So many of those who are married to narcissists "stick it out" for decades and suffer horribly in every way: emotionally, psychologically and physically. Living with one of these self absorbed, highly manipulative, raging, cruel individuals every day takes a toll on your health. You are living in a war zone. Your sympathetic nervous system--the flight or fight mode---is in overdrive all of the time. This is not good for you. Many of you live in denial because you don't feel entitled to lead your own life and have decent sleep, emotional respite, respect and inner peace. Some stay for the sake of the children, even after they are grown.
Learn everything you can about the true nature of the NPD who is not going to change. This is a fixed personality disorder. These individuals live for themselves alone. They may give you material things that are part of their image but you cannot have any emotional connection or intimacy with them. They are takers not givers.
Put yourself first. Practice self care. Get the sleep that you deserve and need. Exercise and gain strength and stamina. Talk to the few people whom you trust. Do not share your inner personal life with your narcissistic spouse. This is your business and your life not his/hers. Sense your deep entitlement to lead a good life as an individual. If you find it helpful, practice gentle yoga. This will be calming and you will gain strength from doing this work. Use guided meditation or a form of prayer where you feel comforted inside. Do some form of exercise that works for you.
You will begin to see the narcissist as he truly is and make the decision to take back your life.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Monday, March 31, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Narcissistic Brother Intimidates His Siblings
Having a narcissistic brother in your family is exceedingly painful and frightening. There is no way of controlling him. If he is the Golden Boy,mom and/or dad view him as perfect and make no effort to create psychological boundaries that must not be crossed with his siblings. He has been chosen for a variety of reasons: he is very attractive, bright, confident, even cocky, has athletic skills and is socially adept. The parents who are often narcissistic themselves and have found the perfect son who reflects them and enhances their external image.
He is not taught to respect his brothers and sisters, to be kind, to learn how to be empathic. The narcissistic brother rules the household by intimidating his siblings. He strikes fear in them, goads them, laughs at them, humiliates them. Some narcissistic brothers are monstrous. In public they can win anyone over. They know how to make people like them. It is one of their well honed skills that they use to get whatever they want.
I hear and read many life stories of children who grew up dealing with narcissistic golden boy brothers. Some kids hide and stay away from the house as much as possible. Others literally find a place in the house where they will not be discovered. These children are always frightened, wondering when this monster will appear and terrorize them. Children who grow up in these households are in a state of fight or flight much of the time. They cannot relax. They don't feel safe or secure. In some instances the siblings create alliances to protect one another.
Some children learn to create entire worlds with their imaginations and to tune out the ugliness of their narcissistic family members. These kids learn early that they must go it alone to survive. They call upon all of their resources and strengths to get through each day. Many children leave these homes early to escape the wrath of the narcissistic brother and their enabling parents.
I have great respect for the children who must live with these loathsome siblings. They are courageous and inventive. As adults children from these highly dysfunctional families benefit from high quality psychotherapy to work through the core issues of growing up in a constant unprotected psychological war zone.
Don't wait for your narcissistic brother to get his as they say. They best way is to create your own life and to be proud of yourself as an individual of integrity with many gifts.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
He is not taught to respect his brothers and sisters, to be kind, to learn how to be empathic. The narcissistic brother rules the household by intimidating his siblings. He strikes fear in them, goads them, laughs at them, humiliates them. Some narcissistic brothers are monstrous. In public they can win anyone over. They know how to make people like them. It is one of their well honed skills that they use to get whatever they want.
I hear and read many life stories of children who grew up dealing with narcissistic golden boy brothers. Some kids hide and stay away from the house as much as possible. Others literally find a place in the house where they will not be discovered. These children are always frightened, wondering when this monster will appear and terrorize them. Children who grow up in these households are in a state of fight or flight much of the time. They cannot relax. They don't feel safe or secure. In some instances the siblings create alliances to protect one another.
Some children learn to create entire worlds with their imaginations and to tune out the ugliness of their narcissistic family members. These kids learn early that they must go it alone to survive. They call upon all of their resources and strengths to get through each day. Many children leave these homes early to escape the wrath of the narcissistic brother and their enabling parents.
I have great respect for the children who must live with these loathsome siblings. They are courageous and inventive. As adults children from these highly dysfunctional families benefit from high quality psychotherapy to work through the core issues of growing up in a constant unprotected psychological war zone.
Don't wait for your narcissistic brother to get his as they say. They best way is to create your own life and to be proud of yourself as an individual of integrity with many gifts.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Friday, March 28, 2014
Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves
Narcissistic
men and women cannot sustain authentic relationships in marriages or as
parents. They act out, having multiple affairs, mistresses, girlfriends,
boyfriends, secretly on the side. They have no shame about their
reprehensible, destructive behaviors. If they have power in the world
and are venerated publicly as high level executives, part of the
entertainment and social elite, they get away with it. These days,
living in a narcissistic society, most people shrug about these matters.
If someone is "very important" it doesn't matter what they do in their
personal lives and some believe that they are above reproach because of
their extraordinary success.
The narcissistic man or woman has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. There is no motivation to become different since the narcissist believes that he is perfect and every one else falls short. If the narcissist has a loyal professional and social following, a source of constant narcissistic supply, excuses will always be made for him/her despite the abominable behavior toward spouse and children.
After causing horrific trauma to a wife or husband and children who have been abandoned, he moves on to re-invent himself and re-burnish his image. For the narcissist, there are no genuine relationships. One person is replaceable with another---one wife with another, one child or two children with others. Some narcissists go on to produce children with two three or even four other partners. It doesn't matter as long as he is getting the adulation, praise, adoration that he needs and maintaining the power and money that he holds on to and that defines him/her as a person.
Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so you don't get caught up in a partnership or marriage to one of these individuals. I hear many stories of those who have had children with narcissists and have gone through painful ongoing experiences, worked through divorces that were very stressful and complex. I give those who have weathered these storms great credit for their forbearance.
Remember to take good care of yourself. You are authentic. Seek those who are like you---authentic and compassionate.
The narcissistic man or woman has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. There is no motivation to become different since the narcissist believes that he is perfect and every one else falls short. If the narcissist has a loyal professional and social following, a source of constant narcissistic supply, excuses will always be made for him/her despite the abominable behavior toward spouse and children.
After causing horrific trauma to a wife or husband and children who have been abandoned, he moves on to re-invent himself and re-burnish his image. For the narcissist, there are no genuine relationships. One person is replaceable with another---one wife with another, one child or two children with others. Some narcissists go on to produce children with two three or even four other partners. It doesn't matter as long as he is getting the adulation, praise, adoration that he needs and maintaining the power and money that he holds on to and that defines him/her as a person.
Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so you don't get caught up in a partnership or marriage to one of these individuals. I hear many stories of those who have had children with narcissists and have gone through painful ongoing experiences, worked through divorces that were very stressful and complex. I give those who have weathered these storms great credit for their forbearance.
Remember to take good care of yourself. You are authentic. Seek those who are like you---authentic and compassionate.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Divorcing A Narcissist--A Walk on the Wild Side
Narcissists wearing their masks of brilliance, talent, ultra confidence, attractiveness are irresistible. Most are fooled by them. That is how convincing they are. They have been doing this act with their eyes closed for most of their lives. They know the drill--It is an essential part of them that we mistake for the real person.
Don't blame yourself for not recognizing the narcissist for who she/he truly is. The narcissist's real self is hidden deep in the unconscious. This is the part of them that has been severely damaged and is projected out on to others, especially those close to them.These projections are primitive, meant to cause great pain. Those on the receiving end--spouses, ex-spouses, children, etc experience deep hurt and lingering pain. It is a dreadful experience to be the recipient of a narcissist's incoming pathological fire in the form of primitive vituperative projections.
When you finally decide to divorce a narcissist and have created your plan of action, give yourself a lot of credit for taking this course.It is a complicated one. You have pulled back so many times in the past, telling yourself that if you had tried harder and been more patient, this person could have changed, have understood your thoughts and feelings and that issues would have worked out. No! That is not the clinical case in dealing with narcissistic personality disorders.
During the process of the divorce you find yourself at times flat footed. The narcissist and his attorneys have changed their game plan. This wasn't in the play book. You are ambushed and feel like you can't crawl out of the weeds. The other side is lying and getting away with it. The mediator went in the enemy's camp and was convinced by their lies. Then the battle moves more favorably toward you and you take a deep breath. It's like watching a boxing match and you are getting bloodied and stitched. You are able to get some respite between rounds but know that the battle is long and you summon up your strength and reserves.
In many divorces with narcissists it gets very ugly. They are always lying. obfuscating the truth, deluding those who should be believing you, bribing some of the players with money, etc.
When you divorce a narcissist you discover the darkness of human nature--how desperateness on the part of narcissist leads to accusations, flagrant lies, vituperative rage, pitched battles over financial assets. It is a walk on the wild, dark side of consciousness. Those who go through divorce are often shocked by the tenacious fury of the narcissist to get exactly what he or she wants-----Everything! Your work is to take care of yourself while you are going through this tough process. As I have stated before and it is worth repeating, choose your attorney with great care after doing research, interviewing and checking with your intuition. This is Your advocate that will weather this process with you throughout. You are wise and will make the right decision.
Study the narcissistic personality so that you understand them very well and will not be surprised by their antics and ruses during the divorce and afterwards.
Take time with yourself for ongoing healing--whatever it takes to keep you healthy, sleeping at night, eating well, exercising the way you choose, calming the body/mind with guided meditation, prayer, etc., spending time with those whom you can count on at any time and are truly authentic. Take moments to escape into audio books, movies, music that you love and that carries you to another place in your mind and heart. The universe is abundant--open yourself to it and all of its blessings and gifts.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Don't blame yourself for not recognizing the narcissist for who she/he truly is. The narcissist's real self is hidden deep in the unconscious. This is the part of them that has been severely damaged and is projected out on to others, especially those close to them.These projections are primitive, meant to cause great pain. Those on the receiving end--spouses, ex-spouses, children, etc experience deep hurt and lingering pain. It is a dreadful experience to be the recipient of a narcissist's incoming pathological fire in the form of primitive vituperative projections.
When you finally decide to divorce a narcissist and have created your plan of action, give yourself a lot of credit for taking this course.It is a complicated one. You have pulled back so many times in the past, telling yourself that if you had tried harder and been more patient, this person could have changed, have understood your thoughts and feelings and that issues would have worked out. No! That is not the clinical case in dealing with narcissistic personality disorders.
During the process of the divorce you find yourself at times flat footed. The narcissist and his attorneys have changed their game plan. This wasn't in the play book. You are ambushed and feel like you can't crawl out of the weeds. The other side is lying and getting away with it. The mediator went in the enemy's camp and was convinced by their lies. Then the battle moves more favorably toward you and you take a deep breath. It's like watching a boxing match and you are getting bloodied and stitched. You are able to get some respite between rounds but know that the battle is long and you summon up your strength and reserves.
In many divorces with narcissists it gets very ugly. They are always lying. obfuscating the truth, deluding those who should be believing you, bribing some of the players with money, etc.
When you divorce a narcissist you discover the darkness of human nature--how desperateness on the part of narcissist leads to accusations, flagrant lies, vituperative rage, pitched battles over financial assets. It is a walk on the wild, dark side of consciousness. Those who go through divorce are often shocked by the tenacious fury of the narcissist to get exactly what he or she wants-----Everything! Your work is to take care of yourself while you are going through this tough process. As I have stated before and it is worth repeating, choose your attorney with great care after doing research, interviewing and checking with your intuition. This is Your advocate that will weather this process with you throughout. You are wise and will make the right decision.
Study the narcissistic personality so that you understand them very well and will not be surprised by their antics and ruses during the divorce and afterwards.
Take time with yourself for ongoing healing--whatever it takes to keep you healthy, sleeping at night, eating well, exercising the way you choose, calming the body/mind with guided meditation, prayer, etc., spending time with those whom you can count on at any time and are truly authentic. Take moments to escape into audio books, movies, music that you love and that carries you to another place in your mind and heart. The universe is abundant--open yourself to it and all of its blessings and gifts.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Love and Appreciate Yourselves
If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you had a non-mother. This woman was not capable psychologically or emotionally of being a "good enough" mother as D.W. Winnicott, the great psychoanalyst said so many years ago. This is the mother that we all yearn for. She doesn't have to be perfect but good enough.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers didn't have this experience at all. They were neglected, abused, dismissed, manipulated, demeaned, deceived and any combination of these dreadful experiences. You were a baby, a little child. Now you are an adult and still looking for the mother that wasn't there. First, do not blame yourself. You were an innocent and had to survive. You did the very best you could and according to your NM--You weren't good enough for her because she was a narcissistic personality. Children for these non-moms are narcissistic supplies that make her look wonderful. She has bragging rights about them. She can dress them up and show them off. She has pictures taken of her "beloved" kids that are on display.
Some narcissistic mothers ignore and completely neglect their children. They have screaming fits and say:
"Why the hell did I have you--You are worthless." "You make my life a living hell--I hate you." "You were a big accident--I wish I had aborted you" and countless crushing statements that have been repeated throughout your life. I cannot fully express in words how sorry I am that you have had to go through such horrendous abuse for so many years.
The other aspect of this is that no one believed that you were being raised by a "monster mother" who wore the crown of a fine human being. No one could accuse her of abuse. If you dared to speak the truth you were threatened within an inch of your life.
Now you are an adult still dealing with the psychological wounds of a narcissistic mother. Learn to recognize that you are a separate individual. What she did to you is not who you are.You are a unique individual, a wonderful one with many gifts and talents. You will discover the richness of your creativity and your true value as you sever your emotional and psychological relationship with your narcissistic mother. For some daughters this involves a grieving process about the mother they didn't have. You will learn to stop wishing that she could would have felt differently toward you if you had been her perfect child. That was her pathological projection. You did your very best under the worst circumstances. Give yourself full credit for your courage and for maintaining the fire and light of your true self deep within. You protected the precious, original self that has always been there. Care now for yourself by appreciating your authenticity, your spontaneity, your humor, compassion, and of course, your empathy.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers are among the most empathic and intuitive individuals with whom I have had contact. I celebrate your freedom and your precious, lovely individuality.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Daughters of narcissistic mothers didn't have this experience at all. They were neglected, abused, dismissed, manipulated, demeaned, deceived and any combination of these dreadful experiences. You were a baby, a little child. Now you are an adult and still looking for the mother that wasn't there. First, do not blame yourself. You were an innocent and had to survive. You did the very best you could and according to your NM--You weren't good enough for her because she was a narcissistic personality. Children for these non-moms are narcissistic supplies that make her look wonderful. She has bragging rights about them. She can dress them up and show them off. She has pictures taken of her "beloved" kids that are on display.
Some narcissistic mothers ignore and completely neglect their children. They have screaming fits and say:
"Why the hell did I have you--You are worthless." "You make my life a living hell--I hate you." "You were a big accident--I wish I had aborted you" and countless crushing statements that have been repeated throughout your life. I cannot fully express in words how sorry I am that you have had to go through such horrendous abuse for so many years.
The other aspect of this is that no one believed that you were being raised by a "monster mother" who wore the crown of a fine human being. No one could accuse her of abuse. If you dared to speak the truth you were threatened within an inch of your life.
Now you are an adult still dealing with the psychological wounds of a narcissistic mother. Learn to recognize that you are a separate individual. What she did to you is not who you are.You are a unique individual, a wonderful one with many gifts and talents. You will discover the richness of your creativity and your true value as you sever your emotional and psychological relationship with your narcissistic mother. For some daughters this involves a grieving process about the mother they didn't have. You will learn to stop wishing that she could would have felt differently toward you if you had been her perfect child. That was her pathological projection. You did your very best under the worst circumstances. Give yourself full credit for your courage and for maintaining the fire and light of your true self deep within. You protected the precious, original self that has always been there. Care now for yourself by appreciating your authenticity, your spontaneity, your humor, compassion, and of course, your empathy.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers are among the most empathic and intuitive individuals with whom I have had contact. I celebrate your freedom and your precious, lovely individuality.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Friday, March 21, 2014
Married to A Socialized Sociopath-- Puts You in Psychological Danger
These are among the most successful, bright, ingenious, attractive, magnetic individuals that we encounter. They are confident, socially skilled, astute and exceedingly charming. This is a description of the Socialized Sociopath, a severe personality disturbance that has become acceptable, even valued and lauded in our current society. As pathological narcissism has grown and become an integral part of our society so has socialized sociopathy. Some people are shocked by these statements. I say "Wake Up" and pay attention for your own welfare to this reality. Today socialized sociopaths are deified in some sectors of our society due to the tremendous emphasis on leading a "successful" life and grabbing power and having endless monetary prowess. I am not saying that people should not strive to utilize every gift and energy that they have to operate on a very high level of achievement. However, "achievement" does not mean destroying the lives of others in order to get whatever and whomever we want and to control and manipulate everyone that crosses our path and to decimate and destroy those who do not go along with our plans. This includes spouses and children who will not bend to the will of the socialized sociopath. For him or her, the true individual does not exist. He/she can always be replaced with someone else who is compliant and will provide him with every narcissistic supply on the face of the earth: adulation, praise, adoration, comfort, an enhanced image and reach in the social and business worlds.
Socialized sociopaths lead secret lives even if we are married to them for decades. They are making their dirty business deals, having secret affairs--sometimes several at a time. They have no problem with illegal acts as long as they don't get caught. Besides, so much of our society now is completely superficial and if you have a great external image and the bling and the homes and the cars and the social status and sterling connections, you are above reproach. There are socialized sociopaths who are not monetarily successful and who disrupt and destroy lives as well.
Unless people awaken one by one to the menacing presence and destructive actions of the socialized sociopath today, they will take over even more human territory and leave more individuals in complete ruin. That is their goal, their aim, their raison d'tre. Never give them any break--especially if they are promising you something that they know you must have. Yes, they have no insight but they are cunning at the core and know every vulnerability that you have. They work on your weaknesses and play on your deepest desires. That's how sick they are. Reeling you in and out, back and forth is a game to them. It is torturous for you but play to them. They are sadistic!!!
Recognizing that you are married to a socialized sociopath is the beginning of your awakening. Study this character disorder in-depth. Understand what is triggering you to go back to them each time for more punishment and terror. Make the decision to leave this "relationship" that is harming you. Do not give this person any clue that you will be severing this sick tie. Do all of your homework and be ahead of them every step of the way.
Get the help that you need to disengage psychologically and emotionally from them including excellent psychotherapy if that is your decision, quieting the body/mind through meditation, gentle yoga, building a support group of a few people who are empathic, taking care of yourself on every level--physical, mental, emotional, psychological, spiritual. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will tell your the truth every time about another person's true nature. It will protect you from the socialized sociopath and all other predatory beasts.
Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Socialized sociopaths lead secret lives even if we are married to them for decades. They are making their dirty business deals, having secret affairs--sometimes several at a time. They have no problem with illegal acts as long as they don't get caught. Besides, so much of our society now is completely superficial and if you have a great external image and the bling and the homes and the cars and the social status and sterling connections, you are above reproach. There are socialized sociopaths who are not monetarily successful and who disrupt and destroy lives as well.
Unless people awaken one by one to the menacing presence and destructive actions of the socialized sociopath today, they will take over even more human territory and leave more individuals in complete ruin. That is their goal, their aim, their raison d'tre. Never give them any break--especially if they are promising you something that they know you must have. Yes, they have no insight but they are cunning at the core and know every vulnerability that you have. They work on your weaknesses and play on your deepest desires. That's how sick they are. Reeling you in and out, back and forth is a game to them. It is torturous for you but play to them. They are sadistic!!!
Recognizing that you are married to a socialized sociopath is the beginning of your awakening. Study this character disorder in-depth. Understand what is triggering you to go back to them each time for more punishment and terror. Make the decision to leave this "relationship" that is harming you. Do not give this person any clue that you will be severing this sick tie. Do all of your homework and be ahead of them every step of the way.
Get the help that you need to disengage psychologically and emotionally from them including excellent psychotherapy if that is your decision, quieting the body/mind through meditation, gentle yoga, building a support group of a few people who are empathic, taking care of yourself on every level--physical, mental, emotional, psychological, spiritual. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will tell your the truth every time about another person's true nature. It will protect you from the socialized sociopath and all other predatory beasts.
Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Narcissistic Spouses--Go into Training for the Divorce Wars
I know several people who have trained for and run marathons. This is a tough, disciplined process that takes many hours and hard grinding work. The goal is incredible--over 26 miles of running--one footfall after another. I have seen great runners reach the wall and writhe in agony. I have watched them gather their strength and the benefit of their training and grit and move through this tremendous barrier that is reached around the twentieth mile. I had the thrill of watching part of an Olympic Marathon and saw the leaders near the finish. It was like viewing a grand performance of moving art. At that distance these athletes still looked fresh, wearing their dripping clothes and glistening bodies with grace and beautiful motion. They appeared to float over the surface of the ground. They seemed invincible.
Divorcing a narcissist can be compared with training for a marathon. Having listened to and read innumerable life stories from those who have suffered marriage to and divorce from narcissists, I daresay the marathon training and performance is easier.
Once you know that you are married to a narcissist, you have been given a number of warnings--a series of red flags that most of us ignore. There are so many signs that we override. We are being treated with disrespect, chronic lying, cruel control tactics, psychological ambushes, humiliations, torturous gaslighting, constant manipulations, psychological stalking. You name the nasty tactics and can attach most of them to the narcissistic personality.
The next phase is a big wakeup. You can no longer live with the narcissistic spouse. What are you going to do? What are you options? I will say this again: The Narcissist is Not Going to Change!!!
This is a fixed personality disorder that does not make characterlogical shifts. You can change your actions, thoughts, attitudes toward yourself. That is good news even though you feel like hell. There are those who never get out of this horrendous loop and stay with the narcissistic spouse much to their detriment.
Awake now, you go into training mode. The basics are learning to take very good care of yourself. As I said in my last post---You Come First (Often for the first time in your life). Focus on nourishing yourself with good sleep, eating healthy foods that give you energy and health, exercise that works for you and is consistent, a type of quieting the body/mind, setting limits on your narcissistic spouse and others that break through your private psychological space. Talk to someone if you can who has been through this process before. Each divorce from a narcissist is different but when you speak with someone you trust, you don't feel alone and this person has had a tough time and there is the empathy that helps you stand together. Find an excellent therapist if you think that you can use professional help---You deserve this---You are entitled.
Pick a very tough attorney who is psychologically grounded, an excellent communicator and is skilled at understanding the real person behind the mask. He or she has to know family/divorce law hands down and be very confident of his/her legal acumen and performance in court. This is Your Advocate from beginning to end. This person takes your phone calls and doesn't pawn your questions off on someone else.
Don't share your plans in advance with the spouse whom you are divorcing or who is divorcing you. This is kept very close. Only your attorney and certain friends can know about your strategies. Save money or have money that you know you can use for this purpose ahead of time. When the marriage begins to crumble, think about your divorce plan and take actions that will protect you financially if you can.
Generally, it is unwise to mediate with a narcissistic spouse. In some states this process is required. But with a narcissist---they want it all. That's why you need to be very well prepared for the "Everything is Mine" syndrome.
Work with your inner self. Find a few minutes when it is quiet. Pick a time that works for you and practice quieting your mind and body. This can take a number of forms including guided meditation, yoga poses with emphasis on the breath--activities that help you to get back to yourself. Know that you deserve this time and the inner peace that you can have if you keep a practice going. Don't expect calmness immediately. Congratulate yourself each time that you make the effort.There is no perfection seeking here. If you miss days or weeks or months--get back on it without judgment.
Moving through a divorce from a narcissist is a tremendous achievement so give yourself credit every step of the way!!! (Especially when things go wrong.)
Remember you are a unique valuable individual. Don't lose sight of this---Keep this in the front of your mind and in your heart. Some of the finest human beings I have known have been married to narcissists. Now they are free and seek the pathway of inner peace and the discovery of their true self.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Divorcing a narcissist can be compared with training for a marathon. Having listened to and read innumerable life stories from those who have suffered marriage to and divorce from narcissists, I daresay the marathon training and performance is easier.
Once you know that you are married to a narcissist, you have been given a number of warnings--a series of red flags that most of us ignore. There are so many signs that we override. We are being treated with disrespect, chronic lying, cruel control tactics, psychological ambushes, humiliations, torturous gaslighting, constant manipulations, psychological stalking. You name the nasty tactics and can attach most of them to the narcissistic personality.
The next phase is a big wakeup. You can no longer live with the narcissistic spouse. What are you going to do? What are you options? I will say this again: The Narcissist is Not Going to Change!!!
This is a fixed personality disorder that does not make characterlogical shifts. You can change your actions, thoughts, attitudes toward yourself. That is good news even though you feel like hell. There are those who never get out of this horrendous loop and stay with the narcissistic spouse much to their detriment.
Awake now, you go into training mode. The basics are learning to take very good care of yourself. As I said in my last post---You Come First (Often for the first time in your life). Focus on nourishing yourself with good sleep, eating healthy foods that give you energy and health, exercise that works for you and is consistent, a type of quieting the body/mind, setting limits on your narcissistic spouse and others that break through your private psychological space. Talk to someone if you can who has been through this process before. Each divorce from a narcissist is different but when you speak with someone you trust, you don't feel alone and this person has had a tough time and there is the empathy that helps you stand together. Find an excellent therapist if you think that you can use professional help---You deserve this---You are entitled.
Pick a very tough attorney who is psychologically grounded, an excellent communicator and is skilled at understanding the real person behind the mask. He or she has to know family/divorce law hands down and be very confident of his/her legal acumen and performance in court. This is Your Advocate from beginning to end. This person takes your phone calls and doesn't pawn your questions off on someone else.
Don't share your plans in advance with the spouse whom you are divorcing or who is divorcing you. This is kept very close. Only your attorney and certain friends can know about your strategies. Save money or have money that you know you can use for this purpose ahead of time. When the marriage begins to crumble, think about your divorce plan and take actions that will protect you financially if you can.
Generally, it is unwise to mediate with a narcissistic spouse. In some states this process is required. But with a narcissist---they want it all. That's why you need to be very well prepared for the "Everything is Mine" syndrome.
Work with your inner self. Find a few minutes when it is quiet. Pick a time that works for you and practice quieting your mind and body. This can take a number of forms including guided meditation, yoga poses with emphasis on the breath--activities that help you to get back to yourself. Know that you deserve this time and the inner peace that you can have if you keep a practice going. Don't expect calmness immediately. Congratulate yourself each time that you make the effort.There is no perfection seeking here. If you miss days or weeks or months--get back on it without judgment.
Moving through a divorce from a narcissist is a tremendous achievement so give yourself credit every step of the way!!! (Especially when things go wrong.)
Remember you are a unique valuable individual. Don't lose sight of this---Keep this in the front of your mind and in your heart. Some of the finest human beings I have known have been married to narcissists. Now they are free and seek the pathway of inner peace and the discovery of their true self.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Healing from A Narcissistic Spouse---You Come First
For most of your life, you have come second, third, fourth or even last. Now, in the aftermath of your marriage or partnership with a narcissist, you look around for the first time and realize that you are beginning to take over your own life. It was controlled and manipulated by your narcissistic spouse for so long that it became "normal."---Will not quite. Some of you became physically ill as a result of your marriage to a narcissist. Your nervous system was continually in fight or flight mode--the Sympathetic rather than the relax, digest, calm mode--the Parasympathetic. You look back and remember the ugly scenes--one after the other--the constant screaming, the threats, the psychological wounding of your heart, the wrenching of your soul. You often felt like a person dispossessed and unknown, even to yourself.
You are re-starting your life and this is unfamiliar to you. You may have had a narcissistic mother or father or both parents--God help you and God bless you that you survived.
One of the most difficult aspects of this phase of re-booting your life is learning how to take very good care of yourself. You may have never had this life experience. Certainly this was not the case during your marriage or marriages to narcissists. They made constant demands, took up all of your attention and interrupted even one moment of peace.
Create a program for yourself that involves these elements: (If you think of others, add them)
1. Get the sleep that you need and deserve
2. Take quiet time with yourself that you enjoy--I call this downtime.
3. Find the kind of exercise that works best for you. Make it tolerable and do-able. You will become more energetic, stronger and calmer.
4. Learn to to quiet your thinking mind through guided meditation, tai chi or gentle yoga that calms the nervous system and slows thought chatter. You can do this for a couple of minutes or so. Consistency not length is the key and don't make any judgments about your performance.
5. Listen to music that you love. Become lost in this beautiful world.
6. Listen to books or read ones that put you somewhere else---Escape and discover new parts of your true self.
7. Allow yourself to cry when you feel sorrow welling up. This is part of your healing process and necessary. Tears flow so we can release the pain that has been held so long.
8. Spend time with individuals you trust and who are empathic.
9. Write spontaneously-- thoughts that fly through your mind. Do this without editing.
10. Let your imagination go where it wishes--Take a ride on it and feel the freedom of this process.
11. Use your intuition as a guide to tell you about the next steps you are going to take as you travel the path of your healing.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
You are re-starting your life and this is unfamiliar to you. You may have had a narcissistic mother or father or both parents--God help you and God bless you that you survived.
One of the most difficult aspects of this phase of re-booting your life is learning how to take very good care of yourself. You may have never had this life experience. Certainly this was not the case during your marriage or marriages to narcissists. They made constant demands, took up all of your attention and interrupted even one moment of peace.
Create a program for yourself that involves these elements: (If you think of others, add them)
1. Get the sleep that you need and deserve
2. Take quiet time with yourself that you enjoy--I call this downtime.
3. Find the kind of exercise that works best for you. Make it tolerable and do-able. You will become more energetic, stronger and calmer.
4. Learn to to quiet your thinking mind through guided meditation, tai chi or gentle yoga that calms the nervous system and slows thought chatter. You can do this for a couple of minutes or so. Consistency not length is the key and don't make any judgments about your performance.
5. Listen to music that you love. Become lost in this beautiful world.
6. Listen to books or read ones that put you somewhere else---Escape and discover new parts of your true self.
7. Allow yourself to cry when you feel sorrow welling up. This is part of your healing process and necessary. Tears flow so we can release the pain that has been held so long.
8. Spend time with individuals you trust and who are empathic.
9. Write spontaneously-- thoughts that fly through your mind. Do this without editing.
10. Let your imagination go where it wishes--Take a ride on it and feel the freedom of this process.
11. Use your intuition as a guide to tell you about the next steps you are going to take as you travel the path of your healing.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Friday, March 14, 2014
Let Go of the Hurt that the Narcissist Has Caused You
Narcissists are very cruel beings. I am discovering endless varieties of their horrid treacheries all the time. It is incredible that they continue to wreck havoc in the lives that they touch and in some cases, destroy. Their projections are meant to be mortal, kicking the air out of your spirit, making you doubt yourself or psychologically throwing you into deep humiliation.
Narcissists are masters of total control over others at all times. Whether they are in the preliminary stages and intoxicating you with their magnetism or intimidating you with their veiled threats or disposing of you when you are at your lowest ebb, the narcissistic personality is a highly predictable human. You are his/her possession. He will manipulate and mold you into the perfect replica of a living narcissistic supply who will be a perpetual source of adulation, praise, even worship.
Narcissists hurt us deeply when we are unable to identify them and psychologically fuse with them. Some of those who become involved with narcissists continue to return for more punishment, thinking that they can change these individuals or believing that they are the ones to blame for the relationship not working. Over and over again their victims blame themselves and return--each time becoming more distressed and feeling lost, confused and depleted.
Once you know that you are dealing with a narcissist---spouse, mother, father, sibling, etc., do your research and learn everything you can about this personality disorder that is growing exponentially within our population.
Be kind to yourself about your self blame, your returning for more pain, your thinking that there is something the matter with you. Let go of any guilt that you are carrying. You will find your burden lifting.
Begin to take good care of yourself: physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. Sleep, rest, enjoy your own company and that of friends who are empathic and understanding and who know how to listen and to give and receive.
Think about your many gifts--those that you know about and others that have remained in the background while the narcissist took center stage and stood in your light.
Feel your individual power---your healthy narcissism---a deep respect for yourself. Be grateful for the life that you have and the one that is ahead of you. Cry when you need to--without shame or holding back. Sing when you feel the tunes coming through you--write freely without editing---go inside the music that you love and sing tunes that you create on the spot. Do this and so much more--Use your imagination--let it fly!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissists are masters of total control over others at all times. Whether they are in the preliminary stages and intoxicating you with their magnetism or intimidating you with their veiled threats or disposing of you when you are at your lowest ebb, the narcissistic personality is a highly predictable human. You are his/her possession. He will manipulate and mold you into the perfect replica of a living narcissistic supply who will be a perpetual source of adulation, praise, even worship.
Narcissists hurt us deeply when we are unable to identify them and psychologically fuse with them. Some of those who become involved with narcissists continue to return for more punishment, thinking that they can change these individuals or believing that they are the ones to blame for the relationship not working. Over and over again their victims blame themselves and return--each time becoming more distressed and feeling lost, confused and depleted.
Once you know that you are dealing with a narcissist---spouse, mother, father, sibling, etc., do your research and learn everything you can about this personality disorder that is growing exponentially within our population.
Be kind to yourself about your self blame, your returning for more pain, your thinking that there is something the matter with you. Let go of any guilt that you are carrying. You will find your burden lifting.
Begin to take good care of yourself: physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. Sleep, rest, enjoy your own company and that of friends who are empathic and understanding and who know how to listen and to give and receive.
Think about your many gifts--those that you know about and others that have remained in the background while the narcissist took center stage and stood in your light.
Feel your individual power---your healthy narcissism---a deep respect for yourself. Be grateful for the life that you have and the one that is ahead of you. Cry when you need to--without shame or holding back. Sing when you feel the tunes coming through you--write freely without editing---go inside the music that you love and sing tunes that you create on the spot. Do this and so much more--Use your imagination--let it fly!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Primitive Projections of Narcissists Inflict Pain and Harm
I am frequently reminded that narcissists are projecting their psychological venom on to others all the time. This kind of behavior cannot be overstated. Deep down in the unconscious, the narcissist is filled with self loathing and an intolerable emptiness.
Churning with self hatred, he or she ejects it out on to others, especially those close to him--spouses, children, siblings, co-workers, acquaintances. A projection is a defense mechanism, an unconscious process that the narcissist uses to instantaneously get rid of aggressive, intolerable and threatening feelings and impulses on to another person.
This incoming fire can be completely unexpected and that is a vital part of why the power punch can lay you flat. There are times when you know that the narcissist is in a particular mood and know to steer clear. Or you have intuitive messages to keep your distance. But are other times, when there is no warning and these are the toughest to take.
Not long ago I was the recipient of a psychological punch (a primitive projection) to the gut from an acquaintance. The sky was blue and clear in my world with this person at the time. We were conversing and I felt that it was going well. Someone else was wanting his attention. I made mental notes of this a couple of times but waved it off. That was my oversight. Suddenly---incoming fire hell missiles. He delivered verbal mortal blows designed to knock me out and put me away. I was shocked and at first had to review his primitive message which translated was: "I hate you. Get the hell out of my life now! " His seething rage and annihilating intent shot into me so fast that I spun inside. I made a quick appraisal and decided that making any kind of retort was useless. For my welfare I left the scene. I think this was a good self care move as I look back. This guy would never understand my point of view. He had a perspective ally beside him. The best action was immediately gaining Distance Away from the Toxicity. I was still reeling. I got into my car and felt like hell but began to think about what had just happened and what it meant.
This event and there have been many by others, gives me the opportunity to acknowledge again the horror that you go through with narcissistic spouses, what you have experienced and still do with narcissistic mothers, fathers and siblings.
Learn all that you can about the true nature of the narcissistic personality--the character disorder of our time.
Take good care of yourself. When you are ensnared by one of these horrid projections, give yourself credit for identifying what it is--it is not coming from you--do not blame yourself--this is the putrid message coming from the unconscious of a narcissistic personality. Celebrate your victories. Keep your psychological, emotional and physical distance from these individuals when and if you possibly can. Maintain good boundaries from this venom machine.
Spend time with people who are more self aware, are not as subject to projections and who admit when they have done this and take them back. Recognize that you are growing, a wonderful living work in progress. Pay close attention to your intuition. Seek your dreams and know that you can fulfill them.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Churning with self hatred, he or she ejects it out on to others, especially those close to him--spouses, children, siblings, co-workers, acquaintances. A projection is a defense mechanism, an unconscious process that the narcissist uses to instantaneously get rid of aggressive, intolerable and threatening feelings and impulses on to another person.
This incoming fire can be completely unexpected and that is a vital part of why the power punch can lay you flat. There are times when you know that the narcissist is in a particular mood and know to steer clear. Or you have intuitive messages to keep your distance. But are other times, when there is no warning and these are the toughest to take.
Not long ago I was the recipient of a psychological punch (a primitive projection) to the gut from an acquaintance. The sky was blue and clear in my world with this person at the time. We were conversing and I felt that it was going well. Someone else was wanting his attention. I made mental notes of this a couple of times but waved it off. That was my oversight. Suddenly---incoming fire hell missiles. He delivered verbal mortal blows designed to knock me out and put me away. I was shocked and at first had to review his primitive message which translated was: "I hate you. Get the hell out of my life now! " His seething rage and annihilating intent shot into me so fast that I spun inside. I made a quick appraisal and decided that making any kind of retort was useless. For my welfare I left the scene. I think this was a good self care move as I look back. This guy would never understand my point of view. He had a perspective ally beside him. The best action was immediately gaining Distance Away from the Toxicity. I was still reeling. I got into my car and felt like hell but began to think about what had just happened and what it meant.
This event and there have been many by others, gives me the opportunity to acknowledge again the horror that you go through with narcissistic spouses, what you have experienced and still do with narcissistic mothers, fathers and siblings.
Learn all that you can about the true nature of the narcissistic personality--the character disorder of our time.
Take good care of yourself. When you are ensnared by one of these horrid projections, give yourself credit for identifying what it is--it is not coming from you--do not blame yourself--this is the putrid message coming from the unconscious of a narcissistic personality. Celebrate your victories. Keep your psychological, emotional and physical distance from these individuals when and if you possibly can. Maintain good boundaries from this venom machine.
Spend time with people who are more self aware, are not as subject to projections and who admit when they have done this and take them back. Recognize that you are growing, a wonderful living work in progress. Pay close attention to your intuition. Seek your dreams and know that you can fulfill them.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Stand For Yourself to Heal from Narcissist in Your Life
Whether it is your narcissistic mother, narcissistic father, narcissistic spouse, narcissistic sister or narcissistic brother or an entire narcissistic family, you have been through Hell with this dreadful life experience. As a young child you endured too much and too little at the same time. There was no emotional and psychological nurturing, no one to wipe your tears so you learned not to cry or laugh or even feel. You internalized what was real and alive inside of you so that you would not be punished and shamed and humiliated even more.
You are still licking your wounds and finding other crevices of open sore memory traces of emotional and psychological pain.
There are times now after your hard fought inner work on your psyche and soul when you perceive and appreciate what you survived. Be kind to that small child inside of you. Give him or her comfort and reassurance and validation. What an individual you are! Healing ourselves is a life process.
Practice self care--You deserve to sleep quietly at night, rest when you are weary, write without editing, freely using your unconscious without effort but ease, digest your dreams from the unconscious, meditate or pray, use your creative juices and let them flow with interruption, feel the cool air coming through your nostrils on the inhalation and the warmed air from you body at the exhalation--notice that you feel calmer.
You deserve to lead life in the full color spectrum of your psyche and soul. With Love to You.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
You are still licking your wounds and finding other crevices of open sore memory traces of emotional and psychological pain.
There are times now after your hard fought inner work on your psyche and soul when you perceive and appreciate what you survived. Be kind to that small child inside of you. Give him or her comfort and reassurance and validation. What an individual you are! Healing ourselves is a life process.
Practice self care--You deserve to sleep quietly at night, rest when you are weary, write without editing, freely using your unconscious without effort but ease, digest your dreams from the unconscious, meditate or pray, use your creative juices and let them flow with interruption, feel the cool air coming through your nostrils on the inhalation and the warmed air from you body at the exhalation--notice that you feel calmer.
You deserve to lead life in the full color spectrum of your psyche and soul. With Love to You.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Covert Narcissists Induce Shame in Their Spouses
The covert narcissist is the trickiest and most subtle individual to identify as a personality disorder. He or she appears to be impeccable in facade, character, integrity, professional status, values, morals--the list is a long one. You have met many covert narcissists without knowing this. Don't blame yourself or expect that you would recognize these individuals. It takes a lot of research and deep observation to identify one of these hidden in plain sight toxic people. Many of them wear the robes of holiness and goodness. They are beyond reproach. Often they hold unquestioned authority as members in high standing of spiritual movements or religious organizations. This makes it very difficult to question the true content of their characters. Those who are very powerful and influential covert narcissists in the world are also viewed as "heroes" in many people's eyes. Don't be fooled by the titles, degrees, professional training, adulation, prizes, medals, public praise that others receive. For the covert narcissist this is a perfect setting for him or her to get the ego supplies that are so desperately needed to fulfill an extreme sense of self entitlement.
Being married to a covert narcissist the spouse is continually subjected to injected feelings of shame. They might even use the old phrase: "You should be ashamed of yourself." You say to yourself--"For what?" But beneath the surface you feel on a visceral level that you are wrong and that there is something intrinsically the matter with you. This is a horrible trap. You have no reason to feel shame and to be emotionally burdened by a dreadful lie. The narcissist is bullying you with this powerful cruel projection to control you and make your life a living hell. Those who have a conscience feel shame from time to time. The narcissist does not have a conscience and is shameless. How absurd when you look at this rationally and understand that you have been terribly wronged and treated with complete disrespect.
There is a time of reckoning when being married to a covert narcissist is no longer an option. The loud siren is going off. "Leave, let go and lead your own life!"
Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so that you understand their true nature, including that one who is hiding behind "goodness and "perfection"--the covert lying in the weeds ready to ambush you. Learn to appreciate your true nature, to become more entitled to true respect, to recognize your many creative gifts, to become more acquainted and comfortable with your true self--the authenticity of you as an individual.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Being married to a covert narcissist the spouse is continually subjected to injected feelings of shame. They might even use the old phrase: "You should be ashamed of yourself." You say to yourself--"For what?" But beneath the surface you feel on a visceral level that you are wrong and that there is something intrinsically the matter with you. This is a horrible trap. You have no reason to feel shame and to be emotionally burdened by a dreadful lie. The narcissist is bullying you with this powerful cruel projection to control you and make your life a living hell. Those who have a conscience feel shame from time to time. The narcissist does not have a conscience and is shameless. How absurd when you look at this rationally and understand that you have been terribly wronged and treated with complete disrespect.
There is a time of reckoning when being married to a covert narcissist is no longer an option. The loud siren is going off. "Leave, let go and lead your own life!"
Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so that you understand their true nature, including that one who is hiding behind "goodness and "perfection"--the covert lying in the weeds ready to ambush you. Learn to appreciate your true nature, to become more entitled to true respect, to recognize your many creative gifts, to become more acquainted and comfortable with your true self--the authenticity of you as an individual.
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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