Covert Narcissists Convince Us They are Good People

Covert narcissists are always flying under the radar. It can be very difficult to identify them before they have psychologically ambushed you. Polite, humble, soft spoken, respectful in manner, the covert narcissists conceals his true nature with great skill. He/she comes on the scene unobtrusively. They are at your service, appear to be good listeners and are clever actors of pseudo empathy. In the first moves the covert narcissist appears to be very sincere. He/she has your best interests at heart. This is the bait and the trap. You come to trust and count on this seemingly considerate person who is so interested in your life and goals. The covert narcissist thinks long term, way down the road. He does favors for you and you take him into your confidence. All the while the covert narcissist is sizing you up. The closer he/she comes in, the greater his opportunity for exploiting you. Like all narcissists, these individuals don't bother with people they can't manipulate and deceive. Those who romantically fall for the covert narcissist are bound to be disappointed and hurt. These individuals have taken your measure and know that by romancing you and becoming an indispensable part of your life that they will own your feelings and possess you psychologically. It is not surprising that the covert narcissist chooses a partner or spouse based on social status, professional accomplishments and social and business connections. Whether it is direct or covert, the narcissist is a user who only becomes involved with those whom he can use and increase his power and economic reach. Most individuals are stilled fooled by the covert narcissists because of his low key style, well polished pseudo empathy and his quiet charm and "loyalty." Protect yourself. Narcissists are not good people--they are users and abusers who are eclipsing your life.

Take time to understand all of the incarnations of the narcissistic personality disorder You will learn how to identify, detach, assert yourself despite every tactic the covert narcissist uses.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Narcissist Will Never Understand You

You and the narcissist live in two different worlds. The narcissist lives in a world of delusion that he has created that speaks of his omnipotence, control and perfection. You live in a world that is more real. You have deep feelings, concern about the welfare of others and are capable of compassion. The narcissists can pretend to care by a mechanism I call pseudo empathy. High level narcissists in particular at talented at acting these roles. When the lights are on, the camera is in motion and the audience is rapt with attention, they put on their act of empathy.This is highly convincing to most people. As soon as the lights are off and the cameras stops, the narcissist take a 180 degree turn and reverts back to his cold, unempathic self.  The consequences of narcissistic cruelty can psychologically grind down their spouses and children at a point where they feel like they are falling apart.

Narcissists don't want to hear about your feelings or your pain. It revolts them. They strike back with "You are weak." "What's the matter with you." "Look at me---I get what I want; I'm successful; I'm adored." "I'm sick of listening to your complaints." Narcissists only want to hear what you are going to do for them. Everything else is inconsequential. You and the narcissists live in two different worlds, even if you are a spouse, child or sibling. These are the most painful situation---having a close family member who is incapable of genuine caring on any level. To detach yourself from the narcissist and appreciate yourself as a unique, valuable human being, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Disentangling Yourself from Narcissistic Husband

Many women marry narcissistic men without knowing it. It is very easy to be taken in by these super charmers. If you now recognize that you are married to this man, you experience his Jekyll/Hyde traits----magnetic and charismatic, wearing his public persona. Everyone in his adoring audience is applauding--This is Dr. Jekyll.  Behind closed doors another hidden personality comes out of the shadows---Yes, Mr. Hyde is here. Mr. Hyde strikes fear in his spouse. He is filled with endless rage that spews out in frightening ways. He is always right; you are always wrong. Mr. Hyde criticizes you, expecting you to be perfect. When you let down and think that your life is becoming calmer, your spouse verbally demeans you, calls you worthless and stupid, causing severe emotional distress. You ask yourself: Should I stay in this marriage. Maybe, I'm at fault. If I tried harder, was more patient, gave him more of a chance, we could work it out.

This kind of thinking will prolong the narcissistic spouse's verbal abuse and your constant anxiety, depression and feelings of being trapped. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. Narcissists do not change; this is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists are not only pleased with themselves; they are ecstatic about their perfect selves, their mastery and control of others and the adulation of their adoring circle. Work consistently at becoming stronger psychologically and using your creative gifts. Take time practicing quieting your mind with gentle yoga and meditation in the way that these healing modalities work for you. As you develop a sense of separateness and a greater appreciation of yourself as a unique individual, you will begin to disentangle yourself from your narcissistic spouse. You will become more detached and capable of seeing the narcissist clearly, recognizing that you are entitled to lead the life you deserve. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Carry No Human Burdens including Shame or Guilt

Narcissists travel through life lightly and deftly. Whether at center stage performing their convincing act and wowing their crowd, narcissists are not burdened or distracted by shame or guilt. As long as they are getting their egos constantly stroked and bolstered and vanquishing their competitors, they are manic with their perfection, mastery and superiority. For those of us who actually have a conscience and feel shame when we have done something to hurt another human being, life each day is more complex and at times painful. Having to consider the feelings of others is a responsibility that many individuals take very seriously. It is part of their imprint as a person of integrity. When we are empathic with someone who is suffering this requires our time and energy. We have to stop what we are doing to help someone with whom we have a close bond or someone we don't know as well who needs our assistance desperately. Those who have a conscience and are empathic naturally place this person's dilemma or crisis as a priority over their own immediate goals.

Most individuals feel shame when they have done something that is wrong. Shame is a very uncomfortable feeling, a body-mind experience that can be very painful and humiliating. Some children are unmercifully shamed when they are young. This has a negative impact on their feelings of self worth if it is particularly egregious and repetitive. Growing into adulthood we experience situations in which we are ashamed of ourselves for being foolish, impulsive, cruel, dismissive and insensitive of others as well as for some of the impulsive acts we have indulged in. We feel the shame, understand what we have done, forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness when required and move on with our lives.

The narcissists experiences neither guilt nor shame. He is impervious to the truth since he lives in complete delusion. If you have ever wondered how narcissists get so much accomplished, remember that they know how to get others to perform the work that they are too superior to do, that they don't pay attention to or raise their children (unless they are molding a golden child who will become the family god) their spouses are disposable objects used for decoration and display that will burnish their personal and professional "brand".  These people are so ruthless that they attempt to psychologically disrupt the lives of their own children if they don't go along with the narcissist's program for every phase of living.

Holding some shame and/or guilt is part of being an authentic human being. As we move closer into understanding the deeper and often darker reaches of ourselves, we learn to let the shame we were holding from long ago to fade out  as we heal. We discern when it is necessary and even instructive to feel guilty over our transgressions. We work them through, resolved not to repeat these negative regressive patterns of thought and deed again. Unlike the narcissist who is always psychologically regressed like a spoiled, cruel petulant child, we must forge ahead to continue to grow for the rest of our lives, balancing the light and dark of our personalities, nourishing our creative gifts and expanding and deepening our compassion for others. To learn in-depth about the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You Are Not Your Narcissistic Spouse's Servant

Besides jeopardizing their psychological and physical health, those who live with narcissists, particularly spouses, rob themselves of vital opportunities to develop their unique creative gifts. The se aside their talents, dries and dreams to spend huge amount of time and energy at the disposal of a corporate wife or husband or an obsessive entrepreneur." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

You may wake up today and realize that you have been in the role of servant to your narcissistic spouse for many years. If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, mother in particular, the stage is set in many ways. You were to go-for person, the fixer, the one who took care of the other children. You were the little mother, the protector. You didn't have a childhood. Don't repeat this painful pattern. Make a clear decision to either stay with this narcissist who is not going to change or to sever the relationships. Take very good care of yourself. Make sure you have the support of a few friends with whom you can communicate at any time. Practice healing modalities like walking or sitting meditation and gentle yoga. Pay attention and follow your intuition. It is your best friend for life. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist In your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Is the Narcissist Exploiting You Again...

"The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone...All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive....Whether personal or  professional, agreements, contracts, or covenants with narcissists are made to be broken." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

Narcissists don't waste their time with you unless you will bring them success, status and/or money. If you are not, they cannot be bothered with you and cross you off of their list. The narcissist is always scanning his environment, looking for those who will produce for him. By seduction or guile he will win over and claim as his own those who will feed his boundless ego. Every relationship for the narcissist is a stepping-stone to success. Narcissists are always looking toward the future to plot, plan and achieve their next goal.

Narcissists think of others as inanimate objects, like pieces on a chessboard that they can masterfully manipulate.

To protect yourself from narcissists and be free of their intrusions on your life, learn to identify them quickly. Pay close attention to your intuition--that wisest of voices that always tells you who someone really is. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Build a strong grounded center within yourself. Treat yourself with respect and build a strong sense of self entitlement. Practice healing modalities that work for you: gentle hat yoga, q gong, meditation. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Painful Relationships with Narcissistic Siblings

If you are a member of a narcissistic family it is worse than being a fish out of water. In some of these family constellations,mother and father are narcissists and several of their children are budding narcissists. Growing up in these families, the non-narcissistic child is both ignored and abused. In narcissistic families there are a lot of ugly psychological rivalries and covert behaviors.

I have communicated with scapegoated children and heard stories of their intolerable painful childhoods. They are always in a state of survival----under emotional siege. These children are trapped in a psychological fight or flight syndrome. The sympathetic nervous system is working overtime. This depletes the child's energy level, feelings of worth and increases anxiety and depression, causing harm to the psyche. When you have narcissistic siblings constantly goading you, threatening and intimidating you, there is no place to go. Some children hid in their rooms, go to libraries, friend's houses to get some small respite from these cruel chaotic situations. On the outside the family looks ideal---Inside it is a nightmare, especially for the non-narcissistic child.

These dysfunctional relationships can continue through adulthood if the non-narcissistic sibling does not sever them. There comes a time when this person says Enough! I don't deserve this. I am entitled to lead my life with emotional freedom and inner peace. Those who follow this new pathway find that it is rough at times but I hear reports that finding this freedom and growing and strengthening the real, creative self is well worth the effort. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com