Down is up and up is down when you grow up in a narcissistic family. It sounds simple but it's very complex and painful. Most people cannot understand how intolerable it is to grow up with a golden boy/girl narcissist who is allowed to treat his siblings with constant acts of cruelty with impunity. Being the young sibling of one of these holy terrors is particularly horrific. The parent(s) of these siblings from hell is often narcissistic and therefore incapable of empathy or forming any real attachment or warmth for any of his/children. In some cases the narcissistic sibling intimidates the parents so successfully that they sing to his tune. He is a despotic ruler of the household. In other instances the narcissistic mother/father colludes with the golden one and the two of them create an atmosphere of ongoing apprehension and fear in the home. This is not a home but a place of imprisonment for the non-narcissistic siblings. The narcissistic child perpetrates physical, psychological and emotional abuse on his siblings. Often he/she chooses the child who is the most sensitive and vulnerable on which to project his rage. The scapegoated child is cornered and threatened with even greater harm if he tells any adult about the abuse. In some cases the narcissistic parent and the favored child join in a campaign of terrorizing the targeted child (children).
In these highly pathological families, reality is turned on its head. Everything about the child growing up in these family constellations is delusional. Some scapegoated children don't realize for many years the depth of what they have endured and survived. Decades later some of these adult children are still suffering from some of the effects of this horrendous cruelty and treachery.
There are incredible survival stories of those who walk the tightrope (without a net) in these narcissistic families with narcissistic siblings. Their stories are both painful and inspiring. I have found that despite all of the abuse they have endured, they are empathic human beings, sensitive to the needs of others.
As you recognize that you grew up with a tyrannical narcissistic sibling, appreciate that you kept yourself whole and kind. That is a tremendous achievement. You will continue to heal as you become receptive to individuation---the process of moving toward a solid, deeper sense of self. Be kind to yourself, recognize your value, practice techniques of calming body, mind and psyche (yoga, meditation, walking meditation, restorative yoga, journaling, etc) Leave the critic inside of you behind. Move forward consciously step by step, appreciating each moment that you are now free of your family history and that the horizon in front of you is filled with the inner peace, calmness and compassion for self and others that you have always deserved. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Narcissists-Thickets of Lies
By the age of three a primitive conscience has begun to develop in the young child. The pathway this takes depends on the parents' psychological attachment to the child, what the child is taught by example and through direct communication. At age eight or nine the conscience has developed considerably. The child can distinguish between right and wrong, possesses a sense of empathy for others or doesn't.
Narcissists spend their lives lying in one form or another. Narcissistic children often emulate their narcissistic parent(s).Parents are models of behavior---good or bad, cruel or kind, truthful or untruthful. When a small child sees his parent tricking others and manipulating them through lies, it can become part of his psyche. The child watches his parent getting what he wants. Having it in your hand is the only thing that matters, not how you got it.
There are children of narcissists who observe from the time they are very young that what their mother or father was doing wrong. They have access deep within themselves---a moral compass, the ability to make fine discriminations between what is right, wrong, kind or cruel. I have been in communication with individuals who were in touch enough with themselves to understand that their parents were immoral, unethical and criminal.
When you marry a narcissist, conscience is not included in the package. Most spouses don't recognize this vital part is missing in this person until they have been living with him/her for a while. Some partners make continual excuses for the the narcissist's moral deficiencies.Narcissists lie every season of the year, night and day, to strangers, business associates, to friends, relatives, their children. Narcissists take lying to a new level, winding nimbly through the morass of lies they manufacture in split seconds. Narcissists tell a freshly manufactured story to different people within their circle. They create elaborate lies that work to maintain the relationship with a spouse whom they are choosing to keep for the moment. They may tell different lies to each of their children, depending on what they are expecting of them. If they favor one child above the rest, they pump this daughter or son with delusions of grandeur while demoralizing, demeaning and humiliating children who don't make the cut from their perspective. They lie to wives, lies of omission about their mistresses and girlfriends. They lie to mistresses, telling them they will soon be signing the final divorce papers. Narcissists lie to business partners as they they make their power moves. They know precisely how to use the "right words" to damage the professional reputations of those whom they have called colleague for decades.
Some narcissists get caught in the thickets of this dark malevolence--too few, unfortunately. Most glide smoothly away, their "fine character" and professional capital neatly intact. This shows how gifted they are at the lying craft. The current narcissistic style, a valuable currency within today's society assists them every time. This is especially the case if they are high level narcissists who are well connected to the power and economic sources within the culture.
Protect yourself from the narcissist's lies and subterfuges. Study the narcissistic personality in detail, learning about all of tricks, games, ruses and acts in their vast personal armory. Take time to appreciate and understand who you are as a unique individual. This work can be done in a variety of ways: good psychotherapy, meditation practice, gentle yoga, restorative yoga, journaling thoughts, feelings, dreams, memories, fantasies, etc. Above all, be receptive to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth to you and tells you everything you need to know about others, especially those from whom you need psychological protection.
Intuition leads us to our creativity and to the calmness and peace of the spirit in the way that you define this for yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissists spend their lives lying in one form or another. Narcissistic children often emulate their narcissistic parent(s).Parents are models of behavior---good or bad, cruel or kind, truthful or untruthful. When a small child sees his parent tricking others and manipulating them through lies, it can become part of his psyche. The child watches his parent getting what he wants. Having it in your hand is the only thing that matters, not how you got it.
There are children of narcissists who observe from the time they are very young that what their mother or father was doing wrong. They have access deep within themselves---a moral compass, the ability to make fine discriminations between what is right, wrong, kind or cruel. I have been in communication with individuals who were in touch enough with themselves to understand that their parents were immoral, unethical and criminal.
When you marry a narcissist, conscience is not included in the package. Most spouses don't recognize this vital part is missing in this person until they have been living with him/her for a while. Some partners make continual excuses for the the narcissist's moral deficiencies.Narcissists lie every season of the year, night and day, to strangers, business associates, to friends, relatives, their children. Narcissists take lying to a new level, winding nimbly through the morass of lies they manufacture in split seconds. Narcissists tell a freshly manufactured story to different people within their circle. They create elaborate lies that work to maintain the relationship with a spouse whom they are choosing to keep for the moment. They may tell different lies to each of their children, depending on what they are expecting of them. If they favor one child above the rest, they pump this daughter or son with delusions of grandeur while demoralizing, demeaning and humiliating children who don't make the cut from their perspective. They lie to wives, lies of omission about their mistresses and girlfriends. They lie to mistresses, telling them they will soon be signing the final divorce papers. Narcissists lie to business partners as they they make their power moves. They know precisely how to use the "right words" to damage the professional reputations of those whom they have called colleague for decades.
Some narcissists get caught in the thickets of this dark malevolence--too few, unfortunately. Most glide smoothly away, their "fine character" and professional capital neatly intact. This shows how gifted they are at the lying craft. The current narcissistic style, a valuable currency within today's society assists them every time. This is especially the case if they are high level narcissists who are well connected to the power and economic sources within the culture.
Protect yourself from the narcissist's lies and subterfuges. Study the narcissistic personality in detail, learning about all of tricks, games, ruses and acts in their vast personal armory. Take time to appreciate and understand who you are as a unique individual. This work can be done in a variety of ways: good psychotherapy, meditation practice, gentle yoga, restorative yoga, journaling thoughts, feelings, dreams, memories, fantasies, etc. Above all, be receptive to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth to you and tells you everything you need to know about others, especially those from whom you need psychological protection.
Intuition leads us to our creativity and to the calmness and peace of the spirit in the way that you define this for yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Children of Narcissists-Innocent Victims
If we could have picked our parents we wouldn't have chosen a narcissist as a mother or father. Narcissists cannot feel, care, have conscience or empathy for another human being, even a small child. They are capable of putting on a tremendous polished act but it is falls flat in the truth department. Some narcissistic parents choose a stand out child who is very attractive, bright, gifted in music, dance, art, etc to be the chosen one in the family. The narcissistic mother or father will mold this son or daughter in his image. This child is treated differently from the others, is given great adulation, no limits on consideration to others and special treatment by the narcissistic parent. In other families the narcissistic parent treats all of the children in a dismissive manner. They are a bother to him/her. They are living puppets who are trotted out for company or who fill the family picture with forced smiling faces. I have known of a narcissistic parent who had a special wing built on his home for the children. Like a king at court they were tucked away in a separate abode and brought into his presence only when they could be used as narcissistic supplies to demonstrate to friends and others that he was a devoted father.
In some egregious cases, the narcissist fixates on battling over the children during the divorce process. He/she doesn't give a damn about them and has never contributed to caring for them psychologically or emotionally but is caught up in the fight for ego purposes. This is one of the most painful experiences the non-narcissistic parent can experience for her children. I hear from spouses and ex-spouses who are going through this intolerable ordeal. It can be protracted; it is excruciating for the parent who truly loves the children.
We only need one good parent or parent substitute. Some individuals grow up all alone with only bare bones food and primitive shelter. No one pays any attention to them. They have never heard the voice of someone who loves them call their name. They have never felt safe and relaxed---even for one moment. They are scapegoats in the earliest years of grammar school and beyond. They live in a jungle of predatory human creatures.
A grandmother, aunt, a family friend can make all the difference in a child's solid psychological foundation. If mother is the non-narcissistic parent, most of the burden is on her to provide a consistently loving, secure, predictable environment for her children. Some spouses are left financially vulnerable after the divorce. In some cases the narcissistic ex-husband makes life excruciating by insisting that he is a good father. Custody battles can be extended and this is very painful for the children and the responsible parent. In this crucial situation the non-narcissistic spouse does her best. She begins by keeping the welfare of her children upper most in her mind. In addition, it is essential that she has a strong sense of entitlement of her rights to live in an environment of peace and emotional well being. These courageous women and men are motivated by a strong unwavering love for their children. This is evident in the way they mother and father them each day. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
We only need one good parent or parent substitute. Some individuals grow up all alone with only bare bones food and primitive shelter. No one pays any attention to them. They have never heard the voice of someone who loves them call their name. They have never felt safe and relaxed---even for one moment. They are scapegoats in the earliest years of grammar school and beyond. They live in a jungle of predatory human creatures.
A grandmother, aunt, a family friend can make all the difference in a child's solid psychological foundation. If mother is the non-narcissistic parent, most of the burden is on her to provide a consistently loving, secure, predictable environment for her children. Some spouses are left financially vulnerable after the divorce. In some cases the narcissistic ex-husband makes life excruciating by insisting that he is a good father. Custody battles can be extended and this is very painful for the children and the responsible parent. In this crucial situation the non-narcissistic spouse does her best. She begins by keeping the welfare of her children upper most in her mind. In addition, it is essential that she has a strong sense of entitlement of her rights to live in an environment of peace and emotional well being. These courageous women and men are motivated by a strong unwavering love for their children. This is evident in the way they mother and father them each day. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Narcissists-Treating Others as Disposable Objects
When you meet a narcissist who fixates on you with fascination you feel like the most important person on the face of the earth. That's how good they are with a masterful act. Narcissists remind me of brilliant performance artists--quick change artists who change from one costume into another faster than the eye can see--illusionists. A German/Armenian duo, Sos and Victoria hold the Guinness Book of Records for this feat: 16 costume changes in 120 seconds.
When you are out of favor with the narcissist you go from:
Indispensable to Disposable
Perfect to Putrid
Beautiful to Repulsive
Bright to Dull
Charming and Magnetic to Thankless Witch (B----)
The narcissist becomes restless again for narcissistic supplies. He has found another partner---your replacement. He will perform a new act to a fan filled audience----They say: "Come to the Cabaret!" This is an illusion. The pain is not. It is very real. When narcissists discard people it can and will go beyond tolerable limits. They don't care whom they hurt or the extenuation of your suffering. They have neither conscience nor shame.
It is up to you to learn to identify in exquisite detail the narcissistic personality so you can recognize one very quickly and remove yourself from their psychologically toxicity. Assert yourself. Recognize and resonate with your own unique value.Renew yourself through a practice of meditation, gentle yoga, restorative yoga and modalities that will quiet and calm the mind, body and psyche. Learn about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
When you are out of favor with the narcissist you go from:
Indispensable to Disposable
Perfect to Putrid
Beautiful to Repulsive
Bright to Dull
Charming and Magnetic to Thankless Witch (B----)
The narcissist becomes restless again for narcissistic supplies. He has found another partner---your replacement. He will perform a new act to a fan filled audience----They say: "Come to the Cabaret!" This is an illusion. The pain is not. It is very real. When narcissists discard people it can and will go beyond tolerable limits. They don't care whom they hurt or the extenuation of your suffering. They have neither conscience nor shame.
It is up to you to learn to identify in exquisite detail the narcissistic personality so you can recognize one very quickly and remove yourself from their psychologically toxicity. Assert yourself. Recognize and resonate with your own unique value.Renew yourself through a practice of meditation, gentle yoga, restorative yoga and modalities that will quiet and calm the mind, body and psyche. Learn about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Monday, February 21, 2011
Stop Engaging the Narcissist
During the divorce process in particular it is important to stop any direct engagement or contact with the narcissistic spouse if at all possible. The more you make contact with this individual the greater your pain, anger, depression, regret and a whole host of feelings that will cause you pain. If the soon to be ex is texting and calling and emailing you and gets one response out of the fifteen he or she had made, this tells the narcissist that it takes fifteen tries to get you activated. Individuals in communication with me speak of how difficult it is to go no contact. After weeks of sticking with this plan, they will call or email or text the narcissist. They feel regretful about this but say they could not control themselves. This is understandable especially when a breakup is very painful. Make every effort, especially if you are in the process of seeking a divorce to abide by the no contact behavior. You can communicate through your attorney. This way you remain out of the ugly drama and twisted lies and covert machinations of the narcissist's psyche. You need to clear the mental and psychological decks inside of you, to focus on your next steps toward freedom and the strong growing edge within you that makes you unique, independent and open to the creative possibilities of your life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Repetitive Narcissistic Exploitation
Exploitation is the narcissist's middle name. They are always using others, especially spouses, ex-spouses, children and other family members to get their needs met not yours. Narcissists don't care,are not interested and are closed off to your needs. They are over-entitled and have no hesitation about making demands from you constantly. This puts their spouses and children in continual emergency red button mode. Every moment is a fire drill. We become emotionally depleted and in some cases physically ill. Take care of yourself . Set boundaries with the narcissist and be consistent. He or she will step over these lines, cajole you into letting them have their way, intimidate and humiliate you. Don't give in. Keep your emotional, psychological and physical distance(if possible) from the narcissist. Being in their presence is poisoning to you emotionally and psychologically. If you must be in touch with them, learn to detach from them by not over-reacting to their lies and the dramas that follow if they don't get what they want. Let them put up a fuss like a baby in a high chair throwing his peas all over the floor. Don't let their tantrums and threats overrun you. Stay steady through a practice of stillness, relaxation techniques, gentle yoga and meditation.
I have seen narcissists repeat their exploitive schemes. They are counting on wearing you down, getting you off center, making you lose your temper, on giving in. You can outlast the narcissist by remaining centered and grounded in your own values and destiny and having a support system. You have a separate life to which you are entitled. Give them no ground, no screams or snarling, no smirk and when appropriate no contact. Their goal is to engage and enrage and get you to lose control of yourself ; this spells weakness to them and the right time to pounce. You can continue to develop mastery over yourself. Work at your physical, mental and psychological health each day---it is a priority especially in counterbalancing the narcissist's repeated exploitive attempts.
Give yourself credit for how you are handling this very difficult and at times impossible person. Take refuge within yourself, among your friends, in the solitude and beauty of nature and through your spiritual practice in the way that you define it. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
I have seen narcissists repeat their exploitive schemes. They are counting on wearing you down, getting you off center, making you lose your temper, on giving in. You can outlast the narcissist by remaining centered and grounded in your own values and destiny and having a support system. You have a separate life to which you are entitled. Give them no ground, no screams or snarling, no smirk and when appropriate no contact. Their goal is to engage and enrage and get you to lose control of yourself ; this spells weakness to them and the right time to pounce. You can continue to develop mastery over yourself. Work at your physical, mental and psychological health each day---it is a priority especially in counterbalancing the narcissist's repeated exploitive attempts.
Give yourself credit for how you are handling this very difficult and at times impossible person. Take refuge within yourself, among your friends, in the solitude and beauty of nature and through your spiritual practice in the way that you define it. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Narcissistic Spouses-Psychological Torture
There are innumerable forms of torture. When we think of torture our imaginations create mental pictures of extreme, prolonged physical abuse--flogging, beating, stoning, whipping, sleep deprivation. In recent studies of adult victims of torture the results show: "Degrading treatment and psychological manipulation cause as much emotional suffering and long-term mental damage as physical torture."
Many spouses of narcissists experience psychological, mental and emotional abuse that can be described as torture. These inhumane forms of treatment are unrelenting and long lasting. Constant barrages of volcanic rage, sadistic criticisms and humiliations can break the spouse down, creating a person who feels helpless and hopeless. Some of these individuals don't know how they will survive through another moment and others feel the pull to give up completely. The victim of narcissistic torture is a prisoner even if he or she lives in a mansion and leads a heady lifestyle. It is in the privacy of the inner walls of home and mind that the constant assaults on the self take place. Friends, relatives and acquaintances often believe that this is a perfect couple. They have everything and are high achievers. The external image is stunning in its perfection. Beneath this surface is pure hellish terror that lives inside the abused spouse. Never underestimate the lengths a narcissist will go to undermine and attempt to destroy a marital partner.
I have been in communication with spouses who were psychologically tortured for years and finally escaped their captor. The first step is recognizing the severity of what is being done to you, knowing that you absolutely do not deserve this treatment and that you can and will find ways to escape the narcissist and re-capture and reclaim your life. Good psychotherapy provides the opportunity for a strong steady therapeutic alliance that is an essential zone of safety for the client. There are support groups that help victims to recognize that they are not alone and have different life options. Work on building your spiritual foundation through a regular practice. This can take the form of meditation, prayer, gentle yoga. Your intuition is a life companion. Call upon this great gift often and it will strengthen and steady your entire life. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Many spouses of narcissists experience psychological, mental and emotional abuse that can be described as torture. These inhumane forms of treatment are unrelenting and long lasting. Constant barrages of volcanic rage, sadistic criticisms and humiliations can break the spouse down, creating a person who feels helpless and hopeless. Some of these individuals don't know how they will survive through another moment and others feel the pull to give up completely. The victim of narcissistic torture is a prisoner even if he or she lives in a mansion and leads a heady lifestyle. It is in the privacy of the inner walls of home and mind that the constant assaults on the self take place. Friends, relatives and acquaintances often believe that this is a perfect couple. They have everything and are high achievers. The external image is stunning in its perfection. Beneath this surface is pure hellish terror that lives inside the abused spouse. Never underestimate the lengths a narcissist will go to undermine and attempt to destroy a marital partner.
I have been in communication with spouses who were psychologically tortured for years and finally escaped their captor. The first step is recognizing the severity of what is being done to you, knowing that you absolutely do not deserve this treatment and that you can and will find ways to escape the narcissist and re-capture and reclaim your life. Good psychotherapy provides the opportunity for a strong steady therapeutic alliance that is an essential zone of safety for the client. There are support groups that help victims to recognize that they are not alone and have different life options. Work on building your spiritual foundation through a regular practice. This can take the form of meditation, prayer, gentle yoga. Your intuition is a life companion. Call upon this great gift often and it will strengthen and steady your entire life. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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