeling Guilty--It Wasn't Your Fault

I hear and read many life stories of adult daughters of narcissistic mothers who suffered horrible psychological deprivation and verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of their exceedingly cruel narcissistic mothers. They were as the great psychoanalyst Alice Miller said: "Prisoners of Childhood". That is a profound phrase that sums up the horrific experience of life with a narcissistic mother. This woman never wanted you and if she did it was her plan that you reflected her perfection. She needed to mold you into a mini-me child. When you objected to that, she punished you with terror, threats, violent rages and betrayals. She went down the list of her children until she found the one who was most like her and whom she could mold. Very likely that child became a narcissist and was the bane of your existence. No only did you have mother breathing down your neck you had to be wary of your sibling at all times. The other children cowered in the presence of these two and became shadows and echoes of mom. You were the stand out child--the one who knew that there was something very wrong and dark in the family.

Along the way you carried a lot of guilt about not loving your narcissistic mother. That's the rub. Now that you are well into adulthood, ask yourself: How is it possible to blame myself and feel guilty over something I could never control? I was a small child and had to survive. She was the one who punished me constantly, terrorized me within an inch of my life, had night raids when the greatest punishments even tortures took place.

Take a long look at yourself and your life. I know those who hold on the guilt and they are still suffering.
You can and will let go of this haunting from the past. You deserve so much more. Believe this with all of your heart. I know that you can heal. You have so much of yourself to activate. Learn self care--yes for the first time in your life--put yourself first. Rest, sleep, enjoy your spontaneous self, become immersed in what you love to do, learn to laugh out loud--even if people are looking at you funny. That's the best of all. Not giving a damn about what others think!!! Go for it all the way. Feel the joy of letting loose like a child dancing wildly to a great tune. Flow with your creativity--Feel your lovely heart open. Fly, Soar, Transcend!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
BOOK; FREEING YOURSELF FROM THE NARCISSIST IN YOUR LIFE  - AMAZON.COM
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Gaining Strength and Wholeness After Narcissistic Abuse

When we have been raised by a narcissistic parent or been married to a narcissistic spouse, it takes time and effort to first recognize the truth about what we have suffered. So many individuals blame themselves for narcissistic parents who controlled, manipulated and projected great cruelties upon them throughout their lives. Those who are married to narcissists are often in denial about the true nature of their spouse. They make the assumption that they don't deserve to be treated kindly, respectfully and with empathy. Abused spouses and children of narcissists go along to get along. They are in survival mode. Quite often, those who grew up in a home surrounded by narcissists tend to marry one. How dreadful is that! I know many of these individuals through my email and blog. There is a tendency to repeat with the choice of a narcissistic spouse what we experienced as children. There is a lack of entitlement to peace of mind and being valued for one's authenticity, creative gifts and precious individuality. The first step is to stop blaming yourself. The next is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality. This gives you the control and power to psychologically separate from the narcissist in your family of origin or your narcissistic spouse or both.

After you know the truth and are holding fast to it, your healing proceeds with learning to take very good care of yourself. Healing is a process that we work on all of our lives. Many of us don't know how it feels to be calm. We have lived in the Fight or Flight mode since before we can remember. It is "normal" for us. There is another way of being inside and in the world. That is the calming part of the nervous system--the parasympathetic nervous. In this place inside we feel safe, protected, grounded and free. This is your true nature and you deserve to feel this way. Your body/mind is inclined to put you in this state when you practice self care. This requires discipline and routine and a lot of patience and perseverance.

There are many avenues to the calming part of the nervous system. You will find your own that work for you in s special way. I will mention a few. One of the finest is acupuncture---ancient and powerful intervention that puts the patient in the parasympathetic mode of relaxation, inner safety and feelings of expandedness  and well being. Another is using yoga with the breath to focus on basic poses that lead to calm and the acquiring of body strength and excellent mental focus. Listening to your special music that you find calming is another way to access this part of the nervous system. Go deep into the music--let it take you to a lovely place. Be spontaneous with it. Music is magical in its power to heal. Some people find that writing spontaneously frees them up to express anything that is in their mind and heart. Some people find great peace in Nature--gardening is a refuge to many, cooking is another one that brings joy and relaxation.
Find what you love and do it regularly.

The healing is waiting for you to activate it inside yourself. Remember, you deserve this. Wishing you a lovely voyage along the road to your inner  peace, creativity and discovering beautiful mysteries that lie within you.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Narcissistic Daughter Conquers--Ruling Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters

Narcissistic daughters are tyrants--some by the time they are five years old or younger. Most people don't believe this but it is true. I have seen it numerous times and heard life stories about these tiny tyrants reigning terror on the family. In some instances the mother is a narcissist and, believing that her daughter is super special and perfect, provides her with a no limits environment. She is never told "No" to anything that she does or says. She runs with her impulses. She hits, kicks, screams, intimidates, plays games, accuses, tantrums, etc. whenever she feels the urge--which is often. Dad is controlled by narcissistic mom. He is like another child. The sorry state of brothers and sisters in this household is very painful to behold. When siblings hear the voice of this tiny fiend they run for cover. She lies, connives, plots and plans against them all of the time. She gets what she wants all of the time. She doesn't get into trouble because there are no real parents to correct her and show her a different way of behaving and thinking. She doesn't learn what is right and wrong from her parents. She never develops empathy.

As they grow these narcissistic daughters become more demanding, manipulative, scheming, psychologically lethal. Narcissistic mother proudly announces: . "My daughter is a force of Nature."---an ugly, catastrophic, destructive one. .

These daughters create havoc in the lives of their siblings indefinitely.  Eventually, some family members realize that they can no longer deal with this level of abuse. Some research the attributes of the narcissistic personality and recognize they are reading about their tyrannical narcissistic sister. They now know what happened when they were growing up. They were the scapegoats, the worriers, the anxious ones, the forgotten, the ones who  were tricked into taking the blame for anything that went wrong.  How unjust to say the least.

Knowing this truth, you have the power to disengage completely from your narcissistic sister. This can be complex but realize that this sick sibling is not going to change.
Move forward with your own life. Appreciate your authenticity, your empathy, your creative gifts and your individuality. Give yourself time to heal.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life   AVAILABLE AT AMAZON
Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Monday, November 4, 2013

From Budding Narcissist to Full Blown Pathological Narcissism

There is a young woman whom I have known as an acquaintance for the past ten years. I  met her when she was ten years old. This was in the context of a neighborhood party. Her mother is a fully developed narcissistic personality. Exceedingly self entitled, expecting perfection of others, physically vane to a fault, highly manipulative of her husband, friends, etc. this lady demands having her way and gets it. Her husband is a weak man who gives into her constantly. She is the ruler of the household and has complete control over her very naive spouse.

On one occasion I went over to their home to return some mail that had been sent to the incorrect address. After the preliminary greetings, the daughter who was ten years old at the time, suddenly asked me in a stark cruel tone: "What's wrong with your eye?" I was shocked by this personal question. I wondered for a moment if she could tell that I was wearing contact lenses. Many scenarios passed through my mind as I felt anger, outrage and shock run through my nervous system. My eye was healing from a  minor infection. Silence reigned. The mother didn't say a word, look at her daughter, apologize to me, tell her child not to invade some one's privacy and cause them emotional hurt and pain. I stepped into the breach and said: " There are personal questions you never ask another individual. This is impolite, disrespectful and inconsiderate." My words hung in the air. The girl sat defiantly in her chair, staring me down, daring me to speak further. Mother didn't react at all--not one eyelash quivered. In fact narcissistic mother appeared to be bored and restless and needing to "move on" from the entire incident. It was over for her before it began because it wasn't about her and how perfect she was. Her daughter was becoming a narcissistic Mini Me.  In addition her father was and is a fool about his little girl. She got away with whatever she wanted with him. I left this scene, knowing that there was a process in motion that would result in a full blown narcissistic disorder.

Recently, I spoke with the daughter in the company of her mother and got a more narcissistic vib from her. She is now a college student so full of herself she can hardly stand still. This young woman shows no interest, concern, understanding or care for others unless she is narcissistic supplies --praise, adoration, favors, accolades, intros into social circles, etc. from them. Her friends are Yes Sayers to her, small echoes of her highness. They laugh at those whom they see as inferior---meaning people who are not exactly like them.

This daughter will go through the rest of her life as a narcissistic personality, hurting everyone in her reach. She will make the lives of others pure misery unless they learn about the complex in-depth facets and many faces of the Narcissistic Personality. To learn about the NPD visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Repetition of Trauma with the Narcissistic Spouse/Partner

So often those who are married to narcissistic spouses or who have narcissistic partners are repeating an abusive cycle of behavior that they experienced in childhood and beyond. They move from the traumatic home where they were continually in a psychological state of siege to marriage to a narcissistic partner who always has them in a state of apprehension and in some cases--all out terror. Each moment they know that their narcissistic partner might come unglued and go into a violent vituperative rage. They know it will happen--the question is When? The narcissistic spouse is predictably unpredictable. Highly secretive, he/she is very controlling--even to the point of hacking your email, following your footsteps to the mall via your cell phone, watching and listening as you speak with friends. There is no where to hid, to find peace or respite.

For some this is a vivid reminder of their childhood with a narcissistic mother and/or father. When we are little, we know instinctively that we must survive. We do our best. We are so vulnerable. We walk the walk we are given and mouth the words that are spoken. For some, childhood is a kind of brainwashing, a prison, a gulag. Some children feel that there will never be a return from this place of desolation and constant fear. Who will rescue them? Who will come, they ask through their tears. Some children are afraid to cry. This can be dangerous after all if you get slapped in the face every time you show an emotion.

One would think logically that if we are raised in this horrendous environment in the world of the narcissistic parent we would never choose a narcissist as a partner. But this is frequently not the case. Unconsciously we are drawn to what is familiar albeit painful. And besides this, narcissists are so clever in the opening moves. They know how to catch our attention, how to magnetize us to them, how to make us fall in love or lust with them against every best judgment we ever had. They have phenomenal antenna and can sense our deepest needs and vulnerabilities--this despite that beneath it all, they don't give a damn about us.

Once the spouse knows that he/she is being victimized by a narcissist there is a great opportunity to leave this toxic person. But life isn't that simple or easy. Divorcing a narcissist is complex and ugly, usually. But I have known many who have done this and gone through the fire of this ordeal and come out very much alive, limping at first and then moving steadily faster toward a life that belongs to them. They have broken the pathological cycle of repetition. Life is waiting for them to take the next step---Their Very Own. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Use, Abuse, Dispose

We live in a narcissistic society today. Look around at those wielding the most power and influence. A large percentage of them are narcissists. (There are exceptions---individuals who have tremendous success and have great character and integrity).

Narcissists adopt a predictable cycle of Use, Abuse, Dispose. This pathological repetition can last a few weeks or decades, depending on how long you put your fate in the hands of a narcissistic personality. With a narcissist there is never an authentic relationship. He/she is a grandiose false self without conscience, empathy or compassion. Narcissists are ruthless and exploitive to the core.

Learn to recognize the NPD quickly and accurately. If they are oozing with too much charm and you get the intuition to step back, pay attention to this inner wisdom. Giving you the rush is part of their scheme to control and manipulate you. Narcissists always want something from you. If you think they love you, give that one up quickly. NPD's are users only--They put on the show of a lifetime--consummate actors at center stage with their adoring audiences.

Narcissists completely lack empathy--the ability to feel and understanding what another person is experiencing on a deep level. They also lack compassion and are not introspective. They are street savvy and know how to find your most vulnerable parts and learn how to play to perfection.

Once the narcissist has gotten what he wants--status, pleasure, power, connections, intrigue, romance, etc. he sends you out the door without an apology, true explanation or a hint of guilt. Remember, these individuals do not have a conscience so they don't experience guilt. They sleep very well at night while you are tossing about in emotional and psychological agony. Don't let this happen to you. Study these NPD's deeply and you will know how to identify them and keep them out of your life or show them the door with great dispatch.

Your life is precious. It belongs to you. You have many gifts. Use them---all of them and more. You deserve deep inner peace and relationships that are warm, loving, supportive and empathic. To learn about every facet of the NPD, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Monday, October 7, 2013

Socialized Sociopaths Do Their Dirty Work Unscathed--Free Yourself from Them

The socialized sociopath is alive and very well in our culture today. Their numbers are growing and they are striving at the expense of those who are most vulnerable--their children, siblings, spouses. The image is impeccable. They convince everyone to believe their lies. They lead many lives and continually deceive, exploit and destroy. They commit crimes of the heart by abandoning their children, literally and emotionally and through their perpetration of great harm upon them. They treat their spouses like dirt and wipe the floors with them. (But no one sees this horrific display of multiple treacheries).

Those who are awake and aware need to spread the word about these monsters living in our midst. Many of those whom you tell will not believe you so be selective. The truth is a rare commodity these days. Money is speaking more loudly on the public stage and in the offices of our CEO's and the movers and shakers in business and government.

It is time to rise to this occasion and extricate yourself from socialized sociopaths. If they are family members, go no contact with them. You don't have to explain yourself or give them any reason. It is none of their business. After all, they have made your entire life a living hell. Why make excuses for the disasters they have visited upon you.

Your best counter play is the way you lead your life, your healing process, the discovery and use of your many creative gifts and finding those who deserve to be in your company. Finding the best ways for you to calm your mind and your nervous system is an essential part of your new life. Do this daily and it will become a habit. Did you forget to laugh? Smile broadly? Be very silly? You never forgot. Get back into practice.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Becoming Whole after the Narcissist in Your Life

You have been through a long harrowing, gut wrenching and horrific experience with a narcissistic spouse or narcissistic mother, father or sibling. Most people do not understand what you have endured and how you have survived. They are too caught up in their lives and have short attention spans for the traumas and tragedies of others. However, you will find a few very unique individuals who will become part of your support system. In some instances an important part of your recovery will be working with a psychotherapist who is excellent and dedicated to you as a client and has an in-depth clinical background in the NPD and those who suffer from their countless cruelties.

One of the first steps is in believing that you can heal from this ordeal and that you deserve and are entitled to finally lead your own life without bending to the will and outrageous demands of the narcissist. If you were raised by a narcissistic mother or father, you needed to survive and played the part that was mapped out for you, often knowing that something was very wrong with one or both of your parents and/or siblings.
Human beings are meant to be whole, to experience inner peace, to give and receive love, to feel joy deep within them, to have full use of their creative gifts and to follow a spiritual pathway in the manner that each person defines this.

The essential healing factor is self care. You have spent most of your life, moving through the narrow psychological spaces that were required as a result of your relationship with a narcissistic personality.
Now you are no longer required to define yourself in this way. You are no longer a narcissistic supply or possession of the narcissist. You will find that that there is a place deep inside of you that is independent, spontaneous, creative, has humor and knows that your possibilities are boundless. You will not let anyone interfere with your forward trajectory. When the pain of past cruel deeds come to mind, you acknowledge it, understand their context and then return to your true self which always leads the way.

Learning how to calm the body/mind through meditation in a form that works for you is very helpful. Responding to you intellectual and creative curiosity is one of life's greatest gifts to us. We wade into an area of passionate interest and find ourselves deeply immersed--We are happily lost in our journey to understand what has fascinated us for so long. The company of caring, loving friends and companions is one of the best medicines for healing and wholeness. You deserve to receive the affection that others feel for you and to know that this is happening because these individuals are recognizing something special inside of you that is unique and wonderful.

Be open to the messages of your unconscious--your dreams that come each night to speak the truth in metaphors, extraordinary scenes, verbal messages, vivid colors and incredible characters that you create while in REM sleep. Listen to your intuition for new directions in your life. Be open and receptive and you will hear these messages with ease. Tapping into this gift of yours will become a natural part of your daily life.
The self seeks wholeness. That is one of its essential functions. Embrace this process and you will find the inner peace and inspiration you have been seeking all of your life and that you justly deserve. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com and talk with me at the narcissist in your life facebook.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Image is Reality for Narcissistic Personalities

Today we are bombarded by narcissistic messages--"I am superior, brighter, more attractive and successful than you." "I am more important than most people" This thinking and our society's embracing of it is all part of the narcissism epidemic that surrounds us. It is important to be highly aware of this current reality. There have always been narcissists since we were bipeds. Today narcissistic personalities are rewarded handsomely for having destructive personality traits: ruthlessness, chronic lying, deceit, duplicity, complete lack of empathy, exploitation of others, especially those who are psychologically and emotionally vulnerable.

For the narcissist---image is reality--that perfect look, the smile that gleams with whiter than white teeth, the impeccable wardrobe, the flawless tight skin, the perfectly sculpted body. All this is part of the narcissist's identity. Everything is externalized. People for him or her are objects to be used and disposed of, especially if they are spouses who have become inconvenient when the narcissist decides to move on to the next exciting phase of his life--a younger wife perhaps, a more attractive adoring husband with unlimited amounts of money, a lifestyle of self indulgence. 

The narcissistic image is revered throughout the western world. Beneath the surface where the truth lies, this person  is psychologically empty and carries unconscious feelings of self loathing. One would never think this, watching the narcissist in full regalia and acting at center stage but this is the truth.

Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Arm yourself with this knowledge. It is serve you well in your personal and professional life.

Above all, embrace your authenticity and use all of your creative gifts. You will be surprised what you find in these veins of gold within you. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Narcissistic Mothers Conceal Severe Abuse of Their Children

Narcissistic mothers fool most people who are living outside the home, even their close relatives and friends. I hear very sad, tragic life stories from daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers recounting in detail the horrors of their childhoods. In some cases the fathers of the abused children were kept in the dark about the full extent of the chronic abuse. Some dads simply turned the child raising over to his wife and became completely caught up in his career. In some cases the father was suspicious but turned a blind eye to the mental and psychological abuse perpetrated by his narcissistic wife. Like Pontius Pilate, he washed his hands of the whole matter.

No one knew that the NM was highly disturbed, chronically abusive and severely neglectful. Close relatives didn't see through the attractive convincing masks that the narcissistic mother wore. For her this was "Show and Tell" time---an opportunity to brag about her perfect children. The phony act was presented as a direct reflection of her love and devotion to her kids.

Some adult children subjected to this treatment describe their terror state as that of a prisoner in a far off gulag. No matter how they repeatedly tried to deal with mother--begging her that they would do everything to live up to her expectations, asking her for forgiveness for crying or politely requesting that their basic needs for regular meals and sleep be fulfilled. Screaming, even raising your voice was responded to with multiple slaps in the face, out of control spanking and repeated threats of abandonment. This horrid torture treatment began when these children were very small. Victims recollect to me that by the age of three they lived in constant terror--some fearful that they could not tolerate another second.

 Outside the house these mothers are worthy of Oscar winning performances. As a career woman the narcissistic mother takes advantage of every kudo she can get from her fellow business associates. She shows photographs of her children, chirping about them with great enthusiasm and pride. Everyone believes her--why not? NM is a consummate actress who will not be denied playing her star role to the hilt.

I want to express my respect, warmth, affection and gratitude for those who contact me and others who have not who lived through this nightmare every young day of their lives. You deserve great credit. You survived with your integrity and your true self. I am not for a moment disregarding your suffering. It was insurmountable.

I celebrate the unique human being that you are and will always be. May you continue to heal, to create, to feel peace inside and know that you are deeply loved. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Saturday, September 14, 2013

Stop Cycling Back to the Narcissist for More Torture

I frequently--more times than I can count--hear from men and women who are trapped in a severely painful pattern of returning to their narcissistic spouse or narcissistic parent. Each time they go back they believe that life with the NPD is going to be different. This is not true. With very rare exception --Once A Narcissist Always A Narcissist! If you are involved with a narcissist it may help you to repeat these words to yourself and recognize that you can no longer tolerate sharing your life with this highly pathological person.
I use the word "torture" ("the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain") in the title to emphasize how impossible narcissists make our lives with their multiple cruelties. Sadistic, cold, controlling, treacherous--they gain pleasure from weakening us, to have ultimate control over our being and in some cases to destroy us.

You don't deserve this. You didn't when you first became involved with this person. If you are the child of a narcissistic parent, you happened to be born by fate into a highly pathological family. First, ​know that this is not your fault. You are not to blame.

Some children grow up only knowing cruelty and torture. This is how their identities are shaped. The idea of being loved, feeling peace, protection or freedom is not part of their psychological repertoire. They have a prisoner of the gulag mentality and that is not surprising. We tend to repeat what we have experienced early in our lives. Some children have a sense that their narcissistic family members or their narcissistic spouses are very disturbed and they make a break for it early.

Being a child of  a narcissist lingers in the psyche, mind and heart. This innocent person did not get the bonding, loving touch and kind words of affirmation that he absolutely needed. He was criticized, thrown away, discounted and in severe cases---tortured.

Why would anyone return to this horrid scene of psychological massacre that almost killed our souls. Because human beings tend to repeat what they know, what is familiar. A child raised by a narcissist who feels undeserving and worthless and un-entitled will be drawn to partners who have a similar personality structure and will abuse them.

Over and over again the victim returns for more abuse, then leaves, then comes back and on it goes. In some cases the victim is broken and this is tragic.

Don't wait any longer. Understand who your narcissistic torturer is--through and through. Then make a decision that you will sever this non-relationship. Do the work of healing yourself through the methods that work best for you--excellent psychotherapy (Be careful--don't choose a narcissistic therapist), yoga practice that is gentle with emphasis on the breathing that quiets the nervous system, getting the sleep that you need and deserve, discovering and using your creative gifts, finding and nurturing loving and caring relationships. 

I know that you will end this cycle of abuse and torture. I have faith in your decision and action to change your life along the pathway of healing and wholeness and yes, peace.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Self Care---Key to Healing from the Narcissist

Whether you are the son or daughter of a narcissistic mother or father, the spouse of a narcissist or the  sibling of a narcissist you have been through a painful ordeal that caused you psychological and emotional pain.  You cannot erase this reality but you can heal and move forward with your life. You are entitled to feel secure, independent, hopeful, inspired, calm and in charge. As you unloosen the mental and psychological chains that have bound you--step out and appreciate your true true self, the person you were always meant to be.

Self Care is the beginning of healing after the narcissist.

1. Take time each day to be with yourself in solitude in the way that you define it. Set this time aside for yourself so that you will not be interrupted. Learn to quiet your mind for a few minutes at a time consistently through meditation, gentle yoga poses, listening to calming music, prayer and other activities that bring you inner peace. 

2. Make an effort to get the sleep that you need. You will be rewarded with a clear mind and an increase in your physical and mental stamina. 

3. Learn to say "No" to those who would take advantage of you--narcissists in particular. You have already had this painful experience. Your days of being manipulated and exploited are over.

4. Become less concerned about what others think of you when you activate your independent thinking. You are free now to express your own opinions.

5. Eat healthy foods that nourish all of your body systems including that part of the nervous system that keeps us feeling calm.

6. Express your creativity in ways that appeal to you---writing, painting, dancing, singing, cooking, gardening, designing, etc.

7. Form a support system of a few individuals whom you can count on anytime. This can take time. Be receptive to those who cross your path whom you think are possible candidates.

8. Take your sense of humor out of cold storage (if that is where it has been while you were under the control of the narcissist) and let her rip---If you are silly, go for it. If you are inclined toward dry wit, let's hear it. Each person has a unique sense of humor which is delightful. Humor saves us. This life is not easy and we must have humor as our constant companion.

9. Pay close attention to the messages of your intuition. Intuition is a gift we have as human beings. The more often it is used, the greater its power to guide us through life.

10. Practice receiving the affection and love that others offer to you. Embrace it and feel the warmth.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 





Wednesday, September 4, 2013

A New Beginning---Reclaiming Your Life from the Narcissist

 Visit my website:thenarcisisstinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Books: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcisistinyourlife.com

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

You Survived a Narcissistic Mother---Be Kind to Yourself

I hear from daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers who went through hell and back as children of narcissistic mothers. They psychologically discarded their kids except when it came to harsh torturous punishments. As adults they remember their mother's screams thundering through the house:"I never wanted you." "You are a piece of trash." "I wish I had aborted you." "You are to blame for every bad thing that ever happened to me." "You make my life miserable every day." When children are very little, some narcissistic mothers tell their children that because they are so bad, they are going to send them away. There is never an explanation to the child of what that means but it strikes terror in the heart of the child that lingers as a morbid threat.

The father in these family constellations is often very weak and terrified himself of his spouse. He becomes a workaholic and in some cases an alcoholic. He is completely unavailable to his children emotionally. Some fathers disappear and leave the home early in their childrens' lives. They are irresponsible and infantile and flee the scene without ceremony.

Moment to moment these children are living in what can be described as a prison. Their nervous systems are constantly jarred by the NM's demands and intimidations. Some children learn to tune out mother and they become numb to their own feelings. Others are in a constant state of fear, always waiting for the next catastrophe to arrive. Some children leave the home early and find relatives or friends who will take them in. And others stay in NM's gulag for the sentence of their childhood and teenage years. Some kids act out through alcohol and drugs and sexual escapades to numb the pain and take them temporarily out of their living nightmare. This is self destructive but not surprising.

As older teenagers and young adults these abuse victims leave the home from hell and make efforts to forge their own lives. Some of these children pick themselves up and move forward with their education and careers. On the surface some are successful but inside they carry the painful imprint of their time in the house of desolation with the narcissistic mother. Others have a difficult time functioning in the outside world. Some adult children repeat the childhood pattern by marrying narcissistic spouses who psychologically incarcerate them.

Blame and shame are often the legacies of having a narcissistic mother as well as residual feelings of anxiety and depression. First---don't blame yourself. You didn't ask to be born to a narcissistic mother. It happened and it is horrible but don't take this upon yourself. Focus your attention on a deep appreciation of who you really are and that you did everything to survive and achieved something great and very difficult.  Learn to be kind to yourself. This begins with self care. Acknowledge the wonderful unique person you are. Take time with the basics---good sleep, healthy eating, exercise in a form that works for you. Give yourself time each day to be quiet and uninterrupted where you can meditate, do basic yoga poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the nervous system. Writing what you are feeling and thinking privately offers many a source of freedom. Listening to music and allowing its beauty to become internalized inside is a source of healing. Gardening and being in Nature is a great healer. For many, having a dog or cat as a loving companion is just right for them. Some adult children find that excellent psychotherapy can help them work through many of the residual issues. If you decide psychotherapy is a possibility, I recommend that you interview several of them. I have found that there are fine therapists but there are others who are narcissistic and out for the money motive and making you dependent on them for that purpose.

Use your creative gifts--You have them. Be receptive to knowing what they are. Above all, use your intuition all of the time. It tells us the truth and is a companion throughout every moment of our lives.

I hold a special place in my heart for children of narcissistic mothers. I stand with you always. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Narcissistic Sociopathic Parents Want You to Remain Their Psychological Slaves

You are a slave to no one. As an adult now you either know this. If you do not, tell yourself this every day, during the day. You are a unique human being--love this person who is inside of you, this small child you have known all of your life. Many of us need to take time to hold our babies and whisper "I love you" to them.

In infancy and childhood and through the teen years those who grew up with narcissistic sociopaths were often treated horridly. You were at the disposal of your narcissistic sociopathic parent. The other --mother or father--was too weak, terrified, traumatized to protect you against this monstrous person who ruled the household.

In grammar school you were in stark fear as you counted the steps as you got closer to the front door of your house. Your heart rhythms beat like wild drums. Your mouth was dry. You wanted to scream but knew you dared not. He or she might hear you and the horrible drama already in progress would become more Hitchcockian. You may have asked yourself: Am I going to die tonight?" In the house you walked as quietly as possible, trying to be invisible and unheard as long as possible. Finally, the moment came when you faced the person who terrorized you the most. At night in bed you waited and heard every sound, every creak and murmur, always hoping that the beast downstairs would remain in his chair. (I use the pronoun he to represents male and female narcissistic sociopaths).

You survived that house of terror, desecration and desolation. You are the one who did it through each moment, day, months and years. That deserves our deepest respect. 

The narcissistic sociopathic parent is internalized in many of his/her children. The child feels at the mercy of these cruel and unpredictable individuals. Due to this fusion, some children feel like slaves even after they have physically left their homes. Working with the aftermath of growing up with a narcissistic sociopath parent often involves participating in skilled psychotherapy. Others use various healing modalities like gentle hatha yoga, varying forms of meditation, creative pursuits, support groups and friendships.

As you heal you learn that you belong to yourself, that your are genuine and precious. There is and never will be anyone like you on the face of the earth ever again. Let this truth sink deep inside of you. You will find your way along the path to freedom. You will fly like a great bird. I can hear your wings soaring higher and higher into the blue.Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com