Narcissistic Smackdown---Destructive Narcissistic Rage

Have you been smack downed by a narcissist? Your spouse? ex-spouse? your narcissistic mother? narcissistic sister, narcissistic brother?

When you area the recipient of narcissistic rage, you are reeling from the impact. It's a  fist in the face that draws blood--big blood. Time after time as a child if you had narcissistic parents -mother or father or both--you were treated inhumanely. Every step you tried to take forward to define yourself was squelched by the blows of criticism, the digs, the talk behind your back of how stupid and inept you were. If you had a golden child in the family he or she was always compared as the person who was superior to you. The golden child treated you like a poor relation at best. Narcissistic golden children bully their brothers and sisters. They have free reign over the household. There are no limits for them. They are at the center of constant cascading adulation. .

Part of the narcissist's pathological psychic structure is his narcissistic rage. It is always bubbling beneath the surface. This rage is sure to be turned on you if you are living with the narcissist or have contact with him. Narcissistic verbal assaults with the full rage effect are unpredictable. They come out of the blue for no rational reason. When they come forth you have no place to hide, no secure safety net. You are on the high wire without a net. You are trapped in the presence of an omnipresent beast. If you are married to a narcissist how long are you willing or able to withstand these malicious assaults? Do you believe that you deserve them? Can you continue to ignore them while your nervous system becomes weakened and you are in constant fight or flight mode? What price will you pay with your life?

The narcissist is not going to change----ever. If change takes place you are the one who will drive it. If you are married to a narcissist, the severance from this pathological relationship can mean a tough divorce. For many who contact me this has been well worth the battle and the recovery of their lives.

Children of narcissistic mothers have a very difficult time severing the relationship. Many keep going back to the source of their pain. It is hard to admit that the person who carried you in the womb or who adopted you as an infant is highly disturbed and will never appreciate you as a separate person--no matter how hard you try. Some adult children of narcissists find that good professional psychotherapy is helpful to them in making a final separation from the narcissistic mother or father. They find other people--friends whom they trust and share their feelings who are present for them and available. This makes up for much of their residual pain. In recovery the child of the narcissist discovers many of their creative gifts that have been left dormant and were never encouraged.

You don't deserve to internalize primitive narcissistic rage. Keep telling yourself this and let it resonate deep in your mind and psyche. You deserve inner peace and the full use of your creative capacities and the love of special people in your life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Relatives Rampage through Entire Families

Narcissists have neither limits of decency nor respect for other human beings, including family members. One narcissist allowed to bully himself freely over decades can psychologically decimate many members of one family. One of the worst constellations is the mother/father narcissistic duo. Children of these unions have it very tough. Even as small children life is not centered on them. It is all about their selfish, self absorbed, cold and often enraged parents. Children from these families learn survival skills the hard way. It is very painful when they come to the realization that their parents were incapable of genuinely loving them. Those who are more fortunate often turn to an older brother or sister who substitutes as a surrogate parent.These children feel loved and protected by the older sibling and grow knowing there is at least one person they can trust and count on.

In some cases the narcissist is a golden child boy or girl, selected by mother and/or father as superior to all the other family members. He is treated like a member of royalty. All talk and adulation by the parents is about him or her. If this child has talents, is bright or gifted in other ways, he is the center of attention and given everything he wants. Narcissistic parents allow these blooming narcissists to treat their siblings cruelly. They ignore the extreme bullying that chronically occurs and can cause severe psychological damage to the brothers and sisters who are frequent victims of this abuse. The narcissistic parents are oblivious of these dreadful patterns of cruelty. In some cases they join in and belittle the children who are imperfect, taunting them, punishing them unjustly and making their lives absolutely miserable.

Many of the victims of growing up in a narcissistic family spend years in the healing process. Some find that psychotherapy with a skilled empathic clinician helps them to recognize the war zone they have navigated all of their lives. They learn to recognize and appreciate their identities that are separate from the narcissist. In many cases they end any contact with their narcissistic relatives. There are no authentic relationships with narcissists, even if they are your relatives. Discovering and learning to lead their lives on their own terms, opens them to the full use of their gifts and talents and the awareness that they are fully capable of loving others on a deep level. Other modalities of healing can involve various forms of meditation that work for the individual, hatha yoga with emphasis on relaxation and concentration, many forms of exercise that free the mind and strengthen the body. Those who thrive after the narcissistic family wars deserve our congratulations. They have prevailed. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---You Deserve to Heal Sooner than Later

Each daughter of a narcissistic mother is unique. Her life experiences are specific to her but there are common psychological dilemmas daughters of narcissistic mothers share. As a small child she was never appreciated for herself as an individual. Even if she was the chosen one, the star of the family, this daughter was not allowed to be her real self. Some daughters of narcissists become narcissistic themselves. Most often this is  not the case. The daughters of these mothers suffer horribly under the cruel dictatorship of insensitive, demanding, cold mothers who impose themselves on their children.  Some daughters are used as scapegoats by the mother. This is one of the most painful and difficult roles for a young child. There is no peace or respite for these daughters. Many of them make themselves invisible and do everything they can to be out of mother's line of fire. There are daughter who spend their childhood and adulthoods  in sadness, confusion, anger and guilt. They feel invalidated by the narcissistic mother at every turn. The constant criticisms, put downs, demeaning comments and cruel manipulations reverberate deeply within them. Some daughters keep returning to the mother for love which she is incapable of giving. 

The goal of each daughter of a narcissistic mother is to reclaim her life----a life that was commandeered by a woman who is not a real mother. In some cases the daughter was able to obtain comfort and acceptance from the father, a grandmother, aunt or a family friend.

One of the first steps to healing is recognizing that mother is a narcissistic personality disorder that will not change. Another part of the  process is grieving over the mother that you didn't have. You are a special human being,not a possession of a woman who has no understanding or empathy. This is a difficult step and old pain comes to the surface. Being able to deal with the loss and the recognition by the daughter that she is a valuable separate person in her own right. This represents a great movement toward individuation and personal freedom.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are helped by quality psychotherapy with a clinician who has clinical expertise on the narcissistic personality disorder. The nest step is a transition of turning around how the daughter experiences herself. This begins with her understanding that she shares her mother's DNA but not her characterlogical attributes. As time moves forward these daughters discover and develop their unique creative gifts. This movement toward creativity is essential in making a clear break as a separate person who deserves to feel whole and independent. Many healing modalities are effective in moving in this direction. One pathway is through practices like gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. When we breathe through a pose we are enlivened and calmed at the same time. Yoga can be done on any level. It is highly adaptable to the individual. Another regular routine is developing your own meditation practice. Meditation is a personal activity. Learning to be at peace with yourself is invaluable to healing. Discovering your own expression of creativity is invaluable in redefining yourself. Some daughters discover that journaling and writing regularly is a freeing experience that allows them to express and appreciate what is deep inside and needs to be treasured. Some daughters discover that helping other women who have been victimized by these mothers is part of their healing. It is time now to reach out for the life that you deserve. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com