Narcissistic Sons of Narcissistic Fathers--Spreading the Misery

Each narcissist has his own style. Some are brash, obnoxious, vicious, reptilian. Others are smooth, so sleek and clever that most people are taken in by them. On some occasions the narcissistic son is an absolute charmer. Bright, convivial, astute socially and driven to succeed this fellow goes far in his profession. He is capable of maintaining marital relationships as long as he is getting his necessities: obedience, praise, adulation, total agreement. He appears to care about his children as long as they come up to his high standards. He loves to brag about their exemplary school performance and their attractiveness. Socially you would never guess that this person is a narcissist. It is behind the stage after the performance that you know better. This smooth guy cannot stop talking about himself. There is no conversation with him. He regales you with his multitudinous stories that feature him as the lead actor. You hear about his professional triumphs ad nauseum. He has a loyal group of followers in  his close circle of Yes men. His focus in life is not insight, self knowing, compassion for others that he puts into action. It is economic success at the highest level. He doesn't care whom he hurts or decimates as he climbs to the top. His ruthlessness is masked by his ready smile, quick jokes, rambling stories and his handsome appearance.

The narcissistic father is a different story. Cast as the golden child from toddlerhood he indeed is very bright. He has been tested and found to be intellectually gifted. The parents are hyper impressed. The other children in the family are ignored and left to fend for themselves.Bid Daddy Narcissist is brash, rude, insensitive and downright cruel. He makes the most cutting remarks when you are alone with him. The horrendous projections eject from his mouth like filthy vomitus. He hits you in the gut with his verbal blows. You learn to avoid his presence because you know he will corner you and let you have it. He is sadistic with his blows. Many of his family members go along with his outrageous treatment. They all say to themselves: "On, there he goes again."  Really!!! These narcissists old or young should not be permitted to get off the hook. They are toxic and psychologically injure others, especially their unfavored children and their spouses.

Watch out for these fellows. Narcissists are increasing in numbers every day. Keep your distance from them. Maintain your ground and self respect. Keep them out of your life even if the rest of your social group or family thinks you are overly sensitive or even crazy. You know the truth about narcissists and the destruction that they cause throughout their lives.

You are taking a different path: learning about and activating your real self, using your many creative gifts, opening your heart and showing your kindness to others, learning how to quiet your mind by meditation, using your intuition to develop wisdom and inner peace. These are the real treasures and they are all available to you right now. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Patriarchs Destroy Their Families

Wherever they go, narcissists are destroyers. Without conscience or psychological boundaries, they head straight for what they want, regardless of the people whom they hurt, wound or destroy. This is particularly painful for family  members. The patriarchal grandiose, ruthless narcissist in his role as father and spouse, turns family members against one another, plays favorites openly, is cruel to those who don't measure up to his standards--meaning they must mirror him perfectly at all times. Narcissistic patriarchs rule with intimidation and threat. As a very young child the son or daughter of a patriarchal narcissist knows the sound of his/her father's footsteps and terror courses throughout his small body. His mind is racing as he feverishly searches for a place to hide. "What have I done wrong this time?" the child asks himself. Some children of narcissistic parents internalize these feelings of always being wrong, of not being worthy, worthlessness--without value.

With their volcanic rage interrupting any possible peace in the home, the narcissistic patriarch holds on to his throne by instilling deep fear in his spouse and children.  Day and night his wife and children are in a state of flight. Their nervous systems are worn down by the constant stress hormones that race through their bodies and the obsessive thoughts that this time dad and husband will lose it completely and decimate all of them.

Surviving this childhood or marriage is truly miraculous. After you are free of the narcissistic patriarch and on your own, there is an essential time for healing, appreciating your true unique nature and acknowledging and using your special gifts. Some victims find that quality psychotherapy helps them to work through the painful legacy of those years of maximum ordeal. There are many practices that will teach you that you are entitled to and can feel safe, secure and calm within yourself.  Practicing deep breathing through the nose slows the nervous system and puts you in the parasympathetic mode. Be patient with yourself. Remember you are learning to shift your body from fear and intimidation to calmness, security and a deep feeling of well being.
Gentle yoga with emphasis of breathing through the nose an focusing on doing poses in the moment teaches us to concentrate on what is happening now. As your breath slows down, every system in your body begins to heal. Looking deep within  and discovering your special gifts is an essential part of your healing. By working each day on this new cycle in your life you will find yourself changing. Be patient with the pace of this shift in your new self perception. Pay close attention to your intuition. Don't let the projections of others interfere with your insight. Move forward on your own path, appreciating the beauty of your personal transformation. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Sadistic Narcissists Get Pleasure from Your Fear

Narcissists are often sadistic. Each one finds his or her own way of gaining pleasure from inducing emotional, psychological or physical pain in others, particularly their spouses, children and siblings. The look of terror in your eyes tells them they have triumphed over you and are under their control. That's what they live for---to manipulate and control the lives of others. This is an indication of their superiority and perfection. It is difficult for those who are involved in relationships with narcissists who are not narcissistic to believe that anyone could be so premeditatively cruel. You are a compassionate person with a conscience. The narcissist is not and has a very low level of consciousness. These individuals are often very bright, high achievers in the world, exceedingly gifted socially and convincing but they are highly pathological. Never mistake a brilliant mind for a kind heart. They often don't mix in the human equation.

Sadistic narcissists are clever at using specific mental devices that will make you fearful. Your nervous system is always in alarm mode when you live with a narcissist. Some children of narcissistic parents carry this fear inside of them. It takes time for them to recognize that they don't have to feel alarmed and apprehensive all of the time. There are other psychological states that they can experience: calmness, inner security, peace in solitude with oneself, the force of your personal power, delight in discovering and activating your creativity, the joy of giving and receiving affection and love, the pure fun of your spontaneity, the use of an invaluable gift--your intuition. All of these capacities are inside of you, waiting to be used to the maximum.

The beginning is recognizing exactly who this person is. Next, is the knowledge that you cannot change anyone else--especially a narcissist. You can change yourself and your internal and external responses to these cruel individuals. In marriages to narcissists, the abused spouse often decides that she or he can and will no longer deal with this abominable treatment and makes the decision to sever the relationship. In other instances, for example, as the adult child of a narcissistic parent, this person goes no contact with the narcissist or very limited contact. (if that is possible)

I have met people who have learned not to react with fear. I applaud them. This is difficult to do especially if you were raised in a traumatic home environment or had parents who didn't give a damn about you or who were perfectionistic and highly controlling. But it can be done with perseverance.

You can begin to use certain practices that will introduce calmness into your life. Keep yourself as physically healthy and strong as you can. Secondly, there are practices like meditation (in a form that works for you) which can be done through walking, sitting, spending quiet time with yourself that in uninterrupted and prayer. If done regularly you will be building core mental, emotional and psychological muscles that you can call upon at any time. You will feel yourself getting stronger and being less intimidated by the narcissist. You are separating more and more from his/her hold on you.

Develop your unique gifts and talents. Do what you love, creatively. This can take any form---art, writing, gardening, cooking, photography, sketching, knitting, keeping a dream journal,crocheting and hundreds of varieties of activities. These gifts and their flowering belong to you and no one else. Recognize, develop and use your intuition. The more you call upon it the stronger intuition becomes. It is our great companion throughout life. Re-start the life that you deserve, Now. Be kind to yourself. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Give to Yourself Each Day

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have spent their lives as servants and even slaves. Never wanted, treated like dirt, the subject of physical and psychological abuse, being compared with other siblings and declared inferior, their moments every day have been filled with fear, humiliation and self degradation. Some adult daughters end up marrying the living nightmare of their mother---another narcissist who in his own style will pull all of the games and betrayals, and cruelties of her mother. This is a repetition of the past that often occurs.

As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, give yourself credit for surviving this hellish life experience. You got yourself through when no one was there to help you or even believe the dreadful things your NM did to you. Your siblings have remained silent and if they are narcissistic golden children they continue to blame and humiliate you. You are the one that is scorned. They learned very well from your NM. A time arrives when daughters of narcissistic mothers can no longer tolerate the abuse. They know they don't deserve it and it is ruining their lives. Many of them go No Contact indefinitely in order to move toward self acceptance, inner peace, self appreciation and the full use of all of their gifts and talents.This reclamation of the self takes place day by day in treating yourself with kindness and expecting respect from those around you. You can fulfill the promise of inner peace and security to yourself. Create a routine that works with strengthening your body, mind and psyche each day. Begin the day with a practice of meditation or solitude that is quiet and private. Doing gentle yoga is very calming and stretches the muscles and activates the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is calm and at ease. Learn to appreciate your own company. Spend time in Nature even it it is for a short time. Some people find great comfort with their pets. Journaling is a source of free expression that is creative and healing.  Learn to say "No" to those who would manipulate you, deceive you or make you feel small. Surround yourself with givers not takers.

You can heal from your NM. Keep the faith in yourself, do the work of healing each day and learn to feel entitled to use and enjoy all of your gifts and talents. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself  from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Deep Pain and Dilemmas Having Narcissistic Step Children n

There are some common mantras that I hear often: "We have a great family" or the other  "We have great kids can be insensitive and inappropriate to individuals who are enduring tremendous streas,traunas and family chaos. . These people are insensitive to other families and individuals who are having a very difficult life with traumas and tragedies. If said thoughtlessly, it is an in your face: "What's the matter with you?" remark that I find inappropriate.You can be very proud of your family and children  but always consider your audience. When someone shares his personal pain with you, it is time for everyone to step up and be empathic and respectful. This person is not asking the listener to make comments about his/her perfect life.  It is not time for this person to chirp about wonderful th Everyone who surrounds them  and  their  DNA. I find this disingenuous. and insensitive. How dare anyone have a very difficult marriage with a narcissistic scoundrel, a spouse that pilfers money out of malleable relatives, an in-law who causes psychological stress and horrid melodramatic scenes at every family gathering and disrupts every life he/she encounters. Many who live among us are hypocrites---intolerant, delusional, pretentious, cruel and vapid.

One of the most difficult family constellations is the husband and wife who have a blended family with biological children on each side.(Any parent who has a narcissistic child has suffered tremendously and needs understanding, respect and comfort.)  At the center of the psychological pain is the narcissistic son or daughter of the husband or wife. This circumstance can tear the family apart and destroy the marriage.The father or mother of the narcissistic child is often in denial about his son or daughter's true nature that is highly pathological. When the parent recognizes that his child is disrupting the family and their marriage it is time to make a decision about how much contact to have or not have with this child. Some narcissistic children set out to destroy the reputation of their parent's spouse. These spouses have expressed their severe pain over the manipulations, frontal and covert attacks upon them. They have cleverly lied to family members, spread rumors, created scandals out of whole cloth and done whatever they can to destroy the marriage. That's how deep their hatred goes. This is self hatred that the narcissist holds deep in his unconscious and is used to project on to and disrupt the lives of anyone of their way.

There is a time of reckoning that occurs. The wife or husband of the spouse who has the narcissistic child has come to the end of their tolerance. They have been verbally maligned too many times. In many cases when the marriage is strong the couple can speak truthfully about the narcissistic child. The parent of the narcissist comes to terms with the recognition that his child suffers from this personality disorder. I have seen this occur. It is difficult but necessary if there is to be any peace in the family or among the marital partners. In many cases there is a decision to have limited or no contact with the narcissistic child. I have great respect for these couples and parents. This is difficult work that requires truthfulness and compassion. In the end these individuals know they have made the right decision, one that allows them to move forward in their personal growth and the deepening of their relationship. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Healing after Divorcing a Narcissist--Self Care

Many ex-spouses of narcissists are so exhausted after their battle to get out of their marriage that they don't think about their own personal healing. Living so long with an abusive, ultra demanding, critical, self absorbed narcissistic spouse, the former partner is still living in the fight or flight mode. That has been this person's life as long as she/he was married to this classic personality disorder. The ex-spouse is accustomed to being screamed at, not being heard or understood and of course a complete lack of empathy.

One of the challenges of healing after the narcissist is to learn self care. If you have never practiced this throughout your life when you were growing up and then moving into a destructive relationship, it is difficult to realize that you deserve to be kind and protective of yourself in every way. As you adjust to finally having freedom from the narcissistic spouse there are a number of ways that you can practice self care.

Get a sufficient amount of sleep each night. The exact hours vary with each individual but learning to check in with your body will tell you the proper rhythm of your sleep/ wake cycles.

Eat balanced meals including protein, vegetables, good fats like avocados and nuts. Do not let your insulin levels spike up or plunge down by eating sugars or high fructose foods.

Learn to say "No" to people who are pressuring you because they are overpowering personalities. You have a right to make your own decisions about whom you will associate with and activities you will attend. Many of those married to narcissists have become accustomed to taking orders and being intimidated by a dominating personality. You no longer are in this situation.  Learn to appreciate your freedom in every way: your thoughts, visions of the future, your creative ideas, free expression of your feelings, time to be alone and enjoy your own company.

Many individuals are helped by setting up a daily routine of essentials that works for them. For example, starting in the morning with a quiet time for meditation, gentle yoga, listening to calming music, etc.
Developing an exercise program that you tailor to your needs to become stronger. Learn to go at your own pace. Appreciate how exercise makes you feel more grounded, calmer and clear minded.

Take time to be in Nature even if it for a short time. Listen to the birds, feed them if you want to, notice the night sky and appreciate its magnificent beauty, watch the movement of ever changing clouds, enjoy the company of animals. If you have a dog or cat, this can be a tremendously gratifying and healing part of your life. Our animal companions contribute immeasurably to our state of inner peace and our feeling of their unconditional love toward us. They teach us how to love more deeply and to experience each moment.

If it appeals to you, spontaneous writing or sketching is a source of freeing up the imagination and a great pleasure if done without editing or self criticism. 

Listening to music--our favorite kind puts away obsessive thoughts and carries us into new worlds that provide bursts of energy and inspiration. Appreciate your laughter and sense of humor and the freedom to express your silliest thoughts. This is a joyful experience. Don't miss it!

Learn to appreciate your original self, the person you were meant to be. As you become more familiar with this self you will know instinctively that you are grounded and feel more secure within. Here you will continue to grow and evolve in every facet of your inner and outer worlds. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses Can Make You Physically Ill

I want to add to the title here and say: "Narcissistic Spouses Can Make You Physically Ill If You Let Them" It can be very difficult to know if you are married to a narcissist. There are some individuals who see through this personality disorder but they are rare. They don't marry this person because they sense the red flags of extreme self entitlement, self absorption, bubbling rage and lack of empathy. Others are starry eyed going into the marriage and have been tricked by the narcissist's incredible charm and special promises to you that your life will change forever as his partner. As the years go by you begin to notice that your spouse is very demanding and creates a lot of stress within you. You have headaches, stomach aches, back aches. You look forward to the time that he/she is away from you so that you can take a deep breath without feeling his constant criticisms and intrusions. You feel the picking away at your self confidence. There is no place to go to have a moment of peace. Some partners are super screamers and go off at a moment's notice. It's one thing to hear babies crying; it's quite another to hear and watch a grown man throwing himself around and yelling at the top of his lungs almost every day or evening. Anything will set him off. Remember the narcissist is always enraged. It takes almost nothing to send these folks over the top and you into internal chaos.
You are the object of this daily stress that builds up day by day, year by year. You find that your body is tight, your digestion is effected and that you have trouble sleeping. You dread waking up to early morning tirades or late night blowups. 

Years of living with a narcissistic spouse can take a heavy toll on your physical health. Under these conditions you are constantly in a state of fight or flight--the sympathetic nervous system. Your adrenals become worn down and depleted and can go into adrenal exhaustion. Many spouse recipients of this abuse feel that they are to blame for this dreadful onslaught and it is their fault. That is not the case. You are married to a narcissistic personality, a serious character disorder that will not change. As long as you are with this person you will be the subject of continuous abuse.

Think about your physical, mental and psychological health and the value of your own life. You are not a possession of this person. You belong to yourself and deserve respect as a human being. Wake up to a sense of being entitled to some peace, comfort, your own unfiltered thoughts, creative ideas, quiet time uninterrupted. And always remember that your maintaining your physical health and strength is vital to you.
No one is allowed to make you feel sick---NO ONE!

Recognizing that they have been subject to narcissistic abuse that they do not deserve and will no longer tolerate, many spouses divorce the narcissistic husband or wife. This can be challenging but it well worth it. Many report back to me that they have felt secure, comfortable, without physical tension or pain for the first time in many years. They celebrate their freedom to be their original selves, to be spontaneous with those who appreciate them, to laugh out loud and feel joy, to show affection toward those they love without criticism, to express their feelings in freedom. You can change your life and restore your real self, the person who has been waiting to emerge and be re-born for many years. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com