He or she might not be a sociopath who commits outright crimes but narcissists do tremendous psychological and emotional damage to their children. Their psychopathological presence day after day has a profound effect on a small child. For the narcissist mother or father, the child is an object, a narcissistic supply that enhances his ego. The child is there is to make him look good, for others to view him in the sterling role of "good father." Some narcissistic mothers and fathers "mold" their children to become perfect facsimiles of themselves. Small children are groomed to become geniuses in academia, superior athletes, professional entertainers, high tech savants, etc. If the child doesn't satisfy the narcissistic parent's expectations he is cast aside. Being forced to become someone other than yourself is devastating to a small child. Being false to one's true self causes psychological chaos in the young psyche. As the child grows, the pathology grows. Some of these children become narcissists. Others are outcasts, scapegoats who are made to feel ashamed and worthless. Many children of narcissists never work through or recover from having a narcissistic parent. They suffer in a myriad of ways. They feel like frauds. Some are ashamed and confused about their true identities and go on to move into dysfunctional marriages, often to narcissists.
Some children survive the narcissistic parent, assert their true identities, fight for it and individuate out of the narcissistic family. I have heard of many cases of these strong, persevering individuals who have won this uphill battle. One lesson is to research, observe and study every facet of the narcissistic personality so that you will not place your marital fate and that of your children in the hands of a narcissist. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Exhibitionistic Narcissist
Exhibitionism is the act or practice of deliberately behaving to attract attention to oneself. (I am not speaking of the perversion)
Many narcissists are exhibitionists, constantly attracting attention to themselves, many through their impeccable physical appearance, their clothing, their grand gestures, their incessant self reference talk. This is the elaborate mask. Some narcissistic couples play off one another like they are on stage and the audience is about to clap wildly for them. You have the narcissist who comes with entourage, his/her adoring audience. When the party is over, the meeting completed, the dinner plates put away and you are alone---the transformation takes place. The voice turns cold, cruel. The face reddens with rage; the accusations begins; the criticisms start anew. Time passes and the narcissist is called to his public and there he is ---embodied perfection--like he's been walking in the spotlight all of his life. I hear from so many who have witnessed this double act too many times and are suffering horribly. They are the victims of the narcissist's psychological duality.
The beginning of healing from or avoiding entanglement with the narcissist is to learn about every facet of their personality and to develop skills and strategies for protecting yourself and keep you growing as a solid separate individual. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book:amazon.com
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Many narcissists are exhibitionists, constantly attracting attention to themselves, many through their impeccable physical appearance, their clothing, their grand gestures, their incessant self reference talk. This is the elaborate mask. Some narcissistic couples play off one another like they are on stage and the audience is about to clap wildly for them. You have the narcissist who comes with entourage, his/her adoring audience. When the party is over, the meeting completed, the dinner plates put away and you are alone---the transformation takes place. The voice turns cold, cruel. The face reddens with rage; the accusations begins; the criticisms start anew. Time passes and the narcissist is called to his public and there he is ---embodied perfection--like he's been walking in the spotlight all of his life. I hear from so many who have witnessed this double act too many times and are suffering horribly. They are the victims of the narcissist's psychological duality.
The beginning of healing from or avoiding entanglement with the narcissist is to learn about every facet of their personality and to develop skills and strategies for protecting yourself and keep you growing as a solid separate individual. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book:amazon.com
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Don't Let the Narcissist Get the Better of You
Narcissists always have to win even if the contest is rigged. Whether you are in a business arrangement, a marriage, a custody battle, the narcissist will insist on vanquishing you even when the truth and the law are on your side. Narcissists are clever at using their material resources and influence to "persuade" others that they are right even when the opposite is true. This is easier for the narcissist than most mortals because he/she doesn't have a conscience. The narcissistic frame of reference for a conscience is not getting caught and the cover-up.
In marital relationships the narcissist is absolutely charming and socially appropriate in public. Everyone is congratulating you: "How lucky you are to be married to such a fascinating and delightful man." "He is extraordinary on every level." Some people are envious of those who are married to narcissistic spouses, never realizing how wretched they are in private. I hear this comment so often from those who write to me about their marriage horrors.
If you are not going along with the narcissist's program of waiting on him/her, satisfying every need on his timetable (which means instantaneously) taking his outrageous criticisms to heart, and providing him with a steady stream of adulation---you are in trouble. The narcissist turns very ugly and tries to pick you apart, piece by piece. He is loud, in your face, making false accusations, screaming epithets, shaming you. So often spouses cower and are bent low and feel like they being drowned by this constant onslaught of negativity. Many spouses give in and tell themselves and their mate that they will try harder and do it better the next time. They promise. This is letting the narcissist get the better of you. He is not only running your life; he is metaphorically taking it away from you. All of your energy is spent being his servant and recovering from his tirades.
Be aware that you can stop this pathological cycle. The narcissist isn't going to change. You can reclaim your life. You have a decision to make. Can you stay with the narcissistic spouse and learn how to be emotionally detached and not take his tirades and demands seriously. Can you move on to nurture your own gifts and energies in directions of your choosing. Or is this impossible under the circumstances. Is it time to sever the relationship formally. I say formally because marriage to a narcissist is not a true marriage. There is no true reciprocation and love, no mutual respect, no empathy, no intertwined values.
Think carefully about your priorities and let your intuition lead the way together with detailed research about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
In marital relationships the narcissist is absolutely charming and socially appropriate in public. Everyone is congratulating you: "How lucky you are to be married to such a fascinating and delightful man." "He is extraordinary on every level." Some people are envious of those who are married to narcissistic spouses, never realizing how wretched they are in private. I hear this comment so often from those who write to me about their marriage horrors.
If you are not going along with the narcissist's program of waiting on him/her, satisfying every need on his timetable (which means instantaneously) taking his outrageous criticisms to heart, and providing him with a steady stream of adulation---you are in trouble. The narcissist turns very ugly and tries to pick you apart, piece by piece. He is loud, in your face, making false accusations, screaming epithets, shaming you. So often spouses cower and are bent low and feel like they being drowned by this constant onslaught of negativity. Many spouses give in and tell themselves and their mate that they will try harder and do it better the next time. They promise. This is letting the narcissist get the better of you. He is not only running your life; he is metaphorically taking it away from you. All of your energy is spent being his servant and recovering from his tirades.
Be aware that you can stop this pathological cycle. The narcissist isn't going to change. You can reclaim your life. You have a decision to make. Can you stay with the narcissistic spouse and learn how to be emotionally detached and not take his tirades and demands seriously. Can you move on to nurture your own gifts and energies in directions of your choosing. Or is this impossible under the circumstances. Is it time to sever the relationship formally. I say formally because marriage to a narcissist is not a true marriage. There is no true reciprocation and love, no mutual respect, no empathy, no intertwined values.
Think carefully about your priorities and let your intuition lead the way together with detailed research about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Become Whole-You Don't Need the Narcissist
We are always a work in progress--like a great painting, a bubbling spring, a snow melt waterfall, tendrils of fresh new leaves. We look to Nature and always find movement. We were created to grow, to move, to become.
The narcissist is stuck. He or she may appear to be advancing at warp speed in his profession, power grabs, acquisitions, seizures of power. Inside the narcissist is developmentally arrested. He is a petulant child, a false self who unconsciously feels empty and worthless.
When we wake up, even for a short time, and recognize that we have attached ourselves to a severe personality disorder that is most unlikely to change, many decide to make the shift and leap to change themselves.
The true self, that which is most genuine within us, is always moving toward wholeness and healing. This is a natural law. When we provide the conditions for healing---the barriers come down, the obstacles are removed and we move forward toward a new perception of ourselves that has been waiting to receive us for a long time. Wholeness is is not achieved automatically. It requires consistent work, commitment and discipline. So often we feel the pull of getting off track, the temptation to return to the narcissist and the compelling desire of going back into the narcissist's delusional world. It is so irresistable.
There comes a tipping point when we can no longer return to that delusional world. We have suffered too much, know ourselves too well and have had a taste of the sweet aroma, the healing sound, the endless psychological and spiritual bounty of wholeness. We follow the intuitive thread, always present within us, that leads to the part of us that has been present withn us since birth and that calls us to be well, whole, at peace.
Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
The narcissist is stuck. He or she may appear to be advancing at warp speed in his profession, power grabs, acquisitions, seizures of power. Inside the narcissist is developmentally arrested. He is a petulant child, a false self who unconsciously feels empty and worthless.
When we wake up, even for a short time, and recognize that we have attached ourselves to a severe personality disorder that is most unlikely to change, many decide to make the shift and leap to change themselves.
The true self, that which is most genuine within us, is always moving toward wholeness and healing. This is a natural law. When we provide the conditions for healing---the barriers come down, the obstacles are removed and we move forward toward a new perception of ourselves that has been waiting to receive us for a long time. Wholeness is is not achieved automatically. It requires consistent work, commitment and discipline. So often we feel the pull of getting off track, the temptation to return to the narcissist and the compelling desire of going back into the narcissist's delusional world. It is so irresistable.
There comes a tipping point when we can no longer return to that delusional world. We have suffered too much, know ourselves too well and have had a taste of the sweet aroma, the healing sound, the endless psychological and spiritual bounty of wholeness. We follow the intuitive thread, always present within us, that leads to the part of us that has been present withn us since birth and that calls us to be well, whole, at peace.
Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Friday, August 27, 2010
Defusing the Power of the Narcissistic Mother-in-Law
Mothers-in-laws are the subject of innumerable jokes. If you have a narcissistic mother-in-law, it isn't funny. It's painful, unpredictable, exasperating and emotionally draining. There are specific character traits that give these individuals away. The narcissist is consummately self absorbed, controlling, demanding, manipulative, deceitful and, very important-----lacks empathy. If she is very clever, the narcissist starts out with her charm offensive. She's all aglow, meeting your eyes with fascination and deep interest. It feels like this woman actually cares about you and wants to deepen the relationship. This is the lure and bait she uses to convince you that her positive intentions are genuine. There is nothing authentic about a narcissist. These individuals have been operating as false grandiose selves since childhood. Their acts are impeccably played. They fool the best of us.
Unless she is distracted by something monumental in her life, she will stick her nose into yours by meddling in all of our personal business. If you don't cooperate about her orchestrations, she will make every effort to turn her son, your spouse against you with vicious lies, secrets about your family background, the steady clever drip of criticisms about the way you handle your children, balance your career, friends, not to leave out, her opinion of your sordid family background. Much of this sniping is done behind your back---in the shadows where people speak in whispers and say "Don't tell", know that this private information will be broadcasted widely and cause maximum psychological harm to it prospective victim.
In this tough situation, call upon yourself and your spouse. You don't deserve to be treated with scorn and duplicity by anyone, including a family member. Speak the truth and let her know with civility and clarity that you deserve respect. It is you and your spouse's role to make the boundaries clear. He must be assertive with his mother when she has stepped over the line---and if she is a narcissist bent on meddling, she will.
Maintain a sense of psychological steadiness by focusing on your top priorities. Sometimes it is possible to work with a narcissistic mother-in-law by consistently and calmly making the boundaries clear. In other instances, if the in-law is particularly recalcitrant, family interaction is limited or in severe cases, severed.
You cannot change a narcissistic mother-in-law who is out to control and destroy every one's individuality, inner peace and sense of joy. You can be and change yourself. That is what is required of us----to play our parts on this earth with integrity, authenticity, compassion sprinkled with a hearty dose of humor. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Unless she is distracted by something monumental in her life, she will stick her nose into yours by meddling in all of our personal business. If you don't cooperate about her orchestrations, she will make every effort to turn her son, your spouse against you with vicious lies, secrets about your family background, the steady clever drip of criticisms about the way you handle your children, balance your career, friends, not to leave out, her opinion of your sordid family background. Much of this sniping is done behind your back---in the shadows where people speak in whispers and say "Don't tell", know that this private information will be broadcasted widely and cause maximum psychological harm to it prospective victim.
In this tough situation, call upon yourself and your spouse. You don't deserve to be treated with scorn and duplicity by anyone, including a family member. Speak the truth and let her know with civility and clarity that you deserve respect. It is you and your spouse's role to make the boundaries clear. He must be assertive with his mother when she has stepped over the line---and if she is a narcissist bent on meddling, she will.
Maintain a sense of psychological steadiness by focusing on your top priorities. Sometimes it is possible to work with a narcissistic mother-in-law by consistently and calmly making the boundaries clear. In other instances, if the in-law is particularly recalcitrant, family interaction is limited or in severe cases, severed.
You cannot change a narcissistic mother-in-law who is out to control and destroy every one's individuality, inner peace and sense of joy. You can be and change yourself. That is what is required of us----to play our parts on this earth with integrity, authenticity, compassion sprinkled with a hearty dose of humor. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Is Your Child Becoming A Budding Narcissist
I have received a number of communications from many readers who have expressed great concern that they believe they have a budding narcissistic child. I also hear heartbreaking life stories of mothers and fathers who are being mistreated, dismissed and manipulated by their adult narcissistic children. If you are married to a narcissist there is no certainty that your child will become a narcissist. With your input as a loving parent, your child's chances of becoming a solid compassionate human being are increased immeasurably. One should not play down the fact that a narcissistic mother or father will leave some kind of negative psychological imprint on his/her child.
As parents we are required to protect our children on every level. One of these ways is to observe and be honest with ourselves about our children. Is one child being chosen as a special golden one? Is the narcissistic parent giving the child special privileges and a lack of limits attitude not permitted to the other children in the family. Is the child mimicking the narcissistic mother or father by behaving with coldness, lack of empathy, manipulatoin and intimidation toward his siblings, playmates and other family members. Are there reports from preschool or school of bullying and treating other students with a harsh lack of respect. Parent's intuition is a very powerful tool. It will tell you what is happening to your child. The truth is very difficult to face but essential.
When a child is young it is possible to get them the professional help that they need to shift the trajectory of the development away from narcissistic personality disorder. It will take research and patience to find the best psychotherapist who works with children who are moving toward becoming narcissists. The problem becomes one of dealing with the narcissist spouse and parent who may not be cooperative about having his/her child in therapy. After all, the narcissist is perfect and so is his child. It is well worth taking on this challenge. You may need to seek professional help yourself in making these decisions and working through this process for the sake of your child and the family, including yourself.
Raising a loving, empathic child who becomes a deeply caring human being represents the first parental priority. Fancy schooling, being popular, being a star in class all fade in comparision with looking at our children and knowing that they are capable of giving and receiving love and that they are contributing to the precious human universal web of life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consulation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
As parents we are required to protect our children on every level. One of these ways is to observe and be honest with ourselves about our children. Is one child being chosen as a special golden one? Is the narcissistic parent giving the child special privileges and a lack of limits attitude not permitted to the other children in the family. Is the child mimicking the narcissistic mother or father by behaving with coldness, lack of empathy, manipulatoin and intimidation toward his siblings, playmates and other family members. Are there reports from preschool or school of bullying and treating other students with a harsh lack of respect. Parent's intuition is a very powerful tool. It will tell you what is happening to your child. The truth is very difficult to face but essential.
When a child is young it is possible to get them the professional help that they need to shift the trajectory of the development away from narcissistic personality disorder. It will take research and patience to find the best psychotherapist who works with children who are moving toward becoming narcissists. The problem becomes one of dealing with the narcissist spouse and parent who may not be cooperative about having his/her child in therapy. After all, the narcissist is perfect and so is his child. It is well worth taking on this challenge. You may need to seek professional help yourself in making these decisions and working through this process for the sake of your child and the family, including yourself.
Raising a loving, empathic child who becomes a deeply caring human being represents the first parental priority. Fancy schooling, being popular, being a star in class all fade in comparision with looking at our children and knowing that they are capable of giving and receiving love and that they are contributing to the precious human universal web of life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consulation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Is Your Child a Budding Narcissist
I have received a number of communications from many readers who have expressed great concern that they believe they have a budding narcissistic child. I also hear heartbreaking life stories of mothers and fathers who are being mistreated, dismissed and manipulated by their adult narcissistic children. If you are married to a narcissist there is no certainty that your child will become a narcissist. With your input as a loving parent, your child's chances of becoming a solid compassionate human being are increased immeasurably. One should not play down the fact that a narcissistic mother or father will leave some kind of negative psychological imprint on his/her child.
As parents we are required to protect our children on every level. One of these ways is to observe and be honest with ourselves about our children. Is one child being chosen as a special golden one? Is the narcissistic parent giving the child special privileges and a lack of limits attitude not permitted to the other children in the family. Is the child mimicking the narcissistic mother or father by behaving with coldness, lack of empathy, manipulation and intimidation toward his siblings, playmates and other family members. Are there reports from preschool or school of bullying and treating other students with a harsh lack of respect. Parent's intuition is a very powerful tool. It will tell you what is happening to your child. The truth is very difficult to face but essential.
When a child is young it is possible to get them the professional help that they need to shift the trajectory of the development away from narcissistic personality disorder. It will take research and patience to find the best psychotherapist who works with children who are moving toward becoming narcissists. The problem becomes one of dealing with the narcissist spouse and parent who may not be cooperative about having his/her child in therapy. After all, the narcissist is perfect and so is his child. It is well worth taking on this challenge. You may need to seek professional help yourself in making these decisions and working through this process for the sake of your child and the family, including yourself.
Raising a loving, empathic child who becomes a deeply caring human being represents the first parental priority. Fancy schooling, being popular, being a star in class all fade in comparisons with looking at our children and knowing that they are capable of giving and receiving love and that they are contributing to the precious human universal web of life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consulation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
As parents we are required to protect our children on every level. One of these ways is to observe and be honest with ourselves about our children. Is one child being chosen as a special golden one? Is the narcissistic parent giving the child special privileges and a lack of limits attitude not permitted to the other children in the family. Is the child mimicking the narcissistic mother or father by behaving with coldness, lack of empathy, manipulation and intimidation toward his siblings, playmates and other family members. Are there reports from preschool or school of bullying and treating other students with a harsh lack of respect. Parent's intuition is a very powerful tool. It will tell you what is happening to your child. The truth is very difficult to face but essential.
When a child is young it is possible to get them the professional help that they need to shift the trajectory of the development away from narcissistic personality disorder. It will take research and patience to find the best psychotherapist who works with children who are moving toward becoming narcissists. The problem becomes one of dealing with the narcissist spouse and parent who may not be cooperative about having his/her child in therapy. After all, the narcissist is perfect and so is his child. It is well worth taking on this challenge. You may need to seek professional help yourself in making these decisions and working through this process for the sake of your child and the family, including yourself.
Raising a loving, empathic child who becomes a deeply caring human being represents the first parental priority. Fancy schooling, being popular, being a star in class all fade in comparisons with looking at our children and knowing that they are capable of giving and receiving love and that they are contributing to the precious human universal web of life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consulation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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