There are extraordinary kind women who become stepparents. They do everything they can, not to take the place of the biological mother, but to help children to whom they are entrusted to develop, grow, feel secure and confident within their proper roles.
Here I am talking about narcissistic stepmothers. These women often plot their way into your father's life. They view him as an excellent "catch", someone whom they can control. They don't give a damn about his children. What they want is to take every narcissistic supply from this man and his family. They are so brazen---they may have been having an affair with the father for years before the divorce papers were finally signed. Never be surprised at the gall of a narcissistic stepmother. It is not unusual for them to demand an elaborate wedding even if they have been married several times before and are way beyond the blushing bride stage. Every detail of the wedding is expected to be perfect--no expense can be spared. After all---the narcissistic bridezilla will be on full display. This is her moment.
After the wedding it becomes very clear that the pecking order has changed. These stepmothers have a very short honeymoon period with their new step children. They may know how to smile convincingly but behind this fakery, there is the truth. This woman intends to take complete charge of her new husband and to devalue the relationship that he has with his kids. These women make up convincing lies about the children. They complain about not getting the respect they are entitled to from these children. They say: "Honey, what am I doing wrong? You're kids don't like me. They are rude. I don't know what to do?" The father is so entranced and deluded with his new wife that he believes her. The children are unjustly reprimanded. These narcissistic step mothers do everything they can to alienate the children. They insist on spending long weekends alone without the children. They don't participate in helping the kids with school in any way. When the husband asks about this, the wife says that the children didn't want her assistance. This merry-go-round of lies, deceptions and manipulations never stops. Some children get off of this wild, cruel ride by becoming invisible in the household, spending most of their time at friends' houses, the library, etc.
Many children of narcissistic stepmothers and weak fathers grow up to be incredible human beings. I am not discounting the psychological pain they have experienced and the hurt they feel about being abandoned by their fathers. Some find other relatives who act as surrogate parents and become sources of great support. The adult children are often highly empathic individuals who made the psychological separation from the narcissistic stepmother and father who was fused with her. Many benefit from psychotherapy. Others have creative gifts which are a source of comfort and strength. These gifts belong to them. No one can interfere with their individual talent and their inspirations. Some of these children reach out to others who have grown up in similar family constellations and help them heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Showing posts with label narcissistic stepmothers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcissistic stepmothers. Show all posts
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Narcissistic Stepmothers--Taking Dad Away
There are innumerable stepmothers who are wonderful parents. They do the hard work of raising the children after an ugly divorce or a situation in which the biological mother abandoned the children.
I am speaking about the narcissistic stepmother who purposely plots her way into the heart and mind of a man who has minor children. These women are on the alert for a vulnerable man. If he is a widower, all the better. No ex-wife to get in her way. This is often the case if the man has considerable wealth. I call these gals--- One Bounce Women, meaning that the ink on the divorce papers is barely dry and they are presenting themselves as prospective playmates to these unsuspecting fellows. The narcissistic stepmother cleverly solidifies her powerful new role with the tried and true method ---Sex! First she is friendly and warm and very understanding of this man who is going through a tough ordeal. Next, she works her way into becoming his indispensable confidant. Add a generous measure of brilliant sexual moves to the mix and he's bagged.
Once the marriage is legally solidified, the stepmother breathes a luscious sigh. What next---dealing with the kids. Narcissists are gifted actors. When the marriage is new and everyone is on his/her good behavior, the stepmother displays a convincing devotion to his children. She is pleasant and courteous. She pretends to be interested in their social and school lives. Children under divorce circumstances are having a very difficult time adjusting to the fact that their parents are no longer married to one another. They may still feel shocked, confused and angry about this turn of events. When dad quickly remarries this adds to their psychological pain. Father is so carried away with his new love that his attention to the children flags. Kids pick up on his dismissiveness and distancing. They feel cheated and depressed. They've been replaced by a woman who is practically a stranger.
As the months and years pass by the stepmother's narcissistic attributes come fully to the surface. She is duplicitous in her dealings---warm, seductive, pseudo empathic with her husband and cold, critical and emotionally threatening to the children. She achieves this two faced role with great cunning. Because she has such a tight grip on her husband (As far as he is concerned his wife can do no wrong) the father will not believe his own children when they tell him they are being treated cruelly. The stepmother's psychological brainwashing on her spouse works like a charm. She continues to buttress her intimate relationship with this man. He's a keeper---too much equity there and a great lifestyle to let go of it now.
Children under these conditions are suffering horribly. Sometimes they band together for emotional support. Some kids spend less and less time at home. They are often at friends' houses where they feel welcome.
During the teenage years, it can get very derisive. Each time the dad sides with the stepmother, the child is left standing alone. In some cases children decide to live with the other parent and find a real home there. When no other parent is available, children leave the home early and make an effort to find their way solo or with friends. I have communication with adult children of narcissistic stepmothers who remember the ordeals they endured under her watch. They lost their childhoods and the deep caring and loving of a real father. Many of them still say that their narcissistic stepmother "took dad away" from them. Some of them go into psychotherapy to mourn the loss of the parent(s) and to deal with feelings of betrayal and abandonment.
The narcissistic stepmother has no pangs of conscience for alienating and in some instances destroying the relationship between the father and his children. She has won. When the children are grown, she will celebrate again. Some of these stepmothers repeat this pattern with more than one man. When the money is no longer forthcoming and she cannot fool her husband any longer, she moves ahead to find her next male trophy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
I am speaking about the narcissistic stepmother who purposely plots her way into the heart and mind of a man who has minor children. These women are on the alert for a vulnerable man. If he is a widower, all the better. No ex-wife to get in her way. This is often the case if the man has considerable wealth. I call these gals--- One Bounce Women, meaning that the ink on the divorce papers is barely dry and they are presenting themselves as prospective playmates to these unsuspecting fellows. The narcissistic stepmother cleverly solidifies her powerful new role with the tried and true method ---Sex! First she is friendly and warm and very understanding of this man who is going through a tough ordeal. Next, she works her way into becoming his indispensable confidant. Add a generous measure of brilliant sexual moves to the mix and he's bagged.
Once the marriage is legally solidified, the stepmother breathes a luscious sigh. What next---dealing with the kids. Narcissists are gifted actors. When the marriage is new and everyone is on his/her good behavior, the stepmother displays a convincing devotion to his children. She is pleasant and courteous. She pretends to be interested in their social and school lives. Children under divorce circumstances are having a very difficult time adjusting to the fact that their parents are no longer married to one another. They may still feel shocked, confused and angry about this turn of events. When dad quickly remarries this adds to their psychological pain. Father is so carried away with his new love that his attention to the children flags. Kids pick up on his dismissiveness and distancing. They feel cheated and depressed. They've been replaced by a woman who is practically a stranger.
As the months and years pass by the stepmother's narcissistic attributes come fully to the surface. She is duplicitous in her dealings---warm, seductive, pseudo empathic with her husband and cold, critical and emotionally threatening to the children. She achieves this two faced role with great cunning. Because she has such a tight grip on her husband (As far as he is concerned his wife can do no wrong) the father will not believe his own children when they tell him they are being treated cruelly. The stepmother's psychological brainwashing on her spouse works like a charm. She continues to buttress her intimate relationship with this man. He's a keeper---too much equity there and a great lifestyle to let go of it now.
Children under these conditions are suffering horribly. Sometimes they band together for emotional support. Some kids spend less and less time at home. They are often at friends' houses where they feel welcome.
During the teenage years, it can get very derisive. Each time the dad sides with the stepmother, the child is left standing alone. In some cases children decide to live with the other parent and find a real home there. When no other parent is available, children leave the home early and make an effort to find their way solo or with friends. I have communication with adult children of narcissistic stepmothers who remember the ordeals they endured under her watch. They lost their childhoods and the deep caring and loving of a real father. Many of them still say that their narcissistic stepmother "took dad away" from them. Some of them go into psychotherapy to mourn the loss of the parent(s) and to deal with feelings of betrayal and abandonment.
The narcissistic stepmother has no pangs of conscience for alienating and in some instances destroying the relationship between the father and his children. She has won. When the children are grown, she will celebrate again. Some of these stepmothers repeat this pattern with more than one man. When the money is no longer forthcoming and she cannot fool her husband any longer, she moves ahead to find her next male trophy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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