Narcissistic Smackdown---Destructive Narcissistic Rage

Have you been smack downed by a narcissist? Your spouse? ex-spouse? your narcissistic mother? narcissistic sister, narcissistic brother?

When you area the recipient of narcissistic rage, you are reeling from the impact. It's a  fist in the face that draws blood--big blood. Time after time as a child if you had narcissistic parents -mother or father or both--you were treated inhumanely. Every step you tried to take forward to define yourself was squelched by the blows of criticism, the digs, the talk behind your back of how stupid and inept you were. If you had a golden child in the family he or she was always compared as the person who was superior to you. The golden child treated you like a poor relation at best. Narcissistic golden children bully their brothers and sisters. They have free reign over the household. There are no limits for them. They are at the center of constant cascading adulation. .

Part of the narcissist's pathological psychic structure is his narcissistic rage. It is always bubbling beneath the surface. This rage is sure to be turned on you if you are living with the narcissist or have contact with him. Narcissistic verbal assaults with the full rage effect are unpredictable. They come out of the blue for no rational reason. When they come forth you have no place to hide, no secure safety net. You are on the high wire without a net. You are trapped in the presence of an omnipresent beast. If you are married to a narcissist how long are you willing or able to withstand these malicious assaults? Do you believe that you deserve them? Can you continue to ignore them while your nervous system becomes weakened and you are in constant fight or flight mode? What price will you pay with your life?

The narcissist is not going to change----ever. If change takes place you are the one who will drive it. If you are married to a narcissist, the severance from this pathological relationship can mean a tough divorce. For many who contact me this has been well worth the battle and the recovery of their lives.

Children of narcissistic mothers have a very difficult time severing the relationship. Many keep going back to the source of their pain. It is hard to admit that the person who carried you in the womb or who adopted you as an infant is highly disturbed and will never appreciate you as a separate person--no matter how hard you try. Some adult children of narcissists find that good professional psychotherapy is helpful to them in making a final separation from the narcissistic mother or father. They find other people--friends whom they trust and share their feelings who are present for them and available. This makes up for much of their residual pain. In recovery the child of the narcissist discovers many of their creative gifts that have been left dormant and were never encouraged.

You don't deserve to internalize primitive narcissistic rage. Keep telling yourself this and let it resonate deep in your mind and psyche. You deserve inner peace and the full use of your creative capacities and the love of special people in your life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorce Narcissistic Husband --You Deserve a Real Life

When you are married to a narcissist you life has been commandeered by a selfish, demanding, egotistical and unempathic man. In the beginning he will dazzle you and sweep you up in his grandiose dreams. You believe them and want to share every aspect of your life with him. This is especially true if the narcissist is high-level, meaning that this person is highly gifted with charm, a keen intellect, professional success and the capacity of persuasion. These men are masters of disguise. When you meet them, you feel an automatic pull to them. Your body responds erotically to them; you can't say no. You may hear a small voice inside telling you that this is dangerous but you override it and proceed with the romantic drama. Many women have a dream of the man who will complete or rescue them. Even women who are fiercely independent and successful in their own rights are taken off guard by these master method actors of irresistible charm. They weave you into their web. They tell you that you are the chosen one--that they have been looking for you all of their lives. They are very clever with words and nonverbal moves. They know when to rush in to cinch the deal. They are at the top of their game when they are seducing the chosen woman---You. 

A few years after the wedding or even sooner, the relationship falters. The sharp barbs and sarcastic remarks directed at you becoming a daily occurrence. The times of any peace in the house lessen. You notice that you are being treated as an object----There is no respect for you as an individual. As the months and years accrue, the venomous projections mount. You feel their sting. You are emotionally wounded and doubt yourself. You try to change--to go along with your spouse's demands. This doesn't work. You realize that this man is in love with himself. The deception and lies escalate. There is verbal abuse and at times physical abuse. In many cases the husband takes over the finances and starts to spirit away your collective financial stability.

Finally the wife of the narcissist wakes up and recognizes that she has been exploited brutally. She is both wasting her life and despising herself. Often there is a major blowup that reveals in colored lights that you are married to a narcissistic personality disorder. Many wives have been reading about narcissistic personality for some time. They put the puzzle pieces together and with shock see on the page that they are reading that their husband has a very disorder--narcissistic personality. She also comes to terms with the fact that these personalities cannot change. They are fixed as a grandiose false self. Narcissists believe they are perfect and superior to everyone, that they never make mistakes, that they are terrific people, that they are invincible.

A time of reckoning comes when the  psychologically besieged spouse must make a decision whether to stay in the marriage or seek a divorce. In most cases the latter decision is the better choice. It takes a lot of effort and can be very complex and difficult, but there are so many instances of success for the non-narcissistic spouse and the improvement of her entire life on every level after the divorce and severing a relationship that was never a true marriage. The partner is free now to lead her own life, to breathe deeply in solitude, to ramp up the use of her creative gifts, to explore genuine relationship, to say Yes to life on her terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Daddy's Girls Despise Men

There are daddy's girls who are very successful. I have read many accounts of women who favored their father over their mother because he was emotionally more accessible.  Mother was distant and cold. Many daddy's girls grow up to be confident women. Since early childhood they have felt the special love and bond of a father who communicates to this child that she is capable of doing anything she chooses. Her horizons are limitless. The protective and open love and affection of a wonderful father has a powerful effect of solidfying and strengthening the psychological core of the daughter.

In the case of the narcissistic daddy's girl the pattern of behavior and the messages the narcissistic father sends his daughter cause great psychological harm to her. If she is adored over the mother and there is an abnormal erotic tie between the two of them, the daughter learns that she can manipulate her father and get whatever she wants. She flirts with him and the father reciprocates by promising her she is the only love of her life. Altenenirhough there is no overt sexual interplay between the two of them, the strong pull of eros is always in the air. Fathers of narcissistic daddy's girls are often narcissistic. The young daughter learns to worship at the throne of the father's grandiose false self. She watches how he connives and manipulates his spouse, children, in-laws, siblings and everyone else in his life. She thrills to the glances he gives her saying without words: "You are my favorite-Even my wife cannot compete with you." The daughter believes these messages and is besotted with dad. She wants to be exactly like him. He is her master teacher. As she moves through adolescence and young adulthood, this daughter gathers momentum in the ruthless art of getting men to fall in love with her. She often has more than one on the string at any given time. She knows how to juggle men the way her dad juggles his girlfriends.

When surveys the environment of men and finds that she gets all of the attention. If she is physically attractive and magnetic, she can have her pick. Now a fully developed narcissistic personality, the daughter chooses a man to marry, not because she loves him but to fulfill her grand vision of her own life. Deep inside she knows that if this doesn't work out, she will be free to choose someone else.

The narcissistic daddy's girl has struck a deal not a marriage. She has found pure gold in a man over whom she has complete control, who will further her highest career ambitions, enhance her social connections and never say No to her. Deep down she hates her partner and all other men. She views them as weak and malleable--not very smart. NDG's victimize men throughout their lives, leaving many broken hearts and financial disasters in their wake.

To avoid becoming entranced with a narcissistic daddy's girl, study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Married to a Narcissist--Protect Your Psychological and Financial Assests

When marriage to a narcissist has become impossible for the last time, the emotionally abused spouse decides to make the legal break. It is not uncommon for her to find out that there are no financial assets or that they have been spirited away over a period of years. Some spouses have made the mistake (because they trusted this person) to let allow them to control the money and property. In some cases the non narcissistic spouse has invested her earnings in her narcissistic spouse's business to find out later that everything is in his name or has been put under the control of one of his family members or a friend. These life stories are devastating. The abused spouse has been left with no financial resources. If she is fortunate to have a career she will move forward. Like a common criminal her husband has stolen her hard earned money from her. In some cases the narcissistic wife is the perpetrator.  Make sure that you personal assets are protected  and that you are actively engaged and knowledgeable about your community property, investments, etc.
Narcissists with their constant demands, criticisms, betrayals and manipulations, are always poised to wreak psychological damage upon their spouses. Day after day of bouts of volcanic rage aimed at you, false accusations and threats is damaging to your nervous system. Every time the screaming starts, the endless barbs are volleyed, you feel the flight or flight syndrome coursing through your body. Many spouses put up with this kind of abuse over many decades and find themselves depleted and exhausted.

Your psychological well being is invaluable. To be able to lead your life with inner peace and the solitude you need, to share yourself with a person who appreciates you as an individual is your right. So many spouses who are married to narcissists feel undeserving. Much of this attitude stems from early childhood when the spouse was treated with rampant cruelty, extreme humiliations, dangerous neglect. In some cases, children are discarded and placed with other family members who are unable to care for them and fulfill any of their needs. It is not unusual for a child who grows up feeling unworthy to marry a narcissist who continues patterns of abuse that are familiar and exceedingly harmful.

Learn to protect yourself from the narcissistic spouse. Make sure no one takes control of Your Life. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Narcissists are a very fast growing part of the population. Assert your entitlement and use your creative gifts. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 

Never Underestimate Narcissist's Cunning

The narcissist is a restless human being. He/she is always seeking narcissistic supplies--those psychological foods that he must have in order to keep his ego sense of self fully inflated. On an unconscious level the narcissist suffers from feelings of inner emptiness. Rarely is a narcissist in touch with this part of himself/herself on a conscious level. The narcissist's defense mechanisms--his belief that he is superior to others, that he is perfect, that everyone is inferior to him, that he can control and manipulate anyone to achieve his grandiose goals for power and monetary gain. (Not all narcissists are materialistic but most of the "successful" ones are obsessed with acquiring material possessions and  monetary power as well as social connections that will smooth their pathway to power.

Those who marry narcissists are unaware of their cunning and secrecy. Because of their charm and capacity to "read" their spouses and know their weak spots, they are clever at knowing when you are vulnerable, exhausted, confused, feeling desperate. It is at these times in particular that their plans for how to control you further are hatched. One common scenario is that of the narcissistic spouse who marries a partner who is affluent due to their own professional success or is a member of a family that is prominent and wealthy. From the beginning the narcissistic spouse knows exactly how he will thread the needle, become indispensable to the in-laws, ingratiate himself to your siblings and become fully trusted in the family. It is from this false base of pseudo trust that the narcissist's begins his dirty work. If you genuinely trust a narcissistic spouse, be ready to be deceived, betrayed and taken for a very bumpy ride. I hear scenarios every day where the narcissistic spouse talked the innocent partner into taking over all of her financial affairs and appointing himself (or a close narcissistic confidente of his) to become executor and have power of attorney. This narcissist has done such a masterful job of  deluding your family members, he is believed and they relinquish their power to him. He is deemed the savior and bright light of the family.

In some cases the narcissist changes the family member's perceptions so completely that they turn against the non-narcissistic spouse. As the marriage crumbles and divorce is inevitable, the non narcissistic spouse is left, deserted and betrayed without the support of her family. To arm and protect yoursself from the cunning narcissist, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Lost Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---Finding Themselves

You cannot always see it in their faces or hear it in their words but daughters of narcissistic mothers often feel psychologically empty and emotionally lost. Many of these daughters are in denial because the emotional pain of being raised by a mother in name only is too hard to bear. They are psychologically numb.  They anesthetize themselves with "exciting" relationships, often to narcissistic men. This is a pattern that I have noticed over time that is quite common. You would wonder why anyone would expose themselves to a toxic narcissist after they had endured the royal treatment with mother. This is because as children our reality begins and ends with mother and father. Narcissistic mothers regularly cast the father out of the picture, rule him, emasculate him and denigrate him. Men who endure this treatment often become unavailable to their children.  They are terrified of their wives. They fear the recriminations and accusations and the constant vile criticisms. Often these men become workaholics and are absent from the family home most of the time.

Narcissistic women marry men they can control, blame, abuse and discard. This leaves the daughter of the narcissist face to face with a formidable presence. No daughter can ever measure up and be accepted as an individual or cherished as a child or adult by a narcissistic mother. 

As small children, these daughters are constantly on the alert for mother's real or metaphorical footsteps.Mother seems to be ever-present to pounce on them, especially if the daughter is attempting to share her unique creative ideas and talents. This is especially true if the daughter of the NM is not the Golden Child. The NM treats this one like a fly that has buzzed across her forehead once too many times. 

Narcissistic mothers often act as if they don't have a daughter. Many of them spend most of their tune climbing the career and job ladder. Together with this they have a very active social life. They would rather spend time with people who keep their massive egos inflated than be in the company of a small child who needs constant attention and care. Very young, they are passed off to child care services or nannies without a backward glance. Meanwhile, mother is playing the role or Queen wwherever she goes---fooling many people into thinking she is a fine human being.

Daughters of NMs struggle with evolving their own true identities after the maternal deprivation and abuse of their childhoods. They don't trust themselves; they lack confidence Many are always worried about what "Mother" will think even though deep down they know she doesn't care.

Some of these daughters have a time of reckoning---a big wake up call. They realize that they are not evolving but living in the shadow of a cruel cold non mother. They feel they must save themselves and claim their individuality. Daughters who make this decision often benefit from psychotherapy, group support and other healing modalities including gentle yoga, meditation, using their creativity, following their gifts and passions to re-create themselves. With perseverance and faith in themselves, they re-set their lives, re-discovering their true identities. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouse--Psychological Abuse Must Stop

Narcissistic spouses are known for taking their husbands or wives beyond the point of endurance. They don't care one whit if you are becoming emotionally fragile, have post traumatic stress, physical symptoms--headaches, gastrointestinal problems, bouts of debilitating depression, insomnia and hundreds of others disturbances. They live strictly for themselves. In fact if you go to them for mercy and tell them you are suffering they will tell you  any of the following: " you are weak and too sensitive", It's all in your mind" "your imagination is too vivid" "You're making it up to upset me" "You're a drama queen (or king)","you're mentally unbalanced" and innumerable labels and cruel retorts. How many times have you told yourself you can't take this abuse any longer. You're not sleeping; you are jumping with nerves every time you know you husband will be at home. You dread having to be near this person. You are always waiting for the next verbal assault--It can come any time of day or night. Some narcissistic spouses awaken their partners in the middle of the night and go on verbal rampages for hours nonstop.

A point of reckoning is to know through your research and insight that the person to whom you are married is a narcissistic personality. This individual is not going to change. You have suffered for too long and your quality of life, including your physical energy, mental focus, feelings of emotional security and concerns about your children are negatively effected by continuing in the marriage. The time has come and the decision is yours. You long to take back your own life, your own mind, your individual gifts and energies. You can decide how you want to live---starting this moment. Pay close attention to your inner self. You can leave the narcissist and lead the life that you deserve. You have that strength, faith and perseverance. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com