Children of Narcissists Learning to Heal

One of the most difficult roles in life is to be the child of a narcissistic parent or parents. From the beginning this child is living with parents who have an agenda. Narcissistic parents have many styles of dealing with their children. Often one narcissistic parent will choose a child whom she perceives as a perfect reflection of herself/himself. This child is groomed from infancy to be the special one. He/she is revered over the other children in the family and given free rein. The narcissistic parent is creating a living narcissistic supply for himself/herself. The blooming narcissist is allowed to wrest control over all of his siblings, treating them with cruelty and constant intimidation. Even when the children are grown the narcissistic golden child continues to create chaos and dread within the family. Adult children of narcissists continue to suffer from their pathological families.

At some point there are adult children of the narcissistic family who decide that they must assert themselves and heal from their narcissistic parents and other family members. The recognize that they are individuals first who are entitled to lead their own lives without the constraints and tyrannical control of narcissistic family members. They learn to establish clear psychological boundaries between themselves and narcissistic family members. Another step is in their own individual healing. One of the essentials in this process is learning how to quiet the mind. This can be a form of meditation that works for you. Meditations takes many forms. It can be a sitting meditation, walking meditation, sitting quietly outside listening to the sounds of nature, listening to soothing music, chanting,  Find the form that works for you. The essential factor here is consistency. The amount of time you spend doesn't matter as much as your making this time of solitude a habit. Another factor is your attitude toward yourself: Do not be judgmental---There is no such thing as a bad meditation. You are making the effort and that is what matters. Exercising, moving your body is all part of the healing process. Choose a form of exercise that you enjoy or that you can tolerate. Not everyone loves to exercise. I can tell you that the payoffs are tremendous. Some people discover that gentle hatha yoga with its emphasis on breathing through the nose, quiets the nervous system and that gentle poses keep the muscles supple and the body systems stimulated but relaxed. For many, spontaneous writing each day is part of their healing process. Take some time for yourself to write down your thoughts, feelings, fantasies, reveries--whatever is on your mind. You will find this to be a surprising exercise. When you face the page you never know what insights, observations or gifts will be coming through to you. This process is self powering. The writing flows through you. It is not coming from narcissistic parents; it belongs to you. It is your special voice, your creation and your voice. We are always moving toward wholeness and healing. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouse--- Destroying Your Immune System

Stress is one of the major factors in becoming physically ill. When a person is highly stressed their cortisol levels rise and their immune system can become compromised. Narcissistic spouses are stress machines. They scream, lie, manipulate, demean, humiliate and play every trick they have to maintain control over you and your life. It is remarkable to me and very sad that so many spouses are living under these extreme burden of psychological and emotional duress for years, even decades. I hear from women and men who feel trapped by their sharing their lives with narcissistic partners. Many of them keep thinking that this person who has a severe personality disorder is going to change----eventually. That day will never come. In the meantime, the non-narcissistic spouse is being harmed on every level by these highly pathological individuals. The non-narcissistic spouse tries everything to make the marriage work, including couples therapy. Couples therapy in general does not work with narcissists. They may appear to cooperate to pacify their partner but they are being disingenuous. The narcissist may want to stay married and still play the field because he/she doesn't want to split up the assets at this time.

You can turn yourself inside out, make yourself over, heed the narcissist's demands and it will never be enough. The narcissist is a highly deluded person. It doesn't matter if he is the most successful person you have met or has a close following of admirers, he is a selfish, venal, cruel and non-compassionate person.

It is time to turn to your own welfare: your physical health, emotional and psychological well being. We are in charge of our health. Even many doctors these days who go by the new book of throwing prescriptions at patients rather than going to the cause of symptoms can't be trusted. One of the lessons of life is that we must take charge of ourselves on every level. We cannot expect even the best spouse to do it for us. We can research, consult with those who are very knowledgeable but ultimately it is up to us to make the right decisions for ourselves.

Being married to a narcissist and allowing the venom that he ejects to become embedded in your will raise your stress levels exponentially. You deserve to be healthy and strong. And part of this wellness is the strength of your immune system to fight off illness. I have been in communication with many spouses who have become physically ill as a result of overwhelming stress that they internalized that compromised their immune systems.

First and foremost---Think about yourself first--the narcissist should be very low on your list or not there at all. He has tried everything to make your life a living hell. You don't need to take this anymore. Have a plan of action to keep yourself healthy. Learn to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. In many cases you make the decision to sever the relationship. Narcissists don't have relationships; they are incapable of psychological or emotional intimacy.

Take heart as you walk away from the narcissistic delusion. You have insight into your inner self and all of your creative gifts and energies. You are entitled to live without the constant stress that is emblematic of life with the narcissist. You have come to a fork in the road. Choose the pathway that works for you. You will find the right direction based on your research, thinking and your deep intuition. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Steer Clear of Narcissistic Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Narcissistic sabotage is operating at all times. It becomes particularly ugly during the Holidays--that time of special "family reunions." There are countless horror stories of non-narcissistic family members being subjected to the toxic projections of a narcissistic parent, sibling, in-law, cousin, child, ex-spouse,  etc. At a time of celebration and gratefulness one would think that narcissists would be able to let festivities go smoothly. Absolutely not. Remember, narcissists are operating twenty four hours a day. No time off for vacations. Be ready for oncoming fire before it begins. First, you know a lot about these impossible individuals---they are self absorbed, deceitful, manipulative, controlling, completely lack empathy, exploitive, sadistic.

Never be surprised at how outrageous they can become and GET AWAY WITH IT! So many family members give them a complete pass. Some of the reason for this is intimidation. Often it can be favoritism, especially if we are speaking of golden children. They are allowed to run roughshod over everyone  They make the cruelest remarks. Other family members either pretend that they don't smell these poison pellets or say to themselves: "There goes dad (mom, sister, brother) again." That seems to wipe out the egregious behavior for everyone, except you. You know exactly what is going on. It is despicable.

Here are some guidelines that will help you get through the narrow passageways of holidays with narcissistic relatives:
First: Renew your mental notes about the true nature of the narcissistic personality disorder and never forget that these people NEVER CHANGE.
Second: Don't expect that other family members will come to your assistance if they make an offensive remark to you. Use your own self assertion by calling them out civilly and not overreacting.
Third: Keep your physical distance from them and don't go one on one in conversation---that's the time when a nasty attack is bound to occur.  
Fourth: If the malevolent cruelties are increasing and you are the target of constant onslaughts, remember that you can leave the party. Some people will say: "Don't create a scene." That's what the narcissist is counting on---for you to stand there quietly, taking in the noxious fumes of their highly disturbed psyches. You have free will. Use it.

You deserve to have a wonderful holiday season and days of peace, creativity and freedom of thought and feeling every day. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 

Identifying and Dealing with Over the Top Narcissistic Mother-in-law

Many mother-in-laws are kind, compassionate wonderful human beings. I am talking specifically about mother-in-laws who have narcissistic personality disorder. An overbearing narcissistic matriarch can wreak havoc in every aspect of your childrens', daughters-in-law, sons-in-law and grandchildren lives. Narcissists are above all very controlling. Very clear psychological boundaries must be created in dealing with these individuals. They may dramatize, lie, try to sabotage members of her family who don't go along with her iron will. What you don't want to do is overreact to these individuals. Also is essential is recognizing how tyrannical and relentless these individuals can be.  Be clear through your actions that you respect yourself. If the matriarch gets out of line, clearly and quietly use clear, measured communication in dealing with her. She expects to intimidate you and everyone else. In some cases she causes other family members to become a part of her narcissistic delusion. Remember that you are part of a family but ultimately a separate individual who deserves to be treated with respect and truthfulness. If the situation gets out of hand due to the narcissistic mother-in-law's extreme encroachments on your privacy, sense of freedom and inner peace, it may be necessary to sever your relationship with this person. You know the truth about yourself and are keenly aware of the destructiveness of the narcissistic personality. If you are married to the son of the narcissistic matriarch it is part of his role as your spouse to make sure that you are treated with respect. You are married to him not his mother. It takes a strong sense of self to deal with these psychologically disruptive individuals. Stick to you principles, remain calm and psychologically detached. Trust your intuition. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Protect Yourself from Narcissist's Malicious Projections

It is remarkable how often narcissists project their filthy venom on to others (Except those they are grooming to become part of their cult of personality and power). If you already know that an individual is a narcissist, protect yourself in advance. One of the first rules is not to be alone with them---that's when they go deeply cruel and dirty. They feel that they have you cornered and they pin you with a stealth attack. You feel it coming out of no where and say to yourself: "What the hell was that?" You think to yourself and wonder if you actually heard what this person was saying. Narcissists making these malevolent moves are over the top so steer clear of being with them, especially solo.  If you know you will be in their presence, prepare ahead of time. Remind yourself of their specific psychopathology. They may be you sibling, in-law, parent, etc.-------but above all they are a narcissistic personality disorder and their character profile in not going to change----ever. Do not blame yourself. These ugly projections are actually unconscious psychological material that they cannot contain themselves and are throwing your way. Learn how to practice detachment. This takes practice. One of the ways of becoming more detached is through some form of quieting the mind. This provides us with the capacity to have a calmer more balanced perspective and not to overreact to someone else's drama. Always remind yourself that you deserve respect and consideration as an individual. Give yourself a lot of credit for learning about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Heal from Narcissistic Spouse--Calm Your Nervous System

After you have separated from and divorced the narcissist you will go through a time of adjustment. For many there is an enormous sense of relief since the marriage has been treacherous and cruel for many years. Even if you have anticipated your divorce, there is an aftermath that many individuals experience. You have been under extreme duress for so many years you made not realize that your level of stress during the entire marriage has been very high.  Physiologically this means that the non-narcissistic spouse has been living with a high level of hyper-vigilance, apprehension and chronic anxiety. When we feel endangered our nervous system goes in the sympathetic survival mode what is called fight or flight syndrome. In a state of relaxation and repose the nervous system is in parasympathetic mode. This is the state the nervous system needs to be in to activate psychophysiological healing. Many of those who divorce narcissists are incapable of remembering if they have ever felt the relaxation and repose of the parasympathetic nervous system. This is a natural state---a condition that everyone deserves to experience.

Once you are free from sharing your life with the narcissist you can practice a variety of techniques to get in touch with the natural calming part of your nature. This can be achieved by practicing gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nostrils, participating in a  form of meditation in a way that works for you. Taking time to appreciate your own solitude is a source of activating healing. Some individuals find great comfort and calming in keeping a regular journal that they use to express their thoughts and feelings as a way of releasing this long held pain. As you work through the healing process, this calm state will become increasingly familiar to your body/mind and you will discover a deep peace inside. As the months and years pass and you continue these practices, the feeling of calmness will deepen. Your will lead the life that you were meant to lead. You deserve to be fully liberated. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself  from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don't Become a Filler for the Narcissist

Narcissists are restless individuals. They are always searching their environments, scouting out narcissistic supplies---attractive men or women who will come under their spell, business opportunities that will give them the highest yield even if that means running off with the money and cheating everyone else, opportunities for public adulation and adoring audiences. Grandiose narcissists love nothing more than being the center of attention on the largest stages---elegant parties, prestigious entertainment and sporting events, etc. Narcissists don't stand still for very long. If they find you attractive and vulnerable to their charm, they will quickly have you in the palm of their hands. They make you feel that you are at the very center of their lives. You are the most wonderful and unique person they have ever met. Some narcissists are quick to give gifts--often impressive ones if they are in high income brackets. they love to dazzle you with surprises--special private dinners, jewelry, a day at a magnificent spa--They know exactly how to pull your strings. These kinds of behaviors are prevalent in the beginning when the narcissist is baiting you. After you have been with him for a while, the narcissist is inclined to take you more for granted---You are no longer the novelty you once were. Now you are labelled for him as a "filler"--someone he can call at a moment's notice. You may think that the narcissist is finding you indispensable to his life. At this stage, the opposite is true. He has already moved on to another special woman---or three or four. These fellows are masterful jugglers.

You have become for him the woman he brings into his life when nothing more exciting is happening. You have slipped from number one to way back in the pack. From the beginning this reality was always going to be true. Narcissists don't value anyone but themselves. They are predatory--always searching for the next best thing that they will manipulate, pursue and control. If a narcissist whom you have known in the past comes back into your life, oozing with charm, telling you that you are unforgettable---nip it in the bud with no equivocations or hesitations. You are a "filler" for no one. You are a person who respects herself, expects to be treated with courtesy and consideration and who values her individuality, creative gifts, her time and energy. She  has relationships with people whom she respects and where there is reciprocation of understanding  and deep caring. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Destructive Cycling from One Narcissist to the Next

It is not unusual in this time of epidemic narcissism for men and women to find themselves jumping from one narcissistic individual to the next. Being narcissistic has been normalized in many social circles. Materialism and narcissism are easy companions. Greed, rampant and unabashed, grows exponentially these days. There is never enough "stuff". That's how psychologically empty and spiritually bankrupt many people are today.

Narcissists have always been a huge draw. Often very good looking, beautiful, athletic, bright, highly confident---they have turned heads all of their lives. They expect nothing less. And their magnetism shines in the largest room you can imagine. Everyone is tempted by the highly polished narcissist, especially when they have given you the high beam, that knowing look that says they have to have you and will give you everything you desire in exchange. You are transfixed, in trance mode---You believe that this gossamer flight is real---that you are so extraordinary that this man or woman has picked you. What a powerful dynamic---one that most people cannot resist. So you become involved quickly and "fall in love." You are treated with such deference beyond your wildest imagination. This man has anticipated exactly what you want, what turns you on.  The narcissistic promise is that if you go with him you will forever escape the harsh, cruel, painful realities of life. In its place the vision he/she offers is a paradise of delusion.So many choose this direction and for a while this can feel like the best thing that ever happened to you.

The true nature of the narcissist, Mr. Hyde emerges, shows his hideous face and the forceful menace of his presence. This is particularly evident in the narcissist's insistent control of every aspect of your life, including your most private thoughts and feelings. The narcissist's demands and criticisms become more forceful. You feel cornered. There is no way of compromising with this person. Eventually, the narcissist either discards you without a backward glance or you decide you cannot take it any more and leave. You start to move forward with your own life but the "good memories" linger. For many individuals it doesn't take long to find another special person---someone they believe is different--not grandiose and demanding. You are so vulnerable that you can easily fall into the narcissistic trap again. One of the cleverest guises of these personality disorders is that of the covert narcissist. He or she appears to be genuine and caring. There is no fanfare or special entrance or pretense. This is what you believe. The focus is on you. The covert narcissist's manner is smooth and subtle. It may take you some time to experience the manipulation and duplicitous nature of his brilliant act.  You make excuses for his lack of empathy, your discovery of his easy lies, the cauldron of rage that brims over on to you. Again, you are in a relationship with another narcissist. Beneath the pseudo humility and pretend empathy lies the core narcissistic personality constellation. Many victims repeat this pattern of partnering with narcissists innumerable times. Each time they lose a little more of themselves.

Those who awaken to the reality that this severe personality disorder is not going to change and that he/she is eclipsing their lives, find a way out of this destructive pattern. They research, study and understand what has happened to them. They recognize that they are entitled to make their own decisions, to be treated with respect as a separate person, to have full use of their creative gifts, to pursue their life goals using their many talents. You have broken this destructive cycle and are now moving forward with your life. You deserve the very best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a Narcissist-Plan Your Exit Strategy in Advance

In the emotional chaos of a marriage to a narcissist that has soured and become very ugly, it is difficult to think clearly about how to make an exit that will benefit you the most. First, pay close attention to the signals and red flags you have been getting all along that the person you married is a narcissist. He/she is self absorbed, selfish, given to rages, secretive, a chronic liar (who plays the part beautifully) manipulative, exploitive and completely lacks empathy. You have seen these behaviors throughout the years and they are escalating. If you have researched this personality disorder, you have all of the information you need to make your decision. You can stay with this person and talk yourself into believing that he is going to change at some time down the road or be convinced that you can alter him. This is never going to happen because this disorder is fixed. The false self of the narcissist develops very early and the defense mechanisms these individuals use are impervious to change. They believe that they are superior, perfect and over-entitled. They have no motivation to change.

If you decide to break up the relationship, do all of your homework in advance and detail. Interview several attorneys and choose one who has a lot of experience with divorce and has worked with clients who have this personality profile. Your attorney needs to be highly self confident, well trained, intuitive about human nature, have superior communication skills and an excellent legal temperament for times when the narcissist and his attorney come down very hard. This is the time of reckoning when your attorney is being tested and will either win with flying colors or fail to represent you properly. Get all of your financial records in order. Get your support group in place of friends you can completely trust--one is enough. Keep yourself in good physical condition. Do cardiovascular exercise like walking or going to the gym. Do not wear yourself out. Get quality sleep and make sure that you following an eating plans that provides your body with the nutrients it requires. Dial down the fight or flight syndrome with practices like gentle yoga poses, forms of meditation that work for you. Appreciate what you are doing. Don't share your exit plan with anyone unless you are sure you can trust them completely. I know you can do this. You are beginning a new cycle of your life that is richer, deeper, more meaningful, creative and peaceful. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Leaving Your Narcissistic Family-Appreciating Who You Are

All of your life you have been told what to do by overbearing narcissistic family members. You find yourself in your thirties, forties and beyond still trying to please mother, father, sister, brother---the family narcissists. You have tried everything to please them, to make them proud of you, to always try your very best. It was and is never enough----And It Never Will Be because you are dealing with individuals who have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. You will always be blamed for their mistakes, their cruelties, their misfortunes. You will be subjected to an endless stream of humiliations, accusations, verbal attacks and outright lies about your character. They will and have talked about you behind your back. One of the worst labels that narcissistic family members use is that you are "crazy." That gives everyone they speak with a jolt. "They are a wonderful family, except for that 'crazy daughter' of theirs. I feel so sorry for them. It is such an embarrassment." I have communicated with many daughters and sons enmeshed in narcissistic families who have described this experience exactly as I am writing it. In effect the narcissistic family is projecting their psychopathology on to a scapegoated child. This is often a child who is highly sensitive, intelligent and emotionally vulnerable. He or she has had to wear this dreadful label. Some children grow up and believe that they must be crazy since that is how they have been treated. The pain they endure is intolerable.

Fortunately, in many instances the scapegoated child, now grown, accesses the truth about herself/himself and recognizes that it is the family that is highly disturbed not her/him. Some of these children spend a great deal of time trying to understand what happened to them, do research about the psychopathology in narcissistic families and get professional help. Within the security and healing environment of good psychotherapy they get in touch with their true selves. They recognize and appreciate who they are and have been all of their lives--an individual of value and uniqueness with many creative gifts and a new cycle of life that is awaiting them. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Healing and Growing after Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most challenging and daunting experiences. In many cases the narcissist takes the bit in his/her mouth and goes for all of the marbles. He/she insists on financial resources and property that are owned in common. The narcissistic spouse suddenly decides that he wants access to his children most of the time. He throws out lies constantly, makes every effort to destroy the personal and professional reputations of his former spouse. With the assistance of an attorney who specializes in family law and who understands the ruthless, controlling behaviors of the narcissistic personality you will be guided through this often arduous process.

For so long, often decades, your life---every aspect of it has been eclipsed by the selfish, duplicitous,  controlling, enraged of a severe personality disorder. When you are free from this constricted way of life, you will begin to recognize that you can make your own decisions, expand and deepen all of your creative gifts, find ways of encouraging your inner peace through a variety of modalities---forms of calming the mind and body--meditation, gentle hatha yoga, joining support groups that focus on healing after divorce.

The mind and body are designed to heal. When we provide ourselves with the right internal and external environments and individuals who are supportive of the process we are going through, we will grow, taking back our identities as unique individuals. Your confidence will return. Your creativity will be re-launched. Your life goals will become a source of hope and great anticipation. You have begun a new cycle of life---a hopeful and encouraging. You have prevailed. Celebrate this new beginning. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Narcissistic Mothers--Career First-Children Last

There are many women who juggle their time, sleep, energy and personal lives every day to take care of their children. They love them very much and work so hard. Many of these women do it all alone and do it well. They don't have a private life; they don't have fun very often. Their focus is providing a home, food, clothing and schooling  for their children. Many of these women have been abandoned by husbands or partners who are totally irresponsible and don't care about their children. They are off to the next big excitement--another woman they will victimize. .

There are gifted highly ambitious, with tremendous drive and  motivation to reach the top to the pinnacle of their careers. This is commendable. Women have worked very hard throughout the centuries to get their just share of professional success and compensation.

I am specifically speaking about  the route the narcissistic mother takes. Having a child or two  is part of enhancing her image and being able to tell herself and every one else: "I do it all." I have a very successful career, I am climbing to the top; I have two wonderful kids."  She waxes dramatically, showing the photographs of her darling children to everyone.  If you ask some of these narcissistic women what happens when they come home at ten o'clock in the evening, their children are already asleep. She goes into their rooms, kisses them quietly and shuts their doors to work some more. In the morning these narcissistic mothers are rushing their children out the door to daycare. Everything is hurried---a quick kiss, a fast drive to the babysitter and this woman is off to her life goal---reaching the highest rung in her professional life.

Why do these narcissistic women have children. A child is one of the greatest narcissistic supplies of all when you are molding a perfect image and facade. On the outside, everyone thinks these women are heroines. Behind closed doors, the children suffer from intolerable maternal deprivation and know that they are not loved and were never wanted. They are pawns, chess pieces to be manipulated. To take an innocent, helpless baby and to abandon him/her to daycare or a babysitter when this child is weeks old is a travesty. Narcissistic women are mothers in name only. There are narcissistic mothers who do not have specific careers and still do not raise their children. In an unguarded moment these women will tell you that they were bored sick, staying home with an infant. They needed to get back into the excitement and dynamism of their careers. It didn't matter if their children were very young. Some narcissistic mothers are careless about checking out quality child care as long as they can get back to their priority----themselves. Narcissistic mothers are selfish, highly controlling and cold. Their self absorption knows no end. On weekends when they could be with their children, they have too much work demanding their attention and hire extra babysitters so that they can shop and enjoy themselves without the encumbrance of small children. 

No one wants to talk about the damage that narcissistic mothers do to their children. Some of them bitch about the small amounts of time they interact with their kids and find it very irritating. What is the husband doing. Quite often he is narcissistic as well and obsessed with his career. People can do whatever they wish in becoming powerful in the world, experts in their fields, fighting all of the corporate battles to the top.But something profound happens when you have a child. This current society has given narcissistic mothers a complete pass.  It has become perfectly acceptable to have children and not raise them or form a close attachment to babies who didn't ask to be brought into the world. 

I hope that with the exposure of the true nature of the narcissist that many individuals will finally recognize the incalculable harm perpetrated by narcissistic mothers. I ask the question that remains hanging in the air: Why are you having children if you are not going to take care of them ? I don't hear any answers. I don't hear: "I made a mistake."  I should not have had children."  or I know they missed a lot in my absence. They've been cheated. I am very sorry." 

Narcissistic mothers are not the least bit concerned about the psychological damage they are doing every day. Twenty years from now, they will want this child fixed!!! A child is not a machine with parts that can be replaced. Some psychological damage is so profound that adult children of narcissistic mothers suffer for much  of their lives. I hear from them and they have paid a dear price for their narcissistic mother's ruthless abandonment of her child and the idea that she would choose to have children for the single purpose of building and enhancing her priceless golden image. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Without Conscience or Empathy-Full Speed Ahead

Living without a conscience or empathy is so much easier, faster and more lucrative than having the encumbrances of a fine character.  Narcissists go at full speed. It doesn't matter how many people they hurt along the way---This includes their (often many) spouses and children.Narcissists don't stare at the ceiling late at night thinking about their mistakes. They don't regret that they have ruined their children psychologically, left ex-spouses in financial and emotional ruin. Narcissists are not like Lot's wife who looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. They move forward at the highest speeds, going through every red light without getting caught.

Is there any justice---Can anyone see how dreadful and malicious these people are, the intractable harm that they perpetrate on others--spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, parents, partners, business associates. Most people are too dazzled by the image that the narcissist presents--the perfect act that they have been honing their entire lives that seamlessly works for them. At this time when being a narcissist pays huge dividends in the external world, it is not surprising that many are entranced and become followers of narcissists (especially those at the top of their game). They yearn to become part of the Inner Circle. They are willing slaves to the narcissist's allure.

Let the adorers of narcissists go in their own direction. Let go of the narcissists in your life who have "succeeded" by stealth, cruelty, threats and dirty dealing. You have a conscience and deep empathy---You are a solid, real human being.  You continue to grow psychologically and creatively. The road ahead is wide open--Take the reins; enjoy every moment of the ride. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life 
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

After Divorcing a Narcissist--Rebuild Yourself and Your Life

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most harrowing and painful life experiences. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't go ahead with this process. You have to in order to preserve your life and that of your children. I am in communication with individuals who are going through this ordeal. They are ready for the battle. In some cases, the narcissist want to make you disappear so he/she pays you off--you are a discard, not even a faint memory in a life you have shared with this person for more than a decade. Count yourself fortunate if this break is made cleanly. The biggest reward is that this person is out of your life. Quite often the opposite happens. The narcissistic moves into Crusade mode and will fight you on every battlement. He is determined to wear you down to nothing, to destroy your spirit and sense of hope, besides taking all of the financial resources--especially those to which you are entitled. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of choosing the sharpest, savviest attorney you can find--some one with high ethical standards and a mastery of family law but in addition, a person who has a clear understanding of how the narcissistic personality operates---the darkness in their character, their sense of vanquishing their victims (and that includes you) completely. Narcissists with the bit in their mouths over a divorce will not quit. They  lie, cheat, fabricate, terrorize, cajole, threaten, use emotional blackmail--do everything possible to make sure that you lose and are thrown to the wolves. That is their intention--This doesn't mean that they will succeed.
Most people are  naive about human nature. They cannot believe that narcissists intend to destroy others--not with physical violence (although some of them are known to beat their spouses and not get caught) but with the master plan they put into place to bring you down. The attorney you choose must have an insider's understanding of the true nature of the narcissist--his treachery, non stop attacks, his conniving, his damnable lies and fabrications that are designed to destroy the other spouse's reputation--personal and in some cases, professional.

Despite the time you  have spent going through the ordeal of living with a narcissist, you will find that after severing the relationship, you have talents, creative gifts, dreams and the drive to continue to evolve as an individual. Start thinking of your personal needs, your professional and creative aspirations, what you enjoy for recreation, the kind of people with whom you will surround yourself, becoming stronger and healthier physically, learning how to calm your nervous system through gentle yoga, meditation (in a form that works for you) creating a circle of support among those who are deeply about you and are loyal and empathic. Your life is opening up for the first time in years. Take time to appreciate being with yourself. Write down your thoughts and feelings, spontaneously. You will discover facets of yourself that you didn't realize were there. The growth process moves forward throughout our lives. Take hold of it and remain open to all of its opportunities in your life. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Despise Those Who are Not Successful Like Them

Have you talked with a narcissist lately and heard the blather that comes out of their mouths? They are obsessed with the externals of life--how much money they have made and are making--their perfect homes which they continue to re-do constantly-their perfect children who are brilliant and are headed for M.D's.--medical specialties only, big pharma, high level positions in hi-tech, Wall Street firms, hedge fund management, etc. (There are individuals of excellent character who go into professions that pay them very well. They provide services to others as a result of their schooling and training.)

Narcissistic parents reinforce materialism, competitiveness at any cost, the cult of image over substance, a lack of morality that says:"I've got mine; the hell with you." and looks down on those who have not succeeded in the world. If your life has taken hard turns and landed you in a number of ditches--financial, medical, psychological---forget asking for help from a narcissist, especially a member of your own family. They will cut you to the quick---telling you that it is your fault that you got yourself into this mess. They play the superiority card.  Nothing in their lives has gone wrong financially---They have not experienced those horrendous dips or engulfing pot holes that swallow you up--the medical bills that pile up, the bad credit scores that come afterward, the illness that threatens your lives. They are above it all.

You have worked hard all of your life. You have been dealt a very tough hand to play. You are an ethical and moral person who will not cheat or take from others. Today people are not measured by the content of their characters-- their empathy, the suffering they have endured, their kindness to other people. This current Narcissistic Society evaluates you by what you own and how much money you have----that is the sum total of your worth as an individual from a narcissistic point of view. This would all be pathetic if it wasn't so harmful to those who are suffering so intensely.

There is something called luck or fate. It cab determine much of what is going to happen to us. Luck is real. Lucrative business connections are real. Being ruthless is real. Narcissists are completely ruthless and treacherous--especially with business associates whom they vanquish and with members of their own family. Narcissists focus on money, power, and their personal image every waking moment. (They are restless and don't think deeply or are capable of  seeing themselves from the inside) If there is money involved and you have a narcissistic mother, father or sibling (or all of the above) --watch out! The money threat will be held over your head for the rest of your life if you don't make the decision that it doesn't matter and you recognize that your destiny is not about money alone. Obviously, we all have to find a way to live each day. By the way it is a very rare person who understands the pain involved in not having enough money for rent, food and clothing. I have discovered that there are very few people with huge financial resources who have the capacity to understand what it feels like every day worrying about where your next dollar is coming from. It is equally rare for those who have not experienced tragedy in their lives to deeply understand it and have compassion and mercy for those who have endured it. 

For many it becomes impossible with acquaintances, friends and family members (including spouses) to listen to the criticisms, humiliations, impertinent questions of those who simply refuse to understand and turn a cruel, blind eye to the one who is suffering the most. These are not relationships; they are opportunities for the narcissist to feel superior and victorious. The narcissist is in massive denial about himself and his entire life. These misperceptions will never change. The die has been cast; the hard shell of the narcissistic personality cannot be cracked to let the light of compassion in. They are fixed and immutable.

Narcissists do not belong in your world. They rattle and disturb everyone around them. If you work with a narcissist, you will find ways to cope with them through detachment from their sickness and maintaining your secure psychological boundaries.

It is your personal decision to keep them out of your personal life. Your life is precious. It is headed in the direction of pursuing truth not narcissistic delusion. Your life is creative---use all of your gifts. You are a loving person--share your heart. I know many individuals who have simplified their lives and have found  comfort, creative productivity and calm in making this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life  Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com