Freeing Yourself from Your Narcissistic Mother

Even if you have long severed your relationship with your narcissistic mother, there can be residues of feelings that remain.Some children of narcissistic mothers after many years of estrangement, still believe that they can renew their relationship with mother and that this time it will be different. They tell themselves that in the passing years, mother has mellowed, softened. She may even be capable of insight. She could even say that she is "sorry." Many of these children with whom I have had contact find that the narcissistic mother has not changed. She is still blaming her son or daughter for everything that doesn't work perfectly for her. She accuses these children of abandoning her, when for many decades, from early childhood on, she has made her sons and daughters lives, unbearable. She has been unrelenting in her criticisms, venomous projections, cruel betrayals, pitting one child against the other, insisting that her child must follow a specific profession that will bring honor and prestige to the family. These children are not allowed to choose their own personal destinies. The narcissistic mother is the ultimate controller. Some of these mothers choose partners and career paths for their sons and daughters. Children in the family who show an independence of mind are  are hounded and criticized. The narcissist child in the family, the individual who moves synchronistically to mother's choreography, is venerated like a member of royalty in the family. Mother cannot stop obsessively praising this child, openly comparing him/her with the other children.  

After all of the psychological pain of not having a mother who is genuinely capable of love find ways to heal themselves through quality psychotherapy and a number of modalities including meditation, hatha yoga, tai chi, etc. Many find support groups of other individuals who have suffered from having a narcissistic mother. Some find comfort and peace through learning how to still the mind through meditation, practicing yoga, tai chi, qi gong and other healing practices. The process of individuation--becoming a resourceful whole separate human being is lifelong. We are always a work in progress--- bringing intellectual curiosity to our activities, developing mental and spiritual steadiness, working with our unique creativity and reaching out to others who will be comforted by our kindness and receptivity to them.  Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Creating Narcissist Free Zones

When we live in a narcissistic society it is essential that we create spaces in our minds, imaginations, our emotional reservoir and physical space that resonate with steadiness, creativity and peace. Learning to cultivate solitude is an essential aspect of living that so many have lost or never discovered. We have a right and a need to be alone and to enjoy our own company. For some, it's like a baby duck racing to the waters edge without prompting from mother. A little wobbly at first---this tiny fluff of living beauty is soon gliding to the rhythm of the river. For others, being alone and feeling secure in one's own company needs to be learned. Taken in small doses at first, without judgment and doing it your own way, individuals discover that the capacity to be alone provides us with immense gifts of the imagination, reverie, fantasies, tales that spin in the mind, reminiscences of the past---sweet and poignant.

Those who live with narcissists are faced with a special challenge. If you are the child of a narcissist, you vividly recall the intrusiveness of the narcissistic parent or the absence of this individual from your life. Those married to narcissists have the great task of keeping their psychological and emotional boundaries intact despite the demands, delusions and manipulations of their partners. Some spouses decide that they will remain married for a variety of reasons and develop and screen off an essential part of themselves they do not share with the narcissistic partner. This is a very tall order since the narcissist is a supreme controller and insists on dictating how everyone else lives---even to the point of monitoring thinking processes. Some of those who remain with narcissistic spouses find peace in spiritual practices, trusted friendships, creative endeavors and driven focus on their professions lives.

For many spouses the decision is to lead a life that is free of a narcissist by divorcing this individual. I have communicated with many former spouses who have re-created their lives after an ugly divorce and now live in narcissist free zones. These individuals feel that they have another chance---a new cycle has begun and they are energized and hopeful. They are unfettered, live in mental and emotional spaciousness, breathe deeply and feel a steady secure sense of well being.

Sometimes, we are faced with narcissists in our daily lives with whom we do business or are required to meet with socially as part of our professions. We use our social skills and treat people appropriately.

Ultimately, in personal relationships, we do the choosing. If we are observing and intuiting that the person who wants to meet with us socially is a narcissist, we can tactfully back away from forming a relationship with this person. Most narcissists announce their presence with all flags flying. Some are the covert type and take more observation and study. Your intuition will tip you off every time if you learn to respect and pay attention to it.

As you create narcissist free zones, you will learn to deepen your periods of solitude and the enjoyment of your own company. In addition, you are making room for authentic relationships that expand your sense of self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com