Sunday, March 24, 2013

Reclaiming Your Identity from Your Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic mothers steal the true identities of their children. Completely self absorbed, selfish, cold, cruel and dismissive of their child, the narcissistic mother demands that everything in your life revolves around her. You only exist in her mind as an object that she can use to pump up her ego or a receptacle of her out of control rage or both. She is incapable of nurturing or cherishing her child. She cannot soothe them when they feel hurt or afraid. Some narcissistic mothers are always angry. I hear many of these stories from children of narcissistic mothers, saying that all they can remember was her out of control rage at them and their spouse. The minute she walked in the door her kids went into hiding. She screamed through the house, demanding that they do her bidding--cleaning, waiting on her, cooking--doing every chore under the sun. Even little children at three years of age were expected to be her servants. The older ones raised the younger kids while mother lounged with her friends or went out shopping for long periods of time or they were even left over night to fend for themselves while she was out on dates with her boyfriends. In other cases, a series of men came in and out of the house to party with mother. There were numerous drunken scenes that her children were exposed to that caused them great fear and trepidation.

Narcissistic mothers never apologize for the psychological and emotional harm that they inflict on their children. Instead they blame them---even for being born. "I wish I never had you." "You cause me nothing but trouble." "You are to blame for all of my problems." "I should have given you away."

As an adult child of a narcissistic mother you have suffered from this psychological burden you have carried. But that does not have to be your identity. You can begin to heal by never blaming yourself for what your mother did to you or for her withholding love (that she never had inside of her).

Acknowledge that you are innocent and that you have survived this difficult family history. Give yourself a lot of credit for this huge accomplishment. Children of narcissistic mothers need to learn Self Care. By this I mean taking time each day to do some activities and practices that will calm your nervous system and give you a feeling of peace inside. These include some form of mindfulness. This can be meditation in a way that works for you. Listening to guided meditation through cds or other methods focuses your attention on the parasympathetic nervous system where you experience peace and calmness. Meditation can be very short. Try to be consistent so that it becomes a habit. Make it pleasant for yourself. Some people like to sit outside and listen to the birds, the wind, the changes in temperatures, natural sounds. Let your mind go free; don't make judgments. Another healing activity is gentle hatha yoga where the emphasis is on breathing through the nose. You focus on easy poses and use the breath to stay in the moment. Some people find classes helpful; others use a cd or other method and practice on their own. Be open to finding individuals who can support your original identity, the real you. Use your intuition to find those whom you can trust.
Pay attention to the basics: eat healthy unprocessed food, get healing sleep, rest when you need to and exercise in a form that works for you.

Your original self is always there beside you and has been waiting since your birth to be acknowledged. Pay attention to the source of wisdom--the voice of your intuition. It is always speaking softly to you with kindness and truth. Visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

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