Saturday, June 2, 2012

Claim Your Own Life--Goodbye to Your Narcissistic Mother

Each person on the face of the earth deserves to claim and lead his/her own life. We have a mother who gave birth to us and we have her DNA.  But she doesn't own us for the rest of our lives whether she is now living or long past dead. Many children of narcissistic mothers carry the emotional pain of the childhoods and adulthoods along with them every day and for some every waking moment. It is difficult for most people to understand the depth and pervasiveness of this pain. It intrudes on the thoughts of the narcissistic mother's victims. It enters their dreams. It can affect their decision of a marital partner. (Some children of narcissistic mothers marry narcissists) It is a factor in blocking creativity. It hounds their thinking processes---Who was my mother? Did she want me? Why was she so cold? Why did she scare me? Why did mother not love me? What did I do to disappoint her? I wasn't good enough for her. What could have I done so she would have loved me? These questions haunt children of narcissistic mothers. We are with the narcissistic non-mother from the beginning. We are tiny infants and small children who have to survive. Some children sever the non-existent emotional bond very early and are able to use their own thought processes and psychological strength and temperament to separate out from this destructive parent. Others maintain the psychological contact with this toxic mother and obey and are compliant with her. This is the message to them of how to survive.

No matter how you survived there comes a time when you recognize that you must dis-identify from this non-mother. She is crowding out your internal life with yourself and intruding on your life decisions. There comes a time to say goodbye. This is different for each individual. Many children of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy. It is well worth taking the time to find a very good one. There are other ways to separate from the narcissistic mother. First, take good care of yourself: your physical health, your daily routines. If you think it would be healing for you, learn to practice simple yoga with the emphasis on the breath that open up the parasympathetic nervous system and deep relaxation. Meditation in the form that works for you can be very empowering. Writing spontaneously gives you a freedom to experience the thoughts, feelings and inspirations that are inside of you and have nothing to do with your parents of origin. Write in freedom without judgment. Having a caring reliable support system is a powerful way to make the separation from a chaotic narcissistic parent and childhood.

Pay close attention to your intuition as you heal from your narcissistic mother and always. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

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