Living in the Shadow of A Narcissistic Sibling

The battles of childhood continue through adulthood in the narcissistic family.If mother or father is a narcissist or the two of them are a dynamic duo, there is hell to pay if you haven't been chosen as their royal son or daughter.

I communicate with many siblings of narcissistic brothers and sisters who made every effort to do their best at school, obey the rules at home and to be respectful to their parents. None of this mattered. If you got straight A's and you weren't the golden child, narcissistic mother wouldn't pay any attention to your accomplishment. With a wave of her hand she was off to another subject of greater importance to her. Often the non-narcissistic child bends over backwards to be especially thoughtful to the narcissistic parent. In response the parent is even more demanding and if you perform all of your duties perfectly, it is still not enough. The narcissistic parent constantly throws cruel projections on to these victimized children. There is a complete distortion of reality with narcissists. A child living under these conditions feels in constant emotional peril. He/she is living in the dark shadow of cruel, even monstrous human being. If other children in the family are budding narcissists, there is a collusion that goes on among them that makes life impossible forachild who is doing his best. The emotional pain of being constantly criticized and in some ways treated sadistically is more than one can bear. Many of these children  suffer severe stress reactions, even PTSD as a result of this horrendous child abuse.

The narcissistically abused child does the best she/he can to survive and often leave the family home as soon as possible. Many of these courageous children depart the home early, find other relatives who believe their stories of abuse. Others spend a lot of time in the homes of friends to find some area of peace. Children who prevail who come out of the shadow of their narcissistic sibling(s) and/or narcissistic parent are extraordinary human beings. They use their motivation to become more independent, to find healthy role models, to further their educations and to carve out a life for themselves. I have been in communication with many adult children raised with narcissistic siblings who have re-created their lives. They have been through a long process of healing that sometimes involves quality psychotherapy, close relationships with people who support them, establishing healing practices of meditation, gentle yoga, qi gong and other modalities that restore wholeness on every level. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Siblings Can Sabotage Your Life

Are you the the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling---that golden child that was picked early to be the king, queen, emperor of the household. For many it started very early. The narcissistic mother or father focused on one child who seemed to have it all: good looks, a sharp mind, athletic skills, artistic talent, a winning personality--whatever it was that made this child a standout for the narcissist. Mother and/or father ignored the other children or treated them with punishments, disdain, humiliation and all kinds of cruel behavior. They were the inferiors in the family. In some cases the grandparents chime in and get in line with the parents. The narcissistic household is a war zone. It is pure hell to live in this so-called home. It doesn't get better when you grow up. The sabotage continues and for some becomes impossible. There is so much pain inflicted that some people cannot tolerate it. Some scapegoated children are haunted by their narcissistic siblings well into adulthood.

The best way to deal with narcissistic siblings is to become independent and strong yourself. Learn how to detach yourself from these destructive human beings. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Give yourself credit for surviving this very difficult narcissistic family constellation. Be kind and supportive of yourself and find friends whom you can trust. And above all, honor yourself as you look forward to a life of creativity, productivity and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Siblings-Turning Their Families Upside Down

Down is up and up is down when you grow up in a narcissistic family. It sounds simple but it's very complex and painful. Most people cannot understand how intolerable it is to grow up with a golden boy/girl narcissist who is allowed to treat his siblings with constant acts of cruelty with impunity. Being the young sibling of one of these holy terrors is particularly horrific. The parent(s) of these siblings from hell is often narcissistic and therefore incapable of empathy or forming any real attachment or warmth for any of his/children. In some cases the narcissistic sibling intimidates the parents so successfully that they sing to his tune. He is a despotic ruler of the household. In other instances the narcissistic mother/father colludes with the golden one and the two of them create an atmosphere of ongoing apprehension and fear in the home. This is not a home but a place of imprisonment for the non-narcissistic siblings. The narcissistic child perpetrates physical, psychological and emotional abuse on his siblings. Often he/she chooses the child who is the most sensitive and vulnerable on which to project his rage. The scapegoated child is cornered and threatened with even greater harm if he tells any adult about the abuse. In some cases the narcissistic parent and the favored child join in a campaign of terrorizing the targeted child (children).

In these highly pathological families, reality is turned on its head. Everything about the child growing up in these family constellations is delusional. Some scapegoated children don't realize for many years the depth of what they have endured and survived. Decades later some of these adult children are still suffering from some of the effects of this horrendous cruelty and treachery.

There are incredible survival stories of those who walk the tightrope (without a net) in these narcissistic families with narcissistic siblings. Their stories are both painful and inspiring. I have found that despite all of the abuse they have endured, they are empathic human beings, sensitive to the needs of others.

As you recognize that you grew up with a tyrannical narcissistic sibling, appreciate that you kept yourself whole and kind. That is a tremendous achievement. You will continue to heal as you become receptive to  individuation---the process of moving toward a solid, deeper sense of self. Be kind to yourself, recognize your value, practice techniques of calming body, mind and psyche (yoga, meditation, walking meditation, restorative yoga, journaling, etc) Leave the critic inside of you behind. Move forward consciously step by step, appreciating each moment that you are now free of your family history and that the horizon in front of you is filled with the inner peace, calmness and compassion for self and others that you have always deserved. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissistic Older Sister Queen Bees

In many families some children get away with everything. They have a kind of power, a magnetic almost magic ability to control their parents. Other siblings are treated differently. They must tow the line or else. Or they are dismissed and neglected. They never get any attention unless it is negative. This emotional and psychological inequality is flagrant in narcissistic families.

If  mother is the narcissistic matriarch, she may be inclined to choose a daughter to act as a mirror of her perfection. Sometimes it is the eldest daughter if she makes the cut--meaning she must be very attractive, even beautiful, extroverted and highly confident, bright and full of herself. Mother hand picks this child and molds her into a perfect replica of herself. The two of them are inseparable. The narcissistic mother continually praises the older daughter and belittles the other children to the point of telling them outright that they are inferior. "What can't you be more like ------? She's the one I am proud of. She's beautiful, popular, gets all A's. What's the matter with you?" Day by day and year by year this mother is hand crafting a narcissistic personality disorder like herself or even worse. As the budding narcissistic daughter grows she becomes the "holy terror" of the household. She is purposely cruel to her siblings. She makes up lies about them so that they are punished. She scares them constantly because she has become sadistic and obsessed with controlling others. The narcisssitic mother is always on her favorite daughter's side. She can do no wrong. There is no one to defend any of the siblings since often the father has abandoned the family psychologically and stays in the marriage for image purposes alone. The matriarch keeps her husband to protect her lifestyle.

I have heard life stories of children raised with a narcissistic older sister that are hair raising. Vignettes in which the sister and her friends put siblings in closets for hours, held them down and spat on them, threatened them physically and even worse are too common. The non-narcissistic siblings were too terrified to speak a word about this torture.  They suffered unrelenting cruelty. They had no where to go for rescue. They simply had to keep quiet to survive.

The Queen Bee Older Narcissistic Sister goes on to the best university, marries a man from the right family with all the finest connections. They move forward to have perfect children---some of whom will be molded into another narcissistic generation.

The non-narcissistic siblings are left on their own to fend for their own educations. They go to school and work many hours a week just to survive. The narcissistic mother is happy to get rid of her "inferior children."
She only speaks to her friends about her Queen Bee Daughters.

Children who survive this psychological gulag experience tremendous emotional pain. Many have learned to deep freeze their emotions to cope. It is wise for them to sever contact with the narcissistic mother and her queen bee daughter. They are venomous. To this narcissistic duo, they represent a shameful embarrassment. They are poor relations at best. Some siblings find that alcohol and drugs ease their pain for the moment and go down this treacherous rode. Others marry and re-marry or go from one abusive relationship to the next.


Others survive and through skillful psychotherapy, the use of their mental and creative gifts and their spiritual journey, find ways to reclaim their authentic selves. It isn't easy going ---there are many bumps, ruts and detours. I have heard victorious stories of those who will not give up. They grow, deepen and expand as human beings, always learning that they can continue this endless process of becoming authentic, steady and strong. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Sociopathic Narcissists-Relentlessly Cruel

In a current society that accepts pathological narcissism as a norm in many circles, you wonder where there is a limit to the cruelties perpetrated on spouses, ex-spouses and family members. There is a continuum in pathological narcissism. Some narcissists are worse than others in the profoundly devastating effect they have on others. Every narcissist is strictly out for himself/herself and there is absolutely no empathy within them. They are all ruthless and self absorbed. But there is a group of these individuals who are committed to devastate the lives of others, especially those close to them: siblings, children, spouses. There are sociopathic narcissists who will not be satisfied until their "enemy" is completed vanquished---emotionally, psychologically, financially. They seek revenge, not for what has been done to them, but what they perceive in a highly deluded way, what has been done to them. Narcissists are never wrong--they are incapable of mistakes because they truly believe that they are perfect. They are capable of persuading even intelligent people that they are the good guy and their victim is the culprit. With the use of a fake charm, dynamism, sexual wiles, they fool most individuals. A sociopathic narcissist will tear you to shreds psychologically until you've got their number.

Never underestimate the extremes of the cruelties and treacheries---They don't care a damn about the damage that they create even on small children or helpless individuals.

Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder--study hard and understand these individuals like the back of your hand.

If you think they are finished hurting you, think again. The best thing that can happen to some people is to be discarded by a narcissist. This way they are out of your life and you can begin to recover.

Sociopathic narcissists provide us with opportunities to be tough, steady and consistent. We must use all of our mental discipline in dealing with them.

Use your intuition---that quiet voice that always speaks the truth---to guide your words and actions.

Keep yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong (in the way that you understand this concept.)

Know that you will succeed. You survived your childhood. You can prevail now.

Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Siblings-Secret Cruelties-Hair Raising Terrors

The psychological pain that can lead to post traumatic stress suffered by those who grow up with narcissistic siblings is often overlooked. No one will talk about it. If the mother is a narcissist and raising a golden boy or girl or one of each her focus is on the molding a perfect clone of herself.  This child is a living gift to the parent(s) and the world. Day by day golden children are never corrected for their misdeeds, lack of conscience or physical and verbal abuse. "Mother always made excuses for my sister, no matter how mean she was to me and the other children." "There were so many scary ways my sister threatened me. She used to lock me in the closet when mom wasn't home---sometimes for hours because I refused to respond to one of her demands."  "My older sister knew I was petrified of the dark. At night she turned off all the lights in my room and would come in and make animal noises and taunt me. She knelt beside my bed and whispered in my ear: "if you make a sound I'll come back in the middle of the night and scare you to death." This imposition of terror by the narcissistic child is not uncommon in these families. The narcissistic parent either ignores or writes off the non-narcissistic children. They are treated like inanimate objects or the continuous target of verbal abuse, humiliations, false acquisitions, name calling  and shaming. The narcissistic mother may even join forces and lead the cruel bombardments and threats. This behavior is highly sadistic and many victims of narcissistic sibling abuse suffer from psychological trauma years after these cruelties are perpetrated. The more chronic and violent the verbal and physical abuse is the greater the chance of the scapegoated child for development of post traumatic stress. Very  young defenseless children are more inclined to be severely traumatized by persistent sibling bullying. These terrors are perpetrated in secrecy which makes their aftereffects long lasting and deeply etched on the growing psyche.

Those who are recovering from the cruelties and personal transgressions of narcissistic siblings, often learn that they must sever their relationship with these toxic individuals. In many cases this means ending contact with the narcissistic parent as well. Some victims work with and heal their psychological wounds in psychotherapy. Others process their traumas through a combination of modalities: meditation, yoga, journaling, prayer, support groups. Never underestimate the emotional and psychological damage a narcissistic sibling can perpetrate upon his/her brother or sister. Know that you can heal by learning about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder and recognizing that you are a valuable separate human being who has unique gifts, talents and intrinsic value just the way you are. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Narcissists Cause Siblings Psychological Pain

Narcissists are masterful actors. If they are high level and are particularly gifted at playing the part of a decent if not superior human being, they fool the best of us, even psychotherapists. Often they flatter mental health professionals in the most clever ways and sway their judgment. That's how clever they can be. This is all image, the outward posturing, the role of a lifetime that the narcissist plays in the public arena. In the privacy of home and especially from those who grew up with narcissistic family members the story is totally different. 

The sibling of a narcissistic brother or sister has a very painful experience throughout his/her growing years. In some instances this child is surrounded by a narcissistic parent(s) and more than one narcissistic brother or sister. Living with a narcissistic siblings can be an ongoing nightmare for a young child. Some narcissistic parents pick favorites and always take the side of the chosen one whether he is right or wrong. Some parents join the budding narcissist in taunting, bullying and terrorizing the scapegoated child. These children are always in a state of apprehension and anxiety. Many of them spend long periods of time hiding in their rooms or staying with friends whenever possible.  The scapegoated child in these families feels that he has no allies in those who are supposed to protect and love him. Children react differently to this level of abuse Some are super survivors and find creative ways to use their gifts, maintain their sense of self, make friends despite their families. Other children, those who are very sensitive in particular, are dispirited by their family circumstances and think of themselves as prisoners within their own homes. Some siblings band together to protect themselves from the narcissistic sibling.  

After everyone is grown within these pathological families, the cruelty and treachery does not stop. Grownup narcissistic siblings continue to demean, criticize and humiliate their siblings. Now as adults they still pick away at every opportunity at their siblings. They use every opportunity to display their superiority and the sibling's inferiority.

The sibling of a narcissist can make the decision to do the best he or she can do in dealing with this cruel human being whom he calls brother or sister. He can learn to detach himself emotionally from the narcissist, not overreact to all of the narcissist's projections and know that this family member is highly disturbed. In other instances, the non-narcissistic sibling decides to sever the relationship (which never existed)  to protect himself/herself from ongoing abuse and torrents of cruelties. In some instances some siblings find that quality psychotherapy helps them to deal with this process. Many turn to trusted friends and other family members and learn that they can recreate their lives with individuals who deeply care about them and accept and appreciate their authenticity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com