Spouses Married to Narcissists---Step out of the Misery Role

There are many material perks to being married to a narcissist who is successful in his/her career. There is the image that you were chosen by this accomplished, bright, socially skilled person to be his partner. Many spouses are swept into this role. Eventually the dazzle and bling for many begins to fade and the person married to the narcissist recognizes the down side of this pseudo relationship. As you live with this person you recognize that he has a dark side that is selfish, cruel, cold, calculating, vindictive, exploitive, deceptive.  Many non-narcissistic spouses decide by default that they must live in misery with this individual. Some of them have grown up in narcissistic families as scapegoats and targets of chronic verbal abuse. They spent their childhoods being criticized, demeaned, humiliated and projected upon. They were blamed for things they never did. A narcissistic brother or sister was always able to convince the narcissistic parent that the victim was the perpetrator. Children growing up in this family constellation feel helpless, frightened and that they are unworthy of leading a happy life. They are always anticipating misery since that is what they known from the beginning. It is not unusual for these individuals to repeat the childhood pattern by marrying a narcissist.And the nightmare begins anew. The abuse is horrendous but familiar to them. They expected to be treated cruelly and dismissively. That is what they know. 

In many cases the non-narcissistic spouse wakes up and realizes that she/he has been play the part of the victim all of her life. She begins to feel that she deserves so much more: inner peace, affection, being understood and cherished, growth of her creative gifts. Eventually these victims discover that they are married to narcissistic personalities who are not going to change. But they are---They become more independent, begin to appreciate their individuality, participate in good psychotherapy and join support groups. They finally recognize that they are worth it---a valuable unique individual and step out of the Misery Role. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself  from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists: Martyrs in Sackcloth---Endless Pity Parties

Covert narcissists are so clever that they fool most people. They are like skilled double agents, trained to the highest level. They present themselves as humble, self-effacing and lacking entitlement. They praise you excessively, telling your how attractive you are, how much you have accomplished. They admire you--"I could never have achieved what you have done. You are talented and brilliant and beautiful besides." These comments roll out of their mouths like watching your streaming breath on a cold winter night. They put you on the highest pedestal. They have never met anyone like you. They feel so lucky and are in awe.  Many women lap this up because the level of acting is high. Covert narcissists have their scripts down to every gesture and word nuance. They know when you are at your most vulnerable and take advantage with perfect timing.

If you become involved with a covert narcissist and something goes wrong--he/she is not getting everything he wants, he will play the martyr in sackcloth role. "I have given you myself unconditionally and look how you have hurt me. I can't take this kind of abuse." You might as well reverse these words because it is the covert narcissist who has eclipsed your life, made outrageous demands, who constantly lies, breaks promises and humiliates you. And then there is the pseudo self pity. "I thought my life had changed when I met you. You make things so hard for me. You are so demanding I can't stand it. You married me to get ahold of my money and leave me for someone else" There are too many pity parties to count. Some spouses and partners of covert narcissists feel guilty and believe that this person is the victim and that they must do everything they can (even if it disrupts their life horribly) to soothe and give in to the covert narcissist's bottomless "needs." These "needs" mean constant worship and adulation, jumping the minute he makes irrational demands, believing his chronic lies, returning for more verbal abuse, allowing him to exhaust your psychological and sometimes financial resources.

Take the time to learn how to quickly recognize the covert narcissist and to keep him out of your life. If he/she is part of your life now and you realize who this person really is, seriously think about severing this relationship. Take care of yourself first---the covert narcissist is only watching out for himself despite his sackcloth and ashes and endless pity parties. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

One Narcissist Causes Pain to an Entire Family

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. Everyone surrounded by the narcissist's destructive traits---chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage---is highly aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do not care who you are--a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, even a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel. Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. "Oh that's just the way he is---a perfectionist." But he is so bright and accomplished--cut him some slack." Really----I don't think so when this person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don't care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he wields, or the size of his material largess.

We are at a time right now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven---yes they move ahead trampling on everyone else. This is despicable behavior and will not be tolerated. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this one highly disturbed person has caused. Become fully aware of the nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. Listen to those who have suffered under its iron boot and merciless treatment. If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 turn away and sever the relationship. I know this can be difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change. The quality of your life--psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual--is invaluable. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Predatory Narcissists---Stop Feeling Sorry for Them

When a narcissist has come a hair's breath from destroying your life psychologically and emotionally, the focus must be on you and your welfare. Yes, it is tragic that most narcissists as children were conditioned to become cold, fraudulent false selves without empathy or conscience. But we must think about the incredible number of people they harm throughout their lives. One narcissists can emotionally endanger hundreds of individuals in very short order. First they don't have a conscience that slows us down.We think about the consequences to others before we act. We make every effort not to hurt others.
The narcissist leaves people discarded, alone, psychologically injured, emotionally desperate and immobilized without a twinge of conscience. While you spend you nights staring at the ceiling with your guts roiling and your mind torturing you, the narcissist is fast asleep. He doesn't have a conscience---his only concern is about getting caught. 

Narcissists are predatory---they know when we are vulnerable and will be receptive to their wiles, baits and seductions. Their timing is impeccable--they are so cunning. When all else fails they play on your empathy and use every trick to pull you back into their delusional life. They want to possess you and control you. Many women get caught up in this self destructive cycle that can become a life pattern.

Learn everything you can about the true predatory nature of the narcissists in all of his masks, using every trick in the the book and more. You will recognize what he is doing---tricking you to fuse with him again--sending you off on a detour that interrupts your life. The narcissist is unconcerned about what his intrusions are doing to you. He is a demanding, petulant child who knows exactly what he wants right now and will not be denied.
Trust your true self and honor it. You have been through a difficult life passage. You are entitled to lead a life where you are the author. Your destiny is to continue to evolve, to use all of your creative gifts, to give and receive love and to help yourself and others to find inner peace. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don't Wait for Your Narcissistic Spouse to Change

The narcissistic personality is fixed and impervious to change. Many of those who are on the receiving end of these "relationships" keep holding out the hope that if they fulfill the narcissist's demands and wishes, he or she will change their controlling, abusive behavior.

Time after time the injured spouse goes to therapy to re-do herself, to learn to become more patient and understanding. In some cases if the spouse goes to the wrong therapist, she will be pressured to believe that the problem is within the client's psyche. Some therapists assume that people who come to them are responsible for the problems in the marital relationship. They ask: "What are you doing that is irritating your husband?" "How can you be more understanding?" "Why don't you learn how to give a little?" Fortunately there are many excellent clinical professionals who are keenly aware of the psychological sabotage that the narcissistic spouse projects on his partner. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful and enlightening to the spouse who is considering leaving the marriage. The client comes face to face with the fact that he/she is married to a narcissistic personality disorder who is not going to change. She/he gets the message that the failed marriage is not all her fault. It is not possible to have a genuine marital union with a narcissist.

Narcissists are conditioned not born to this psychopathology. As small children they are taught directly or indirectly that it is perfectly fine to believe that your are superior to others, that you can manipulate and exploit anyone who is an obstacle to your goal, that a perfect image trumps substance, that being ruthless and careless with the feelings of others is essential to success. Empathy and developing a conscience is not part of the budding narcissist's vocabulary. They are given free reign to trample over others to win. Winning for the narcissist is everything. This parental influence becomes deeply embedded in the psychic structure of the growing narcissist. This disorder is highly fixed and rigid and disinclined to change.

If you are involved with a narcissistic partner or married to one, know that this individual will not change, ever. Stop making yourself sick over their constant  spewing of toxic projections, their put downs, their verbal sabotage, their putrid secrets, their explotive deeds.

Take your life in your hands. Create a support group you can count on. It can be one person with whom you can communicate. Think carefully about your own welfare for a change. Learn to appreciate all of your creative gifts. Embrace the beauty of your individuality. You deserve to lead a full rich life on your terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my websitethenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Stepmothers---No Fairy Tale

There are extraordinary kind women who become stepparents. They do everything they can, not to take the place of the biological mother, but to help children to whom they are entrusted to develop, grow, feel secure and confident within their proper roles.

Here I am talking about narcissistic stepmothers. These women often plot their way into your father's life. They view him as an excellent "catch", someone whom they can control. They don't give a damn about his children. What they want is to take every narcissistic supply from this man and his family. They are so brazen---they may have been having an affair with the father for years before the divorce papers were finally signed. Never be surprised at the gall of a narcissistic stepmother. It is not unusual for them to demand an elaborate wedding even if they have been married several times before and are way beyond the blushing bride stage. Every detail of the wedding is expected to be perfect--no expense can be spared. After all---the narcissistic bridezilla will be on full display. This is her moment.

After the wedding it becomes very clear that the pecking order has changed. These stepmothers have a very short honeymoon period with their new step children. They may know how to smile convincingly but behind this fakery, there is the truth. This woman intends to take complete charge of her new husband and to devalue the relationship that he has with his kids. These women make up convincing lies about the children. They complain about not getting the respect they are entitled to from these children. They say: "Honey, what am I doing wrong? You're kids don't like me. They are rude. I don't know what to do?" The father is so entranced and deluded with his new wife that he believes her. The children are unjustly reprimanded. These narcissistic step mothers do everything they can to alienate the children. They insist on spending long weekends alone without the children. They don't participate in helping the kids with school in any way. When the husband asks about this, the wife says that the children didn't want her assistance. This merry-go-round of lies, deceptions and manipulations never stops. Some children get off of this wild, cruel ride by becoming invisible in the household, spending most of their time at friends' houses, the library, etc.

Many children of narcissistic stepmothers and weak fathers grow up to be incredible human beings. I am not discounting the psychological pain they have experienced and the hurt they feel about being abandoned by their fathers. Some find other relatives who act as surrogate parents and become sources of great support. The adult children are often highly empathic individuals who made the psychological separation from the narcissistic stepmother and father who was fused with her. Many benefit from psychotherapy. Others have creative gifts which are a source of comfort and strength. These gifts belong to them. No one can interfere with their individual talent and their inspirations. Some of these children reach out to others who have grown up in similar family constellations and help them heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Toxic Narcissistic Couples---Sever these Relationships

When two high level narcissists become a couple and join forces they increase their power among those who are vulnerable to their many seductions. Narcissists don't have relationships---they make deals that will create lucrative connections. They plot their rise to power. They have no mental limitations to their goals. They don't have the burden of conscience or compassion to slow down their progress. Their "show" always goes on despite the psychological pain, angst, even emotional collapse they have caused family members, including their own children. They don't carry within them the empathy, which would take up their valuable time. They have perfected a pseudo empathy which is believable. They use this act successfully with those in their inner circle from whom they extract more narcissistic supplies.

Many narcissistic power couples hate one another's guts. Behind closed door they battle and bruise one another. When it's show time, they put on the elaborate makeup and costumes of their irresistible personas. They are masterful at interacting with people who will be highly impressed with them, to the point of becoming followers and members of their many social/business circles.

Learn to identify narcissistic couples quickly. Protect yourself from their allure and empty promises. Sever these pseudo relationships. They are psychologically toxic. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife..com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com