The narcissistic mother abuses her children by her presence alone. She is cold, disingenuous, hyper critical, emotionally unavailable, completely self absorbed and unempathic. Babies immediately know who their mother really is. Babies of narcissistic mothers internally know that their mother is incapable of loving them of caressing them of holding and bonding with them. They feel this deep inside although they are too young to speak or even think rationally because they are too young. As the child of the narcissistic mother grows, this woman has a stronger grip on her child. She has high expectations especially if you are the chosen golden child. She doesn't care how you are feelings and thinking. She has plans for you. You must become a doctor, an attorney, a CEO--You must rise to the heights or you are a failure. She fuses with you psychologically. You cannot get away from her. Even when she is not present in the room you feel her tugging at you, criticizing you--forcing you to go in the direction she has chosen for you. Growing up with a narcissistic mother it is difficult to maintain your own thoughts and feelings. That's how much she has taken over. She decides who your friends should be. She meddles in your life on every level.
The child who is discarded by the narcissistic mother is ignored and often scoffed at or even laughed at. He or she is compared with the golden child and always comes up wanting. "Why can't you be bright like your brother." "You are stupid and lazy. I have always known that about you." You will always be a failure. You should be ashamed of yourself." These psychological blows are unrelenting. These children are always suffering under the heel of the cruelty of the narcissistic mother.
The golden child is psychologically fused with the narcissistic mother and is revered and even considered as some kind of deity.
As you grow up you try to undo the shackles of the narcissistic mother. This is a very difficult thing to do. You are already enmeshed with her. You have a love/hate relationship with her. It's not real love; it is an obligation and a kind of imprisonment.
These forms of psychological haunting can go on for generations until someone breaks the pattern. Will you be the one who will or has done this. There are daughters and sons of narcissistic others who have freed themselves from their bonds. They are leading their own lives on their terms. They have permanently disengaged from the cruel matriarch of their recurrent nightmares. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy, healing modalities like gentle yoga, walking or sitting meditation, health enhancing exercise and good diet, etc.Take heart. You can change this horrific pattern. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Covert Narcissists--The Smile that Bloodies You
It can take a very long time before you recognize that a family member or a spouse is a covert narcissist. Don't blame yourself--these are the toughest narcissists to deal with. They appear as such good people, just simple folks who believe that you are wonderful--that's what they tell you when they are not pecking on your head. They go back and forth with their compliments and assaults. They have their act of pseudo empathy down to a fine art. They ask how you are doing and its sounds like they mean it. Then come the barbs. If you share any emotional pain with them, watch out. How could your experience be any worse than someone else's. They pretend to take the higher ground by letting you know that nothing and no one can get them down. That makes them feel superior to you and you can feel the twinge of humiliation and not being good or strong enough. Remember---they always have an agenda--to make you feel small, inadequate, incompetent, a failure at life. If they are heavily into looking perfect, they make sure that they show up look fabulous when they know that you are in your old clothes, hair uncombed, sans makeup and wrinkles unconcealed. They love to pop in on you in this way--Just checking-- knowing that you are the slob who is getting old and no one wants. They flash you a smile--it's actually a smirk--They are completely self satisfied. They have triumphed over you. They have been waiting all of their lives to defeat you. This is especially the case with narcissistic brothers and sisters and narcissistic mothers.
They tell you about their careers in a humble way and make sure they give you a final cruel blow--usually one sentence that tells you that they are moving and shattering the glass ceilings of the world. If you talk about problems, don't expect any kindness. They are either mute or they will dress you down by telling you not to dwell on it, to minimize your tragedies. After all they have slain all of their dragons. What's the matter with you?
Meanwhile, CNs spend their lives ruthlessly destroying the lives of others. They are merciless in making their professional climbs. They mow down anyone who is in their way. They don't raise their children or care about them in the least. Their kids are the external evidence of a great persona. They are part of the stage setting.
You don't deserve to be treated in this demeaning manner. It doesn't matter if this person is a family member or not. You are entitled to have peace, to continue to grow psychologically and to have people around you whom you trust and who care about you deeply. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: llmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
They tell you about their careers in a humble way and make sure they give you a final cruel blow--usually one sentence that tells you that they are moving and shattering the glass ceilings of the world. If you talk about problems, don't expect any kindness. They are either mute or they will dress you down by telling you not to dwell on it, to minimize your tragedies. After all they have slain all of their dragons. What's the matter with you?
Meanwhile, CNs spend their lives ruthlessly destroying the lives of others. They are merciless in making their professional climbs. They mow down anyone who is in their way. They don't raise their children or care about them in the least. Their kids are the external evidence of a great persona. They are part of the stage setting.
You don't deserve to be treated in this demeaning manner. It doesn't matter if this person is a family member or not. You are entitled to have peace, to continue to grow psychologically and to have people around you whom you trust and who care about you deeply. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: llmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Friday, July 6, 2012
Seductive Narcissistic Mothers
There are narcissistic mothers who adore their sons---too much. Their son becomes a psychological possession of the mother. Father is left out of the triangle. Often the marriage was poor to begin with. Mother had always ruled over her husband. She emasculated him from the moment they were married. Many men put up with this kind of treatment because they feel weak and inadequate with such an overwhelming wife and partner.
The seductive narcissistic mother believes that her son is the second coming. There is nothing she won't do for him. Her caresses are too long. Her inquiries about his private life are highly invasive. She sits too close to her son. He feels uncomfortable but very special. The other children that come along might as well be orphans. Mother pays no attention to them. If there are nannies they do the mothering. Mother grooms her son to become a narcissist. He is golden from the beginning. No one corrects his obnoxious behavior. He can have whatever he wants. Being cruel to his brothers and sister is completely ignored. Mother psychologically fuses with her "boy" and has no private life of her own. These mothers are overly interested in their son's sexual development during adolescence. They would never admit that they are turned on and want him as a sexual partner. Although nothing happens between the two of them, the mother's sexual vibe is always there directed at him. The budding narcissistic son both loves and hates his mother. He hates her because she possesses him and loves her because that is all he knows.
These mothers do great damage to their sons. When they marry they can never find a woman to replace "mother." Many of them go through several marriages--no one woman will do. Many narcissistic sons are great womanizers--proving to themselves that they are manly conquerors of women. Deep down they feel impotent and empty. No matter what they do in life, deep inside they cannot be themselves. Mother is the possessor of their psyche. To learn about the psychopathology of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.
The seductive narcissistic mother believes that her son is the second coming. There is nothing she won't do for him. Her caresses are too long. Her inquiries about his private life are highly invasive. She sits too close to her son. He feels uncomfortable but very special. The other children that come along might as well be orphans. Mother pays no attention to them. If there are nannies they do the mothering. Mother grooms her son to become a narcissist. He is golden from the beginning. No one corrects his obnoxious behavior. He can have whatever he wants. Being cruel to his brothers and sister is completely ignored. Mother psychologically fuses with her "boy" and has no private life of her own. These mothers are overly interested in their son's sexual development during adolescence. They would never admit that they are turned on and want him as a sexual partner. Although nothing happens between the two of them, the mother's sexual vibe is always there directed at him. The budding narcissistic son both loves and hates his mother. He hates her because she possesses him and loves her because that is all he knows.
These mothers do great damage to their sons. When they marry they can never find a woman to replace "mother." Many of them go through several marriages--no one woman will do. Many narcissistic sons are great womanizers--proving to themselves that they are manly conquerors of women. Deep down they feel impotent and empty. No matter what they do in life, deep inside they cannot be themselves. Mother is the possessor of their psyche. To learn about the psychopathology of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Narcissistic Style Permeates Current Society
Narcissists surround us every day---in our homes, at work, at social events, in the media that rewards and echos them. There are exceptions---individuals who are rare, empathic, compassionate, unmaterialistic, unselfish. They don't make judgements about how you look--how fat, trim or round you figure, the tightness of your jaw, whether your eyes are crinkled in laugh lines of decades of living, what you are wearing--Is it new and expensive? Where are you traveling next? Did your children get into a top university--If not they are failures as are you.
I see homes that are impeccable. There is no sign of habitation. The people who live in these housese are not truly alive. I look into their faces and I see a bleak vacancy, blank eyes without feeling, a frightfully pasted on smile (with perfect white teeth). God help you if you age naturally. There are parts of this country where aging is not allowed. You must get a face lift, be regularly botoxed, fractionally laserized, etc.
The narcissistic style has taken over much of this country. No one talks about it openly but it is omnipresent.
I had a woman ask me if I thought she lived in the right zip code. Inwardly, I gasped. She had purchased a home in a very fine neighborhood but this wasn't good enough for her. I asked myself---What the hell is going on here???? How is it that the material, the surface, the veneer is now passing for reality and meaning.
There are tremendous exceptions---people who do not make judgments based on someone's age, looks, quality of clothing or lack thereof, schools attended or not attended, proper family backgrounds, social circles, etc.
Those who strut the narcissistic style are oblivious to everyone but those in their tight circles. They are dizzy with their worldly power and the thrill that it gives them to acquire things---the obsession with getting more and more. An endless addiction to Having that cannot be quelled. Deep inside these people are so psychologically empty, they cannot be with themselves. They project their self hatred on to others. They look down upon those who have not succeeded as inferior. "They have been foolish, made stupid mistakes. it is all their fault." Did anyone hear about tragedy striking a person, a family, brothers, sisters----everything getting wiped out. Those who have a crumb of care left about those who can barely hold their head above water need to tune in to the suffering that is all around us and reach out their hands. A dear friend of mine was recently leaving a party. As she went to her car, she saw a stranger picking over garbage. She asked: "Are you hungry?" The man said "yes". She gave him a large bag of delicious ribs and fixings. He said "thank you.". This is typical of my friend's behavior in all areas of her life. She has a different style---a loving all encompassing way of including others in her life, friends and strangers, knowing when they need help and providing comfort and sustenance to them. I have found a growing number of people who are proceeding with their lives in this way. They don't put themselves above others; they do not declare themselves superior. Their natural inclination is to give and share---That is the real human force within us. I have met so many of you with open hands and hearts. My greatest thanks!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
I see homes that are impeccable. There is no sign of habitation. The people who live in these housese are not truly alive. I look into their faces and I see a bleak vacancy, blank eyes without feeling, a frightfully pasted on smile (with perfect white teeth). God help you if you age naturally. There are parts of this country where aging is not allowed. You must get a face lift, be regularly botoxed, fractionally laserized, etc.
The narcissistic style has taken over much of this country. No one talks about it openly but it is omnipresent.
I had a woman ask me if I thought she lived in the right zip code. Inwardly, I gasped. She had purchased a home in a very fine neighborhood but this wasn't good enough for her. I asked myself---What the hell is going on here???? How is it that the material, the surface, the veneer is now passing for reality and meaning.
There are tremendous exceptions---people who do not make judgments based on someone's age, looks, quality of clothing or lack thereof, schools attended or not attended, proper family backgrounds, social circles, etc.
Those who strut the narcissistic style are oblivious to everyone but those in their tight circles. They are dizzy with their worldly power and the thrill that it gives them to acquire things---the obsession with getting more and more. An endless addiction to Having that cannot be quelled. Deep inside these people are so psychologically empty, they cannot be with themselves. They project their self hatred on to others. They look down upon those who have not succeeded as inferior. "They have been foolish, made stupid mistakes. it is all their fault." Did anyone hear about tragedy striking a person, a family, brothers, sisters----everything getting wiped out. Those who have a crumb of care left about those who can barely hold their head above water need to tune in to the suffering that is all around us and reach out their hands. A dear friend of mine was recently leaving a party. As she went to her car, she saw a stranger picking over garbage. She asked: "Are you hungry?" The man said "yes". She gave him a large bag of delicious ribs and fixings. He said "thank you.". This is typical of my friend's behavior in all areas of her life. She has a different style---a loving all encompassing way of including others in her life, friends and strangers, knowing when they need help and providing comfort and sustenance to them. I have found a growing number of people who are proceeding with their lives in this way. They don't put themselves above others; they do not declare themselves superior. Their natural inclination is to give and share---That is the real human force within us. I have met so many of you with open hands and hearts. My greatest thanks!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissistic Spouse--Doesn't Care whether You Live or Die
Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. He/she is merciless. If you are in the full bloom of his infatuation with you--then you are The One and he won't let you forget it. This phase doesn't last long. You may believe that he still loves you (He never did--Narcissists are incapable of love). This is not true. He is just barely going through the motions. In fact not long after the marriage, a few years, months, decades, depending on his fancy and other opportunities he has for other women to adore him., he wants you out of his life--the quicker the better.
If you get sick he doesn't give a damn. If you get real sick, he is inconvenienced and pissed. "You drive yourself to the hospital. You're putting on an act--I can tel and it's not convincing." This has really happened. Believe it, this is how cold and disgusting these individuals can be when their adoring audience is not present. He pretends to care about your welfare but this is all show. His relatives and friends think he is an extraordinary person--a great family man. Really!!! It is not unusual after the marriage is in dark distress for the narcissistic husband to flip the entire family to his side. Don't catch yourself flat footed. Remember, without a conscience the narcissist is morally agile--he can go in any direction he wants at high speed. Others have to think and weigh the consequences of their judgements: Will this hurt someone? Will I hurt this person's feelings? The narcissist doesn't go through this exercise---ever. He forges ahead in the fast lane of his life and no one else matters.
So, you must learn to care about your own life and appreciate every gift that you have, every kindness you have shown to others and those that you will bestow in the future. Appreciate that you think about the feelings of others before you act--that you have a well developed conscience--that you are merciful to those who are vulnerable, afraid, weak and debilitated. And today there are so many of these people---living alone, barely holding on. You will find them and ease their suffering. You are a real human being. You have compassion and that is scarce these days. As you grow and individuate you will psychologically leave the narrow cruel life of the narcissist behind. You will continue to grow and re-create your life. I wish you my very best. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
If you get sick he doesn't give a damn. If you get real sick, he is inconvenienced and pissed. "You drive yourself to the hospital. You're putting on an act--I can tel and it's not convincing." This has really happened. Believe it, this is how cold and disgusting these individuals can be when their adoring audience is not present. He pretends to care about your welfare but this is all show. His relatives and friends think he is an extraordinary person--a great family man. Really!!! It is not unusual after the marriage is in dark distress for the narcissistic husband to flip the entire family to his side. Don't catch yourself flat footed. Remember, without a conscience the narcissist is morally agile--he can go in any direction he wants at high speed. Others have to think and weigh the consequences of their judgements: Will this hurt someone? Will I hurt this person's feelings? The narcissist doesn't go through this exercise---ever. He forges ahead in the fast lane of his life and no one else matters.
So, you must learn to care about your own life and appreciate every gift that you have, every kindness you have shown to others and those that you will bestow in the future. Appreciate that you think about the feelings of others before you act--that you have a well developed conscience--that you are merciful to those who are vulnerable, afraid, weak and debilitated. And today there are so many of these people---living alone, barely holding on. You will find them and ease their suffering. You are a real human being. You have compassion and that is scarce these days. As you grow and individuate you will psychologically leave the narrow cruel life of the narcissist behind. You will continue to grow and re-create your life. I wish you my very best. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
My Mother the Covert Narcissist
When we are little we believe the family story. Many of us think that we had good parents, that our mother and father loved one another. So often this is not true. There is a secret agenda going on behind the scenes.
In private the young child hears the parents screaming at one another. The child cowers in bed or hides in the closet until silence finally arrives.
Many children grow up with mothers who are covert narcissists. A young child is led to believe that mother is loving and caring person. Many of these women go about their duties to their children, making sure their basic needs are met. This doesn't include spending emotionally intimate time with her son or daughter. Being face to face with our children, giving our time and attention, listening and attuning to them lovingly, caring deeply when they are suffering and feeling bad. This is the real parental role.
The covert narcissistic mother is not grandiose or flashy. She has a facade of humility and self effacement. On the outside in the the world these mothers are considered to be fine people and excellent mothers. Their outward behaviors are dutiful.
In the privacy of the home a different darker drama is being played out. Covert narcissistic mothers do not put their children at the center of their lives. Like their grandiose sisters in psychopathology---every thing revolves around them. The image that they create as mother is the narcissist's reality. The covert narcissistic mother is a master of injecting guilt into her child's psyche. She always feels inadequate and wrong---that she hasn't lived up to her mother's standards. No matter what she does it will not be sufficient to win mother's love and the daughter takes this on as her fault. Covert narcissistic mothers rule out of intimidation. They pit one child against the other. This causes chaos and suspicion within the household. When you are "raised by a covert narcissistic mother" you are on your own. If she has chosen a golden child boy or girl, then you are either given no attention at all or strictly the negative kind--you are always compared with the golden one and are labelled inferior.
Surviving this childhood is very difficult. Many children discover that their fertile imaginations provide them with a rich fantasy life. Many go to libraries and read hundreds of books. Others spend a lot of time at the homes of friends where they find respite from the wars at home. Many of these children grow up to become empathic, competent creative individuals.They do a lot of work on themselves, unravel their childhoods and come to understand the tremendous inadequacies of their pathological narcissistic mothers. Good psychotherapy and deep support from others along the way is often the key.
Always remember that you are not your covert narcissistic mother. You are a unique individual who deserves to lead a life of great meaning, creativity, the reciprocation of love and the spontaneous gift of living in this precious moment. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
In private the young child hears the parents screaming at one another. The child cowers in bed or hides in the closet until silence finally arrives.
Many children grow up with mothers who are covert narcissists. A young child is led to believe that mother is loving and caring person. Many of these women go about their duties to their children, making sure their basic needs are met. This doesn't include spending emotionally intimate time with her son or daughter. Being face to face with our children, giving our time and attention, listening and attuning to them lovingly, caring deeply when they are suffering and feeling bad. This is the real parental role.
The covert narcissistic mother is not grandiose or flashy. She has a facade of humility and self effacement. On the outside in the the world these mothers are considered to be fine people and excellent mothers. Their outward behaviors are dutiful.
In the privacy of the home a different darker drama is being played out. Covert narcissistic mothers do not put their children at the center of their lives. Like their grandiose sisters in psychopathology---every thing revolves around them. The image that they create as mother is the narcissist's reality. The covert narcissistic mother is a master of injecting guilt into her child's psyche. She always feels inadequate and wrong---that she hasn't lived up to her mother's standards. No matter what she does it will not be sufficient to win mother's love and the daughter takes this on as her fault. Covert narcissistic mothers rule out of intimidation. They pit one child against the other. This causes chaos and suspicion within the household. When you are "raised by a covert narcissistic mother" you are on your own. If she has chosen a golden child boy or girl, then you are either given no attention at all or strictly the negative kind--you are always compared with the golden one and are labelled inferior.
Surviving this childhood is very difficult. Many children discover that their fertile imaginations provide them with a rich fantasy life. Many go to libraries and read hundreds of books. Others spend a lot of time at the homes of friends where they find respite from the wars at home. Many of these children grow up to become empathic, competent creative individuals.They do a lot of work on themselves, unravel their childhoods and come to understand the tremendous inadequacies of their pathological narcissistic mothers. Good psychotherapy and deep support from others along the way is often the key.
Always remember that you are not your covert narcissistic mother. You are a unique individual who deserves to lead a life of great meaning, creativity, the reciprocation of love and the spontaneous gift of living in this precious moment. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Monday, July 2, 2012
Omg--I Married a Sociopath
You are painfully discovering that the man you married is not only a narcisssist, he is a sociopath. The warning signs were there early but you were so dazzled by his perfect charming irresistable facade that you didn't notice. He had all of the qualities that you had been searching for. He was confident, intelligent, successful, good looking, socially skilled. And he was so taken with you that you couldn't say no. There was a part of you that said: "This is the guy; if I let him go I will never find another man like him. I will have missed my chance." Certainly you had no idea of the real nature of the bargain that you were striking. It was a deal with the devil and you were easy prey. With all of this said, do not blame yourself now. You could not have known that this man was a sociopath (I call them bloodless sociopaths because they don't commit physically violent crimes) Their crimes are psychological, emotional and financial.
I have read and heard from so many women who have fallen into this trap. As the number of narcissists increases every day, the number of bloodless sociopaths swells as well. Being ruthless, lacking conscience (if you can get away with what you want to do without getting caught) stepping on the feelings of others, pushing those who are weaker out of the way, exploiting the vulnerable-----These personality traits and the behaviors and consequences of them have become unimportant to many in the current society today. As long as you get the goods, make the big money, are clever at getting around the laws and have the right connections and an impeccable image, you are praised , raised up, financially rewarded and by some who are mesmerized by you---considered a hero, an innovator.
This is all delusion--the greatest act in the world that most people believe, even the relatives of the victims of the sociopathic husband. In the darkness of your bedroom late at night, you are brutalized psychologically. You are derided, criticized and treated like a piece of trash. You are always in fight or flight mode--there is no let up. Your blood pressure is high; you are getting constant infections and flus.You can't sleep at night and you wake up with a start. "What is he going to do next?" You keep asking and the answer is Plenty.
First, recognize that you are married to a psychological criminal --a person who doesn't give a damn about you and will replace you with someone else if he already hasn't.
Make your plans secretly to get out of the marriage and to protect the assets that you have. And that includes your emotional, physical and psychological health. Get ahead of his game. Research attorneys and find one who is so smart, clever and your absolute advocate--a person who is very grounded and remains exceedingly calm in dealing with these vipers. You need a veteran of these ugly divorce wars. Keep your circle of real friends tightly around you and make sure that no one says a word about your plans. Seek short term quality psychotherapy if you think that will provide you with a therapeutic alliance that you need at this time. Call upon a few friends--you only need one--who is there for you at any time.
Keep your plan very close to the vest. AND don't change your mind. At some point he may get the scent that you are out of his game and try to woo you back with enticements. NO NO NO--You are faithful to yourself and your future as a free indivdiual. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
I have read and heard from so many women who have fallen into this trap. As the number of narcissists increases every day, the number of bloodless sociopaths swells as well. Being ruthless, lacking conscience (if you can get away with what you want to do without getting caught) stepping on the feelings of others, pushing those who are weaker out of the way, exploiting the vulnerable-----These personality traits and the behaviors and consequences of them have become unimportant to many in the current society today. As long as you get the goods, make the big money, are clever at getting around the laws and have the right connections and an impeccable image, you are praised , raised up, financially rewarded and by some who are mesmerized by you---considered a hero, an innovator.
This is all delusion--the greatest act in the world that most people believe, even the relatives of the victims of the sociopathic husband. In the darkness of your bedroom late at night, you are brutalized psychologically. You are derided, criticized and treated like a piece of trash. You are always in fight or flight mode--there is no let up. Your blood pressure is high; you are getting constant infections and flus.You can't sleep at night and you wake up with a start. "What is he going to do next?" You keep asking and the answer is Plenty.
First, recognize that you are married to a psychological criminal --a person who doesn't give a damn about you and will replace you with someone else if he already hasn't.
Make your plans secretly to get out of the marriage and to protect the assets that you have. And that includes your emotional, physical and psychological health. Get ahead of his game. Research attorneys and find one who is so smart, clever and your absolute advocate--a person who is very grounded and remains exceedingly calm in dealing with these vipers. You need a veteran of these ugly divorce wars. Keep your circle of real friends tightly around you and make sure that no one says a word about your plans. Seek short term quality psychotherapy if you think that will provide you with a therapeutic alliance that you need at this time. Call upon a few friends--you only need one--who is there for you at any time.
Keep your plan very close to the vest. AND don't change your mind. At some point he may get the scent that you are out of his game and try to woo you back with enticements. NO NO NO--You are faithful to yourself and your future as a free indivdiual. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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