Those who are married to narcissists are subjected to unending verbal abuse of various kinds: bottomless rage, emotional digs, insulting remarks, demeaning accusations, shaming techniques, silent treatments that can last for weeks, threats and intimidations. Each non-narcissistic spouse is victimized in a unique way but there are many common elements to this abuse if you are married to a narcissist. I have heard spouses tell me that the verbal abuse hit them as hard as a physical blow. Besides the direct salvos, the narcissist talks behind your back, especially to relatives, spreading lies and defaming your character and causing estrangements within the family. You would think that a relative who has known you all of your life would believe you. This is often not the case. The narcissist is silver tongued and very convincing. An aspect of the verbal abuse is the narcissist's constant lying. This is automatic for the narcissist; he has been perfecting this dark skill all of his life.
Some abused spouses with children don't realize the traumatic effects the narcissist's blow-ups, screaming fits and loud demands and continual agitation has on their children. The young child requires a predictable emotional environment that is nourishing and loving. It is only human for us to lose our tempers from time to time but when a narcissistic parent is constantly in a state of siege and full-throated rage, this has a profound negative impact on a child. There is never any peace in this household.The spouse keeps telling herself/himself that this is a bad cycle and the narcissist will come out of it and gain a sense of emotional control and apologize for his disruptive and frightening behaviors. Most narcissists never apologize for anything they have done. They reflexively blame everyone else, especially their spouse.
Think carefully about what is happening to your life each day as you step on egg shells, living with your narcissistic spouse. What impact is this continuous verbal onslaught having on you psychologically and emotionally. How much more can you take? How is this chaotic, frightening environment affecting your children. What messages are you giving them by putting up with the abuse. Are you communicating to them that this is normal and to be expected? Are you asking them to put up with something they cannot bear?
Whether you have children or not, life with a narcissist grinds each spouse down emotionally. In some cases the spouse's immune system is weakened, making them vulnerable to physical illnesses.
You deserve to lead a life, using all of your creative gifts. You have a right to sleep soundly at night, to think about and express your thoughts openly and with receptivity by your spouse. You deserve to be with a spouse who is supportive of your personal growth in the directions that takes you. A worthy partner will always be there to support you when you are going through a family or personal ordeal to the best of their capacity. Take back your self entitlement, your respect and belief in yourself. Expand and deepen your vision of life. This will occur without the controlling, manipulative, exploitive narcissist. When you make the decisions to sever the relationship and all of the documents and agreements are sealed and you are on your way, you will look ahead with hope and a renewal, a rebirth of your self. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
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