Monday, February 20, 2012

Narcissistic Stepmothers---No Fairy Tale

There are extraordinary kind women who become stepparents. They do everything they can, not to take the place of the biological mother, but to help children to whom they are entrusted to develop, grow, feel secure and confident within their proper roles.

Here I am talking about narcissistic stepmothers. These women often plot their way into your father's life. They view him as an excellent "catch", someone whom they can control. They don't give a damn about his children. What they want is to take every narcissistic supply from this man and his family. They are so brazen---they may have been having an affair with the father for years before the divorce papers were finally signed. Never be surprised at the gall of a narcissistic stepmother. It is not unusual for them to demand an elaborate wedding even if they have been married several times before and are way beyond the blushing bride stage. Every detail of the wedding is expected to be perfect--no expense can be spared. After all---the narcissistic bridezilla will be on full display. This is her moment.

After the wedding it becomes very clear that the pecking order has changed. These stepmothers have a very short honeymoon period with their new step children. They may know how to smile convincingly but behind this fakery, there is the truth. This woman intends to take complete charge of her new husband and to devalue the relationship that he has with his kids. These women make up convincing lies about the children. They complain about not getting the respect they are entitled to from these children. They say: "Honey, what am I doing wrong? You're kids don't like me. They are rude. I don't know what to do?" The father is so entranced and deluded with his new wife that he believes her. The children are unjustly reprimanded. These narcissistic step mothers do everything they can to alienate the children. They insist on spending long weekends alone without the children. They don't participate in helping the kids with school in any way. When the husband asks about this, the wife says that the children didn't want her assistance. This merry-go-round of lies, deceptions and manipulations never stops. Some children get off of this wild, cruel ride by becoming invisible in the household, spending most of their time at friends' houses, the library, etc.

Many children of narcissistic stepmothers and weak fathers grow up to be incredible human beings. I am not discounting the psychological pain they have experienced and the hurt they feel about being abandoned by their fathers. Some find other relatives who act as surrogate parents and become sources of great support. The adult children are often highly empathic individuals who made the psychological separation from the narcissistic stepmother and father who was fused with her. Many benefit from psychotherapy. Others have creative gifts which are a source of comfort and strength. These gifts belong to them. No one can interfere with their individual talent and their inspirations. Some of these children reach out to others who have grown up in similar family constellations and help them heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

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