Narcissists---Their Bottomless Well of Emptiness

"In narcissistic personalities the experience of emptiness is most intense and almost constant..." (Otto Kernberg, Md. clinical expert on the narcissistic personality).  "The narcissist's experience of emotional emptiness is beyond sadness.  It is a severe and intractable wounding, a pain...savage and deep. The psychological (inner) landscape of the narcissist is bleak." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). This is the narcissist's unconscious experience of himself. He or she is unaware of this condition.  As a result the narcissist is a very restless human being, always surveying his external environment for narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, self indulgence, the company of highly attractive men and women, sexual escapes, the pursuit of material possessions, seeking raw power to control others, manipulation of those whom they experience as competitors.

"The successful narcissist creates an intricate system of positive feedback in the form of friends, associates, partners, spouses---who perpetually fulfill his endless needs." (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The narcissist is incapable of having a real relationship with another person. He doesn't have a relationship with himself. Everything in his life is externalized and the most prized possession of all is the elaborate golden image that he creates and perpetuates all of his life.

Beneath the surface, in the unconscious, molten rage is bubbling. This fury is projected on to to others, especially spouses, children, family members, business associates, etc. The narcissist cannot perceive that this rage is completely inappropriate and harmful to others. He simply spits it out or vomits it forth in a projectile that is highly disturbing and hurtful to its recipients. This is the narcissist's extreme self loathing in action. The narcissist cannot own any of these unconscious feelings and therefore they are ejected out on to his victims.

When you learn about the dynamics of the narcissistic personality, you have gained knowledge and power. Now you understand what makes them tick, why they react with such venom and why they are constantly searching for narcissistic supplies to fill up the bottomless pit of their psychological emptiness. Learn to detach from the narcissist. Keep your physical distance (if possible since they are very unpleasant to say the least) and maintain your psychological distance. You command respect and the recognition that you are a separate human being. who insists on being treated with dignity and courtesy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Steer Clear of Narcissistic Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Narcissistic sabotage is operating at all times. It becomes particularly ugly during the Holidays--that time of special "family reunions." There are countless horror stories of non-narcissistic family members being subjected to the toxic projections of a narcissistic parent, sibling, in-law, cousin, child, ex-spouse,  etc. At a time of celebration and gratefulness one would think that narcissists would be able to let festivities go smoothly. Absolutely not. Remember, narcissists are operating twenty four hours a day. No time off for vacations. Be ready for oncoming fire before it begins. First, you know a lot about these impossible individuals---they are self absorbed, deceitful, manipulative, controlling, completely lack empathy, exploitive, sadistic.

Never be surprised at how outrageous they can become and GET AWAY WITH IT! So many family members give them a complete pass. Some of the reason for this is intimidation. Often it can be favoritism, especially if we are speaking of golden children. They are allowed to run roughshod over everyone  They make the cruelest remarks. Other family members either pretend that they don't smell these poison pellets or say to themselves: "There goes dad (mom, sister, brother) again." That seems to wipe out the egregious behavior for everyone, except you. You know exactly what is going on. It is despicable.

Here are some guidelines that will help you get through the narrow passageways of holidays with narcissistic relatives:
First: Renew your mental notes about the true nature of the narcissistic personality disorder and never forget that these people NEVER CHANGE.
Second: Don't expect that other family members will come to your assistance if they make an offensive remark to you. Use your own self assertion by calling them out civilly and not overreacting.
Third: Keep your physical distance from them and don't go one on one in conversation---that's the time when a nasty attack is bound to occur.  
Fourth: If the malevolent cruelties are increasing and you are the target of constant onslaughts, remember that you can leave the party. Some people will say: "Don't create a scene." That's what the narcissist is counting on---for you to stand there quietly, taking in the noxious fumes of their highly disturbed psyches. You have free will. Use it.

You deserve to have a wonderful holiday season and days of peace, creativity and freedom of thought and feeling every day. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com