Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Rage-Grief-Healing

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. From childhood they have had to contend with mothers who were cold, distracted, self-absorbed, coercive, dismissive, manipulative, highly critical and psychologically destructive. Many daughters of narcissistic mothers remain in denial about their mother's true nature. They blame themselves for manufactured short comings and flaws that were the product of the projections of a delusional narcissistic mother. These mothers live for themselves. They come in as many shapes and sizes and styles as there are plants on the planet. But when we look at the essential realities of their natures they are the same. Narcissistic mothers have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Their children are at their mercy and whim. Their daughters are a continuing source of narcissistic supply. If they are intelligent, have special talents, athletic abilities, are attractive---the narcissistic mother uses these qualities of her child to pump up her ego and grandiose image. The child doesn't matter to her---only the perfect performance that will impress those in her circle of social or professional influence. Narcissistic mothers test two daughters to see which one will be the standout. One will be favored over the other and this will become painfully obvious to the daughter who is not chosen. Often the narcissistic mother and the budding narcissistic daughter form a dark alliance designed to psychologically immobilize and even decimate the rejected child.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to contend with the multiple cruelties perpetrated by these mothers from hell. Rage is often the first reaction of the wounded daughter. She hates her mother. She is furious about this woman who was mother in name only and tried to destroy the life of her own child. Beneath the rage is a gnawing grief---a pervasive feeling of loss over what the daughter never had--a loving protective mother who accepted and nurtured her child as a separate individual with no strings attached.
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers find that working with a highly skilled psychotherapist helpful in working through the narcissistic mother rage and grief. Those inclined to go in this direction must make sure that they choose a therapist very wisely.There are excellent ones but it takes research and the full use of your intuition and powers of observation to pick the right therapist for you.

The next step is healing and wholeness. We are designed to be whole, complete, separate, thriving individuals. When you have worked through the rage and grieving, you discover that the deep authentic parts of you are there ready to be activated. This is a complex process. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers move in a spiritual direction (in the personal way that you define this). They develop a consistent meditation practice that works for them. Many practice gentle forms of yoga that put emphasis on the breath and calm the nervous system. Many do daily journaling and keep track of their dreams. Dreams are gifts of the unconscious that are given to us every night. Become familiar with this part of yourself---It is found gold.
The daughter of a narcissistic mother is very special-----She is a survivor, a beautiful human being who has survived the psychological gulags of childhood to emerge as a vibrant, loving, creative individual.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---You Deserve to Heal Sooner than Later

Each daughter of a narcissistic mother is unique. Her life experiences are specific to her but there are common psychological dilemmas daughters of narcissistic mothers share. As a small child she was never appreciated for herself as an individual. Even if she was the chosen one, the star of the family, this daughter was not allowed to be her real self. Some daughters of narcissists become narcissistic themselves. Most often this is  not the case. The daughters of these mothers suffer horribly under the cruel dictatorship of insensitive, demanding, cold mothers who impose themselves on their children.  Some daughters are used as scapegoats by the mother. This is one of the most painful and difficult roles for a young child. There is no peace or respite for these daughters. Many of them make themselves invisible and do everything they can to be out of mother's line of fire. There are daughter who spend their childhood and adulthoods  in sadness, confusion, anger and guilt. They feel invalidated by the narcissistic mother at every turn. The constant criticisms, put downs, demeaning comments and cruel manipulations reverberate deeply within them. Some daughters keep returning to the mother for love which she is incapable of giving. 

The goal of each daughter of a narcissistic mother is to reclaim her life----a life that was commandeered by a woman who is not a real mother. In some cases the daughter was able to obtain comfort and acceptance from the father, a grandmother, aunt or a family friend.

One of the first steps to healing is recognizing that mother is a narcissistic personality disorder that will not change. Another part of the  process is grieving over the mother that you didn't have. You are a special human being,not a possession of a woman who has no understanding or empathy. This is a difficult step and old pain comes to the surface. Being able to deal with the loss and the recognition by the daughter that she is a valuable separate person in her own right. This represents a great movement toward individuation and personal freedom.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are helped by quality psychotherapy with a clinician who has clinical expertise on the narcissistic personality disorder. The nest step is a transition of turning around how the daughter experiences herself. This begins with her understanding that she shares her mother's DNA but not her characterlogical attributes. As time moves forward these daughters discover and develop their unique creative gifts. This movement toward creativity is essential in making a clear break as a separate person who deserves to feel whole and independent. Many healing modalities are effective in moving in this direction. One pathway is through practices like gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. When we breathe through a pose we are enlivened and calmed at the same time. Yoga can be done on any level. It is highly adaptable to the individual. Another regular routine is developing your own meditation practice. Meditation is a personal activity. Learning to be at peace with yourself is invaluable to healing. Discovering your own expression of creativity is invaluable in redefining yourself. Some daughters discover that journaling and writing regularly is a freeing experience that allows them to express and appreciate what is deep inside and needs to be treasured. Some daughters discover that helping other women who have been victimized by these mothers is part of their healing. It is time now to reach out for the life that you deserve. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---Begin Your Healing Now

Daughters of narcissistic mothers learn early that something vital is missing from their lives. They may live in a household that appears to be normal. Everything is organized. The children are fed and kept safe. But where is the affection and warmth that they need so desperately from their mother. That is the missing piece that causes such horrible distress to each daughter of a narcissistic mother. In some instances the father is able to compensate for the mother's lack of understanding and empathy. He is warm; he listens; he keeps his promises. He plays with his children and listens to them. Some daughters have aunts who take on the role of mother or even a grandmother or grandfather. There are some daughters who have to depend on themselves. Some of these children know very early that they must fend for themselves and they do this with great courage. This takes place against the barrage of criticisms, sarcastic remarks and dismissiveness  of the narcissistic non-mother. These daughters become intellectually independent very young. Despite all of their efforts and accomplishments, the narcissistic mother wound is still there.

Adult daughters long to heal. In communications with some of these brave women I hear that they have taken their own pathway. Some have benefited from quality psychotherapy. Others find inner peace and a sense of belonging in a consistent practice of meditation. They discover that as the mind is quieted they get in touch with the deep inner loving part of themselves and feel their own warmth and compassion. This is a powerful process that transcends who we had as a mother or father. As meditation deepens as a practice it can become a pathway toward deep inner healing. Gentle hatha yoga is an excellent companion practice with meditation. Here the emphasis is on the breath. Focusing on the breath in the moment as each pose is done, quiets the nervous system, focuses the mind and gets you in touch with that serene vibration of love within you. This is who you really are. Embrace yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Widely distributed
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com