Predatory Narcissists---Stop Feeling Sorry for Them

When a narcissist has come a hair's breath from destroying your life psychologically and emotionally, the focus must be on you and your welfare. Yes, it is tragic that most narcissists as children were conditioned to become cold, fraudulent false selves without empathy or conscience. But we must think about the incredible number of people they harm throughout their lives. One narcissists can emotionally endanger hundreds of individuals in very short order. First they don't have a conscience that slows us down.We think about the consequences to others before we act. We make every effort not to hurt others.
The narcissist leaves people discarded, alone, psychologically injured, emotionally desperate and immobilized without a twinge of conscience. While you spend you nights staring at the ceiling with your guts roiling and your mind torturing you, the narcissist is fast asleep. He doesn't have a conscience---his only concern is about getting caught. 

Narcissists are predatory---they know when we are vulnerable and will be receptive to their wiles, baits and seductions. Their timing is impeccable--they are so cunning. When all else fails they play on your empathy and use every trick to pull you back into their delusional life. They want to possess you and control you. Many women get caught up in this self destructive cycle that can become a life pattern.

Learn everything you can about the true predatory nature of the narcissists in all of his masks, using every trick in the the book and more. You will recognize what he is doing---tricking you to fuse with him again--sending you off on a detour that interrupts your life. The narcissist is unconcerned about what his intrusions are doing to you. He is a demanding, petulant child who knows exactly what he wants right now and will not be denied.
Trust your true self and honor it. You have been through a difficult life passage. You are entitled to lead a life where you are the author. Your destiny is to continue to evolve, to use all of your creative gifts, to give and receive love and to help yourself and others to find inner peace. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don't Wait for Your Narcissistic Spouse to Change

The narcissistic personality is fixed and impervious to change. Many of those who are on the receiving end of these "relationships" keep holding out the hope that if they fulfill the narcissist's demands and wishes, he or she will change their controlling, abusive behavior.

Time after time the injured spouse goes to therapy to re-do herself, to learn to become more patient and understanding. In some cases if the spouse goes to the wrong therapist, she will be pressured to believe that the problem is within the client's psyche. Some therapists assume that people who come to them are responsible for the problems in the marital relationship. They ask: "What are you doing that is irritating your husband?" "How can you be more understanding?" "Why don't you learn how to give a little?" Fortunately there are many excellent clinical professionals who are keenly aware of the psychological sabotage that the narcissistic spouse projects on his partner. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful and enlightening to the spouse who is considering leaving the marriage. The client comes face to face with the fact that he/she is married to a narcissistic personality disorder who is not going to change. She/he gets the message that the failed marriage is not all her fault. It is not possible to have a genuine marital union with a narcissist.

Narcissists are conditioned not born to this psychopathology. As small children they are taught directly or indirectly that it is perfectly fine to believe that your are superior to others, that you can manipulate and exploit anyone who is an obstacle to your goal, that a perfect image trumps substance, that being ruthless and careless with the feelings of others is essential to success. Empathy and developing a conscience is not part of the budding narcissist's vocabulary. They are given free reign to trample over others to win. Winning for the narcissist is everything. This parental influence becomes deeply embedded in the psychic structure of the growing narcissist. This disorder is highly fixed and rigid and disinclined to change.

If you are involved with a narcissistic partner or married to one, know that this individual will not change, ever. Stop making yourself sick over their constant  spewing of toxic projections, their put downs, their verbal sabotage, their putrid secrets, their explotive deeds.

Take your life in your hands. Create a support group you can count on. It can be one person with whom you can communicate. Think carefully about your own welfare for a change. Learn to appreciate all of your creative gifts. Embrace the beauty of your individuality. You deserve to lead a full rich life on your terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my websitethenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Stepmothers---No Fairy Tale

There are extraordinary kind women who become stepparents. They do everything they can, not to take the place of the biological mother, but to help children to whom they are entrusted to develop, grow, feel secure and confident within their proper roles.

Here I am talking about narcissistic stepmothers. These women often plot their way into your father's life. They view him as an excellent "catch", someone whom they can control. They don't give a damn about his children. What they want is to take every narcissistic supply from this man and his family. They are so brazen---they may have been having an affair with the father for years before the divorce papers were finally signed. Never be surprised at the gall of a narcissistic stepmother. It is not unusual for them to demand an elaborate wedding even if they have been married several times before and are way beyond the blushing bride stage. Every detail of the wedding is expected to be perfect--no expense can be spared. After all---the narcissistic bridezilla will be on full display. This is her moment.

After the wedding it becomes very clear that the pecking order has changed. These stepmothers have a very short honeymoon period with their new step children. They may know how to smile convincingly but behind this fakery, there is the truth. This woman intends to take complete charge of her new husband and to devalue the relationship that he has with his kids. These women make up convincing lies about the children. They complain about not getting the respect they are entitled to from these children. They say: "Honey, what am I doing wrong? You're kids don't like me. They are rude. I don't know what to do?" The father is so entranced and deluded with his new wife that he believes her. The children are unjustly reprimanded. These narcissistic step mothers do everything they can to alienate the children. They insist on spending long weekends alone without the children. They don't participate in helping the kids with school in any way. When the husband asks about this, the wife says that the children didn't want her assistance. This merry-go-round of lies, deceptions and manipulations never stops. Some children get off of this wild, cruel ride by becoming invisible in the household, spending most of their time at friends' houses, the library, etc.

Many children of narcissistic stepmothers and weak fathers grow up to be incredible human beings. I am not discounting the psychological pain they have experienced and the hurt they feel about being abandoned by their fathers. Some find other relatives who act as surrogate parents and become sources of great support. The adult children are often highly empathic individuals who made the psychological separation from the narcissistic stepmother and father who was fused with her. Many benefit from psychotherapy. Others have creative gifts which are a source of comfort and strength. These gifts belong to them. No one can interfere with their individual talent and their inspirations. Some of these children reach out to others who have grown up in similar family constellations and help them heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Toxic Narcissistic Couples---Sever these Relationships

When two high level narcissists become a couple and join forces they increase their power among those who are vulnerable to their many seductions. Narcissists don't have relationships---they make deals that will create lucrative connections. They plot their rise to power. They have no mental limitations to their goals. They don't have the burden of conscience or compassion to slow down their progress. Their "show" always goes on despite the psychological pain, angst, even emotional collapse they have caused family members, including their own children. They don't carry within them the empathy, which would take up their valuable time. They have perfected a pseudo empathy which is believable. They use this act successfully with those in their inner circle from whom they extract more narcissistic supplies.

Many narcissistic power couples hate one another's guts. Behind closed door they battle and bruise one another. When it's show time, they put on the elaborate makeup and costumes of their irresistible personas. They are masterful at interacting with people who will be highly impressed with them, to the point of becoming followers and members of their many social/business circles.

Learn to identify narcissistic couples quickly. Protect yourself from their allure and empty promises. Sever these pseudo relationships. They are psychologically toxic. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife..com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You are Stronger and More Genuine than Your Narcissistic Spouse

In the midst of listening to a narcissistic spouse screaming in your ear during one of his many tantrums, you wonder if you can take it anymore. You have been worn down by the daily verbal attacks, put downs and criticisms of your partner. At first many spouses believe that they can change their narcissistic partners. They make helpful suggestions, research how to create a happy, healthy marriage. Above all they give so much of themselves to solving the marital issues with the narcissist. Many non-narcissistic spouses go to couples therapy. The narcissist is he/she attends is inclined to sabotage the entire process. In some cases the narcissist convinces the therapist that his marital partner is unstable and flips this professional to his side. This is a nightmare. I do not recommend couples therapy with a narcissistic spouse. In many instances if there are financial assets involved the narcissist want to continue the relationship formally so that he can maintain his lifestyle and  and not give the spouse her due. Narcissistic spouses use clever accountants to hide their monetary worth so that if a divorce eventually occurs there is nothing left for the non-narcissistic spouse. I hear these painful life stories frequently. They are exceedingly cruel.In the meantime the narcissist has found someone else to impress and draw into his web. This person will become another victim.

When you recognize that you are married to a narcissist through your research, by means of good psychotherapy and your fine intuition, it is time to take action. You cannot reveal to your partner that he is a narcissist. It is highly inflammatory (even if it if the truth). The narcissist will throw this in your face and call you histrionic and unstable.

As you research the narcissistic personality disorder, you will recognize the person to whom you are married.
Do not be judgmental with yourself. You could not have known that this person was a narcissist. They conceal their pathology so skillfully and the narcissistic society gives them every opportunity to activate their grandiosity, self entitlement, ruthlessness and chronic lying.

You win against the narcissist by identifying and standing by your solid, strong self. You hold the truth-the narcissist lives in delusion not attached to reality. Your genuineness is a powerful part of your personality that keeps you grounded. You care about understanding yourself and are empathic with others. These are great strengths that you hold to while severing yourself from the relationship with the narcissist and for the rest of your life. When you are free of this burden you will expand your creativity, deepen your sense of peace and expand your consciousness. You are deeply in touch with yourself---that wonderful human being you were always meant to be. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses--Using You Up to the Max

I hear life stories every day about women and men who believed that the person they married genuinely loved them. What they didn't know was that this individual was a narcissistic personality and that made all the difference. One of the common themes is for the non-narcissistic spouse to begin to see the psychological and emotional cracks in the partnership quite early. She overrides these observations and makes a greater effort to be more understanding and patient with her spouse. Inside she blames herself for letting her partner down. She takes the burden of her spouse's severe pathology upon herself. (I am using the feminine gender since statistically most narcissists are still males--but the females are growing in numbers). There are some "good times" that are cherished by the spouse. She continues to believe that she can "fix the marriage."  She doesn't understand the true dark nature of the narcissist. Why would she? Her assumption is that most people are genuine, honest and caring and that the marriage is a true partnership. Narcissists don't marry---they create arrangements that work for them.

As the marriage deteriorates the narcissists makes more outrageous demands on his spouse. The bouts of bottomless rage increase. The recriminations and accusations are stepped up. If you have children, the narcissist is a father in name only. Often he portrays himself as a workaholic while he is having affairs on the side. He is a man of many identities---a consummate actor who always gets what he wants. Narcissists can exploit their partner to the breaking point. They don't care if you are weak, exhausted, ill, depressed, anxious or desperate. They will use and abuse to the max. And when they are finished they will discard you. This can end in a very ugly divorce where the injured spouse is left with almost no financial resources. The narcissist has planned in advance and cunningly whisked them away.

Your marriage to a narcissist does not have to end this way. Identify these individuals as early as possible. Make your own plans to free yourself from them. Keep your exit strategy to yourself. Gather your support group around you--It only takes one loving person to help you through this ordeal and passed it to freedom.
Pay close attention to your intuition. Do not override this invaluable gift. It will tell you exactly who this person is whom you married. There is an indomitable spirit inside of you that is strong, steady and sure. Listen to that internal voice. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Siblings of Narcissistic Brothers--Narcissistic Sisters--Heal and Prevail

Growing up in a narcissistic family with siblings with the same personality disorder is beyond challenging. Mother or father narcissist (or both) has seized upon one of your siblings (or more) as the perfect living model of their excellence. From the beginning it is obvious that this child is the One. All of the attention is placed on this child. Narcissistic mother idealizes this living supply and experiences this child as a perfect replica of herself. The blooming narcissist is allowed to psychologically demean, humiliate and harm his/her brothers and sisters. Mother
dismisses her other children as inferior. She makes fun of them, tells them they can't measure up to the chosen child and that she is too drained to listen or do anything for them. These narcissistic mothers have their priorities. The "imperfect" children are treated as servants in some cases. They do the cleaning, cooking, errands. They even pick up after the golden narcissistic child. One of the most painful incessant patterns is that they are constantly compared with the chosen one as inferior, lazy, dumb, ugly, a behavior problem, untalented, socially backward.

Those who survive this nightmare background need to take time to sort out who they really are. It certainly is not what their narcissistic mother projected on to them. That was coming from her dark unconscious. Some of them find that quality psychotherapy helps them acknowledge and experience their pain with a strong therapeutic alliance. Other forms of healing are learning to quiet the mind, gentle yoga and of course the use of your many creative gifts. Separating physically and emotionally from the narcissistic mother is an integral part of the healing process. Free for the first time in your life, you have only begun to rediscover yourself and appreciate your true nature. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com