Narcissists are often sadistic. Each one finds his or her own way of gaining pleasure from inducing emotional, psychological or physical pain in others, particularly their spouses, children and siblings. The look of terror in your eyes tells them they have triumphed over you and are under their control. That's what they live for---to manipulate and control the lives of others. This is an indication of their superiority and perfection. It is difficult for those who are involved in relationships with narcissists who are not narcissistic to believe that anyone could be so premeditatively cruel. You are a compassionate person with a conscience. The narcissist is not and has a very low level of consciousness. These individuals are often very bright, high achievers in the world, exceedingly gifted socially and convincing but they are highly pathological. Never mistake a brilliant mind for a kind heart. They often don't mix in the human equation.
Sadistic narcissists are clever at using specific mental devices that will make you fearful. Your nervous system is always in alarm mode when you live with a narcissist. Some children of narcissistic parents carry this fear inside of them. It takes time for them to recognize that they don't have to feel alarmed and apprehensive all of the time. There are other psychological states that they can experience: calmness, inner security, peace in solitude with oneself, the force of your personal power, delight in discovering and activating your creativity, the joy of giving and receiving affection and love, the pure fun of your spontaneity, the use of an invaluable gift--your intuition. All of these capacities are inside of you, waiting to be used to the maximum.
The beginning is recognizing exactly who this person is. Next, is the knowledge that you cannot change anyone else--especially a narcissist. You can change yourself and your internal and external responses to these cruel individuals. In marriages to narcissists, the abused spouse often decides that she or he can and will no longer deal with this abominable treatment and makes the decision to sever the relationship. In other instances, for example, as the adult child of a narcissistic parent, this person goes no contact with the narcissist or very limited contact. (if that is possible)
I have met people who have learned not to react with fear. I applaud them. This is difficult to do especially if you were raised in a traumatic home environment or had parents who didn't give a damn about you or who were perfectionistic and highly controlling. But it can be done with perseverance.
You can begin to use certain practices that will introduce calmness into your life. Keep yourself as physically healthy and strong as you can. Secondly, there are practices like meditation (in a form that works for you) which can be done through walking, sitting, spending quiet time with yourself that in uninterrupted and prayer. If done regularly you will be building core mental, emotional and psychological muscles that you can call upon at any time. You will feel yourself getting stronger and being less intimidated by the narcissist. You are separating more and more from his/her hold on you.
Develop your unique gifts and talents. Do what you love, creatively. This can take any form---art, writing, gardening, cooking, photography, sketching, knitting, keeping a dream journal,crocheting and hundreds of varieties of activities. These gifts and their flowering belong to you and no one else. Recognize, develop and use your intuition. The more you call upon it the stronger intuition becomes. It is our great companion throughout life. Re-start the life that you deserve, Now. Be kind to yourself. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life