Children of Narcissistic Mothers--Push the No Contact Button--Restart Your Life

Those who have grown up with a narcissistic mother have endured  the emotional and psychological pain of narcissistic abuse and neglect. The narcissistic parent may have provided the essentials for you to survive, even given you material advantages. But there were empty pockets devoid of love, affection, respect, or genuine attention. These were absent from your life.

You may have been the golden child, the one chosen to be groomed to reflect the perfection and delusional expectations of the narcissistic parent. You may have been the child that was emotionally discarded and neglected. You always had that feeling that mom wanted you to disappear and never come back. You were a burden to her because you were a child. How dreadful is that! Or you may have been the invisible child who lived under the radar in your own home. Narcissistic mom went about her business of being the only person on the face of the earth who had any value; you didn't exist. You learned how to survive on your own early. In some instances siblings take pity on you and throw you a crumb or two. In many homes it is everyone for themselves--constant survival mode. In others some siblings bond together in order to deal with narcissistic mother's unexpected onslaughts and incoming fire.

Even in adulthood the narcissistic mother will not stop interrupting your life in her devious and obstructive ways. She riddles you with guilt when you don't call her. She criticizes your choice of marital partners, she wonders why you don't have children, she doesn't approve of your friends, etc., etc., etc.
Narcissistic mothers are clever at manipulating their adult children. They use guilt, threats of being removed from the family business or family trust, being shunned by the other family members if you don't stay in line. She has endless arrows in her quiver and knows just where to plant them.

For many adult children of narcissistic mothers a time comes when they can no longer take the abuse. It is gone one too long, taken too much from their lives, caused perpetual undeserved suffering. This is your call to make. The narcissistic mother is not going to change. She may have the rest of the family convinced that she is a wonderful, even loving human being. (These people have never seen her style of low down guerrilla tactics behind closed doors.) You are the witness; the one that knows the truth. Even other siblings who grew up in the same home with you continue to make excuses for her corrosive, damaging outrageous behaviors.

Recognize that you are entitled to lead a life that is free of this abuse. You deserve inner peace, a sense of freedom within yourself and in your relationships. You have many creative gifts and dreams you want to fulfill. Some adult children of narcissistic mothers decide that they will no longer be exploited by their narcissistic non-mother. They are reclaiming their lives. You can start by initiating a No Contact policy with the narcissistic mother. Your concern is not what other relatives or your mother think or feel about this or how they are reacting. Remember this life belongs to you. Take the reins in your hands, listen to the messages of your heart that are telling you this is your time to restart your life. Some individuals find that excellent psychotherapy helps them through this transition. If you go this route, make sure that you interview several therapists and that they are clinically trained and very empathic, have no money motive and, of course, are not narcissistic personalities. And always---take very good care of yourself. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Stop Feeling Guilty--It Wasn't Your Fault

I hear and read many life stories of adult daughters of narcissistic mothers who suffered horrible psychological deprivation and verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of their exceedingly cruel narcissistic mothers. They were as the great psychoanalyst Alice Miller said: "Prisoners of Childhood". That is a profound phrase that sums up the horrific experience of life with a narcissistic mother. This woman never wanted you and if she did it was her plan that you reflected her perfection. She needed to mold you into a mini-me child. When you objected to that, she punished you with terror, threats, violent rages and betrayals. She went down the list of her children until she found the one who was most like her and whom she could mold. Very likely that child became a narcissist and was the bane of your existence. No only did you have mother breathing down your neck you had to be wary of your sibling at all times. The other children cowered in the presence of these two and became shadows and echoes of mom. You were the stand out child--the one who knew that there was something very wrong and dark in the family.

Along the way you carried a lot of guilt about not loving your narcissistic mother. That's the rub. Now that you are well into adulthood, ask yourself: How is it possible to blame myself and feel guilty over something I could never control? I was a small child and had to survive. She was the one who punished me constantly, terrorized me within an inch of my life, had night raids when the greatest punishments even tortures took place.

Take a long look at yourself and your life. I know those who hold on the guilt and they are still suffering.
You can and will let go of this haunting from the past. You deserve so much more. Believe this with all of your heart. I know that you can heal. You have so much of yourself to activate. Learn self care--yes for the first time in your life--put yourself first. Rest, sleep, enjoy your spontaneous self, become immersed in what you love to do, learn to laugh out loud--even if people are looking at you funny. That's the best of all. Not giving a damn about what others think!!! Go for it all the way. Feel the joy of letting loose like a child dancing wildly to a great tune. Flow with your creativity--Feel your lovely heart open. Fly, Soar, Transcend!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
BOOK; FREEING YOURSELF FROM THE NARCISSIST IN YOUR LIFE  - AMAZON.COM
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Gaining Strength and Wholeness After Narcissistic Abuse

When we have been raised by a narcissistic parent or been married to a narcissistic spouse, it takes time and effort to first recognize the truth about what we have suffered. So many individuals blame themselves for narcissistic parents who controlled, manipulated and projected great cruelties upon them throughout their lives. Those who are married to narcissists are often in denial about the true nature of their spouse. They make the assumption that they don't deserve to be treated kindly, respectfully and with empathy. Abused spouses and children of narcissists go along to get along. They are in survival mode. Quite often, those who grew up in a home surrounded by narcissists tend to marry one. How dreadful is that! I know many of these individuals through my email and blog. There is a tendency to repeat with the choice of a narcissistic spouse what we experienced as children. There is a lack of entitlement to peace of mind and being valued for one's authenticity, creative gifts and precious individuality. The first step is to stop blaming yourself. The next is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality. This gives you the control and power to psychologically separate from the narcissist in your family of origin or your narcissistic spouse or both.

After you know the truth and are holding fast to it, your healing proceeds with learning to take very good care of yourself. Healing is a process that we work on all of our lives. Many of us don't know how it feels to be calm. We have lived in the Fight or Flight mode since before we can remember. It is "normal" for us. There is another way of being inside and in the world. That is the calming part of the nervous system--the parasympathetic nervous. In this place inside we feel safe, protected, grounded and free. This is your true nature and you deserve to feel this way. Your body/mind is inclined to put you in this state when you practice self care. This requires discipline and routine and a lot of patience and perseverance.

There are many avenues to the calming part of the nervous system. You will find your own that work for you in s special way. I will mention a few. One of the finest is acupuncture---ancient and powerful intervention that puts the patient in the parasympathetic mode of relaxation, inner safety and feelings of expandedness  and well being. Another is using yoga with the breath to focus on basic poses that lead to calm and the acquiring of body strength and excellent mental focus. Listening to your special music that you find calming is another way to access this part of the nervous system. Go deep into the music--let it take you to a lovely place. Be spontaneous with it. Music is magical in its power to heal. Some people find that writing spontaneously frees them up to express anything that is in their mind and heart. Some people find great peace in Nature--gardening is a refuge to many, cooking is another one that brings joy and relaxation.
Find what you love and do it regularly.

The healing is waiting for you to activate it inside yourself. Remember, you deserve this. Wishing you a lovely voyage along the road to your inner  peace, creativity and discovering beautiful mysteries that lie within you.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Daughter Conquers--Ruling Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters

Narcissistic daughters are tyrants--some by the time they are five years old or younger. Most people don't believe this but it is true. I have seen it numerous times and heard life stories about these tiny tyrants reigning terror on the family. In some instances the mother is a narcissist and, believing that her daughter is super special and perfect, provides her with a no limits environment. She is never told "No" to anything that she does or says. She runs with her impulses. She hits, kicks, screams, intimidates, plays games, accuses, tantrums, etc. whenever she feels the urge--which is often. Dad is controlled by narcissistic mom. He is like another child. The sorry state of brothers and sisters in this household is very painful to behold. When siblings hear the voice of this tiny fiend they run for cover. She lies, connives, plots and plans against them all of the time. She gets what she wants all of the time. She doesn't get into trouble because there are no real parents to correct her and show her a different way of behaving and thinking. She doesn't learn what is right and wrong from her parents. She never develops empathy.

As they grow these narcissistic daughters become more demanding, manipulative, scheming, psychologically lethal. Narcissistic mother proudly announces: . "My daughter is a force of Nature."---an ugly, catastrophic, destructive one. .

These daughters create havoc in the lives of their siblings indefinitely.  Eventually, some family members realize that they can no longer deal with this level of abuse. Some research the attributes of the narcissistic personality and recognize they are reading about their tyrannical narcissistic sister. They now know what happened when they were growing up. They were the scapegoats, the worriers, the anxious ones, the forgotten, the ones who  were tricked into taking the blame for anything that went wrong.  How unjust to say the least.

Knowing this truth, you have the power to disengage completely from your narcissistic sister. This can be complex but realize that this sick sibling is not going to change.
Move forward with your own life. Appreciate your authenticity, your empathy, your creative gifts and your individuality. Give yourself time to heal.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life   AVAILABLE AT AMAZON
Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

From Budding Narcissist to Full Blown Pathological Narcissism

There is a young woman whom I have known as an acquaintance for the past ten years. I  met her when she was ten years old. This was in the context of a neighborhood party. Her mother is a fully developed narcissistic personality. Exceedingly self entitled, expecting perfection of others, physically vane to a fault, highly manipulative of her husband, friends, etc. this lady demands having her way and gets it. Her husband is a weak man who gives into her constantly. She is the ruler of the household and has complete control over her very naive spouse.

On one occasion I went over to their home to return some mail that had been sent to the incorrect address. After the preliminary greetings, the daughter who was ten years old at the time, suddenly asked me in a stark cruel tone: "What's wrong with your eye?" I was shocked by this personal question. I wondered for a moment if she could tell that I was wearing contact lenses. Many scenarios passed through my mind as I felt anger, outrage and shock run through my nervous system. My eye was healing from a  minor infection. Silence reigned. The mother didn't say a word, look at her daughter, apologize to me, tell her child not to invade some one's privacy and cause them emotional hurt and pain. I stepped into the breach and said: " There are personal questions you never ask another individual. This is impolite, disrespectful and inconsiderate." My words hung in the air. The girl sat defiantly in her chair, staring me down, daring me to speak further. Mother didn't react at all--not one eyelash quivered. In fact narcissistic mother appeared to be bored and restless and needing to "move on" from the entire incident. It was over for her before it began because it wasn't about her and how perfect she was. Her daughter was becoming a narcissistic Mini Me.  In addition her father was and is a fool about his little girl. She got away with whatever she wanted with him. I left this scene, knowing that there was a process in motion that would result in a full blown narcissistic disorder.

Recently, I spoke with the daughter in the company of her mother and got a more narcissistic vib from her. She is now a college student so full of herself she can hardly stand still. This young woman shows no interest, concern, understanding or care for others unless she is narcissistic supplies --praise, adoration, favors, accolades, intros into social circles, etc. from them. Her friends are Yes Sayers to her, small echoes of her highness. They laugh at those whom they see as inferior---meaning people who are not exactly like them.

This daughter will go through the rest of her life as a narcissistic personality, hurting everyone in her reach. She will make the lives of others pure misery unless they learn about the complex in-depth facets and many faces of the Narcissistic Personality. To learn about the NPD visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com