Reclaiming Your Identity from Your Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic mothers steal the true identities of their children. Completely self absorbed, selfish, cold, cruel and dismissive of their child, the narcissistic mother demands that everything in your life revolves around her. You only exist in her mind as an object that she can use to pump up her ego or a receptacle of her out of control rage or both. She is incapable of nurturing or cherishing her child. She cannot soothe them when they feel hurt or afraid. Some narcissistic mothers are always angry. I hear many of these stories from children of narcissistic mothers, saying that all they can remember was her out of control rage at them and their spouse. The minute she walked in the door her kids went into hiding. She screamed through the house, demanding that they do her bidding--cleaning, waiting on her, cooking--doing every chore under the sun. Even little children at three years of age were expected to be her servants. The older ones raised the younger kids while mother lounged with her friends or went out shopping for long periods of time or they were even left over night to fend for themselves while she was out on dates with her boyfriends. In other cases, a series of men came in and out of the house to party with mother. There were numerous drunken scenes that her children were exposed to that caused them great fear and trepidation.

Narcissistic mothers never apologize for the psychological and emotional harm that they inflict on their children. Instead they blame them---even for being born. "I wish I never had you." "You cause me nothing but trouble." "You are to blame for all of my problems." "I should have given you away."

As an adult child of a narcissistic mother you have suffered from this psychological burden you have carried. But that does not have to be your identity. You can begin to heal by never blaming yourself for what your mother did to you or for her withholding love (that she never had inside of her).

Acknowledge that you are innocent and that you have survived this difficult family history. Give yourself a lot of credit for this huge accomplishment. Children of narcissistic mothers need to learn Self Care. By this I mean taking time each day to do some activities and practices that will calm your nervous system and give you a feeling of peace inside. These include some form of mindfulness. This can be meditation in a way that works for you. Listening to guided meditation through cds or other methods focuses your attention on the parasympathetic nervous system where you experience peace and calmness. Meditation can be very short. Try to be consistent so that it becomes a habit. Make it pleasant for yourself. Some people like to sit outside and listen to the birds, the wind, the changes in temperatures, natural sounds. Let your mind go free; don't make judgments. Another healing activity is gentle hatha yoga where the emphasis is on breathing through the nose. You focus on easy poses and use the breath to stay in the moment. Some people find classes helpful; others use a cd or other method and practice on their own. Be open to finding individuals who can support your original identity, the real you. Use your intuition to find those whom you can trust.
Pay attention to the basics: eat healthy unprocessed food, get healing sleep, rest when you need to and exercise in a form that works for you.

Your original self is always there beside you and has been waiting since your birth to be acknowledged. Pay attention to the source of wisdom--the voice of your intuition. It is always speaking softly to you with kindness and truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Narcissist's Outrageous Self Entitlement

"The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).  The narcissistic ego is so vast it cannot be measured. The narcissist must always keep his/her ego inflated at all times. He is always collecting narcissistic supplies in the form of adulation, praise even adoration from others. The narcissist feels completely entitled to disrupt and in some cases destroy the lives of others so that his needs and desires are met. Along with the extreme self entitlement is an unrelenting ruthlessness. If you are between a narcissist and his goal, even if you are his spouse or child---be prepared for this person to overrun you to get to where he deserves to be. The narcissist looks down on everyone and exploits people all of his life. For many narcissists life is all about money and power. Getting more and giving less is his motto. With his children, the narcissist is a dreadful parent. He or she may choose one standout child that is attractive, gifted and extroverted to become his clone. This is the prized one; the other children are treated like unpaid help. They don't exist except to serve the narcissist.

The narcissist thinks nothing about a real marriage. He doesn't have a marriage; it is a business deal. What's in it for me? Many narcissists, male and female, purposely marry someone who is on their way up professionally or who comes from a family of wealth or who are (in the case of narcissistic women) decades older than they are and can be used to extract money and a great lifestyle out of their partner. Meanwhile they lead a secret life or several secret lives. This is thrilling to the narcissist who is living on the edge of great excitement. He or she is wanted by so many. This is proof of his perfection and greatness.

If you have a narcissistic spouse and recognize these personality characteristics along with a complete lack of empathy, exploitation, humiliations, ruthlessness, cruel controlling behaviors toward you, there are several directions you can take. Some spouses stay in the "relationship" because they feel secure in the material lifestyle and are afraid to be on their own. Others choose to sever the marriage and get a divorce and re-start their lives. Many have done this and report that after the difficulty of their divorce, they have made consistent l steps toward turning their lives around. They are growing their creative gifts, making their decisions freely, determining their future. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Healing for Life

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have one of the most difficult life routes of all. Many of them were never wanted; they were psychologically abandoned; some were regularly beaten. They always felt their mother's secret and often un-secret loathing of them. Narcissistic mothers are often very envious of their daughters. They hate the child they have produced who is more intelligent, attractive, likeable, creative than they.  These mothers often keep the father from having any meaningful interactions with their fathers. Cruel, cold, hateful, secretive, malicious---these non-mothers tell lies about their daughters in their efforts to have the father estrange himself from his own daughter. In some cases this works and the father is seduced into believing these living vipers.
Most people will never understand what you have endured. They cannot conceive of someone so malevolent. Will----THEY ARE MALEVOLENT!

You have survived the extreme abuse of a narcissistic mother. You are entitled to heal. Don't think in terms of how much time it will take. This must become an essential in your life. This begins with the people you bring into your daily life and those to whom you say "no" because they are toxic narcissists. You don't want to put yourself in this kind of jeopardy ever again. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are drawn toward charming narcissists, are seduced by them, marry them and repeat their destructive childhood pattern of abuse.

Let inner peace, creativity, loving relationships be your guide. List the essentials for your life each day. Some of these can be----quality sleep, exercise that you enjoy, gentle yoga or some form of movement that involves using the breath to put you in a relaxation zone. Some find that journaling--writing spontaneously brings a release, relief and a healing. Let yourself cry and grieve over the mother you didn't have. Some of these daughters find that quality psychotherapy helps them to work through the painful feelings of having had a narcissistic mother. Make sure that the therapist is empathic, understands the narcissistic personality, is clinically well qualified and of course, is not a narcissist. You might be surprised about how many therapists are narcissistic and are operating by the money incentive.Spend time with Nature, even if you live in an urban environment. Being in the presence of Nature is a great healer. Write a list of activities that you have longed to do. Surround yourself with a few people who care deeply about your welfare and are available to you always.
Trust your intuition---it is a lifetime guide and companion. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com